Mocking the NFL Draft

By: John M. Crist

Ah, the NFL Draft. One of my absolute favorite weekends on the sporting calendar. Just like I did last year, my plan is to sit in front of the TV and watch every single pick over the course of two days and close to 20 hours of coverage. I have a fresh legal pad, a few pens, a bucket of 50 chicken wings from Dick’s, a 12-pack of Rolling Rock in the fridge, and needless to say, no plans for the evening.

I’m as ready as ready can be. And yes, I am fully aware that I have no life. On to the picks:

The draft has a new home this year, the Jacob J. Javitz Center on the west side of Manhattan …

ESPN’s Chris Berman is anchoring the show at the head table once again, and he is joined this year by Chris Mortenson, Mel Kiper Jr., and St. Louis Rams wide receiver Torry Holt. Strange as it may sound, especially for an FSU guy like me, I’m almost disappointed that Michael Irvin won’t be a part of the program. He’s a lot like JR Ewing for me, someone I love to hate …

Kiper gets an incredible ovation from the New York crowd as Berman introduces him at the top of the broadcast. This guy was nothing more than a number-crunching stat geek not too long ago, but now he is one of the more respected evaluators of talent in football and an cult figure among pigskin fans. He’s like Bobby Fischer with a stopwatch and better hair …

The San Francisco 49ers have been on the clock with the #1 overall selection ever since that dreadful 2-14 campaign last season, and although they have been trying hard to trade down to acquire more picks, there haven’t been any takers yet. This is considered to be a deep draft, but there are few marquee names that other teams want to jump up and grab. The latest rumors suggest that the 49ers will go ahead and select quarterback Alex Smith of Utah and try to deal him later …

Berman sends it out to correspondent Sal Paolantonio for “an early morning scone,” a cheesy line that he is already wearing out today. Paolantonio is on site at 4949 Centennial Boulevard, the home of the 49ers. He’s been trolling around the San Francisco front office since dawn looking for insight on what new coach Mike Nolan will do with the top pick in the draft …

Believe it or not, no running back has been taken in the top-10 since LaDainian Tomlinson went 5th to the San Diego Chargers back in ‘01. That position has been downgraded lately because there are so many good ones coming out of college these days, and for the most part, if you have a good offensive line, almost any ball-carrier will succeed. Nevertheless, runners Ronnie Brown, Carnell ‘Cadillac’ Williams, and Cedric Benson are all forecasted to be off the board pretty quickly …

Here is the first commercial for Madden NFL 2006, and if history is a barometer of things to come, there will be many more. I remember thinking Tecmo Super Bowl was the greatest thing in the world back in the days of the original Nintendo, but video games these days are so advanced it’s sick. They even have an option where you can be Terrell Owens and hold out for a new contract seven minutes after you sign a new deal …

I love New York. The Javitz Center crowd boos the 49ers just as Commissioner Paul Tagliabue announces they are officially on the clock. Tags stops just short of morphing into Uma Thurman from the “Kill Bill” movies and butchering the front row with his Hattori Hanzo sword …

Suzy Kolber is interviewing Smith down in the green room, and he is adamant about not holding out and wants to get into camp as quickly as possible. They all say that when the cameras are on, but his agent, Tom Condon, is on record as saying he wants even more than the $20 million signing bonus he got for Eli Manning last year. The 49ers new ownership group has a reputation for being cheaper than George Costanza, so it will be interesting to see how these negotiations go down …

USC wide receiver Mike Williams is the #1 player available on Kiper’s board, even though he didn’t play a single down of football last year after trying unsuccessfully to gain entry into the ‘04 draft …

Kolber is interviewing Condon now, which is a complete waste of time in my opinion. Who in their right mind is going to believe one word out of an agent’s mouth on draft day? Bill Clinton gave straighter answers during Lewinsky-Gate …

It’s official, Smith is the top pick to San Francisco. In a stunner, the Mountain West Conference gets a #1 overall selection before the ACC and Big 12 ever get one. Smith is the 5th consecutive QB to be taken first, following Eli Manning, Carson Palmer, David Carr, and Michael Vick …

Nolan is being interviewed by Paolantonio again, and apparently the organization has changed their mind about trying to trade the top pick in the draft. “We will keep Alex Smith, yes we will,” he says with utmost confidence. He only has to live up to the legacy of Hall-of-Famers Joe Montana and Steve Young, so no pressure there …

Michigan wideout Braylon Edwards is sitting at his table in the green room sending text messages, too busy to even notice that the cameras are on him. He’s been running his mouth about dominating the NFL and is apparently rolling in a $140,000 Bentley already. Once again, the WR position inspires another startling display of unabashed cockiness and shameless bravado …

