NFL Draft Diary: Reloaded

By: John M. Crist

There are so many events in the world of sports that are over-hyped to death. Very few of them so much as scratch the surface of their expectations. One of the few that delivers year in and year out, however, is the NFL Draft.I still can’t quite put a finger on why the annual selection meeting has become almost as popular an event as the Super Bowl itself. For the true pigskin freaks out there, this is the weekend that truly dictates which teams have gotten considerably better and which teams have gotten remarkably worse. Perhaps most importantly, the finest tailors in New York City push the envelope as to how many buttons can be put on a single suit jacket. I smell double digits.

I’m altering my system just a little bit for this year’s draft. Mainly, I plan on being sober throughout this time. Not that I turned over a new leaf or anything, but I did host a party at my place last night and am in full recovery mode right now. I feel like Jake Ryan in “Sixteen Candles” looking around his parents’ house right before he finds Farmer Ted trapped inside that glass coffee table.

So without further ado, please join me for my annual 10-hour, glued-to-the-television, never-to-see-the-light-of-day rundown of the first day of the NFL Draft. On to the picks:

When I mentioned over-hyped before, this year’s draft just might get its own Webster’s Dictionary definition of over-hypeness based on what I just saw during the introduction. Several of the top players available (Vince Young, Mario Williams, Matt Leinart, Michael Huff, and Reggie Bush) are introduced one-by-one and take turns strutting their stuff on a catwalk like a Victoria’s Secret fashion show in Milan. Yeah, on the catwalk. On the catwalk, yeah. They do their little turn on the catwalk. Leinart is dressed up like Neo from “The Matrix”, and although he’s stiff as a board, he can already act circles around Keanu Reeves …

Radio City Music Hall is the site of the draft, a first for the world famous venue and quite a step up from last year’s Javits Center. The over/under on Chris Berman’s Rockette references has been set at 9½ …

On to the actual business of the draft. In a stunning development on Friday night, N.C. State defensive end Mario Williams agreed to terms on a $54 million contract with the Houston Texans and will be the #1 overall selection very shortly. USC running back extraordinaire Reggie Bush is far and away the best player in the draft and perhaps a once-in-a-lifetime talent, but the Texans were dead last in defense last season and apparently wanted to start building on that side of the ball. By the way, Houston was also 30th in the league on offense in `05, and I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that the second coming of Gale Sayers may have helped David Carr & Company just a little bit. Cue the Sam Bowie footage …

The saga of Reggie Bush and his handlers is getting worse by the day. His parents had apparently been living in a house worth approximately three-quarters of a million dollars that belongs to a wannabe sports marketing guru named Michael Michaels. They never paid a dime in rent, and once the press started to dig into the story, the Bushes immediately moved out. I don’t believe this mess had any effect on the Texans selecting Williams over Bush (I attribute that on good ole fashioned stupidity), but his school could be facing some serious sanctions very soon. And anyone who thinks Pete Carroll had no knowledge of this either has a USC diploma on the wall or still believes in the Tooth Fairy …

In a somewhat sentimental moment, Berman reminds the viewers that this will be Paul Tagliabue’s last year announcing the 1st round picks. The Commish will be retiring soon, and even though he had a gargantuan legacy to live up to following Pete Rozelle, Tags will fly his golden parachute having left the league in much better shape than when he inherited it. Let’s be honest here, the NFL is about as powerful as the Catholic Church right now …

Williams is officially #1 as he takes the stage. The last defensive end to be drafted with the top pick? Courtney Brown of Penn State by the Cleveland Browns. How’d that work out? 47 games played in five seasons, 33 games missed, only 17 sacks, a whopping $45 million contract, and eventually cut by the team. Yipes. The New York crowd is already chanting “O-ver ra-ted!” as Williams poses for pictures …

New Orleans must feel like this is Christmas in April, as last year’s hopelessly nomadic franchise gets quite a gift on draft day. The Texans’ loss is the Saints’ gain as they select Bush with the #2 pick. Yes, they already have Deuce McAllister signed to a $50 million contract and need a lot of help in the trenches on both sides of the ball, but the former Trojan is too talented to overlook. Hand it to him, throw is to him, have him return punts and kickoffs, whatever. Bush is that rare breed who can take it the distance every time he gets his hands on the ball, and he’ll sell a fair share of tickets at the Superdome, too …

