Pro Wrestling Ponderings

Welcome to The Young CHIKARMY Insider Chronicles! I wish I had some kind of witty inside reference to the show about the early years of Indiana Jones, but I didn’t watch it. It was before my time. Sean Patrick Flanery played the young Henry. He was in The Boondock Saints. There’s a sequel to that film coming out this month called The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day. Everybody’s back from the first film except for Willem Dafoe, who probably laughed until he passed out when they asked him to do it. Even David Della Rocco is back…somehow. While I can’t really recommend you see the first film or its sequel (they’re both ridiculously stupid, but pretty fun), I can definitely advocate Overnight, the documentary that followed Boondock Saints creator, writer, and director Troy Duffy as he slowly devolved from Hollywood golden boy to an egomaniacal jerk that alienated everyone around him. It’s fascinating, but it has nothing to do with Chikara.

This week’s issue takes one final look at the October shows, where only one match remains unannounced. Then, Eddie Kingston would like a word with us. It’s about Claudio Castagnoli…and it’s not very pleasant. Those two need to hug it out. Lastly, I’ve a got a new Horrible Gimmick~! for your viewing pleasure. So buckle up and get ready…’cause this column ain’t got airbags. Seriously, the column would NOT pass highway safety inspection. Read at your own risk.

At Hiding in Plain Sight, Chikara’s September show in New Hampshire, Sal Rinauro showed up alongside Bryan Danielson and Colt Cabana, most likely filming for their documentary Wrestling Road Diaries. He apparently went a little banana when he wasn’t instantly offered a contract with the company. He then grabbed a camera and demanded a bout against Mike Quackenbush. Not just any match, either; a match for Quack’s NWA World Jr. Title! Well Leonard F. Chikarason was apparently impressed with Sal’s moxie, so the match is on! Last time these two faced each other, Quackenbush survived Sal’s devastating springboard corkscrew enzuigiri and tapped Rinauro out using a modified Boston Crab. Rinauro will have to take control early, otherwise his Chikara debut will be one to forget.

Opponents in the Cibernetico match, Matt and Nick Jackson will team up the night before in a match that will see The Young Bucks challenge three other teams in a Four-Corners Elimination Tag Match. The team with the most to gain here is The Osirian Portal, who lost the tag belts at Hiding in Plain Sight. They have been put in a great position here, along with their tag the next night against The Roughnecks, to get their belts back. If they were to somehow run the table, getting all three falls, and if The Roughnecks beat the Colony for the belts, The Portal might have to cash in their points and demand a title shot! Icarus & Chuck Taylor are also coming off of a loss at Hiding in Plain Sight, so a win here will put them back on track to total tag team domination. With Icarus & Akuma already in line for a shot and Akuma & Taylor sitting comfortably at two points, F.I.S.T. could be looking to mount something crazy against the tag champs. The wildcard in all of this would be the new team of Dasher Hatfield and Sugar Dunkerton. This one should be as unpredictable as it is explosive!

As you can see, there have been several line-up changes on both sides of this year’s Cibernetico match. The drama behind it adds another personal element to the match. See, Fire Ant was given the option of moving his team around, shifting his batting order. He declined, so Soldier Ant made several adjustments, most notably pitting top pick Mike Quackenbush against team captain Fire Ant and putting Hallowicked as the next-in-line against Jigsaw. Then, Fire Ant changed his mind, requesting to shift his batting order. Soldier Ant agreed to let it go, but it was a bush-league move by Fire Ant to make that play. Still, it worked out for him, and he got his way. The most significant change Fire Ant made was placing Player Dos a step behind Player Uno, keeping them staggered in the batting order.

It’ll be put up or shut up time for Sal Rinauro at Cibernetico Increible. Already with a title match the night before against Quackenbush, Sal will then have to contend with Claudio Castagnoli the next. Some might argue that Sal has bitten off more than he can chew, but I doubt Sal would be one of those people. He’s his biggest fan and someone who truly believes his own hype, but if he doesn’t find a way to steer clear of Claudio’s nasty strikes, he might get a Giant Swing right out of the building.

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I promised it to you last week, and I delivered: a fresh baked edition of Horrible Gimmicks Run Amok~! This is an idea I had while watching another wrestler work in his gimmick. I am probably the biggest Kenichiro Arai mark on this planet. He works mainly in Dragon Gate, had has the gimmick of an old, tired, drunk who never feels like wrestling. He always cheats, will occasionally fall asleep during matches, and is just a gigantic evildoer most of the time. I was watching a match he had with Anthony W. Mori, and I had a thought: “Wouldn’t this be funny if he was dressed like a clown?” And that was the launching pad for Zobo, the Happiest Clown. To get an idea of how Zobbo handles his business, you can watch the match that helped me conceive him RIGHT HERE! Just picture Araken (the guy in the jumpsuit) as a sad clown.

Lawrence “Larry” Wendell was born in Chicago, Illinois. His father was a third generation butcher, so when he was growing up, that is what Larry was expected to become. His family labeled him “Happy Larry” became there seemingly was not a thing on Earth that could break his spirit. Even on the day his first pet died (a gerbil named Toothy), Larry simply declared, “Yay! We can get a new gerbil!” He went on to attend high school in the same spirits, but by that time, he had fallen in love with making other people smile just as much as he did. It was at the end of his junior year that he created Zobo, a character that was created initially just for entertaining residents at orphanages and retirement homes. He married his high school sweetheart directly after graduating and began his life as a butcher in the family business.

Larry continued to entertain people, and on one fateful day at a nursing home on the north side, he discovered pro wrestling on TV. He loved the action and the sportsmanship, but he loved the drama as well, finding it to be a much better platform for his pursuit. He wanted to please a larger audience, and wrestling was the ticket. After months of saving and deliberation, Larry started training to become a pro wrestler. He was a natural, and within a year, he was already getting bookings local, awaiting the call to get into the big leagues. His energy and enthusiasm were so infectious that he caught fire with fans from the get-go. After only two years on the Chicago circuit, Larry got the call: he would be on national television every week in a worldwide federation, entertaining fans all over the country. He quit his job as a butcher and became a wrestler full-time. It was the last time in his life that Larry would catch an honest break.

Upon arriving in the big leagues, Larry noticed how difficult it was to circumvent the politics of the business. When he finally got his chance to shine, audiences latched on. It amazed even Larry how quickly fans everywhere picked up on his liveliness. He felt like the luckiest guy in the world. Then, for reasons that were never explained to Larry, his house exploded. It just…it just exploded. Every possession he had was destroyed in the fire. He and his wife stayed in an apartment, where Larry tripped over a loose tile and injured his knee. Two weeks later, after a whirlwind rise to fame, Larry was fired. Apparently, another wrestler with backstage pull got Larry axed to make room for his buddy to start a clown character named Doink. Everybody hated it and still hates it. It was and is really stupid.

After years of failed attempts to make a child with his wife, Larry (now a hardware salesman since his father’s butcher business went under) got tested, which revealed that Larry was unable to bear one. Larry’s wife left him shortly after. After a spat with his family that involved Larry’s impotency, he found himself alone and resorting to alcohol to relieve stress. Five years passed without incident before Larry’s liquor abuse blended into his work, where he berated a customer for being, “really short and dumb-looking.” The ten year old girl’s parents filed a lawsuit. Larry was out of a job.

Unemployed, depressed and alone, Larry got a call at three in the afternoon from an old friend about a wrestling reunion show at a rodeo. Larry suited up right away, make-up, red nose and all, and went to the show, where he wrestled a really big guy who worked stiff. That’s all Larry could remember. He woke up in a hospital bed a day later. Apparently, Larry imagined the phone call, went down to the local rodeo, and fought a bull in front of a couple thousand people. He became a YouTube sensation, and suddenly there was interest in Larry again on the wrestling independent scene again, which had grown by leaps and bounds since his days. Larry, it seemed, was back.

Sober and excited, Zobo, The Happiest Clown, made his redebut in New York as a part of a legends wrestling show. Larry came out to a thunderous clamor, and as he made his way down the ramp, he tripped and fell flat on his face. He hadn’t worn his big shoes in years, so it was somewhat understandable. However, when Larry looked up, he saw kids pointing, laughing, and shouting terrible, unrepeatable things at him. Larry continued to play to the crowd happily, but his join soon died. No one clapped. No one cheered. No one cared. They just insulted him right to his face. The fans, it seemed, had become cynical and self-important. They didn’t care about him anymore. That’s when Larry decided to return the favor.

He wrestled at half-speed that night, drawing amazing heat from the crowd. He didn’t care anymore. Larry got paid that night, and the promoter told him there was more work in the future if he could get fans riled up like that. Larry wanted to wrestle under his own name, but the promoter said that he would only hire him if he was in the make-up. So that’s Larry’s curse; the only way he can get back at the world is to anger them in the ring, where he is forced to wear a persona that doesn’t apply to him anymore. Larry turned back to booze, even carrying a flask to the ring with him. He joined Chikara soon at the behest of fans that wanted to genuinely cheer him on. Larry didn’t believe them, thinking it was just some sort of game to further humiliate him. Larry would swig from his “water” bottle (Chikara officials didn’t want him drinking from a flask) and continue on his mission: make everyone as mad and bitter as he is. There’s no happy ending here; just an ending.

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実際に重要なニュース!

- Chikara will return to Easton and Philadelphia in November with Throwing Life’s Instructions Away on Saturday, November 21st and the Season 8 Finale show Three-Fisted Tales on Sunday, November 22nd. These shows will be discussed here at-length in the coming weeks!

- Next week, I’ll have results from the two October shows, some November show updates, and some Classic Chikara! I’ll be at the Florida/Arkansas football game in Gainesville, so I’ll be back the next day. You can expect the column to be up Sunday night. See ya then!

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Kevin and Jerome make their grand return to podcasting, and they’re not alone. Drew Cordeiro from “Beyond Wrestling” joins the dynamic duo for a discussion on Ring of Honor, Pro Wrestling Guerilla, and of course Beyond Wrestling. What is this company you ask? Just listen and find out.

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-Overdramatic video package shows us the risk of being in Hell in a Cell. Still can’t believe they’re doing three of these.

-Live from Newark, New Jersey (home state of Jason Sterlacci)

-Your hosts are six of Vince McMahon’s bitches.

