Pro Wrestling Ponderings

Hello all!

Unfortunately this week I need to do a shortened edition of I’m With Stupid. There’s a lot of stuff going on outside of the wrestling world and I simply do not have the time to write out a full column of my gripes with dumb booking decisions. Next week, things should be back to normal.

So instead of my usual battery of complaints, I’ll keep this simple with a countdown of the 10 stupidest people of the week.

10: Rhett Titus (ROH) - On last week’s edition of ROH on HDNet, which I did not see until this week, Rhett (along with partner Kenny King) put on one of the worst matches I’ve ever seen in ROH. Hideously ugly stuff, Titus.

9: Chavo Guerrero and Hornswoggle (WWE) - It just wouldn’t be “I’m With Stupid” without these two. The storyline that absolutely refuses to end just keeps on going. The Chavo/’Swoggle feud is basically a lock for my “Stupid Feud of the Year” award come December.

8: Everyone Involved in the First 2/3 of this Week’s ECW (WWE) - Those first tow matches this week actually hurt my brain. Then again, what else should I expect from a broken down Tommy Dreamer, a green Yoshi Tatsu, and the Roundtable?

7: The Divas (WWE) - The entire division gets called out; if I have to see one more “Ask the Divas” segment on Superstars, I’m gonna rip my hair out. And the Diva Bowl…dear God.

6: Traci Brooks and Christy Hemme (TNA) - Not so much stupid on their part, but that Bunnies match from Impact was a chore to watch. I don’t find Traci Brooks all that attractive and I *hate* Christy Hemme, so it was skippable in the first place. Then I remembered that Hemme was a Bunny from WWE, and it took my gripes to a whole new level.

5: WWE (WWE) - For trying to compete with Monday Night Football this week. I mean, the rating DID go up, but it had nowhere to go but up after half the audience turned off Al Sharpton after five minutes.

4: The Genius That Booked Hell in a Cell (WWE) - Forget opening a show with a Hell in a Cell match, which is pretty stupid when you think about it. Why, why, why, why, WHY would anyone put the title on The Undertaker right now? Look, don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been a huge Taker mark, but the man simply cannot put on the kinds of matches that are required of a champion any more. Plus, the World Heavyweight Title is quickly being booked into oblivion with all the title changes…why not just give Punk a few months? We all know the title is going to change hands again in three weeks anyway, so why bother doing it at HIAC?

3: Vince Russo (TNA) - I HATED Impact this week. Why on earth would Russo put on that ladder match (which was admittedly good) for free with no prior mention of it? It’s not like the damn match was built to over the last few weeks or even announced the week prior, so why do it?!?

2: The Genius Behind Bragging Rights (WWE) - The idea of all Raw vs. Smackdown matches with a final main event showdown intrigued me, even though ECW would again be getting the shaft. The actual concept, though, leaves a lot to be desired.

Stupid Person of the Week: Ric Flair (WOOOOOOO!) - Ric, for wasting all of your hard earned money for the last few decades and losing a quite expensive belt, I’ve got no choice but to give you SPOTW. You can pick up your award when you pay me back. By the way, the fact that Highspots expects to get $75,000+ for it in this economy gives them the honorable mention award.

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Welcome to “I’m With Stupid,” where this week, I make use of four really clichéd smark terms. Try and find them!

Before anyone asks, this week’s subtitle is in regard to the ROH World Championship debacle in New York on Saturday. Listen to the podcast to get my full opinion on the snorefest of a title bout, but the Twinkies related chanting was perhaps the best part of the entire match.

For the second straight week, no one did anything boneheaded enough for me to automatically anoint a “Stupid Person of the Week,” so the dreaded nominee list will be back! Who is it? Well, obviously, you’ll need to READ ON, HOMIES!

And I promise I’ll never do that again.

Oh! By the way…as a special bonus this week, since I’m relatively short on content, I give Hell in a Cell predictions (in a relatively serious tone), because I’m gonna be there live (possibly wearing my Hydra mask)!

TNA: Oh. My. God.

First, the positive: for the first time in seemingly forever, we got NO Cody Deaner pervading our television screens. Nothing. Nada. Unless I went blind halfway through the show, I didn’t have to catch a look at him. That automatically makes it the best Impact since I started “I’m With Stupid.”

In addition, we had a solid X Division match, a great promo from AJ, and a lot of mediocre stuff that didn’t offend the senses…until the main event.

Seriously…the Tag Team Championship Match was probably the worst match I have seen all year (and one of the worst I’ve ever seen), and that’s saying something from a guy who’s planning on eventually starting a side column called “Masochist Theater.”

Let’s forget for a second that the main event of the show went about three minutes, which is always a negative for me. We had a really predictable and yet REALLY stupid swerve with Foley turning on Abyss. Then, in the post match stupidity, we managed to see Abyss hit about a 3 on the Muta Scale because he got hit with a VHS tape.

Now kids, I don’t blame you if you don’t watch Impact, but words cannot describe how mind-numbingly painful it is to watch something like this. While I’ve never been hit with a videocassette, I imagine that being hit with one at full force would still not be enough for me to bleed buckets. Yes, there was barbed wire involved after the fact, but even barbed wire probably would not get as much blood as Abyss managed to get flowing.

Now we’re set up for a Foley-Abyss match at Bound for Glory that absolutely no sane person would ever want to see.

Thanks Russo! Thanks Ferrara!

WWE
Superstars: “Ask the Divas” was once again a complete waste of everyone’s time, but at least they had the good sense to hide it with the Recap section of the episode. Perhaps, just PERHAPS, this segment will soon make its departure from my weekly list of hatred, but don’t hold your breath Divas division. You might pop an implant.

A lot of people hated the Regal-Goldust match, but in a rare moment of sympathy, I’m going to defend it. While I hate DQ finishes as much as the next card-carrying IWC member, I’ll say that the match at least built to an angle for ECW, and that’s always a plus.

Smackdown: Overall, a fairly solid Smackdown this week. Other than a perfectly meaningless Kane squash of Jesse – pardon, Jeezy – that wasted valuable air time, we didn’t get much else that was offensive to the eyes, ears, and heart of yours truly.

Raw: I’m reasonably sure that when all is said and done, the guest host concept will go down as one of WWE’s greatest blunders, the publicity surrounding the hosts notwithstanding. Al Sharpton wasn’t that bad in terms of what he did on the show (since I think he appeared only three times and two of the three times were for short, meaningless backstage segments), but the crowd’s reaction of X-Pac Heat should have been a signal as to how much the “WWE Universe” disliked the decision to let him host. The final sign that it was a mistake, though, was the 3.1 rating for the show, down from the 3.4 for the previous two weeks.

As I was saying, he wasn’t THAT bad (but he was still bad), and there was far more to complain about for this week’s Raw.

First off, I’m convinced that the Divas Championship is cursed. The Butterfly Belt seems to make the women of whatever brand have it suck out loud. Seriously, since Mickie James won it, I don’t think she’s put on a single good match. I wasn’t expecting much out of her match with Rosa, but I got even less than expected.

Second, I’m officially narrowing down “Stupid Person of the Year” to three groups: Cody Deaner, The Raw Guest Hosts, and Chavo Guerrero. Never mind the fact that somehow, Chavo won a match that featured Hornswoggle (though it was a tag match and neither factored into the decision). The fact that the cause of Chavo’s burial was put into the Masterlock and Chavo actually HELPED him made absolutely no sense. I’m sure this means that Chavo has now developed a soft spot for the dwarf and this will lead to a face turn, but is anyone going to care?

It’s rare for a turn to happen in this manner, following a long losing streak, because it rarely works. MVP’s turn after months of jobbing was a fluke, not a way to build credible new stars. Turning Chavo, who has spent the better part of ten weeks continuously jobbing to a little person, isn’t going to help him get over with the crowds in either the short run or the long run.

Not a good Raw by any means, but there have been far worse with the guest hosts. I’m actually looking forward to Ben Roethlisberger next week, even if I won’t watch it ‘til Tuesday (not the band that sings ‘Voices Carry’).

ECW: There was nothing particularly bad about this ECW show, but is it so much to ask for an ECW title match at Hell in a Cell?!? I mean, honestly, I realize there’s no credible opponent for Christian to face right now, but at least give the people who buy the pay-per-view SOME reason to tune in next Tuesday. Is that so much to ask?

ROH: Look, Glory by Honor VIII was an alright show, as I noted in the podcast, and the Ladder War for the Tag Team Championship was EXCELLENT. That said, though, given that Eddie Edwards’ elbow condition may actually be worse than initially expected (as he reportedly has a SECOND fracture there), it becomes increasingly apparent that keeping the Tag Team Championship on the American Wolves was a flat out moronic decision.

