Christmas came early for the Gifford household this year (me and my dad), my dad won a LCD HDTV at his company Christmas party this past Saturday, and subsequently, we upgraded our cable package. So we now get all the HD channels plus a bunch of other channels we didn’t get before. Included in the “bunch of other channels we didn’t get before” are the NFL Network, the MLB Network, and NBA TV. Being a crazy sports fan, now that we have those channels I can die a happy man. My girlfriend’s not particularly thrilled about me having those channels at my fingertips, because she’s afraid I won’t go to work. I might have to give her prophet status with her theory because I was almost late to work last week because I was watching a video recap from an old Super Bowl (just don’t tell her I said that). Anyway, these channels got me to thinking. Now that I have these channels of consistent sports at the tip of my index finger, what other sports channels do I want? What other channels can be on my cable package that can instantly entertain me whenever I turn them on and keep me glued to the television like all of America was when they tried to figure out if Janet Jackson’s breast was actually exposed during her Super Bowl halftime performance. I thought long and hard about this (I call this my Peter North Ponder, Google his name and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about) and I came up with three channels that I want on my cable package like…yesterday.

The channels that I created went through a rigorous testing process. (Basically this “rigorous” testing method consisted of me coming up with an idea for a channel, and then thinking, “Can I write six or seven lines about this channel?” And if the answer was yes, it made the list.) The channels that I came up with fit one of the following criteria:

1. The channel needs to be entertaining.

(And I’m not talking about the type of entertaining where you force yourself into being entertained. For example, you’re watching a tacky Christmas made-for-TV-movie with your family. The acting is terrible, you’ve poked so many holes in the story line that it’s now Swiss cheese, and you’ve never heard of the actors/actresses you’re watching. So to make the movie entertaining you either picture the lead female actress topless or re-create the ending of the movie to where a nuclear bomb gets dropped on everybody involved. From doing these two things, you’re making your own entertainment, so you’re forcing it. The channels I created are entertaining as soon as they are turned on.)

2. The channel needs to be sports related.

(How else could I put this column up on my “sports” blog if it wasn’t sports related?)

3. TIVO type programming.

(TIVO type programming means that there will be programs in which you need to tape because otherwise you will feel that you’re life is somehow empty without them.)

Bonus: Unintentional comedy

(I put this as a bonus because you don’t necessarily need this in order for a channel to be entertaining, but it sure does help.)

Okay, so now that we’ve set the parameters. Here are the channels that I want to be created.

1. Oakland Raiders 24/7

Why isn’t this a channel yet? What’s the biggest factor that draws people to watching reality television? The possibility that what they’re watching might turn into a complete s*&t show. People didn’t watch The Two Coreys because they wanted to dissect the symbiotic relationship between Corey Feldman and Corey Haim. (Not sure if there was one but it just sounded good) They watched the show because there was always potential for an unstable and drugged up Corey Haim to do something that might cause himself bodily harm. People don’t watch the show Cheaters because they want to see the couples involved to work their issues out and get therapy. They watch the show so they can see how bad the women beat up their husbands who cheat and how ugly the “other” woman is. Right now in Oakland, there is no possibility that this might turn into a train wreck. To keep with the train analogy, that train is long gone. The Oakland Raiders right now are the biggest train wreck in professional sports. The Raiders current coach was accused of punching one of his assistants in the face, they picked a wide receiver 5^th overall based upon how fast the guy ran in a 40 yard dash, and their owner is by far the craziest owner in all of sports. Controversy, incompetence, and the potential for anything to happen at any given time; again, how is this not a reality channel already? To set the channel up, cameras will be put in every room of the Oakland Raiders facility. But three main cameras will be focused upon for the majority of the channel’s content, the camera in Al Davis’ office, the camera in the locker room, and the camera in coach Tom Cable’s office. All cameras will have a boom mic attached to it to get all of the dialogue that goes on. I can envision it now. We cut to Al Davis taking a nap in his owner’s chair (he’s old, old people take naps), he’s sleeping peacefully, and then all of a sudden he violently wakes up. He screams loudly and calls his secretary into his office. The dialogue might go something like this:

Secretary: Mr. Davis are you okay?

Davis: I think so; I just had the weirdest dream.

Secretary: What was it Mr. Davis?

Davis: There was a white light in front of me, so I followed it. It lead me all the way to heaven. I got to the Pearly Gates and the Gatekeeper said to me, “We’ve been expecting you Mr. Davis.” Then I said that I wasn’t dead yet. Then the Gatekeeper said to me “Really? I could have sworn that I got the memo that all staff should be expecting you soon. Are you sure you’re not dead yet? I nodded my head yes. Then he said “Okay then, I’m gonna send you back down. By the way Mr. Davis, cut JaMarcus Russell. Then I woke up.

That’s good stuff right there. I can also envision seeing coach Tom Cable talking on the phone to one of his friends. “I can’t wait for that old hag to die so we can get a quarterback who knows what the hell he’s doing. I don’t know how many times I’ve told JaMarcus that the receiver is going to run a seam route this play, and then the idiot looks at his pants. Ugh! I get so mad at him sometimes that I just want to punch somebody.” For those two situations right there, I will pay any price for that to be in my channel lineup.

2. FBSN (Fail Blog Sports Network)

I don’t know about you, but when SportsCenter shows its Not Top Ten Plays of the week or month, I’m just as excited, if not more so, to watch it than the actual Top Ten Plays. As a society, we love to see people screw up and then laugh at it. If you think I’m wrong, then why are there television shows like America’s Funniest Home Videos and websites like Fail Blog? The answer is, we love to laugh at or be entertained by the misfortunes and failures of others. I say we get Fail Blog on board and call the channel the Fail Blog Sports Network to give it a current name that will draw a lot of young people to the network. This channel will cover all screw ups, small and large, from the history of sports. For example, one show that could be on FBSN is a weekly show that covers a variety of failures from the world of sports. “Top Ten Fails” will be a show that counts down the top ten fails in a certain category. I want the first show to be the top ten fails in regards to draft pick busts, just so I can see Rex Grossman up on a television screen with the words “EPIC FAIL” next to his picture. That thought right there puts a smile upon my face. Also the channel can have some serious documentaries behind it, for example, there can be an hour long documentary series named “Behind the Fail” that could cover topics such as Bill Buckner’s error in game 6 of the 1986 World Series or Steve Norwood’s wide right kick to end Super Bowl 25 and the aftermath of the miscues. For as many triumphs that there have been in the history of sports, there are more failures that I think could give this channel the content it needs to keep it’s lineup fresh, and more importantly, entertaining.

3. The MMA Channel

With all of the different promotions in Mixed Martial Arts, it’s really hard to keep up with all the news and notes from the different promotions. I know the UFC is the best and “The King” right now, but there are a lot of good fighters in other promotions. That’s why I feel that there needs to be an MMA channel that covers all of Mixed Martial Arts. I also think this will speed up the process of making MMA mainstream, because if there a channel just dedicated to Mixed Martial Arts, then people can tune in any time they want and introduce themselves to the sport and the big players in it. The channel will consist of SportsCentury type documentaries of great fighters, old pay per view events from the past, and shows dedicated to up and coming fighters that you haven’t necessarily heard about. There could also be days dedicated to certain promotions. For example, there can be a UFC day, Strikeforce day, or WEC day, where old pay per views of the promotions could be shown and shows dedicated to the big fighters from each promotion. I can honestly say that this channel would be on 24/7 at my house, and if I had this channel, along with the other sports channels I have now, my girlfriend might consider leaving me. Okay, she wouldn’t consider leaving. She just would leave. Immediately.

Just kidding about the girlfriend part,

I hate the BCS. I despise the BCS. What I want out of a computer: the ability to find my porn in under a minute, the ability find the Jersey Shore preview on You Tube where one of the “guidettes” gets cold-cocked in the face, and the opportunity to waste endless hours looking up random things on Wikipedia. What I don’t want out of a computer: it having the ability to decide the fate of young men ages 18-22, who dedicate everything to make it to a national championship game. I’ve screamed about this very topic since the BS’s (oops!), BCS’s inception back in 1998. How can a collegiate sports system that has March Madness, the Frozen Four, and the College World Series to look at for guidance, completely biff it so badly to where Congress is now throwing its two cents into the fold.

(On that topic, dear Congress, something tells me that you have better things to do than to speak about college sports. Seeing that we’re owned by China, unemployment is high, our boys our getting killed in Afghanistan, and your cracker jack Transportation Security Administration team inexplicably allowed their screening management procedures to be posted on the internet, you might want to think about your priorities. Just throwing it out there.)

Where was I? Ah, yes. The BCS STINKS! (I use that word instead of sucks because right now I’m listening to a Tony Kornheiser pod cast and that’s all he says. I will go on record to say that Tony Kornheiser is The Man). In a sport where young men create Lost type drama every regular season from playing their hearts out, how can you let a non-human decide the postseason. And as far as a non-human is concerned, no, I’m not talking about Red Sox owner John Henry, face it Nation, he looks like whatever a “non-human” is supposed to look like. But fortunately for all college football fans, I have come up with a playoff system that I believe appeals to all parties involved; the money hungry Bernie Madoffs who are worried that a playoff system won’t bring in as much money as the bowl system does, the people who actually decide the games on the field (the players), and most importantly, the fans. Out of anger and rage, I really wanted to call my system The Way That College Football Was Intended, but using the acronym of TWTCFWI was too long, hard to pronounce, and it looked too much like the Roman Numerals that’ll be used during the Super Bowl in the year 3578. Instead, I’m going to call my system the NCN; No Computers Needed. This system will make college football better than ever, put more money into the pockets of everybody, and lastly, will add 10 years onto the life of Mike Lupica of the New Daily News because he can stop screaming about the BCS every Sunday on the Sports Reporters.