-Hell in a Cell World Heavyweight Championship: C.M Punk (champion) vs. The Undertaker

To save time, just pretend I inserted a bunch of questions why THIS IS THE OPENER. Ross said the world title has never changed in Hell in a Cell, thus insuring Taker is winning. Guess this also insures these two have enough time. I’d also like to point out that the world heavyweight title match was the opener at No Way Out. ‘Taker no sells a couple of Punk’s shots. He then gets rammed into the cage a few times. Bodyshots now. Kick knocks Punk off the apron into the cage. Punk rolls underneath the ring and dropkicks the steps into the Undertaker’s knee. Punk goes to the work on the knee and I’d like to point out that there are A LOT of CM Punk chants. Very rare to hear backlash directed at Undertaker. Punk’s offense doesn’t last long as he gets thrown into the cage again. Taker is now gimping around. Part of that is a shoot I’m sure. Kick into the cage by Pun followed by a dive. Back inside the ring as they exchange shots. ‘Taker prepares for the chokeslam but Punk hits more shots to the knees. Attempted tombstone leads to the same thing. Punk grabs a steel chair and lays ‘Taker out but gets a two count. Punk tries a knee into the corner but is the victim of a powerbomb. Long two count. ‘Taker hits the ropes but Punk drags him off. Punk goes for a series of three counts but can’t get three. Punk does a blind charge with a chair but ‘Taker boots him in the face. Chokeslam. Tombstone. New champ. Fuck you WWE.

-Winner/Time/Rating: NEW World Heavyweight Champion-The Undertaker/10:24/**1/4

-So after all the controversy surrounding last month and Hell’s Gate being reinstated, Punk absolutely gets buried in the opening match. This is one of the most appalling decisions of 2009. Period. Do I have a bias towards Punk? You damn right I do, butI have this bias because he’s a great wrestler, a great promo, and doesn’t have the look of a guy who’s on the gas. Guess the oft-injured guy who can barely walk should have the world title right now. Way to build new stars and get guys over WWE.

-Intercontinental Championship: John Morrison (champion) vs. Dolph Ziggler

These two are competing for the ugliest tights ever award. Ross refers to them as the future cornerstones of WWE. Maybe they too can job to The Undertaker in an opening Hell in a Cell match. Chain wrestling to start meaning these two will actually get time. I approve. Ziggler takes control and grabs a side headlock. Shoulder tackle. Off the ropes both men go and Morrison hits a dropkick. Artistic legdrop (had to use JR’s description). Ziggler now gets a chinlock. Morrison comes back with a springboard crossbody and another dropkick. Attempt at Starship Pain doesn’t go well as Ziggler takes over. Modified chinlock as Ziggler works on the neck. Powerslam. A running neckbreaker. Wow, that was very Curt Hennig like. Ziggler with a splash in the corner . Crowd actually lightly chants “Mr. Ziggles.”For the most part though? Dead. Morrison reverses into a DDT. Right hand exchange but Morrison gets a high kick and standing shooting star press. Suplex reversed into a roll-up. Morrison with a roll-up. Morrison tries a running knee, but Ziggler stops that too. Morrison leaps up and tries a dive. Ziggler gets up but Morrison sess what happened and gets a slingshot. Morrison tries another leap, but Morrison gets a German suplex. Long two there. Some of the crowd chants for Ziggler. Fameasser by Ziggler. Morrison goes for the finisher again, but gets taken down hard. Just a two count. Zig-zag attempt doesn’t work. Running knee does. Starship pain does and this match is ovuh.

-Winner/Time/Rating: STILL Intercontinental Champion- John Morrison/15:44/***1/2

-Ziggler has a lost tons of momentum since he was supposed to win the I-C title months ago. The segment with Pat Patterson and the “Mr. Ziggles” crap doesn’t help. Ultimately, I think Morrison is going to be ready for a world title run first, and I feel he should hold onto the belt until it’s closer to the end of the year. Very good match though.

-Josh Mathews is there. Batista kicks him out and introduces Mysterio himself. Then it’s interview time. That was awkward. Rey’s feud with Jericho is brought up. That whole deal feels like it happened years ago.

-The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are shown in a luxury box. I’m not kidding. This leads to a commercial for their video game. Normally, this would piss me off, but I’m actually curious to see what it looks like. It doesn’t look half bad actually. Cole brings up the irony of Hell in a Cell taking place in New Jersey. I think it’s because Jersey is in fact hell (Sorry Jason).

-Diva’s Championship: Mickie James (champion) vs. Alicia Fox

That title is ugly. I maintain my refusal to do commentary for WWE women’s matches. Amazingly, this turns out to be the best women’s match I’ve seen in months as there’s a little psychology involved and very few botched moves . The crowd once again doesn’t care, but you can’t win’em all. Mark me down as wanting to see this match again and give them more time.

Winner/Time/Rating- STILL Diva’s Champion-Mickie James/4:18/*3/4

-Unifed Tag Team Championship- Chris Jericho and Big Show vs. Batista and Rey Mysterio

If I have to watch Batista wrestle on Pay-Per-View, I’m glad it’s a tag team match. Jericho and Rey start. No brainer there. They have a great sequence. Then the party’s over as Batista comes in with a shoulderblock. Clothesline in the corner. Into the face corner. Rey Rey gets sent flying into Jericho. Batista back in now. Rey Rey leaps off Batista shoulders into Jericho. Big Show gets tagged in as I shudder to think of some of the moments he and Rey have had together. Rey Rey stupidly stays in and promptly gets manhandled. Mysterio gets deposited to the outside. Jesus, what a slap. Mysterio gets in at nine. Show uses one hand to bring him back fully inside the ring. Jericho tags in as Rey Rey is dragged into the corner. Rey Rey plays “Batista’s little buddy in peril.” Jericho has a great spot as he lures in Rey Rey to try a 619. While both men are on the top rope, Jericho goes for the mask. Rey Rey reverses and tags in his big buddy. The Animal goes wild. Spear leads to a set up for the Demon Bomb. Big Show tries to interfere but he gets sent back outside. Spinebuster gets two. Show interferes again, but Jericho gets the Codebreaker. Show and Batista in together. This really is hell. Chokeslam by Show but Mysterio breaks the count with a springboard. Lionsault misses and Batista just makes it to his partner. Show also tags in, but Rey Rey hangs around by sticking and moving. Impressive looking DDT. Show charges but is sent outside. Jericho is positioned for the 619, but he is moved. Rey Rey still hits the move on Show. Jericho also thrown outside. Show catches him, but Batista spears them both. Rey Rey and Show end up in the ring. Springboard leads to THE PUNCH OF DOOM. That gets three. Hmm. Think Rey is getting punished for the suspension? Methinks so.

Winner/Time/Rating: STILL Unified Tag Team Champions- Chris Jericho and Big Show/14:44/***1/2

-Despite the opening match, this has been a decent show thus far with two really good matches and a Diva’s match that actually wasn’t offensively horrible.

-WWE Heavyweight Championship: John Cena (champion) vs. Randy Orton

Good to see both heavyweight titles are not as important as D-Generation X. Crowd doesn’t like Cena very much. Orton has the advantage for much of the early part of the match with some Cena flurries interspersed. Cena gets sent into the cell for the first time and Orton tries to grate Cena’s face against the fence. Cena tries to put the cage to use, but he eats steps instead. Orton uses the steps in numerous ways and even tells a fan “Up Yours” after almost failing to get them in the ring. That was awesome. DDT attempt thwarted as Cena tosses Orton over his shoulder. Cena grabs the steps and tries to take Orton’s head odd. Thankfully Orton gets out of the way in time. Back inside, Orton hits his backbreaker. Cena hits some moves now and climaxes with the Five Knuckle shuffle. Orton gets out of the Attitude Adjustment and finally gets his DDT. RKO doesn’t work but Attitude Adjustment. Orton kicks out. Cena looks incredulous. To the second rope now, but Orton gets an electric chair. Battle on the top rope with Cena eventually missing the legdrop. Orton goes underneath for a chair and goes to town on Cena’s neck. Cena crawls back and hooks in the STF. Even though Orton gets to the ropes and goes underneath, the referee can’t break it up since it’s no DQ. Orton kicks Cena into the ref. He’s down as Cena gets the STF again. Orton taps, but there’s no ref to see it. Cena goes to check on the referee and even places him back in the ring. Orton gets the RKO, but that only gets two as well. Orton has Cena in the ropes now and applies a… chinlock? Only this guy would find a way to get a “devastating” chinlock. Cena is basically out after the choke. Orton hits the punt to the head now and gets three. New champ. Yippee.

-Winner/Time/Rating: NEW WWE Champion- Randy Orton/21:26/***1/4

-Another title change? This is ridiculous. Way to make John Cena look like a total bitch in jobbing clean to Orton twice. Not to mention this is the second time they’ve given Cena a three week title reign. It is amazing to see how the WWE works these days, and it’s shows like this, regardless of the quality of the matches, that make me want to quit watching forever. Booking them in a 60 minute match doesn’t help either.

-Drew McIntyre vs. R-Truth

Case in point. McIntyre has been talking about how is the future of Smackdown. Where is his debut match? A Pay-Per-View. It’s little things like this that add up to me not caring. And speaking of not caring, the crowd (which has been fairly awful the whole night) starts chanting “boring” a record thirty seconds in. Not that I blame them in this case because this match has no business on the card. McIntyre wins a match that feels about six hours long with a double arm DDT. I am not impressed at all. Oh, and his music is awful.

Winner/Time/Rating: Drew McIntyre/4:40/*

-Legacy congratulates Orton for winning the belt and hitting the town. Cody makes an offhand remark about Orton sounding like his dad. Orton makes a good point about being champion and the cell. This is followed by Dibiase further teasing a break-up.

-The Miz walks out and cuts a promo. Ever since his “feud” with Cena, I’ve lost all interest in him.

-United States Championship: Kofi Kingston (champion) vs. The Miz vs. Jack Swagger

Too complicated to give a blow-by-blow. Needless to say the heels double team the champion early but neither will let the other get a pinfall. Finally Miz turns on Swagger and controls a portion of the match. Kofi gets a crossbody on Miz while he is on Swagger’s shoulders. That was cool. Kofi and Swagger brawl in the corner. Swagger then takes control and hits a belly-to-belly suplex. Kofi gets a nice back suplex from the second rope. Swagger hits a nice couple of moves as well. Kofi responds with a leaping lariat and a legdrop. Trouble in Paradise clearly knocks Swagger loopy because he is unable to stop the count after Miz hit his Skullcrushing Finale. Swagger finds his breakings and gets the gutwrench powerbomb. Another Trouble in Paradise on Swagger and Kofi covers Miz for three. Bet Swagger is thrilled he had to take a second one after being knocked out for a moment there.

