One Hit Wonders

By: John M. Crist

Some thoughts that are on my mind as I take a break from jury deliberations in the Michael Jackson trial:

When I make a list of must-see-TV NBA Finals matchups, Spurs vs. Pistons is right up there with Hornets vs. Hawks …

Anne Bancroft passed away this week at the age of 73, and I think I speak for a legion of virile men across this country when I tip my cap and say, “Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson.” …

Angels first baseman Darin Erstad drilled Braves catcher Johnny Estrada in one of the most violent home plate collisions in years, a perfectly legal play by the way, but I still think he had an opportunity to slide in safely without contact …

I heard three words this past weekend that I never thought I would hear at Pat O’Brien’s on Bourbon Street in New Orleans: “Sorry, we’re closed.” …

What does it say about the state of the heavyweight boxing division that we still have to shell out $49.95 on Showtime Pay-Per-View to see a washed-up, skills-eroded, obviously disturbed, financially desperate, facially-tattooed, pigeon-loving, ear-biting, children-eating, convicted rapist like Mike Tyson fight a no-name stiff like Kevin McBride? …

Quick, name one theater production that A) did well at the Tony Awards this week and B) was not originally a full-length Monty Python’s Flying Circus movie …

Rockies shortstop Clint Barmes breaking his clavicle falling on a flight of steps while carrying his groceries ranks just ahead of Sammy Sosa’s sneeze-induced back injury and just behind Jeff Kent’s truck-washing broken wrist on the bull@#$%-o-meter …

Just once I would like to see Tom Cruise not take himself so seriously and maybe star as the assistant manager of a Dairy Queen who hires a chimpanzee to work the drive-thru alongside Hilary Duff and that kid from “Napolean Dynomite” …

Annika Sorenstam is the greatest player in the history of women’s golf and in the middle of the most dominant run the sport has ever seen, yet she plays second fiddle this week at the McDonald’s LPGA Championship because 15 year-old Michelle Wie will compete on a ratings-driven sponsor’s exemption in an attempt to sell more Big Macs …

In defense of Russell Crowe, seriously, who hasn’t wanted to throw a telephone at a concierge at least half a dozen times? …

Pedro Martinez has been incredible so far in his first season with the Mets, posting a 7-1 record and leading the league in strikeouts, but in the long run, I still think it will be a costly mistake giving a lucrative four-year contract to an aging featherweight with a long track record of arm injuries …

Molly Ringwold has finally read a script that is to her liking for a sequel to “Sixteen Candles”, and we can only hope that it once again brings her the widespread commercial appeal that “The Tulse Luper Suitcases” did …

Utah big man Andrew Bogut will probably be a solid player in the NBA, but the Milwaukee Bucks certainly won’t be getting another Kareem Abdul-Jabbar with the #1 overall pick in this month’s draft, or for that matter, not even another Glen Robinson …

For some inexplicable reason, it’s always the fattest, hairiest, smelliest guys who feel the need to cruise around the men’s locker room at the health club naked as Matthew McConaughey playing his bongo drums …

Danica Patrick showed the open-wheel world that she is much more than a hottie with a helmet at this year’s Indianapolis 500 by finishing fourth, but she got really lucky when she spun her car coming out of a restart and probably should have ended up in the wall and out of the race …

Whether he is driving a Titleist into a whale’s blowhole or popping Junior Mints while watching surgery, I can say without hesitation that Kramer from “Seinfeld” is the greatest character in television history …

ESPN has now withdrawn its name from college football’s Bowl Championship Series process just like the Associated Press did back in December, another punch in the mouth for the fatally-flawed system and the equivalent of the student body not wanting to vote for the Homecoming Queen …

Once you live in downtown Chicago and have access to pizza like Lou Malnati’s and Gino’s East on a regular basis, you’ll never be able to order a pie from Domino’s or Papa John’s ever again without curling up on your couch in the fetal position and repeatedly whispering to yourself, “Sausage is sausage.” …

For all of you who have been waiting for the upstart Chicago White Sox to come back to the pack, they still have the best record in baseball, and with Frank Thomas back in the lineup and delivering a dramatic game-tying homerun the other day, the offense just got a little more dangerous …

Back when Al Gore invented the internet, do you think he envisioned a day when we would have an e-mail inbox flooded with a dozen messages offering great deals on generic Viagra and a dozen more from barely legal teenage girls who want to party? …

We are more than two months into the baseball season, and even though Michael Wuertz has just as many wins as Mark Prior and Will Ohman owns twice as many as Kerry Wood, Derrek Lee has almost single-handedly slugged the Chicago Cubs back into wild card contention …

Prediction for next year’s installment of “24″: Jack Bauer gets gunned down by a gang of drug warlords, but they can rebuild him, they have the technology, so CTU turns him into the second coming of the Six Million Dollar Man …

He may not be the next Michael Jordan, and nobody will be, but anybody who thinks the future of LeBron James is that much brighter than that of Dwyane Wade didn’t watch the Eastern Conference playoffs very closely …

I honestly think you can eliminate your chances of being arrested and broadcast on an episode of “Cops” simply by making a point to wear a shirt in public at all times …

Safety Sean Taylor is skipping voluntary workouts in the nation’s capital and recently got arrested back in Miami on multiple weapons charges, so sure, I can understand why the Redskins should tear up his current seven-year contract after only one season and give him more money like he’s asking …

Actor Rick Schroder, who fell off the face of the earth after playing little Ricky on “Silver Spoons” before finally resurfacing as a detective on “NYPD Blue”, is selling his ranch in Colorado for $29 million, proving once again that everyone in Hollywood eventually gets a one-way ticket straight to hell …

Quinnipiac University lost a pair of college baseball regional playoff games by a combined score of 55-10 this past weekend, the worst beating in intercollegiate athletics since former Iowa State head basketball coach Larry Eustachy couldn’t make a shot playing beer pong on his last visit to the SAE house in Lawrence …

If I spent as much time on my career and looking for more assignments as I currently do on my fantasy baseball team and looking for vintage Iron Maiden t-shirts on eBay, I could probably buy Rick Shroder’s $29 million ranch in Colorado by now …

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John Crist is a longtime contributor to the CSR, and the Editor-in-Chief of Bear Report Magazine. Check it out and become a Bears Insider. You can contact him at johncrist@yahoo.com.

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