Hart Surgery: Master Debaters, Part Deux

By: Micah Hart

Following the rousing success of the first debate between me and Tom (and by rousing, I mean my mother liked it), we came back this week for round two. Just like the presidential debate Friday night, this will be in a town hall forum, with each of us responding to questions asked by a panel of sports fans.

In this case, questions were submitted by a wide cross-section of fans: Jeff Asher, a bail bondsman in Austin, TX; Mike Stagnitta, a goat-herder in Bethlehem, PA; Russin Royal, a quality assurance manager for Huggies in Chicago; Joey Lazarus, a rodeo clown in Dallas, TX; Jeff Tobin, a deep-sea fisherman in Houston; and Danny Milner, a cybernanny in Washington, DC.

(note- Tom’s words are in italics, mine are in normal font)

1. With the departure of Chip Caray, who should be the new voice of the Chicago Cubs?

I’d like to see Rick Sutcliffe, who has name recognition as a famous Cub, and also is interested in broadcasting and does a good job. Sutcliffe is also enough in tune with the national scene to be on WGN, which is seen around the country.

Sutcliffe doing play-by-play? Or are you suggesting they just have two analysts. Cubs fans can’t get over Harry Caray, so I suggest they hire Will Farrell to just do Harry for them.

2. The Expos move to Washington DC….great for DC or tragic for Montreal?

It’s about time baseball got back to the Capital. Montreal deserved a better fate, but only because of how long this sordid affair dragged out. The Expos were a casualty of baseball economics. They couldn’t compete, so I am glad they moved. And anything that makes Peter Angelos mad is OK by me.

It’ll be great in five years when they realize that baseball does not work in DC, and they move the team again. Montreal got the shaft on this-bad economics.

3. You are the coach of a team that just gave up 127 yards to Emmitt Smith. What do you say to them to prepare them for this week’s game?

You don’t say anything. Instead, you pack your bags. I propose a new rule for the NFL: Any team that allows Emmitt Smith to rush for over 100 yards, their defensive coaches are automatically fired.

Emmitt Smith is pretty good still. If they gave him the ball 30 times a game, he’d rush for 1200-1300 yards per season. Not the way to win, but there’s no shame in him having a big game.

I’m sorry, I know I’m breaking the rules to rebut the rebuttal here, but are you serious? 1200-1300 a season? Do you work for the Cardinals? Or the Bush campaign? That is some impressive spin.

4. Now that we’re fully into the season, what is an ideal fantasy football draft strategy?

Get the best name players that you possibly can, and then trade them. Do not ever draft anyone who plays for the following teams: Rams, Steelers, 49ers, Jets, Packers, Chiefs. Micah will respond that guys like Hines Ward, Priest Holmes, and Torry Holt play for these teams. Micah loses every year.

I don’t have anything to add, other than that last I checked, I won the fantasy baseball league I am in with Tom.

5. If Micah is supposed to know so much about sports, why is he so bad at fantasy football?

Ummm, I would love to make excuses, but it’s true. My team is like Communism: great on paper, lousy in reality. Thank god only twelve people are able to watch my team perform, or else I would lose a lot of credibility.

Micah is such a slave to the mainstream sports media machine that he has lost capacity for original thought. This hurts fantasy performance.

6. What is the best/worst thing about professional sports in America?

I don’t know what the best thing is. The worst thing is probably the fans these days. There are too many fans, and they are all consumed with fantasy sports and numbers. They are almost all bandwagoners, and there is a huge amount of uneducated chatter out there.

Too many fans? Are you suggesting we euthanize some of them to bring the numbers back down? If so, I suggest starting with Jets fans. The best thing in sports is Kirk Herbstreit, who I have a heterosexual male crush on.

7. Of the four major sports (NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL), which athletes do you think get the most booty?

Judging strictly by illegitimate progeny, I would say NBA players. There are less of them, they are easier for groupies to spot because of their height, and dunking is the sexiest play in sports (it’s why I do it so often).

Disagree. Women love baseball players. National pastime. Basketball players only attract a certain segment of the population. Baseball players get good girls, bad girls.

8. If Texas loses to OU, is Mack Brown done?

I don’t think so. I think he’s got quite a nice program there in Texas. He can’t win the big game, but I am not sure his job should rest on it. However, I believe that in most cases, not being able to get over the hump in a major rivalry is an issue that should get you fired. Just not here, because OU is special these days.

Mack Brown most likely will not be fired if they lose, but if it’s another debacle, I think it is time to take a hard look at things. OU is no more talented than Texas, so something else must be afoot to keep them winning by 50 points every year.

9. Regardless of their original intention (making money), I like the concept of conference championship games. Should they be expanded so that every (or at least all the major conferences) have a championship game?

Not at all. Every conference isn’t big enough to warrant a championship game (you must have twelve teams), and it’s a major obstacle in the way of a playoff. Also, none of the coaches like them, as it often requires a team to beat another twice in one season.

All the major conferences should have a championship game. Makes money. Gives the fans a great game. Gives teams another test. As a Big XII-er, I love it.

10. Why do people consider the Red Sox an underdog and root for them? Shouldn’t we all be rooting for the Twins?

I will never understand why people root for the Red Sox. The Red Sox, to me, are a group of losers, and it is anti-American to root for them. If you want to root for a dog, you should root for the Twins. If you want to root for a team with tons of resources and no killer instinct, root for the Red Sox or Cubs.