Winner/Time/ Rating: STILL United States Champion- Kofi Kingston/8:00/*1/2

Hell in a Cell: D-Generation X (Triple H and Shawn Michaels) vs. Legacy (Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase)

Legacy actually attacks D-X as they make their entrance. That’s a really nice touch to show that this is in fact a blowoff between two teams that don’t like each other. It also differentiates this match from the other two since this is in fact starting on the outside. D-X comes back and even gets a suplex on Rhodes on an announce table. Dibiase goes nuts on Hunter while Shawn beats up Rhodes some more. All four guys end up in the crowd on opposite sides. Rhodes then grabs the chain that locks the cell and hits Michaels. He goes up the entrance aisleway and lays out Hunter as well. DDT on the actual ramp. Rhodes hits what I can only refer to as “Hero’s Welcome.” Legacy drags commences a big ole’ beatdown on Shawn Michaels, with particular emphasis on the knee. Inside the cage and Rhodes locks the door behind him. That’s polite. My parents used to yell at me all the time for forgetting to lock the door behind me.

Bell finally rings and I guess we’re officially underway. Shawn looks around and sees he’s kinda SOL. HBK hangs around, but succumbs to the work of Legacy for the most part. More work on the leg. Michaels goes under the ring and flings a chair at Rhodes. Dibiase is rammed into the cage as well. Michaels holds off his tormenters a little more but is finally slingshotted into the cell again. Michaels climbs the cage and falls on Rhodes. Hunter, who was laying on the entranceway for a long time, finally makes his way to the cell, but he can’t get in since the door is locked. Ummm, where is the other referee who mans the door? In every other Hell in a Cell match ever, this is the procedure. Inside the ring now and Shawn hits a superkick on Dibiase. Triple H climbs to the top of the cage. Michaels only gets two because Rhodes pulls his out. Another chairshot lays Shawn out once again. Hunter tries to smash his way into the cage with a chair. Rhodes powerbombs Shawn into the cell. Again. Taunting by Legacy directed at Triple H. And he leaves? Well, that’s just strange. Beatdown continues as Shawn conveys his pain and suffering quite well. This match is another excellent example of storytelling although the quality of the actual match isn’t as good. Inside the ring and Legacy appears ready to finish this sucker up. While Rhodes up a chair, Dibiase dropkicks it in the face of HBK. They then mock D-X by holding up the symbol of the group. Time for the move that won them the “I quit” match. Triple H runs with boltcutters and finally makes his way into the cage. Oh. My. God. Hunter of course saves the day and no sells the big old beating he took earlier. As Hunter sets up for the pedigree on Rhodes, Dibiase stops him. Michaels interrupts and the other referee finally shows up. Hunter won’t let him close the door, but he instead takes the chain and punches Dibiase. Pedigree on the floor. They leave him on the outside of the cage. Double team on Rhodes with Michaels elbowing a steel chair. Hunter grabs Mr. Sledgey as Dibiase whines. Tune up the band. Superkick and Mr. Sledgey put us out of our misery.

-Winner/Time/Rating: D-Generation X/18:06/***

-Not a bad match by any means, but I don’t understand why D-Generation X just had to win two of these three matches. I guess them winning the blowoff is fine, but if you ask me, I don’t see how we’re supposed to take these guys against Randy Orton(if that’s where they’re going) seriously. Not to mention this truly had no business being the main event because it was obvious who was winning and the feud damn sure wasn’t as heated.

Final Thoughts: I’m willing to give this a thumbs up, but it’s not with a great deal of any enthusiasm. Most everything was good and a couple matches exceeded my expectations. Unfortunately, I think there continue to be issues with a lot of the booking, particularly in the big championship matches. I’d recommend renting the DVD since there were a few good matches but nothing I’d go out of my way to see.

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This Saturday night, I will have the unique opportunity to leave my comfort zone and attend my first out-of-state wrestling show. While I am not a fan of the direction Ring of Honor has taken over this last year, I am intrigued by the concept of Survival of the Fittest. It is one of the most unique tournaments in professional wrestling, and this is probably my best (and possibly last) chance to see this tournament.

What I love most about what this tournament offers is the unpredictability. Ring of Honor takes 12 stars that are at various positions on the card and match them up against each other. Instead of going through various rounds, each of the six winners advance to the finals and the ending is a sometimes chaotic match with all kinds of upsets and different match-ups. In 2004, during the first ever Survival of the Fittest, Colt Cabana pinned then Ring of World champion Samoa Joe in what may still be the biggest upset in the history of the competition.

Speaking of the first ever Survival of the Fittest,  it came amidst the fallout of the Feinstein scandal and turned out to be the breakout performance of Austin Aries, a man who was only a couple months into his Ring of Honor career. Aries made it to the first finals, a trend he continued through the 2005, 2006, and 2007 Survival of the Fittest tournaments. Bryan Danielson is the man who would become the first winner after having an incredible ending sequence with Aries that would be the start of one of the finest rivalries in company history. Interesting to note that the 2009 version of this tournament comes the first week after the departure of Danielson.

Roderick Strong was a man who stepped up to the plate in the first half of 2005 by having great matches with Steve Corino, Samoa Joe, Alex Shelley, and CM Punk. Unfortunately, Strong wasn’t exactly picking up a lot of victories during this period.  That all changed in the 2005 version of Survival of the Fittest as Strong stepped up to the plate and beat Austin Aries, his partner in Generation Next at that time in another excellent final sequence. Strong was considered by many to be the MVP of 2005, and this was his first signature singles victory.

The next year exemplified just how unpredictable this tournament truly is. Bryan Danielson and Samoa Joe would go to a 20 minute time limit draw. Davey Richards and Jimmy Rave, two man believed to be the favorites, lost in the first round. Two of the biggest singles stars in the company, Strong and Homcide, lost a tag team match to the Briscoes. At least Austin Aries got to continue his almost Susan Lucci like streak of making the finals but never winning. Delirious and Matt Sydal, two of Ring of Honor’s biggest underdogs, had a fantastic sequence to end the 2006 Survival of the Fittest. Sydal was primarily used in tag matches with his Generation Next teammates while Delirious was almost out of the company if not for a victory against Ricky Reyes over Wrestlemania weekend. In a year of unpredictability, it’s only Delirious came out of this tournament the winner.

In a sense, Ring of Honor took it’s biggest gamble by heading to the West Coast. Two nights before the chaos at the Cow Palace, Ring of Honor took Survival of the Fittest to Las Vegas. Chris Hero, a man who never seemed to be able to get any traction in the company, broke through in a big way by not only winning the whole thing but also eliminating the other five men. While there were no four star matches, I think 2007 is my favorite year because of how strong Hero was put over and the simple story the final told. To me, this entire tournament isn’t necessarily about having the best matches, but trying to actually put new guys over.

This leads into 2009. With new stars absolutely needed for Ring of Honor to continue its’ own survival, this might be the most important Survival of the Fittest ever. Perhaps this is a chance to elevate Kenny King or Kenny Omega over. These are two men that are highly regarded, but they haven’t won a lot of big time singles matches. Maybe Tyler Black can win this tournament and set up a world title match at Final Battle 2009, where he can once and for all take the championship he’s spent the last two years chasing. How about Claudio Castagnoli or Colt Cabana? Two guys who seem to have gone directionless the entire year. Maybe Chris Hero, Roderick Strong, or Delirious can win once again to give him something that no other Ring of Honor star can claim, being a two time winner of the biggest and most consistent tournament Ring of Honor has. Petey Williams and Rhett Titus might also win, but I’d prefer to not even think of that as a possibility.

What is needed almost as much as a winner is a clear direction, good matches, and clean finishes. No BS. Whomever is booked to win should do it in the cleanest way possible to establish that this is a wrestler who could possibly be the world champion. Even if King or Omega have to wait their turn, there needs to be the sense that these two are being elevated and might be the ones to win the belt in 2010. I guess you could say that while Survival of the Fittest might just be the name of the tournament, we’ll find out how fit to survive Ring of Honor really is.

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Hello all!

Unfortunately this week I need to do a shortened edition of I’m With Stupid. There’s a lot of stuff going on outside of the wrestling world and I simply do not have the time to write out a full column of my gripes with dumb booking decisions. Next week, things should be back to normal.

So instead of my usual battery of complaints, I’ll keep this simple with a countdown of the 10 stupidest people of the week.

10: Rhett Titus (ROH) - On last week’s edition of ROH on HDNet, which I did not see until this week, Rhett (along with partner Kenny King) put on one of the worst matches I’ve ever seen in ROH. Hideously ugly stuff, Titus.

9: Chavo Guerrero and Hornswoggle (WWE) - It just wouldn’t be “I’m With Stupid” without these two. The storyline that absolutely refuses to end just keeps on going. The Chavo/’Swoggle feud is basically a lock for my “Stupid Feud of the Year” award come December.

8: Everyone Involved in the First 2/3 of this Week’s ECW (WWE) - Those first tow matches this week actually hurt my brain. Then again, what else should I expect from a broken down Tommy Dreamer, a green Yoshi Tatsu, and the Roundtable?

7: The Divas (WWE) - The entire division gets called out; if I have to see one more “Ask the Divas” segment on Superstars, I’m gonna rip my hair out. And the Diva Bowl…dear God.

6: Traci Brooks and Christy Hemme (TNA) - Not so much stupid on their part, but that Bunnies match from Impact was a chore to watch. I don’t find Traci Brooks all that attractive and I *hate* Christy Hemme, so it was skippable in the first place. Then I remembered that Hemme was a Bunny from WWE, and it took my gripes to a whole new level.

5: WWE (WWE) - For trying to compete with Monday Night Football this week. I mean, the rating DID go up, but it had nowhere to go but up after half the audience turned off Al Sharpton after five minutes.

4: The Genius That Booked Hell in a Cell (WWE) - Forget opening a show with a Hell in a Cell match, which is pretty stupid when you think about it. Why, why, why, why, WHY would anyone put the title on The Undertaker right now? Look, don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been a huge Taker mark, but the man simply cannot put on the kinds of matches that are required of a champion any more. Plus, the World Heavyweight Title is quickly being booked into oblivion with all the title changes…why not just give Punk a few months? We all know the title is going to change hands again in three weeks anyway, so why bother doing it at HIAC?

3: Vince Russo (TNA) - I HATED Impact this week. Why on earth would Russo put on that ladder match (which was admittedly good) for free with no prior mention of it? It’s not like the damn match was built to over the last few weeks or even announced the week prior, so why do it?!?

