Transformers 2: Do NOT See This Movie!!!

By: MODI

If I wrote a post everytime I saw a movie, this could become a movie review website. Although I prefer movies with strong dialogue (think “12 Angry Men”), depending on my mood I like to go out and see all kinds of movies of all genres.  I recently saw “Star Trek” and loved it. I just went to documentary film festival and saw “Facing Ali” and can’t wait until it hits HBO to watch it again. To wind down after a tough work-week, I am certainly not above watching mindless action-flicks — which is why I enjoyed the original “Transformers”.  Back then, Director Michael Bay gave me exactly what I expected: stuff getting blown up, some special effects, and some simple half-witty one-liners. To be clear, I walked into that theater yesterday with the lowest possible bar. Having stated that:

Showing “Transformers:  Revenge of the Fallen”  on a continuous loop should be the USA’s pre-interrogation technique of choice.

It would be both legal and more effective than waterboarding.

Perhaps you have heard some bad reviews on this movie. They were all understated. I don’t know if words could explain the multiple levels on just how bad this movie was. But I’ll give it a try anyway:

– I’m still dizzy!:  I had to stop looking at the screen many times because virtually every single shot is filmed in that rotating camera 360 degrees thing. This filming technique works well when used on occasion, but when used throughout an entire film can be maddening. It it wasn’t just limited to action scenes, but conversational scenes too.

– “Frenzied” is not substitute for “action”: The dizzy filming gave the illusion of action when nothing was actually happening. Viewers couldn’t even make out the action during the action scenes because Bay was shooting a different shot every .37 seconds. It was simply confusion. . I went to see the movie to NOT use my brain — and Bay still scrambled it up. 

– What Happened?:  Listen, no Oscar-winning script was expected here. This viewer would even have been content with just the obligatory testosterone-filled one-liners (think “300″). But there wasn’t even THAT. This movie made “I’ll be back!” sound like genius writing.

– Deja Vu All Over Again: After the first half hour or so, virtually every single scene was the same. 1) Sam and Mikaela run from mean robots; 2) cue explosions and gunfire; 3) Cue camera mayhem; 4) shift to Army talking or firing; 5) Sam and Mkaela dive to next point of temporary refuge in desert; 6) rinse and repeat 100 times.

– Inaudible Audio:  Either I went to the theater with the worst sound system or half the lines couldn’t actually be heard over gunfire. There was a lot of missed back and forth from the robots and from the army personell. Next time I would suggest subtitles.

– About Megan Fox:  Firstly, Ms. Fox is getting a full pass for her horrible acting because that was not why she was hired.  But is it even possible for a director to “overexpose” her? Michael Bay manages to pull this off. From the very first shot on, this could have doubled for a Saturday Night Live parody. This woman’s hair was blowing back more than a Michael Jackson video. And just how many dune ditches can you dive into amongst grenades, explosions and gunfire and come out a second later looking pretty enough for a model shoot?

– About Tyrese:  Honestly, it’s only been one day, and I can barely remember him in this movie. I think he said “we’re about to get our asses whooped” and maybe two or three other lines, but not much more…

– Other: Too many corny or eye-rolling scenes to mention…

In summary, I fully expected and accepted my intelligence to be insulted going in, so I only reserved two brain cells for the matter.  Michael Bay couldn’t even treat them with respect. I felt so dirty afterwards that the lady and I had to cleanse our soul by seeing “The Hangover” afterwards (very funny!).

There won’t be regular movie posts in this space, but if this offering could stop one single soul from wasting their hard-earned money during these recesion-filled times, then I know that I have made the world a better place.

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