Pro Wrestling Ponderings

-Overdramatic video package shows us the risk of being in Hell in a Cell. Still can’t believe they’re doing three of these.

-Live from Newark, New Jersey (home state of Jason Sterlacci)

-Your hosts are six of Vince McMahon’s bitches.

-Hell in a Cell World Heavyweight Championship: C.M Punk (champion) vs. The Undertaker

To save time, just pretend I inserted a bunch of questions why THIS IS THE OPENER. Ross said the world title has never changed in Hell in a Cell, thus insuring Taker is winning. Guess this also insures these two have enough time. I’d also like to point out that the world heavyweight title match was the opener at No Way Out. ‘Taker no sells a couple of Punk’s shots. He then gets rammed into the cage a few times. Bodyshots now. Kick knocks Punk off the apron into the cage. Punk rolls underneath the ring and dropkicks the steps into the Undertaker’s knee. Punk goes to the work on the knee and I’d like to point out that there are A LOT of CM Punk chants. Very rare to hear backlash directed at Undertaker. Punk’s offense doesn’t last long as he gets thrown into the cage again. Taker is now gimping around. Part of that is a shoot I’m sure. Kick into the cage by Pun followed by a dive. Back inside the ring as they exchange shots. ‘Taker prepares for the chokeslam but Punk hits more shots to the knees. Attempted tombstone leads to the same thing. Punk grabs a steel chair and lays ‘Taker out but gets a two count. Punk tries a knee into the corner but is the victim of a powerbomb. Long two count. ‘Taker hits the ropes but Punk drags him off. Punk goes for a series of three counts but can’t get three. Punk does a blind charge with a chair but ‘Taker boots him in the face. Chokeslam. Tombstone. New champ. Fuck you WWE.

-Winner/Time/Rating: NEW World Heavyweight Champion-The Undertaker/10:24/**1/4

-So after all the controversy surrounding last month and Hell’s Gate being reinstated, Punk absolutely gets buried in the opening match. This is one of the most appalling decisions of 2009. Period. Do I have a bias towards Punk? You damn right I do, butI have this bias because he’s a great wrestler, a great promo, and doesn’t have the look of a guy who’s on the gas. Guess the oft-injured guy who can barely walk should have the world title right now. Way to build new stars and get guys over WWE.

-Intercontinental Championship: John Morrison (champion) vs. Dolph Ziggler

These two are competing for the ugliest tights ever award. Ross refers to them as the future cornerstones of WWE. Maybe they too can job to The Undertaker in an opening Hell in a Cell match. Chain wrestling to start meaning these two will actually get time. I approve. Ziggler takes control and grabs a side headlock. Shoulder tackle. Off the ropes both men go and Morrison hits a dropkick. Artistic legdrop (had to use JR’s description). Ziggler now gets a chinlock. Morrison comes back with a springboard crossbody and another dropkick. Attempt at Starship Pain doesn’t go well as Ziggler takes over. Modified chinlock as Ziggler works on the neck. Powerslam. A running neckbreaker. Wow, that was very Curt Hennig like. Ziggler with a splash in the corner . Crowd actually lightly chants “Mr. Ziggles.”For the most part though? Dead. Morrison reverses into a DDT. Right hand exchange but Morrison gets a high kick and standing shooting star press. Suplex reversed into a roll-up. Morrison with a roll-up. Morrison tries a running knee, but Ziggler stops that too. Morrison leaps up and tries a dive. Ziggler gets up but Morrison sess what happened and gets a slingshot. Morrison tries another leap, but Morrison gets a German suplex. Long two there. Some of the crowd chants for Ziggler. Fameasser by Ziggler. Morrison goes for the finisher again, but gets taken down hard. Just a two count. Zig-zag attempt doesn’t work. Running knee does. Starship pain does and this match is ovuh.

-Winner/Time/Rating: STILL Intercontinental Champion- John Morrison/15:44/***1/2

-Ziggler has a lost tons of momentum since he was supposed to win the I-C title months ago. The segment with Pat Patterson and the “Mr. Ziggles” crap doesn’t help. Ultimately, I think Morrison is going to be ready for a world title run first, and I feel he should hold onto the belt until it’s closer to the end of the year. Very good match though.

-Josh Mathews is there. Batista kicks him out and introduces Mysterio himself. Then it’s interview time. That was awkward. Rey’s feud with Jericho is brought up. That whole deal feels like it happened years ago.

-The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are shown in a luxury box. I’m not kidding. This leads to a commercial for their video game. Normally, this would piss me off, but I’m actually curious to see what it looks like. It doesn’t look half bad actually. Cole brings up the irony of Hell in a Cell taking place in New Jersey. I think it’s because Jersey is in fact hell (Sorry Jason).

-Diva’s Championship: Mickie James (champion) vs. Alicia Fox

That title is ugly. I maintain my refusal to do commentary for WWE women’s matches. Amazingly, this turns out to be the best women’s match I’ve seen in months as there’s a little psychology involved and very few botched moves . The crowd once again doesn’t care, but you can’t win’em all. Mark me down as wanting to see this match again and give them more time.