2: The Genius Behind Bragging Rights (WWE) - The idea of all Raw vs. Smackdown matches with a final main event showdown intrigued me, even though ECW would again be getting the shaft. The actual concept, though, leaves a lot to be desired.

Stupid Person of the Week: Ric Flair (WOOOOOOO!) - Ric, for wasting all of your hard earned money for the last few decades and losing a quite expensive belt, I’ve got no choice but to give you SPOTW. You can pick up your award when you pay me back. By the way, the fact that Highspots expects to get $75,000+ for it in this economy gives them the honorable mention award.

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Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls alike I welcome you to the second ever ECW recap, presented by yours truly, Michael Robertson. First off this week I’d like to thank you guys for your hundreds upon hundreds of well wishes, good luck messages and positive feedback in the comments section last week, it’s very much appreciated. With that being said, let’s get this show on the road…

After a brief recap of last week’s mischief, the brand new female announcer introduces us to the “Interim General Manager” for the second straight week, one William Regal. Flanked by Ezekiel and Vladimir, Regal claims that it was unfair he was not allowed to put Christian in a 4 on 1 handicap match last week. Since he hasn’t had a fair shot at the ECW Title, Regal plans on making himself number 1 contender. Shock horror this brings out Zack Ryder to no music and I kid you not, silence. Christian comes out and sarcastically remarks that this is great television, this coming from the guy who was in TNA by the way. For some reason Christian brings out Angelo (a janitor), who cleaned a couple of toilets, apparently far more deserving for this than Ryder or Regal. We then move to the next in the line, the awesome Tony Atlas, the only good part of the Abraham Washington. Atlas begins to laugh, which is apparently more of an accomplishment than Regal and Ryder have ever mustered. Next is Yoshi Tatsu, who actually won some matches, against Ryder and Regal too. Christian believes that Tatsu is a more deserving No.1 contender, as they start the very same joke that happened last week. Christian introduces the hottest GM in WWE, which isn’t too difficult, the returning Tiffany. Ryder will face Christian tonight in a rematch, whilst Tatsu faces Regal. Not forgetting the badass two, Jackson and Ezekiel will also be in tag team action, right now.

 

1. Vladimir Koslov and Ezekiel Jackson vs. Tommy Dreamer and Goldust.

A battle between two trim and lean stars, against two out of shape fat asses in Tommy and Goldust. Dreamer and Koslov start this one, as the Ivan Drago of WWE is hit with multiple elbows, before Goldust is now tagged in. The two begin to work on the shoulder, connecting with a double Russian leg sweep. Goldust and Jackson tag in now, Jackson flying to the outside. Dreamer charges from the apron and connects with a front senton of sorts, as Jackson is thrown back into the ring. As Goldust gets distracted on the apron by Koslov, Jackson recovers, knocking Goldust to the outside. Some typical heel shenanigans by Koslov, who repeatedly head butts Goldust in the chest. Multiple tags by Koslov and Jackson, who beat the snot out of Goldust, as the fans once again, remain silent. Goldust makes the hot tag and in comes the only person the crowd cares for, Tommy Dreamer, going wild on both of his opponents. Mere seconds after Dreamer’s entrance and the crowd fall into silence again, god what an awful crowd. As Dreamer gets distracted in disposing of Koslov from the apron, he turns around and is thrown to the mat with the Rock Bottom type finisher, this one’s over guys.

Winners: Vladimir Koslov and Ezekiel Jackson.

Thoughts: **. Could have been way better if the crowd gave even a tiny bit of interest in the match, tell me the point of paying to go watch a show and then making not a single sound for the night.

That smooth talking devil William Regal tries to influence Tiffany to announce him as No.1 contender, but to no avail. Tiffany confidently says, without any irony, that John Cena could pick ECW over Smackdown if he loses at the next PPV.

2. Yoshi Tatsu vs. William Regal.

Poor Yoshi, he tries his very best to get the crowd on their feet, but to no avail, god damn it. Intersting story about Yoshi, numerous allegations of sexual harassment have been made apparently against young Yoshi, who’d have thought? As the bell rings the referee realizes Regal’s laces are open, in truly brilliant television. Yoshi straight on the offensive with Uppercuts and dropkicks, as Regal’s laces are apparently still open. Matt Striker repeatedly refers to Bill as “Master Regal”, it’s not the 90’s anymore Matt, and this isn’t WCW. The poor man’s Tajiri goes to the outside now, as we head to a commercial break. Back now and Regal just picks up Tatsu and drops him through the middle rope and to the outside, bashing his head into the announcers table. Brutal clubbing elbow by Regal, as he locks in a sleeper hold, constantly using submission holds to keep Tatsu grounded. Butterfly suplex by William, as Striker again calls him Master, a “this is boring” chant begins, really showing how awful the ‘E’s fans are. You thought ROH fans were bad, at least they kind of appreciate good wrestling. These morons think just because John Cena isn’t in the ring or that people aren’t flying about in fast paced matches, it must be an awful match. Tatsu almost gets the win with a Roaring elbow, as he heads to the top rope, only to miss a spinning heel kick. As Regal goes to finish him off, Tatsu clubs him with the same kick as last week, Yoshi wins again! Oh wait, “Master” Regal’s leg was underneath the bottom rope, as Koslov and Jackson come out. All three men back the referee into the corner, oh snap this is not a good situation to be in. Nothing comes of it though, apparently it’s completely fine for a man to be screwed of the win these days.

Winner: Yoshi Tatsu (kind of).

Thoughts: **. O.K match I guess, nothing too special, the fans made it worse yet again.

3. Zack Ryder vs. Christian.

As Ryder makes his entrance, William Regal is STILL bickering with the referee. In fact Regal and his buddies are going to stay and watch this one, I’m still not sure if this one’s a title match or not though. Competitive back and forth actions to start this one, as both men try to gain the upper hand in the early goings. Top rope Uppercut by Christian, only for Ryder to soon after send him neck first into the bottom rope. Baseball slide by Ryder, as Christian is sent to the outside, commercial time! Both trade back and forth only for Ryder to connect with a Fame Asser of sorts, two count only though. At last the mute fans come alive, getting behind Christian, who almost gets the three count, but alas to no avail. Momentum is beginning to be built now, as Christian connects with an unexpected spinning heel kick. Back to the top rope now and Christian connects with a cross body, only a two count though. Just in case you needed more of Christian climbing to the top rope, he connects with a top rope DDT, only a 2 count again though. He goes for the terribly named Kill Switch, only for Ryder to counter into an awesome Tiger Bomb, 1…2 kick out! To the outside goes Ryder, as Christian ridiculously again climbs to the top rope, cross body to the outside. Oh I wonder what’s going to happen now, as Vladimir Koslov head butts Christian, DQ finish. The awesome Ezekiel Jackson throws Christian from the outside into the ring, as William Regal waits inside, charging and kneeing him in the head. Ryder is incredibly ticked off, so much so that he thought stepping into the ring against the badass three was a good idea. Jackson finishes him off with his finisher, as the three stand victorious; Regal reigns supreme as we fade to darkness.

Winner: Christian (via DQ).

Thoughts: ** ¾. Nowhere near the quality of their last two matches, plus the horrible crowd didn’t get into the match until the closing stages. I didn’t actually mind the finish though, since I’m a big fan for the badass three. Hey I know it’s an awful name, but if the WWE can’t put any effort into naming them, why should I come up with a good one?

Final Thoughts: An O.K show I guess, nothing particularly worth watching though. To the fans in Trenton, New Jersey, you were so quiet tonight, I alone in that arena could have made more noise. This show could have been at least a little bit better if you guys would stop sitting on your hands, have a good time and use those vocal chords.

Thank you for reading this recap and in fact Pro Wrestling Ponderings as a whole, as we continue ascending with a new website on the horizon. We wish all of you will join us as we seek to make PWP the best site for news and articles on the independent scene. My name’s Michael Robertson, stay classy San Diego.

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Hello all, and welcome to CHIKARMY Insider, in the Conservatory, with the Lead Pipe. Yeah, that’s how we do. We do lead pipe. As you may or may not have noticed, this week’s Insider is two days late. Now, I really wish that I had some sort of grand explanation for it: my wife died, a plane hit my favorite restaurant, there was a good football game on, etc. The truth is much simpler, and pretty embarrassing: I forgot to post it. I wrote it up and…forgot a very important step! Yep, it was my lunch hour earlier today and I wanted to see what others had written. Well, much to my surprise…my article wasn’t there. Nicely done, me. Had to wait ‘til now to post. Sorry fans…er, fan. To make up for this, next’s week article WILL be on time and WILL feature an all-new Horrible Gimmick~! Rejoice! This week’s episode features a DVD review of “The Bobliographon”, more poorly-conceived threats from UltraMantis Black, and info on the October shows, including a look at the final four teams in this year’s Cibernetico, with one HUGE surprise team that…You. Won’t. See. Coming. Look at me! I’m the ending to a bad horror trailer!

Chikara DVD Review:

The Bobliographon

The Bobliographon might as well have been called “Night of the Grudges”, as there were four matches that had heated back-stories with issues that needed settling. Some of the conflicts were ended…others continued to burn. Incoherence looked to end their feud with The Roughnecks, Vin Gerard continued his feud with Glacier, and The Future is Now looked to tear The Osirian Portal apart. The main event saw the biggest feud in Chikara explode into all-out war as The Colony, looking to avenge their fallen brother Worker Ant, teamed with Mike Quackenbush and Jigsaw to face Buck Hawke and the men who ended their brother’s career: F.I.S.T.

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1. Claudio Castagnoli vs. Shadow Phoenix - ***1/2

Really good contest between these two, which is NOT a surprise if you’ve ever seen a match pitting Claudio against any small, athletic, flying wrestler. This match was much crisper than Shadow’s bout the night before against Gran Akuma. Finish was good, but I was shocked that it only took a Bicycle Kick to cut Shadow Phoenix down. It made Claudio look beastly, which was the point I guess.

PROMO - The Super Smash Brothers

These guys always slay me when they get time to talk. This was the first time I took notice of how thick Dos’ French-Canadian accent is. It was startling.

PROMO - 2.0

See Above. Well, not the French-Canadian thing. That’s exclusive to Mr. Dos.

2. Elimination Match - Cheech & Cloudy vs. 2.0 vs. The UnStable vs. The SSB - ***1/4

Good match. I really wasn’t into a lot of the stuff at the beginning, but after the 2.0 elimination, things picked up nicely. There was an absolutely huge moment that occurs after the second elimination and would foreshadow events to come in Chikara. But the really meat here was the exchanges between the Smash Brothers and Cheech & Cloudy. They had a terrific match last year at Aniversarioct, and they picked up right where they left off here.

