Pro Wrestling Ponderings

Hello wrestling fans and welcome to a later than usual recap of the most frustrating and yet sometimes entertaining show on WWE television. Will we get a good show tonight, or another god awful one with five matches that last about two minutes.

1. Chris Masters vs. Primo.

In what is becoming an annoying trend, Masters is in the first match on Superstars yet again, facing the man with the campest entrance music ever, Primo. Jerry Lawler keeps using the same line of “Chris Masters has muscles in places you don’t have places”, yeah I know, not particularly witty or funny is it? To start this one Primo keeps up a high pace with flips, drop kicks and a hurricaranna. The high flying comes to a premature end in the form of a brutal clothesline. Running sidewalk slam onto the knee by Masters, as he bends the body of Primo in quite the uncomfortable position. Masters misses a leg drop and Primo begins to rally back into contention, only to be thrown straight into the turnbuckle. It doesn’t stop him though, as he repeatedly connects with clotheslines, trying to get Masters to fall down. A top rope drop kick does the job, but only gets a two count. A cross body is blocked by Masters, who tries to lock in the Masterlock, only for Primo to roll out of it with a schoolboy for the 3 count.

Winner: Primo.

Thoughts: **1/2. Pretty damn enjoyable match actually, despite his awful music I’m beginning to enjoy Primo, at least more than his grumpy brother anyway. Good way to start the show, let’s hope it doesn’t falter from now.

Walking through the backstage area is William Regal and (in Michael Cole’s words) his “entourage”, not the words I would use to describe those two but it’s Michael Cole, what did I expect?

2. Goldust vs. William Regal/w Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Koslov.

Oh this should be good, since Regal’s awesome and his badass henchman are also, indeed, badass. Anyway he will be facing the “eccentric” lets say Goldust, who’s been locked in a feud with Sheamus lately of course. This one starts with Regal in complete control, until Goldust begins trading blows with Regal in the middle of the ring. The gold covered superstar delivers a pair of clotheslines, an atomic drop and a bulldog, but only gets a two count for all his troubles. Koslov distracts the referee as Jackson enters the ring, aiming to take out Goldust for his leader. Koslov doesn’t do the best job of distracting the referee though, it helps when you’re a hot valet Vladimir, as the referee catches Jackson in the act of the crime. DQ finish!

Winner: Goldust (via darn D.Q).

Thoughts: *. God damn why not give this more time?! Anyway it was O.K for what it’s worth I guess, but Regal really should have just gone over clean.

After the match Regal locks in the Regal stretch on Goldust, only for Christian, Tommy Dreamer an Yoshi Tatsu to make the save, running off the Round Table of Regal, Jackson and Koslov.

Batista hype video, he sucks, that is all.

3. Michelle McCool and Layla El vs. Melina and Maria.

Despite McCool being supposedly the biggest heel in the Woman’s division, not a single person boo’s her. Her and Layla will be facing Melina and Maria, in what should be a average match at best. I’ve got to be honest, women’s wrestling is not something I enjoy at all, since most of them freaking suck. McCool and Melina start this one, Melina getting the better of her as both women tag in their partners. Maria the wrestling perfectionist gets her hair pulled by McCool on the outside. Layla attacks Maria and tags in McCool, who knees her straight in the face. Layla’s back in now and trying to keep Maria from tagging in McCool, just before Maria makes the tag Layla knocks Melina off the apron. As the referee checks up on Melina on the outside, McCool steps inside and boots Maria in the face, as Layla gets the 3 count. 

Winner: Michelle McCool and Layla.

Thoughts: **. That’s me being kind too, since half of the participants aren’t very good inside the squared circle. McCool seems to have changed her finisher from the Styles Clash to a big boot, probably due to the “wrestler’s code”, plus the fact she stole AJ’s finisher without asking.

It’s time for everybody’s favourite segment, Ask the Diva’s! The philosopher’s greatest piece of advice this week was by Maria, who when asked “how can I lose weight?” Maria answered “just exercise”. Jeez, thank god for Maria! 

4. Matt Hardy vs. Kane.

Oh boy, this one doesn’t look very good on paper, at least. Chubby Matt Hardy faces the creative team’s favourite member of the WWE roster, Kane. Hardy tries to keep out of Kane’s way, working on the arm and then scurrying before the big man has the chance to retaliate. Sadly the game plan doesn’t work for very long, put to an end in the shape of a big right hand by the Big Red Machine. Kane connects with his running drop kick to the face, as we head to the commercial break. Hardy is on the top rope and goes for his brutal double axe handle (ha ha ha ha) but is caught by Kane, who goes for the Chokeslam. Hardy just about manages to wriggle out of it, only to run off the top rope and be met with a big boot to the face. Apparently Kane hasn’t lost a match since coming back to Smackdown, a push at long last perhaps? Sidewalk slam by Kane gets a two count, before he locks in a bearhug lock on Hardy. Matt Hardy starts a comeback and trips on his ass, Grisham claiming he was going for a chop block, what an ass. Hardy then mere seconds after the botch, botches a bulldog! DDT by Hardy gets a close two count, as he goes for the Twist of Fate, only for Kane to raise him in the air and drops him groin first on the ropes. He does it again two times, which apparently prompts a lame ass D.Q. Kane isn’t finished though, as he drives Hardy to the mat with a Chokeslam.

Winner: Matt Hardy (via Lame Ass Finish).

Thoughts: **. It was O.K, but there wasn’t a chance in hell this one was going to be any good in all honesty.

Final Thoughts: This was an average show, with pretty average matches involving average superstars. The best match of the night was Primo/Masters, which says a lot, plus we got to see one of the dumbest ever finishes to a match in the main event. Don’t waste your time on this week’s edition of Superstars, because to quote one Jerome Cusson, it was a very “ho-hum” show. I said that right, didn’t I?

Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for reading, I am Michael Robertson, see you next week.

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