The NCN will be a combination of two current postseason systems. To quote Abe Simpson, the NCN will take “A little from column A, a little from column B” with column A being the current BCS system and column B being March Madness. The Column A idea (BCS) that will be used is the idea that all BCS conference champions (ACC, Big Ten, Big XII, Big East, SEC, Pac-10) get to play in the postseason. The Column B ideas (March Madness) that will be used are that the NCN system will be an 8-team tournament system and there will be two at-large teams invited to the playoffs. Once the season is completed and all the BCS conference title games have been played, the six teams who win their respective conferences will automatically receive an invitation to play in the NCN tournament. To complete the 8-team playoff, there will be two at-large teams also invited to play in the NCN tournament. There will be guidelines for the NCN committee to adhere by when deciding whom the at-large teams will be for the 8-team tournament. They are as follows:

1. Any undefeated non-BCS school which has won their conference title outright or undefeated independent team who doesn’t play in a specific conference (Navy, Notre Dame, etc.), will be invited to the tournament.

(For example, Boise State and TCU this year, and Utah from a couple of years ago, would be automatically invited under this playoff system)

2. If there are more than two undefeated non-BCS or independent schools left, a decision will be made on which two teams have the best “body of work” to enroll them into the 8-team tournament.

“Body of Work” will include things like non-conference opponents, Coaches Poll and Media Poll Rankings, average win margin, difficulty of conference (or schedule for independent teams), and quality of wins. The teams who best exemplify these characteristics will be invited into the tournament.

3. If there are no more undefeated teams left, all one-loss teams will be considered (BCS conferences, Non-BCS conferences, and Independent schools). Items that will be considered for the one-loss teams are strength of schedule (or conference), average win margin, Coaches Poll and Media Poll rankings, and if they won their conference title.

(For example, if a one-loss TCU or Boise State team won their conference titles, and a one-loss Florida or Ohio State team did not, that would be taken into consideration. However, that wouldn’t be the only thing that the committee would consider).

4. If there are no more one-loss teams available, then all determining factors in number 3 will be considered for two-loss teams.

Now once the 8 teams are established, the NCN committee will determine the seeding for the tournament. There will again be guidelines for the seeding. They are as follows:

1. A team who has won a BCS conference title cannot receive lower than a #6 seed. The two at-large teams will receive the #7 and #8 seeds. This avoids the lower seeded teams playing each other early, leaving one of the potential Cinderella stories in the starting block. Like when the BCS committee matched up Boise State and TCU in the Fiesta Bowl, which might be one of the dumbest things ever done in collegiate sports. There’s a reason why the term David vs. Goliath was created, we like to see underdogs take on the big boys, not underdog against underdog. Once again, the BCS Cartel misses the target.

2. Seeds #1-6 will be determined based upon strength of schedule, strength of conference, average win margin, and Coaches Poll and Media Poll rankings.

Once all the seeds are determined, this will be the playoff format:

#1 seed (BCS conference champion) vs. #8 seed (At-large bid)

#2 seed (BCS conference champion) vs. #7 seed (At-large bid)

#3 seed (BCS conference champion) vs. #6 seed (BCS conference champion)

#4 seed (BCS conference champion) vs. #5 seed (BCS conference champion)

Once the match-ups are set, the top four seeds will then be entered into a lottery to determine where their first round games will be played. The Sugar, Fiesta, Rose, and Orange bowl locations will used as sites for first round games, keeping the tradition intact of these bowls being important during college football’s postseason. The semifinals and finals will also be played at a neutral site, but it will be the same site for both the semifinals and finals. For example, after the first round games are played, the remaining four teams will travel to the new Texas Stadium where the Cowboys play. One semifinal game will be played on Saturday, and one will be played on Sunday. Then in two weeks, the National Championship game will be played at Cowboys stadium. Now while I was in college, I needed an example of a new concept in order to remember it and understand it to the best of my abilities. Well have no fear, if the NCN were established; this is how it would look with this year’s teams.

Top 8 seeds in 2009-10 NCN Tournament:

#1- Alabama Crimson Tide

#2- Texas Longhorns

#3- Cincinnati Bearcats

#4- Oregon Ducks

#5- Ohio State Buckeyes

#6- Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

#7- TCU Horned Frogs

#8- Boise State Broncos

So then here would be the match-ups and locations of the first round games:

(So this was my highly technological way of determining the locations of the first round games. I took the names Alabama, Texas, Cincinnati, and Oregon and put them all into a hat, and then put the words Rose, Fiesta, Orange and Sugar into another hat. I then pulled a name of a bowl from one hat, followed by a school from the other hat to determine where teams would play in the first round.)

Sugar Bowl

#1 Alabama Crimson Tide vs. #8 Boise State Broncos

Rose Bowl

#2 Texas Longhorns vs. #7 TCU Horned Frogs

Orange Bowl

#3 Cincinnati Bearcats vs. #6 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

Fiesta Bowl

#4 Oregon Ducks vs. #5 Ohio State Buckeyes

So in a perfect world where Guinness was free, Heidi and Spencer wouldn’t have a career, Brett Favre would stay retired, and my NCN system would actually be a reality, the Sugar and Orange Bowls would be played on December 12^th, and the Rose and Fiesta Bowls would be played on December 13^th. Now again going with the “In a perfect world theme,” I would have the neutral site location for the semi-finals and finals be in Municipal Stadium: the Jacksonville Jaguars stadium. I would have it there because it would hopefully give Jacksonville a boost they desperately need because right now the interest in their NFL football team is pretty lacking. They’ve had some blackouts this year and this would be a shot in the arm to the city. The semi-finals would be played on December 19^th and 20^th; here are the match-ups that I think would occur:

December 19^th

#4 Oregon Ducks vs. #6 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

December 20^th

#1 Alabama Crimson Tide vs. #7 TCU Horned Frogs

Then, finally on January 4^th, the National Championship would be as follows:

January 4^th, 2010

#1 Alabama Crimson Tide vs. #4 Oregon Ducks

National Champion: #1 Alabama Crimson Tide

I picked a couple of pretty big upsets, so I guess I’ll explain myself. I’ll start first with my national champion Alabama; I think Alabama is the best team in the nation right now. They absolutely beat down the second best team in the nation (at the time) Florida 32-13, and the game wasn’t even that close. Alabama would run definitely run the gauntlet in my playoffs and be National Champion. Now I’ll explain upset #1; Georgia Tech beating Cincinnati. The man who led Cincinnati through 12 games this year, their coach Brian Kelly, left his team high and dry when he replaced Charlie Weis at Notre Dame early last week. I know Cincinnati came out and said that it wouldn’t be a distraction and they would play on without him. But in my opinion, it most certainly was a distraction due to the amount of people that came out and said that it wasn’t a distraction. In addition to that, they’re playing a team in Georgia Tech who runs the ball like it’s 1920 all over again and Cincinnati can’t stop the run. They proved that when they gave up around 200 yards to a freshman running back in their last game against Pittsburgh. Distraction + huge hole on defense = upset. Now onto upset #2; TCU beating Texas. This one might be a doozy for all you college football fans. I believe that Texas is highly overrated and I thought that going into last week’s game against Nebraska that Nebraska’s defense was going to punch Texas in the mouth and Texas wouldn’t know what to do. Check that one up in the “I was right” column. TCU has the same, if not better, smash mouth defense that Nebraska had and I think they would be able to stop Texas. It would definitely be a low scoring game because Texas has a tough defense also, but I think TCU would pull it out. Probably would be a 9-6, or 6-3 game.

I believe that this system would be the best of both worlds; definite and debate. You would have the definite teams who win their conferences entered in the playoffs, and the element of debate with the at-large teams. In addition, this system would make more money because the college football post-season would be extended, making the NCAA, the teams involved, and stadiums more money from ticket sales and advertising. The NCN would not get rid of all the other bowls that happen around or on New Year’s Day. They would have the same impact that they do now; they’re not as important as the BIG bowls, but they are a way for .500 teams and above to show off their talents to NFL scouts and get a feel of the bowl atmosphere. Lastly, this system would make the college football postseason about the teams, not about a computer system. Ultimately, championships need to determined on the field, not by a computer. There needs to be no debate, if there are undefeated teams who don’t get a chance to play for the national championship, that’s debatable. What if this team got a chance? What if that team got a chance? The NCN gives teams a chance, so there is no debate, and most importantly, no computer deciding it.

To use the words “prophet” and “Charles Barkley” in the same sentence might get you weird looks from some, if not most. But I will use those two items in the same sentence. Charles Barkley was a prophet during his 1993 Nike commercial when he said:

“ I am not a role model. I am not paid to be a role model. I am paid to wreak havoc on the basketball court. Parents should be role models. Just because I dunk a basketball, doesn’t mean I should raise your kids.”

