The Brain Leak
The Brain Leak
(Week of 6/16/08 - 6/22/08)
Another week, another seven days worth of sports-related drivel. With not much more than the yearly push towards the Mid-Summer Classic to bide my time, you’ll notice I have instituted some fresh (some might say seedy) perspectives to the already multi-faceted Leak. In addition to serving up heaping servings of the usual BS, TBL will now feature snippets of celebrity news and testosterone-fueled subject matter and commentary that will require you to either visit us during the off-hours or aggressively utilize that “erase history” button on your web browser.
Heads start to roll in NYC
Citizens of New York City and the outlying Tri-State area, where hast thou baseball scapegoat gone?
The New York Mets organization, with its executioner and GM, Omar Minaya, manning the reins of the guillotine, fired manager Willie Randolph and two members of his staff early Tuesday morning in the most peculiar and heartless fashion.
Under direct orders from his higher power, or perhaps the echoes in his head, Minaya ended weeks worth of rumors and nervous speculation once and for all with one fell swoop of his double-edged sword when he broke the news to Randolph, pitching coach Rick Peterson and first-base coach Tom Nieto just before midnight local time in his room of an Anaheim hotel, hours after the Mets had beaten the Angels for their third win in four games. The announcement was released to the media at 12:12 PT.
Minaya later told reporters he chose to wait until the team had returned from the hotel after the game because he is adamantly opposed to firing a manager who is still in uniform.
Naturally, the timing of the head-chopping–instead of extinguishing a hotly contested debate– only added kerosene to a raging inferno that was ignited a considerable time ago. Back east, as a majority of the media cesspool in NYC had to be woken in the wee hours of the morning to receive the news, immediate questions arose as to why Minaya chose the most unexpected of times to drop the bomb that most saw coming.
“It was done quick, because I promised Willie that once I came to a decision, I was going to let him know right away,” Minaya told The New York Times.
Mission accomplished, Omar, with not a second spared. Kind of like taking off a band-aid–quick and painful?
Many think Tuesday’s developments, no matter how sudden, were long overdue. Last September’s epic collapse left the front office and fans wondering whether Randolph, once heralded upon being hired as the first-ever black manager in New York’s revered baseball history in 2004, was still the right man to lead a team that has become overrun with big names and even bigger egos, both of which are perpetuated by the Mets’ soaring $138 million payroll.
However, renewed optimism replaced any lingering effects of the 2007 free-fall when Minaya and the front office won the bidding war for Johan Santana in the off-season. At the time, it seemed to be a move that conceivably put New York in prime position to contend for not only the division crown but their first World Series title in 2008. And it still may. But inconsistent play, frequent mental errors and a gleaming lack of team leadership has created a thick cloud of dissension that steadily turned up the heat on Randolph as it settled over the clubhouse and forced New York’s front office to finally play its hand.
And now, as the Jerry Manuel era begins, the Mets find themselves staring straight up at the charging Phillies in the National League East and are faced with the task of digging their way out of an enormous first-half hole.
Now that unofficial has finally become official, it’s time to ponder a few questions regarding the inner twine of Randolph’s midnight dismissal:
Were the Mets trying to cut out-of-control costs by trimming the fat from the coaching staff during the team’s trip to the West Coast?
Answer: Yes. Executives realized they may have been victimized by the hype surrounding Johan’s ‘has-been’ changeup. But, hey, you can’t fire your biggest investment.
Why, then, even bother flying Randolph and the other two out to California in the first place?
Answer: Minaya tends to horde all the frequent-flyer miles for himself. Plus, he loves the fact he can use the rewards points to purchase more of those snazzy, white button-up oxfords that make him look smart.
What was Randolph’s immediate reaction to his termination?
Answer: Reports indicate Randolph, a real sucker for a good flick, may have made a mad dash up the stairs in sub 4.4 40 time with card key in hand to his room, where he devoured a less than innocent number of pillow mints and punished himself to the tune of over ten adult films, all at no expense to him.