Oh, and have I made it clear how much Aries-Williams sucked? It was so bad, that I’m going to a coin a new word for the match’s lack of quality: Atrocination. This thing was so bad that it was both an atrocity AND an abomination.

Hell in a Cell Predictions: Really fast:

World Heavyweight Championship (Hell in a Cell): CM Punk © defeats The Undertaker to retain, although I have no idea how in the hell he will ever pull it off. I just desperately want SOMEONE to hold the World Heavyweight Title for more than three months, something that hasn’t happened since 2007.

WWE Championship (Hell in a Cell): John Cena © defeats Randy Orton to retain, despite attempted interference from Legacy.

Hell in a Cell Match: D-Generation X defeats Legacy; in a perfect world, Legacy would continue gaining momentum, but in all likelihood, DX gets their win back after Breaking Point.

Unified Tag Team Championship: Batista and Rey Mysterio defeat Chris Jericho and Big Show © to become new champions; I’ve just got a feeling about this one, though I’d be thrilled if this DIDN’T happen.

United States Championship: The Miz defeats Kofi Kingston © and Jack Swagger to become new champion; a man can dream!

Intercontinental Championship: John Morrison © defeats Dolph Ziggler to retain. I could see this going either way, but I think Dolph gets the IC belt next month in their inevitable rematch.

Divas Championship: Mickie James © v. Alicia Fox – who cares?

If I manage to go 0-fer for these predictions, I will be making myself Stupid Person of the Week, by the way.

Stupid Person of the Week: AND THE NOMINEES ARE:

TNA: Abyss – for apparently thinking that outdated media = buckets of blood.

WWE: Whoever asked Al Sharpton to come to Raw – ‘nuff said.

MyNetwork TV - for getting one step closer to the abyss (not Chris Parks) that is non-existence.

Chavo Guerrero - for making my head asplode on Raw.

ROH: Adam Pearce - for keeping the tag belts on the Wolves despite Eddie Edwards’ injury AND for making me sit through that twenty minute atrocination of a World Championship match.

And the Winner Is…: Though it was a close one this week, the winner is Chavo Guerrero, barely edging out Adam Pearce! Chavo, you can pick up your trophy when any and all involvement with Hornswoggle finally comes to an end…which is to say about two weeks after the apocalypse.

Pearce, you can take solace in the fact that you’re still a better booker than Vince Russo and that at least you can build up quality World Title matches thanks to a budding feud between Aries and Cornette.

Until next week, stay stupid!

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You see what I did there with the title? Because the TNA show was called “No Surren…” ah, forget it.

It’s time for yet another week of “I’m With Stupid,” and I’ve got to say…I don’t know what to do. For the FIRST time in the (admittedly brief) history of this column, yours truly had a difficult time selecting the “Stupid Person of the Week,” since we’ve gone a full seven days without some moron in the wrestling world publicly making a fool of themselves.

As a result, this week’s “Stupid Person of the Week” will get it for something more related to, you know, wrestling. Perhaps it will be a dumb booking decision; perhaps it will be a kayfabe thing. READ ON TO FIND OUT!!!

TNA: Before I talk about “No Surrender,” which I will be covered in depth in a few paragraphs, let me talk about the Impact that immediately preceded it. This was the first “bad” Impact in a while, but it wasn’t hideously awful. In general, I had problems with the fact that this is the show before a pay-per-view and yet the entire show seemed to be built around short matches with little hype and throwaway garbage.

And that leads me to the obligatory “Cody Deaner is Slowly Killing Me” moment for the week. I think we’ve gone into great detail about how much I loathe this entire storyline, and I know I’m not alone on this.

I get it – Deaner’s an idiot who wants the Knockouts Championship in an apparent effort to make every intelligent fan’s head explode. Or something. But is it really necessary to have him bury every woman on the roster?

Look TNA, let’s strike a deal – if you promise to keep Cody Deaner out of my line of sight, I’ll promise to make my Impact rundowns shorter.

Wait, TNA, you hired Ed Ferrara? Never mind.

Now that this angle is hopefully behind us forever though (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, KNOCK ON WOOD) because Deaner got beaten by ODB in a match that helped neither of them, there are some other problems. Namely Abyss. It’s like we went back in time to when every stupid angle was centered on “The Monster.” All the stupid backstage stuff is killing my interest (again) in the character. And to top it off, his match with Kevin Nash was absolutely God awful.

I’ll admit that that was what I was expecting, but still, if everyone knows a match is going to be hideously awful, then maybe, just maybe, it shouldn’t be booked.

“No Surrender” also had several other moments that were pure awful. Apart from the ODB/Deaner match and the Abyss/Nash debacle, I had two principle problems.

First off, the Bobby Lashley/Rhino match was pure stupidity. I know that Bobby needs to look strong, but his first match didn’t have to be against a guy who’s been a champion of the company. Anybody who bought the pay-per-view to see Bobby Lashley wrestle (and to be honest, I’m not one of them) did so because it was a chance to see him wrestle, not a chance to see Lashley wrestle. His match could have been against anyone. Hell, it could have been a squash against Cody Deaner.

I would have paid twice to see that.

The other complaint was the treatment of Hernandez. Why waste him cashing in to basically write him out of the title match? Is he getting another shot? Should I care? Honestly, I HATED the way this was booked.

WWE
Superstars: Welcome back to the “I’m With Stupid” fold, D-show! For the first time in a while, Superstars did something that got on my radar, and it was the same thing as the last time I mentioned: “Ask the Divas!”

Look, this was by no means awful, but I always have beef when a stupid segment is thrown onto a one hour show. You’ve got only a few minutes to build with, and segments like this do nothing for anyone.

Smackdown: Khali-Kane. Khali-Kane. Khali-Kane. Please, please, PLEASE let it be over.

In other news, I’ve really left the Dolph Ziggler stuff out of “IWS” for awhile now, but I’m getting sick of it. Where is this going? I’m assuming we’ll see a Diva feud develop out of this, but I honestly could not care any less than I do.

The Raw: Cedric the Entertainer sucked. I don’t like to talk Wrestlecrap too much, but if the whole “Raw Guest Host” thing doesn’t win Gooker of the Year, I will be amazed; yes, there have been some good hosts (Dusty, Bob Barker to an extent, DiBiase, Shaq) but for the most part, it’s taken most of my willpower to not fast forward through every time I see the Guest Host of the Week. And wouldn’t you know it, I didn’t watch Raw live this week!

I didn’t skirt my duties, though; I sat, and I watched, and I tried to not to hit the forward pointing arrows on my remote. So I got to hear about the son of Cowboy Bob Thorton, Mark Henry being the Kool Aid Man, and of course, how much Cedric loves “The Raw.”

And to make matters worse, Chavo Guerrero’s Burial of the Week continues with him now facing off with someone who has never wrestled before…AND his feud with Hornswoggle isn’t over at all!

For those that missed it (and be thankful you did), Chavo faced Cedric this week. Mid match, Cedric went under the ring, only for a large masked man dressed like Cedric to come out from underneath the ring. He beat up Chavo, only for Hornswoggle to jump out and hit the Tadpole Splash. So Cedric is now jobbing simultaneously to a midget and a guy who has never wrestled. Unbelievable.

I’ll ask it again: who did Chavo tick off? Why is it necessary to bury him every week when he’s actually a talented worker?

Before I move on to ECW, I would like to mention that despite the fact that she absolutely sucked on the microphone for the last two years plus, it is sad to see Lilian Garcia go; she has been a part of Raw for just way too long. Word is that the girl taking over Smackdown’s announcing duties is smoking hot, though, so I’ll likely be able to deal.

ECW: I honestly don’t care what anyone else says, I *hate* the Abraham Washington show. It’s just like Superstars. You get ONE HOUR to develop storylines and feuds, why waste time with this stupidity? I will admit that it led to more Sheamus stuff and that’s a good thing AND that it led to more Shelton stuff and that’s an AWESOME thing, but can anyone tell me why this needed to happen on this dumb segment?

On a positive note, Christian vs. Ryder kicked all kinds of rear end. I conditionally take back my badmouthing of Ryder. For now.

Stupid Person of the Week: As I’ve already mentioned, this week’s “Stupid Person of the Week” is the first to earn the dubious distinction solely on the merits of what they did in their respective company in front of the entire world (not counting Lilian Garcia’s horrible botch at SummerSlam.)

In honor of the Emmys, the nominees are:
TNA: Hernandez – for cashing in his title shot, only to get taken out of the match and looking like an idiot.

Cody Deaner – for wasting valuable airtime on Impact AND on pay-per-view.

Whoever Hired Ed Ferrara (probably Vince Russo) – for hiring Ed Ferrara, and for that matter, for probably being Vince Russo.

WWE: Chavo Guerrero – for taking a dump on Vince McMahon’s salad (the only explanation I’ve got right now).