- Charles Barkley

This commercial was very controversial at the time because a lot of people truly believed that athletes should be role models. The thinking was that kids watch sports and worship athletes, so in turn, athletes should always be aware of their actions and “think about the kids.” But I believe what Sir Charles said was correct, athletes are not role models. Over the years, we have seen many revered athletes get themselves into some pretty sticky and embarrassing situations. For example, Kobe Bryant in Colorado, Roger Clemens doing steroids, and recently Ben Roethlisberger in Lake Tahoe. But I think the final nail in the coffin to the “Athletes are Role Models” argument came a couple of weeks ago when Tiger Woods got into a whole lot of trouble. I don’t want to get into the whole situation, but the spark notes version is Elin Nordegren’s (Tiger’s Wife) bag isn’t the only bag that Tiger Woods has put his driver into. Tiger Woods was the last uber-duper popular athlete who seemed “perfect”; far and away the best in his field, wealthy one hundred times over and married to a Swedish supermodel. Like I said, perfect. But now these revealed indiscretions show a man who was loved and admired by many, but not faithful towards the one person who loved and admired him the most. For as embarrassing as this situation is for Tiger professionally and personally, and for as much grief this is going to cause his friends, family, and fellow golfers. I’m glad it happened.

Now before everybody screams about how insensitive I am, I will say the following. I am in no way glad about the pain and suffering Tiger’s family will go through in the coming months. I am in no way defending what Tiger did. Lastly, I am not glad about all the crap that Tiger will have to put up with from the global media. However, what I’m glad about is that the argument of “Athletes Are Role Models” is finally dead. How can it not be? One of the most popular athletes in the world, a man who was held in such high regard for his professional accomplishments and personal dedication, is an adulterer. A man, whose physical talents are off the charts, cannot do one of the things that defines a man, being a good husband. I believe that this finally says to society as a whole, professional athletes are not good role models. I’ve always said that athletes do not make good role models. They live entirely different lives from the rest of us, lives that we would never be able to comprehend if laid out in front of us. And the worse thing about athletes that prevent them from being role models, they’re people. People are flawed.

What makes professional athletes different from the rest of us? They make millions of dollars, they have physical abilities that the normal person can only dream about, and they play on television. But do you know what makes them the same as us regular folk. They’re people. That’s what we forget as a society sometimes. Athletes are people too. People have flaws. Just because professional athletes can dunk a basketball, throw 90+ miles an hour, catch a football one-handed, or sink a 40 foot putt; it doesn’t make them perfect. In this society, we glorify sports to the maximum. When athletes are good at what they do, we somehow assume that because the athlete is successful, that he or she is a good person. However, if it comes out that the athlete is not a good person, that can be crushing for any child who idolizes that athlete. Now I understand that because athletes make millions of dollars and are very popular, people expect athletes to take responsibility for their actions and be a community leader. And when they aren’t, people get angry. But in essence, what are athletes paid for? To perform on whatever court, field, rink, or stadium they’re playing in. That’s it. They’re performing a job. The community leader and responsibility stuff isn’t necessarily written into the contract. They don’t have to do these types of things. If you say that I’m wrong, look at somebody like Lakers forward Ron Artest. In his career he has caused the biggest fight in the NBA history, gone onto Jimmy Kimmel live only in his boxers, arrived to a playoff game only in his underwear, and admitted to drinking at halftime of his games. He still has a job. Why? Because he performs on the court, that’s it. If he were a poor to mediocre player, he would have been gone long ago. Do you want to instill into your child that if he or she becomes an athlete, and they’re rich and talented, they don’t have to worry about their conduct on or off the court? If you want another example, let’s take LeBron James. What is one thing that every parent teaches their child when they start playing sports; sportsmanship. Win or lose, congratulate the other team. At the end of every series in the NBA, the players from each team meet at center court and shake hands to show good sportsmanship. When the Cleveland Cavaliers lost to the Orlando Magic in game six of last year’s Eastern Conference Semifinals, LeBron left the court without shaking anybody’s hand from the Magic. Do you want to teach your child that just because you’re one of the best players in the sport you’re participating in, that it makes you better than shaking hands to show good sportsmanship? I didn’t think so. I think it’s better for children as a whole if their role model was someone out of the public eye. So they are not susceptible to their role model being scrutinized in the media. A role model is somebody you’re supposed to look up to; hearing otherwise could be crushing for a child. In no other place can a child be susceptible to hearing otherwise than in the world of sports.

I touched on this briefly, but another reason why athletes are not good role models is that you can’t relate to them. When I say relate to them, I mean in regards to their lifestyle. Being a role model to someone means people are able to relate to you. How can kids relate to a person who has millions of dollars, lives in a mansion, and can basically do whatever the hell they want? Kids can’t relate to that. Kids need to be able to relate to someone who closer to their level financially and geographically. Being a role model to someone also means that you have to be at a close enough distance to have an effect on a child’s life. Kids cannot be affected enough in a positive manner through commercials and post-game interviews. Kids also can’t call they’re favorite athlete at a moment’s notice when they have a problem going on in their life. They’re needs to be a person who the child can talk to and can confide in at the drop of a hat. Kids can’t go, “I’m having a problem with my math homework, I’m gonna call LeBron!! Or “This girl likes me at school, I’m gonna go call Kobe!! (DON’T DO THAT KID!! YOU MIGHT REGRET IT!! KNOW A GOOD LAWYER?)

I’m not trying to be preachy with my opinions, but I’ve always hated the fact that people expect athletes to be role models. Then when they don’t act as one, the parents blame the athlete for crushing the hopes and dreams of children who idolize them. Stop it. The athletes didn’t sign up to be role models. It’s the parent’s responsibility for knowing whom their children idolize and influencing who they look up to. Athletes are just like everybody else, they’re trying to be successful and get paid. Also, in no way am I saying that kids shouldn’t like athletes. Kids can like athletes. Kids can love athletes. Sports are a great release from the happenings of everyday life. Kids should appreciate athletes for their enormous talents, physical size, and charismatic personalities. But when it comes to role models, it should be someone who they can actually talk to, and someone who can actually affect their lives in a positive way.

However, Belichick’s decision being given a name got me to thinking. We are in a society where we like to give names to certain events in order to help us remember it. For example, Watergate, Spygate (no hate mail from Patriots fans please), The Catch, The Immaculate Reception, etc. And then I thought about some events that were arguably just as important for certain players and franchises, but were never given a name… until now. I’m going to give you some new names of important and/or dumb things that have happened in sports and how they affect specific players and teams.

1.      The Curse of Los Cabos

The Dallas Cowboys had one of their best seasons in franchise history during the 2007 season. The team went 13-3 and had home field advantage throughout the playoffs. The team was led Quarterback Tony Romo, who in the regular season played magnificently. He threw for 4,211 yards, with 36TD’s, 19INT’s and had a passer rating of 97.4; all statistics were career highs for Romo. All Romosexuals (which I just found out was a name for Romo fans in Dallas, and since it rhymes with a word that probably challenges the manhood of most male Dallas Cowboy fans, is that really a good nickname?) were definitely at the peak of their love affair with Tony Romo. During the season however, Romo starting seeing pop singer and perennial dumb blonde Jessica Simpson. All Cowboy fans alike were concerned and starting asking a lot of questions. Would Jessica Simpson distract Tony Romo from leading the Cowboys to their first playoff win since 1996? What kind of affect would their relationship have on the team? Can having a bottom of the barrel IQ be contagious and if so, how would it affect Tony Romo and is there a treatment for it? (All right, maybe I was the only one who was asking that question) Everything was going according to plan in Cowboy land. That is until the Cowboys off week leading up to the Divisional round of the playoffs. That’s when Romo, Simpson, and tight end Jason Witten decided to get away during the Cowboys off week and go to Los Cabos, Mexico to unwind. They expected it to be a relaxing and soothing week off, when back in the states all it did was create a whirlwind of criticism and controversy. NFL analyst after NFL analyst commented on Romo going away from the team on his week off. All of the controversy and questions could have been dispersed of with a win by the Cowboys during the Divisional Playoffs against the hated New York Giants. However, that did not occur. The heavy underdog Giants went into to Texas stadium and upset the Cowboys 21-17. Romo received an insane amount of criticism during the offseason, including being slapped with the tag of “Not Able To Win The Big Game.” The Cowboys have really never looked the same since that game, and Tony and Jessica’s relationship, like Jessica’s singing career, came to an end.