And perhaps the most trying question:
What kind of heartless, contriving bastard(s) fires the innocent bystander of a first-base coach?
Answer: Only the head, or heads, of an organization so easily influenced by the media of the city in which it resides. What did poor Tom Nieto do to deserve the ax? If you fire Nieto, you better as hell give walking papers to the bullpen coach, equipment manager and traveling secretary.
No one’s safe, I say.
Nieto must have been a real ‘cancer’ in that clubhouse, with his constant stopwatch-ing and baserunning advice, and all. I’d be willing to bet he is to blame for all the Mets’ blunders on the bases this season. You got one job, Nieto, for God’s sake, do it right.
A bite of the tongue
It’s no secret (at least to those residing in either city) that St. Louis and Boston fans have been at odds in recent years, with those from Missouri having to deal with the pain of drawing the short straw on more than one occasion.
First, it was the Patriots’ unlikely victory coupled with Tom Brady’s coming-out party against the heavily favored Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI in 2002. Then came the death of the 86 year-old Curse in 2004, when history and/or fate seemed to will the Red Sox to a dominating four-game sweep of the Cardinals in the World Series. As if watching the enemy celebrating on your home turf wasn’t enough to breed exasperation, Cards fans could do nothing else but stand idly by that October night while Hollywood laid claim to Busch Stadium for the making of a movie cleverly entitled “Fever Pitch.” The climax of the film Midwestern critics loved to hate required Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore to disgustingly prance around the concourses, make a mockery of Boston’s championship and, most loathingly, reduce the Cardinals organization to nothing more than a horse’s ass in front of an international audience.
But I am not bitter.
The feelings of nausea and pure hatred have since worn off. I am no longer mad at the fact that the suspicions brought forth in the Spygate scandal have been validated, therefore certifiably costing my city its second NFL title and a real shot at a dynasty.
I used to really hate Boston sports fans; now I just hate them. I despise their complacency, the same cockiness that, simply put, should not be apparent (or even present, for that matter) after your baseball team recently won its first World Series title since the end of World War I and your football team’s entire period of excellence may have been achieved unfairly.
But this segment is about neither baseball nor football. Rather, it is primarily about the Boston Celtics and the franchise’s 17th NBA title.
Unlike my “buddy” and St. Louis Post-Dispatch columnist, Bernie Miklasz, who recently wrote a hate-filled ode to the City of Boston on Thursday, I will not waste my time by conjuring a list of reasons why I resent the Celtics Finals-clinching victory Tuesday evening, nor do I need to inflate the craniums of Massachusetts residents. Doing so would only ask for a boring regurgitation of everything I have written up to this point, and I definitely don’t have time to do that. I am under deadline here.
I have no reason to be disturbed by the achievements of the new NBA champs. Plus, it’s not as if St. Louis has an NBA team; a team that would be willing to either roll over for the Celtics or lose to them under some sort of new and exciting act of injustice. The St. Louis Hawks haven’t been in town since they left for Atlanta in 1968. With that being said, the Gateway City still anxiously awaits its Bostonian ‘thank you’ card for trading the no. 2 pick in the 1956 draft to Red Auerbach and the Celtics.
The player chosen with that now notorious no. 2 pick was none other than Bill Russell. Enough said.
Make that a little bitter.
I am happy for players like Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen. They have long deserved a spot among NBA loyalty, and now they are feasting at the head table. This is the reason why I am not outraged by this latest transpiration, even if I do happen to go against a St. Louis mode of thinking.
While I did find Mr. Miklasz’s article to be a good and entertaining read, I did happen to find some unmistakable inaccuracies, most notably in his allegations against one Mr. Bill Simmons, who just so happens to be a faithful follower of The Leak. Miklasz, who, by the way, pulls off the name “Bernie” exquisitely and could not look the part any more beautifully, attacks Simmons, calling him a “relentless sports homer” who feels the need to do nothing more than “cluster bomb innocent sports fans with about 27,438 words” when the typical 800 (for an everyday column) would surely suffice.