Cedric the Entertainer – for horribly botching his opening promo AND being involved in a debacle of a match.

Jeff Hardy – because it was such a slow week, he might just deserve it again!

Miscellaneous: Me – for watching all of this crap every week.

While I’m strongly tempted to go with either myself or Cody Deaner (who, I feel will get Stupid Person of the Year even if I never give him the weekly award), I have to go with Cedric the Entertainer! You can pick up the award when you finally become entertaining.

That’s it for this week. Hopefully someone in the wrestling world will commit a crime so I don’t have to do a nominee list again, because I’m sure Ernst and Young botched the ballot counting.

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Welcome back once again to “I’m With Stupid!” This week, I’m still coping with the fact that the feud that has fueled my ire for weeks is now dragging even more people into it. I’m almost at a loss for what to say. Almost.

TNA: You all know I’m going to start with my main source of TNA hatred, Mr. Cody Deaner. Seriously…Impact was awesome this week save for his match with Tara, which may have caused my brain to congeal. Let’s go over all the reasons why it was incredibly dumb to do this match:

1. It was an MMA match, which is always a red flag; I don’t care that Tara is training to do MMA – an inter-gender MMA match is a dumb idea and makes TNA look stupid.

2. Cody Deaner is actively competing against Knockouts. When a guy is competing against the women for the women’s title, who does it help? It’s not helping Deaner, who will likely be released this time next year due to complete apathy from the fans. It’s not helping the women; nobody is going to take the division seriously, which leads to point 3:

3. YOU’RE TRYING TO BUILD THE WOMEN’S DIVISION! Why bother if the focal point of the division is going to be a man? Are they preemptively creating the Knockout Tag Titles because they know they’re going to kill the singles title dead in a few weeks?

The only other problem I had with Impact was with Abyss and Dr. Stevie; the match has been built up for weeks, and while I expected the result, I figured it would at least be put on pay-per-view. I know some of you are scratching your heads, but seriously…a hardcore rules match would have been great.

WWE
Smackdown: What’s this? Complaints about Smackdown? Indeed, I do have a complaint about Smackdown, but it’s just one. Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with Kane and the Great Khali, even though any time the two of them interact, I want to shudder.

No, my problem with the blue show is with Drew McIntyre. Don’t get me wrong, the dude’s gonna be a star, but this whole “beat down R-Truth” thing has to go somewhere soon (and by soon, I mean this week). At this point, the match-up between the two of them is going to stink because either Truth will be buried because he can’t get it done in a match or Drew will lose in his debut and look like an idiot who’s all talk. Please, for the sake of both of them, end this.

Breaking Point: Ugh. What an awful show. Seriously, I didn’t enjoy it. I’d say I’m not going to order Hell in a Cell, but the problem is that I actually have tickets to be there live.
I’ll admit that some of the matches were in the pretty good to very good range (The US Title match, DX/Legacy, Christian/Regal, Cena/Orton), but everything else was unwatchable.

Once again, I’ll skip the Kane-Khali stuff because honestly it’s too easy to make fun of and below my level. Let’s talk about that ridiculous segment with Pat Patterson. First off, Ziggler and Morrison deserved a match. There was time for it on the card (especially if they got rid of Kane and Khali) and having them be involved in a segment with Pat Patterson was moronic. I get the idea, since Patterson was the first IC champ and the show was in his hometown of Montreal, but the entire segment just stunk the place up. Nobody really cared when Patterson came out, nobody cared about Dolph, and nobody cared when Morrison made the save. In the end, this hurt the two guys that were supposed to be helped by the segment. I wouldn’t be surprised if Dolph suddenly didn’t get his IC Title match or if Morrison quickly dropped the belt. Or both for that matter.

Of course, this wasn’t my real gripe with the show. Not by a long shot. I can’t even believe I’m mentioning The Undertaker and CM Punk as being involved in something stupid, and yet here I am. WWE needed a cop out way to get out of this match since there’s a pay-per-view in three weeks, the Undertaker hasn’t submitted to anyone not named Kurt Angle, and the show was in Montreal.

Because it’s so much fun, I’m going to list my problems:

1. Punk looked like a loser for tapping in eight minutes.

2. The restart wasn’t a bad idea in theory, but the premise was dumb. Let’s see…Taker used a move that was banned by Vickie Guerrero. Okay. That would be fine (and a great call back to some history, which I always approve of), except that Taker’s used the move multiple times without consequence since Vickie Guerrero left Smackdown. In other words, at some point, the move was unbanned. So all those past developments were forgotten by creative.

“Let’s have Teddy Long come out and say that Taker’s move is banned.”

“But it’s not any more. He’s used it.”

“Please. No one’s going to remember that he’s used it. Wrestling fans have the attention spans of goldfish.”

Before anyone complains about me being nitpicky, it’s not like it’s that hard to justify it. Hell, why not have Teddy Long just come out after the match and say that he’s following in Vickie Guerrero’s footsteps and re-banning the move? Yes, it would still be a stupid copout, but it’s a little better than what WWE did.

3. WE GET IT. THE SHOW’S IN MONTREAL. HOORAY FOR YET ANOTHER FAKE SCREWJOB!
If not for some news that came out this week, whatever idiot that thought redoing Montreal was a good idea would have won my award easily.

Raw: Right off the bat, I’ve got a problem. It’s not that I hate Batista, it’s that I want him to retire and go away. I (unfortunately) called the move to Smackdown last week amongst my friends, and I’m kicking myself for releasing the thought into the air. I guess I understand why they’re moving him; despite the usual quality of Smackdown (the Breaking Point finish notwithstanding), the ratings stink out loud. But we can forget about Matt Hardy and John Morrison coming close to main eventing shows this year. Knowing Batista, Punk will probably be out of the main event picture himself by Survivor Series.

Yes, Batista-Taker was fun in 2007. I don’t need to see the feud yet again, though. Change things up! That’s why Punk being on top this summer has been so much fun; we get main events that are new and exciting.

This Miz-Kofi stuff is really starting to annoy me. I love ‘em both, but I think with each passing week, they’re both being booked into oblivion. I’m a firm believer that midcard titles should be emphasized (because what’s the point of having them if you’re not going to use them), and with the Miz saying he’s going to go after the US title a few weeks ago, I was pumped that the belt was getting attention. Now we’re getting three minute matches. In two weeks, I’m expecting Kofi to pin the Miz in seven seconds. No lie.

Gail Kim…wow. Two weeks ago, I said that I thought Gail forgot how to wrestle. At this point, I’m convinced of it. Her match two weeks ago was far, far worse, I’ll admit, but man; what is it with her? She was great in TNA and was great in her first run with WWE; what happened since her return that has caused her to be this god-awful?

Apparently, Carlito annoyed someone, because he’s now being dragged into the Bourne/Chavo/Hornswoggle vortex of suck. I’ve really got nothing else to say about this, except maybe, finally, mercifully, this whole feud is over, since Chavo has given up. I suspect that Carlito will be taking his place.

Speaking of Carlito, what on earth happened to Primo? I feel like I haven’t seen him in weeks. Did he get released and no one told me? I think we may need to file a missing persons report or something. We can do a manhunt or call out the bloodhounds.

ECW: Zach Ryder? Really?

Really?

Stupid Person of the Week: I’ll give you one guess. Go ahead. If you said anyone besides Jeff Hardy, you’re going to share in the award with him.

Let’s see…the dude gets busted with a cornucopia of drugs in his house, so much so that he may in fact be facing fourteen years of prison. What else can you say? That kind of stupidity makes you a lock for this award.

Jeff, you can pick the award up whenever you’re out of prison. While Kurt Angle may have dodged a huge bullet this week by getting three of the four counts against him dropped or thrown out, chances are you’re going to be doing time. Maybe not the full fourteen years, but I’ve got a feeling you won’t be seen on WWE TV next year. And I’ve also got a feeling that Vince McMahon is thanking his lucky stars that Hardy didn’t get busted while he was on the roster.

That’ll do it for this week. I promise I’ll stop being so serious soon.

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Welcome once again to another edition of “I’m With Stupid,” or as the kids (don’t) call it, “I’m with Stu!” This week wasn’t the craziest week of wrestling stupidity out there, but that doesn’t mean there weren’t moments worth chronicling! Just as a note about this week’s edition: it’s the first week of school for yours truly, so while I will gladly chronicle the week in idiocy, I have my serious doubts that this will be a laugh riot. So please just bear with me for this week and I’ll make with the ha-has again next week.

TNA: We got YET ANOTHER good Impact this week, one that featured two VERY good AJ Styles matches (that match with Williams is one of the better free TV matches TNA has ever put on). That said, though, there were, as always, moments worth pointing out as, well, stupid.