2.      The Heist of Pau Gasol

I type this title with a complete smile on my face. This is the trade that allowed the Los Angeles Lakers to win their 15^th NBA Championship in 2009. On February 1, 2008, the Lakers acquired forward/center Pau Gasol from the Memphis Grizzlies for center Kwame Brown, guard Javaris Crittenton, guard Aaron McKie (who they signed that day), the draft rights to Marc Gasol and first round picks in 2008 and 2010. Let that set a moment… So the Los Angeles Lakers, who were on the verge of winning a title but needed that final “piece,” got a player in Gasol who consistently put up 19 points and 9 rebounds a game. They were able to do this without giving up Lamar Odom, Andrew Bynum or Jordan Farmar. In addition to that, they were able to get rid of the abomination of a basketball player that was Kwame Brown, a guy who wasn’t going to play much in Crittenton and a guy that didn’t play a game yet in Aaron Mckie. So, technically they were able to obtain a piece for their championship run by giving up draft rights to one player and two first round picks. It was a steal. Actually, I’m not going to call it a steal, I’m calling it a heist. You steal $1000 or a fancy car, but a heist is when you take millions of dollars at a time or a rare ruby or diamond that’s worth an entire country. The Lakers were able to take the best player on the Memphis Grizzlies, make him their own, and not give up any sort of talent in return. It might have been better for the Grizzlies if the Lakers had kidnapped Gasol and refused to give him back. That way the Grizzlies could have used the excuse of “We can’t do anything because we were not reimbursed.” However, in this case, they were reimbursed, if that’s what you want to call it. This trade sparked so much outrage, that San Antonio Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich said the day of the trade, “What they did in Memphis is beyond comprehension. There should be a trade committee that can scratch all trades that make no sense. I just wish I had been on a trade committee that oversees NBA trades. I would have voted no to the LA trade.” So this trade was so bad, that other coaches came out and said that this trade was an abomination of the word “trade”. Fallout from the trade was as follows: the Lakers got the piece to the puzzle they needed and the Grizzlies…continued to suck. Grizzlies General Manager Chris Wallace has become synonymous with this trade; he might in fact be more famous for this trade because of the sheer incompetency that was shown on February 1, 2008. So for every western conference title or NBA title that the Lakers win from here on out, you can thank Chris Wallace. Believe me, I do every day.

3.      Mission Incompetancy

This one is recent but it’s still a doozy. In the 2009 NFL draft, with the 7^th overall pick, the Oakland Raiders selected Maryland wide receiver Darrius Heyward-Bay. That statement really doesn’t have any hint of stupidity when you say it, but when you start to look into it, it reeks of stupidity like a wet fart does in the shower. Going into the draft, Heyward-Bay was projected to be drafted late in the second round or in the early third round by all analysts at ESPN. But the genius that Al Davis is decided to pick Heyward-Bay seventh overall. And what was the main reason why Al Davis picked a guy who was projected to go in the 2^nd or 3^rd round 7^th overall; he had the best 40 yard dash time in the draft. (When I just typed that sentence, it somehow sent a shockwave into my brain and prevented me from doing anymore work on this piece for about twenty minutes due to my brain reading something so stupid that it stopped working.) All right, I’m back now. Not only did they draft Heyward-Bay high in the draft, they also gave him a $38.5 million dollar contact, with $23.5 million of that guaranteed money. So basically the Raiders gave $38.5 million to a wide receiver who could run fast. Never mind that the guy had shady hands at best, he didn’t have the best attitude coming out of college, and was inconsistent throughout his three years at Maryland. Drafting Heyward-Bay because he was fast, is like giving a Sales job to a homeless guy on the street because he was great at convincing people to give him their spare change. I would tell you how the decision turned out and how well Heyward-Bay is doing, but I haven’t heard a damn thing from him all season. Maybe the reason why I haven’t heard from him this season is because he only has 6 catches for 96 yards. So the Raiders so far this year have paid Heyward-Bay $1.3 million dollars per catch. Come to think of it, I’m starting to become a Raiders fan and not like this guy. Not because I think he’s a bust, (which he is I might add) but because I’ve had to use a hyphen while typing his last name 6 times during this blurb.

4.      The Miscalculation of Ron Artest

Seeing that I wrote one of these as a positive for the Los Angeles Lakers, I guess I have write a negative one too. I named this “The Miscalculation of Ron Artest” because of the fact that Ron Artest thought that this was a loving rap tribute to his idol Michael Jackson, when in fact it might be the greatest piece of comedy ever recorded. See for yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcZaf8LAxvI

Being a Red Sox fan, I know that making comparisons between the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox is blasphemy at its finest. Yankee fans want nothing to do with Red Sox comparisons and vice versa. It’s like comparing an elegant, captivating, and downright gorgeous woman (Red Sox) to her ugly, monotonous, and downright rod-shrinking sister (Yankees). It’s like comparing George Carlin to Carrot Top. Lastly, it’s like comparing the IQ’s of women who date Derek Jeter to the women who date Tony Romo (Jessica Simpson has dated Tony Romo… I rest my case). But for as much as it pains me to say this, the personalities of the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox have switched. It’s almost like that movie Freaky Friday, except I’m sure that the Red Sox and Yankees switching personalities would make a better movie. The New York Yankees, who at one time were rigid, boring and business-like, are now vivacious, enthusiastic, and happy to be playing baseball. Oppose that to my Red Sox, who at one time were happy-go-lucky, playful, and carefree, now seem tightly wound, serious, and way too intense.

Prior to this year, whenever you thought of the New York Yankees, you always thought of the type of team that was led by manager Joe Torre. Where the players were always clean shaven, showing no enthusiasm, and acting as though they were at work instead of playing a kid’s game. For as boring as those teams were, the formula seemed to worked. The Yankees won four World Series titles in a five year span (1996, 1998, 1999, 2000) and was definitely the baseball team of the nineties, and maybe the best professional team in the nineties. The New York Yankees team of the oughts (crappy name for the 2001-2010 era I know, but nobody has come up with a better name for it yet) definitely had the same personality, but not the same success. They made it to the World Series in 2001 and 2003 but came home empty handed both times. If that wasn’t painful enough, in 2004 they were the first professional baseball team to ever lose a playoff series after winning the first three games. Oh, and by the way, did I mention that they accomplished this feat against the hated Red Sox. (That little occurrence I like to call either “And The Pamela Anderson Award for Blowing The Big One Goes To…The New York Yankees” or “The New York Yankees…Defining Deep Throating Excellence by Choking Under Pressure.”) So the business all the time, epitome of professionalism Yankees didn’t seem to have the magic touch they did in the nineties. But then something unthinkable happened, something that I never thought I would see. The captain of the Yankee vessel, Joe Torre, stopped being the manager of the team. It wasn’t exactly at that moment, but the wheels were in motion for the Yankees to take on a different personality. It started with the hiring of a new manager, who was a former Yankee catcher, that transformed the Yankees into a different bunch. A bunch that took on more characteristics of certain “idiots”, rather than the boring Yankees of old.

In 2008, The New York Yankees hired Manager Joe Girardi, who only two years prior almost led the Florida Marlins ($14 million payroll) to a wild card birth. Also in 2006 Girardi was named National League Manager of the Year for the Marlins. When Girardi took over in 2008, it just seemed to me that the Yankees were a different ball club. They didn’t seem as rigid as they previously did under Joe Torre. But that didn’t turn into results right away and for the first time in 14 years the Yankees did not make the postseason. A lot of people wanted Girardi’s head on a platter, but General Manager Brian Cashman and what was left of George Steinbrenner were patient with Girardi, and that definitely paid dividends for the Yankees this year. During the 2009 season, the Yankees went on to win 103 games and the American League Eastern Division. They eventually turned a division title into a World Series title, beating the Philadelphia Phillies in 6 games to win their 27th World Series title.  Something was significantly different about the way the Yankees won games, it seemed as though they were enjoying what they were doing. From Nick Swisher keeping everybody loose in the club house, to A.J. Burnett throwing shaving cream pies into the faces of players who had game winning hits, to even Yankee captain Derek Jeter cracking a smile from time to time. They New York Yankees actually acted like…ball players. Even Alex Rodriguez, who has always looked nervous to be in his own skin, never mind in Yankee pinstripes, looked comfortable. There was even a point in the season where Derek Jeter pointed at Alex Rodriguez and smiled, so you knew that this was a different Yankees team.  It seemed as though that the hated Yankees have switched personalities with my beloved team, who have gone from carefree and enthusiastic to business like and monotonous.

From 2004 to 2007, the Boston Red Sox were probably the most entertaining team to watch , not only in Major League Baseball, but in all professional sports. It looked as though this team consisted of a bunch of big kids going out on the baseball diamond and just having fun. Look at the 2004 team and the characters that were on that ball club. Let’s start off with first baseman and outfielder Kevin Millar. If there was ever an “idiot” to signify “the idiots,” it was that “idiot.” It looked as though the only care that guy had was the menu selection at the next buffet. But with that carefree attitude came a sense of leadership; I know that statement is a bit of an oxymoron but hear me out. It didn’t matter how bad a situation looked, Millar always seemed to keep the clubhouse loose and not let guys get too tight. For example, when the Red Sox were down 3-0 to the New York Yankees in the 2004 ALCS, it was Millar who coined the name “The Idiots” for the team. That name was almost the Red Sox’s rallying cry for the rest of the postseason, and from then on they went 7-0, winning the first World Series for the Red Sox since 1912. Now let’s look at the 2007 team; I would say the two characters on this ball club were David Ortiz and Dustin Pedroia. David “Papi” Ortiz was on the 2004 team as well and continued his vibrant and optimistic personality into the 2007 season. With his warming smile, gapped grin, and round shape, Ortiz looked more like a teddy bear you found on a 6 year old’s bed than a baseball player playing in the hot stove of Boston. With every game that the Red Sox won, and with every home run that Papi hit, his grin got wider and his personality more vibrant. Next is Dustin Pedroia, who’s first full season was in 2007. Dustin Pedroia is listed as 5’8”, which is similar to Pat Williams for the Minnesota Vikings being listed as 340 pounds, in both cases the number was a vast misrepresentation of what the actual number was. But for as small as Pedroia is, he made up for it in confidence, hustle, and grit. During that season the Red Sox played the San Francisco Giants, and it’s reported that when former Giant Barry Bonds was on second base, Pedroia went up to him and said “I’m sorry I broke all your records.” Pedroia and Bonds both played at Arizona State University, and did in fact have more hits, runs and doubles than Barry Bonds. Pedroia hustled everywhere, even to first base after a walk. It was his personality, almost cocky but willing to back it up, that helped the Red Sox build their team character in 2007. This aided the Red Sox to another World Series title, sweeping the Colorado Rockies to their 2nd title in 4 years. These type of personalities made up the Red Sox, a cast of characters that people seemed to gravitate towards and follow with a vast dedication.