Bernie, as a fellow overachiever, I am offended. And as a fellow sports homer, you should be ashamed.
Why shouldn’t Simmons be able to gloat a little bit, especially when every one of his teams is doing well while…simultaneously…winning championships? Plus, the guy writes for ESPN. What do you expect? Only a network so steeped in and blinded by geographical bias would agree to hand an Average Joe a hefty paycheck to do nothing more than ramble. You forget that ESPN is owned by Disney which is owned by Red Sox Nation. Okay, enough of that. But you get my point.
Every franchise/city has its day or days in the sun. It just so happens that Boston is the lucky benefactor of a lot of winning right now and, rightfully so, the self-proclaimed king of bragging rights. Furthermore, was the St. Louis media not trying to claim the throne back in the late 90s and into the new millennium, when the Cardinals made numerous League Championship appearances, the Rams were on the verge of a dynasty, and the Blues exceeded all expectations with the franchise’s first President’s Trophy during the 99-00 season? And was it just a huge coincidence that in 2000 The Sporting News, then headquartered in St. Louis, coined the STL as the nation’s Best Sports City?
Listen, you may or may not remember a couple of weeks ago when I wrote that I am a “sworn enemy of anything East Coast,” especially Boston. And that’s true, I am. People on the East Coast would rather acknowledge the Pacific Ocean as the second nearest body of water than open their minds to anything that goes on between New York and Los Angeles. But that doesn’t mean I have to spend my listless nights expending even more energy focusing on how much I despise the city and its teams for doing well. I have come to grips with the fact that Boston is a pretentious place by nature. I no longer struggle with that. And if the Southies wanna drink every Sam Adams variety that Kitty O’Sheas offers from now until the day Paul Pierce accepts his Emmy for that acting performance in Game 1, that’s more than fine with me.
St. Louis has had its time in the spotlight, and it will undoubtedly happen again. And we may just do some patronizing of our own. And that includes Mr. Miklasz.
Tinseltown Torture (because we love to read about people we hate because they make lots of money, and we don’t)
Rocker Tommy Lee’s on-again, off-again sidekick turned lapdog/wife/platonic sack partner, Pamela Anderson, is making a shocking and bewildering return to television, a few short years after her first attempt at her own show–Fox’s Stacked–was abruptly canceled.
As much a chance to rake in a few post-Baywatch syndication dollars as it is for the former Playmate and mother of two to give us all a glimpse into her ‘normal’ life, Anderson reportedly inked a deal with none other than E! (for exploitation) Entertainment Television earlier this year on a new documentary-style project–conveniently entitled Pam: Girl on the Loose–that promises to give the viewers an inside look at the actress’ busy daily schedule. E! asks us all to come along for the ride as the makeshift adult film star balances her daily grocery runs and school pick-ups with the occasional photo shoot that could be arguably rated with a singular ‘X.’
You can catch all the June Cleaver action beginning Aug. 3 at 10/9 CT only on E!.
Meanwhile, across the pond, a bit of gripping, if not so alarming, news was breaking overseas in the UK Sunday. Mitch Winehouse, father of embattled pop singer Amy Winehouse, tells Britain’s Sunday Mirror that his daughter, who has been fighting a well-documented crack addiction, has been diagnosed with the life-threatening lung disease emphysema.
If Winehouse refuses to heed the warnings of doctors, the former Grammy-winning performer most likely will be confined to a wheelchair due to a loss of lung capacity that has already exceeded 30%. Recent tests revealed a lump in Winehouse’s chest, but it was determined to be non-cancerous. Still, the concerned father worries that his lone daughter will eventually surrender to her steadily worsening condition.
“To think this could be my beautiful 24 year-old daughter’s life is preposterous. But if drugs mean more to her than breathing properly, then so be it,” the distressed father told the paper. “But the doctors have told her if she goes back to smoking drugs it won’t just ruin her voice, it will kill her. It’s been a tough week.”
