Pro Wrestling Ponderings

Yes my legions of fans, it is I Michael Robertson, but not quite how you remember me, perhaps? Well due to the sad departure of one Zach Danielson, who’s work I very much enjoyed by the way, plus the small matter of no one showing any interest to recap the show, good old Mike has had himself a promotion!

So William Regal starts off this show in the backstage area, announcing that ECW GM Tiffany has been in a car accident. Therefore for one night only, due to his past experiences of being Raw GM, good old Bill will be taking over tonight. No longer will Christian face Zack Ryder, oh no, but he will face Ryder, William Regal, Vladimir Koslov AND Ezekiel Jackson in a 4 on 1 handicap match. Good luck with that, Christian.

Tony Atlas announces that Abraham Washington’s guest tonight will be John Morrison, this is my first ever time witnessing the Washington show. Is this guy meant to be heel or face, because he is very annoying. Abraham hypes up Hell in a Cell PPV, along with Smackdown’s 10 Year Anniversary, before proceeding to welcome one John Morrison. Oh great, if this couldn’t get any worse, John Morrison is on the mic. In the third cheap plug, Morrison plugs his t-shirt, before praising “Abe’s” show, to numerous boo’s. Atlas’ laugh is actually pretty funny, which is a lot more than can be said for Abe. Now to Dolph Ziggler, who Morrison criticizes for being far too arrogant, plus that Ziggler won’t be coming out victorious this Sunday. This brings out the greatest man ever, ever, Dolph Ziggler, which brings out another awful “comedy” spot. Washington says there isn’t enough time and that he has to wrap up the show, but Morrison is far too pre occupied in starting a Mr. Ziggles chant. Just before Mr. Ziggler gets to reply, the music hits and the show comes to an end. So they give Washington and Morrison plenty of mic time, but Ziggler just sits there brooding? Brilliant job.

Backstage and the badass three are joined by one Zach Ryder, who doesn’t want a handicap match, instead a singles. Regal says that the board of directors aren’t too happy with the 4 on 1 handicap match, god knows why, instead making it a 8 man tag. Our main event now shall be Zach Ryder and the badass three facing Goldust, Yoshi Tatsu, Tommy Dreamer and Christian.

1. Paul Burchill/w Katie Lea Burchill vs. Shelton Benjamin.

Now this one has potential, as we get a recap of last week’s Washington show, where Sheamus beat down on Benjamin. As Benjamin makes his entrance this week, Sheamus beats the snot out of him, throwing him into a ring post and then throwing him into the ring. Casper the Ghost walks back up the ramp with a smirk on his face, as the referee tends to Benjamin, not starting the match. As the bell is rang, Burchill drives Benjamin into the corner and delivers multiple kicks. Working on the same arm that was thrown into the ring post now, the fans rally behind Burchill’s opponent, but to no avail as he’s thrown shoulder first into the ring post. We are back and Burchill is still working on the arm, as the Boston crowd come up with an extremely original “U-S-A” chant. Burchill gets a close two count with a back body drop, before surprise surprise, locks in on the arm. Burchill’s attempted suplex is reversed into a neck breaker as the referee begins a ten count, The Gold Standard first to his feet. Just as he begins to find his feet for the first time in the match, Burchill elbows Benjamin in the head. Up on the top rope and Burchill is sent careering right back down to the mat again, as Benjamin goes for a cross body, but misses. Burchill with a diving knee drop, only a two count though as he goes back to work on the arm. Both men are back to their feet and just as Burchill charges off the ropes, Benjamin connects with a Pay Dirt out of nowhere. 1,2,3, this one’s over bizzach.

Winner: Shelton Benjamin.

Thoughts: ** ¾. Would have been even higher if Benjamin had any remote offense, bar a couple of punches. Nevertheless the match did tell a good story, as Benjamin continues to build up those W’s.

Cena/Orton hype video, as we get another display of what I call “Superman” Cena’s ridiculous display. Of course knowing Cena, it was followed by a corny ass, cheesy promo, I hope Orton knocks the bejeezus out of that piece of poo.

Striker and Mathews hype up the card, the match I’m most looking forward to is DX/Legay, which has been a very good feud in my opinion. I’m making a bet right now, Legacy are coming out of this one winners, tune in to the column next week to see if I’m right.

Christian gives a pep talk to all three of his team mates, as we head to ringside…

2. The Badass Three and Zack Ryder vs. Christian, Yoshi Tatsu, Goldust and Tommy Dreamer.

Now I love Zack Ryder and Regal’s trio are just beyond awesome, so it’s pretty clear who I want to win this one. Plus, Yoshi Tatsu is on the other team for god sakes, he sucks balls. Ryder and Dreamer start this one off, only for Dreamer to tag in Goldust soon after, Ryder tagging in Koslov. Jackson is tagged in soon after though, as Tatsu is brought into the fray. Tatsu’s pace helps him out as he avoids the aggressive Jackson, who tags in Goldust now. Jackson squashes Goldust like a bug, shouting like a madman, he’s awesome. Lord Steven Regal is in now, but again he tags in Ryder, as Goldust tags in Christian. Top rope uppercut by Ryder as Christian gets rid of all three of his partners, before tagging in Dreamer. Sidewalk slam and inverted DDT combo by Dreamer and Christian, followed by a powerslam by Dreamer. Back from the commercial and Jackson is beating up Dreamer, of course he is, it’s Ezekiel Jackson damn it. In comes Koslov now, repeatedly ramming his shoulder into Dreamer’s stomach, before the leader of the badass three is tagged in. Regal calls Dreamer “bloody pathetic”, as he clubs the fat ass ten times with elbows. Christian gets the hot tag but as he runs off the ropes, Koslov pulls them down, sending the ECW Champ outside. As Christian climbs back up to the apron, Jackson hoists him up with the suplex, lets him stay there for a while and then plants him down with a suplex. Ryder is in now and just as I type that, Koslov is tagged back in. Top rope drop kick by one Christian, as he makes the tag to Yoshi Tatsu, as Ryder is tagged in for the opposite side. Yoshi in firm control now, connecting with a top rope spinning heel kick, damn impressive. All hell breaks loose now as all of the participants brawl on the outside, Christian diving from the top rope onto all of them. Regal and Tatsu are the only men still in the ring, as the poor man’s Tajiri connects with a kick to the head. Tatsu gets the win!

Winners: Yoshi Tatsu, Goldust, Christian and Tommy Dreamer.

Thoughts: ***. What an enjoyable match that was, just a shame that the one guy I disliked the most, got the freaking pin! Still the majority of the match was controlled by the Badass 3, along with a bit of Ryder too. Let’s hope for a Extreme rules rematch sometime in the future, that would be even better.

Final Thoughts: Pretty good show, yet ECW prides itself on having at least three matches a show, this time it was two. It was also brought down by the awful Abraham Washington show, but the two matches themselves were actually entertaining.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read this recap, leave any feedback at all, even if it’s sending hate mail and begging for Danielson to come back. My name’s Michael Robertson, thanks for reading, Yoshi Tatsu sucks.

