Latest Win for Tiger a Super Knee-jerker

By: Den Cotton

Once again, it is quite obvious that sportswriters and golf fans across the world haven’t seen enough superhero movies or underdog epics. How do I know this? Well, because everyone was so quick to begin oooooing and ahhhhhhing over Tiger Woods winning the U.S. Open while hobbling around on a bum knee. I guess I should be in awe like everyone else, but I’ve seen better superhero movies — and I think everyone jumped the gun on calling this “one for the ages.”

If Tiger squared off against himself, that might be impressive to me — the stuff good films are made of these days. But he was facing Rocco, not Rocky. Now if Tiger went into sudden death against Bizarro (evil) Tiger, that would be pretty compelling against-all-odds type of cinema. “Was Tiger able to defeat his evil twin while teeing up with a busted knee? SportsCenter is next…”

Perhaps Retief Goosen could be scripted into the movie as Mr. Freeze, and he could amputate Tiger’s leg or do something equally heinous — like play evil mind games. “Nobody really knows if he was just showing off or if he was really injured. I believe if he was really injured, he would not have played.”

Now, don’t lump me in with Retief because I’m not trying to throw kryptonite on Tiger after his victory, but I knew he was going to win — so why would I feel a sense of amazement when he did what he always does in the clutch? If John Daly was limping around out there with a six pack and a torn ACL, eventually gutting out (figuratively speaking) a victory over some guy I’ve never heard of, then I’m might jump out of my seat.

Never for a second did I doubt whether or not Tiger would beat some guy named Rocco Mediate. It’s not even a good villain name nor a great underdog title. Would you pay eight bucks to see The Mediator? They could have at least changed his name to Roy McAvoy in the script and maybe I might have — just for a short second — believed that Tiger might falter.

So now I have to listen to Rick Reilly and the sports world compare Tiger to Kirk Gibson. Are you serious? Tiger and Kirk Gibson in the same breath???? That’s like comparing lasagna to macaroni and cheese. Who was up against bigger odds here?

Reilly needs to compare Tiger to me. I’m macaroni and cheese at a gourmet feast. Try playing B-league soccer with a sports hernia pal; that’s a busted groin. It’s the equivalent of swinging with a broken club. But you don’t see any ESPN trucks in town when I play my miraculous game on one leg. Hell, I knocked home a penalty kick once while playing with broken ribs. Let’s see Tiger swing a golf club when, if he so much as breathes the wrong way, he starts to whimper in pain.

Yeah Tiger, try playing with an inferior body against competition which is clearly better than you, all the while knowing your chances of winning are slim to none; well none, if the truth be known. That’s what you call staring in the face of adversity — a quality motion picture about the underdog.

Look, if I had a body and talent like Beckham, everyone would be writing all kinds of stories about me taking the pitch with a fractured ankle while overcoming all odds in carrying the Stumptown All-Stars to the finals of the Asheville Buncombe Adult Soccer Association over-30 Cup. But no, all I get is some stupid ‘Ole Snappy Award from my teammates for accumulating the most injuries in a season.

So I guess that was a stretch, awkwardly comparing myself to perhaps the greatest golfer in the history of the game. But Tiger and I do share something in common… we both join a long list of professional and recreational athletes who were clearly dumb enough to play superhero with career-threatening injuries — which were not our finest moments.

“Well, you tell me which moments are my moments and I’ll try to duplicate them.”

–Roy “Tin Cup” McAvoy

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Den is some kind of freelance writer hailing from parts unknown and uncharted waters. His style is mostly free -- devoid of any meaningful sports knowledge -- while still struggling to find Lance. It is rumored that Den graduated from the University of Southern Indiana in the mid 90s. No diploma can be found, but he continues to receive countless alumni solicitations for cash -- so we assume that he got a degree of some variety. He is a former play-by-play announcer for several backyard basketball games. And currently, he is on the permanently- disabled list for the Stumptown All Stars of the Asheville Buncombe Adult Soccer Association over-30 B League. Don't forget to read his blog - Limabeancounter.

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