Celtics Fan, You Should Have Married Your Childhood Sweetheart

By: Den Cotton

I know you want it to be like the first time you locked sweaty hands in 7th grade with Suzie B. Kute, but I’m going to put it to you as bluntly as I can: 2008 Lakers vs. Celtics ain’t 1987; not 1985; not even close.

Celtics fan, I know you’re still jazzed-up from the “Beat LA” victory in game one, so I expect what I’m saying will Pierce your ears pretty sharply. But I’ll be fair and break your hearts in Boston and LA. No matter how good this series turns out to be, you can’t turn back time. ESPN wants you to dress up for this 80s retro dance party, and you are eating it up like cheap popcorn — as stale as it is — after being pulled from the locker room of nostalgia.

There are many reasons why this series has been overhyped, oversold by analysts and fans, mainly those blinded by their aroused mental state, reveling in the “Celtics vs. Lakers” marquee; because it sounds sexy and you want to have Faith like George Michael did in 1987. But unfortunately, you’re Living on a Prayer like Bon Jovi. So maybe it’s not your fault, just faulty emotions since you are still getting high from all the ear candy floating around at the ESPN concession stand.

I’m here to take you down memory lane and break down the insignificance of this series, not only the Celtics-Lakers history, but also its place in NBA history.

First of all, from 1980-1989, either the Lakers or Celtics appeared in the NBA Final — 10 straight appearances by one of those teams. The Lakers played in eight NBA Finals and won five titles, while the Celtics celebrated an also impressive five appearances during that same span, capturing three titles. “Showtime” faced off against Boston three times, with LA taking two of those matchups. Boston or LA won the title 8 out of 10 years in the 80s. That is relevant history. There is no history in the new millennium or in 2008 for the Lakers-Celtics showdown. This is Skinemax, not Showtime.

Just for good measure, in taking my thesis to the hole, there is no Bad Boys playoff team from Detroit standing in the way of the Celtics either. Sorry, Chauncey Billups’ Motown record remake just couldn’t run in the same engine as the 1980s Pistons.

The only thing this series has to offer from a historical perspective is Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson: 12 titles between them. Jackson could win number 10, and Kobe, his fourth; that would be the only significance of this series. No one else from these two teams will have a Hall of Fame locker the size of Bird, Magic, Worthy, and Kareem, some of the all-time greats (all MVPs in the NBA Finals by the way). That’s why this series is not what it appears, and you are begging for it to be something more than it is — a very watered-down version of a rivalry that once was.

I don’t want you to listen to Bird-Magic split-screen commercials suggesting that rivalries never die, because this rivalry has been dead. And it’s not going to be alive in a matchup of brevity.

This isn’t even the Kobe-Shaq Lakers. And the Celtics have been irrelevant for so long that I had to break out the flux capacitor just to remember how good they used to be… so… “Don’t be so gullible Mcfly.” I just don’t want any of you to mix the purple and green Kool-Aid this season. Number one, it’s not good for you — loaded with sugar — and it does strange things to your “Number 2″ if you follow me.

Most of you with no allegiance are elated and lost in blinding euphoria since San Antonio is nowhere to be found this season; no reason to be this giddy. It’s just not right in believing this series is Worthy of the same kind of respect as a series 20-plus years ago — because I just want to give it the Bird.

I’ll even risk ruining my point by “going Bill Walton” on you and offer a mind-bending reference to sweeten the pot — figuratively speaking of course. It’s like the first time I saw Bob Dylan in concert. Even if I go see another Zimmy show, I can’t go back; not for the sound; not for the smell; and not for the time it was in history. And the first time I saw Dylan live was in the 90s, not the 60s, so I understand your desire to create something magical, especially all of you young warriors, who were just screaming to get out of your dad’s pants when the Celtics last won a title.

Sure, James Taylor tried to take us back in time with the national anthem in Game One. But ironically, he floated you back to the 70s when the Celtics-Lakers final was also irrelevant, and in fact, non-existent, just like it has been for most of the last 20 years.

The fact is that this “renewed rivalry” has no flavor in comparison; not the gourmet flavor we all really want. In all likelihood, one of these teams — perhaps both — won’t be back next year. I’m going to put my money down on the Celtics to flop next year. Did everyone forget that Atlanta series? I still do have the flux capacitor handy.

So Celtics fan, Lakers fan, please tell me why I should care about this “historical matchup” after watching Game One. Why is this compelling to the cranky old bastard in the room? I need to know how you are selling this to yourself as an historic meeting. I just want to see the light and recognize why 2008 will be anything other than a tiny footnote in your storied histories.

I think you can see why this series isn’t a long-term relationship. She’s still kinda sexy for an old gal, but you just don’t have that much in common anymore. It’s easy to see if you try; if you take away the special effects; if you take away the makeup; if you take away the giddy ESPN reporters and your security blanket.

It’s easy to see — because it’s not Magic…

Tags: Back to the Future, Bill Walton, Bob Dylan, Bon Jovi, Boston Celtics, Detroit Pistons, ESPN, Flux Capacitor, George Michael, James Taylor, James Worthy, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Kobe Bryant, LA Lakers, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, NBA Finals, Phil Jackson

Den is some kind of freelance writer hailing from parts unknown and uncharted waters. His style is mostly free -- devoid of any meaningful sports knowledge -- while still struggling to find Lance. It is rumored that Den graduated from the University of Southern Indiana in the mid 90s. No diploma can be found, but he continues to receive countless alumni solicitations for cash -- so we assume that he got a degree of some variety. He is a former play-by-play announcer for several backyard basketball games. And currently, he is on the permanently- disabled list for the Stumptown All Stars of the Asheville Buncombe Adult Soccer Association over-30 B League. Don't forget to read his blog - Limabeancounter.

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3 Comments

1. i am gonna show this to my friend, man

   Comment by itentininy on September 22, 2008

2. thats it, brother

   Comment by duexinhen on September 28, 2008

3. elwk uhstdr gqednbwy srgumtpw kdjiw qfoasu jyrkcpuq

   Comment by sfqgka pyvkz on November 6, 2008

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