Pro Wrestling Ponderings

Welcome to “I’m With Stupid,” where this week, I make use of four really clichéd smark terms. Try and find them!

Before anyone asks, this week’s subtitle is in regard to the ROH World Championship debacle in New York on Saturday. Listen to the podcast to get my full opinion on the snorefest of a title bout, but the Twinkies related chanting was perhaps the best part of the entire match.

For the second straight week, no one did anything boneheaded enough for me to automatically anoint a “Stupid Person of the Week,” so the dreaded nominee list will be back! Who is it? Well, obviously, you’ll need to READ ON, HOMIES!

And I promise I’ll never do that again.

Oh! By the way…as a special bonus this week, since I’m relatively short on content, I give Hell in a Cell predictions (in a relatively serious tone), because I’m gonna be there live (possibly wearing my Hydra mask)!

TNA: Oh. My. God.

First, the positive: for the first time in seemingly forever, we got NO Cody Deaner pervading our television screens. Nothing. Nada. Unless I went blind halfway through the show, I didn’t have to catch a look at him. That automatically makes it the best Impact since I started “I’m With Stupid.”

In addition, we had a solid X Division match, a great promo from AJ, and a lot of mediocre stuff that didn’t offend the senses…until the main event.

Seriously…the Tag Team Championship Match was probably the worst match I have seen all year (and one of the worst I’ve ever seen), and that’s saying something from a guy who’s planning on eventually starting a side column called “Masochist Theater.”

Let’s forget for a second that the main event of the show went about three minutes, which is always a negative for me. We had a really predictable and yet REALLY stupid swerve with Foley turning on Abyss. Then, in the post match stupidity, we managed to see Abyss hit about a 3 on the Muta Scale because he got hit with a VHS tape.

Now kids, I don’t blame you if you don’t watch Impact, but words cannot describe how mind-numbingly painful it is to watch something like this. While I’ve never been hit with a videocassette, I imagine that being hit with one at full force would still not be enough for me to bleed buckets. Yes, there was barbed wire involved after the fact, but even barbed wire probably would not get as much blood as Abyss managed to get flowing.

Now we’re set up for a Foley-Abyss match at Bound for Glory that absolutely no sane person would ever want to see.

Thanks Russo! Thanks Ferrara!

WWE
Superstars: “Ask the Divas” was once again a complete waste of everyone’s time, but at least they had the good sense to hide it with the Recap section of the episode. Perhaps, just PERHAPS, this segment will soon make its departure from my weekly list of hatred, but don’t hold your breath Divas division. You might pop an implant.

A lot of people hated the Regal-Goldust match, but in a rare moment of sympathy, I’m going to defend it. While I hate DQ finishes as much as the next card-carrying IWC member, I’ll say that the match at least built to an angle for ECW, and that’s always a plus.

Smackdown: Overall, a fairly solid Smackdown this week. Other than a perfectly meaningless Kane squash of Jesse – pardon, Jeezy – that wasted valuable air time, we didn’t get much else that was offensive to the eyes, ears, and heart of yours truly.

Raw: I’m reasonably sure that when all is said and done, the guest host concept will go down as one of WWE’s greatest blunders, the publicity surrounding the hosts notwithstanding. Al Sharpton wasn’t that bad in terms of what he did on the show (since I think he appeared only three times and two of the three times were for short, meaningless backstage segments), but the crowd’s reaction of X-Pac Heat should have been a signal as to how much the “WWE Universe” disliked the decision to let him host. The final sign that it was a mistake, though, was the 3.1 rating for the show, down from the 3.4 for the previous two weeks.

As I was saying, he wasn’t THAT bad (but he was still bad), and there was far more to complain about for this week’s Raw.

First off, I’m convinced that the Divas Championship is cursed. The Butterfly Belt seems to make the women of whatever brand have it suck out loud. Seriously, since Mickie James won it, I don’t think she’s put on a single good match. I wasn’t expecting much out of her match with Rosa, but I got even less than expected.