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Dunkin’ Donuts Center – Providence, Rhode Island – 4.26.09

DVD Release Date: May 26, 2009

MATCH #1: ECW Championship Match – Jack Swagger vs. Christian

Swagger has been the champion since 1.13.09, and this is his fourth defense. They take it right to the mat, where obviously Swagger dominates. Christian comes back with slaps and a headlock, but Swagger escapes and knocks Christian down with two straight shoulderblocks. Swagger then picks Christian up over his head and drops him over the top rope to the floor like a sack of potatoes. Back in the ring the ECW Champion is firmly in control. Christian tires that swinging kick out of the corner he does, but Swagger blocks it and slams Christian down to the mat for a two-count. Swagger Rules. He continues working over the ribs with various submission holds and strikes. Christian comes back and hits that swinging kick out of the corner this time, but Swagger drops him with a knee to the gut. Swagger then tries a Vader Bomb, but Christian gets his knees up. Christian fights back with forearms and tries a tornado DDT. Swagger blocks the DDT but can’t block a sunset flip off the second rope, which gets two. That near fall seems to have irked Swagger, who picks Christian up and slams him down to the mat. The champion tries the gut-wrench powerbomb, but the challenger blocks it. Swagger sets Christian up on the top rope, and this time Christian is able to hit the tornado DDT for a two-count. Once again Swagger is irked by the near-fall, and hits a belly-to-belly suplex to show his frustration. The battle spills to the floor and Swagger appears to be going for a German Suplex off the apron to the floor. Someone’s been watching old ROH tapes, and I approve. Christian dumps Swagger back in the ring and goes up top, but Swagger stops him and back body drops him! This time Swagger hits the Vader Bomb but Christian kicks out at two! Christian tries the Killswitch, but Swagger reverses that to half an Oklahoma Stampede, and Christian reverses that to a rolling prawn hold for two. Both men are back to their feet, and this time Swagger hits the full Oklahoma Stampede for a two-count. A frustrated Swagger removes one of the turnbuckle pads, and while the referee is distracted with that, Christian does the same. Swagger charges and runs into the exposed steel, and then Christian hits the Killswitch to win the title at 11:00. That was an absolutely tremendous match, and I love how both guys didn’t give up on hitting their big moves. I think Swagger is totally the future of the WWE.
Rating: ***¾

MATCH #2: Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat vs. Chris Jericho

I wonder if they were planning on doing this one-on-one match all along, or if everyone was just so blown away by Steamboat at WrestleMania that they had to do this. Either way I’m ecstatic. Steamboat has dyed his hair for his first singles match on pay-per-view since facing Steve Austin for the United States title at Bash at the Beach on July 17, 1994. Jericho tries to stall, so Steamboat takes him down. Steamboat avoids outmaneuvers Jericho and hits a slingshot dive to the floor, wiping out the first-ever Undisputed Champion. Back in the ring Steamboat continues to control the younger Jericho, working in a few of his signature armdrags. Jericho finally makes the comeback when Steamboat tries to skin the cat, and Jericho viciously clotheslines him back over the ropes and to the floor. He hits the springboard dropkick, and Jericho is firmly in control now. Jericho puts on a modified Cobra Clutch. Steamboat fights out of that and hits an armdrag, but Jericho puts him right back down with a clothesline for two. Jericho grinds him down with a headlock, and Steamboat can’t even break it with a belly-to-back suplex. He tries the bulldog, but Steamboat pushes him off, and Jericho lands on the top turnbuckle. Steamboat hits a belly-to-back superplex, and Jericho kicks out at two! I wonder if Steamboat learned that from Bryan Danielson. Steamboat is on fire now, hitting a series of chops for another two-count. A powerslam gets another close near-fall for the Hall of Famer. Jericho comes back with the enziguiri for two. He hits the bulldog this time, and goes for the Lionsault, but Steamboat catches him in an Electric Chair, which Jericho rolls through to the Walls of Jericho! Steamboat reverses that but has trouble putting on the modified Figure-Four Leglock. Jericho rolls to the ropes, and now they fight on the apron. Steamboat dumps Jericho to the mat and goes up top for a high cross body block, but it only gets two! He goes to the second rope for a chop to the head, but Jericho catches him with a Code Breaker, but Steamboat gets his foot on the bottom rope! Jericho goes for a slam but Steamboat rolls it into a small package just like WrestleMania III, but Jericho kicks out at two. Moments later Jericho locks on the Walls of Jericho, and Steamboat has to tap out at 12:32. Obviously it wasn’t the Ricky Steamboat from the ‘80s, but you never forget how to work, and Steamboat is one of the greatest of all time. That was probably his last match, and it was a good one to go out on. The crowd gives him a respectful round of applause and a “you still got it” chant.
Rating: ***

MATCH #3: CM Punk vs. Kane

This match came about because Punk and Kane were the last two men on a ladder during the Money in the Bank match at WrestleMania. Punk tries to avoid Kane early on, but Kane is able to use his strength to work Punk over. That doesn’t last too long though, as Punk catches Kane in a cross armbreaker in the ropes. Punk goes after Kane’s right arm and shoulder, and knocks Kane to the floor. He tries to hit a slingshot dive, but Kane grabs him by the throat for a chokeslam attempt, which Punk avoids. He’s then able to hit a clothesline off the apron. Back in the ring he once again goes after Kane’s shoulder. Kane reverses a whip and sort of sends Punk’s ribs into the ring post, and then Kane kicks Punk all the way to the floor. He follows Punk out and slams his back into the steel ring post. Back in the ring Kane gets a two-count. The Big Red Machine goes to work on Punk’s ribs, locking him in a body scissors. Kane hits a clothesline for two, and continues the assault. He tries a Chokeslam, but Punk counters it with a single-arm DDT. Punk then locks Kane in a kind of Tarantula in the ropes, using the referee’s five-count to great effectiveness. He has until five, referee. Punk hits a springboard clothesline to the back of the neck, and then runs right into a big boot. Kane goes up top, and Punk catches him with an enziguiri. Punk tries Go 2 Sleep, but Kane avoids it. Kane tries to retreat in the corner, but Punk follows him in with the knee to the face and a bulldog for two. Punk tries another springboard clothesline, but Kane swats him out of the air for a two-count. Kane tries a powerslam but Punk reverses it to a cross armbreaker, which Kane powers out of with a side suplex for two. Punk avoids another Chokeslam with a series of kicks and strikes. But he can only avoid the Chokeslam for so long, as when Kane finally hits a two-handed Chokeslam (which pays off Punk’s arm work nicely) that’s enough for the pin at 9:25. That was solid and featured some nice psychology, but it felt more like something that could have happened on TV. I remember marks on the internet freaking out about Punk jobbing clean here, but I’m pretty sure he wound up okay.
Rating: **½

MATCH #4: “I Quit” Match – Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy

The younger Hardy is the aggressor early on, trying to pay his older brother back for costing him the WWE Title and beating him at WrestleMania. They take it to the floor pretty quickly, and Jeff uses the ring steps to jump off and wipe out his brother against the security wall. Back in the ring it’s all Jeff working over his older brother Matt. Jeff puts on a sleeper, but Matt still won’t quit. Matt counters by dropping Jeff’s chin on the top turnbuckle. Jeff climbs up top and Matt shoves him to the floor, but Jeff won’t quit yet either. Matt joins his brother on the floor and rams Jeff’s leg into the ring post twice. Back in the ring Matt locks on the Figure-Four Leglock, but Jeff refuses to quit. Matt continues attacking the leg, once again locking on a Figure-Four, but this time Jeff reverses it and Matt won’t quit. The elder Hardy reaches the ropes, and he’s still in better shape than his brother, so he goes right back to work on the leg. The crowd seems to be distracted with something else, which is always a bummer for the guys in the ring. Anyway, Matt sets Jeff up on the top rope, and Jeff knocks him down and hits the Whisper in the Wind. They get back to their feet and Jeff slugs away, and then he hits his reverse enziguiri. Now Jeff goes after Matt’s leg, locking him in a sort of Texas Cloverleaf, and Matt taps out but he won’t say “I Quit.” Matt gets to the ropes, so Jeff breaks the hold, probably out of habit. Jeff tries a Twist of Fate, and they blow it, so they redo the spot and Jeff hits the move. He goes up top and hits the Swanton Bomb, but Matt still won’t quit, so Jeff hits another one. Jeff then goes to the floor and produces a table. Matt rolls to the floor to avoid the table, but Jeff hits a nice Twist of Fate instead. Back in the ring Jeff sets Matt on the table, and goes back under the ring for some duct tape and rope. Jeff duct tapes his brother’s legs and arms together, and then uses the rope to tie him to the table. Then he goes outside the ring again and brings in a ladder! He takes the shirt off so the girlies can scream, and starts climbing the ladder. Matt is completely helpless, duct taped and tied to the table, so he apologizes to his younger brother, tells him he loves him, pleads with him not to listen to the people, says that their mother and father would not approve, and then says “I Quit” to end the match at 19:06. I like the lengths that Jeff went to in order to get back at his brother. The finish was reminiscent of John Cena versus JBL from 2005, but I think it worked in the context of this story too. This was about on par with their WrestleMania match.
Rating: ***¼

