Guide to Christmas Shopping

By: Rick Paulas

For Carlos Beltran - Seeing as he’s set to make about $60 billion over the next few years, I would say that your best bet would be making something instead of buying something. Maybe a personally created mix CD, or a self-edited compilation of your personal home movies, complete with excessive slow motion, many star wipes and a soundtrack courtesy of Brooks & Dunn. I’m sure he’ll treasure that.

For Dave Wannstedt - Ricky Williams’ head on a platter, sans dreads. Also, seeing as how he’s not occupying his time with football now, you could talk to your buddies in the porn industry and get him an audition. He’s already got the mustache.

For Ricky Williams - ‘Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas’ and its amazing 90-plus hours of gameplay. He’s going to need something to do while he waits for a team to pick him up. If a team does eventually accept him, he can use the game to keep himself occupied in the locker room while his teammates curse him behind his back. And in front of his back. Hell, as long as they don’t get in the way of starting virtual gang turf wars or picking up simulated hookers, it’s all right by Ricky.

For Any Boston Sports Fan - You can go ahead and take them off the list this year. Seriously, I think they’ll manage.

For Ken Williams - A collection of Red Sox Championship DVDs for him to send to Randy Johnson, illustrating how Curt Schilling has become a deity in Boston after only one year. I think he’ll get the hint that he could perform the same feat while playing on Chicago’s South Side.

For Peter Angelo - Kurt Warner’s phone number. And a team that thinks all David Terrell needs is a change of scenery. I think he’d fit in quite well with the Seahawks.

For Drew Bledsoe - Seeing as how his football career is over, how about an interview with ESPN to get his broadcasting career kick-started?

For Bulls Fans - Just a little hope. Not much. Just a sense that they’re heading in the right direction. Maybe a free-agent signing. Or a solid trade. Or putting together a nice string of victories. Something. That’s all.

For the Producers of ‘The Late Late Show’ - A full-time host. Anyone will do. How about Robert Goulet? Or maybe Dustin Diamond? Perhaps Lou Holtz? Whoever it is, just make it a permanent host. With this constant flow of guest hosts, Alf’s Hit Talk Show on TV Land is an easier watch.

For Jimmy Smith - Seeing as he’s one of the greatest wide receivers of the past few decades, it’s about time you showed him some respect. Maybe by printing out his stats and handing them out to a few co-workers. Or posting an argument of his worth on a sports message board. It doesn’t have to be much. Jimmy’s used to you ignoring him, so anything will be appreciated.

For Barry Bonds - A year supply of urine samples provided by John Clayton.

For the creators of ‘My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss’ - Get your friends in the Emmy Award Category Creation Committee to make a ‘Best Guilty Pleasure’ award, which the show will win easily.

For Eli Manning - Eli’s tough to buy for, so a simple phone call will suffice. One where you laugh at him until he starts sobbing uncontrollably. The over/under is two minutes.

For Dan Marino - Putting a voodoo-esque hex on Peyton Manning, giving him Shane Matthews’ arm strength with Jonathan Quinn’s accuracy. The side effect, of course, will be that we have to see Peyton Manning throwing his arms up in disgust even more often than he does now. That’ll be painful, but for a friend like Dan Marino, it’s well worth it.

For Anyone Offended by the Monday Night Football ‘Desperate Housewives’ Skit - A nice gift basket that includes: (A) Any David Cross CD; (B) George Carlin’s new book, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?; (C) Pictures of your gay friends holding hands; (D) Sirius satellite radios programmed to only receive transmissions of Howard Stern shows; (E) a homemade compilation tape featuring every re-broadcast of the skit on news shows throughout the country because of the public outcry.

For Anna Nicole Smith - Frankly, I don’t think she knows Christmas is coming. Save your money and wait for her to awake from her walking drug-induced extended coma before buying her any gifts. Why waste your money? In fact, why don’t you spend it on …

For TrimSpa Executives - A new spokesperson. Someone who doesn’t suggest that the product, while making you thinner, has the side effect of massive brain loss.

For Detroit Pistons fans - Sedatives.

For Ron Artest - Sedatives. And a gift certificate for a frontal lobotomy, in case the drugs don’t work.

For George Steinbrenner - Seeing as how he’s probably not having the greatest holiday season, you’re going to have to cheer him up with something special. Maybe a soul. Or a heart. If you don’t think that buying Big George feelings is the way to go, you always add to his collection of medieval torture devices. Or some S&M garments. He’d enjoy those, too.

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Rick Paulas is a writer living in Los Angeles, and perhaps the galaxy's premier fantasy baseball adviser. A collection of his McSweeney's Fantasy Advice can be found here. He edits The Coming and Duct Tape & Rouge.

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