The Brain Leak
The Brain Leak
(Week of 7/7/08 - 7/13/08)
With my creative fluids replenished, The Leak fine-tunes itself for a mid-summer charge and stands unfazed by the oppressive swelter of the annual Midwest “Humidity Fest.” It is truly that wretched time of year when a majority of the country falls victim to brutally high dew points and even the most adamant of narcissists shudder in anticipation of the disheveling effects of excessive perspiration and subsequent body odor. But on the bright side, we at The National Sports Review—while we reserve the right to withhold no judgment of any kind—do not discriminate, not even against the hygienically handicapped who inexplicably manage to blend in nicely during the summer months. In fact, we promote the flaunting of man-breasts, love handles and double-chins everywhere, so discard that wife-beater. And while you’re at it, feel free to spread eagle in the lawn of your favorite park as you peruse our pages, telling the whole world in a semi-nude protest that you’re not going to let some high temperatures keep you down.
Astrology Lecture
Caught smack dab in the middle of an agonizing quarter-life crisis, I have recently tried in angst to consult the powers that be for guidance and/or plead for an affluent middle-aged fireball of a female who would be willing to settle down despite my questionable intentions. In this quest, not one single instance has occurred during my post-college staleness in which I have digressed to point where I felt it was necessary to incorporate the psychic powers of astrology in my ritualistic introspections. And I’m about to show you why this is so.
Simply titled, astrology.com presents a plethora of interesting tidbits for a wide range of customers, from the eternally depressed to the chronically optimistic. Need a 90-day outlook for Fluffy? They’ve got you covered, too, crazy cat woman. A member of GLAAD who’s worried about the environment? This go-to source for everything bullshit will foretell which state is next in line to allow same-sex marriages as well as predict the exact day and hour those greenhouse gases will ultimately tear a ten-mile-wide gap in our ozone. And this is all tremendously sugar-coated, of course.
It is with the same pessimism and sour attitude that I—a Virgo and, therefore, analytical by nature—now dissect my own horoscope for the coming week (7/14-7/20), as foretold by astrology.com. For what it’s worth, I’d rather place my faith in good ‘ol trusty JC, but here goes:
You might just feel like laying low on Monday and Tuesday, and going with the flow is not a bad M.O. right now.
Translation: For whatever reason, the familiar chore of fighting off your daily craving for the lunch buffet at your favorite strip club will be a non-factor this week, especially on Monday and Tuesday. Instead, follow your heart and achieve an equal amount of eroticism in the privacy of your own home.
But done ignore life’s tensions–stick with your exercise regimen and work right through them.
Translation: Ryan, don’t think for a second that you can afford to forgo your healthier methods of releasing frustration. The gym is calling, and so are those countless people who witnessed you taking a header off the treadmill the other day. You can’t let them down.
Speaking of work, if you’ve been putting in the effort, more opportunities (and maybe some pretty sweet results) are on the way around Wednesday and Thursday.
Translation: Those people to whom you sent those resumes back in January will finally get back to you, saying nothing of any importance other than they will “keep your resume on file for an additional six months” if their Green Horoscopes don’t ask them to immediately send it through the company shredder. But, hey, buddy…c’mon, at least someone will leave you a comment on the new Brain Leak this Wednesday. It’ll be more of a complaint than a compliment, but you have to build an audience some way or another.
This doesn’t just mean on the job, either; big personal progress is possible, too. Then, on Friday and over the weekend, a really revolutionary idea is in the air. Get ready!
Translation: Anguish disguised as success will seep into all aspects of your life. You will enjoy a mid-week outing on the town with a friend that will calm your nerves until Friday, when you will come crashing back to reality in time to have an epiphany: Your work and home lives have actually become blended into such a deliciously bland mixture that your whole being yearns to reject the taste. But this will only last for three days, and then we’ll roll out your doom for the next seven.
Curious as to how your own future will come crumbling down before your very eyes? Feel free to call your reliable area psychic at 800-648-1983. It’s only $10 per minute, and by the time you’re done, you may have further evidence that will put Miss Cleo behind bars for life.
Mid-way Grades
I dish out my marks for each team as we have officially reached the All-Star break. Technically, these grades don’t represent how well or poorly a team has performed over the span of half of Major League Baseball’s 162-game marathon, as a considerable number of clubs have already completed nearly 60% of their games prior to the arrival of the Mid-Summer Classic.