Brown, the first of two highly-regarded Auburn tailbacks, goes #2 to the Miami Dolphins. Like the 49ers, Miami tried desperately to trade out of this pick and acquire a few more selections, but there were no takers. This kid has the whole package, so it looks like I can finally take off my hemp hoodie and wave goodbye to the Ricky Williams era in South Beach …

For the second consecutive year, the official hats of the NFL Draft are mesh, proving once again that the whole retro thing has gone way too far. Next year, I’m expecting Tagliabue to greet the players on stage with a “Relax” t-shirt and a Rubik’s Cube …

Edwards goes #3 to the Cleveland Browns, who have to be ecstatic he is still there because he was the top player available on a lot of draft boards. Although they could really use a QB for the future, they are in desperate need of a play-maker down the field. If tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. ever gets his act together, they could be quite a duo in the passing game …

Benson goes #4 to the Chicago Bears, and he even cut off his dreadlocks to give himself a business-like makeover. The former Longhorn is overcome with emotion when he hears his name called, mostly because he has been “unfairly” compared to another UT standout, the aforementioned flake Ricky Williams. By the way, a guy named Walter Payton was the fourth overall selection for the Bears back in ‘75, and he turned out to be pretty good …

Cadillac Williams of Auburn goes #5 to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, which is far from a surprise. Coach Jon Gruden fell in love with him at the Senior Bowl, and although ‘Chucky’ put out mixed signals on a lot of players, Cadillac was the guy all along. Upon being interviewed from his home in Alabama, he tells us that his Tiger teammate Brown “may have won the war, but the battle is not over.” Uh, it’s the other way around, big guy. Never mind …

Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones, a cornerback out of West Virginia, heads to the Tennessee Titans with the sixth pick. Kolber tells us that he got his nickname as a baby because he emptied the contents of his baby bottle so fast. I thought it was because he tried to eat any kid in his neighborhood that was wearing a blue shirt …

Now I wish my nickname was ‘Q-Bert’ …

Troy Williamson, a speed merchant wideout from South Carolina, goes to the Minnesota Vikings at #7, which is a little bit of a surprise since Mike Williams is still available. Naturally, Williamson has the better 40-yard dash time, which is all that really matters to some of these NFL scouts. Even David Faustino would be a second-rounder if he ran a 4.4 …

My life has been a little out of balance lately, but I’m sure if I wear a QRay Ionized Bracelet like everyone does in this commercial, I’ll meet the girl of my dreams and knock five strokes off my golf game …

Cornerback Antrel Rolle of Miami is now an Arizona Cardinal as the #8 pick. For the first time today, QB Aaron Rodgers of California has to really be worried. He was the clear-cut #1 player available ahead of Smith not more than a week or two, but since fewer teams than usual are in the market for a signal-caller this year, he could be in for a serious tumble down the draft board …

The draft is only eight picks deep, and we already have our first male enhancement advertisement of the day. “If Sara wants to turn a cozy moment into the right moment, I want to be ready.” And if she doesn’t, I guess I’ll just go back to fantasizing about Phoebe Cates coming out of the pool in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” …

Another cornerback, Carlos Rogers of Auburn, goes #9 to the Washington Redskins. The draft has been very by-the-book so far, with each team taking the full 15 minutes to entertain any potential trade offers and satisfying their most immediate personnel needs. Rogers is the third War Eagle already, and he’s the third corner in the last four picks …

Chicken wings have to be one of the greatest inventions of the all time. No question about it. In my mind, they’re on par with the wheel and TiVo …

And just like that, we have our first head-turner of the day as the Detroit Lions ignore their gaping holes on defense and nab Mike Williams at #10. He is the third consecutive wide receiver GM Matt Millen has taken in the top-10, joining Charles Rogers from 2003 and Roy Williams last year. “The excuses are over for Joey Harrington,” says Berman, as the piano-playing QB suddenly has more toys than Tom Hanks in the movie “Big” …

Hummer is pounding us with commercials for the new H3, and considering General Motors reported a $1 billion loss last quarter, let’s hope you don’t have to sell a kidney to fill up the gas tank …

We finally have our first trade of the day, as the New Orleans Saints acquire the 13th pick from the Texans in order to select offensive lineman Jammal Brown of Oklahoma ahead of the Carolina Panthers at #14. Trades are one of the signature aspects of the draft, but this one is pretty lackluster. I have to go to the bathroom again, so now I remember why I don’t drink beer anymore when I go out at night …

It’s starting to get embarrassing for Rodgers, who is still sitting in the green room waiting for his name to be called. He’s putting on a good face for the cameras, but you know he’s dying inside right now. You can knock about half-a-million off his signing bonus for every team that passes on him at this point …