First and foremost, the Sting-Rhino opening match annoyed me to no end. Don’t get me wrong; I had no problem with the result or the post-match beatdown or anything like that. I suppose that my complaint is that, well, things were a bit rushed this week. Granted, that’s what happens when you have two rounds of a tournament in one week while trying to advance angles and storylines and all that. But maybe…just maybe…someone should have stopped and said “this is a stupid idea.”

The first rule of booking a tournament is normally “make what the guys are fighting for seem important.” It’s nearly impossible to do this when matches go less than five minutes, and that’s what has to happen when you book so many tournament matches in one show. What’s more is that the losers of these matches are made to look pathetic.

Take Rhino for instance. At the next pay-per-view, he’s in a pretty big match against Bobby Lashley. Now, I’m of the opinion that given the match he already has, he shouldn’t have been in this tournament at all, but since he was, having him lose in such a short amount of time really hurt him. I think most people have already figured out how this match will turn out, but at least make Rhino look like a credible threat! Is it so much to ask for a ten minute loss? Or hell, a DQ loss after he goes to far yet again? Did whoever book this tournament lose their common sense?

Up next…I’ve got to talk about the Main Event Mafia backstage segment. Look, there was nothing particularly bad about the backstage antics of Booker, Angle, and Steiner. However, I only say that because I had no idea what was going on. I rewatched the segment a good ten times and I still have no earthly idea what Booker T said. I don’t know if he was hopped up on speed during the segment, but his mouth was moving at a speed that would get him caught on the radar gun! Seeing as how Impact isn’t taped live, couldn’t they have reshot the segment? Is Booker T TV’s Calculon? Does he not do second takes? (Semi-obscure Futurama joke FTW!)

Seriously folks, if you have any idea what Booker was talking about, please comment!

Finally, while I didn’t particularly care for the main event of Impact, I understood that it needed to be where it was to lend way for the crazy brawl to finish the show.

There’s only one other TNA thing to mention, but you better believe I’m saving that for later.

WWE: No complaints at all about Superstars due to it being basically ALL-WRESTLING, and Smackdown continued with the awesomeness for yet another week. ECW really had nothing to complain about either! Too bad that had to be ruined by Raw.

Raw: Before I talk about the events of The Price Is Raw proper, I have to say that I’m filled with a sense of dread and foreboding. Next Monday, Batista will be appearing to make a special announcement. While some are speculating that “The Animal” will be retiring, I’m thinking that based on a teaser in this week’s Smackdown spoilers, we’re going to see Big Dave head back to the blue brand.

If this is the case, I feel as though a LOT of Smackdown’s momentum will disappear. While I’m sure he and Punk would have excellent matches, the only way for him to work would be as a heel due to the sheer lack of main event level heels besides Punk.

Whatever the announcement may be, I’ll talk about it more next week.

Onto The Price Is Raw! The opening segment was gold. You will not hear (or read, as the case may be) me complain about a Contestant’s Row with IRWIN R. SCHEYSTER, but I am going to have to moan about the continuing saga of Hornswoggle and Chavo.

Just when you think the feud couldn’t make Chavo come out worse, it swerves us and makes Evan Bourne look like a total loser. Remember kids, for the last ten weeks, Chavo has been beaten by a midget. Rather than win because he’s lucky, Hornswoggle has outsmarted Guerrero and made him look like a total idiot every week. He’s barely broken a sweat doing so and hasn’t suffered an offensive move. So this week, rather than face Hornswoggle, they had Chavo take on Evan Bourne. Now, Chavo lost, which is what should have happened, but Bourne got killed throughout the match. Guerrero looked dominant and looked to be in control throughout the match and only lost because Hornswoggle interfered for Bourne to help him get a roll-up. Are you kidding me? Evan Bourne needs the help of Hornswoggle to get a win?!?

I can deal with Chavo actually getting some offense in; the matches with Hornswoggle were all about Hornswoggle outsmarting Guerrero and getting a fluke victory. It’s only natural for him to be at an even level with Bourne since these matches actually involve wrestling. But come on! Did Evan Bourne really need to look like he needed a dwarf’s help him win? Who is that helping in the long run? Who is this feud helping in the long run? WHY DO I ALLOW MYSELF FIVE MINUTES OF THIS STUPIDITY EVERY MONDAY NIGHT?!?

The show went more or less fine after that, until all of a sudden, the show suddenly stopped being about wrestling. Out of nowhere, Raw cut to a backstage interview between Josh Mathews and Bob Barker. Barker hawked his new book and talked about memorable moments from The Price Is Right for a good five minutes. I was dumbfounded; while I’m sure this was part of the deal to get Barker in the guest hosting spot, I couldn’t believe that precious time was wasted on this segment. PEOPLE, YOU HAVE A PAY-PER-VIEW ON SUNDAY THAT NEEDS TO BE BUILT UP!

I mean, you wonder why buy rates are down for pay-per-views. I’d contend that with such little time between shows, part of the problem is that there’s precious little time to make every match on the card seem like a blowaway, must-see match (another reason is that so many shows make each one seem less special, but I digress). Every moment should in some way be building up to the pay-per-view, especially every moment on the show IMMEDIATELY BEFORE THE PAY-PER-VIEW! If the WWE needed Barker so badly and that was part of the deal, they could have waited until *after* the pay-per-view so that this show could focus on things that mattered.

ROH: Before anyone gets their panties in a twist, let me just say that this little thing is not really part of “I’m With Stupid.” Since I don’t have a column of random thoughts (and I missed the cutoff for the weekly review column), “I’m With Stupid” is the place where I come to vent about whatever I’m thinking about. This week, I need to mention that ROH did the right thing.

With Nigel McGuinness following Bryan Danielson out the door at Glory by Honor VIII, many fans (including yours truly) were clamoring for one last Dragon-Nigel match, despite both guys already having matches. Ring of Honor has done the right thing in my book by putting the two guys against one another and letting Aries and Roddy do whatever it is they’re supposed to be doing.

So bravo guys. While your financial position is currently unenviable, you made GBH8 even more awesome!

Stupid Person of the Week: Forget the teaser. I’m getting right to it. When you started reading this column, could there be ANY doubt that this week’s SPOTW would be Angelina Love? While the exact nature of her work visa problems eludes me, the fact that she didn’t ever go out of her way to get the issues resolved and lost her job with TNA as a result of it RIGHT when she was about to win the Knockouts Tag Titles made me slap my forehead with a ton of force.

Seriously Angelina, this was open and shut, even with Sean O’Haire’s push for the award yesterday with his arrest. You can claim you award whenever you get your work status figured out and can return to the country.

That’s gonna do it for me this week. Until next time, stay stupid!

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Welcome once again to another Impact Report from yours truly! This week we’re gonna see the final two participants in the TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match at No Surrender get decided in an eight man tournament.

Let’s jump right in!

September 3, 2009

Match #1: No Surrender Qualifying Match: Rhino vs. Sting

The show opens with a brief rundown of tonight’s event and a clip of Rhino going overboard with Jesse Neal. Tenay notes that both rounds of this qualifier are happening tonight. Good to know.

Rhino starts off with some fists but Sting reverses a whip attempt to get the upper hand. Two Stinger Splashes and a takedown leads to an early Scorpion Deathlock! I smell quick match and a jobbing for the War Machine! Rhino’s crawling to break the Deathlock and he gets there after a few seconds. Rhino charges at Sting’s midsection in the corner and Sting is on the ground. Back up and the War Machine is firmly in control. Lots of fists to the stomach and Rhino locks in a chokehold; after a takedown, he puts a body scissors on. Taz is playing up Rhino’s strength. Sting elbows out of the scissors but gets some chops. Stinger Splash misses and he takes a BIG belly-to-belly suplex. Rhino goes for the GORE but he misses and eats a Scorpion Death Drop! That’s all she wrote!

Winner: Sting

Post match, Rhino hits a GORE, flips off the crowd, and lays into Sting’s midsection further. Rhino goes to leave and hits another GORE! Sting is getting attended to as Rhino is forced from the ring.

Rating: **, a really short match that was actually quite entertaining, but I’m annoyed by the booking. I mean, Rhino is taking on Bobby Lashley at No Surrender. He’s now been jobbed out in less than five minutes. How is that going to build up Rhino for the match?

After a commercial break, Sting is getting his ribs taped. Tenay thinks the ribs are cracked.

The Main Event Mafia is in Booker T’s room, and Booker wants to take out Matt Morgan for his actions last week. Kurt Angle is trying to calm Booker down, and the promo is interrupted with Kip James trying to install a phone line in the room. Booker spouts gibberish and starts insulting Kip. Kurt is restraining Booker as Scott Steiner notes that the MEM locker room is being painted and that he needs to shack up. After a few seconds of discussion (and Booker T spouting more gibberish that needs to be subtitled), Steiner is on the putting green and taking big swings. Is there conflict building between the Tag Team Champs? Who knows, since Booker is talking faster than a jackrabbit on crack!