I want the Red Sox to win, just so their fans will SHUT THE HELL UP.

11. Did Ricky Williams destroy the Dolphins franchise or did Dave Wandstedt do it long before Ricky left?

It’s probably a chicken-and-the-egg argument. Either way the franchise was in trouble. Why are people so mad he is coming back? If you quit your job at Chili’s, then found out you owed them $8.6 mill, wouldn’t you go back to making baby-back ribs?

Barbecue sauce! Wannstedt is an idiot. Ricky is an idiot too. The two of them deserve each other. But putting 70 percent of your team’s faith in one unstable individual is cause for firing.

12. Is Trev Alberts the stupidest man on TV?

I don’t know enough about him to make this judgment. In general I think that there are a number of sports personalities who get way too much time on the air. My vote would have to be Chris Berman, though. He is a one-trick pony, and possibly the worst football handicapper in the modern world.

I like Trev Alberts actually, if for no other reason than he doesn’t hesitate to rip his alma mater, Nebraska, when they screw up (which is quite often of late). He doesn’t pull any punches. The stupidest man on TV is Beano “Three Faces In One” Cook.

13. Who will better this year, Kobe and the Lakers or Shaq and the Heat?

I say Shaq and the Heat. The Lakers have more talent, but compete in a tougher conference. A healthy Shaq will dominate the East, even if he is playing with a lineup featuring Dwyane Wade, Rerun from What’s Happenin?, Jimmy Buffet, and the fat guy from Teen Wolf.

I say Kobe and the Lakers. Shaq is a chump, and I really like the supporting cast that Kobe has. Plus, Kobe has something to prove, moreso than Shaq.

14. How many consecutive games must the Patriots win in order for their achievement to be considered as great as that of the 1972 Dolphins?

However many it would take for them to finish a full season undefeated. Winning games over two seasons doesn’t count. So, the answer is 12 more. The Pats are a great team, though-they just win games.

Tom is right, if we are talking about a single season. However, the Patriots are well on their way to passing those Dolphin teams as a dynasty. It is much harder to win today than it was then. And I bet Adam Vinitieri throws a better spiral than Garo Yepremian.

15. If Chris Webber never called that timeout would Michigan had won that game versus UNC?

Actually no, because since it was revealed Webber accepted money from boosters, those teams never actually played. So either way, UNC wins that title.

Disagree. Chris Webber calling that timeout changed sports forever. If he doesn’t call the timeout, he makes a shot to win it. They win it the next year. He goes on to a great NBA career. He wins multiple championships. He becomes untouchable. He changes the world of sports. Unfortunately, he turned into a loser at that moment, though he still gets to go out with Tyra Banks, which is nice.

16. When will they begin playing hockey again? Actually my question is, Does anyone care when they’ll begin playing hockey again?

I certainly do not care. I don’t watch hockey until the playoffs, and only late in the playoffs then. This is going to be the best thing to ever happen to hockey-they’re going to realize how much better their regular season is when they play only 50 games. NBA, are you listening?

I love hockey. The Atlanta Thrashers are the best team in hockey. Hockey is the best sport on the planet.

17. Who should retire first, Paterno or Bowden?

JoePa, by a long shot. Bobby Bowden is a CEO, not a coach. All he has to do is shake the hands of recruits and decide if he wants to go for two. Paterno is still heavily involved in the preparation of his team, so their descent is more directly a result of his decline.

I agree. JoePa is really old, and he’s been passed by. He should retire with his dignity. Bowden is still serviceable, in his own unique role.

18. Is Northwestern not as bad as we thought? Or is Ohio State not as good as we thought? Or both?

I was at this game. Great game. Nothing to do with either team. It was one of those things where one team just catches a bit of lightning in a bottle for about three and a half hours, and some other force takes over. It really has nothing to do with the quality of either team.

Not sure if Northwestern is as bad as we thought, but Ohio State is not very good, whether we thought it beforehand or not. When your kicker is your best offensive weapon, you are in trouble. Kudos to NW to finally making the Buckeyes pay.

19. Should we be upset that LeBron is a father?

Nah. I think he is working on a reality-TV concept for the future. He is going to have twelve kids over the next year, and then 18 years from now they will all play together in the NBA’s version of the Patridge Family. Think of the ratings!

I implore Lebron to understand that he has an opportunity to be a role model for a group of people (young, African-American men) that desperately needs a strong role model. I hope that he embraces this responsibility/opportunity.

Also, Micah is stupid.

20. Whose playoffs are more frustrating: MLB with 10:00 games, or NBA with games every 5 days?

NBA. MLB playoffs are great. The Red Sox/Angels game last night was awesome, and I didn’t even see the end. The NBA playoffs, by and large, are pretty bad, and they are so drawn out that it’s basically obnoxious. The NBA seems to have no idea about how to schedule things so that they are exciting.

There is no reason for a playoff game to start at 10:00pm. Having said that, the NBA playoffs are so much worse. Except for the Hawks. I love the Hawks. They are the best team in basketball.

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Micah Hart is an original contributor to the CSR, and works in sports media in Atlanta. Micah can be reached at micahbhart@yahoo.com. He reminds you to Hook 'em Horns.

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