Soccer Basher Mad Tea Party

By: Den Cotton

Dear FIFA, U.S. Soccer Fan, MLS, and Euro 2008:

I know you want America to love you, but it’s just not working out. You aren’t trying hard enough to make this relationship blossom — and I think you should seek counseling.

The British-sounding guy doing all the Euro 2008 commercials just isn’t sexy to America. You can do better soccer nation. If you really are determined to work out these differences, I will be your relationship coach.

The first thing is that Americans don’t think European sports are all that hot. So, put on some makeup first, and let’s see if we can construct some kind of makeover. My advice is to put some pizzazz in this relationship… you know, perhaps ask Kobe Bryant or Steve Nash to tell America how sexy soccer is these days, like say, in a commercial for Euro 2008 or even MLS. I think those cats actually knock a soccer ball around from time to time when they aren’t busy winning MVP trophies, and they might be able to help sell it — even though I know you probably don’t like the idea of being pimped out by superstars from another sport. Hey, you might get laid a lot more often in America. Sound fun?

Secondly, MLS broadcasts on ESPN2 and Fox Soccer Channel — while not bad looking visually speaking — are rather dull vocally. I watched FC Dallas and Houston on The Deuce (Brian Ching is on my fantasy team) and I’m just not sold on the broadcast. Your announcers need a better sound. I’m sure they are smart and full of soccer facts and analysis, all while trying to be uber-diplomats of the game. But quite frankly, they make me hit the snooze button. I’m not sure if you’ve ever heard of Gary Thorne, Brent Musburger, or Joe Buck. They might be able to help you — for a price. I’m not sure if they know much about soccer — or even care about it — but you could teach them. I know you favor brilliant analysis over a pretty sound, but we’re trying to get more fans here — so work with me.

I’ll admit that I haven’t watched a lot of the Euro 2008 games, but the matches I watched (in particular Spain v Russia part deux) on ESPN were just not that appealing, mainly because it seems like you are a million miles away from the action; which I guess is the case. But this game should have been more exciting — because there are some phenomenal players, with Fabregas and Torres on the pitch.

You ever watch basketball, football, or baseball on TV? You kinda feel like you’re right there in the action, and the production is just more exciting. But with these Euro 2008 broadcasts, I just have a weird vibe like I’m watching old footage — as if it’s not live or something. I’ll be fair here… I like the Premiership, and I think their broadcasts are much better than what we’ve seen on ESPN. I also subscribed to Setanta Sports online for a while, and it was even more exciting than the Euro 2008 games I’ve watched.

While we’re at it, I don’t think your players get in enough trouble on — and off — the field. We could use a few more bench-clearing brawls, headbutts, and some soccerly hooliganism here in America. It works really well when your manager drops F-bombs throughout a press conference. We don’t condone that kind of behavior here, but the media eats it up.

This is how we roll in America. We like drama — and the soccer world is not giving it to us. Walking boots, bloody socks, and the superstar playing one big theatrical game — or match — with a torn ACL or fractured tibia. That’s what we want here.

Stop being so pretentious soccer world… there’s a lot in this deal for you. I hang out with a lot of you soccer dudes and dudettes, and I know a lot of you have a chip on your shoulder because there are a lot of soccer bashers out there — some even worse than me. So just quit whining and crying for a second, so you can see the big picture more clearly. If you can somehow trick America into loving you, we can have one big sports orgy.

We already know soccer is far more exciting than baseball — so we’ve got to put our heads and feet together and kick this thing into action. I’m not sure I can help you surpass basketball and football fandom, but I think we can put hockey on ice, and break you into the top four. Since hockey is slowly killing itself, I think it’s definitely doable. And ABC/ESPN is apparently on the prowl for coverage in other European leagues, so everything is working in your favor right now.

One other thing here before I finish this therapy… please tell your announcers to stop referring to each team in plurality. When you say Houston Dynamo or Manchester United “are leading 1-0,” it’s collectively singular — as a unit. That is simply annoying, and improper grammar, if you ask me.