Great Khali Kiss Cam with Santina Marella

This abomination of a segment leads to an impromptu match for the Miss WrestleMania crown, with Beth Phoenix challenging. Santina takes advantage of Khali bopping Beth on the head by calling for the bell and literally getting the win in 0:03. This segment would have been irritating on free TV, but on pay-per-view it’s inexcusable.
Rating: DUD

MATCH #5: 6-Man Tag Team Match for the WWE Championship – Triple H, Batista & Shane McMahon vs. Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase

Triple H has been the champion since 2.15.09, and this is his second defense. I guess Shane McMahon gets to be involved in every six-man tag team match that’s also for the WWE Title. The good guys attack right away and Triple H takes Orton up the aisle and seemingly disposes of him. The referee forces DiBiase and Rhodes to start the match in a three-on-two situation. The commentators don’t really make much of a big deal out of that. Batista and Rhodes start the match proper. If either Rhodes or DiBiase scores the pin, Orton will win the title, and if Shane or Batista scores the pin, Triple H will retain the title. Obviously Rhodes gets worked over pretty harshly in the opening minutes. DiBiase gets the same treatment, as it’s all babyfaces for a while. Batista takes the fight to DiBiase on the floor, and Orton comes back from out of nowhere and rams Batista into the steel ring post. Orton tags into the match officially and goes to work on Batista. The entire Legacy trio goes after the Animal’s head, and Orton hits the rope-assisted DDT (give that thing a name; in fact, there are many wrestling moves hanging around that need names) for two. DiBiase grinds away with a headlock, which Batista breaks with a belly-to-back suplex. They stop Batista from making a tag initially, but the next time he’s able to tag Shane as Orton tags Rhodes. Shane quickly takes it to the floor and starts rearranging the announce table, but DiBiase breaks that up. Back in the ring Shane hits an elbow off the top rope for two, as DiBiase pulls him to the floor and Orton whips him into the steel steps knees-first. Rhodes tags Orton to make him the legal man, and he commences working Shane over. Rhodes and DiBiase get their shots in too, as Legacy displays some impressive teamwork. I like the story of Triple H having to stand on the apron and watch his title being defended for him. Legacy keeps Shane isolated for many minutes, working him over in their half of the ring and making sure he doesn’t make the tag. DiBiase puts Shane in the Million Dollar Dream, but Shane escapes it and hits a DDT. Both men are down, and DiBiase makes the first tag to Orton, and then Shane makes the hot tag to the WWE Champion Triple H! The Game is on fire, pitching Rhodes and DiBiase to the floor, and nailing Orton with a huge spinebuster for two. Batista takes the battle to DiBiase on the floor, while Rhodes breaks up a Pedigree attempt with a DDT on the Game. Shane clotheslines Rhodes to the floor, leaving just Orton and Triple H in the ring. Somehow Triple H and Orton are both down in the ring, while Rhodes cracks Shane with a chair on the floor. Orton and Triple H rise, and Orton tries the RKO, which Triple H reverses to a Pedigree attempt. Triple H then sees Batista about to use a chair on the floor, and he stops him because a DQ in this case would result in a title change. The confusion leads to Orton hitting an RKO for a very near fall – so near in fact that the bell rings, but rest assured the match is not over yet. Seconds later Orton hits the Punt Kick to score the pin and win the WWE Championship at 22:49. The heat segments felt a little long, but overall the match was a fun chaotic brawl, and Triple H jobbed pretty clean.
Rating: ***½

MATCH #6: Last Man Standing Match for the World Heavyweight Championship – John Cena vs. Edge

Cena has been the champion since 4.5.09, and this is his first defense. The crowd is hot for the start of this one. They start pretty slowly, and counter each other’s signature moves, since they’ve battled so many times in the past three years. Edge gets the early advantage and gets ac couple of counts on Cena, but of course not a 10-count just yet. Last Monday on Raw Edge gave Cena a con-chair-toe, so they’re playing up Cena’s head trauma for this one. Edge locks Cena in a sleeper hold, but that can’t keep Cena down. In fact Cena fires up with one of his signature comebacks, and he tries the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Edge avoids it and locks on a Sharpshooter. That’s still not enough to keep Cena down for a 10-count, so Edge takes it to the floor, sets Cena’s head on the steel steps, and then misses a charge and rams his shoulder into the steel. Edge recovers and whips Cena into a different set of steps. Cena makes it back to his feet and this time he whips Edge into the steps. They go back to the ring, and Cena brings the steps with him. Unfortunately for Cena, that gave Edge time to recover, and he kicks Cena square in the face. Edge then uses the steps to his own advantage, ramming them into Cena and then dropkicking them into Cena’s body. Cena won’t stay down, so Edge charges and gets dumped over the ropes and to the floor. The champion then grabs the steps and whips them over the ropes and right into Edge’s face. Somehow Edge makes it back to the ring and they trade blows. Surprisingly the crowd is more in support of Edge at this point. Both competitors knock each other out with punches. They get back up and go for big moves, but it’s Edge hitting a belly-to-back suplex to take Cena down. Cena recovers and locks on the STF, and Edge taps out but it doesn’t matter in this Last Man Standing match. That doesn’t work so Cena tries the Attitude Adjustment, but Edge slips out and hits a Spear. Edge goes up top and Cena meets him up there for a Super Attitude Adjustment! Both men are down and the referee starts the count. Cena gets up before Edge, who barely gets up at the count of nine. The champ goes up to the top rope for the flying something, and Edge catches him out of the air with a Spear. They take the battle to the floor and onto the announce table, where Cena delivers the Attitude Adjustment onto a bunch of “fans.” Edge makes it back up at nine, and tries to run away through the concourse of the arena. Cena will have none of that, of course, and they fight through the arena floor. They make it to the entrance area, and Edge hits an Edgecution on the steel. Edge finds a chair and wallops Cena with it, and then hits him again in the head, but still can’t get the 10-count. The challenger tries a Spear, but Cena catches him in the Attitude Adjustment. Unfortunately for the champion, the Big Show comes out and delivers a thunderous Chokeslam through one of the searchlights in the entrance area. That’s enough to keep Cena down for the 10-count and give Edge his ninth World Title at 28:24. I’m not a huge fan of the finish, but the match was terrific, with all kinds of cool spots and brutality. Edge and Cena just have excellent chemistry together, and this match proved it.
Rating: ****¼

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Justin Houston replaces Kevin Ford this week as he and Jerome discuss the weekend that was in Ring of Honor.