However in the last couple of years, the Red Sox have lacked the luster that made them media darlings in 2004 and 2007. Gone were the endearing personalities, and in there place their were robotic players who didn’t have any personality whatsoever. By this time the team had let go of outfielder Johnny Damon, who might have embodied the carefree spirit of the 2004 Red Sox better than anybody. By the World Series, he looked like that millennium version of Jesus and was the leader of “the idiots”. The Red Sox replaced Damon with players like Jacoby Ellsbury and JD Drew, who are very skilled players, but have the personalities of white bread. There was nothing exciting about them, they didn’t have the Damon carefree spirit or the Millar goofy sense of humor. Even the players that were on the 2007 team lost their luster. In the second half of 2008 and the first half of 2009 David Ortiz went through a slump of massive proportions. Ortiz looked like a shell of his former self, gone was the smile, gone was the endearing person Red Sox nation grew accustomed to. The former teddy bear Sox fans knew in 2004 and 2007, now looked as though he didn’t have any stuffing inside of him and all that was left was the skin. Then it was revealed that Ortiz was on the 2003 list of players who tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. Any hope of seeing the old “Papi” vanished, and we have yet to see 2004 or 2007 David Ortiz in quite a while. Dustin Pedroia, who always seemed to have a smile on his face, seemed way too intense this season and didn’t seem like he was having fun. It looked like Pedroia was just going through the motions, not playing with any passion or spirit. Even Kevin Youkalis, who always plays with intensity, seemed to be arguing and yelling at umpires more often this year. The 2008 and 2009 Red Sox didn’t seem to have fun playing the kid’s game of baseball. They seemed like the Joe Torre, monotonous Yankees of old. Perhaps since the New York Yankees have won their first World Series title since 2000, maybe this will light a fire under the Red Sox. Because as of late, it seems as though nothing else has done the trick.

Halle-freaking-elujah!!!! Last NBA Preview column!! And before you ask, it’s definitely not a coincidence that I waited to do this division last. You’ll know why in a second. My apologies for not getting all the previews out before the season, but there’s only been 6 or 7 games played by each team, so it wasn’t that far off. Now onto the Western Conference Pacific Division!!!!

1. LA Lakers

2. Phoenix Suns

3. LA Clippers

4. Sacramento Kings

5. Golden State Warriors

1. LA Lakers (61-21)

There was a part of me that wanted to put 82-0 for the Lakers record this year just to infuriate all Celtics fans who read my stuff, but I decided otherwise. Mainly because I still want all Celtics fans to read my stuff and be fans of my blog. You see, there’s being a Lakers fan living in Massachusetts, and then there’s just being stupid. I definitely didn’t want to go with the latter. It was definitely a turmoil filled offseason for the defending champion (love saying that) Los Angeles Lakers. First, ingenious General Manager Mitch Kupcheck (about as ingenious as Kanye West thinking that trashing Taylor Swift at the VMA’s was a great PR move) decided to not re-sign forward Trevor Ariza. So Kupcheck decided to not re-sign a guy who always defended the best player on the other team (leaving Kobe Bryant to roam and stay rested for offense), usually shut down the best player from the other team, hit more than his share of big three pointers down the stretch, and seemed like the prototypical “glue” guy: didn’t care about stats, did anything to win, and loved being a part of the Lakers team. At that point I thought, “Well then, if Kupcheck’s not going to re-sign Ariza, he probably plans on bringing in somebody a lot better.” Two and a half weeks later I read on espn.com “Lakers sign Ron Artest to three year deal.” WHAT!!!! THAT’S NOT “BETTER”!!!! HOW THE F*&K IS THAT “BETTER”!! After I read that headline, I wanted to go to fmylife.com and submit “The Lakers just signed Ron Artest today. The man who started the biggest brawl in NBA history. The man who made the song MJ (Michael Jackson) is my n*gga. FML.” So far during Ron Artest’s career, he has been the complete opposite of Trevor Ariza. He’s never been a team player, he has consistently broken set plays to jack up ridiculous shots, and oh yeah…he’s insane. After the Artest signing, I thought that the offseason couldn’t get much worse. Screwed again. Lakers owner Jerry Buss then played hardball with free agent at the time Lamar Odom. Odom really had a good season coming off of the bench for the Lakers and even started in the playoffs when center Andrew Bynum was injured. Buss and Odom pretty much had a deal done until Buss found out that Odom (who was a free agent, meaning he can talk to whatever team he wants) was also talking to Dallas and Miami. Once Buss found out that Odom was talking to other teams, he took the deal off the table and refused to talk to Odom. They eventually got the deal done, but it took Odom almost signing with Miami to put the ink on the contract. I then thought, “What else can happen?” What can happen, only the worst thing that could ever be imagined; a Laker marrying a Kardashian. Lamar Odom married Khloe Kardashian in September after only knowing each other for about a month. So the Lakers offseason moves area as follows: lose Ariza, gain Artest, gain overweight and ugly Kardashian. Ugh!!! I think I just threw up in mouth a little. Good thing that they already had a good team intact, otherwise there would be a consistent head print on the wall in my room. Good news for the Lakers, Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol are back and Andrew Bynum is 100% healthy. I would say that the Kobe Bryant/Pau Gasol duo is probably top 3 in the league. The day that Pau came to the Lakers in “The Steal of The Century”, that automatically made Kobe a better player. With Gasol, there was finally a player that could take the weight off of Kobe’s shoulders. And Kobe, well, who had a better playoffs than Kobe Bryant last summer. You could tell he was on a mission and he wasn’t stopping until he got his ring. Center Andrew Bynum was having a career year last year until he injured his knee, keeping him out for the rest of the year. From the first 7 games, he looks healthy, in shape, and ready to dominate. I believe, however, that there are two big questions for the Lakers; Ron Artest’s attitude and Kobe Bryant’s health. With the track record that Artest has, is he willing to fit into a team mold and put winning ahead of everything else? Or will he revert back to his “old ways,” which is breaking plays, putting up poor shots, and being insane. Only time will tell. Secondly, how much longer is Kobe Bryant going to stay healthy? The last couple of years, Kobe Bryant has played a lot. With going to two straight NBA Finals and playing in the Olympics, those must are a lot of games for his body to handle. I understand that he’s one of the most physically fit players in the league, but you’re always susceptible to injury with the type of physicality Bryant plays with. Again the answer to that question will be answered in time. All in all, the Lakers have a lot of talent on their team, and they should be able to grab a number one or two spot in west come playoff time.

2. Phoenix Suns (47-35)

In my opinion, if the Phoenix Suns want to make a run at a title, they better make it soon. Point guard Steve Nash is coming towards the end of his career and there’s a chance that Amar’e Stoudemire won’t be with the team next year. In looking at the Suns, I would put them under the “Addition by Subtraction” category. Their big addition this offseason was getting rid of Shaquille O’ Neal. It was a gamble when they traded for him a year and a half ago, and that gamble definitely came up short. He completely disrupted the entire team; from the tempo, to the team chemistry. With O’ Neal gone, the Suns can now play their style of basketball, shoot first and ask questions later. The Suns don’t have as many shooters as they’ve had in the past; however they still have a lot of firepower. Along with Nash and Stoudemire, Leandro Barbosa and Jason Richardson give the team some long distance range. Barbosa is a great guy to bring off the bench with his quickness and shooting ability, and Jason Richardson kind of gave the Suns a shot in the arm when he came from the Charlotte Bobcats via trade last year. Richardson plays a Suns style of game; attacking the basket with ferocity and long range capabilities. One addition that the Suns did make in the offseason was they acquired forward Channing Frye via free agency. Frye was drafted by the New York Knicks and played the last two seasons with Portland Trail Blazers. Frye has really never lived up to his expectations set out for him when he was drafted by the Knicks in 2005, however, the Suns are very high on him and they see him contributing heavily to their team. There are two big questions for the Suns that seem to always be present before a season; can the Suns play any defense and will Amar’e stay healthy. The Suns downfall has always been that they can’t stop anybody on defense. I’ve joked in the past that the Suns could play a 5-0 game and still give up 100+ points. Can the Suns get defensive stops down the stretch to win games? This question will definitely way heavily in regards to them making a stretch run into the playoffs. The second questions is Amar’e Stoudemire’s health. Stoudemire has developed the title of “Injury Plagued” in the past couple of years. Amar’e needs to stay healthy for the Suns to have any shot in the West. I think the Suns have a good year, but I think they get knocked out of the playoffs in the first or second round.

