Hart Surgery: It’s About Sports

By: Micah Hart

This is a sports column. In this space each week, I talk about something from the sports world. There is much to talk about this week, but first I have to get this off my chest - has anyone been watching the new Jimmy Kimmel Live show? (Obviously since this is a column and you cannot answer the question, I am going to assume you have.) I love Jimmy Kimmel. I enjoy the Man Show, I thought he was a great roastmaster for the Friar’s Roast of Hugh Hefner, and I like his segments on Fox’s NFL coverage. But his new late-night show befuddles and confounds me. That’s neither here nor there, and this is a sports column, so let’s talk about sports, not Kimmel.Take LeBron James for example. Why is this whole mess so surprising to everyone? Eighteen-years-old, and talked about on national television almost every other day. Not to say he wasn’t wrong to have taken those shirts, but come on! This is America, founded on but a few principles - life, liberty, and the pursuit of free crap. How many of us have eaten twenty-three boxes of Special K, just to get that box of pencils with our damn names on them. All of us! We simply cannot say no to free stuff. It’s ridiculous James is getting pounded. We set him up, and we should have been prepared for this to happen.

Speaking of preparation, the Jimmy Kimmel show! I don’t get it! It’s not like ABC didn’t know the show was going on the air months in advance. How could they not have at least one week’s worth of guests! The third show ever had Tammy Faye! TAMMY FAYE! Even Star Dates said no to her! It’s the first week! ABC couldn’t find any celebrities? Correct me if I’m wrong, but celebrities don’t exactly shy away from the limelight. No one needs to plug a movie? It’s the football equivalent of an expansion team drafting a quarterback #1, but then forgetting to sign or draft any o-linemen. Kimmel is destined to break the late night record for times sacked.

Whoa…sorry. This is a sports column. This is not about entertainment. Back to sports. Today is Signing Day, the first day football recruits can officially commit to a school. It’s fun to talk about, but some perspective is needed. Recruiting success does not equal success on the field. As a Texas fan, I am acutely aware of that. People need to keep in mind these are just kids. Some have put up stats against lesser opponents, and bigger talents have obscured others. There is little way of knowing how a player will do until he actually gets on the field. And, even if supremely talented, there are still many obstacles to success. Like keeping yourself from stealing checks from an “auto accessories” store for example (Adrian McPherson). I don’t really think that’s his fault either. He was just doing what each of us thought of doing at some point - stealing a check from an auto accessories store. Admit it! Every time you’ve been in an auto accessories store you thought “man, it would be soooooo easy!” Who are we to cast the first stone on that one?

Speaking of sinners, the Yankees payroll is apparently $164 million - a lot of money. In fact, $45 million more than the second highest team, the Mets. Forty-five million dollars is a lot of money. You know what isn’t? (At least, couched in those terms.) Nine million dollars. Nine million dollars is not a lot of money, but it is all the Yankees will have to pay in luxury taxes under the new collective bargaining agreement. Nine million? What does that get you, Hee Seop Choi? Exactly how does that make baseball more competitive? Any team willing to spend $164 million is certainly willing to spend $173 million. To George Steinbrenner, $9 million is merely a slightly annoying pain in his ass…

And speaking of pains in the ass(es)! How is Kimmel going to attract viewers when Kathy Griffin (of Celebrity Mole ummm, fame) is his co-host! Kathy Griffin! On the funny scale, she rates somewhere between child abduction and terminal cancer. Her voice is like a cross between hearing your alarm clock the morning after a long night of drinking and someone poking their finger in your chest repeatedly. I’m not saying she isn’t funny, but I laughed harder during the Russian roulette scene in Deer Hunter. How is the show going to attract people with her? Can they please bring back Snoop Dogg, who was the only thing even remotely funny about the first week? Please? What has he got going on that would make him-

WAIT! This column is…about…sports. The Lakers are starting to heat up, winning four in a row including at Sacto and Indiana. Everyone is going to start getting back on their bandwagon, and for good reason. They still have the two best players in the world. But I will tell you this (and most likely discuss at length in a future column) - the Lakers will not cut down the nets this year. It has nothing to do with them slipping in my opinion. The Kings, if healthy, are just that good. They are a breath of fresh air; especially considering watching the other teams in the NBA play makes me want to vomit.
And speaking of wanting to vomit - The Jimmy Kimmel Talk Show! How is it so bad? Did anyone see the Armenian Comedian the other night? He’s a guy with a ventriloquist dummy, except the dummy’s mouth doesn’t move and you can’t understand a word! What kind of *@%#%^ is that? The people writing for the show include the former head writer for David Letterman, the creator of Mystery Science Theater 3000, and the Sports Guy, who is sort of the Messiah of Internet sportswriters! And none of them can come up with something funny? The best they can do is “Hey, let’s take a bunch of food and do something crazy with it…like fry it. It’ll be hilarious!” WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE I’M ABOUT TO GO INSA-

You know, this could go on forever. Sufficed to say, I am having a hard time concentrating on sports right now. The Jimmy Kimmel show confuses me in ways I didn’t even know existed. It is so complex, so mysterious in its sucking, it defies explanation. If anyone has any ideas, please e-mail me. I have to know! Pull back the curtain! I want to see the wizard!

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Micah Hart is an original contributor to the CSR, and works in sports media in Atlanta. Micah can be reached at micahbhart@yahoo.com. He reminds you to Hook 'em Horns.

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