Boston Red Sox (57-40): The defending champs have played the role all year, but will the absence of a pitcher with the big-game mentality of a Curt Schilling eventually come back to haunt them?
Chicago Cubs (57-38): The game’s best run differential (+106) belongs to perhaps its most complete team. But even with a scorching first half, you have to wonder whether fans on the North Side are falling victim to thoughts of how this Cubs team can somehow be tripped up by a century of history that has featured everything but happy endings.
Chicago White Sox (54-40): A hot start that many thought would surely dissipate has turned into a wildly successful 94-game campaign. The question is not whether the Sox can sustain, but if they will be able to hold off the hard-charging Twins and Tigers.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (57-38): The team that no one really seems to talk about has quietly amassed what is easily baseball’s best road record (31-18). So how have they done it? Well, first off, 56 quality starts don’t hurt. Neither does a bullpen that has churned out a MLB-high 39 saves.
Tampa Bay Rays (55-39): A current seven-game losing streak cannot diminish what the Rays have managed to accomplish so far this season. With that being said, it remains to be seen how manager Joe Maddon will not only guide his young team through this latest storm but prepare it for the brutal home-stretch that lies down a road littered with playoff implications.
Milwaukee Brewers (52-43): The Brew Crew thrust itself into the division race with the July 7 acquisition of CC Sabathia, a former Cy Young Award winner. Now the hope is that all the guns in the middle of that lineup can match the firepower of the rotation’s newfound weapon.
Minnesota Twins (53-42): Minny has thus far perfected the smoke-and-mirrors trick and trails the front-running White Sox by only 1.5 games. With a lineup void of a viable power threat outside of Justin Morneau and a rotation lacking a frontline starter, the Twins have excelled by playing as a complete team, from top to bottom.
Oakland A’s (51-44): Sticking to his philosophy of trading supremely talented but dispensable hurlers for the sake of restocking his farm system, GM Billy Beane sent arguably his most prized pitcher to the Cubs last week in exchange for more youth. And that seems to be just fine with the A’s faithful. After all, it has been the kids, most of which were acquired through Beane’s shrewdness, who have catapulted Oakland to a surprisingly prosperous first half.
Philadelphia Phillies (52-44): According to my extensive research, the Phils are the only team on the planet that can boast three players with at least 20 home runs. First baseman Ryan Howard leads the league with 28 to go along with his 84 RBIs, a franchise record for most runs-batted-in before the All-Star break. But according to my extensive research, Mr. Howard has also whiffed a mind-boggling 129 times, or once every 2.8 at-bats, and is on pace for 218.
St. Louis Cardinals (53-43): The first half of 2008 has possibly been manager Tony LaRussa’s finest hour. A roster of young unknowns has battled through injuries to a multitude of key players and has taken on the mentality of its steadfast leader. Thanks in part to reoccurring pitching woes, rumors continue to swirl around St. Louis as to how the organization can improve the team for a three-horse stretch run in the NL Central without compromising owner Bill DeWitt’s vision for the future, which prohibits mortgaging the future in favor of a quick fix or three-month rental.
Arizona Diamondbacks (47-48): Exactly two months ago, the Snakes were 24-15, had the best record in baseball and seemed poised to run away with the putrid NL West by mid-June. Since then, however, the D’Backs have gone belly up, posting a 23-33 mark, while failing to show even an ounce of the enthusiasm that characterized their pennant run in 2007. Remarkably, Arizona still holds a one-game lead over the Dodgers, a product of a season in which every team in the division seems to hold its individual standing by being slightly less futile than the one below it.
Cincinnati Reds (46-50): Righthander Edinson Volquez’s unexpected emergence has made the seemingly one-sided trade of coveted outfielder Josh Hamilton to Texas anything but. Volquez has posted a magnificent 2.29 ERA to go with his 12 wins in becoming one of the NL’s elite starters, and he leads a core of young Cincy arms that will use the remainder of ‘08 to develop into the league’s finest for 2009.
