Hart Surgery: Three things that make me happy about…Basketball

By: Micah Hart

Three things that make me happy about the new NBA season…

1. The Wild Wild West-

For the first time in recent memory, I am interested in the product the NBA
is putting on the floor. I feel like Seinfeld in the episode where he discovered
his emotions - all of a sudden, “I care!” To be fair, I don’t really care - not
about most teams. If I don’t see an Eastern Conference team play the whole
season, I won’t be upset. The same thing goes for most of the West too, except
for the big dogs.

If there is one thing the NBA has over the other major sports, it’s the ability
to stockpile the best players on one team. If you look at the top five teams in
the West, it’s ridiculous. There are three legitimate All-Star candidates on
each team, if not more (you could argue San Antonio, but I’m telling you, this
is Hedo Turkoglu’s coming out party. And speaking of coming out parties, how is
it that we use that expression in sports without someone thinking that
particular athlete is gay. Maybe if we said something about Mike Piazza’s coming
out party…but I digress). The teams fielded by the Best of the West are the
equivalent to an NFL team having Brett Favre, Ricky Williams, Terrell Owens, and
Marvin Harrison. It’s like five versions of the Yankees. Here is a brief outlook
on the five teams you should care about this season.

Dallas Mavericks- Mark Cuban may never win an NBA title, but is there any
doubt he is the best owner in professional sports? Just imagine what the sports
world would be like if all owners behaved like him, doing whatever it took to
make their product the best. He is a Steinbrenner without all the meddling.
Plus, I am convinced he runs his team as if the NBA is a fantasy league. The
collection of offensive talent on the Mavericks is astounding. They have no shot
of winning it all, but if I could get the NBA package (stupid dorm cable), I
would watch as many of their games as possible. The Mavericks are the classic
“Light up the regular season but get blasted in the postseason” team. They
should win 60 games or so, but they just don’t have the defense to win a series
with San Antonio or the Lakers in May. It’s a bloody shame too, because judging
from their internet photos, Dirk Nowitski and Steve Nash look like they would be
pretty fun guys to see celebrating a championship. Also, there isn’t a dollar
amount I wouldn’t pay to see Shawn Bradley dance at the victory parade.

San Antonio Spurs- First of all, any team with Tim Duncan should reserve
its spot in the Conference finals, period. That aside, I love what they did with
this team in the off-season. Manu Ginobili is about to become one of the five
best two-guards in the league, and I say Hedo Turkoglu will make the Kings
regret getting rid of him. First of all, he is a great ball-handler and shooter
for a guy his size. Secondly, he is so ugly, it will be hard for opponents to
look at him, let alone guard him. These guys have to be considered the
co-favorites to win it all.

L.A. Lakers- Man, I really don’t feel like talking about Kobe Bryant.
Let’s assume that money (I mean justice) prevails and he plays the entire
season. Everyone seems to think the key to their season is how well Karl Malone
and Gary Payton can adjust to sharing the ball, but I say the real issue is
whether Kobe can do it. Malone is at the end of his career and wants a title,
he’ll do whatever. Payton, for all his potential chemistry issues, is still a
point guard and is used to distributing the rock. Kobe is the only one with an
incessant need for the ball.

Kobe’s is the strangest form of selfishness I’ve ever seen. With most players,
their ball-hoggingg ways can be attributed to a desire to pad their stats in an
attempt to inflate the value of their contracts. With Kobe, I think winning is
the most important thing. His selfishness comes from thinking he is the only one
capable of leading his team to victory, Shaq or no Shaq. Very strange. I know
the Lakers are the trendy pick, but even with Karl Malone and Gary Payton, they
still didn’t address the area that killed them last year, which is the ability
to stop Tim Duncan. I still think they lose to the Spurs.

Sacramento Kings- Is it even worth going into it with this team? They are
the best passing team in the league, have the most depth, and from what I’ve
seen the addition of Brad Miller is going to be better than anyone thought. But
in the end, you know someone is going to get hurt in the playoffs and they will
lose. If they are healthy, they could win the title (they should have last year
with a healthy Webber). Since that never happens, let’s just enjoy them during
the regular season, and pray once again for a Mavs-Kings series, the most
entertainment in sports this side of Yankees-Red Sox.

Minnesota Timberwolves- Honestly, I don’t even know if they belong in the
discussion anymore. How bad do I feel for Kevin McHale? Let’s review what he did
this off-season: He adds a top-flight big in Olowokandi, gets Sam “Edvard
Munch’s ‘The Scream’” Cassell for a song from Milwaukee, and gives up a player
who retired to get Latrell Sprewell. What is up with that? Only a team as stupid
as my Hawks could get suckered into that deal. I don’t care how crazy the
salary-cap is, how can you explain to your fans you traded for a retired
player!!! Hey Atlanta, I hear Ralph Sampson and Bobby Hurley are available,
maybe you can trade for them! I wish Atlanta was in my fantasy football league,
maybe I could dump a few players on them.

McHale made those moves last summer and probably thought he was sitting pretty.
At the time, it looked like they had put together the best starting lineup in
the league. Then they sat back and watched all the teams in front of them get
better, to the point that they have (maybe) the fourth best lineup. Poor
bastards. Look for the T-Wolves to keep the status quo - another first round
flameout.

These five teams will keep me interested all season, and that’s not even
mentioning the Suns and Rockets, each of whom could surprise and climb into the
top tier.

