Hart Surgery: Start the Carousel

By: Micah Hart

Now that the season is over for all but two teams (it’s just a matter of time, Dallas) in the NBA, the coaching carousel is about to get underway full-time. Already, many highly paid analysts for various newspapers, websites, and magazines have begun to weigh in on who will be coaching next season and where. Presumably these prognosticators have connections within the teams who are leading them to make their predictions. I, of course, have none of these. The closest thing I have to a connection is my friend Jeff Asher, whose father has something to do with the New Orleans sports scene, and who tipped me off that the Hornets were moving there before anyone else knew about it. All of which is to say I don’t have much to go on. But hey, that didn’t stop Jayson Blair! (Ba-zing!) Here, as I see it, is how the NBA coaching ranks will look once the dust settles.

Atlanta Hawks

This one is easy- they don’t need a coach. This is the black hole of the NBA. If the Hawks didn’t have a coach, would they play any worse? I’d have a hard time believing it. And sadly, this is my favorite team!
Who they will hire- Tough call, because who would want to come to this sinkhole of a team? My guess is they will buy on the cheap and hire an assistant coach. Since Eddie Jordan is about the only assistant coach I am aware of, and he has some head coaching experience from Sacramento back in 1997-98, I assume the Hawks will take him.
It would be funny if they hired… Snoop Dogg. The Hawks can’t seem to put any butts in the seats, so why not hire a celebrity coach? No one takes this team seriously anyway. Plus, how great would his press conferences be, considering he has managed to invent a language for himself? Fo shizzle izzle nizzle.

Cleveland Cavaliers

The LeBrons are going to need a coach who can work well with difficult players. Any team with Ricky Davis is going to be in for some headaches. He may be the most hated player in the NBA. This is a pretty easy call, if you ask me.
Who they will hire- Paul Silas. The Hornets players are still upset that he got canned in New Orleans, and to be honest, it still doesn’t make much sense to me. There is no doubt Silas can coach, and his reputation for dealing with players is about the best there is. With all of the hoopla that will surround the arrival of King James, Cleveland will need someone who will be able to control the locker room.
It would be funny if they hired… Michael Jordan. Jordan spent his career terrorizing the Cavs, so why not continue it here? Jordan is another in a long line of great players who make lousy execs. I have a theory that the only reason Jordan un-retired to play for the Wizards is because he realized he had no idea what he was doing as team president. Plus, talk about the pressure on LeBron to have to sit on the bench with the man he’s supposed to replace.

Houston Rockets

The Rockets have an opening that will attract a lot of big names. The talent is in place for this team to become awfully good in a hurry, although playing in the West will always present them with an uphill battle.
Who they will hire- Jeff Van Gundy. According to my friend Goetz, the team needs a coach who the players will listen to and who won’t run 48 minutes of isolation plays. Van Gundy proved he was a winner in New York, and getting away from the pressure cooker of the Big Apple should do wonders. He should have this team in the playoffs without too much trouble, especially with Utah set to take a dive.
It would be funny if they hired… Larry Eustachy and Mike Price. Rumor has it Rudy T had quite the affection for libations during his tenure, and Houston is known for its many reputable strip joints. These guys could have a very, very good time in H-town, and Yao Ming soaks up all the publicity anyway.

L.A. Clippers

Who knows what the hell this team should do. They have, arguably, one of the five most talented teams (at least right now, before everyone leaves through free agency) in the NBA. A coach could come in here, right the ship, and literally compete for a title next year. Or, with all the defections imminent, this could be a team destined to languish in lottery land for the next, oh, millennium. Does anyone else think sports would be better if owners could be fired?
Who they will hire- Dennis Johnson. We all know how tight Donald Sterling is with the purse strings, so taking LA’s interim coach is a likely route for him. DJ is familiar with the players, so he will be able to give a more heartfelt goodbye when they all leave. Seriously, Johnson is ready to take on his first full-time head-coaching gig.
It would be funny if they hired… Roy Tarpley. The Clippers are far and away one of the biggest wastes of talent in NBA history. Tarpley knows all about that, being one as well. His assistant coaches will be Benoit Benjamin and Isaiah Rider. Lawrence Phillips can be the clubhouse attendant.

