Hart Surgery: Mail Call

By: Micah Hart

Many people who write columns on the Internet take time every so often to answer questions posed by their readers. I think this is a great idea. Not only do readers give them fodder for future columns, but they also provide feedback about columns already written. Today I will do the same-dip into the ole’ mailbag and respond to some readers. Only one tiny catch-I don’t actually have any readers who e-mail me questions. So until that changes, I’m just going to have to go with what I got.Reader Susan Hart, from Jackson, MS, writes in: Micah, did you get the check from your grandparents? Your sister says she didn’t get hers, and they want to know if they need to send another.
That’s a good question Susan. Speaking of money, it has sucked the life out of making trades in the NBA. I used to look forward to the trade deadline every year. Which teams were going to mortgage their future for a title run? Who would decide they stink and blow up the team by trading everyone? Well, the deadline came and went, and what a rip! Gary Payton for Ray Allen was the only real trade plus a few minor ones (although I hear Chris Gatling and Billy Owens got together and took turns putting on different uniforms for old times’ sake). Bleccch! The most recent collective bargaining agreement has made it so difficult to trade players, it borders on the absurd. There are a bunch of factors, most of which are too difficult to even try to explain (base-year salaries, mid-level exceptions, etc.) but mostly it is from the dreaded luxury tax. What is the deal with that? I thought I understood a salary cap. In theory, it places a spending limit on team salaries. In reality, apparently it is paid about the same attention as “No Right on Red” signs. Teams spend way over their cap, and when this happens, they owe a dollar-for-dollar tax. No teams want to pay this, and everyone seems to be over the limit, which means no trades. And no trades means no fun.

Reader Jenny Dean from Syracuse, NY, writes in: The grad school’s ski trip has been cancelled due to lack of interest. For those who paid, come by the Graduate Records office to get your refund.
Thanks for the tip Jenny. You know who else should get a refund? The people who paid for the Tyson-Etienne fight last Saturday night. I know I talked about this last week, but it gets sadder and sadder. Of course Tyson beat Etienne in 49 seconds. Tyson never fights anyone other than Lennox Lewis or Evander Holyfield that he can’t beat in 49 seconds. Etienne’s mouthpiece was out so fast, you’d have thought he had a taxicab waiting for him outside with the meter running (he might have). So we are left again to ponder the awesome ferocity (heavy, heavy sarcasm) of Tyson’s fists, and proclaim he deserves another title shot. I am sure he will get it too, and then once again Lewis can make Tyson his bitch. Lewis has beaten Tyson so badly, Tyson should have to begin and end every sentence addressed to Lewis with “Sir”, like a marine would his drill sergeant. Sad.
Reader Auto Event from Miami, FL, writes in: Get your guaranteed Auto Loan APPROVED with our fast and FREE 1 step online Application! Just for applying, you are entered to win a NEW 2003 HUMMER H2!
Quick aside-the people who came up with the idea to name the car a Hummer. Do you think they walk around mortified all day at the jokes people make about it? Or do they privately snicker each time someone says “LeBron James’ mom gave him a $50,000 Hummer!” Just curious.
Reader Brent Stoller from Houston, TX, writes in: As long as you find a way to put down Chris Simms in every column, I will be happy.
Far be it from me to disappoint the fans. Brent, the NFL scouting combine just ended in Indianapolis, and word on the street is Simms made quite an impression. So much so, he is now being considered a potential 1st round pick. I for one cannot wait to see this happen. I know I am jinxing myself when I say this since the Saints will probably draft him just to spite me, but the idea that Simms is worthy of a top pick is laughable. Of course he looked good at the combine! Simms is like a preview of a Martin Lawrence movie-you see the preview, it looks funny, you want it to be funny, you pay to go see it…and it sucks. No plot, same recycled jokes, same disappointed feeling walking out. Simms may be the best practice quarterback ever, but put him in a situation where he has to make snap decisions against superior competition, and watch him self-destruct. Some NFL team will learn this the hard way. Don’t say I didn’t warn them (they all read my column, after all).
Reader Beth Barnes of Syracuse, NY, writes in: I need your T.A. time sheets. Please turn them in to either my mailbox in the Dean’s Office area of Newhouse or to the Grad Records Office ASAP. Let me know if there’s a problem.
Oh there’s a problem Beth. But not with me. It’s with Kobe Bryant. I know everyone is all riled up by his current scoring explosion. It’s all the rage to tout him as the league’s MVP. But I will tell you this: Kobe’s scoring binge is perhaps the worst thing for the Lakers at this point. They are finally starting to click as a team, getting themselves into the playoff hunt. Undoubtedly, Kobe has a lot to do with it. But the more he becomes engrossed in his streak, the worse it gets for the Lake show. Take Sunday’s victory over the Sonics-Kobe goes one for his last eleven shots in search of 40, and in the process the Lakers nearly blow a large fourth quarter lead. The Zen Master cannot be happy with that, and neither can his teammates. For the Lakers to win, they need Kobe’s amazing scoring abilities, but they need him to still be a part of the team. And the more he scores, the further out on his own he is going. Keep this in mind come playoff time folks.
Reader CasinoBum from The Cayman Islands writes in: Become a REAL PLAYER at Casino Grand Bay NOW, and we will give you $150 FREE!!!
Thanks CasinoBum, but I’m going to have to pass. I am saving my money for my World Match Play tourney pool. This baby is wide-open! Parity is the rule, and anyone can be beaten. You have to like 1 seeds like Tiger and Ernie, but don’t forget the Cinderellas from the small conferences like Alex Cejka of the Czech Republic. It’s going to be a wild five days in La Costa! Can we all work on making this event a huge gambling spectacular, on par (no pun intended, I swear) with the NCAA tourney and the Super Bowl? It’s a total crapshoot! If you think it’s hard trying to decide how far Kent State will make it in March, imagine the possibilities in a tournament where the top three seeds were all first round losers last year! There are too many people with gambling problems out there for this not to become every bit the colossal waste of time it could be. Let’s get on the ball.
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Intriguing email Offer226120. I have been meaning to get to a sexologist. I may be in touch…

Micah Hart is an original contributor to the CSR, and works in sports media in Atlanta. Micah can be reached at micahbhart@yahoo.com. He reminds you to Hook 'em Horns.

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