Winner/Time/Rating- STILL Diva’s Champion-Mickie James/4:18/*3/4

-Unifed Tag Team Championship- Chris Jericho and Big Show vs. Batista and Rey Mysterio

If I have to watch Batista wrestle on Pay-Per-View, I’m glad it’s a tag team match. Jericho and Rey start. No brainer there. They have a great sequence. Then the party’s over as Batista comes in with a shoulderblock. Clothesline in the corner. Into the face corner. Rey Rey gets sent flying into Jericho. Batista back in now. Rey Rey leaps off Batista shoulders into Jericho. Big Show gets tagged in as I shudder to think of some of the moments he and Rey have had together. Rey Rey stupidly stays in and promptly gets manhandled. Mysterio gets deposited to the outside. Jesus, what a slap. Mysterio gets in at nine. Show uses one hand to bring him back fully inside the ring. Jericho tags in as Rey Rey is dragged into the corner. Rey Rey plays “Batista’s little buddy in peril.” Jericho has a great spot as he lures in Rey Rey to try a 619. While both men are on the top rope, Jericho goes for the mask. Rey Rey reverses and tags in his big buddy. The Animal goes wild. Spear leads to a set up for the Demon Bomb. Big Show tries to interfere but he gets sent back outside. Spinebuster gets two. Show interferes again, but Jericho gets the Codebreaker. Show and Batista in together. This really is hell. Chokeslam by Show but Mysterio breaks the count with a springboard. Lionsault misses and Batista just makes it to his partner. Show also tags in, but Rey Rey hangs around by sticking and moving. Impressive looking DDT. Show charges but is sent outside. Jericho is positioned for the 619, but he is moved. Rey Rey still hits the move on Show. Jericho also thrown outside. Show catches him, but Batista spears them both. Rey Rey and Show end up in the ring. Springboard leads to THE PUNCH OF DOOM. That gets three. Hmm. Think Rey is getting punished for the suspension? Methinks so.

Winner/Time/Rating: STILL Unified Tag Team Champions- Chris Jericho and Big Show/14:44/***1/2

-Despite the opening match, this has been a decent show thus far with two really good matches and a Diva’s match that actually wasn’t offensively horrible.

-WWE Heavyweight Championship: John Cena (champion) vs. Randy Orton

Good to see both heavyweight titles are not as important as D-Generation X. Crowd doesn’t like Cena very much. Orton has the advantage for much of the early part of the match with some Cena flurries interspersed. Cena gets sent into the cell for the first time and Orton tries to grate Cena’s face against the fence. Cena tries to put the cage to use, but he eats steps instead. Orton uses the steps in numerous ways and even tells a fan “Up Yours” after almost failing to get them in the ring. That was awesome. DDT attempt thwarted as Cena tosses Orton over his shoulder. Cena grabs the steps and tries to take Orton’s head odd. Thankfully Orton gets out of the way in time. Back inside, Orton hits his backbreaker. Cena hits some moves now and climaxes with the Five Knuckle shuffle. Orton gets out of the Attitude Adjustment and finally gets his DDT. RKO doesn’t work but Attitude Adjustment. Orton kicks out. Cena looks incredulous. To the second rope now, but Orton gets an electric chair. Battle on the top rope with Cena eventually missing the legdrop. Orton goes underneath for a chair and goes to town on Cena’s neck. Cena crawls back and hooks in the STF. Even though Orton gets to the ropes and goes underneath, the referee can’t break it up since it’s no DQ. Orton kicks Cena into the ref. He’s down as Cena gets the STF again. Orton taps, but there’s no ref to see it. Cena goes to check on the referee and even places him back in the ring. Orton gets the RKO, but that only gets two as well. Orton has Cena in the ropes now and applies a… chinlock? Only this guy would find a way to get a “devastating” chinlock. Cena is basically out after the choke. Orton hits the punt to the head now and gets three. New champ. Yippee.

-Winner/Time/Rating: NEW WWE Champion- Randy Orton/21:26/***1/4

-Another title change? This is ridiculous. Way to make John Cena look like a total bitch in jobbing clean to Orton twice. Not to mention this is the second time they’ve given Cena a three week title reign. It is amazing to see how the WWE works these days, and it’s shows like this, regardless of the quality of the matches, that make me want to quit watching forever. Booking them in a 60 minute match doesn’t help either.

-Drew McIntyre vs. R-Truth

Case in point. McIntyre has been talking about how is the future of Smackdown. Where is his debut match? A Pay-Per-View. It’s little things like this that add up to me not caring. And speaking of not caring, the crowd (which has been fairly awful the whole night) starts chanting “boring” a record thirty seconds in. Not that I blame them in this case because this match has no business on the card. McIntyre wins a match that feels about six hours long with a double arm DDT. I am not impressed at all. Oh, and his music is awful.

