The Brain Leak
The Brain Leak
(Week of 7/14/08 - 7/20/08)
Pelosi’s mean streak, a French prostitute in Hollywood, The Shark out of water at the Open and JT’s ESPY brown-nose party
This One’s on the ‘House’
Nancy Pelosi sat upright and poignant Thursday. Her notable posture was completed with arms folded at lap and accentuated with an ear-to-ear smile. She grew exponentially more attentive with each question; she was the perfect subject. Pelosi was dressed in her favorite blue blazer and off-white blouse, an outfit meant to portray her aura of stateliness if not her historic distinction. The distinguished Congresswoman acted as any concerned American should act when discussing the solutions that exist to bring our great country out of its present decay.
That is until she spoke.
Like all politicians, Pelosi is a sheep in wolves’ clothing, no more an extension of the American people than an overpaid fundraiser.
The Democratic Representative from California is the first woman to ever serve as the House Speaker, and she acts and speaks accordingly. She pushes her left-leaning agenda with such fury, you think she is third in line for the Oval Office (oh, wait…). Backed by the muscle of a Democrat-controlled 110th Congress, Pelosi has used her seat of power to resonate partisan complaints aimed primarily at the ineffectiveness and ineptitude of President Bush and his administration since the day she was sworn in some 18 months ago.
In an exclusive interview with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, Pelosi barraged the president with an onslaught of criticism reeking of personal dissention. Her shrillest remark came in response to Bush’s call to Congress last Tuesday in which he challenged its members to pick up the pace during the fiscal year’s 27 remaining legislative days (whatever that means; I thought everyday was meant to be a legislative day). The House Speaker seized the opportunity to use retaliatory tactics by pronouncing her disapproval of Bush’s performance and ability to adequately address today’s most pressing issues. “God bless him, bless his heart, president of the United States–a total failure, losing all credibility with the American people on the economy, on the war, on energy, you name the subject.”
Pelosi was quick to place the blame squarely on the shoulders of the president for our nation’s current state of flux for good reason. At a time when the Commander-in-Chief’s approval ratings have bottomed out to new and unprecedented lows, Pelosi used Thursday’s interview as a chance to highlight Bush’s missteps as well as manifest her aggression in constructing a force field that would successfully deflect any negative attention away from an equally pathetic Congress.
CNN reported the results of a recent Gallop poll that revealed congressional efforts nabbed the approval of a mere 14 % of Americans. Never in the 30-year history of the survey has there been a more discouraging outcome.
But Pelosi stated to Blitzer that she considers herself to be among the countless millions of Americans who disapprove of Congress’ performance, but only when the subject matter boils down to the war in Iraq. Though she openly lamented Congress’ performance in this regard, she finds the poor ratings to be of no fault of the House of Representatives. And Pelosi adhered to the topic of foreign policy, making no mention of the U.S.’s soaring gas and food prices and crippled economy, so as to pin the abysmal congressional ratings on Republicans and their reluctance to agree on a comprehensive plan to withdraw troops from Iraq.
“Everything I see says this is about ending the war–’I disapprove of Congress’ performance in terms of ending the war,’” Pelosi stated. “In the House, we, of course have over and over, five or six times, sent to the Senate legislation for a time certain to reduce our deployment in Iraq and bring our troops home safely, honorably and soon. We haven’t been able to get it past the Senate or the president of the United States.”
Conservatives fired back. Republican National Committee spokesman Alex Conant referred to Pelosi’s banter as “the sort of partisan politics that Democrats once decried and promised to change.”
Same old song and dance.
The citizens of this country are seeking change, but not at the expense of enduring an increased, and more irritable, amount of bipartisan squabbling and childish finger-pointing, which both lead to a prolonged pain-in-the-ass for the average American. With the patience—and wallets—of Americans across the country being stretched to their respective limits, the last thing the country needs is yet another assembly of idiots who will accomplish nothing but the frequent butting of heads and conjure new ways to line their pockets. And the reluctance of both parties to accept responsibility and work as one unified team continues to send this nation plummeting ever downward.
Pelosi personified this rigidity during the course of her interview Thursday. Her Democratic Party, together with its unofficial leader, Barack Obama, came up with the ingenious plan of building a platform for change. But it’s hard to imagine to what extent this ideological approach will work for both Democrats and Republicans should the Illinois Senator—or, for that matter, John McCain— win the election, especially since two unequivocally stubborn parties do not a united government make.
A small side note for the curious: Nancy Pelsoi’s position as Speaker of the House of Representatives pays her an annual salary upwards of $200,000.
Voices In My Head
“He’s back in jail again. I don’t know why judges keep letting this guy out. Every time he goes in there, he gets out on bond.”
–Maricopa County (Arizona) Sheriff Joe Arpaio on the recent arrest record of fallen rapper/actor DMX, whose legal name is Earl Simmons. Simmons was taken into police custody Saturday on suspicion of using a false name in April at Scottsdale’s Mayo Clinic to avoid paying a $7,500 bill.