Match #2: No Surrender Qualifying Match: AJ Styles vs. Chris Sabin

Sabin comes out with Alex Shelley, who’s gonna be doing guest commentary. Shelley puts over the MCMG Tissue Holder (which I would SO buy) and our match begins with a lockup.

Sabin puts in an armbar that Styles reverses. Whip into the corner and we get some armdrags. Shelley puts on the headscissors but Styles kips out of it. Remember kids, AJ Styles is gonna be on “Made” on Sunday! Sabin is dropkicked to the outside and Styles gets a headscissors flip on the floor. Styles eats rail and is thrown inside. The Phenomenal One is thrown into the corner and then takes a solid knee in the ropes. Sabin puts in a headlock but Styles powers out.

Styles catches a boot and slams Sabin to the mat. AJ looks to be in control now, powering Sabin to the mat, but Sabin’s up quickly and tosses Styles to the outside. AJ lands on the canvas, SPRINGBOARD FOREARM! That only gets a two! Styles goes for the Clash and Sabin rol;s up for a 2. Sabin tries for a Cradle Shock but AJ gets out; Sabin is on the ropes, TORNADO DDT by Styles! TWO!

AJ misses a leap to the corner and Sabin eats an elbow! Lots of counters and reversals and AJ eats boot. Sabin misses the springboard and gets a Pele. STYLES CLASH! DONE!

Winner: AJ Styles

Rating: ***1/2, excellent stuff given the time. Very exciting and loads of fun.

We’re backstage with Hernandez, who has to face off with Homicide. Hernandez is conflicted because of their longstanding friendship, but he will let nothing stop him in his quest to become the first Hispanic TNA World Champion. Eric Young is here, and he is still recruiting for the World Elite. He puts in a great line about the American Dream being for Americans Only and says that he and Hernandez are familia.

Back from commercial, and Daniels is coming to the ring with a microphone in hand. Daniels wants to talk to Joe face-to-face and Joe obliges. Daniels talks about the X Division and about the Division revolved around TNA; how he, Joe, and AJ *were* the X Division and that the three of them traveled together and came up together and that they were like family. Daniels brings up the Unbreakable 2005 main event, where the three of them put on a classic for the X Division Title, the only time where a match for that belt main evented a pay-per-view. The three of them were synonymous with wrestling excellence, and they made TNA the future of professional wrestling.

Joe doesn’t care. He has things he needs to do. Daniels stops him and tells him he’s changed because he’s in the Main Event Mafia. He says the Main Event Mafia is scared of Joe and they can’t handle him. He says Joe took the money and ran and that no one recognizes him any more, even his wife and son. NOT SMART. Daniels turns to say something to Taz and Daniels is an idiot for turning his back on Joe. HEAD DROP OF DEATH and that’s that.

Matt Morgan is backstage and he says that Kurt Angle isn’t playing head games, rather that Morgan has made rookie mistakes.

Match #3: No Surrender Qualifying Match: Suicide vs. Doug Williams

Williams is already in the ring as Suicide comes in. Lots of wristlocks and counters to start. Williams ends that with a knee to the back and a headlock. Suicide counters with…a wristlock. Williams powers out and runs the ropes. Boot to the face by Williams, and Suicide is whipped into the ropes. He gets Doug on his shoulders, does a roll, and that gets 2.

Williams tries a German but Suicide elbows; Williams pushes him to the corner he hits a back suplex. Knee in the corner and Williams twists Suicide’s head off. Knee drop and lateral press gets a 2. Suicide rolls out of another back suplex and stars chopping Williams. Flying European by Dougie gets another 2. Williams chokes Suicide in the ropes for a bit then hits a snap suplex for 2 again. Whip and knee to the corner, and Williams is on the top rope. Suicide kicks him in the face with an enziguiri. Suicide has the upper hand and is hitting fists until the ref pushes him off. Suicide is in control now with a springboard dropkick, running Russian legsweep, and scoop slam. As Suicide climbs to the top, D’Angelo Dinero is outside and Suicide leaps off the top and takes him out!

Suicide is back in Doug Williams hits a ROLLING GERMAN FOR THE WIN! UPSET!

Winner: Doug Williams

Rating: **1/2, pretty good but a little lacking in the excitement department.

Sting is with JB backstage and the Stinger might have a few cracked ribs. Sting knows he’s not in his prime and he realizes the end is near for his career, but he’s not giving up the fight.

The Beautiful People are up next for a promo as we’re going to commercial (shed a tear for Angelina Love losing her visa to compete in the US and thus getting released, by the way). The girls don’t care who Madison Rayne’s partners is next week.

Match #4: TNA Knockouts Tag Title Tournament: Tara & Christy Hemme vs. Hamada & Sojo Bolt

Tara and Hamada start off. Waistlock reversals start and Tara gets a roll through and bridge pin that gets a 2 count. They work on each others’ ankles, lots of counters, a couple of pin attempts. Double kip up and a standoff. Something’s a little off in the action between these two. Tara bows and she gets kicked in the head. Hamada hits a press and gets a 2. Hamada tags in Sojo and Bolt gets tripped. Tara slams her and tags in Hemme. Split leg drop that gets a 2 and Hemme whips Bolt in the corner. She misses the charge and Hamada is back in. Big kick to the face as we go to commercial.

Bolt is in control of Hemme as we come back. Tara gets tagged in and she unloads on Sojo. Big clothesline and as Sojo gets up, she gets a kick in the face. Hamada breaks up the pin and Hemme hits a fairly ugly Inverted DDT on Hamada to neutralize her. WIDOW’S PEAK AND THAT”S IT!

Winners: Tara & Christy Hemme

Tara takes out the tarantula and Hamada is holding them off. Instead, she hits a Hamada Driver on Bolt. The lady doesn’t like to lose.

Rating: *1/2, decent enough but nothing special. The match started out rough during the pin attempts, but all four competitors recovered quickly. That inverted DDT was pretty ugly, though. Overall, the match was alright but didn’t do a lot for me.

JB is backstage with Kurt Angle. Borash warns Angle that Morgan might be working him. Angle says nobody works him and that Morgan needs him. Lo and behold Morgan is there and Kurt basically asks if the Blueprint has his back. Morgan goes over their history of teaming together (and how it hasn’t really worked out for Matt) and says he’s got his back. Angle naturally asks if Matt is screwing with him. Morgan says it’s career suicide to screw with the Champ. Angle falls for it.

We get a video package hyping up Homicide and Hernandez after the commercial break.

Match #5: No Surrender Qualifying Match: Homicide vs. Hernandez

Hernandez shows his strength early and Homicide tries for a headlock. The 187 gets out of a back suplex and kicks Big H in the gut. ‘Cide tries a sunset flip and gets picked up by the neck. ‘Cide can’t get anything in and Big H nails a Cracker Jack. A Border Toss attempt is broken up and 187 gets a 2 count after a bulldog. ‘Cide starts working on the leg but Big H quickly reasserts control. ‘Cide tries a Tornado DDT but Big H hits a belly-to-belly. Homicide avoids a charge and runs off the rope. He tries something and Hernandez lifts Cide up for-freakin-ever and hits the Dominator. That’s all she wrote.

Winner: Hernandez

Rating: *3/4, not a lot to this match; it dragged a lot and the leg work really didn’t mean a whole lot. Plus I think everyone knew who was winning this one.

Doug Williams says the rest of the British Invasion is going to be backstage for tonight’s match with AJ. While he rates AJ highly, he thinks he’s even better.

AJ is with Jeremy and he says he hit rock bottom a few weeks ago but he’s back at 100% thanks to sting. He’s going to win tonight. Moving on.

Match #6: No Surrender Qualifying Final: AJ Styles vs. Doug Williams

Kurt Angle is doing commentary on this one.

AJ takes Doug down, but Williams rolls out and gets a headlock takedown. Lots of counters and pinfall attempts. Styles gets a headscissors, Doug escapes, and AJ goes for a cradle pin attempt. That gets 2. Williams tries a bow-and-arrow lock but Styles counters for a quick 1. Williams avoids a dropkick and gets a headlock. AJ counters a body slam and gets a body slam of his own. A dropkick gets 2. I’m having a hard time keeping up wit the action of this one.

Kneedrop by Styles gets 2. AJ gets an Indian Deathlock and then releases the hold. Styles counters a charge but Williams hits a Go 2 Sleep variant with a European Uppercut instead of a knee! That gets 2. Doug has a headscissors on where he keeps ramming his knees to the mat. That gets 2. Doug is really innovating in this match. Styles whips Williams and the two collide. Exchanging forearms and AJ hits a nice dropkick.