PROMO - The Order of the Neo-Solar Temple

I don’t even remember this promo to be honest, so it couldn’t have been that important. I remember UltraMantis said something about wielding the “ultimate power”, which would be big later on in the show and in Chikara as well.

3. Create-A-Wrestler vs. UltraMantis Black w/ Crossbones - *3/4

Well, you knew the quality couldn’t stay that high forever. This served no real purpose other than driving the point home that CAW sucks without a fan-made gimmick…which we already knew. Pay attention to the commentary though, as some previously unknown info sees the light of day.

4. Grudge Match #1 - Incoherence vs. The Roughnecks - ***3/4

This is the night’s first grudge match, and it was awesome. Some of the cheap double team moves from the Roughnecks had me in stitches. At one point, Brodie sat on the top turnbuckle and lifted Frightmare in the air by his head. Kingston then started peppering his midsection with fists and elbows. Highlight of the match was seeing a Go 2 Sleep Hollow on Kingston, followed by Shadows Over Heck by Delirious and the Kneecolepsy by Frightmare. It’s a shame these guys didn’t get more time as a trio; after the match, UltraMantis kidnapped Delirious using what appeared to be the Eye of Tyr.

PROMO - Claudio Castagnoli

Claudio has always seemed a little clunky on promos, which is understandable given his grasp of English is not always an easy one. The heat he brought, however, was great, and I truly felt like Claudio had been disrespected.

ANNOUNCEMENT - A New Partnership Forms!

When this company was first announced, I said on a few forums that all they needed to be successful was some involvement from other indies, mainly Chikara. I feel brilliant.

5. Shark Girl vs. Sara Del Rey - **

I really enjoyed this despite the length. I’m a dirty mark for Daffney and Del Rey, so the three person shark bite spot had me giggling, as did the chant afterwards.

6. Grudge Match #2 - The Osirian Portal vs. The Future is Now - ***

The story of the match involved the strife within the Osirian Portal, as Escorpion had lost several contests and appeared to lack focus in some of his matches. While the wrestling was good, I felt that the story itself was forced. They really must have put this together at the last minute; at least that’s what it felt like. Still, it got the point across, albeit somewhat disappointingly, and the action was crisp.

PROMO - Vin Gerard

If you’ve seen one Vin promo, you’ve seen them all. I much prefer him with his UnStable brethren where those guys can really shine in their smug insecurity. But this was solo Vin, so it was just OK.

7. Grudge Match #3 - Vin Gerard vs. Glacier - **

I’ll admit I actually really enjoyed the early stuff. The old-school chicken heel stuff was layered on thick, and had they exploded in the end, I would have lauded this match. Instead, they kept it slow and boring almost constantly. It became tedious to the point of near fury, and not in a good way. Not in a way that made me appreciate Vin Gerard’s heel work. After the match, I decided to do something more interesting…so I watched bark fall off a tree. Weeeee.

8. Grudge Match #4 - Fire & Soldier Ant and QuackenSaw vs. Buck Hawke & F.I.S.T. - ***3/4

Great way to end the show. It’s just good business for your MOTN to be in main event. Shocking, right? Everybody did great, and the heat was awesome. It set the stage for the feud-ending match between F.I.S.T. and the Colony, but also added to a growing QuackenSaw vs. F.I.S.T. rivalry, which would be big in the coming months. My only complaint would be that there was too much Buck Hawke. He’s fun…in small doses. Great match though.

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Two of the best young wrestlers Chikara has to offer will be clashing in Easton, Pennsylvania on October 17^th. Frightmare, after emerging victorious over Brandon Jonathan Michael Taylor Thomas in a rematch from the Young Lions Cup Tournament, has earned a title shot again Player Dos for his Young Lions Trophy. Both guys can be considered risk takers, so it could be either guy walking away as champion. Dos has the experience and the size advantage, but Frightmare’s ferociousness may not have a rival in Chikara.

An intriguing match-up in Easton will pit two teams with internal issues against one another. Green Ant called out the mysterious Carpenter Ant on his perceived lack of motivation, while Crossbones, after losing in the main event of Never Kneel at the Altar of Conformity, was nearly kicked out of the Order before UltraMantis allowed him to stay. Now Crossbones will be looking for revenge and gain favor with his friend by taking down the two youngest members of The Colony. The key to the match appears to be whichever team can get along will win…but there are no guarantees that either team can keep their grumbling in check.

Dasher Hatfield had some trouble getting a hold of the Super Smash Brothers, so he decided to find a new partner in his quest for three points. Well, Sugar Dunkerton answered the call. Unfortunately, they have to go up against some Badd dudes in Philly. The Badd Boyz, after beating the Colony to get their first point, could be looking at a possible three-point match-up here if they get past Helios and Dorado the night before. With that extra incentive, it’ll be tough to get past Chad and Brad; but if anyone can do it, it’s Dash & Dunk. Team Sports. BASEketball. The Old-Schools. Cloak and Dagger. Dash of Sugar. The Hardy Boyz. Team Discovery Channel. Just pick a name already…

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After being left out of this year’s Cibernetico, both The Osirian Portal and the Roughnecks probably feel a little bitter. I mean, let’s face it; they know that neither of their respective teams is winning a popularity contest anytime soon due to their bad guy shenanigans. But it’s still gotta sting when you’re pass over for an outsider team. It’s like their being one spot left on a dodge ball team and, instead of choosing you, the captain chooses someone from another school. It’s exactly like that. But with wrestling. The two teams will look to take frustrations out on each other. Or maybe they’ll hug it out. Probably not though.

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New Chikara DVD Releases:

Man Makes Plans, And God Laughs

Springfield, MA ~ 09/12/2009

1. Brendan Michael Thomas vs. Frightmare

2. The Badd Boyz vs. Fire & Green Ant

3. Grizzly Redwood vs. Steve “The Turtle” Weiner

4. Colin Delaney vs. Dasher Hatfield

5. The Super Smash Brothers vs. UltraMantis Black & Delirious

6. SeaDonsters No More: Tim Donst vs. Hydra

7. Vin Gerard, STIGMA & ???? vs. Mike Quackenbush, Lince Dorado & Equinox

8. Ophidian Returns: The Osirian Portal vs. Icarus & Chuck Taylor

9. For The First Time: Hallowicked vs. Claudio Castagnoli

Hiding In Plain Sight

Nashua, NH ~ 09/13/2009

1. Icarus & Chuck Taylor vs. Incoherence

2. Ariel vs. Sara Del Ray

3. Champions Of Charity Award Presentation

4. Eddie Kingston & Grizzly Redwood vs. UltraMantis Black & Delirious

5. Dragon’s Farewell: Mike Quackenbush & Jigsaw vs. Claudio Castagnoli & Bryan Danielson

6. The UnStable & 2.0 vs. Dasher Hatfield, Equinox, Lince Dorado, Carpenter Ant, & Green Ant

7. Young Lion’s Cup: Player Uno vs. Player Dos

8. Campeonatos de Parejas: The Osirian Portal vs. Fire & Soldier Ant

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This is Dragon Gate’s first time running in Sumo Hall, and by the looks of things they really packed the fans in there. Good for them, outdrawing the bigger Japanese promotions.

March 22, 2009 - Tokyo, Japan

Man I haven’t done a Dragon Gate PPV review in a while. Here are the champions as we head into the show:
Open the Dream Gate Champion: Naruki Doi
Open the Twin Gate Champions: Gamma & Susumu Yokosuka
Open the Triangle Gate Champions: Shingo Takagi, Dragon Kid & Taku Iwasa
Open the Brave Gate Champion: Masato Yoshino

The show starts with a video package highlighting all of the feuds heading into the show, narrated by the commentators. Thirty minutes of it before the first match starts. I’d go crazy if I wasn’t able to fast forward this stuff.

KAGETORA {W5} & RYOMA {W5} vs. Akira Tozawa {K} & Kenshin Chikano {K}

KAGETORA and Chikano start, with KAGETORA predictably getting the upper hand. RYOMA and Tozawa tag in, with the more seasoned of the two again gaining control. RYOMA takes a kick sandwich, giving Tozawa 2. Tozawa hits a senton for 2. The rookies trade strikes in an exchange that Chikano wins. Tozawa tags in just in time to eat a dropkick from RYOMA. KAGETORA tags in and keeps his team in control with a flying clothesline. Chikano tags in and slaps on an armbar but KAGETORA gets to the ropes. KAGETORA comes back with a knee kick for 2. Tozawa pushes Chikano out of the way and hits a butt butt. He hits a diving headbutt for 2, avoiding CIMA along the way. He hits a sick German suplex for 2 when KAGETORA makes the save. RYOMA hits Tozawa with the Space Flying Tiger Drop. KAGETORA and Chikano botch a spot. That’s sad, but KAGETORA quickly wraps things up with the Ikkitousen for the win at 6:31. Aside from Chikano’s nasty strikes and Tozawa’s fun shtick there wasn’t much to see here. RYOMA’s high flying felt tacked on and the finish was pretty rough too, which makes for a troublesome opener.
Rating: *¾

Masaaki Mochizuki {Z}, Don Fujii {Z} & Magnitude Kishiwada {Z}vs. Katsuhiko Nakajima, Kento Miyahara, & Takashi Okita
Mochizuki starts by kicking Nakajima’s face off. They dance around looking for kicks but finding nothing. Fujii tags in and kicks Okita’s knee out. He catches him on the floor with a shoulder tackle. Miyahara misses a dropkick, allowing Kishiwada to dump him into Fujii’s violent arms on the floor. Mochizuki kicks Miyahara’s back on the apron. He hits a vertical suplex for 2. He kicks Fujii by mistake, allowing Miyahara to hit a superkick and tag out. Nakajima starts to clean house but eats Kishiwada’s lariat. Okita runs in and spears everyone. He hits Kishiwada with the Jackhammer for 2. Kishiwada comes back with an abdominal stretch. Mochizuki does the same to Nakajima. Fujii tries on Miyahara but ends up caught in the hold himself. He comes back with chops and a Russian legsweep for 2. Mochizuki kills Miyahara with kicks for 2. Fujii clotheslines Mochizuki by mistake. How bad is the communication between the Zetsurins? Nakajima and his boys nail Mochizuki with all their signature moves but only get 2. Mochizuki flips through a German suplex from Nakajima but Miyahara immediately catches him with another for 2. Nakajima hits him with his own Twister. Fujii rushes in for the save and sumo slaps Okita around the ring. Miyahara dropkicks Okita by mistake and Fujii hits a lariat. Kishiwada follows with a top rope splash and a double chokeslam with Fujii for 2. Mochizuki kicks Okita to the mat for 2. A few more kicks are too much for Okita and he’s down for the count at 10:23. The miscommunication spots felt really, really telegraphed, but that’s my only gripe with the match. Aside from that there were plenty of creative spots, and good work from the vets and the Kensuke Office guys I’d never seen before.
Rating: **¾

Before anyone can clear the ring Stalker Ichikawa’s music plays and the crazy freak comes out to the ring. He calls out the next challenger in his PPV series and, somewhat predictably given who’s already in the ring, Kensuke Sasaki answers the call.