I guess if I had plummeted as hard and as fast as Earl, I would hide my true identity, too.
“Listen, I sometimes think if somebody does something with a picture of me or says something about me that I should be able to hit them in their mouth, but that’s not how this works. This is America. People can say and do what they want.”
–Giants RB Brandon Jacobs commenting to ESPN Page 2’s Eric Neel on the ever-increasing and sometimes hostile presence of the paparazzi, which now ranges from esteemed media to any curious yahoo with a camera phone.
I recommend reading Neel’s article. It’s quite interesting.
“I taught him how to sprawl. I taught him a jab and a cross…a few positions, an arm bar, a back choke, and we’d play like that. Drake was like 3 or 4 years old, and he could hit me as hard as he wanted or elbow me where he wanted.”
–Kirk Dudley on the toddler training of his son, Drake, now 14, a mixed martial arts prodigy who has compiled a 403-63 record while competing in wrestling, Thai boxing, judo and boxing matches since age seven. Story here.
Drake’s dad is reportedly pushing for a stone circle death match with his son and UFC newcomer and You Tube superstar Kimbo Slice.
“Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a boy and a girl, naming them Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline. Apparently, they want their son to be a crime-fighting vigilante and their daughter to be a 1930s French prostitute.”
–Comedian Joel McHale, host of E!’s The Soup, gives his take on the recent birth of A-list power couple Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s twins.
Craig’s Blue-Light Specials
Shockingly successful in its first attempt to scour cyberspace’s largest and most extravagant bazaar for tasty morsels, The Leak has once again decided to tap into Craig’s mind and dissect the manner in which this rare combo of divinity and man bestows upon us such undeniable bliss.
Mere minutes after The Leak was published on July 5th, I was stunned to discover my inbox had become flooded with countless requests from anxious readers who were suddenly counting on me to find them breathtaking deals on everything from used fuel-efficient Hondas to unspeakable acts of sexual demonstration. Obviously, many people out there are under the impression that by some kind of creepy osmosis, I am the only one who can access this magical website. But, as I stated in that now fateful edition, I am one with the people, so it is without hesitation that I help my fellow man, or woman.
The following are just a few of the emails I received, accompanied by my response. I assure you these were picked at random:
Dear Ryan–
I have currently fallen on hard times and desperately need your advice on finding a job. But it’s not just any job. A short time ago, I made the conscious and heart-wrenching decision to branch off from the family business of raising bulls to fulfill my life-long dream of being a chainsaw sculptor. The problem is that people who make a living from sculpting things with a chainsaw are generally not needed very much in today’s business world. Despite the heavy opposition, I drudge on but need your assistance in getting my dream to take flight. Could you please find it in yourself and use your connections to somehow rustle up an employer who can appreciate my skills with a blade? God Bless!
Regards,
Melancholy in Montana
Montana,
Given my unfamiliarity with your craft, and the EPA’s recent crackdown on logging, I had a relatively hard time finding something. But that is not to say my efforts were in vein, my friend. I believe I have found the perfect suitor to help you indulge your saw-wielding fetish. Behold: Mr. Posting ID # 746210063 promises hours of fun with his 23-inch by 3-foot Douglas Fir stump, which, by my estimation, is more than the perfect sized canvas for an aspiring sculptor to develop his skills. Plus, it’s Fir—you can’t beat that.
I do realize that this opportunity does not hold any monetary gain. In fact, it’ll probably cost you some cash. But look at this as just the first building block in a career filled with milestones. Besides, all great chainsaw sculptors had to start somewhere, right?
Mr. Faller–
I am well aware of your abilities and how adept you are at helping people get what they desire, but as a single, 45-year-old affluent man-eater who has seen more Botox and saline than Janice Dickinson, I never have any trouble getting what I want. Seeing this, I come to you today not because I am confused as to where I may find what I am looking for, but because I am frantic over the wording in which I should compose my Craigslist ad. In addition to your Good Samaritan prowess, I am also aware that you are quite skilled at magnifying the power of the written word.
Alright, enough jabber. Here’s my dilemma: Me and four of my closest and equally rich friends are planning an exclusive dinner/Restylane party at my gated residence to be held in August, and I recently got the ingenious idea to spice up the affair with the addition of our very own personal cabana boy. Even though I credit an Associate’s Degree from Dade County Community College to my name, I must admit I have never been much of a writer.
Now, the best-case scenario here would be for you to be so gracious as to write the ad for me, but seeing the sensitive nature of the subject, I do not hold out too much hope for this. Therefore, the most I can ask is for you to give me some tips on what to say and how to say it, so that my money-grubbing friends and I can take solace in the fact we will be peering at the crotch of the best qualified candidate from what I am sure is a deep talent pool.