2. The Return of EJ, Chuckie, and the Jet.

There are few programs I feel compelled to watch on television anymore -
Family Guy, West Wing, Saturday Night Live, and any reruns of Seinfeld or the
Simpsons (the good years, not the last few). For basketball fans, the one show
that shouldn’t be missed is the Thursday night NBA broadcasts on TNT. Forget the
games, just watch for halftime and the post-game show. Ernie Johnson, Kenny
Smith, and Charles Barkley (Is Magic still on the show? No matter) are the
perfect balance of information, humor, and silliness that all the other shows
attempt to recreate. They are the gold standard. They are so good, I think they
should do studio shows for the other sports too, regardless of their knowledge.
You wouldn’t want to hear Charles Barkley discussing hockey? College football? I
know I would. Plus Chuckles has been given that rare immunity by Americans to
say whatever he wants, regardless of its audacity. If Barkley were Rush
Limbaugh, he’d be ragging on Michael Irvin’s clothes on NFL Countdown right now.
I suggest watching this show as often as possible this year. Its only a matter
of time before Kenny Smith gets an offer to run a team and Barkley gets his own
talk show (aside from “Listen Up!”, which I don’t think they do anymore).

3. Waffle House.

Ok, I admit this has nothing to do with the NBA, but I am so excited I just
have to write about it. This past Tuesday, the northern-most Waffle House opened
right down the street from me in good ole’ Bethlehem, PA. I can’t believe my
luck! I never understood why they didn’t have them in the North. In Mississippi,
they are required by law to be located once every seven exits on the highways.
Do northerners not like breakfast? Or to eat quickly? Or cheaply?

Someone up here has finally come to their senses and opened one up, although it
took like nine months to build the damn thing. That makes no sense to me. All
you need is a grill and a few stools, it’s not like they’re painting frescos on
the ceiling or anything. Maybe they were building the appropriate
housefly-to-customer ratio, or were busy updating the jukebox to 1987. The
important thing is they are open now, and I can finally get a decent meal at
three o’clock in the morning. My co-workers and I went there the night it
opened, and I think it is safe to say I shortened my life expectancy by a good
three years with all the crap I shoveled down. For the record (if you listen
closely, you can hear my arteries clogging), I had two eggs, bacon, a waffle,
hash browns (scattered, covered, and peppered), toast, and grits. I did manage
to resist the temptation to drink the syrup.

Speaking of grits, I am unable to grasp the Yankee aversion to them. I don’t
consider them an acquired taste - its just food. It’s one thing not to eat them,
but I have friends who won’t even try them. It’s not like I just asked them to
try sheep’s testicles or something, its freakin’ grits! The North is a silly,
silly place. Anyway, the Bethlehem Waffle House is now open for business, and I
plan to be a frequent diner. Now if they could only open a Whataburger, I’d be
set.

…And one thing that makes me mad.

Lebronamania and Carmelophobia.

Here is the deal. Someday, these two players may be the two best on the
planet. They might even be two of the best right now, but it doesn’t change the
fact that their teams suck. They are collectively as watcheable as Sharon
Osbourne’s talk show (it makes The Magic Hour look like vintage Carson). I got
all excited to watch their debuts against each other Wednesday night, but after
a quarter and a half I couldn’t take any more.

Before they are even going to be considered the next great rivalry, their teams
will have to get a whole lot better, Cleveland in particular. Denver at least
has a few nice pieces in Carmelo, Andre Miller and Nene’, but LeBron is the only
Cavalier with staying power (maybe Zydrunas Ilgauskas when healthy). I got bored
with the action itself, but here are a few observations I had during the
telecast.

- When can we officially label Darius Miles a bust? He couldn’t hit a jump shot
if the basket were ten feet wide. The funny thing is, he absolutely made the
right decision to go to the NBA straight from high school, because had he gone
to college he might never have been drafted. He is awful…

- If I had to make a list of the NBA players I’d most like to see play, Earl
Boykins would be near the top of it. Why are small people so exciting to see in
action? At Lehigh, our running back, Jermaine Pugh, is a good 5-2 with his
helmet on. He looks like a pee-wee player our there, but he is really good and
fascinating to watch. Maybe The Man Show’s fascination with midget porn is
starting to make sense…

- I am not sure if there is a hell, but if so, Stuart Scott conducting celebrity
interviews (especially with rappers) must be intricately involved…

- I don’t mind that NBC doesn’t do the NBA broadcasts anymore, but ESPN/ABC’s
theme music has got to go. The slowed down “Na na hey hey song” almost sounds
funereal. I need music that is going to inspire me to watch basketball, not make
me reflect on the fragility of life…

- And a last comment about LeBron. His first game I was amazed at his poise and
that he could play so controlled in the face of all the pressure. I still think
that is true, but after watching last night, I think his biggest problem is
going to be realizing he is the best player on his team and playing that role.
It is admirable he shares so well right now and is doing his best not to rock
the boat (Lord knows I wouldn’t want to piss off Ricky Davis either), but this
team is headed for 60 losses unless he takes over McGrady-style. He may be good
enough to carry this team to 30 wins or so if he dominates the action. I don’t
know if that’s best for easing his transition into the NBA, but for the
Cavaliers, he is their best chance.

I don’t mind the NBA promoting Carmelo and LeBron; they both have the charm and
personality to carry the League for the next fifteen years. But before we start
hyping their encounters as classics, let’s see their teams make it out of the
lottery first. My guess is they are both a few years away at best.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Micah Hart is an original contributor to the CSR, and works in sports media in Atlanta. Micah can be reached at micahbhart@yahoo.com. He reminds you to Hook 'em Horns.

Share This Article

No Comments

No comments yet.

Comment On This Article