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This week’s The Silence of the CHIKARMY Insider will be a special one for all those that think the popularity of yo-yos amongst preteen boys during the mid-nineties was an uproarious monument to poor judgment. Seriously, there was a time when I would trade a nice pair of shoes for the right yo-yo, the yo-yo that would sustain my reputation well into high school. We’d get in fights over yo-yos, to the point where, and I’m being totally truthful here, yo-yos were banned from our middle school. The funniest part was that none of us could actually do anything with yo-yos. They basically served the same purpose as belt buckles do in Texas; it’s just some weird status kick. The bigger and shiner, the…better human being you are? Meanwhile, the four foot tall Japanese kid that picked his nose a lot and sat at the back of the bus was getting major young tail pulling off Double Gerbils and Tidal Waves in his sleep using a wooden yo-yo he probably whittled from a bedpost or a tree. We would’ve beaten him up, but we all just assumed he knew karate. We also thought he could’ve easily killed us with a well-timed yo-yo strike, and he wouldn’t need to stop picking his nose to do it. We cheated off his math quizzes, too. He was a good person. So what does this have to do with Chikara, or Clarice Starling for that matter? The answer is nothing. Not a thing. I felt like talking about yo-yos.

First up is an update of Chikara’s upcoming October shows, with a lot of attention given to Cibernetico Increible, where the first eight competitors have already been announced. I’ll break it all down, partner match-up by partner match-up, and feed it to you like a momma bird. Then, I’ll eat you alive…because sometimes momma birds do that, too. Don’t freak out. Nature can be weird. Then, I’ll give you the news and notes that you love. It’s powerful, unwavering love, so who am I to deny you what you worship? I really need to come up with an ostentatious name for the general info. Maybe next week I’ll just call it Other Stuff, but the banner will look spectacular, like the fourth of July on hallucinogens. We’ll see. Lastly, you’re getting another week of Classic Chikara to go with your nice Chianti, this time focusing on Cibernetico and Robin, the Cibernetico event from 2007. I threw in two extra videos as well because…because I have that power. And I abuse it with upsetting regularity.

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Both Player Uno and Claudio Castagnoli have had their issues lately, causing both men act…shall we say grumpy? Claudio is still locked in a battle with Eddie Kingston over respect (or lack thereof) and Uno is convinced that, despite already losing the partner and friend Player Dos twice, he CAN beat him (more on that below). The two heavyweights will pause from their respective quarrels and take their frustrations out on each other. It’ll be “The Stalwart Swiss Skyscraper” versus the “Masked Master of the Mushroom Kingdom”.

You may have noticed that the scheduled match between Gran Akuma and Jigsaw has been changed, with STIGMA replacing the “Mysterious Mythological Warrior from Afar”. As storied as the bad blood between Akuma and Jigsaw is, the rivalry between Jig and his former partner is much more personal. Starting in 2006, Jigsaw and STIGMA, at the time known as Shane Storm, ShaneSaw collectively, would tag with their mentor, Mike Quackenbush. They feuded with Icarus and Akuma, emerging victorious in both Hair vs Mask and Mask vs Mask matches. In early 2007, they became the top trio in Chikara, tagging with Quackenbush to win that year’s King of Trios. But that year would have a bittersweet ending, as Jigsaw and Quackenbush had arguments that lead to Jigsaw’s departure from the company. In 2008, Quack and Storm would gain three points, earning a title shot. The title shot would never come, as Quack would find out that Shane Storm had betrayed him. This would lead to a feud between the two that saw Shane Storm become STIGMA and join The UnStable with Colin Delaney and leader Vin Gerard. At the end of 2008 show “Duel and Duality”, Quack’s tag partner was beaten and injured by his opponents, Colin Delaney and STIGMA, before the match began. Jigsaw would make his surprise return to team with Quackenbush, ending the feud with his former teacher. Now, for the first time in their history together, Jigsaw and STIGMA will go one-on-one.

It’s Badd news for The Future is Noww. On October 17^th in Easton, Helios and Lince Dorado will have to take on two of the tuffest men to ever walk this Earth: Brad and Chad Badd. The Badd Boyz strategy will be simple: groundd and poundd the ethnic high flyers ‘til they can’t take any more. Chad and Brad aren’t complicated guys; they simply demand yourr respect, and if they don’t get it…it’s clobberin’ time. Don’t like it? Tuff.

The first four competitors of each team has been announced. Team CHIKARMY takes on Team Firemen, with Soldier Ant and Fire Ant captaining their respective teams. By the way, I totally made up those team names. Also, Fire and Soldier may not even be captains. It’s a bit complex. Here’s a look at the first four partner versus partner match-ups, along with who might have the advantage in each confrontation.

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First up on Classic Chikara is a clip from 2007’s Cibernetico and Robin. This is a group promo by the Kings of Wrestling, one of the teams competing in the main event. The team is Larry Sweeney, Mitch Ryder, Shayne Hawke, Team F.I.S.T., Chris Hero, and Claudio Castagnoli. Notice how Claudio is not really feeling the rest of the group. This plays a major role in their main event Cibernetico match-up against the Lince Dorado-lead group, Team Mucha Lucha. “We got a time share!”

Next up is the ending to the Cibernetico and Robin event. I wouldn’t leave you without an ending. “Mitch and Hero, basking in the glow…”

To round out the Cibernetico videos, here’s a montage of the best non-Cibernetico match to appear on a Cibernetico show. Once again from Cibernetico and Robin, here’s The Olsen Twins taking on Cheech & Cloudy.

Dasher Hatfield is apparently having some trouble getting a hold of the Super Smash Brothers. STOP He is taking matters into his own hands. STOP Watch this video right now! STOP

Finally, here’s a fantastic trailer for a recent Chikara show Never Kneel at the Altar of Conformity. It’s available right now at Smart Mark Video. Enjoy the retroness of it all.

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Hello wrestling fans and welcome to a later than usual recap of the most frustrating and yet sometimes entertaining show on WWE television. Will we get a good show tonight, or another god awful one with five matches that last about two minutes.

1. Chris Masters vs. Primo.

In what is becoming an annoying trend, Masters is in the first match on Superstars yet again, facing the man with the campest entrance music ever, Primo. Jerry Lawler keeps using the same line of “Chris Masters has muscles in places you don’t have places”, yeah I know, not particularly witty or funny is it? To start this one Primo keeps up a high pace with flips, drop kicks and a hurricaranna. The high flying comes to a premature end in the form of a brutal clothesline. Running sidewalk slam onto the knee by Masters, as he bends the body of Primo in quite the uncomfortable position. Masters misses a leg drop and Primo begins to rally back into contention, only to be thrown straight into the turnbuckle. It doesn’t stop him though, as he repeatedly connects with clotheslines, trying to get Masters to fall down. A top rope drop kick does the job, but only gets a two count. A cross body is blocked by Masters, who tries to lock in the Masterlock, only for Primo to roll out of it with a schoolboy for the 3 count.

Winner: Primo.

Thoughts: **1/2. Pretty damn enjoyable match actually, despite his awful music I’m beginning to enjoy Primo, at least more than his grumpy brother anyway. Good way to start the show, let’s hope it doesn’t falter from now.

Walking through the backstage area is William Regal and (in Michael Cole’s words) his “entourage”, not the words I would use to describe those two but it’s Michael Cole, what did I expect?

2. Goldust vs. William Regal/w Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Koslov.

Oh this should be good, since Regal’s awesome and his badass henchman are also, indeed, badass. Anyway he will be facing the “eccentric” lets say Goldust, who’s been locked in a feud with Sheamus lately of course. This one starts with Regal in complete control, until Goldust begins trading blows with Regal in the middle of the ring. The gold covered superstar delivers a pair of clotheslines, an atomic drop and a bulldog, but only gets a two count for all his troubles. Koslov distracts the referee as Jackson enters the ring, aiming to take out Goldust for his leader. Koslov doesn’t do the best job of distracting the referee though, it helps when you’re a hot valet Vladimir, as the referee catches Jackson in the act of the crime. DQ finish!

Winner: Goldust (via darn D.Q).

Thoughts: *. God damn why not give this more time?! Anyway it was O.K for what it’s worth I guess, but Regal really should have just gone over clean.