For the love of money and cosmetic surgery,
South Beach Cougar
Cougar,
I am a bit confused by your request. I am assuming that if you own an extravagant backyard, landscaped to the nines and equipped with an elaborate, mosaic- encrusted in-ground pool, then you already have hired help of some sort. If not, then I am perplexed as to how you clean your pool, because I am willing to guess that you don’t balance the pH levels yourself.
If it is straight-up lust you crave, I am down with that. In that case, your most effective solution would be to make a picture of yourself and your middle-aged and surgically tethered cronies the focal point of your ad; that is if you’re all as attractive as you make yourselves out to be. From there, take the time to plainly state and outline what it is you girls expect from this poor soul the night of your party (besides the lust).
I think you will find this oddly similar situation of a woman in Las Vegas—who’s looking to whet an equally fierce sexual appetite—quite helpful. You will notice that she has not included a picture, which may have you wondering why I have instructed you do just the opposite. This is because you may be more desperate and pathetic, as your letter clearly suggests.
Happy Hunting!
Bro–
My name is Jared. I am a senior at Rutgers. Last weekend, I totally hooked up with this random girl at this Kappa rush party. At the end of the night, I took her back to my lair, where I laid the J-Dog smack on that ass. She had no idea what hit her, or at least that’s what I thought. The next morning I woke up to find out she was still in my bed, wearing my fav Sigma Epsilon T-shirt. To make matters worse, she wouldn’t get a clue and leave my house, dude. What gives? Sometimes I wish chicks would be more like us and just take a night in the sack for what it’s worth. I don’t want anything from this girl, except for more play, and the last thing I want is some one-night stand hangin’ all over my Johnson all semester.
But do you wanna know the kicker, Bro? Get this: She is only 17! I found out from my boy Sean that she is the sister of some chick we hang with and an incoming freshman. I don’t have time for that shit, man. How do I get this lil’ one off my scent? I don’t mind letting her down easy, but I don’t even care about ditching her, either. She musta got my digits from her sister. Oh, and get this…this shit is the best. She wants me to go to her little brother’s little-league baseball tourney with the whole f#$%ing family, Bro. I hear you’re the dude who knows how to get things, so work your magic. What’s a pimp to do?
Hit me up…
Jared,
I can tell by your tone and limited vocabulary that you’re definitely not an English major, nor are you the contemporary to Shakespeare. Secondly, let me just say that is has always been beyond me as to how girls, even those of the illegal variety, can be attracted to guys who seemingly immerse themselves in Doucheology. With that being said, I still think I can help you with your problem, although I am not completely confident in my ability to prevent your impending incarceration.
This journey upon which I am asking you to embark does not involve you “ditching” this poor girl. Furthermore, it forbids you from engaging in any future fraternal debauchery of any kind. After all, that is what got you in this little predicament in the first place. Jared, to be honest, it sounds like you are a troubled young man who needs to realize the repercussions that stem from listening to your libido rather than your brain. I guess what I am trying to say, “Bro,” is that your party days are officially over. Lay down your life in favor of a higher power not named Keystone Light, and you shall find your way. Now, just hope your lady friend is as keen on contraceptives as she is pre-marital relations.
Note: I was a proud GDI in college, so I wasn’t required to call everyone “bro” or pay fees to acquire friends who I would call “bro.”
Famous Last Words
Congratulations to Greg Norman on a terrific and widely unexpected third-place finish at the 137th British Open at Royal Birkdale Sunday. The 53-year-old Aussie (and new husband to tennis legend Chris Evert), who hasn’t made a PGA Tour cut in over three years and hasn’t won a tournament since 1997, came out of obscurity to overcome three days of horrific weather conditions and emerge as the leader heading into Sunday’s final round.
Immediately following Thursday’s opening round, Norman—once decorated as the world’s top-ranked player for a then record 331 consecutive weeks—admitted that he had been playing the game sparingly in the months leading up to the Open. Numerous surgeries to his back and knees, in addition to an influx of talented youth on the Tour, have caused the avid entrepreneur to put golf in the rear view mirror and seek out other business ventures over the years. And sadly, as the sun finally peeked through the clouds and the wind died down, if only mildly, The Shark stumbled in his quest for a second Open title, finishing the tournament with a disappointing 77 (+7), and now threatens to resume his disappearing act.
One of the game’s most revered players came out of hiding and—much to our delight— showed us what the golfing world has been missing, if only for a few days.
Justin Timberlake: I’ve gotta hand it to you, buddy. Your smug, punkish diva attitude finally allowed you to accomplish something worthy of review outside of your thriving music career. From what I did see of Sunday’s ESPY Awards, your lack of ad lib humor proved that you can be as funny and as cordial in front of an A-list audience as anyone else given the right script far enough in advance.
And lastly, a warm congratulations to my long-time friend, Steve, and his lovely wife, Tara, who recently announced they are expecting their second child. The two are the proud parents of a beautiful 1-year-old girl, Elise.
Tags: British Open, Chris Evert, Congress, Craigslist, ESPY Awards, George Bush, Greg Norman, Justin Timberlake, Wolf Blitzer
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