3. LA Clippers (42-40)

The only reason that I put the Clippers third in this division is they’re the team I hate the least out of them, Sacramento and Golden State. They took a huge hit when rookie stud Blake Griffin cracked his knee cap in the preseason and will be out probably for another 4 or 5 weeks. This sets the team back a lot considering Griffin was an important piece for them to make a run at a playoff spot in the west. However, when Griffin comes back, he will definitely make the Clips fun to watch. Griffin was a high flying, shot blocking, dunking machine when he played for Oklahoma and the Clippers hope that he does that when wearing Red and White. Along with Griffin, Rasual Butler and Eric Gordon should the give the Clippers and outside complement to Griffin’s inside game. Also, center Chris Kaman is having an All-Star type season so far, averaging 23 points and almost 10 rebounds a game. I believe the wild card in all of this is guard Baron Davis. If he feels like playing and stays in shape for the entire season, he could really give the Clippers a chance to make get a playoff berth. Davis was at one time one of the most dynamic players in the NBA and if he can give the Clippers a small piece of what he once was, they’ll be all set. Also, spoiler alert, don’t be surprised if LeBron James signs with the Clippers as a free agent this offseason. LA is the big market LeBron’s looking for, the team has good young players, and there’s better young talent in LA than Cleveland in my opinion. Let’s just hope Donald Sterling sells the team to make sure that it’s a slam dunk that LeBron will go there next year.

4. Sacramento Kings (32-50)

5. Golden State Warriors (32-50)

These teams have two things in common, they’re both from California and they’re both going to suck this year. There’s young talent on both of these teams, but it’s going to be a long ways away before each team is competitive. I would say that the Warriors might be a little more entertaining because of the whole Steven Jackson, Don Nelson saga. But that’s pretty much it. Not much good to say about each of these cellar dwellers.

Four down, two to go!!! No time for chit chatter. Let’s go!

Western Conference Southwest Division

1. San Antonio Spurs

2. Dallas Mavericks

3. Houston Rockets

4. New Orleans Hornets

5. Memphis Grizzlies

1. San Antonio Spurs (61-21)

In my opinion, this is the only team that can prevent the Lakers from going to the NBA Finals for the third straight year. The Richard Jefferson acquisition for them was huge. Everybody talked about the moves Orlando, Boston, Cleveland, and Los Angeles (Lakers, because who really talks about the Clippers) made and the Spurs picking up Jefferson kind of went under the radar. However, the Spurs trading for Jefferson was just as significant, if not more so, than any of the other moves the previous four teams made. This now gives the Spurs another weapon to throw at teams in the west. RJ can pretty much do it all, he can post up, hit the mid range jumper, shoot well from three, and he’s a pretty good defender. Adding him to the already established trio of Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker should give the rest of the NBA shivers down their collective spines. Speaking of those three, I think that Duncan, Ginobili and Parker will have their most productive years this upcoming season. They are all rested, and healthy, which is a very important thing for this bunch. There always seems to be some nagging injury that hurts one of those three every year. Everybody in the trio is healthy and ready to go. From those three, I think that Tim Duncan will be the MVP of the league this year. I believe that Duncan has one more monster year left in him, and plus I’m sure it’s extra motivation when a lot of people said he’s on the decline based upon the last couple of years he’s had statistically. I think I might be on to something with “Timmah” (insert South Park Voice here) winning the MVP award because the second game of the season he scored 28 points and grabbed 16 rebounds. Those are old school Tim Duncan numbers. In addition to everything, I think the Spurs made away with a steal when they drafted former University of Pittsburgh forward DeJuan Blair. This guy was a stud last year for the Panthers, and whenever he played former Uconn center Hasheem Thabeet (who was drafted second overall by the Memphis Grizzlies) Blair put a whooping on Thabeet. Blair fits the San Antonio system perfectly; he bangs on the low block, is able to rebound at will, and plays tough defense. So far this season Blair’s averaging 8.3 points and 8.3 rebounds in 20.7 minutes a game. Blair’s play should also help out Duncan, if Blair’s great play continues, this can give Duncan more rest and he can be healthy and rested for another potential playoff push. With the big four (Duncan, Ginobili, Parker and Jefferson), Blair coming off of the bench, and veterans Michael Finley and newly acquired Antonio McDyess contributing heavily, this Spurs team might be the most deep and talented team they’ve had to date. Definitely put this team in the top three spots of the Western Conference come playoff time.

2. Dallas Mavericks (52-30)

From acquiring forward Shawn Marion, it looks as though the Mavericks are loading up to make a run at the title this year. But yet, haven’t we said that same statement about the Mavericks for the last 4 or 5 years? From looking at their roster, they better make a run at this thing eventually, because they have a lot of aging guys whose windows of opportunity are closing. Jason Terry and Shawn Marion are entering their 10^th year, Jason Kidd is entering his 15^th, and Dirk Nowitski is entering his 11^th season. The acquisition of Marion was a good one in my opinion; it gives them a decent defender on the perimeter, which is good for the Mavs because there always looking for defense. When I look at the Mavs, I keep saying to myself “This team should be good. But why am I always hesitant to believe in them?” Oh yeah that’s right, the reason why I can’t believe in them is because they fall apart every year!!! For as good as the Mavs are annually, there’s always something that happens during the year, or in the playoffs, that makes them fall apart. For instance, in game three of their playoff series with the Denver Nuggets last May. It’s the end of the game and it’s a close, you know who’s getting the ball for the Nuggets; Carmelo Anthony. Denver has the ball, out of bounds play, down two, with seconds to go. You can’t let Melo get the ball or if he does, foul the crap out of him. Not only did Dallas let Melo get the ball, they didn’t foul him hard enough, and let him hit a three to win the game for the Nuggets. That right there was the turning point of the series. Dallas ended up losing in five games. Going into this year I think the Mavs will be good, they have a lot of talented guys (as usual) and will put up points. However, the big question mark I have is coach Rick Carlisle. This team is set up to run and be an up tempo type team. Carlisle’s teams always play half-court offense and walk the ball up the court. How much will he let his team run, and will he give up some of his philosophy. If he lets this team run and gun, I think the Mavs will be scary. However, if he forces them to play half-court offense, I think Dallas will struggle. They don’t have the consistent shooters or the defensive stoppers to play a half court style of basketball.

3. Houston Rockets (44-38)

I think any chance of this team contending went away when it was reported that their center Yao Ming was going to miss the season with a foot injury. Besides rookie center David Anderson, the Rockets do not have anybody above 6’9”. This leaves the Rockets heavily undersized, and in my opinion they won’t be able to compete with the bigger teams like San Antonio, Los Angeles, and Dallas to a certain extent. However, the Rockets have a lot of positive momentum coming into this year. They took the Los Angeles Lakers to a seventh game last year and played them hard the entire series. Guard Aaron Brooks and forward Chuck Hayes really played well for the Rockets in the postseason and they basically carried their as far as they went. In the offseason, they let go of guard/forward Ron Artest and picked up forward Trevor Ariza. This was a very good acquisition for the Rockets in my opinion. Ariza is a great on-the-ball defender and can hit threes with consistency. Ariza was one of the reasons why the Lakers won the title last year. He always guarded the best guy for the other team, leaving Kobe Bryant the ability to be a roamer on defense and save up his energy for the offensive end. I believe that Ariza, along with forward/center Luis Scola will have great years for the Rockets. With Yao Ming out, Scola will get a lot of playing time and contribute nicely for the Rockets. The one question mark I have, and the one that everybody has every season, is Tracy McGrady. Can he stay healthy enough to give this team a legitimate scoring threat? With the way that his career has gone, the answer points to no. McGrady has never played an 82 game season in his career, and last year he only played 35 games before calling it a season due to a injured knee. He hasn’t played a game this season because of the same knee. I say the Rockets are competitive, but can’t get over the hump due to them not having Tracy McGrady to give them a threat.

4. New Orleans Hornets (41-41)

Do you think if I say that the Hornets and Chris Paul won win a ring this year he’ll come and hunt me down to confront me? If that’s the case, he better pick up frequent flyer miles because a lot people are saying the same thing I am all around the country. First off, I hated the trade to move center Tyson Chandler to Charlotte for center Omeka Okafor. I know there was drama with Chandler last season for the Hornets, but I think they could have easily worked things out to keep him. The Hornets are a young, athletic team that likes to run up and down the court and throw alley-oops. The main guy that Chris Paul would throw oops to was Tyson Chandler. If you are doing everything in order to try and keep Chris Paul happy, than why are you taking away one of his favorite targets to pass the ball too? It doesn’t make sense to me at all. Okafor is a nice player, but stylistically he doesn’t fit with the team. Paul still has forward David West to throw the ball to, but other than those two, I don’t think that the Hornets have any other threats. Peja Stojakovic is affective only when he’s open and when you put a guy on him he’s irrelevant. James Posey is a good role guy coming off of the bench but I don’t think he can be affective if he plays 30 plus minutes a game. Chris Paul will have his season of averaging 20 points, and 10 assists a game because he’s a franchise caliber player. But I’m afraid he’s going to need some help for the Hornets to make any noise in the Western Conference. Looking at their team, I don’t think he’s going to get it.