After the match Regal locks in the Regal stretch on Goldust, only for Christian, Tommy Dreamer an Yoshi Tatsu to make the save, running off the Round Table of Regal, Jackson and Koslov.

Batista hype video, he sucks, that is all.

3. Michelle McCool and Layla El vs. Melina and Maria.

Despite McCool being supposedly the biggest heel in the Woman’s division, not a single person boo’s her. Her and Layla will be facing Melina and Maria, in what should be a average match at best. I’ve got to be honest, women’s wrestling is not something I enjoy at all, since most of them freaking suck. McCool and Melina start this one, Melina getting the better of her as both women tag in their partners. Maria the wrestling perfectionist gets her hair pulled by McCool on the outside. Layla attacks Maria and tags in McCool, who knees her straight in the face. Layla’s back in now and trying to keep Maria from tagging in McCool, just before Maria makes the tag Layla knocks Melina off the apron. As the referee checks up on Melina on the outside, McCool steps inside and boots Maria in the face, as Layla gets the 3 count. 

Winner: Michelle McCool and Layla.

Thoughts: **. That’s me being kind too, since half of the participants aren’t very good inside the squared circle. McCool seems to have changed her finisher from the Styles Clash to a big boot, probably due to the “wrestler’s code”, plus the fact she stole AJ’s finisher without asking.

It’s time for everybody’s favourite segment, Ask the Diva’s! The philosopher’s greatest piece of advice this week was by Maria, who when asked “how can I lose weight?” Maria answered “just exercise”. Jeez, thank god for Maria! 

4. Matt Hardy vs. Kane.

Oh boy, this one doesn’t look very good on paper, at least. Chubby Matt Hardy faces the creative team’s favourite member of the WWE roster, Kane. Hardy tries to keep out of Kane’s way, working on the arm and then scurrying before the big man has the chance to retaliate. Sadly the game plan doesn’t work for very long, put to an end in the shape of a big right hand by the Big Red Machine. Kane connects with his running drop kick to the face, as we head to the commercial break. Hardy is on the top rope and goes for his brutal double axe handle (ha ha ha ha) but is caught by Kane, who goes for the Chokeslam. Hardy just about manages to wriggle out of it, only to run off the top rope and be met with a big boot to the face. Apparently Kane hasn’t lost a match since coming back to Smackdown, a push at long last perhaps? Sidewalk slam by Kane gets a two count, before he locks in a bearhug lock on Hardy. Matt Hardy starts a comeback and trips on his ass, Grisham claiming he was going for a chop block, what an ass. Hardy then mere seconds after the botch, botches a bulldog! DDT by Hardy gets a close two count, as he goes for the Twist of Fate, only for Kane to raise him in the air and drops him groin first on the ropes. He does it again two times, which apparently prompts a lame ass D.Q. Kane isn’t finished though, as he drives Hardy to the mat with a Chokeslam.

Winner: Matt Hardy (via Lame Ass Finish).

Thoughts: **. It was O.K, but there wasn’t a chance in hell this one was going to be any good in all honesty.

Final Thoughts: This was an average show, with pretty average matches involving average superstars. The best match of the night was Primo/Masters, which says a lot, plus we got to see one of the dumbest ever finishes to a match in the main event. Don’t waste your time on this week’s edition of Superstars, because to quote one Jerome Cusson, it was a very “ho-hum” show. I said that right, didn’t I?

Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for reading, I am Michael Robertson, see you next week.

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March 5, 2009 - Tokyo, Japan

Nothing much going on this week because all the build to the PPV is done, so we get leftovers from the show featured on last week’s Infinity and an Open the Owarai Gate match from February, all shown unclipped. Here’s the rest of the championship rundown:
Open the Dream Gate Champion: Naruki Doi
Open the Twin Gate Champions: Gamma & Susumu Yokosuka
Open the Triangle Gate Champions: Shingo Takagi, Dragon Kid & Taku Iwasa
Open the Brave Gate Champion: Masato Yoshino

The show starts with a rundown of the champions, and then comically reminds us about the Open the Owarai Gate title. For those who don’t know, the title was created when Dragon Gate wrestlers went to Pro Wrestling Guerrilla for their Battle of Los Angeles tournament, and Stalker Ichikawa created the comedy title. Matches end in traditional fashion, but the belt changes hands based on audience support. Whoever gets a louder reaction after the match wins. Former champions include Stalker of course, CIMA and Kikutaro, but Jackson Florida is the current champion.

Jackson Florida © vs. Stalker Ichikawa [Open the Owarai Gate Championship Match]
Florida always comes to the ring with a cane, and as such it gets checked for foreign objects as though it’s a third leg. He tries to attack with the cane, eventually pasting Ichikawa across his head. Ichikawa puts on a headlock but Florida’s cane gets to the ropes. Ichikawa gets a leglock but Florida escapes the same way. Ichikawa thinks he’s got the problem figured out and pulls Florida to a spot in the ring far enough from the ropes that his cane can’t reach, so Florida just smacks him on the head with the cane to escape. Florida goes for a ropewalk maneuver but his leg gives out and he falls to the floor. Ichikawa goes for a moonsault but slips on the ropes and falls to the floor. In the ring Ichikawa hits a diving cross-chop for 2. He goes for a German suplex but his grip slips and his head hits the mat. Florida goes for a splash off the top but overshoots by a mile and wipes out. Ichikawa hits a 619 and gets a roll up for 2. Florida uses his cane to get a backslide to end the match at 4:34. The crowd gives the win to Florida as well, so he keeps the belt. The match had a couple cute spots, but the best comedy wrestling can be found in companies more focused on comedy like DDT.
Rating: *

Masato Yoshino {W1}, m.c.KZ {W1} & PAC vs. Dragon Kid {K}, Taku Iwasa {K} & Kenshin Chikano {K}
The pre-match video focuses on Chikano’s involvement with Kamikaze. Chikano and KZ start by trading holds. PAC and Iwasa are up next for some over-choreographed rope running fun. Yoshino and Kid pick up the pace, as usual in exchanges between them. Iwasa and Chikano kick KZ around for 2. PAC gets control back for his team, and they work over Chikano’s arm. PAC launches off of KZ’s back onto Chikano for 2. Chikano fights back against KZ and tags to Iwasa. Iwasa cleans house. He hits KZ with the Gouwan for 2. World-1 triple-teams Kid for 2. KZ Time hits Kid’s knees. Iwasa and Chikano double-team KZ for 2. Kid hits a hurricanrana for 2. Yoshino dodges a dropkick from Chikano and sets him up in the corner for a triple-team attack. PAC hits the shooting star kneedrop and dives onto everyone on the floor. KZ hits the Beat Boom and KZ Time for 2. Yoshino hits the shotgun dropkick for the win at 11:39. The crowd didn’t care, and KZ looked tired and sloppy, but the rest of the match was solid action. Chikano in particular looked much improved compared to his last match on Infinity.
Rating: **¼

Akira Tozawa {K} vs. Youhei Fujita
Fujita’s face is all banged up, as if he’d been getting rough treatment in training. He scrambles to escape Tozawa’s holds to start. He hits a dropkick but Tozawa dumps him on his head with a German suplex. Tozawa hits a bodyslam and a brutal senton for 2. He hits a nasty dropkick in the corner. He hits an axe kick. Fujita gets a bit of a break when Tozawa puts on a chinlock, but even that looks to be applied pretty tightly. Tozawa hits another senton for 2. After taking a few stiff shots Fujita hits a suplex out of nowhere. Mouth bloodied, Fujita hits an elbow in the corner and a missile dropkick for 2. Unable to match Tozawa with elbows he attacks with chops. He hits a bodyslam and a standing moonsault for 1. Tozawa hits a side suplex. He hits three more for 2. Fujita catches him going for his diving headbutt with knees. Tozawa counters a hurricanrana to a Boston crab but Fujita gets to the ropes. Fujita hits a dropkick but Tozawa catches him with a German suplex for the win at 9:51. After years of getting the crap kicked out of him by Don Fujii and others, I wonder how satisfying it was for Tozawa to be able to dish out a beating on someone else for a change. This was perversely entertaining, in the same way that watching a prison rape victim beating up a mugger as soon as he gets out of jail would be entertaining. Fujita showed great energy as well, also looking very much improved since he was last on Infinity.
Rating: ***

The show ends with WARRIORS-5 in the ring. CIMA introduces Fujita as the 5th and final member of the group. And since only Susumu Yokosuka is allowed to have a last name in WARRIORS-5, Fujita is renamed RYOMA. In a subsequent tag match RYOMA fought well with Yokosuka against the Real Hazard team of Ryo Saito and Genki Horiguchi, only to eventually get caught by Saito with a series of suplexes and costing his team the match.