Doug goes to the outside and AJ leaps out. For a second there I thought Doug had a big bruise on his head. AJ gets a 2 count and puts Doug into a torture rack. He hits a backbreaker/powerbomb thing for 2. Awesome, awesome stuff! They’re on the top together and AJ is shoved off. Doug hits a top rope European for 2. LARIATO by Styles! Styles tries for a Styles Clash but Williams gets out! Williams reverses a waistlock and is gonna go for the Rolling Germans, but AJ holds on! REVERSE DDT! THAT’S IT!

Winner: AJ Styles

Rating: ***3/4, I really, really enjoyed that. Great work from both Styles and Williams…lots of counters that made sense and plenty of innovation plus a good story in the match.

Angle says there is no way in hell that Styles is taking the title off of him. Styles says he’s not done yet and that nothing will stop him on his quest.

After the commercial we’re backstage with Team 3D and Jesse Neal. Ray calls Neal an American hero. We have to hear Jesse’s story AGAIN. Ray botches his subject-verb agreement (can’t help it, I’m an English teacher!). Jesse is under 3D’s protection and they’re gonna help him become a superstar. Devon says they’re after The British Invasion and they’re getting the IWGP Tag Titles back; they’re also going for Steiner and Booker.

Match #7: Main Event, No Surrender Qualifying Final: Hernandez vs. Sting

Hernandez goes right for the ribs but backs off when Sting is hurt. Big H charges Sting into the corner. Sting gets control back with an atomic drop and dropkick. Big H is clearly conflicted about taking out Stinger in his state. Sting goes to the outside AND HERE COMES HOMICIDE. He takes out Sting and that’s a DQ!

Winner: Sting

It’s clear that it’s not Homicide…it’s ERIC YOUNG!

Rating: *1/2, this one wasn’t so good. The finish with it being Eric Young was cool, but there was nothing to the match. It was like a two minute match which had about two offensive moves in it.

Back from the commercial and Hernandez refuses to leave the ring. He wants Eric Young and the British Invasion storms the ring. The entire World Elite is in and Big Rob comes in from behind. I feel like a CLUSTER is coming to finish the show. Here comes AJ! He tries to clear house but the numbers catch up to him. BEER MONEY is out now! They clear the ring.

And now Team 3D is out on the ramp…the World Elite have nowhere to go! We have a brawl and Devon brings the table! Steiner and Booker come on down and attack 3D. Storm is put through the table and the World Elite and MEM stand tall in the ring to end the show.

Overall: All the focus this week was on the final two participants for No Surrender, and that’s fine, but the one night aspect of this tournament made everything feel rushed. I feel like this should have been spread over two weeks instead of thrown onto one show. That said, the show was still pretty good and there wasn’t a whole lot of stupidity either.

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Welcome back to the only weekly column where yours truly rants and raves about the mental impairment of those in the wrestling world! It’s been quite the week both in the ring and in the news, but before I jump in, I have to announce a new feature for “I’m With Stupid.”

When I first got the idea to do this column, I wanted to list the dumbest moments of the week, with the thing I deemed “most stupid” getting an award. When I re-tooled the column before publication, gone was the list and instead the recap format was chosen. Events this week have convinced me to bring one aspect of the original idea to your computer screens. So, starting this week, I will crown one person The Stupidest Person of the Week!

Since this is only the second column, I can take the liberty to go back in time and crown someone from last week the first ever winner. I barely mentioned this person in the inaugural edition, but this particular person managed, in the span of only a few seconds, to completely ruin one of the World Title matches at Summer Slam. So, Week 1’s Stupidest Person of the Week is none other than Lilian Garcia! Congratulations on COMPLETELY botching the result of the WWE Championship match, confusing the crowd, and taking a lot of momentum away from the entire show, Ms. Garcia! As a plus, given your propensity for botches on pay-per-view, I’m sure this will not be your last time winning this award!

Now, on to the week in stupidity!

TNA: Before I discuss Impact, let’s start with some wrestling news. Just two weeks removed from Kurt Angle’s arrest, the one-and-only Daniels got caught driving while impaired. According to reports, Daniels registered a 0.14 on a Breathalyzer while in North Carolina on Friday.

Hasn’t TNA gotten enough bad press in the last few weeks? Their road agents need to really hammer in that the boys need to be on their best behavior for the next few months. The last thing they need is more of this kind of press.

Impact was, again, quite good. If you didn’t catch my Impact review from late last week, you’ll see that I enjoyed the hell out of the in-ring product in almost all cases. Hamada’s debut was excellent and the six man main event worked well. There were, however, two moments that demand my attention.

In retrospect, I understand why Rhino destroyed Jesse Neal the way he did. If Rhino’s going to face Bobby Lashley, he needs to be built up. Having him destroy Neal and then lose via DQ isn’t the way to do it. Rhino looks like he has problems controlling himself against jobbers; he doesn’t look like someone who’s going to seriously challenge Bobbo.

The real crap of this week’s Impact was the segment with Foley, Abyss, ODB, and Cody Deaner. Abyss’s role wasn’t that bad, plus he got some groceries out of it. This ODB/Deaner stuff HAS to stop, though. It just has to. Deaner referencing The Hangover and then making a Chuck Norris reference to justify his getting the Knockouts Title caused my already precariously low IQ to drop significantly. The fact that the belt is being held up and that TNA might actually consider making a man the champion of the Knockouts Division makes me think that they want to kill it while they’re trying to build it up with their Tag Titles. It reminds me of when WCW instituted the Cruiserweight Tag Titles because they had killed the real Cruiserweight Title dead.

WWE: Again, let’s split it by show.

Superstars: Superstars bounced back in a big way this week, but this “Ask the Divas” garbage needs to never happen again. I do not need to hear Alicia Fox’s big hint about when a girl is into me, nor do I care what Mickie James thinks on the subject. Moving on!

Smackdown: No Kane-Khali? NO COMPLAINTS. Smackdown was excellent this week.

Raw: Too bad the same can’t be said for Raw. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I was actually entertained by Raw this week (an odd break from the norm) and I loved the Dusty/DX comedy stuff (especially with a reference to the Shockmaster!), but there was still a whole lot of stupidity.

I don’t know what happened to Gail Kim. When she was on TNA she was one of the premier women’s wrestlers in the world. Now? She’s seriously delving into Rhaka Khan territory after Monday’s six diva battle royal and the disaster a few weeks back with Mickie James. Is her gimmick that she’s forgotten how to wrestle and needs to be re-taught? Honestly, I can get down with that, but I need to know. I’m sure the segments of her learning how to wrestle again would be a hell of a lot funnier than the next segment I simply must talk about.

I know I mentioned it last week, but I’m sick of Hornswoggle/Chavo. It now feels like these matches have been going on for an eternity. We get it. Chavo keeps getting outsmarted and nobody backstage likes him. I’m sure next week when Hornswoggle bests Chavo at Plinko, only Michael Cole will be laughing, and that’s only because Vince will be screaming “LAUGH DAMMIT” into the headset. Everyone else will just be sitting, waiting for these painful segments to end.

ECW: When it was announced on Raw that Taker-Michaels from Mania XXV would be shown on ECW, besides immediately thinking ‘RATINGS GRAB,’ I had to think that WWE’s opinion of the Extreme Brand was even lower than assumed.

WWE: “We’re gonna use a portion of your show to rebroadcast a match from WrestleMania. You know, that show where your title wasn’t defended!”

ECW: “We’ve sort of got a lot going on right now. We’re building a Christian-Regal feud and we need time to develop it. Plus we need to get Regal’s stable over.”

WWE: “Regal has a stable?”

ECW: “Yeah, with Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov.”

WWE: “…Those guys are still employed?”

ECW: “Didn’t you watch our match at SummerSlam?”

WWE: “To be honest, we took a bathroom break.”

ECW: “Right. So anyway, we’re also trying to build up Sheamus.”

WWE: “Who the Hell is Sheamus?”

ECW: “The Irish guy.”

WWE: “Finlay?”

ECW: “No. The young Irish guy.”

WWE: “Hornswoggle?”

ECW: “No. He’s not young, he’s a dwarf. The tall, young Irish guy.”

WWE: “Are you sure this guy’s under contract?”

ECW: “Trust us. We’re developing him.”

WWE: “Sure you are. And if he does get built up like you’re saying, we’ll just take him off your hands!”

ECW: “Isn’t this why our ratings are down? Our brand getting raided, leaving us with nothing and then forcing us to rebuild?”

WWE: “Yeah. Pretty much. But your fix of making people care about the guys you’ve got is gonna take too long, so forget what you’re doing; we’re gonna show clips of Taker-Michaels.”

ECW: “Clips?”

WWE: “Yeah! I mean, we’ve got to give you some time for your show, right? We’ll show five minutes of it set to music.”

ECW: “You think ratings will be spiked by advertising a five minute clip of Taker-Michaels?”

WWE: “Well, we’re gonna imply it’s the full match in advertising.”