Mitch’s mother, Cynthia Winehouse, suffered from similar respiration problems before she died in 2006.
The effects of emphysema age the lungs prematurely and can contribute to a complete collapse of the lungs as well as specific heart and brain problems. The damage caused by emphysema is irreversible.
On a much lighter but somehow equally disturbing note, the reputable, everything Hollywood news agency TMZ reports on its website that a violent melee broke out on a Malibu beach Sunday afternoon, when a group of peeping paparazzi trying to get a shot of resident hippy boy and shirtless wonder Matthew McConaughey in the Pacific Ocean was savagely attacked by an angry mob of subservient wave-catchers.
One money-hungry photog reportedly suffered a broken nose, while another was bull-rushed into some jagged rocks.
Give me a sec while I try to sort this one out…Okay, why oh why are a bunch of total and complete strangers–who will likely never, ever experience the reduction of brain cells it seemingly takes to bring one’s self down to McConaughey’s level upon meeting him–fighting over the privacy rights of an actor who hasn’t made a film worthy of a theatrical release in over ten years?
Voices in My Head
“If Senator McCain is not successful, it will be because his message and his vision did not resonate with a plurality of the voters.”
–Newly announced Libertarian Party presidential nominee Bob Barr during a recent interview with the Associated Press, stating the obvious while insinuating the U.S. electoral process would be better suited pitting each party’s candidate against one another in a winner-take-all steel-cage match.
“Putting Demp in the rotation and putting Woody at the back end kind of made everything flow a little easier.”
–Cubs first baseman Derrek Lee referring either to teammates Ryan Dempster and Kerry Wood, or an extremely painful urinary tract infection.
“There were clearly some unpleasant incidents but when you look at the number of fans and the amount they had drunk, then I think the authorities passed what was definitely our biggest test.”
–Hanspeter Weisshaupt, coordinator at the site of Saturday’s Euro 2008 quarterfinals match in Basel, Switzerland. Of the 180,000 who packed the town square to watch the Netherlands stunning 3-1 loss to the Russians, fifty were arrested when a number of fights broke out following the match, some of which consisted of Dutch supporters sparring with each other. Officials estimated nearly 500,000 litres of beer had been consumed.
“I’m torn between the Oscar and the Foster Cup, to tell you the truth. But right now, I mean, at least in the short term, I’m praying to be drinking some cheap champagne outta that cup before the season ends.”
–Rock n’ Roll legend and majority owner of the Arena Football League’s Philadelphia Soul Jon Bon Jovi, when asked by Page 2’s Mary Buckheit whether he would prefer winning another Grammy, his first Oscar or the Foster Cup, which is given to the AFL champ.
Crystal Ball (a look at the week ahead)
Phone those bookies and open up that wallet, Jack, because the Leak is here to provide you with all the info you need to get rich without having to go through the trouble of prostituting yourself…on the weekends and during your lunch hour.
Tuesday
Celebrity Family Feud, NBC, 7-8 CT
An absolute monstrosity in the making, this take on the classic game show features a no-holds-barred contest between the family of geriatric rapper/actor Ice-T and the Rivers clan, complete with reptilian degenerate daughter Melissa and plastic surgery cut-out Joan, the delusional mother.
If you are smart, you’d take the 5:2 odds that Ice-T pounds on Joan’s synthetic snout to a network-friendly version of ‘Cop Killer.’
Wednesday
UEFA Euro 2008 Semifinals, Germany v. Turkey, ESPN, 1:30 PM CT
A German team steeped in tradition takes on a surprising Turkish squad that is playing in its first-ever European Championship semi-final after shocking the Croatians, 3-1, on penalty kicks Friday. Germany squeaked by metrosexual poster-boy Cristiano Ronaldo and Portugal in the second round, after falling face down against Austria, 1-0, to open the tourney. The Germans have won the event three times (twice as West Germany), most recently in 1996, while the Turks have managed to qualify only twice prior to this year’s tournament since the European Championship was incepted in 1960.