I just saw a pay-per-view commercial for an upcoming WWE event, and I almost choked on a chicken wing when I saw that Hulk Hogan was on the card. By the way, he’s 51 years old. This could be the first wrestling match in history that features an early bird special and ends with a broken hip …

Rodgers’ mom is being consoled in the green room by, I’m not kidding, Donovan McNabb’s mom. You only see this stuff at the NFL Draft. I can just imagine her saying, “Don’t worry about it, Mrs. Rodgers, you’ll feel better after a bowl of Campbell’s Chunky Soup.” …

The Jacksonville Jaguars, who could really use another weapon on offense, are on the clock at #21. Mark Clayton of Oklahoma is perhaps the most polished receiver in the draft and is still available, but the Jags make a play for the wild card and select Matt Jones of Arkansas. Jones was a quarterback in Fayetteville, but his incredible numbers at the scouting combine, 4.37 in the 40-yard dash for a guy who’s 6′6″ and 240 pounds, made him the darling of the draft as a potential game-breaking wideout …

Clayton goes one pick later to the Baltimore Ravens at #22, and he should pair nicely with free agent signee Derrick Mason to finally give QB Kyle Boller some bona fide threats on the outside …

ESPN announces that they are getting in the pay-per-view boxing business. Aren’t they a little late for the party considering how much of a mess the entire sport of boxing is these days? That’s like offering to buy a round of shots for your buddies five minutes after the bartender made last call …

Rodgers finally goes to the Green Bay Packers at #24, where he will have the unenviable task of following in the deified footsteps of Brett Favre …

“Erections lasting longer than four hours, while rare, require immediate medical attention.” That and a salute …

Quarterback Jason Campbell goes #25 to the Redskins, and for once, all the speculation surrounding a trade is actually true. In the last four seasons under maniacal owner Dan Snyder, the ‘Skins have drafted Patrick Ramsey in the first round to be the QB of the future, grossly overpaid Mark Brunell to be the QB of the present, re-inserted Ramsey as the QB of the present and future, and now draft Campbell in the first round to be the new QB of the future. The tax code is easier to understand than this team …

There is a better chance Clay Aiken will be selected in the third round by the Bears than I will pay $8.50 to see “XXX: State of the Union” …

I notice on the bottle that a Rolling Rock Green Light has only 83 calories, which should help keep my total intake for the day somewhere in the neighborhood of 7,500 …

Pacman Jones is the first Mountaineer to go this early since Renaldo Turnbull in ‘90. Let’s hope his career turns out a little better. Turnbull made one Pro Bowl in ‘93 but was out of the league by ‘98 …

Brown, Williams, and Rogers of Auburn are the first trio of players from the same school to go in the top-10 since Ki-Jana Carter, Kerry Collins, and Kyle Brady of Penn State back in ‘95. Carter blew out his knee the following preseason and was a colossal bust, Collins was a drunk who bounced from team to team before growing up and having a decent career, and Brady has caught a paltry 22 TDs in 10 seasons. Not a good omen …

The first round comes to a conclusion as the Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots take versatile offensive lineman Logan Mankins of Fresno State with the 32nd pick. Even though he was a third-rounder on a lot of draft boards, Bill Belichick’s absurd run of success has given his team total draft immunity at this point. Here are the totals for round one:

· 5 hours and 47 minutes, the second longest in history
· 18 offensive players and 14 defensive players
· 6 wide receivers, the most for any position
· 4 Auburn Tigers
· 2 trades, a major buzz kill considering there were 10 last year
· 8 Rolling Rocks
· 29 chicken wings

The event starts to slow down considerably after the first round comes to a conclusion. Tagliabue gives way to Gene Washington, the picks come off the board much faster and, for the most part, they do so with very little fanfare. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep for the latter half of round two …

The biggest surprise of the day is the Denver Broncos selecting former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett with the final pick in the third round, but I’m convinced this is an ego play on coach Mike Shanahan’s part just to see if he can turn any bum tailback into a 1,500-yard rusher. Nobody had him coming off the board before the sixth round, but since Denver didn’t have a fourth or a fifth, they grabbed him when they could …

Berman finally signs off after 11 marathon hours of live coverage. In that time, I have eaten the equivalent of five whole chickens and two pints of blue cheese. And even though I have to flip a coin to decide whether to go to bed or to the emergency room, I can’t wait for the fourth round to start tomorrow.

I’m gonna need some more chicken wings, too.

John Crist is a longtime contributor to the CSR, and the Editor-in-Chief of Bear Report Magazine. Check it out and become a Bears Insider. You can contact him at johncrist@yahoo.com.

Share This Article

No Comments

No comments yet.

Comment On This Article