Second, I’m officially narrowing down “Stupid Person of the Year” to three groups: Cody Deaner, The Raw Guest Hosts, and Chavo Guerrero. Never mind the fact that somehow, Chavo won a match that featured Hornswoggle (though it was a tag match and neither factored into the decision). The fact that the cause of Chavo’s burial was put into the Masterlock and Chavo actually HELPED him made absolutely no sense. I’m sure this means that Chavo has now developed a soft spot for the dwarf and this will lead to a face turn, but is anyone going to care?

It’s rare for a turn to happen in this manner, following a long losing streak, because it rarely works. MVP’s turn after months of jobbing was a fluke, not a way to build credible new stars. Turning Chavo, who has spent the better part of ten weeks continuously jobbing to a little person, isn’t going to help him get over with the crowds in either the short run or the long run.

Not a good Raw by any means, but there have been far worse with the guest hosts. I’m actually looking forward to Ben Roethlisberger next week, even if I won’t watch it ‘til Tuesday (not the band that sings ‘Voices Carry’).

ECW: There was nothing particularly bad about this ECW show, but is it so much to ask for an ECW title match at Hell in a Cell?!? I mean, honestly, I realize there’s no credible opponent for Christian to face right now, but at least give the people who buy the pay-per-view SOME reason to tune in next Tuesday. Is that so much to ask?

ROH: Look, Glory by Honor VIII was an alright show, as I noted in the podcast, and the Ladder War for the Tag Team Championship was EXCELLENT. That said, though, given that Eddie Edwards’ elbow condition may actually be worse than initially expected (as he reportedly has a SECOND fracture there), it becomes increasingly apparent that keeping the Tag Team Championship on the American Wolves was a flat out moronic decision.

Oh, and have I made it clear how much Aries-Williams sucked? It was so bad, that I’m going to a coin a new word for the match’s lack of quality: Atrocination. This thing was so bad that it was both an atrocity AND an abomination.

Hell in a Cell Predictions: Really fast:

World Heavyweight Championship (Hell in a Cell): CM Punk © defeats The Undertaker to retain, although I have no idea how in the hell he will ever pull it off. I just desperately want SOMEONE to hold the World Heavyweight Title for more than three months, something that hasn’t happened since 2007.

WWE Championship (Hell in a Cell): John Cena © defeats Randy Orton to retain, despite attempted interference from Legacy.

Hell in a Cell Match: D-Generation X defeats Legacy; in a perfect world, Legacy would continue gaining momentum, but in all likelihood, DX gets their win back after Breaking Point.

Unified Tag Team Championship: Batista and Rey Mysterio defeat Chris Jericho and Big Show © to become new champions; I’ve just got a feeling about this one, though I’d be thrilled if this DIDN’T happen.

United States Championship: The Miz defeats Kofi Kingston © and Jack Swagger to become new champion; a man can dream!

Intercontinental Championship: John Morrison © defeats Dolph Ziggler to retain. I could see this going either way, but I think Dolph gets the IC belt next month in their inevitable rematch.

Divas Championship: Mickie James © v. Alicia Fox – who cares?

If I manage to go 0-fer for these predictions, I will be making myself Stupid Person of the Week, by the way.

Stupid Person of the Week: AND THE NOMINEES ARE:

TNA: Abyss – for apparently thinking that outdated media = buckets of blood.

WWE: Whoever asked Al Sharpton to come to Raw – ‘nuff said.

MyNetwork TV - for getting one step closer to the abyss (not Chris Parks) that is non-existence.

Chavo Guerrero - for making my head asplode on Raw.

ROH: Adam Pearce - for keeping the tag belts on the Wolves despite Eddie Edwards’ injury AND for making me sit through that twenty minute atrocination of a World Championship match.

And the Winner Is…: Though it was a close one this week, the winner is Chavo Guerrero, barely edging out Adam Pearce! Chavo, you can pick up your trophy when any and all involvement with Hornswoggle finally comes to an end…which is to say about two weeks after the apocalypse.

Pearce, you can take solace in the fact that you’re still a better booker than Vince Russo and that at least you can build up quality World Title matches thanks to a budding feud between Aries and Cornette.

Until next week, stay stupid!

Share This