New Orleans Hornets

This is a strange year for firings, as at least half of the openings are teams with realistic playoff hopes. Silas was the most puzzling - the players love him, and the team is good. They were a couple injuries away from the finals the last two seasons. Silas did not deserve this. You should have seen his press conference. He was smiling the whole time, as if to say, “I don’t believe it either. But I bet it will be real hard for me to get a job.” The damage is done now, and the Hornets will need someone who can come in and soothe the bruised egos of the pro-Silas players.
Who they will hire- Tim Floyd. New Orleans loves to bring its own back home, and Floyd was once the coach at the University of New Orleans. Floyd had a horrible tenure in Chicago, but deserves very little blame for it, not with Jerry “Jelly Donut” Krause calling the shots. Floyd is a nice fit for the Big Easy.
It would be funny if they hired… Paul Silas. Wouldn’t it be great if they just came out and said, “Sorry! Honestly, we don’t know what we were thinking. We had a bad plate of gumbo ya-ya, our wife was yelling at us, it was a bad idea. We admit it now, and hopefully Coach Silas will find a way to forgive us.”

Philadelphia 76ers

This is a tough situation to come into, maybe the toughest of all the positions available. Larry Brown is the best in the business, and even he had an incredibly tough time controlling AI. Whoever they bring in had better be able to stand up to Iverson, or this team will be in for a rough ride.
Who they will hire- Maurice Cheeks. Cheeks is a Philly legend, and dealing with Iverson and his band of merrymen will seem like a picnic after spending a couple years in the halfway house that is the Portland Trailblazer locker room. Not only is Cheeks known as being great with player relations, but his background as a small, gritty player will give him instant credibility with the Answer.
It would be funny if they hired… Jim Mora. This would only be funny because it would cause ESPN to spontaneously combust. Sportscenter anchors would begin bleeding from the eyes and ears with thoughts of starting every single 76er highlight with a clip of Iverson saying “Practice?” and Mora saying “Playoffs?” (except for Stuart Scott of course, who would just say BOO-yah)

Toronto Raptors

The Raptors hit bottom this year, but they still have enough talent in place to regain a high seed in the East if they can just stay healthy. If they can grab a legitimate starter in the upcoming draft (perhaps T.J. Ford to run the point, moving Alvin Williams over to the 2 and Vince Carter to the 3), they can be right back in this thing. Though a coach may be scared off by SARS, this is not as bad a gig as it appears.
Who they will hire- Mike Dunleavy. Just like the other major sports, every offseason at least one team is required to hire a retread coach who doesn’t really deserve another shot, but gets one anyway. I would give specific examples in other sports, but we are pressed for time here, and my God there are so many! Toronto may not seem like the right choice (seeing as they just fired Lenny Wilkens, retread extraordinaire), but I say they haven’t learned their lesson.
It would be funny if they hired… Furious Styles. Styles, the no-nonsense father played by Laurence Fishburne in Boyz N’ The Hood, is just the sort of tough-love dispensing disciplinarian Vince Carter needs to pull himself out of the funk he’s been playing in the last couple years. Styles, aside from having another name Sportscenter anchors would wet themselves over (The coach is Furious over that play! Get it? I said Furious! It’s both a name and a descriptive noun! Look how clever I am! LOVE ME!), is the best father figure in movie history in my book. He may be the only one who can bring Vinsanity back to life.

Washington Wizards

This job isn’t open yet, but should become so any day now. Anyone who thinks Doug Collins is coming back, especially now that Michael Jordan is gone, should have his or her head examined. Aside from Atlanta, this may be the least attractive job out there. At least the Clippers have talent.
Who they will hire- John Lucas. Ok, this guy has not had a lot of success coaching in the league, but he is known for his ability to get along with the players. Washington has no chance to win for a number of years, so at least they can get a coach to smooth over the locker room for a couple years until they are ready to compete again.
It would be funny if they hired… Bill Clinton. The former president is a huge basketball fan, has plenty of time on his hands, and could be spending a lot of time in DC in the near future if his wife runs for the Presidency. I saw this guy speak in person a couple weeks ago, and I’m telling you, if nothing else, his halftime speeches would be legendary. The guy can talk with the best of them. Plus, he can probably commiserate with the players on the troubles with groupies.

If Maurice Cheeks takes the Philly job, then obviously a job will open up in Portland. I don’t know what else needs to happen for Isiah Thomas to get fired in Indiana, but that needs to happen soon as well. But we will cross those bridges when we come to them. For now, I’m going to start thinking of catch phrases to say if the Wizards win a title and Coach Clinton gets to light a victory cigar.

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Micah Hart is an original contributor to the CSR, and works in sports media in Atlanta. Micah can be reached at micahbhart@yahoo.com. He reminds you to Hook 'em Horns.

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