A Perfect Game, Imperfect Reporting

By: Chicago Sports Review

Top This!At the age of 40, playing for a last place team, Randy Johnson threw just the 17th perfect game in the history of baseball’s modern era Tuesday night. The Big Unit struck out 13 in his teams 2-0 victory. It was his second career no-hitter.

Just minutes later, at Wrigley Field, Jason Schmidt finished a game in which he gave up one hit and one walk to the Cubs in the Giants 1-0 victory. It was Schmidt’s fourth career one-hitter. Which begs the question: what the hell is wrong with Jason Schmidt?

No, Too Sexy!

With the Olympic Committee granting the possibility of an influx of trans gender athletes into Olympic Competition, opinions have been decidedly mixed.

In one instance, New York ophthalmologist and former man-card carrying member Renee Richards, actually spoke out against the measure after playing in women’s tennis tournaments in the 1970’s.

“Basically, I think they’re making a wrong judgment here, although I would have loved to have that judgment made in my case in 1976,” she said. “In some sports, the physical superiority of men over women is very significant.”

On another note, Judge Judy adjourned court early after hearing the ruling, saying she was looking forward to fulfilling a “lifelong dream”.

You Sneeze, You Lose

Sammy Sosa uncorked a monster sneeze Saturday, and has now added his name to the disabled list.

Sosa missed Sunday’s game in San Diego after two violent sneezes brought on back spasms. He was examined by Dr. Michael Schaefer, the Cubs’ orthopedic specialist, before Tuesday’s game against the Giants, and tests revealed a sprained ligament in his back.

Sosa sounded vengeful after the game publicly vowing to “never sneeze again.” Five minutes later, however, sipping reflectively on a ten million dollar bottle of Pepsi in the warm glow of cameras, Sosa was resplendent. He was heard muttering “Baseball ben beddy good to me.”

Dread-ful Marijuana Testing

Ricky Williams on Tuesday again denied any media attempts to learn if he had in fact failed a second drug test for marijuana.

“No one in the NFL can talk about anything regarding the substance-abuse program,” Williams said during a media availability before the team began a three-day quarterback school at its practice facility. “League-wide, it’s a confidentiality thing. … I’m here to answer questions about football.”

Experts, however, have remained skeptical about Williams recent story about going to New York for reasons other than to deal with the fall-out of his second test.

One anonymously stated, “Dude, he has dreadlocks.”

When notified that Ricky had recently shaved his famous locks, the source remained adamant. “Anybody who has dreadlocks is high, or at least is on something good. Look at me, man. I have them, and I’m high.”

Told that Ricky had lost the hair he quickly re-affirmed, “Besides, he has dreadlocks, man! That’s awesome!”
On Pace for a Trim

The Indiana Pacers wrapped up their Eastern Conference semifinal series with the Miami Heat on Tuesday, building up a second half lead, and holding on to win 73-70, breaking the Heat’s 18 game home winning streak. They now await the winner of the Detroit Pistons- New Jersey Nets series, which will commence sometime in the 3rd millennium.

Ron Artest led the Pacers with 27 points, and zero psychotic meltdowns. Asked to sum up the game, Artest stroked his mustache mysteriously.

One source called the upper-lip-do, “Really awful. I wish Magnum P.I and Geraldo would beat him senseless. Seriously.”

Grave Mis-Understanding

Cincinnati Reds closer Danny Graves lost his wallet at the start of a West Coast trip last week and figured he would never see it again. The wallet contained his credit cards, his driver’s license, his Reds identification card to get into ballparks and about $1,400 in cash.

A man who cleaned the team’s bus in San Diego not only returned the wallet and all of its contents, but took extraordinary precautions to make it would be safe during shipping.

“The guy kept the cash and exchanged it for traveler’s checks so it wouldn’t get stolen through the mail,” Graves said Tuesday. “It was like $1,400 in cash. He did say, `I borrowed $26 to overnight it to you.’

“He sent his name, address and phone number. He said, `All I ask for is could you please sign an autograph for my father.’ He’s going to get a little more than an autograph.”

Well, that’s nice.

Now this is good and bad. The bad: the guy had $1400 of a multi-millionaires money, and exchanged it for an autograph that is worth about as much my two cents. On a good note: with his investment savvy, that money may have gone into ImClone stock, or better yet, a purchase of 1400 Danny Graves autographs.

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