Put the money you thought about using to buy yourself a new circular saw on the Germans. They’re much manlier, bigger and can consume more quantities of dark beer. Plus, Turkey faces the daunting task of playing short-handed due to a multitude of injuries and suspensions.
Thursday
UEFA Euro 2008 Semifinals, Spain v. Russia, ESPN, 1:30 PM CT
The high-flying Spaniards, led by strikers Fernando Torres and David Villa, will spar with Russia in the other semi-final matchup. The Russians enter Thursday’s contest fresh off their scintillating 3-1 win over Netherlands on Saturday, as they scored two goals in extra time to stun the orange-clad throng of Dutch hooligans to reach their first semi-finals in the post-Soviet Union era. Spain will likely be charged with the momentum generated from their penalty-kick victory over Italy on Sunday and boasts an impressive +5 goal differential going into the country’s first semi-final since they played the role of runner-up in 1984.
Take your winnings from Wednesday’s match and pull a ‘double or nothing,’ placing your trust and last paycheck on the boys from Spain. While the Russians have done some wonderful things the past couple weeks, the Spanish are the Red Wings of futbol and should wipe the ‘pitch’ with the Commies.
Friday
Modern Marvels: Whiskey, History Channel, 7 PM CT
A slew of uninteresting interleague pairings render this the most riveting bit of television that is sure to set the framework for your hazy weekend. Take a tour of the world’s finest distilleries as each show you the methodology and processes that go into creating its own unique blend, which manifests that distinct flavor but all too familiar universal after effect. Currently unemployed? Meet the professional samplers who could theoretically help you get an inside track on landing the job that pays you to do everything you’ve already been doing since you got that pink slip.
No line or spread here. To spice things up, gather a bunch of your PTA pals and engage in a friendly contest that asks each participant to take a shot of his favorite spirit every time the narrator says the word ‘whiskey.’ The last one to see Ice-T playing tonsil hockey with the Rivers mother-daughter combo wins the pot.
Saturday
MLB
So I lied…there are a couple of good baseball battles for your enjoyment this weekend.
Chicago Cubs at Chicago White Sox
The South-Siders try to tame the wild beast that is the Cubs at U.S. Cellular Field in the possible preview of a World Series tussle that, God willing, never actually takes place.
New York Yankees at New York Mets
For those outside of the Midwest, the Yanks’ last trip to Shea highlights the late afternoon docket.
Both games begin airing at 2:30 CT on FOX.
Golf
PGA- Buick Open, Third Round, Live from Warwick Hills Country Club in Grand Blanc, Mich., CBS, 2 CT
LPGA- U.S. Women’s Open, Third Round, Live from Interlachen Country Club in Edina, Minn., NBC, 2 CT
Pick: A group of sweaty guys that excludes Tiger or a gaggle of young beauties gunning for the tour’s greatest prize?
Sunday
A day of rest from both sports and nearly everything else offers up an evening of hilarity and attractive story lines on extended cable. Enjoy these three classics in their entirety back-to-back-to-back:
American Pie- A coming of age tale that’s not afraid to delve into the trials and tribulations (or a warm piece of homemade pastry) facing America’s youth (7 CT, Encore)
Coyote Ugly- An aspiring songwriter leaves small-town New Jersey for the bright lights of New York City to realize her greatest inspirations lie in the arms of a handsome Australian line cook as well as those of hundreds of sexually charged men who plaster the walls of the seedy bar that helps her pay the bills. (8:40)
Striptease- Legendary actor Burt Reynolds delivers a truly moving performance in all his vaseline-aided glory. (10:30)
Monday (6/30)
WWE Raw, USA Network, 8-10 CT
Look for Vince “The Chairman” McMahon to elevate suspense levels beyond the reach of even the most potent of storylines carried out by his steroidal henchmen during this coming Monday’s edition of WWE Raw. McMahon, desperate to recover his once flourishing television ratings, may very well decide to graciously give away $1 million of his own cash to eight lucky fans for what would be the fourth straight week.