Kensuke Sasaki vs. Hollywood Stalker Ichikawa
Ichikawa avoids Sasaki to start. He tries to chop the big man in the corner but does no damage. Sasaki floors him with one chop. He lifts Ichikawa up by his tights but can’t hit the Northern Lights Driver. Ichikawa goes for the Kancho but Sasaki’s butt muscles are too strong. Sasaki hits a bodyslam for 2. He hits the Northern Lights Driver for the win at 1:30. That was fun for what it was. After the match Sasaki poses with his team and the Zetsurins.
Rating: *

Susumu Yokosuka © {W5} & Gamma © {W5} vs. Ryo Saito {RH} & Genki Horiguchi {RH} [Open the Twin Gate Championship Match]
Saito spits in Yokosuka’s face before the bell, setting the tone for the match. Yokosuka hits a lariat out of nowhere. Gamma nails Horiguchi with the cane. He does all his gross spitting moves to Horiguchi before Saito trips him and pulls him to the floor. Back in the ring Saito and Horiguchi double-team Gamma for 2. With Real Hazard in control the match slows way down. I thought that wouldn’t happen as much with Saito on the team. Saito chokes Gamma with a whip. He and Horiguchi spit on Gamma, a lot. Gamma spits back and kicks both opponents down. Yokosuka tags in and takes Horiguchi out with an exploder. The crowd gets loud now that Saito has to face his comeuppance. Kenichiro Arai distracts Yokosuka and Saito starts to take control. Yokosuka counters a hurricanrana to a powerbomb. Saito comes back with a German suplex for 2. Yokosuka and Gamma hit stereo low blows, and Gamma helps Yokosuka do the double-team German suplex spot he used to do with Saito. Yokosuka hits Gamma by mistake (enough!) and gets blue mist in his eyes. Saito hits a dragon suplex for 2. Gamma and Yokosuka come back with multiple cane shots on Horiguchi. Horiguchi catches Gamma with the Backslide from Hell for 2. Gamma returns the favor for 2. Yokosuka beats the snot out of Saito, but Saito no-sells it and this a lariat. Yokosuka no-sells that and hits a dragon suplex and the Jumbo no Kachi but Horiguchi trips the referee. The referee hits Horiguchi with a back suplex. Yokosuka dives onto Real hazard on the floor. Gamma hits Horiguchi with the Gamma Special and the Sky Twister Press for 2 when Saito hits the referee with the blue box. That’s enough to get disqualified at 12:37. The match was more frustrating than anything, both in productive and unproductive ways. It was productive in that Yokosuka and Gamma were not yet able to get a satisfying measure of revenge on Real Hazard for the harm done to them. It was unsatisfying in that it featured more wrestling clichés than any one match really needs.
Rating: **

Masato Yoshino © {W1} vs. CIMA {W5} [Open the Brave Gate Championship Match]
I have been so excited to watch this match! It’s a rematch of my 2008 Dragon Gate Match of the Year, for those of you not paying attention. CIMA controls to start. CIMA misses a knee and falls to the floor, but retains control when he blocks a suicide dive with the Venus. He puts on a seated abdominal stretch. He gets a Gory slide for 2. He works over Yoshino’s leg. Yoshino comes back with an enziguiri. He picks up the pace to disorient CIMA and hits an armbreaker. He stays on the arm for a while, twisting, armbreaking it, and hitting it with a dropkick. He puts on a hammerlock. He dodges the Venus and puts on the Coumori. He gets a big running start from the floor and dropkicks CIMA’s head on the apron. CIMA hits a roundhouse kick and a suicide dive. Back in the ring CIMA hits the Superdrol for 2. He hits a chasing dropkick. Yoshino hits the Swing Blade for 2. He puts on an octopus stretch but CIMA gets to the ropes. CIMA hits a Tree of Woe dropkick but misses the Tokarev. Yoshino pops up and this the shotgun dropkick. CIMA uses the momentum to roll back and up and hits a double stomp. He drops Yoshino’s face on the turnbuckle and hits another double stomp for 2. They fight up top until Yoshino hits an avalanche Sling Blade. CIMA’s neck seems reinjured so Yoshino takes a breather. That turns out to be a mistake as CIMA hits a superkick. Yoshino comes back with a crucifix pin for 2. He hits the Ude Yoshino and the Lightning Spiral for 2. CIMA blocks a second Lightning Spiral and kicks Yoshino’s head. His neck is too hurt to quickly capitalize and he gets caught with the Torbellino. Yoshino puts on the Sol Naciente but CIMA quickly counters to the Schwein for 2. He hits it again for 2. Since that’s not getting it done he climbs the ropes for the Meteora. Yoshino runs up to block it and hit an avalanche Lightning Spiral, but CIMA blocks that and hits the Neji to Hashi. He hits an implant DDT and the Meteora for the win and the title at 18:08. This wasn’t the technical masterpiece that their Dream Gate match was, but it was still a good time. Sure, they completely forgot about the arm, leg and neck damage they’d inflicted upon each other and chose an arbitrary point to start hitting their finishers, but with a post-injury CIMA I don’t expect much more.
Rating: ***½

Shingo Takagi © {K}, Taku Iwasa © {K} & Dragon Kid © {K} vs. BxB Hulk {W1} PAC{W1} & Naoki Tanisaki {W1} vs. YAMATO {RH}, Yasushi Kanda {RH} & Kenichiro Arai {RH} [Open the Triangle Gate Championship Elimination Match]
Kamikaze lost a bunch of non-title matches to the other two teams to set this up. Kanda isn’t interested in the three-way lock up to start that Iwasa and Tanisaki want. As such they team up to try to eliminate Kanda, but have no luck. Everyone tags out, but the dynamic amongst PAC, Kid and Arai is the same. Arai uses the referee to help him attack both opponents. Takagi, Hulk and YAMATO tag in for a New Hazard explosion. The crowd gets hot for it. It easily exceeds all the action to this point and Takagi comes out on top. Iwasa and Kid tie Hulk and Kanda together in a submission. Everyone else gets involved in submission action except Tanisaki, who breaks up the whole mess. Takagi and YAMATO brawl around the building. Hulk cleans house on Real Hazard. Takagi knocks Hulk from the ring with a lariat. World-1 and Kamikaze team up to hit a massive suplex on all of Real Hazard (including an interfering Saito). Takagi catches PAC with a DVD, interrupting a sequence that saw everyone dive to the floor. PAC gets fancy diving off of Takagi’s shoulders, only to get slapped in the face. He comes back with a swinging DDT for 2. Iwasa and Arai do one of their AraIwa double-teams on PAC. That was awesome! Arai wants a handshake but Iwasa has none of it and beats the crap out of him. World-1 kicks them both in the corner. PAC hits the shooting star knee drop, Hulk hits the EVO and PAC hits the fall-away firebird splash for 2. He hits a corkscrew shooting star press to Real Hazard on the floor. Kanda goes for a blue box attack, but ends up eating the box himself. Arai smacks Hulk with his beer bottle to eliminate World-1.

YAMATO takes Takagi down with a chair shot. Real Hazard gangs up on Kid. Kid blocks the Galleria but gets nailed with a brainbuster. That gets 2 for YAMATO. Arai spits booze in Takagi’s face, but the rest of Kamikaze catches him in the corner and Kid hits a super hurricanrana. Iwasa hits the Gouwan for 2. He hits the Noshigami for 2. Takagi gets the crowd fired up and hits MADE IN JAPAN for 2. Takagi should have learned he can’t put YAMATO away with that move. YAMATO counters the Last Falconry to the sleeper hold but Iwasa makes the save. Kanda hits Takagi with a black box, but ends up eating it when YAMATO misses a swing at Takagi. Kid catches Kanda with the Ultra Hurricanrana for 2. Takagi kills Kanda with the Pumping Bomber. He hits the Avalanche Falconry for 2. He hits another Pumping Bomber for the win at 18:25. The match was full of great nods to the past, like Iwasa and Arai’s interactions, the New Hazard exchange early on and specific spots between Takagi and YAMATO. I’m a little disappointed that the finish was so straight, with the strongest player in the match simply destroying the weakest, but it makes sense from a logical standpoint. Also the friendly fire attacks were kept confined to Real Hazard, and didn’t occur multiple times throughout the match as I’d feared, so points for that.
Rating: ***¾

Cyber Kong {RH} vs. Anthony W. Mori [Mask vs. Hair Match]
I have high hopes for this match, as previous matches in the feud have been filled with psychological brilliance. Kong has Real Hazard in his corner, and Mori is accompanied by the Shisas. Mori hits a dropkick at the bell but can’t put Kong down. He hits a hurricanrana and follows Kong to the floor with the Eleganton. Back in the ring he goes after Kong’s arm. Kong pushes Mori around the ring and then clubs him on the apron. He hits a side suplex. Saito distracts the referee while the rest of Real Hazard puts a pile of chairs in the ring. Kong hits a press slam on the pile. He batters Mori’s leg with a chair. He hits a splash for 2. He hits an avalanche, making Mori dead weight. The crowd gets fired up as Mori blocks the Cyber Bomb. He hits a dragon screw and goes for the miracle bodyslam. Twice he fails, the second time with Kong falling on top of him. He wisely changes his game plan, opting to dropkick Kong’s knee. He goes for a Boston crab but Kong easily powers out. Kong goes for a chair but Mori snatches it away. Kong tries to slug it out of Mori’s hands, eventually shoving into the little guy’s face. He sits Mori in the chair and delivers a German suplex. I love that spot, but it’s so crazy dangerous. Kong pulls out a pair of scissors and starts cutting Mori’s hair! Mori realizes what’s going on and delivers a powerbomb out of the corner. He breaks a chair over Kong’s head, but Kong powers through. Kong avalanches the referee and Real Hazard gangs up on Mori. The Shisas intervene on his behalf but end up eating the Pineapple Bomber. Kong hits Mori with the Cyber Driver and Real Hazard counts 3. Things break down as Real Hazard and the Shisas get involved again. The Shisas masks get ripped off, causing the referee to throw the match out at 9:03.

