Hart Surgery: Insomnia

By: Micah Hart

My roommate Will and I are competitive in everything we do. From golf to scrabble, from bowling to poker, you name it we are out to take each other down. I mention this because recently we have been trying to one-up one another in Text Twist, a game easily found on the internet that requires you to scramble six letters and try to make as many other words as you can, while having to solve the six-letter word to move on to the next level.Earlier this week Will destroyed my previous high score of 170,000, texting me at 8:00 am to tell me he had gotten 207,000. I vowed his score would not last the week.

Last night I sat down to get some work done around 8:00, but decided to play one game before I got down to business. Six hours later, with my eyes blurry and body aching, I finally shut down the computer with a new high score of 519,000.

I don’t know how I feel about this. On the one hand, attaining a score like that, as far as I can tell, is like hitting 215 home runs in a season. On the other hand, I have never wanted to quit something so badly in my life (not even seventh grade band class).

I always wondered why Takeru Kobayashi eats so many hot dogs when he competes in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest - his next best challenger often finishes 15-20 hot dogs behind him. But after last night, I finally understand - you have to see your task through to the bitter end, regardless of the competition.

And so I did, which had the decidedly unsatisfactory side-effect of keeping me up till near dawn.

But on the bright side, it did provide a good intro into another round of insomnia…

…Every now and then, as a sports columnist, I feel it is my place to go places others dare not travel. Some may not be able to stand the heat, but this particular scribe is unafraid of the repercussions. Therefore, I am taking a stand today.

Barry Bonds is an a@#hole. There, I said it. Consequences be damned…

…Ok, in all seriousness, let me just say this - I am glad Bonds has been exposed, but admit it - aren’t you just a little impressed with the variety of drugs this dude took? In addition to the garden-variety steroids (human growth hormone, andro, etc), Bonds also ingested a drug used to combat female infertility (could it be he looks bigger now because he is pregnant?), a stimulant that fights narcolepsy (otherwise known as the funniest affliction on the planet), and a drug used to improve the musculature of cattle (I told you those bodybuilding cows were on something!).

Really, A cow steroid? Now that takes balls (or it least it did until his shriveled to the size of tic tacs)…

…I watched the Oscars, and my only comment is this. Brokeback Mountain had a hard time getting into movie theaters around the country because of its content. Yet I guarantee you if you took the same storyline and made it about cowgirls instead, it’d have grossed $500 million…

…Leftover Olympic thought: am I the only one who isn’t upset with Bode Miller? I won’t say I’m not disappointed he didn’t bring home a medal, but what exactly did he do to make everyone so irate? I must have missed the race where he denied the Holocaust and sold American ports to Dubai on his way down the course.

Miller finished in sixth in the giant slalom, fifth in the downhill, and was dominating the combine, well on his way to gold, when he clipped a gate that caused him to be disqualified. He didn’t finish either of the other two events, but that happens to all skiers - in fact it happened to nine of the 29 who participated in the slalom. Bode was certainly capable of more, but it’s not like he finished dead last every time down.

This is a man whose whole lifestyle appears to be predicated on going out and doing the things that make him happy, regardless of what others think. We all knew that going in, so what is the problem?

The only people who have a legitimate beef with him are his sponsors, who may not like the negative press (fair or otherwise) for the money they give him, and perhaps the guy who was next in line on the ski team who might have appreciated being an Olympian just a tad bit more. Though from what it sounds like, I’d say Bode enjoyed his time as an Olympian immensely…

…My friend Josh sent me an article about a new system being worked on in Vegas that allows you to bet on individual plays while you are watching a game. Wow. I can’t think of a better idea. How many times have I complained about how long it takes for me to lose all my money gambling? Now I can lose that same amount in just a matter of minutes! I can blow my children’s college fund by halftime! Vegas, a tip of the cap to you…

…In case you haven’t noticed (and judging by the attendance you haven’t), the World Baseball Classic is currently taking place. A terrific idea in theory (and, to toot my own horn, a concept I advocated years ago in a column I submitted to the Boston Metro), baseball has, in typical fashion, managed to screw it up.

By hosting the event during spring training, they have ensured that not only are the players involved out of game shape (especially the pitchers) but also predominantly concerned with not getting hurt (and rightfully so). Predictably, several of the game’s top players backed out, particularly on the American squad.

If this event is to succeed, it will need the American baseball fan to care. And the only way to make that happen is to have the best and brightest available to play and able to give it their all. That will never happen as long as it takes place at the start of the season, and it is waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much to hope they will pull a hockey and have it during the regular season.

Therefore, any future edition of this event needs to take place in November, when the players are closer to form and there is enough time to recover from most injuries that might be sustained…

…I will comment on this situation more when the draft rolls around, but as far as Vince Young goes, whichever team drafts him has got to be loving the negative press surrounding him these days. Athletes thrive on adversity. And though one might think putting on the greatest individual performance in college football history (and on it’s grandest stage) might gain a little leeway, one would be wrong.

All the shots about VY’s credentials are only going to make him work harder when he comes into the league, and that has to be making some GM very happy…

…And the last thing I thought about before finally falling asleep. People always wanted to set me up with a girl who loves sports as much as I do. How did that turn out, you wonder? Well, a few weeks ago my girlfriend and I were playing trivial pursuit, and the question posed to her was “What position on the baseball field was paid tribute in a popular song by John Fogerty?”

To which she responded, “Home base?”

Ahh, slumber awaits.

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Micah Hart is an original contributor to the CSR, and works in sports media in Atlanta. Micah can be reached at micahbhart@yahoo.com. He reminds you to Hook 'em Horns.

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