5. Memphis Grizzlies (27-55)

I have a funny feeling that this year’s season for the Grizzlies is going to be one of frustration and turmoil. There’s going to be frustration because the Grizzlies are very young, and they’re going to lose a lot of games this year. There will be turmoil because of two words; Allen Iverson. He’s already complaining because he’s coming off the bench and Iverson says he’s not a bench guy. News flash Allen, you’re not that good anymore!!! You’re old, not as good as you once were, and a pain in the ass to boot. You’re no longer “The Answer,” you’re now “The Answer to the question of: Who’s extremely old, a pain in the ass, and hasn’t gotten the memo that his career is basically over?” Moving away from that has-been, I think that Marc Gasol, Zac Randolph and O.J. Mayo (cause he’s on my fantasy team) will have stand out years for the Grizz. I will even go so far as to saying the Randolph will win comeback player of the year. I say that because the offense will pretty much run through him, and I think he’s motivated this year. I heard multiple preseason reports that he came into camp in shape and looked like he had “the look.” I think that things are looking up for the Grizz, and in a couple years this team should be competitive. As for right now, keep plugging away Memphis Grizzlies, and trade “The Has-Been,” you’ll be better off for doing it.

I understand that the season’s already started, but I’m determined to finish the second half of my NBA Preview this week. I know I said I wanted to finish last week, and I didn’t. I know I’m saying that I’ll finish this week, but I promise you (my readers), that I WILL finish this preview and you will be entertained without a shadow of a doubt! By the way, is there a chance I can go back and change what I wrote about the Cleveland LeBrons? (I refuse to call them the Cavaliers until somebody other than LeBron plays a decent game of basketball against a good team. So I’m naming them after the only player who shows up consistently) After three games the LeBrons are 1-2, and they got their butts handed to them by the Celtics and the Raptors (whom I picked to be the sleeper in the east). Shaq’s fat, Mo Williams is a ghost, and Zydrunas Ilgauskas is still…Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Even if this ship does sink early, at least we’ll still have the “Who’s got more chins, Shaq, or a Chinatown phonebook?,” and “In a Celebrity Biggest Loser draft, 1-2 odds Shaq goes first!!” jokes to keep us entertained. Now, on to the Western Conference Northwest Division!!!!!!!!

1. Denver Nuggets

2. Portland Trail Blazers

3. Oklahoma City Thunder

4. Utah Jazz

5. Minnesota Timberwolves

1. Denver Nuggets (54-28)

Okay, so most of you might not believe me on this. But before I started writing the NBA Previews, I did map out what I thought was going to happen in each division. In this division, I still think the Nuggets are the team to beat. And what do you know; they’re 3-0 coming out of the gate. However, I couldn’t see coming how much of an absolute beast Carmelo Anthony would be in the early going. So far in 3 games he’s averaging 37.7 points per game, shooting 54% from the field and 43% behind the arc. If Melo plays this way throughout the season, the Nuggets might contend for a top playoff spot in the west and Melo might be holding up his first MVP trophy. Another reason why I like this team is Chauncey Billups. Was there a more significant trade last year than him going to the Nuggets? As soon as Billups arrived in Denver, you could tell the Nuggets were a different team and they were automatically contenders in the west. Billups brought instant credibility (1 NBA Title) to the team, and more importantly, brought instant leadership. The Nuggets never had that veteran leader, a guy who could be the floor general and keep people in line; Billups did just that and then some. So much so in fact, that the Nuggets made it all the way to the Western Conference Finals, however they lost to the eventual NBA Champion Los Angeles Lakers in 6 games (I’m sorry, but saying that never gets old). In an offseason where the top teams of the NBA were wheeling and dealing, the Nuggets played it safe and basically brought back the same team they had a year ago. In the draft they acquired former North Carolina point guard Ty Lawson, which only gives them more athleticism coming off of the bench. I expect the Nuggets to gel even more in year two of having Chauncey Billups leading the team. The Nuggets still have Billups, Melo, Kenyon Martin being the enforcer of the team and J.R. Smith, who I think is going to have a breakout year. Smith’s always been the “next year he’ll be great” guy but I think this year it holds true. This will be finally the season where he plays consistent, keeps an even-keeled attitude, and plays the type of season that he is capable of. With the birdman Chris Anderson and the aforementioned Ty Lawson coming off of the bench, this team is loaded with athletics guys who love to run up and down the court and put up points. I believe that Portland gives the Nuggets a run for the top spot in the division, but Denver edges them out.

2. Portland Trail Blazers (52-30)

Coming off of a thrilling seven game series with the Houston Rockets last summer, the Portland Trail Blazers have great things to look forward to this year. Let’s start off with the man in Portland; Brandon Roy. This guy is becoming one of the best closers in the NBA; right now I would put him behind LeBron James and Kobe Bryant. If the game is close and the time’s winding down, Brandon Roy more times than not will lead a team to victory. He proved it time and time again in the Houston playoff series, even hitting a game winning HORSE shot to win one of the games for Portland. I expect nothing less than a stellar All-Star campaign from Brandon Roy. Roy’s teammate, LaMarcus Aldridge, just signed a super extension with the club worth $65 million over 5 years. Aldridge has quietly become one of the best power forwards in the Western Conference, and apparently the Trail Blazers agree with that statement by giving him the extension they did. I don’t think the extension will hinder Aldridge in the slightest, he’ll continue to work hard and give Portland a threat in the low post. However, I believe that there are two large question marks in Portland that could affect how the season goes; those question marks are point guard Andre Miller and center Greg Oden. Point guard Andre Miller came over from the Philadelphia 76ers via free agency in the offseason, and this move perplexed some people. Miller has always liked to play offense in a half court style; by walking the ball up the floor and controlling tempo. Miller’s style is vastly different from the Trail Blazers style; an up tempo offense that likes to run up and down the court and try to score easy baskets. This supposed clashing of styles is a question mark for me. Will this mess up the chemistry that existed before Miller arrived in Portland? There already have been some reports out of Portland that Andre Miller isn’t happy with the way that things are going. This storyline will be fascinating to watch during the season. The other question mark is center Greg Oden; can he stay healthy for an 82 game season? After he was drafted in the 2007 season, Oden hurt his knee and needed micro fracture surgery which ended his season. Last year Oden played 61 games, but had a couple of lengthy stints on the injury list. The Trail Blazers need Oden to succeed. They need him to clog up the middle, grab rebounds, and start the fast break. If Oden is able to play 82 games, Portland is a scary team in the western conference. However with Oden’s medical history, that’s a pretty big IF.

3. Oklahoma City Thunder (45-37)

The Toronto Raptors were my sleeper pick in the East, and the Oklahoma City Thunder are my sleeper pick in the West. This team is Lo-hoooooaded with young talent. With all the rumors, some valid and some not, with Spain’s Ricky Rubio aside, imagine a team with Rubio, Kevin Durant, and Russell Westbrook on it. Freaking exciting if you ask me!!!! Okay, back to reality. During the NBA draft, the Thunder passed on Rubio to acquire former Arizona State University scoring machine James Harden. The acquisition is not as sexy as acquiring Ricky Rubio, but it’s just as affective. Harden is a “glue” guy; he plays in whatever role you want him to, doesn’t care about stats, and the guy just plays basketball. On a team that is on the verge of becoming very good, this is a good decision by the Thunder. Harden’s new teammate, and Thunder number one option Kevin Durant, will have a monster year this year. Last year he showed glimpses of greatness, and I think this year glimpses will become the entire season. In fact, I like Durant so much this season, I think he’ll contend for the NBA scoring title. He has the potential of averaging of 30 points a game this year. Forward Jeff Green and point guard Russell Westbrook I believe will have breakout years this year. They are both a year older (Green in his 3^rd year and Westbrook in his 2^nd) and will contribute immensely for the Thunder. This team is going to be exciting to watch, and if they are not on television at least 10 times this year it’s a travesty and the NBA should be ashamed of itself.

4. Utah Jazz (43-39)

I think I’m going to call the Jazz the “Detroit Pistons of the West” because I’m not exactly sure what they’re trying to do in Utah. In the offseason, they were trying to trade forward Carlos Boozer. Boozer has been pretty open about not being happy in Utah and definitely wanting to opt out of his contract at the end of the 2009 season. The Jazz were talking to Miami and Chicago, but ultimately decided to bring him back for a sixth season. On top of that, they re-signed forward Paul Millsap to a $32 million contract, who is a 6^th or 7^th man at best. That move ultimately cut down Boozer’s playing time and if there was any hope of Boozer re-signing with the Jazz, that signing might have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. The Millsap signing was the only thing that the Jazz did in the offseason, and from that they really didn’t get any better. They still have talented point guard Deron Williams, who will probably average 20 points and 10 assists this season again. Other than Boozer and Williams, I really do not like this team in the slightest. Center Mehmet Okur would rather hang around the three point arc than play on the low block, you don’t know what the hell you’re going to get out of forward Andrei Kirilenko game to game, and Kyle Korver can shoot, but that’s it. This team’s underlying weakness is its defense, as shown by the Lakers in the first round of the playoffs last year. I don’t think this team can stop anybody on defense. The lack of defense and the whole Boozer situation I believe brings down the Jazz this season, leaving them either fighting for a 8^th playoff spot, or being out of the playoffs entirely.