ECW: “You really want to just piss off everyone who watches us so we can be cancelled. That’s got to be it.”

WWE: “Pretty much. Yeah.”

That conversation happened almost word for word. I’m sure of it.

Oh yeah; Tony Atlas needs to be punched in the voice box.

All of this brings us to The Stupidest Person of the Week. While Daniels nearly got it with his DWI, the simple fact of the matter is that this week’s SPOTW has to be, without question, Rey Mysterio!

Wellness violations are bad, but probably not worthy of being called “stupid” on the level of a DWI. But Rey’s is a special case. Let’s examine:

First, and this is probably the least important reason Rey deserves this week’s award, Rey is forced into dropping the Intercontinental Title much, much sooner than he wanted. For those that don’t know, (according to dirt sheets) he petitioned to keep the title, holding off on the Dolph Ziggler title win because he felt his previous reign was too short. Getting popped for Wellness now, in the middle of that reign he petitioned for, makes him look like an idiot.

Second, Mysterio should know better given the people he has surrounded himself with in the past. While steroids were probably not the primary factor in the death of Eddie Guerrero, they most certainly played a part. Likewise, given that Mysterio was a patient of Dr. Phil Astin (the guy who gave a whole lot of steroids to Chris Benoit), he should have considered himself lucky for not getting in huge trouble then and stayed away. I admit this isn’t as bad as when Harry Smith got busted for steroids even though they killed his father, but come on. The man should know better.

Third, the excuse he gave to Record, a Mexican newspaper, cemented his status as Stupid Wrestler of the Week. I know that when I’m on vacation and doing promotional tours that I’m just having too much fun to care about my pending suspension and can’t be bothered to show the prescription for the banned substances I’m taking. Apparently, I’m not alone. Seriously: Mysterio knows what’s on the list of banned substances for WWE. If he had a prescription like he claims (and believe me, I don’t buy that for one second), he probably should have provided it when he took the drug test, rather than try to blame the company for giving him a vacation right when they were about to suspend him. Give me a break.

Finally, the fact that his other reaction to getting caught involved throwing a hissy fit and nearly quitting (as was the word during Tuesday’s Smackdown taping) just puts the icing on the stupid cake.

With that, I bid you all a good week. Hopefully next week, my Stupid Person of the Week will win the award for something in kayfabe as opposed to a real life screw-up but knowing wrestling, I doubt it.

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Hello everyone! This is Jason Sterlacci filling in for this week’s Impact Report. For those of you who don’t know, I normally write “I’m With Stupid,” which runs down the stupidest moments in the wrestling week. Naturally, this makes me the perfect person to cover Impact.

I swear I’m joking. Sort of.

Enough stalling from me…let’s get into this week’s Impact!

August 27, 2009

The show opens in the parking lot with Sting and AJ Styles arriving. For those that missed last week, AJ was considering retirement until Sting came out to convince him of otherwise in a GREAT segment. Basically, AJ’s here to work tonight, so his crisis of faith in himself is gone. Kip James then comes out and offers to park Sting’s car. Sting tells him he doesn’t have to and then James mentions to Lauren that he used to have a car like Sting’s…when he was over.

You can tell that Vince Russo pitched that last line.

Match #1: Non-Title Match: X-Division Champion Samoa Joe v. Suicide

Daniels is out for commentary and Joe gives him a big ole staredown. Let me just note one more time; the commentary team is so much better without Don West.

Right as the bell rings, Suicide runs for Joe and Joe proceeds to start destroying Suicide. He lays in with punches, a whip, and a flying a-hole and before this becomes an immediate squash, Suicide hits a dropkick into the turnbuckle. D’Angelo Dinero comes down to observe, and as soon as Suicide gets thrown to the floor, Dinero involves himself. Dinero tries to throw him back in, and Suicide fights back. Then Joe gets involved…and Daniels does too! Hebner throws the match out and announces a tag match for later tonight.

Winner: No Contest

Rating: No Rating, the match was short and was meant to build to an angle later in the night.

We cut to backstage and Eric Young is with Lauren. Young is continuing his movement to get Hernandez in the World Elite and calls Hernandez a second class citizen just like him.

After a commercial, the World Elite is in the hexagon and Sheik Abdul Bashir is addressing the crowd. Bashir decides to talk about the Iraq War. Lots of heel heat, but not the good kind (though it was a good promo, don’t get me wrong). Young takes the mic and gets right back to talking about Hernandez. Within moments, Hernandez is out. Young does the hard sell to get Hernandez is, telling Big H (as I affectionately call him) that the fans think of him as a criminal because he’s Mexican. Young tells him to ‘come home’ to the World Elite and Big H says he is home where he is.

We go backstage and Lauren is with Traci Brooks and Sharmell. Sharmell says that their team isn’t worried about Kong and Raisha Saaed. One of them (I can’t be bothered to remember who right now) calls Kong an elephant and Saaed a trainer. So they’re going to get murdered.

After another break, Lauren is backstage talking about the Knockout Tag Title Tourney and Alex Shelley is zooming right in on her cleavage. Sabin walks in and is looking too. Then Dr. Stevie comes around and asks the MCMG to take care of Abyss.

Match #2: Knockouts Tag Title Tournament: Awesome Kong and Raisha Saaed v. The Main Event Mafia (Sharmell and Traci Brooks)

I think we all know where this is going. Kong goes after Brooks but Traci keeps ducking The Awesome One. Saaed and Sharmell go in and as soon as Sharmell gets pushed down, she tags out. Saaed gets two near-falls but the Main Event Mafia girls get an opportunity when Traci reverses a whip. Sharmell goes for Saaed and the distraction is enough for Traci to gain the upper hand. Traci does a running double knee to Saaed’s back and gets a 2. Brooks can’t capitalize as Saaed manages a tag to Kong. Kong destroys and Brooks barely gets out of an implant buster but gets nailed for her trouble. Kong climbs to the second rope (!) and connects a splash BUT Sharmell breaks up the pin. Kong chases after Sharmell and Saaed tags herself in to get the cover.

We get some post match tension as Kong looks upset that Saaed got the pin. Dissension?

Winners: Awesome Kong and Raisha Saaed

Rating: **1/2, fun match that was fast paced and balanced a potential Kong/Saaed angle with decent wrestling.

Matt Morgan goes into the MEM dressing room and Angle gives us a near “I’m With Stupid” moment when he notes that he’s much more experienced than Morgan….nearly a decade in the business compared to Morgan’s seven! It would have been better if Angle had mentioned his amateur experience rather than note that Morgan’s been wrestling almost as long as Angle. Regardless, Morgan mentions the four-way for the World Title at No Surrender and says that he’s in. So it’s Angle v. Morgan v. two to be decided. I’m assuming Sting and Styles.

Match #3: Jesse Neal v. Rhino

Neal goes to shake hands and gets destroyed by kicks. Neal is in the corner and getting booted. Rhino whips Neal and kicks him first in the gut and then in the head. We’ve got a squash on our hands! All that kicking gets a 2 count; Neal tries to get in some token offense but a whip becomes a spinebuster. That gets the 3.

NOT SO FAST, though. Rhino hits the gore and the ref reverses the decision.

Winner: Jesse Neal via disqualification

Rating: 1/2*, not a fan of that. The idea is that Jesse wants to persevere and succeed, I get it. I don’t think a squash that gets reversed is the way to do it. Moving on.

And now we have my lead item for next week’s “I’m With Stupid.” We’re backstage with Judge Mick Foley, ODB, and Cody Deaner. The Knockouts Title is going to be discussed but before we can begin with that Abyss comes in. Foley gives him a bag of groceries because “(Abyss) loves groceries.” Oh dear lord, this is making my brain hurt. Anyway, ODB argues she should be champ because she’s a woman and Deaner isn’t (good point). Deaner argues that he knocked out Mike Tyson while in Vegas in a reference to The Hangover that is ignored by Foley, who just does a Tyson impersonation. Deaner then says he knocked out Chuck Norris. We get a Chuck Norris joke, Foley says the title is officially HELD UP, and they’ll have a match to sort it out.

I need a drink.

Match #4: Handicap Match: Abyss v. The Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin)

The MCMG jump Abyss and get some good double team offense in. They go for the suplex and Abyss reverses it for the upper hand. Abyss nails a side suplex on Shelley and chokeslams Sabin right on top. Abyss then goes 1 for 2 on avalanches (Shelley gets out of the way) and the Guns hit a dropkick and enziguiri simultaneously. Dropkicks a plenty and all three men are on the outside after a dropkick to the floor, cross body that gets caught, and tope. Abyss gets rolled in and Shelley goes for a cross body attempt that gets caught…yes, another. Sabin gets a 2 after a missile dropkick. A sliced bread is blocked and Abyss goes for Shock Treatment on Shelley. Sabin goes to break it up but gets a boot. Shelley gets hit by Shock Treatment as Sabin gets a leg. Shelley distracts the ref as Dr. Stevie comes down to interfere, Sabin goes for a springboard but gets the Black Hole Slam! That’s all she wrote.