Winner/Time/Rating: Drew McIntyre/4:40/*

-Legacy congratulates Orton for winning the belt and hitting the town. Cody makes an offhand remark about Orton sounding like his dad. Orton makes a good point about being champion and the cell. This is followed by Dibiase further teasing a break-up.

-The Miz walks out and cuts a promo. Ever since his “feud” with Cena, I’ve lost all interest in him.

-United States Championship: Kofi Kingston (champion) vs. The Miz vs. Jack Swagger

Too complicated to give a blow-by-blow. Needless to say the heels double team the champion early but neither will let the other get a pinfall. Finally Miz turns on Swagger and controls a portion of the match. Kofi gets a crossbody on Miz while he is on Swagger’s shoulders. That was cool. Kofi and Swagger brawl in the corner. Swagger then takes control and hits a belly-to-belly suplex. Kofi gets a nice back suplex from the second rope. Swagger hits a nice couple of moves as well. Kofi responds with a leaping lariat and a legdrop. Trouble in Paradise clearly knocks Swagger loopy because he is unable to stop the count after Miz hit his Skullcrushing Finale. Swagger finds his breakings and gets the gutwrench powerbomb. Another Trouble in Paradise on Swagger and Kofi covers Miz for three. Bet Swagger is thrilled he had to take a second one after being knocked out for a moment there.

Winner/Time/ Rating: STILL United States Champion- Kofi Kingston/8:00/*1/2

Hell in a Cell: D-Generation X (Triple H and Shawn Michaels) vs. Legacy (Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase)

Legacy actually attacks D-X as they make their entrance. That’s a really nice touch to show that this is in fact a blowoff between two teams that don’t like each other. It also differentiates this match from the other two since this is in fact starting on the outside. D-X comes back and even gets a suplex on Rhodes on an announce table. Dibiase goes nuts on Hunter while Shawn beats up Rhodes some more. All four guys end up in the crowd on opposite sides. Rhodes then grabs the chain that locks the cell and hits Michaels. He goes up the entrance aisleway and lays out Hunter as well. DDT on the actual ramp. Rhodes hits what I can only refer to as “Hero’s Welcome.” Legacy drags commences a big ole’ beatdown on Shawn Michaels, with particular emphasis on the knee. Inside the cage and Rhodes locks the door behind him. That’s polite. My parents used to yell at me all the time for forgetting to lock the door behind me.

Bell finally rings and I guess we’re officially underway. Shawn looks around and sees he’s kinda SOL. HBK hangs around, but succumbs to the work of Legacy for the most part. More work on the leg. Michaels goes under the ring and flings a chair at Rhodes. Dibiase is rammed into the cage as well. Michaels holds off his tormenters a little more but is finally slingshotted into the cell again. Michaels climbs the cage and falls on Rhodes. Hunter, who was laying on the entranceway for a long time, finally makes his way to the cell, but he can’t get in since the door is locked. Ummm, where is the other referee who mans the door? In every other Hell in a Cell match ever, this is the procedure. Inside the ring now and Shawn hits a superkick on Dibiase. Triple H climbs to the top of the cage. Michaels only gets two because Rhodes pulls his out. Another chairshot lays Shawn out once again. Hunter tries to smash his way into the cage with a chair. Rhodes powerbombs Shawn into the cell. Again. Taunting by Legacy directed at Triple H. And he leaves? Well, that’s just strange. Beatdown continues as Shawn conveys his pain and suffering quite well. This match is another excellent example of storytelling although the quality of the actual match isn’t as good. Inside the ring and Legacy appears ready to finish this sucker up. While Rhodes up a chair, Dibiase dropkicks it in the face of HBK. They then mock D-X by holding up the symbol of the group. Time for the move that won them the “I quit” match. Triple H runs with boltcutters and finally makes his way into the cage. Oh. My. God. Hunter of course saves the day and no sells the big old beating he took earlier. As Hunter sets up for the pedigree on Rhodes, Dibiase stops him. Michaels interrupts and the other referee finally shows up. Hunter won’t let him close the door, but he instead takes the chain and punches Dibiase. Pedigree on the floor. They leave him on the outside of the cage. Double team on Rhodes with Michaels elbowing a steel chair. Hunter grabs Mr. Sledgey as Dibiase whines. Tune up the band. Superkick and Mr. Sledgey put us out of our misery.

-Winner/Time/Rating: D-Generation X/18:06/***

-Not a bad match by any means, but I don’t understand why D-Generation X just had to win two of these three matches. I guess them winning the blowoff is fine, but if you ask me, I don’t see how we’re supposed to take these guys against Randy Orton(if that’s where they’re going) seriously. Not to mention this truly had no business being the main event because it was obvious who was winning and the feud damn sure wasn’t as heated.

Final Thoughts: I’m willing to give this a thumbs up, but it’s not with a great deal of any enthusiasm. Most everything was good and a couple matches exceeded my expectations. Unfortunately, I think there continue to be issues with a lot of the booking, particularly in the big championship matches. I’d recommend renting the DVD since there were a few good matches but nothing I’d go out of my way to see.

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