Country Joe And The (Devilish) Rays

By: Den Cotton

The way I see it, the White House seems to be in charge of baseball and war these days, at least according to my dedicated research. And since these things go hand in hand politically this year, I am making a plea to end the beanball, not only at home, but also on the road — in places like Boston, Tampa Bay, Iraq, and wherever there happens to be another hotrod showboating around the military bases.

I realize these things — beanballs and imperialism — are all part of the American way, but some traditions are just really, really bad and need to end. Using implements of destruction — specifically a baseball at 85 MPH, or a missile — to send some kind of message to your opponent is ridiculously dangerous for the game of baseball and the country.

You apparently can’t take the Devil out of the Rays even if you remove the name from the jersey… I want to know what was accomplished between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Boston Red Sox after Coco Crisp got plunked in retaliation for a “hard slide” into second baseman Akinori Iwamura. Now, I’m not saying the slide wasn’t a tad late — and perhaps a little dirty — but it was coming from a guy with a name that sounds like children’s breakfast cereal. So, I guess I can understand why everyone wants to act like kids in this cartoon affair.

During ESPN’s broadcast of the game, Rick Sutcliffe — expressing the proper way of responding to adversity in adult-like fashion — wasn’t even liquored up yet when he suggested that Coco Crisp was deserving of taking a pitch in the back the next night. Sure enough, the Rays obliged with a missile from James Shields — which apparently missed the target based on Sutcliffe’s subtle prediction… the pitch caught hit him in the hip! That spells W-A-R!

Eight players were suspended totaling 38 games. The Rays and Bosox already have a military history of bad blood — so what happens the next time they face each other in battle? There’s always a slight chance someone might accidentally take a pitch in the noggin, perhaps knocking them unconscious or killing them … like say … a bomb might do? Instead of exercising the power of the beanball, I think MLB should offer something more equitable after the game to resolve differences in times of preadolescent turmoil — like a nice friendly showdown of Cowboys and Indians.

Maybe I’m being hard on the kids, because sometimes, they can teach us a thing or two. I learned recently that Rays manager Joe Maddon reached out to America’s youth by hiring a very savvy 7-year-old press secretary.

“They started it, but we had more guys thrown out,” he said. “The perpetrator’s crime is way too close to us.”

Nice vocabulary for a little tyke; already using words like perpetrator instead of meanie. Maddon didn’t reveal the name of his new P.R. boy, but I bet this is the work of little Donnie Rumsfeld IV. If you have kids (which I don’t) that are fighting with each other, I’m not sure which is the best way to make them behave: A) Hit them in the back with a fastball or B) Blow up their room. I’ll admit both are very attractive for temporary resolution, but the longterm results are still being investigated by Henry Waxman.

I haven’t been able to find the code of conduct yet that states you must protect your ego while on the baseball diamond — probably written somewhere in the baseball handbook next to “Don’t Bet On Baseball,” and the small footnote referencing rule 1A, which states “My dad can beat up your dad.” And that makes me think our government hasn’t been setting a good example all these years — despite its attempt to cleanse the national pastime of steroids and vegans.

So, Mr. President, I know your gig is almost up and it will be time for you to find a low-level coaching assignment down in the minors soon. But the good news is that you might still have a future in Major League Baseball if you work your way up. I know it wouldn’t be the same as attacking large countries, but at least this way you could enjoy hitting someone that actually provoked you first—–while watching from your luxury box afar.

“And it’s one, two, three,
What are we fighting for?
Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn,
Next stop is Vietnam.”

– Country Joe & The Fish

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Den is some kind of freelance writer hailing from parts unknown and uncharted waters. His style is mostly free -- devoid of any meaningful sports knowledge -- while still struggling to find Lance. It is rumored that Den graduated from the University of Southern Indiana in the mid 90s. No diploma can be found, but he continues to receive countless alumni solicitations for cash -- so we assume that he got a degree of some variety. He is a former play-by-play announcer for several backyard basketball games. And currently, he is on the permanently- disabled list for the Stumptown All Stars of the Asheville Buncombe Adult Soccer Association over-30 B League. Don't forget to read his blog - Limabeancounter.

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