I don’t want all of you soccer nuts to nutmeg me — or kick me in the nuts — but I just want you to know the truth. The game needs some more ooomph, and I’m here trying to change it for the better. So, come on, are you content to be this snobbish? I’d like to watch Sunday’s EURO final of Germany v Spain with you, but I’ll be in D.C. checking out my first MLS game as United “hosts” David Beckham and L.A. Galaxy. So let me know if you stay awake during that ABC Eurocast.

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Den is some kind of freelance writer hailing from parts unknown and uncharted waters. His style is mostly free -- devoid of any meaningful sports knowledge -- while still struggling to find Lance. It is rumored that Den graduated from the University of Southern Indiana in the mid 90s. No diploma can be found, but he continues to receive countless alumni solicitations for cash -- so we assume that he got a degree of some variety. He is a former play-by-play announcer for several backyard basketball games. And currently, he is on the permanently- disabled list for the Stumptown All Stars of the Asheville Buncombe Adult Soccer Association over-30 B League. Don't forget to read his blog - Limabeancounter.

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10 Comments

  1. The Italian Soccer Team is my favorite. They have more pizzaz than any other. Check them out and vote for your favorite at http://www.peroniitaly.com

    Comment by meg on June 27, 2008

  2. Some people are not going to ever like NASCAR. Some people aren’t going to ever like soccer.

    I applaud you for checking out soccer, but even soccer fans don’t always like individual games or broadcasts.

    Food for thought…who watches regular season baseball games that their own team isn’t involved in.

    The main idea for soccer is to get fans into MLS teams to support them as passionately as their other local teams. It could take some time, but I think things are going in the right direction.

    Comment by John on June 27, 2008

  3. Meg,

    I like Birra Moretti better. So I’m pimping its pizzaz instead of Peroni.

    John,

    You sound defeated my friend, like your Umbro ball is flat or something, and you just lost in penalty kicks.

    Don’t give up hope. I think there are tons of Nascar-loving soccer hooligans who are still in the closet, just waiting to wave their Jeff Gordon/David Beckham flags. The refs are giving it extra time.

    Comment by Den Cotton on June 27, 2008

  4. This is quite a pointless and stupid article. ESPN’s coverage has been superb, and about 2 million saw the Italy-Spain 1/4 final last sunday. With 2 superpowers playing this Sunday, just wait and see how many will tuni into ABC’s coverage. And the MLS game between Galaxy and D.C. United is just a perfect opener.
    Gray, Rae, Healey, Smyth have done an amazing job in the studio this time around. What a spectacle it has been. A great tournament(arguably, harder to win than the World Cup), and great job by ESPN covering the event!!!

    Comment by Ivan on June 27, 2008

  5. Den, tune into Telefutura (check local listings) MLS broadcasts. They air an MLS game every Sunday. It doesn’t matter if you don’t understand a word of Spanish, it’ll blow your mind. Do it next weekend when you aren’t in DC.

    Comment by Alan Velasco on June 27, 2008

  6. Hey Ivan,

    Thanks for the award… I’ll put it with my countless others… “Stupidest Thing I’ve ever read,” “Moron of the Day”… the list is long, but I’m sure I can find room on the trophy shelf.

    Comment by Den Cotton on June 27, 2008

  7. Alan,

    You don’t have to give up your soccer loyalty, but I’m sensing from you that there are more entertaining broadcasts to be enjoyed. Esta bien… Sounds like a day of Margaritas and quesadillas for me next Sunday!

    Comment by Den Cotton on June 27, 2008

  8. Well Den, I don’t typically use terms like Ivan did, but he has a bit of a point–what you’re trying to improve is what most (including a good chunk of the non-soccer people) have called the best part.

    A lot of people can get past funny accents and realize that Andy Grey is a hell of a broadcaster, better than any of the American voices we’ve used for years that you don’t seem to like either.

    Comment by Stan on June 28, 2008

  9. Soccer will not mean much here until the teams have decades of history. All of the sports started the same way.

    Comment by TR on June 29, 2008

  10. Never understood the snarky and condescending viewpoint americans have towards soccer. Okay it isn’t part of your culture and so you aren’t interested in it…so what? who gives a crap?

    Watch your american sports, revel in their americanness and relax. Believe me, “Mr.Soccer” barely notices that america is not watching, it already has more than a billion viewers worldwide.

    Comment by James on July 18, 2008

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