Detroit Tigers (47-47): With their win over Minnesota on Sunday, the Tigers reached the .500 mark for the seventh time in 2008; a feat that vividly illustrates the up-and-down nature of a season that began with seven consecutive losses and has bore a stretch during which Detroit won 16 of 19 games. A top-dollar payroll will now have to earn its money, so to speak, if the consensual pre-season World Series pick has hopes of passing up its divisional foes for the right to play in its second World Series in three years.
Florida Marlins (50-45): Much to everyone’s surprise, including perhaps their own, the Fish enjoyed a short-lived stay atop the NL East in the early stages of what was supposed to be a rebuilding season. And while Florida likely won’t have enough in the tank to keep pace with the Phillies and Mets, winning the NL Wild Card is by no means out of the question.
New York Mets (51-44): If nothing else, the Mets have proved it’s not wise to right off a team with a payroll that nearly eclipses the $150 million mark. A model of inconsistency, New York has faltered a majority of the season under the weight of its own star-power, a flaw that was made all the more apparent by the strained relationship between several high-profile players and former skipper Willie Randolph. However, the ensuing anointing of Randolph’s successor, Jerry Manuel, has infused a largely unenergetic team with a shot of passion that has the Metropolitans putting their first-half woes in the rear view mirror and riding high with a nine-game winning streak entering the break
New York Yankees (50-45): Whether new Commander-in-Chief Hank Steinbrenner will admit it or not, the Bronx Bombers have undeniably entered a transitional period. A lineup that has made a lucrative living from knocking down outfield fences is showing signs of age, and a patchwork rotation comprised partially of young kids has had to lean heavily on a 39-year-old Mike Mussina (11-6, 3.61), who, much like fellow veteran hurler Andy Pettitte, is enjoying a fine season filling the void left by the injured Chien-Ming Wang.
Pittsburgh Pirates (44-50): For an organization that hasn’t reached the postseason or produced a winning record since 1992, a fourth-place finish to this season’s first half should be cause for celebration. It’s inevitable Pittsburgh will miss the playoffs for yet another year, but with a solid second half, Bill Russell’s young Bucs should be able to avoid making Pittsburgh the first National League franchise to ever suffer through 16 consecutive losing seasons.
Texas Rangers (50-46): Scintillating first-half performances by the aforementioned Hamilton (.310, 21 HR, 95 RBIs) and second baseman Ian Kinsler (.337 BA) have garnered hopes for individual postseason awards in Arlington. But anything short of a magical run the rest of the way will ensure the Rangers, a team clearly built for gaudy offensive output, will finish the season cemented firmly in third place in the AL West. Texas ranks no higher than eighth in any pitching statistical category and lays claim to the American League’s highest team ERA.
Toronto Blue Jays (47-48): In theory, the Jays are deserving of no other grade than the one that beautifully symbolizes perfect mediocrity, as their record surely suggests. In addition, common sense tells us Toronto needs to add a few big bats to a light-hitting lineup that has failed to hold its end of the deal and thus far spoiled the contributions of a rock-steady rotation. A clear indication of how ineffective Toronto’s O has been: Center fielder Vernon Wells leads the team in both home runs and RBIs, with 9 and 42, respectively.
Atlanta Braves (45-50): Bobby Cox’s club has been the embodiment of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde this season, representing world-beaters at home (30-18) but a team without a clue away from the comfy confines of Turner Field (15-32). Yeah, the Braves have had to deal with injuries to several members of the starting rotation, including future Hall-of-Famers John Smoltz and Tom Glavine. But should a team that ranks in the top three in the league in both team batting average and staff ERA be floundering five games under the break-even mark?
Baltimore Orioles (45-48): Entering the break at or near the bottom of the AL East has become a yearly ritual in Baltimore, and this season is no exception, although the O’s have played better than expected. Despite the team’s improvement from this time last year (41-52 after 93 games in ‘07), don’t be shocked if President of Baseball Operations Andy MacPhail begins to unload some pricier veteran players to make payroll room for the possible off-season acquisition of a much-needed premiere pitcher as the O’s look ahead to 2009.
Houston Astros (44-51): Even with the heroics of Lance “Puma” Berkman and the consistent production of shortstop Miguel Tejada, the ‘Stros have been crippled by issues surrounding the pitching staff, the most notable of which have centered around the usually reliable Roy Oswalt. Oswalt’s 4.56 ERA is nearly a run and a half more than his career mark of 3.18, and his projected 14 wins would be his lowest output since 2003, when he won ten games.