Now is when the draft truly gets interesting because the pick at #3 will dictate the rest of the 1st round. The Tennessee Titans are in the market for a quarterback considering they changed the locks at the practice facility and didn’t give Steve McNair a new key, but who will it be, Matt Leinart of USC or Vince Young of Texas? The coaching staff, mainly offensive coordinator and former USC assistant Norm Chow, want Leinart. GM Floyd Reece and team owner Bud Adams, a Houston guy through and through, want Young. Leinart can probably step in right away and play should McNair leave the organization, but it’s widely accepted that Young will need at least a year’s worth of clipboard work before being asked to contribute …

Young goes to the Titans at #3, and a quick camera shot on Leinart shows him with a little bit of bitter beer face. Jeff Fisher may coach the team on the field, but Adams writes the checks, and in football, like any business, Mr. Deep Pockets usually gets his way. Mel Kiper Jr. chimes in that Texas ran a “remedial system” on offense and that Young has a “quirky delivery”, so Titans fans had better be just as patient with him as they were with McNair …

Maybe the most entertaining moment of every draft occurs when the Jets are on the clock, as they are now. The franchise has made some, well, curious selections in the 1st round, and one of these years, some bus driver is going to hurl himself off the balcony to his ultimate demise should his beloved team select another tight end in the top 10. The Jets probably made a strong push to trade up and steal Bush at #2, but since that didn’t happen, many of the New York faithful are hoping for Leinart. Chad Pennington is coming off yet another surgical procedure on his throwing shoulder, and the slick lefty has a lot of Broadway Joe in him. Nevertheless, the Jets take offensive tackle D’Brickashaw Ferguson from Virginia …

I’m expecting the worst, I really am. Fans rushing the stage. Rotten tomatoes being chucked from the back row. Maybe locusts. But believe it or not, Jets fans are very happy with the pick. It’s hard to get excited about a lineman this early in the draft, but no question about it, Ferguson fills a need and could anchor the left side of the line for the next decade. One of the reasons Pennington has been beaten around like a pi’ata is because his front wall turned into a swinging gate …

Leinart looks beleaguered. He was probably the #1 pick if he came out a year ago as a junior. Were all those nights chasing skirts with Nick Lachey really worth it? …

If D’Brickashaw Ferguson had a twin brother, what would his mother have named him? My money is on D’Mortarshaw. Or Frank, one or the other …

With the Green Bay Packers on the clock, ESPN takes yet another opportunity to shamelessly sing the praises of Brett Favre. Even though he threw 29 interceptions last seasons, many of the head-scratching variety. Even tough he held the team hostage and took approximately four months to decide if he wanted to play again. Even though Javon Walker, far and away his best receiver, wants nothing to do with him. Favre may need some help on the offensive line and a few more weapons in the passing game, but the Packers take the “safest pick in the draft” according to Berman and go with Ohio State linebacker A.J. Hawk …

The 49ers waste little time selecting this year’s freakishly talented athlete who wowed everyone at the combine in Indianapolis, Maryland tight end Vernon Davis. Crazy big, mammoth strong, blazing fast, and as of this moment, crying his eyes out. Come on, Vernon. As former 49er Tim Harris once barked to a referee during a game, “This ain’t a tennis match.” For the love of Ronnie Lott, get a hold of yourself. I myself am embarrassed just watching him …

If Leinart doesn’t go to the Oakland Raiders at #7, he might want to get last year’s freefall victim, Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, on the phone. Despite all the Kenny Stabler comparisons and Al Davis’s reputation for making as big a splash as possible on draft day, the leisure-suited one actually plays it smart and selects Texas defensive back Michael Huff. The Raiders need big-time help in the secondary, and considering they’ve now taken five DBs in the 1st round since 2001, that’s quite the dubious commentary on guys like Derrick Gibson and Phillip Buchanon …

We’ve had a few surprises so far, but the first flat out shocker happens at #8 with the Buffalo Bills. Octogenarian Marv Levy is back at the controls after almost a decade away from football, and it shows as he takes Ohio State safety Donte Whitner. Now Whitner was certainly rising up everyone’s draft boards, but it appears that the Bills freaked out when Huff went one pick earlier. Whitner may have been who they wanted, but they could have moved down half a dozen spots, picked up an extra choice along the way, and still gotten their guy. The draft is all about value, and Levy overpaid right out of the gate …