Kong is having none of it. He tries to cut Mori’s hair despite not winning the match. Mochizuki and Fujii run out and make the save. Mochizuki tells Kong if he wants Mori’s hair he’s going to have to get a 3 count from the referee. He asks Mori if he’s up for it. Mori nods and the match gets restarted. Kong attacks right off the bat. Mori tries to fight back, powering through Kong’s lariat and hitting a vertical suplex. Kong hits the Pineapple Bomber for 2. Mori gets a roll up for 2. Kong hits a wheelbarrow suplex. He motions that he’s going to go for the Eleganton and climbs the ropes. Mori cuts him off and hits a superplex for 2. He puts on a cross armbreaker and keeps Kong from countering to the Cyber Bomb. Kong gets to his feet and Horiguchi throws powder in Mori’s face, but that only fires Mori up to reapply the hold tighter. Kong starts to fade and the crowd goes crazy. Kong gets to his feet but Mori is still fighting. Saito spoils everyone’s day when he hits Mori with the blue box and Kong hits the Cyber Bomb for the win at 3:59. The placement of the match was brilliant, adding so much drama because Kong could quite logically lose his mask in a match second from the top. I could have done without the restart, as I’m not really sure what it did for anyone. The rest of the match was the top notch drama I’ve come to expect from these two, as Kong needed a ton of help to put the little man down but still looks strong because he’s a monster. Would have been perfect had it not been for the pointless restart. Mori lets Kong shave his head after the match.
Rating: ***¾

Naruki Doi © {W1} vs. Koji Kanemoto {Z} [Open the Dream Gate Championship Match]
Kanemoto goes after the leg to start. Doi tries to slug it out but gets dazed by Kanemoto’s kicks. Kanemoto landing these strikes hard. Doi puts Kanemoto on the floro with a forearm. Kanemoto comes back with a kick to the head from the apron. In the ring Doi’s dropkick is met with a knee kick. The feel of these first few minutes is that Doi is completely, hopelessly outclassed, and that Kanemoto can answer anything with a stiff kick or knee. Kanemoto starts focusing his kicks on Doi’s leg, but takes time out to please the crowd by washing Doi’s face. Doi tries to return the favor, but Kanemoto blocks that too. Kanemoto hits the scariest superplex I’ve ever seen, flipping Doi onto the apron! He hits a Falcon Arrow on the floor. Doi barely beats the count at 19, and for his trouble he eats a hard kick to the face. Doi gets his first real advantage when he blocks a moonsault with his knees, but even then his own knee is so damaged from Kanemoto’s kicks that he’s slow to capitalize. He hits the Dai Bosou. He suplexes Kanemoto to the floor and follows him out with a suicide dive. He ties Kanemoto in the ropes and beats him up some before hitting the top rope senton. He hits a back suplex for 2. Kanemoto swats away a dropkick and kicks Doi’s head. Doi hits the Doi 555 and the Bakatare Sliding Kick for 2. He calls for the Muscular Bomb but Kanemoto rolls through. Doi plops down for 2 but Kanemoto immediately puts on the anklelock. He grapevines the leg but Doi gets to the ropes. Kanemoto stays on the leg with a figure 4. Doi gets to the ropes but Kanemoto relentlessly attacks the leg. Kanemoto hits the moonsault for 2. He reapplies the anklelock but Doi counters to a roll up for 2. Kanemoto cuts off his momentum with a jumping knee. Doi comes back with the Bakatare Sliding Kick. He hits a tiger suplex for 2 when Kanemoto gets in the ropes. Kanemoto slips on the anklelock again. Doi pounds Kanemoto’s leg until he releases the hold. He unremittingly punches and bites Kanemoto’s knee. He climbs the ropes but his own knee gives out and Kanemoto catches him with a tiger superplex for 2. Doi’s chest is bleeding from the kicks earlier in the match. He ducks a kick and gets a roll up for 2. Kanemoto counters the V9 Clutch to a modified anklelock. Doi gets to the ropes. Kanemoto hits a senton for 2. Doi goes for the Avalanche Doi 555 but Kanemoto pulls him down and reapplies the anklelock. Every time Doi gets close to the ropes or close to escaping Kanemoto changes the angle of the hold. Eventually Doi scrambles to the ropes and the crowd collectively breathes a sigh of relief. Kanemoto hits an overhead superplex for 2. He hits a tiger suplex for 2. Doi roles through an anklelock and hits Bakatare Sliding Kicks to Kanemoto’s back and front. He hits a tiger suplex for 2. He hits three more Bakatare Sliding Kicks for 2 and the Muscular Bomb for the win at 27:41.

Reports from the show said that Doi’s injury (apparently one of Kanemoto’s kicks concussed him) hurt the match, but I think they pulled through with an excellent story. The issue going into the match was that Doi was afraid of the anklelock anyway, so the match being so consumed with that move made sense. Watching Doi struggle with Kanemoto, who might as well have been Undertaker on Hard Mode in WrestleMania 2000 for N64, was such a treat because both men played their roles so well. Yes, I stole that N64 comparison, but it’s fitting. In fact, I think this might be the best Dream Gate match I’ve seen from Dragon Gate (I’d have to watch CIMA vs. Yoshino again), and blows most of 2008 out of the water. Like most things on this show, the only thing I didn’t love was the finish, which saw Doi pretty much come back from nowhere to hit a few finishers and take the match. Though even that I suppose I could reconcile by saying that Kanemoto got too greedy going for the same submission over and over, giving Doi his opening to wear him down with his signature kick before hitting the Muscular Bomb.
Rating: ****¼

Overall
Some of the booking decisions on this show were weird, like restarting the hair vs. mask match and most of the finishes in general. That said that action in three out of four of the title matches and said hair vs. mask match were all quite good. I’d say track down the show if for no other reason than to watch Kanemoto dominate for 30 minutes with some of the most disgusting strikes you’ll see this side of a Japanese women’s wrestling training video.

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Welcome to “I’m With Stupid,” where this week, I make use of four really clichéd smark terms. Try and find them!

Before anyone asks, this week’s subtitle is in regard to the ROH World Championship debacle in New York on Saturday. Listen to the podcast to get my full opinion on the snorefest of a title bout, but the Twinkies related chanting was perhaps the best part of the entire match.

For the second straight week, no one did anything boneheaded enough for me to automatically anoint a “Stupid Person of the Week,” so the dreaded nominee list will be back! Who is it? Well, obviously, you’ll need to READ ON, HOMIES!

And I promise I’ll never do that again.

Oh! By the way…as a special bonus this week, since I’m relatively short on content, I give Hell in a Cell predictions (in a relatively serious tone), because I’m gonna be there live (possibly wearing my Hydra mask)!

TNA: Oh. My. God.

First, the positive: for the first time in seemingly forever, we got NO Cody Deaner pervading our television screens. Nothing. Nada. Unless I went blind halfway through the show, I didn’t have to catch a look at him. That automatically makes it the best Impact since I started “I’m With Stupid.”

In addition, we had a solid X Division match, a great promo from AJ, and a lot of mediocre stuff that didn’t offend the senses…until the main event.

Seriously…the Tag Team Championship Match was probably the worst match I have seen all year (and one of the worst I’ve ever seen), and that’s saying something from a guy who’s planning on eventually starting a side column called “Masochist Theater.”

Let’s forget for a second that the main event of the show went about three minutes, which is always a negative for me. We had a really predictable and yet REALLY stupid swerve with Foley turning on Abyss. Then, in the post match stupidity, we managed to see Abyss hit about a 3 on the Muta Scale because he got hit with a VHS tape.

Now kids, I don’t blame you if you don’t watch Impact, but words cannot describe how mind-numbingly painful it is to watch something like this. While I’ve never been hit with a videocassette, I imagine that being hit with one at full force would still not be enough for me to bleed buckets. Yes, there was barbed wire involved after the fact, but even barbed wire probably would not get as much blood as Abyss managed to get flowing.

Now we’re set up for a Foley-Abyss match at Bound for Glory that absolutely no sane person would ever want to see.

Thanks Russo! Thanks Ferrara!

WWE
Superstars: “Ask the Divas” was once again a complete waste of everyone’s time, but at least they had the good sense to hide it with the Recap section of the episode. Perhaps, just PERHAPS, this segment will soon make its departure from my weekly list of hatred, but don’t hold your breath Divas division. You might pop an implant.

A lot of people hated the Regal-Goldust match, but in a rare moment of sympathy, I’m going to defend it. While I hate DQ finishes as much as the next card-carrying IWC member, I’ll say that the match at least built to an angle for ECW, and that’s always a plus.

Smackdown: Overall, a fairly solid Smackdown this week. Other than a perfectly meaningless Kane squash of Jesse – pardon, Jeezy – that wasted valuable air time, we didn’t get much else that was offensive to the eyes, ears, and heart of yours truly.

Raw: I’m reasonably sure that when all is said and done, the guest host concept will go down as one of WWE’s greatest blunders, the publicity surrounding the hosts notwithstanding. Al Sharpton wasn’t that bad in terms of what he did on the show (since I think he appeared only three times and two of the three times were for short, meaningless backstage segments), but the crowd’s reaction of X-Pac Heat should have been a signal as to how much the “WWE Universe” disliked the decision to let him host. The final sign that it was a mistake, though, was the 3.1 rating for the show, down from the 3.4 for the previous two weeks.

As I was saying, he wasn’t THAT bad (but he was still bad), and there was far more to complain about for this week’s Raw.

First off, I’m convinced that the Divas Championship is cursed. The Butterfly Belt seems to make the women of whatever brand have it suck out loud. Seriously, since Mickie James won it, I don’t think she’s put on a single good match. I wasn’t expecting much out of her match with Rosa, but I got even less than expected.

Second, I’m officially narrowing down “Stupid Person of the Year” to three groups: Cody Deaner, The Raw Guest Hosts, and Chavo Guerrero. Never mind the fact that somehow, Chavo won a match that featured Hornswoggle (though it was a tag match and neither factored into the decision). The fact that the cause of Chavo’s burial was put into the Masterlock and Chavo actually HELPED him made absolutely no sense. I’m sure this means that Chavo has now developed a soft spot for the dwarf and this will lead to a face turn, but is anyone going to care?