I appreciate that when the headliners have had their chance to get their storylines over and sell the PPV, the lower card guys are given a chance to shine on the company’s marquee show. They’re inevitably featured on PPV anyway, so it’s nice for Dragon Gate to give them an hour (or at least 2 out of 3 matches) to show their stuff. And unclipped no less.

Want to know the reason Smackdown is so much more enjoyable than RAW? Lower card guys are given a chance to shine, and are elevated based on their skill when they exploit that chance. Sure, John Morrison is WWE born and bred, but he’s over because he was given the opportunity to get his character over in the mid-card and put on great matches with plenty of time on Smackdown.

Last year, shortly after Real Hazard was formed, there was an Infinity like this one, with B-level matches totally unclipped. That episode was boring and pointless, highlighting the same wrestlers we always saw in matches that simply didn’t warrant TV time. This episode on the other hand featured wrestlers we don’t get to see all the time in matches that saw them truly shine. If Dragon Gate isn’t going to show old matches on Infinities in which they have no new matches to highlight (in the same way they’d replay PPVs clipped up on TV back when Infinity was a 2-hour show) then these are certainly the kind of matches that should be highlighted.

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“American Dragon” Bryan Danielson is on his way to World Wrestling Entertainment. Say it out loud, right now. It still doesn’t sound right, does it? I mean, the first two words in the company’s name fit Dragon perfectly. He is “worldly”, honing his craft on every continent habitable, fighting within the borders of every country that truly cherishes this sport. And “wrestling”? For the last five years, on the independent circuit, he has been wrestling, perhaps the only legitimate coast-to-coast draw left in the indy business. But Bryan was more than just the best in the country. That ain’t how the nickname goes. It’s brazen, borderline arrogant…and as accurate as sun is scorching. “Best in the World”. World. This was not a man who settled upon dominating one country, oh no. He would travel to Europe with PWG as its world champion, infuriate the chant-crazed, diehard German über fans in wXw, and make the fans “oh” and “ah” on his biggest stage, Pro Wrestling NOAH. And it was in NOAH that he achieved some of his greatest moments: defending the GHC Jr. Heavyweight Title, challenging for the GHC Jr. Heavyweight Tag Titles, and facing off against legends of puroresu such as Jun Akiyama, Kenta Kobashi, Yoshihiro Takayama, and Mitsuharu Misawa. Here’s a look back at Dragon’s ride within the company, tour by tour.

……………Bryan Danielson’s first tour in NOAH can only be considered a success. After his confrontations with KENTA in Ring of Honor, during a three-way involving Samoa Joe and a ROH Title match in which Danielson, despite a severely separated shoulder, came out victorious, fans in Japan took notice of Dragon and treated him with uncommon respect for a debuting wrestler, let alone a debuting gaijin. Danielson spent a majority of the tour tagging with fellow gaijins and NOAH veterans Bison Smith and Eddie Edwards. His first match in the company saw the trio take on Akitoshi Saito, Ricky Marvin, and his international rival KENTA. He would go on to tap out Marvin in the match securing the win for his team. In the opening nine bouts on his first NOAH tour, Bryan would gain a total of six victories, five of which he earned himself with his feared Cattle Mutilation submission. His tenth and final match of the tour would be against KENTA in the Yokohama Cultural Hall. NOAH, perhaps sensing fan response growing for Dragon, declared the contest a “Special 45-minute Match”. Danielson would suffer his first and only fall on the tour after getting put down by KENTA with his Go 2 Sleep maneuver.

…………...Dragon’s second tour with NOAH started similarly to the previous one; he participated in a six-man tag, once again at the Korakuen Hall, once again gaining a victory, though he did not get the fall himself. In quite an odd pairing, Bryan teamed with Joe E. Legend and future WWE Tag Champion Ted DiBiase. It was Legend who got the pinfall that night, and Danielson would go on to tag with Joe E. and Ted in much the same frequency as he did Bison and Eddie on the previous tour. This tour would prove to be an up-and-down affair for Danielson; his record of 7-10 on this excursion was much worse than the 6-4 record from his previous tour, but unlike his first one, he took no falls. Furthermore, he participated in his first main event on a NOAH show, teaming with Bison and DiBiase in a losing effort against a trio lead by puroresu legend Mitsuharu Misawa. He would go on to main event three other shows that tour, all in six-man tag matches, all losses. His final match on the tour was his debut in the revered Nippon Budokan Hall, NOAH’s largest venue. Danielson’s triumvirate lost, but because he was never pinned or submitted, he lost no favor in the eyes of the Japanese fans.

……………Only two months later, Bryan began his third NOAH tour, this time as a participant in the NTV Junior Tag League Tournament. Once again, Danielson would take no falls on the entire tour. He and his partner, Davey Richards, would compete against some of the best junior tag teams in the world: Naomichi Marufuji and Kota Ibushi, Kotaro Suzuki & Ricky Marvin, fellow Ring of Honor roster members The Briscoes, and KENTA & Taiji Ishimori. Of the five tourney matches Bryan and Davey had, they had three losses. The two non-losses were against KENTA and Ishimori, which went to a draw, and Suzuki and Marvin, the latter of which Danielson pinned with a jackknife cut-back pin, Bryan’s first pinfall victory in NOAH. This would prove crucial, and would turn out to be the loss that cost Suzuki and Marvin the tournament, won in epic fashion by KENTA and Taiji after Suzuki and Marvin failed to beat the Brisoces before the match’s time limit expired. Danielson’s last match of the tour was contested at the Budokan and saw him team with Rocky Romero and ROH rival Nigel McGuinness. Once again his squad fell, this time to the team of Takeshi Morishima, Mohammed Yone, and Go Shiozaki.

……………In late March of 2008, Dragon began what would become his longest tour for Pro Wrestling NOAH: a nineteen-match, month-long stay in Japan. His time away proved fruitful, as this was statistically Bryan’s best NOAH tour to date. Of the 19 contests Danielson competed in, he won 14 of them, getting 10 of the falls himself, including one pinfall and 8 contests in which he tapped his opponent to Cattle Mutilation. Of note was the fact that, for the first time in his NOAH career, he landed a submission win without using his signature move: against Atsushi Aoki, using a modified neck lock. Despite his impressive 14-5 record on the tour, including an 11-2 start, he did have his share of downs. For the second time Dragon would be pinned, this time tagging with Go Shiozaki against the team of KENTA and Marufuji. Marufuji picked up the win, becoming only the second man to beat Dragon in a NOAH ring. The match, lauded by the fans in attendance, has yet to see the light of day, and will probably remain so. The tour ended on an all-too-familiar note: Danielson’s partner taking the fall at the Budokan Hall, this time in a standard tag match.