This one’s easy…no betting and little action required on your part. Just log on to the WWE website next Monday to retrieve the secret password you’ll need to cash in on McMahon’s generosity.
Disclaimer: The Leak cannot accept responsibility for any lost wages and resulting divorces and/or civil suits. The information given exists only to give you the pertinent background information necessary to make an informed decision. Whether or not the dice are rolled is solely up to you.
Famous Last Words
For the second consecutive week, The Leak regrets having to send condolences to friends and family of a beloved figure that stood defiant in the face adversary for the sake of defending what is right about this country. Like the late Tim Russert, who passed from a sudden heart attack Jun. 13, comedian George Carlin was a patriot for democracy, and his work served as a public forum for thinking that dared to venture beyond the mainstream. Carlin will forever be best remembered for his monologue entitled “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television,” which radically changed the Federal Communication Commission’s stance on what is deemed to be indecent material. In other words, George Carlin is the reason you watch Cinemax only between the hours of 10 p.m. and 4 a.m.
Carlin passed away at 5:55 PT Sunday evening at St. John’s Health Center in Santa Monica, Ca. after he was admitted earlier in the day for chest pains. He was 71.
The richest man on the face of this planet announced last week he now plans on enriching his life in new ways. Microsoft Corporation Chairman Bill Gates, who as of 2007 stood as the wealthiest human being on Earth with an estimated worth of $56 billion, said Thursday he will begin phasing himself out of his current role at the software giant to focus all of his efforts on becoming a full-time philanthropist. He and his wife, Melinda, oversee the world’s biggest foundation, which handed out nearly $1.5 billion in grants in 2004 alone. The Gates Foundation’s assets exceed $30 billion.
Gates has stated publicly that he would like to donate nearly every cent of his unfathomably expansive fortune before he dies. It’s kiss-ass time…
Stone-faced radio host and apologetic bigot Don Imus has struck again. In a case where senility and/or the rearing of ugly childhood pre-Civil War repressions may have been mistaken for brazen prejudice, Imus slipped into more hot water Monday morning during his show on WABC in New York when he uttered his second racially motivated comment in less than 16 months.
While discussing the recent plight of Dallas Cowboys cornerback Adam ‘no longer Pacman’ Jones, Imus inquired as to what color Jones is to sports announcer Warner Wolf. When Wolf replied that Jones is African American, Imus responded by saying, “There you go. Now we know.”
Imus later offered an explanation Monday afternoon, claiming that his words were easily misconstrued, but it was far too late. Reverend Al Sharpton, who I won’t rule out as an owner of some sort of specialized Racial Inequality/Epithet homing device or radar at his residence, immediately released a statement expressing his disdain for the comments and told reporters it was only a matter of time before his National Action Network decided whether Imus’ most recent disregard for racial harmony warranted castration or, at the very least, a good electroshock therapy session, complete with the cheap sponges attached to the rusty jumper cables.
Tags: Adam Jones, AFL, American Pie, Amy Winehouse, Bernie Miklasz, Bill Gates, Bill Simmons, Bob Barr, Boston, Boston Celtics, Celebrity Family Feud, Coyote Ugly, Crosstown Classic, Derrek Lee, Don Imus, Drew Barrymore, Euro 2008, Fever Pitch, George Carlin, Girl on the Loose, Hanspeter Weisshaupt, Jimmy Fallon, John McCain, Jon Bon Jovi, Kerry Wood, Kevin Garnett, Matthew McCounaughey, New York Mets, Omar Minaya, Pamela Anderson, Ray Allen, Ryan Dempster, St. Louis, Striptease, Subway Series, Super Bowl XXXVI, The Sporting News, Tom Brady, Tommy Lee, Vince McMahon, Whiskey, Willie Randolph, WWE Raw
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