It’s rare for a turn to happen in this manner, following a long losing streak, because it rarely works. MVP’s turn after months of jobbing was a fluke, not a way to build credible new stars. Turning Chavo, who has spent the better part of ten weeks continuously jobbing to a little person, isn’t going to help him get over with the crowds in either the short run or the long run.

Not a good Raw by any means, but there have been far worse with the guest hosts. I’m actually looking forward to Ben Roethlisberger next week, even if I won’t watch it ‘til Tuesday (not the band that sings ‘Voices Carry’).

ECW: There was nothing particularly bad about this ECW show, but is it so much to ask for an ECW title match at Hell in a Cell?!? I mean, honestly, I realize there’s no credible opponent for Christian to face right now, but at least give the people who buy the pay-per-view SOME reason to tune in next Tuesday. Is that so much to ask?

ROH: Look, Glory by Honor VIII was an alright show, as I noted in the podcast, and the Ladder War for the Tag Team Championship was EXCELLENT. That said, though, given that Eddie Edwards’ elbow condition may actually be worse than initially expected (as he reportedly has a SECOND fracture there), it becomes increasingly apparent that keeping the Tag Team Championship on the American Wolves was a flat out moronic decision.

Oh, and have I made it clear how much Aries-Williams sucked? It was so bad, that I’m going to a coin a new word for the match’s lack of quality: Atrocination. This thing was so bad that it was both an atrocity AND an abomination.

Hell in a Cell Predictions: Really fast:

World Heavyweight Championship (Hell in a Cell): CM Punk © defeats The Undertaker to retain, although I have no idea how in the hell he will ever pull it off. I just desperately want SOMEONE to hold the World Heavyweight Title for more than three months, something that hasn’t happened since 2007.

WWE Championship (Hell in a Cell): John Cena © defeats Randy Orton to retain, despite attempted interference from Legacy.

Hell in a Cell Match: D-Generation X defeats Legacy; in a perfect world, Legacy would continue gaining momentum, but in all likelihood, DX gets their win back after Breaking Point.

Unified Tag Team Championship: Batista and Rey Mysterio defeat Chris Jericho and Big Show © to become new champions; I’ve just got a feeling about this one, though I’d be thrilled if this DIDN’T happen.

United States Championship: The Miz defeats Kofi Kingston © and Jack Swagger to become new champion; a man can dream!

Intercontinental Championship: John Morrison © defeats Dolph Ziggler to retain. I could see this going either way, but I think Dolph gets the IC belt next month in their inevitable rematch.

Divas Championship: Mickie James © v. Alicia Fox – who cares?

If I manage to go 0-fer for these predictions, I will be making myself Stupid Person of the Week, by the way.

Stupid Person of the Week: AND THE NOMINEES ARE:

TNA: Abyss – for apparently thinking that outdated media = buckets of blood.

WWE: Whoever asked Al Sharpton to come to Raw – ‘nuff said.

MyNetwork TV - for getting one step closer to the abyss (not Chris Parks) that is non-existence.

Chavo Guerrero - for making my head asplode on Raw.

ROH: Adam Pearce - for keeping the tag belts on the Wolves despite Eddie Edwards’ injury AND for making me sit through that twenty minute atrocination of a World Championship match.

And the Winner Is…: Though it was a close one this week, the winner is Chavo Guerrero, barely edging out Adam Pearce! Chavo, you can pick up your trophy when any and all involvement with Hornswoggle finally comes to an end…which is to say about two weeks after the apocalypse.

Pearce, you can take solace in the fact that you’re still a better booker than Vince Russo and that at least you can build up quality World Title matches thanks to a budding feud between Aries and Cornette.

Until next week, stay stupid!

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Yes my legions of fans, it is I Michael Robertson, but not quite how you remember me, perhaps? Well due to the sad departure of one Zach Danielson, who’s work I very much enjoyed by the way, plus the small matter of no one showing any interest to recap the show, good old Mike has had himself a promotion!

So William Regal starts off this show in the backstage area, announcing that ECW GM Tiffany has been in a car accident. Therefore for one night only, due to his past experiences of being Raw GM, good old Bill will be taking over tonight. No longer will Christian face Zack Ryder, oh no, but he will face Ryder, William Regal, Vladimir Koslov AND Ezekiel Jackson in a 4 on 1 handicap match. Good luck with that, Christian.

Tony Atlas announces that Abraham Washington’s guest tonight will be John Morrison, this is my first ever time witnessing the Washington show. Is this guy meant to be heel or face, because he is very annoying. Abraham hypes up Hell in a Cell PPV, along with Smackdown’s 10 Year Anniversary, before proceeding to welcome one John Morrison. Oh great, if this couldn’t get any worse, John Morrison is on the mic. In the third cheap plug, Morrison plugs his t-shirt, before praising “Abe’s” show, to numerous boo’s. Atlas’ laugh is actually pretty funny, which is a lot more than can be said for Abe. Now to Dolph Ziggler, who Morrison criticizes for being far too arrogant, plus that Ziggler won’t be coming out victorious this Sunday. This brings out the greatest man ever, ever, Dolph Ziggler, which brings out another awful “comedy” spot. Washington says there isn’t enough time and that he has to wrap up the show, but Morrison is far too pre occupied in starting a Mr. Ziggles chant. Just before Mr. Ziggler gets to reply, the music hits and the show comes to an end. So they give Washington and Morrison plenty of mic time, but Ziggler just sits there brooding? Brilliant job.

Backstage and the badass three are joined by one Zach Ryder, who doesn’t want a handicap match, instead a singles. Regal says that the board of directors aren’t too happy with the 4 on 1 handicap match, god knows why, instead making it a 8 man tag. Our main event now shall be Zach Ryder and the badass three facing Goldust, Yoshi Tatsu, Tommy Dreamer and Christian.

1. Paul Burchill/w Katie Lea Burchill vs. Shelton Benjamin.

Now this one has potential, as we get a recap of last week’s Washington show, where Sheamus beat down on Benjamin. As Benjamin makes his entrance this week, Sheamus beats the snot out of him, throwing him into a ring post and then throwing him into the ring. Casper the Ghost walks back up the ramp with a smirk on his face, as the referee tends to Benjamin, not starting the match. As the bell is rang, Burchill drives Benjamin into the corner and delivers multiple kicks. Working on the same arm that was thrown into the ring post now, the fans rally behind Burchill’s opponent, but to no avail as he’s thrown shoulder first into the ring post. We are back and Burchill is still working on the arm, as the Boston crowd come up with an extremely original “U-S-A” chant. Burchill gets a close two count with a back body drop, before surprise surprise, locks in on the arm. Burchill’s attempted suplex is reversed into a neck breaker as the referee begins a ten count, The Gold Standard first to his feet. Just as he begins to find his feet for the first time in the match, Burchill elbows Benjamin in the head. Up on the top rope and Burchill is sent careering right back down to the mat again, as Benjamin goes for a cross body, but misses. Burchill with a diving knee drop, only a two count though as he goes back to work on the arm. Both men are back to their feet and just as Burchill charges off the ropes, Benjamin connects with a Pay Dirt out of nowhere. 1,2,3, this one’s over bizzach.

Winner: Shelton Benjamin.

Thoughts: ** ¾. Would have been even higher if Benjamin had any remote offense, bar a couple of punches. Nevertheless the match did tell a good story, as Benjamin continues to build up those W’s.

Cena/Orton hype video, as we get another display of what I call “Superman” Cena’s ridiculous display. Of course knowing Cena, it was followed by a corny ass, cheesy promo, I hope Orton knocks the bejeezus out of that piece of poo.

Striker and Mathews hype up the card, the match I’m most looking forward to is DX/Legay, which has been a very good feud in my opinion. I’m making a bet right now, Legacy are coming out of this one winners, tune in to the column next week to see if I’m right.

Christian gives a pep talk to all three of his team mates, as we head to ringside…

2. The Badass Three and Zack Ryder vs. Christian, Yoshi Tatsu, Goldust and Tommy Dreamer.

Now I love Zack Ryder and Regal’s trio are just beyond awesome, so it’s pretty clear who I want to win this one. Plus, Yoshi Tatsu is on the other team for god sakes, he sucks balls. Ryder and Dreamer start this one off, only for Dreamer to tag in Goldust soon after, Ryder tagging in Koslov. Jackson is tagged in soon after though, as Tatsu is brought into the fray. Tatsu’s pace helps him out as he avoids the aggressive Jackson, who tags in Goldust now. Jackson squashes Goldust like a bug, shouting like a madman, he’s awesome. Lord Steven Regal is in now, but again he tags in Ryder, as Goldust tags in Christian. Top rope uppercut by Ryder as Christian gets rid of all three of his partners, before tagging in Dreamer. Sidewalk slam and inverted DDT combo by Dreamer and Christian, followed by a powerslam by Dreamer. Back from the commercial and Jackson is beating up Dreamer, of course he is, it’s Ezekiel Jackson damn it. In comes Koslov now, repeatedly ramming his shoulder into Dreamer’s stomach, before the leader of the badass three is tagged in. Regal calls Dreamer “bloody pathetic”, as he clubs the fat ass ten times with elbows. Christian gets the hot tag but as he runs off the ropes, Koslov pulls them down, sending the ECW Champ outside. As Christian climbs back up to the apron, Jackson hoists him up with the suplex, lets him stay there for a while and then plants him down with a suplex. Ryder is in now and just as I type that, Koslov is tagged back in. Top rope drop kick by one Christian, as he makes the tag to Yoshi Tatsu, as Ryder is tagged in for the opposite side. Yoshi in firm control now, connecting with a top rope spinning heel kick, damn impressive. All hell breaks loose now as all of the participants brawl on the outside, Christian diving from the top rope onto all of them. Regal and Tatsu are the only men still in the ring, as the poor man’s Tajiri connects with a kick to the head. Tatsu gets the win!

Winners: Yoshi Tatsu, Goldust, Christian and Tommy Dreamer.

Thoughts: ***. What an enjoyable match that was, just a shame that the one guy I disliked the most, got the freaking pin! Still the majority of the match was controlled by the Badass 3, along with a bit of Ryder too. Let’s hope for a Extreme rules rematch sometime in the future, that would be even better.

Final Thoughts: Pretty good show, yet ECW prides itself on having at least three matches a show, this time it was two. It was also brought down by the awful Abraham Washington show, but the two matches themselves were actually entertaining.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read this recap, leave any feedback at all, even if it’s sending hate mail and begging for Danielson to come back. My name’s Michael Robertson, thanks for reading, Yoshi Tatsu sucks.

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