…………...A couple of weeks later, Dragon would be back in NOAH, starting the expedition in fantastic fashion. First, he tapped Atsushi Aoki at the Korakuen Hall with a triangle choke, followed by a submission victory via the neck lock over BJ Whitmer the next night in Differ Ariake. But it was his third night that proved most eventful for Bryan. Once again at Differ Ariake, Bryan would see his first victory in the main event of a NOAH show. Bison Smith, along with Bryan and Akitoshi Saito, bested a team lead by Jun Akiyama with his finishing maneuver, the Bisontennial. Danielson would go on to once again take no falls and amass an 8-4-1 record, the draw being a highly-touted contest with tag partner Yoshinobu Kanemaru against KENTA & Taiji Ishimori. This would lead to a tour-ending GHC Jr. Heavyweight Tag Title shot against KENTA & Ishimori at the Coventry Skydome in the United Kingdom. Unfortunately, Bryan’s partner, Eddie Edwards, would succumb to KENTA’s Go to Sleep, once again ending a tour on a sour note.

…………...62 days later, on his sixth tour, it was once again time for the NTV Junior Tag League. With partner Davey Richards returning with Danielson, both men set out to make a much bigger splash than they had in their previous attempts to win the tournament. Facing several of the same wrestlers as the previous tournament, the duo found much more success this time around. They would not reach the finals, but they did amass a 3-2-1 tourney record, their only losses being to the young duo of Katsuhiko Nakajima and Kota Ibushi, and to the eventual tournament winners, KENTA and Taiji Ishimori. Despite getting statistically knocked out of the competition rather early on, Dragon would persevere, winning his final three NTV Cup matches, his last five matches overall and, with the help of Davey Richards, finally netted his first win at the Budokan. Davey got the pinfall victory over Kento Miyahara as Danielson held Kento’s partner Naomichi Marufuji at bay. Bryan would finally depart a tour with a win, but that would not be the story upon his NOAH return. Less than a week later, after a hellacious title match with Yoshinobu Kanemaru at Ring of Honor’s Tokyo Summit event, Bryan Danielson won GHC Jr. Heavyweight champion.

…………...Danielson’s first defense of the GHC Jr. Title came at Ring of Honor’s Glory by Honor VII event against the man that pinned Davey Richards and accounted for one of Dragon’s two tournament loses during the second NTV Junior Tag League: Katsuhiko Nakajima. Dragon was victorious, earning the right to enter his next tour with NOAH as one of its champions. This was another tour that had its share of ups and downs. Unfortunately for Danielson, the first challenger for his GHC Jr. Heavyweight Title was a man that knew him all too well: KENTA, still the only man at that time who had bested Dragon in a singles match in NOAH. A Go 2 Sleep later and Danielson was now a former champion and 0-2 against his rival. Shockingly, this would also be the first time that Danielson took more than one fall on a tour; Bison Smith, the man that tagged with Danielson so frequently when he started out in NOAH, pinned him in a six-man tag using the Bisontennial. Things picked up directly afterwards; Dragon would main event the next two shows, teaming with Nigel McGuinness and Doug Williams. For the first time, Dragon picked up the fall in both main events, tapping Atsushi Aoki and Ricky Marvin using Cattle Mutilation. Once again, his tour ended with a loss at the Budokan Hall. It would be almost nine months before Danielson would return to tour with Pro Wrestling NOAH. Unbeknownst to fans at the time, it would also be his last.

…………...Bryan Danielson’s final ride in NOAH was, fittingly, his third attempt to win the NTV Cup. This time, his partner would be Roderick Strong. He started the tour with a six-man tag in his final appearance at the Korakuen Hall. New partner Strong picked up the win for partners Dragon and Akitoshi Saito. Once the tournament began, Dragon and Roderick won their first match-up against the bizarre tandem of Genba Hirayanagi and Kikutaro. Unfortunately, that would be their only win of the tournament. The other two tourney matches, against the teams of Kota Ibushi and Atsushi Aoki and, of course, KENTA & Taiji Ishimori, were hard-fought loses, the KENTA & Ishimori match actually main eventing a show in Akita. Dragon, who had taken his team’s fall the night before to Takeshi Rikioh, took the fall in his tag match against KENTA as well, the first time he took falls on back-to-back shows. His last match in NOAH was a victory over a trio lead by Tsuyoshi Kikuchi; he did not pick up the fall. (Roderick did, using a powerbreaker.)

There’s a scene in the film Good Will Hunting where Ben Affleck’s character Chuckie explains to Matt Damon’s character Will, the mathematical genius, why he can’t work construction for the rest of his life like Chuckie and his friends. “It’d be an insult to us if you’re still here in 20 years,” Chuckie declares, “Hangin’ around here is a…waste of your time.” This has been a long understood truth about Bryan Danielson since…hell, since the first time he faced KENTA one-on-one in New York City. You just knew that if he somehow, someway didn’t move higher in this business, it’d be an absolute tragedy. In the film, Chuckie would go on to express his desire to show up at Will’s door one day, like every day, and instead of coming out the front door…Will would be gone, having moved on to bigger and better things. That’s what it felt like when I first read that Dragon had signed; it was a bittersweet sense of pride. We, the independent faithful, had the privilege of watching a budding legend long past gratuity. He never got the chance to get a pinfall or submission in the Nippon Budokan Hall. He never beat KENTA in a Pro Wrestling NOAH ring. And, if there is any justice in the world, he never will. The “American Dragon” has ascended. The sky’s the limit.

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It would be easy to write about the world title reign of Nigel McGuinness, but he had the distinction of bringing another title so much prestige, the company felt that no one man could possibly top his title reign. For just under a year, Nigel McGuinness took the Pure wrestling title from a goofy second-tier belt into something that people cared about.

On August 25, 2005, Nigel McGuinness wrestled an ROH legend in Samoa Joe. Joe was the Pure champion and since he had already been a world champion, Joe was trying to add prestige to the Pure championship because of his status. Everyone seemed to expect the same long title reign that had accompanied Joe’s world title reign. It was not meant to be as Nigel McGuinness became the fifth Pure champion in company history.

McGuinness’ title defenses were not very frequent due to lack of challengers and a couple tours to the orient. However, his work as a heel champion who would do anything to retain his title, made him one of the most elite players in the company. Even if the matches were not four star classics, they were at the very least compelling pieces of storyline nirvana. He would defend his title against a wide variety of challengers that included both Ring of Honor world tag team champions and the Ring of Honor world champion. He would also defeat two TNA stars in Joe and Jay Lethal while also defeating a former ECW superstar in Tony Mamaluke.

His most notable rivalry in the first half of his title reign came against Claudio Castagnoli. Castagnoli was brand new to the company and got a huge rub just from narrowly beating McGuinness twice in title matches. Even with a match involving two referees and a climactic battle in New York city, McGuinness found a way. Just as he did in his entire ten month reign.

He was not involved with the CZW feud during any of 2006 but was instead content to just play the foil. That is until a unification match on April 28, 2006 against world champion Bryan Danielson. It was on that night that McGuinness retained his pure title by count-out. The world title could not change on the countout necessitating a rematch on July 29, 2006 where only Danielson’s world title was on the line. McGuinness would lost this match via small package and one more unification match was set up to take place in McGuinness’ home country.

On August 12, 2006 McGuinness lost in his championship in one of the best matches in company history. He had defended the Pure title in a way no one else had. He practically made bad finishes, count-outs, and disqualifications into an art form. In a company founded on the principles of great wrestling with clean finishes, McGuinness defied these things in such a way that it came off across as brilliant instead of eye-rolling.