Matt Millen and the Lions resist the urge to take a wide receiver in the 1st round for a fourth consecutive year, opting for hard-hitting linebacker Ernie Sims out of Florida State. As an FSU alumnus, I have been following this kid’s career since he was in high school at North Florida Christian in Tallahassee, and I can’t remember a player who more viciously brings the lumber. That being said, Sims has a history of concussions and other nagging injuries, and his hellbent style could be the root cause …

Leinart’s wait is over as Dennis Green and the Cardinals take the southpaw at #10 overall. I’m sure he had a blast living like a celebrity in Los Angeles this past year, but when you look at the numbers, staying in school probably cost him about $12 million in guaranteed money. I’m sure having a legitimate shot to nail every coed on campus is worth something, but it’s not worth $12 million. $2 million tops. At least he’ll be throwing to the likes of Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald, not exactly a bad consolation prize …

Here’s a sound bite no one in the NFL ever thought they would hear: “I’m so excited to be an Arizona Cardinal,” Leinart says. That’s right up there with “I used to love playing on that crooked, pothole-infested, hard-as-a-rock artificial turf at The Vet,” and “I think it’s time NBC brings back O.J. Simpson as a sideline reporter.” …

We finally have a trade in the 1st round, as Denver swaps with St. Louis in order to nab Vanderbilt quarterback Jay Cutler at #11. It’s hard to believe that Jake Plummer will be 32 years old by the end of next season, but it’s not hard to believe Mike Shanahan is looking for someone not named John Elway to actually win a playoff game for him. Jake the Snake was fantastic all season long before re-emerging as Jake the Mistake at home against the Steelers in January …

Suzy Kolber just conducted an interview via satellite with Cutler that registered a whopping 7.2 on the Awkward Scale …

ESPN shows footage of an interview with Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis as Baltimore is on the clock. I’m not really sure what he said, but whatever it was, I came to one conclusion. That guy is certifiably insane. You think his kids ever act up? Not a chance. …

Pittsburgh drafted an incredible 19 of 22 starters off last year’s Super Bowl squad, further proof that their front office knows what it’s doing. After losing Plaxico Burress and Antwan Randle El to free agency in consecutive offseasons (and not overpaying to keep them in house, by the way), they trade up with the Giants to select Ohio State wide receiver Santonio Holmes at #25. Hines Ward is the ultimate possession receiver and one of the toughest guys in the league, but he’s not a burner on the outside. Holmes fills a need, and as usual in the Steel City, they were very business-like in their approach …

Super talented running back DeAngelo Williams of Memphis goes #27 to the Carolina Panthers, a somewhat unusual pick considering they have always been known as a power rushing team. Not to say that they don’t have a need in the backfield because they certainly do. Incumbent DeShaun Foster has never played a full 16-game schedule without succumbing to injury, and Stephen Davis was operating with a fork stuck in his back for the second half of `05. This offense was pretty good last year despite no receiver to complement Steve Smith and no consistency in the running game, so Williams paired with free agent signee Keyshawn Johnson will bring a smile to Jake Delhomme’s face …

The Giants finish the 1st round with a peculiar pick, defensive end Mathias Kiwanuka of Boston College at #32. Once considered to be a top-10 talent, a so-so performance at the combine hurt his stock tremendously come draft day. And when you consider the G-Men already have the best pass-rushing tandem in the league in Michael Strahan and Osi Umenyiora (combining for an NFL-best 26 sacks in `05), another target for young Eli Manning would have made more sense …

As for my Chicago Bears, even though they had the best defense in the league last season, GM Jerry Angelo chose defensive players with each of his first five picks. How about another receiving threat for Rex Grossman? Unless we’re counting 6th round fullback J.D. Runnels out of Oklahoma, nope, nary a one. I think Tom Waddle might be invited to training camp, you watch. I never thought I would long for the days of Ken Margerum, but it could happen …

I may be sitting here on my couch in a purple SAE pledge jersey from the Fall of `93 staring at a half-empty pizza box, but I’d like to give this NFL GM thing a chance. I know I could do it. How hard could it be? Stay away from Florida wide receivers and Penn State tailbacks, avoid a quarterback in the 1st round because if you’re wrong, you ultimately get fired, and when in doubt, take the player who might actually inspire a fan to buy his replica jersey. Those are the three commandments of every football draft, plain and simple …

But as Monday Night Football alum Dennis Miller might say, “Of course, that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.”

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John Crist is a longtime contributor to the CSR, and the Editor-in-Chief of Bear Report Magazine. Check it out and become a Bears Insider. You can contact him at johncrist@yahoo.com.

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