5. Minnesota Timberwolves (27-55)

I’m not sure that any front office has handled a draft situation as poorly as the Minnesota Timberwolves handled the Ricky Rubio situation. For those of you that don’t know about it, Spain point guard Ricky Rubio was the most hyped foreign player since Yao Ming to enter into the NBA draft. A lot of teams were looking into him and definitely wanted him on their team. A lot of people thought that Rubio would go within the first three or four picks of the draft. Rubio inexplicably dropped to number 5, where the Timberwolves were picking (they had picks 5 and 6), and they took him. However, they then took former Syracuse point guard Johnny Flynn with the sixth pick. So in trying to entice a very exciting player, they drafted another player who plays the same position. That makes about as much sense as being the master of your own domain and then going to look at porn on the internet. Needless to say Rubio didn’t want to come over and play for the Timberwolves so he stayed in Spain. This has been a PR disaster in Minnesota; which has kind of overshadowed that good young team that they have. This team is definitely two or three years away from being competitive but they have some good pieces in place. Center Al Jefferson definitely came into his own last season and should put up 20 points and 10 rebounds a game this season. Randy Foye is turning into a consistent point guard, Forward Kevin Love looked impressive as a rookie last season, and guard Wayne Ellington should give the Wolves a three point shooter. This is a very young team and they need time to mature. Let’s just hope this Rubio thing doesn’t give them bad karma and set them back two or three years.

Gotta get all these out by Wednesday or Thursday, so let’s get it on!!!!!

NBA Eastern Central Division

1. Cleveland Cavaliers

2. Chicago Bulls

3. Detroit Pistons

4. Indiana Pacers

5. Milwaukee Bucks

1. Cleveland Cavaliers (61-20)

I understand that the Celtics have KG back healthy and Orlando possibly (I say possibly because it’s a crap shoot) added some more fire power in Vince Carter. However, I still feel that the Cavaliers are the class of the Eastern Conference. Not only do they have LeBron, (I feel as though we’ve arrived with just calling him by one name like we do Bird, Magic, Kareem, Michael, Kobe, etc.) but I think that this is the best supporting cast that has surrounded LeBron since he arrived in Cleveland. First let’s talk about the big acquisition that they made in the offseason, and that’s no other than Shaquille “What’s He Calling Himself Now?” O’ Neal. This obviously gives the Cavs a low post threat that can take pressure off LeBron to score. A big topic this offseason has been “Can Shaq handle being a second or third option?” The people who make the argument that he can’t handle being a second or third option point to the season Shaq had with Phoenix last year. Shaq pretty much made himself the number one option last year while disrupting the offensive flow that Phoenix had. Phoenix really wanted to fly up and down the floor, while the offense that best suits Shaq is a grind it out, pound it inside type of style. That style of clashes led the Suns to a disappointing finish. I’m going to make the argument that Shaq can handle being a second or third option. I feel that Shaq kind of took over in Phoenix last year because he really didn’t see a real number option, other than himself, to go to. Now before you can scream AMARE, I don’t think that Shaq ever really trusted Amare because of the fact that Amare was always injury prone. In addition, Phoenix has always had an “everybody contributes” style of offense, which makes for great team play but never has a dominant number one option. In being with the Cavs, I believe that Shaq understands that LeBron is the number one option and will be glad to be a number two or three. If you think I’m wrong, look at the year in which the Miami Heat won the NBA title. There was a definite number one guy in Dwayne Wade, and Shaq played the number two option card all the way to another NBA title. I think he’ll do the same in Cleveland. As for the smaller acquisitions the Cavaliers made, these might not have the sexiness that adding a Shaquille O’ Neal has, but they might be just as significant. I’m going to look at two players in particular, Anthony Parker and Leon “Did You Hear He Lived In A Car” Powe. I love the acquisition of Anthony Parker. I believe this finally gives LeBron the outside shooter that’s he’s needed; Daniel Gibson and Delonte “El Mariachi” West are good players but I don’t consider them pure shooters. If they were, where were they in the Orlando series in June? Anthony Parker is more of a consistent shooter from the outside and I think this will definitely help LeBron in crunch time when he’s guarded by all five guys of the other team (don’t think it won’t happen). I like the Leon Powe signing because it gives the Cleveland bench a physical, tough center to use on their second team. I know they already have Anderson Varejao and Zydrunas Ilgauskas, but to that I say please don’t confuse hacking and fouling with physical and tough. I think Mo Williams will be more comfortable in the offense this year and I expect a really good year from him as well. I know I didn’t talk about LeBron much, but do I really have to, he’s going to have another MVP type season. Cavs roll over this division.

2. Chicago Bulls (45-37)

In looking at the Chicago Bulls roster, I might have to give this team my label of “After You Watch This Team On T.V., You’re Physically Tired.” With the amount of young guys on this team, they’re going to put those fresh legs to good use. With the leader of the pack, point guard Derrick Rose being a year older and more experienced, there’s no telling how far he can take this run and gun team. The Bulls playoff series with the Boston Celtics last year I believe was the best thing that could have happened to them. They had a little bit of success with taking the series to seven games, but they ultimately lost proving that they need to get better. The trade that ultimately got them to the playoffs, acquiring Center/Forward Brad Miller and Guard John Salmons, I feel will provide continuous momentum into this year. These are two veterans that can bring some experience and knowledge to a group of young and hungry guys. One of the key components of the Bulls playoff team last year, Guard Ben Gordon, left the team in the offseason and signed a 5 year, $55 million deal with the Detroit Pistons. I actually think that this helps the Bulls more than it hurts them. Now I understand that there were stretches, especially in the playoffs, where Gordon wouldn’t miss and would keep them in close games with his hot shooting. However, if you’re building a team identity that is all about an up-tempo style and the goal is to run the opposing team out of the gym, I don’t believe Gordon was a good fit. I think he’s more of a half-court, running around screens to get open type of player. Now he’s in Detroit playing along with the same type of player in Richard Hamilton (paging Joe Dumars’ brain). I think players like Forward Luol Deng and Point Guard Kirk Heinrich will flourish with Gordon going to Detroit. The front court for the Bulls is very athletic with Forwards Joakim Noah, Tyrus Thomas, rookie Taj Gibson and rookie James Johnson. I think that this team will continue it’s great play from last season, understand their roles and true identity, and definitely be fun to watch during the season.

3. Detroit Pistons (37-45)

If you were to ask me about what General Manger Joe Dumars and the Detroit Pistons are trying to accomplish with some of their recent personnel moves, I would automatically ask you in return “What is a woman thinking at all times?” That way you could know the feeling of not having a prayer to answer a certain question. Last year they traded away Chauncey Billups to the Denver Nuggets for Allen Iverson, and it was said they did so in order to free up cap space. Then this offseason, they went and signed Ben Gordon to a $55 million contract and former Milwaukee Bucks Forward Charlie Villanueva to a $35 million contract. To quote the great Vince Lombardi, “What the hell’s going on out there?!?!” I have no clue what direction that Detroit Pistons are going in, and I’m not sure they do either. Right now they have two guards that are essentially the same player in Richard Hamilton and Ben Gordon, trouble is both of these guys are going to have to share shots. Their Center situation is probably the worst one in basketball right now, currently they have the corpse of Ben Wallace, head case Chris Wilcox, and maybe the worst number one pick in NBA draft history Kwame Brown. As soon as I just wrote Kwame Brown, I heard echoes of NBA analyst Steven A. Smith ranting about how much Kwame Brown sucks and I got a smile on my face. Lastly, their point guard situation is atrocious. Right now their options are Chucky Atkins, Rodney Stuckey, and Will Bynum. Need I say more? The only guy I like on this team this year is Tayshaun Prince. He always plays hard, plays really good defense and is going to put up good numbers this year. Quick prediction, don’t be surprised if teams start inquiring about getting Prince in a trade from the Pistons around the trading deadline if they aren’t doing well. With the clusterf*&k that the Pistons will be this year, I’m not sure I blame him if he wants out. This team doesn’t seem to have an identity and I don’t think they’ll find one the entire season.

4. Indiana Pacers (36-46)

Ladies and Gentleman, I bring to you the Indiana 90’s and 2000’s College All-Stars. On the roster right now, the Pacers have former All-Conference players Mike Dunleavy, T.J. Ford, Tyler Hansbrough, Roy Hibbert, Troy Murphy and A.J. Price. Go back and read all those names over again, and when you do, picture Dick Vitale saying each name with 15,000 fans screaming behind him and tell me it doesn’t bring back memories. Last year the Indiana Pacers were 36-46, and that sounds about right for this season. Danny Granger got a big push in fantasy drafts this year, not because he’s a big star, but because he’s pretty much the only major offensive option for the Pacers this year. That fact right there does not bode well for the 2009-2010 Indiana Pacers season. This team right now is really young and it’s hard to tell how they’re going to play. With all of the former college stars they have on the team, you would think that they would be good. But then you realize that some of those players are on their 2^nd and 3^rd teams already, and then you think otherwise. I think Granger has a great fantasy year and Troy Murphy puts together a good season, but overall I think it will be another struggle for the Pacers. Reggie Miller is not walking through that door!!!!! But I think that most Pacer fans hope so at this point.

5. Milwaukee Bucks (34-48)

I don’t think I have the ability to make the Bucks sound exciting or entertaining. So I won’t try.