Kansas City Royals (43-53): The team that shocked everyone by sweeping the Detroit Tigers to begin the season has since made sporadic appearances and primarily given way to the same old Royals, a clear signal to the KC fan base that it would be best to refrain from holding its collective breath. Manager Trey Hillman has done an honorable job of getting the young players to perform up to their potential, and the older members of the roster seem to be buying into his fundamental approach to the game. But now twelve games out of first in a division that is growing strength, the Royals’ chances of winning their first title of any kind since 1985 are slim and none, and they should soon channel their efforts to the familiar practice of looking forward to next season.
Los Angeles Dodgers (46-49): Joe Torre’s inaugural season in Los Angeles has been marred by inconsistency that has the Dodgers scratching and crawling for pecking order in baseball’s worst division. Every time the NL’s top-rated pitching staff allows the team to take a step forward, an anemic offense led by the bust of the century, Andruw Jones (.164, 2 HR, 10 RBIs), forces LA to take two giants leaps in the opposite direction. Due to the pathetic nature of the NL West, the Dodgers could hypothetically play as poorly—if not worse—in the second half as they did in the first and still find themselves playing in October.
San Francisco Giants (40-55): As lackluster as the Giants have performed at times this season, it is nonetheless foolish to think they have fallen out of contention in the NL West. A young rotation that has performed admirably while receiving minimal run support from the NL’s second worst offense may receive a late-season jolt with the return of last season’s 14-game winner, Noah Lowry, who has yet to throw a pitch this season after undergoing surgery on his left forearm in March. Plus, you have Tim Lincecum, a future unanimous Cy Young Award winner, who seems to be good for a win every fifth day.
Cleveland Indians (41-53): I won’t hesitate to label the Tribe as baseball’s biggest disappointment for the first half of the 2008 season. Originally predicted to battle Detroit for not only the division title but the AL Pennant after coming within one victory of the World Series a year ago, Cleveland stumbled out of the gate and is yet to recover. In fact, their surprisingly bad start was nothing more than foreshadowing of even tougher times ahead, especially on the road. After enjoying an abbreviated, 1.5-game lead atop the AL Central at a season-high three games over .500 in May, the Indians obviously felt the need to crumble, losing seven consecutive contests and 13 of their next 17 away from Progressive Field. As a result of the tailspin, Cleveland went from sitting fat in first to languishing in the cellar, some 8.5 games behind the division leader.
Colorado Rockies (39-57): Upon initial inspection of this year’s version of the Rockies, it’s hard to fathom that this is much the same team that won twenty consecutive games down the stretch last season to begin a magical run to the franchise’s first-ever World Series appearance. While the offense has been marginal, the pitching has been absolutely dreadful, allowing nearly five runs per game. And the whole “Well, it’s not easy to pitch in the thin air of Coors Field” excuse no longer works. The only solution that will remedy Colorado’s long list of issues is for the players to free their heads from their backsides and hope they can somehow equal, if not exceed, 2007’s epic and historic run.
San Diego Padres (37-58): How can a team that has received 51 quality starts seem so pathetically inadequate? That’s easy: Hit .246 as a team, slug your way to an abysmal .382 percentage, steal the least amount of bases (25) in the National League and provide your starters with less than four runs per game. The hard part is figuring out why the front office has not yet lobbied to have the dimensions at Petco Park reduced and the fences moved waaaaaaaaaay in.
Seattle Mariners (37-58): So much for the Eric Bedard trade tipping the power scales of the AL West in favor of the Mariners. When Seattle acquired Bedard from Baltimore in February, the organization drooled over what would materialize from having the lefthander join forces with incumbent staff ace Felix Hernandez. And although Bedard does lead the M’s in wins with seven, he is currently lamenting his second visit to the disabled list—placed retroactive to July 5 with shoulder stiffness—and the team is uncertain when he will return. Meanwhile, the highlight of a dismal season has to be Hernandez, who entered 2008 with one hit in eight career at-bats, hitting a grand slam off of Johan Santana on June 23 in a 5-2 win over the Mets. However, in a cruel twist of fate that accurately sums up Seattle’s first half, Hernandez was forced to leave the game three innings later with what was later determined as a sprained left ankle.
