Hart Surgery: The Lonely Hart Club

By: Micah Hart

Friday is Valentine’s Day. In honor of its passing, I thought this week’s column should be Valentine’s-themed. Like most years, I will be spending this Valentine’s alone. It doesn’t bother me much - yet. But more and more, I am starting to realize one very difficult fact: I will never, ever find a woman.I am now 24 years old. This year, SEVEN friends and relatives are getting married, all around my age. I am not old enough for this. But since this is the reality of my life, I imagine it will lead to many people asking me the question no one wants to hear - “When are you getting married?”

Not this year, I can tell you that. I may not know much about marriage, but I’m fairly certain you need a second person to make it happen. I have begun to wonder what the future has in store for me, and I found the truth. I am screwed.
You may ask yourself what leads me to that statement. Micah, you are thinking, you are such a handsome and charming fellow - girls must fall all over themselves for you. I’m surprised networks have yet to contact you about some sort of dating show like The Bachelor. Well, I can’t argue with that logic - still, I may have a better chance dunking on a 14-foot goal than getting married.

Why? Because I’m a sports fan. As I watch tonight’s Kentucky-Georgia game on ESPN, I realize just how much time I spend watching sports. Basketball, football, pro, college, men’s, women’s (sometimes)- I pretty much watch all sports all the time. And if it’s not an actual game, then I watch Sportscenter so I’ll know how all the games I didn’t see ended up.
During football season, I watch football every Saturday and Sunday. This takes up roughly September through January. Then, college basketball takes up (just being honest here) weekends as well as Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights right through the beginning of April, which (surprise!) is when baseball season begins, and this brings us back to the start of football. Mixed in with all that are the other events I try not to miss, including (but certainly not limited to) majors in golf and tennis, the Stanley Cup and NBA playoffs, the Little League and College World Series, USA soccer, big title fights, Triple Crown races, and just a tiny bit of Slamball now and again (admit it, you find it strangely riveting).

What girl will put up with that? I should become a priest. Now you are thinking: “Micah, don’t get so down. Let the past be your guide! You have had girlfriends before, so obviously some girls have been able to stand you!” As Coach Corso would say, “Not so fast my friend.” I have had three (relatively) long-term girlfriends in my adolescent and adult lifetime. Two happened while I studied abroad, and therefore was unable to watch sports in my accustomed manner. The third I dated at summer camp (no TVs), and then continued to date long distance while at school at Texas and she at UNC. So technically, no track record exists of any girl ever putting up with me for even a playoff series, let alone an entire regular season.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this, trying to come up with some way to compromise. I floated some ideas to female friends, to limited success. I thought: what if I do whatever my wife wants during the week during football season, and in exchange I get to watch football from roughly noon till 6 Saturday and Sunday. No good? How about this: I’ll do all the cooking and cleaning. This may sound like a winner, but keep in mind I am capable of preparing only about five things that don’t involve cereal or eggs.

I do have one last proposition, and it’s one I think might work. It is a lot to sacrifice, but if it means getting to watch my fill of the NFL draft, then I’ll give it a shot. In exchange for sports privileges, I will willingly and without snide comment (at least until afterwards) see each and every trashy, sappy, how-many-different-ways-can-we-recycle-the-same-pathetic-storyline chick flick. That’s right. I will sit through every Sandra Bullock/Jennifer Lopez/Meg Ryan meets Matthew McConaughey/Chris O’Donnell/Hugh Grant movie, but only if it means I get to watch the NFL Quarterback Skills Shootout (Pop quiz: name a single movie Hugh Grant has been in that isn’t a chick flick. I dare you).

The more I think about it, the more I like this chick flick idea. Really, there are just as many of them as games I will want to watch. So ladies, if you are out there this Valentine’s Day, and are feeling a little down, maybe looking for some company…don’t call me. I’ll be watching the Lakers-Spurs game. But maybe next week sometime?

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Micah Hart is an original contributor to the CSR, and works in sports media in Atlanta. Micah can be reached at micahbhart@yahoo.com. He reminds you to Hook 'em Horns.

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