Perhaps the finest example came in a title defense that took place against Homicide on June 24. Homicide had earned this title chance by helping ROH in the war against CZW back on May 13 against Necro Butcher. With the need for Homcide to once again help the company out against CZW on July 15, it would have only been appropriate to possibly have him as one of their champions, but it was not meant to be. McGuinness and Homicide brawled in the crowd for roughly 18 seconds until McGuinness scrambled into the ring. Homicide also scrambled in one second too late.

McGuinness retained his title but the win created a question in the minds of fans. Would Homicide join Team ROH? We did get our answer three weeks later, but it was the type of storytelling that made ROH such a great company in 2006. And the final story about the pure title did indeed come on August 12 as the greatest Pure champion in history lost his belt to perhaps the best world champion in history.

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You see what I did there with the title? Because the TNA show was called “No Surren…” ah, forget it.

It’s time for yet another week of “I’m With Stupid,” and I’ve got to say…I don’t know what to do. For the FIRST time in the (admittedly brief) history of this column, yours truly had a difficult time selecting the “Stupid Person of the Week,” since we’ve gone a full seven days without some moron in the wrestling world publicly making a fool of themselves.

As a result, this week’s “Stupid Person of the Week” will get it for something more related to, you know, wrestling. Perhaps it will be a dumb booking decision; perhaps it will be a kayfabe thing. READ ON TO FIND OUT!!!

TNA: Before I talk about “No Surrender,” which I will be covered in depth in a few paragraphs, let me talk about the Impact that immediately preceded it. This was the first “bad” Impact in a while, but it wasn’t hideously awful. In general, I had problems with the fact that this is the show before a pay-per-view and yet the entire show seemed to be built around short matches with little hype and throwaway garbage.

And that leads me to the obligatory “Cody Deaner is Slowly Killing Me” moment for the week. I think we’ve gone into great detail about how much I loathe this entire storyline, and I know I’m not alone on this.

I get it – Deaner’s an idiot who wants the Knockouts Championship in an apparent effort to make every intelligent fan’s head explode. Or something. But is it really necessary to have him bury every woman on the roster?

Look TNA, let’s strike a deal – if you promise to keep Cody Deaner out of my line of sight, I’ll promise to make my Impact rundowns shorter.

Wait, TNA, you hired Ed Ferrara? Never mind.

Now that this angle is hopefully behind us forever though (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, KNOCK ON WOOD) because Deaner got beaten by ODB in a match that helped neither of them, there are some other problems. Namely Abyss. It’s like we went back in time to when every stupid angle was centered on “The Monster.” All the stupid backstage stuff is killing my interest (again) in the character. And to top it off, his match with Kevin Nash was absolutely God awful.

I’ll admit that that was what I was expecting, but still, if everyone knows a match is going to be hideously awful, then maybe, just maybe, it shouldn’t be booked.

“No Surrender” also had several other moments that were pure awful. Apart from the ODB/Deaner match and the Abyss/Nash debacle, I had two principle problems.

First off, the Bobby Lashley/Rhino match was pure stupidity. I know that Bobby needs to look strong, but his first match didn’t have to be against a guy who’s been a champion of the company. Anybody who bought the pay-per-view to see Bobby Lashley wrestle (and to be honest, I’m not one of them) did so because it was a chance to see him wrestle, not a chance to see Lashley wrestle. His match could have been against anyone. Hell, it could have been a squash against Cody Deaner.

I would have paid twice to see that.

The other complaint was the treatment of Hernandez. Why waste him cashing in to basically write him out of the title match? Is he getting another shot? Should I care? Honestly, I HATED the way this was booked.

WWE
Superstars: Welcome back to the “I’m With Stupid” fold, D-show! For the first time in a while, Superstars did something that got on my radar, and it was the same thing as the last time I mentioned: “Ask the Divas!”

Look, this was by no means awful, but I always have beef when a stupid segment is thrown onto a one hour show. You’ve got only a few minutes to build with, and segments like this do nothing for anyone.

Smackdown: Khali-Kane. Khali-Kane. Khali-Kane. Please, please, PLEASE let it be over.

In other news, I’ve really left the Dolph Ziggler stuff out of “IWS” for awhile now, but I’m getting sick of it. Where is this going? I’m assuming we’ll see a Diva feud develop out of this, but I honestly could not care any less than I do.

The Raw: Cedric the Entertainer sucked. I don’t like to talk Wrestlecrap too much, but if the whole “Raw Guest Host” thing doesn’t win Gooker of the Year, I will be amazed; yes, there have been some good hosts (Dusty, Bob Barker to an extent, DiBiase, Shaq) but for the most part, it’s taken most of my willpower to not fast forward through every time I see the Guest Host of the Week. And wouldn’t you know it, I didn’t watch Raw live this week!

I didn’t skirt my duties, though; I sat, and I watched, and I tried to not to hit the forward pointing arrows on my remote. So I got to hear about the son of Cowboy Bob Thorton, Mark Henry being the Kool Aid Man, and of course, how much Cedric loves “The Raw.”

And to make matters worse, Chavo Guerrero’s Burial of the Week continues with him now facing off with someone who has never wrestled before…AND his feud with Hornswoggle isn’t over at all!

For those that missed it (and be thankful you did), Chavo faced Cedric this week. Mid match, Cedric went under the ring, only for a large masked man dressed like Cedric to come out from underneath the ring. He beat up Chavo, only for Hornswoggle to jump out and hit the Tadpole Splash. So Cedric is now jobbing simultaneously to a midget and a guy who has never wrestled. Unbelievable.

I’ll ask it again: who did Chavo tick off? Why is it necessary to bury him every week when he’s actually a talented worker?

Before I move on to ECW, I would like to mention that despite the fact that she absolutely sucked on the microphone for the last two years plus, it is sad to see Lilian Garcia go; she has been a part of Raw for just way too long. Word is that the girl taking over Smackdown’s announcing duties is smoking hot, though, so I’ll likely be able to deal.

ECW: I honestly don’t care what anyone else says, I *hate* the Abraham Washington show. It’s just like Superstars. You get ONE HOUR to develop storylines and feuds, why waste time with this stupidity? I will admit that it led to more Sheamus stuff and that’s a good thing AND that it led to more Shelton stuff and that’s an AWESOME thing, but can anyone tell me why this needed to happen on this dumb segment?

On a positive note, Christian vs. Ryder kicked all kinds of rear end. I conditionally take back my badmouthing of Ryder. For now.

Stupid Person of the Week: As I’ve already mentioned, this week’s “Stupid Person of the Week” is the first to earn the dubious distinction solely on the merits of what they did in their respective company in front of the entire world (not counting Lilian Garcia’s horrible botch at SummerSlam.)

In honor of the Emmys, the nominees are:
TNA: Hernandez – for cashing in his title shot, only to get taken out of the match and looking like an idiot.

Cody Deaner – for wasting valuable airtime on Impact AND on pay-per-view.

Whoever Hired Ed Ferrara (probably Vince Russo) – for hiring Ed Ferrara, and for that matter, for probably being Vince Russo.

WWE: Chavo Guerrero – for taking a dump on Vince McMahon’s salad (the only explanation I’ve got right now).

Cedric the Entertainer – for horribly botching his opening promo AND being involved in a debacle of a match.

Jeff Hardy – because it was such a slow week, he might just deserve it again!

Miscellaneous: Me – for watching all of this crap every week.

While I’m strongly tempted to go with either myself or Cody Deaner (who, I feel will get Stupid Person of the Year even if I never give him the weekly award), I have to go with Cedric the Entertainer! You can pick up the award when you finally become entertaining.

That’s it for this week. Hopefully someone in the wrestling world will commit a crime so I don’t have to do a nominee list again, because I’m sure Ernst and Young botched the ballot counting.

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Jerome and Kevin discuss Ring of Honor. Yup, that sounds about right. 45 minutes summed up in three sentences.

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