Washington Nationals (36-60): There’s not too much you can say about a team that has made a hobby of cellar-dwelling in its brief existence, so I’ll sit back and let the stats do the talking. The Nats (or Nots, if you prefer) are dead last in the National League in batting average (.239), runs scored (350), on-base and slugging percentage (.314, .358) and OPS (.671). It speaks volumes for the sheer suckiness of your offense when your journeyman of a backup a catcher leads the team in RBIs with 37. There is a silver lining, however. Because Washington’s offense is so darn inefficient, it makes the staff’s eleventh-ranked 4.40 ERA look sterling.
A Day in the Life of
Before you continue to attempt to put a validating stamp on your Hollywood dreams, browse these following snippets of horror, asking yourself repeatedly whether you really and truly desire to live a lifestyle that is fueled by self-destruction and subsequently mocked by an unforgiving viewing public that relishes its front-row seat.
Famed wrestler turned aspiring incestuous father Hulk Hogan was at it again this past weekend. Capping off a weirdly erotic two and a half months during which he has been scorned for overstepping the boundaries of acceptable parental affection— first spotted lubing the thighs of daughter Brooke with Panama Jack SPF 3 and then caught playing the role of onlooker at her nearly topless Maxim photo shoot— Hogan (real name: Terry Bollea) was secretly besieged by TMZ cameras as he witnessed his pride-and-joy’s sexy burlesque show in South Beach.
Although the overall creepiness factor is there, this latest incident involving the former World Heavyweight Champion and his not-so-little girl is considerably tamer than the previous two. We assume there was no innocent petting involved.
The Leak says: Kudos to you for your restraint, Hulk. We guess.
This next one was too tantalizing to pass up. If you remember, last week The Leak ran a hate-filled rant devoted to Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez and his strange attraction to Guy Ritchie’s wife; her name escapes me at the moment. Well, as if his resulting divorce from wife Cynthia wasn’t enough to bear, poor A-Rod had no choice but to endure the antics of a group of devilishly stoic Blue Jays fans during a 5-0 New York loss Friday night at Rogers Centre in Toronto.
Notice the classic look of either suppressed surrealism or Satan being reincarnated on the face of the guy with the orange hat drinking a Molson. Not to be outdone, though, is the young man’s spawn, seated left, who seems hell-bent on burning a hole in Rodriguez’s batting helmet, or package, with an evil peripheral stare. And let us not forget the token “bandana hat” guy who excels at finding and then rocking headwear that is designed to look like a bandana but fit like a baseball cap. He seems entirely too into his wardrobe to even glance back at the hilarity that is taking place one row behind him.
Fun With Captions
Maurice, the genetically enhanced Chilean rain forest monkey who recently escaped from the Bronx Zoo, disguises himself as Milwaukee Brewers left fielder Ryan Braun at Monday night’s Home Run Derby at Yankee Stadium.
Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama and his wife, Michelle (Robinson), shimmer on their wedding day in 1992. Rumors speculating that the potential First Lady has been utilizing lifts in her shoes to hide her true identity as a “little person” during her husband’s campaign have escalated since the Illinois Senator nabbed the Democratic nomination last month.
Troubled pop star Amy Winehouse leaves a London pub Friday under the careful watch of her bodyguards. Winehouse reportedly left the local watering hole shortly before 2 AM to find a suitable layout for her cardboard residence, but she was quickly commandeered by a friendly, unidentified bloke who whisked the recovering cocaine addict to a more private alley located in a harsher part of town.
Tags: All-Star break, Astrology, Baseball, Boston Red Sox, Chicago Cubs, Chicago White Sox, GLAAD, Los Angeles Angels, MLB, Tampa Bay Rays
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Another classic! Your self-depreciating humor and sporting insight are an absolute delight to read while enjoying my freshly roasted Boca Java brand coffee. May the good Lord bless you in your journey for true love and complete occupational contentment.
Comment by Michael on July 18, 2008
Thank you, Michael–
I really appreciate the comment. It’s nice to know someone enjoys my work enough to not only give it a passing glance, but follow it on a consistent basis. Spread the word, would ya?
Take care of yourself…
Comment by Ryan on July 18, 2008
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