Winner: Abyss

Rating: **1/4, not a bad match by any means, though I do have complaints about the Guns being jobbed out due to my own personal bias.

Stevie starts ripping into the Guns post-match, and he gets put in the Tree of Joey Lawrence and takes a dropkick for his troubles. Abyss has got a chair, but Kevin Nash is out as we go to commercial.

When Impact comes back from the break, Nash announces that he’s going to take Dr. Stevie’s bounty offer. It’s Nash v. Abyss at No Surrender in a match that I will be sure to avoid watching like the plague.

Lauren is backstage with Daffney. She’s going to square off with Hamada in our next match, which is Hamada’s debut. Daffney’s playing up the lunacy and talks about killing the sheep she counts for sleeping purposes.

Moving on.

Match #5: No-Disqualification Match, Daffney v. Hamada

I assume the match is No DQ to help Hamada get over real quick-like in the Impact Zone. Smart move if correct.

Daffney starts off strong with a snapmare, blockbuster, and chest kick that gets a 2. We get a chop-off that breaks down when Daffney hits a forearm and Hamada hits a good kick. Head shot! Daffney goes to the apron and Hamada kicks her in the head. NICE. The ladies are on the outside at the commercial break.

Daffney hits a running clothesline as the show resumes. She hits an elbow from the ropes for 2; Hamada gets whipped but she hits a superkick and enziguiri when Daffney charges. More chops, then headbutts, then a DDT all add up to a 2 count on Daff. Hamada goes for a spin kick that gets ducked and Daff follows through with a nice shining wizard that gets a 2. Hamada goes to the floor and I see a table. Daffney grabs a chair and swings but misses and hits the ringpost. Hamada nails Daffney with the chair, putting it around her head, and runs her into the post! NICE AGAIN. Daffney’s put on the table and Hamada hits a MOONSAULT THROUGH THE TABLE. NICE A THIRD TIME. A Michinoku Driver polishes off Daffney and that’s it! I like Hamada a lot.

Winner: Hamada

Rating: ***1/4, a really good match for free TV that accomplishes the goal of getting Hamada over post haste. I want to see more.

The Beautiful People are backstage at the commercial. When Impact comes back Sky and Love have found Madison Rayne. They tell her that they don’t care about her surprise partner, we get some piefacing, and Rayne gets beat down. NEXT!

Match #6: D’Angelo Dinero and X-Division Champion Samoa Joe v. Suicide and Daniels

Joe starts off with Suicide. Joe puts him in the kimura lock and tags in Dinero. He works on the other arm and takes a dropkick. Suicide tags in Daniels and they double team the Pope. Daniels hits a scoop slam and a split legged moonsault that gets a 2 count. Daniels goes for a whip that gets reversed and Joe knees him in the back; Dinero takes advantage and we get an STO as the show heads to break.

Joe is in now and he’s punching away at Daniels who hits an enziguiri and STO. Double tag! Suicide is in control on Dinero. We get some hands and a heel kick followed by a neckbreaker that gets 2. We get another two that’s broken up by Joe. Daniels comes in too and we’re back to a cluster. Is the ref gonna throw this out, too? Nope…Joe and Dinero clean house with the former hitting a clothesline on Suicide and the latter nailing Daniels with a German suplex. Suicide and Daniels are outside and Daniels moves as Joe goes for the tope. Split legged moonsault! Suicide is back in the ring and misses a cross body to Dinero. Dinero is measuring him up for the Experience (is he still calling it that?) and Suicide moves, gets an inside cradle, and gets the three!

Winners: Suicide and Daniels

Rating: **1/2, nothing to write home about, but this was still pretty entertaining.

Dixie is backstage. The three year deal with Spike is announced and Bobby Lashley explains his motivations for coming to TNA. Really not that bad of a segment, but kind of boring. Lashley v. Rhino is announced for No Surrender.

Match #7 (Main Event): Sting, AJ Styles, and Hernandez v. Matt Morgan and World Tag Team Champions Scott Steiner and Booker T

Kurt Angle comes out for commentary. He calls AJ a quitter. Sting and Booker start up. Sting gets the early upper hand with an inverted atomic drop and dropkick. Sting hits a hip toss and AJ is tagged in. Booker gets control and tags in Steiner. Want to guess what happens? If you say Styles gets control back and tags in Hernandez, pat yourself on the back! And now Morgan’s in! Hernandez tries and fails to take Morgan down and Morgan hits a clothesline that takes Big H to the canvas. Big H knees Morgan and puts the Blueprint into a delayed suplex. Morgan goes to the outside and Impact goes to commercial as Big H hits a Mexican Torpedo on the MEM while they’re regrouping.

Steiner’s got a chinlock on AJ when the show comes back. AJ breaks it but gets a belly-to-belly immediately. That’s good for 2 and the Blueprint comes in. He goes for a powerslam but AJ gets out of it and Big H is back in! Hernandez cleans house and Morgan gets tackled. Steiner breaks up the pin attempt and all six men are in the hexagon now. IT’S BREAKING DOWN ON THURSDAY NIGHT! The four illegal men go back outside and Hernandez misses on a charge. Morgan’s going to go for the Hellavator, but Steiner enters the ring with a chair. Morgan’s not so trusting, and Big H takes advantage. He pushes Morgan into the chair and AJ hits a cross body for the pin!

Morgan levels the Tag Champs and stares down Angle as the show concludes.

Winners: AJ Styles, Sting, and Hernandez

Rating: ***1/4, pretty good, plus the Morgan angle continues. I’m starting to believe that he will wind up World Champ, and this is what we call a “good loss.” Plus AJ gets his groove back by pinning the guy who caused him to have his doubts. All around good storytelling.

Overall: Pretty good show, but not perfect. Some of the backstage segments (Foley/Abyss/ODB/Deaner and The Beautiful People/Madison) were awful, but from an in-ring standpoint there were five matches that ranged from passable to good. The other two matches were a VERY short squash and a short non-finished opener that at least built to our semi-main.

Could Impact be improving to the point where “I’m With Stupid” will be passé just one week in? In all seriousness, this is two straight weeks of improving Impacts. This is a good building point for the future.

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Welcome one and all to the first edition of “I’m With Stupid!” For those of you who do not know me, I am Jason Sterlacci, the ninety-third former member of The Cool Kids Table to join Pro Wrestling Ponderings. In my tenure at the Table, I wrote the “CHIKOLUMN”, the “WWEvaluation”, and, my experiment with letting other people do the bulk of the work for me, “Oddsmakers.” Now, I bring you something totally different from all that other stuff.

Let’s start with the basics. Presumably, you’re here at this website because you’re either a fan of pro wrestling or you’re my fiancée and you’re trying to figure out why I was up until 2:30 AM writing this column. If you’re in the former, you’re probably a lot like me: you have spent a LOT of time (and money) following this pre-determined sport-like entertainment. You do this despite the fact that every single week, you encounter something, either on television, at a live show, or scouring a news site, that is unbelievably stupid. “I’m With Stupid” is all about chronicling these “stupid” moments, just in case you missed something in the previous seven days.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking. ‘Jason,’ you’re thinking, ‘this sounds an awful lot like Wrestlecrap.’ Not so fast. While I’m a huge fan of the work of RD Reynolds (and Triple Kelly), this column is NOT trying to rip off, emulate, or in any way copy the scope or style of wrestlecrap.com. While I will certainly make note of stupid segments and gimmicks, this column is also about the stupid decisions made behind the scenes and in the streets (*cough*Kurt Angle*cough*). This isn’t meant to be a humorous column that’ll have you rollicking with laughter; this is more of a “Week in Review” that focuses on all the stuff you’ll want to forget about when your girlfriend sits next to you on the couch and asks you why you still watch this stuff.

The astute reader will note that this weekly review is published on Thursday, an odd choice of day to do something like this. Let me just note as I get started that for me, when I think of “stupid” and “wrestling,” my mind can’t help but naturally gravitate to Thursday nights and a certain promotion that always seems to make my brain hurt.

TNA: I’ll be the first to admit that Impact was pretty good this week. I mean, it started off with Don West finally, mercifully being pulled off of my television set, which automatically makes it the best Impact of all time. Plus it featured a GREAT promo with AJ Styles and Sting that makes me hopeful for TNA’s future for the first time in a looooooong while. But there was still plenty of the asinine stuff that makes TNA what it is.

The biggest problem I’ve got with Impact right now is Cody Deaner. Maybe I’m just being sexist, but when a man is competing for a women’s title, it automatically makes my list of stupid. We get it, you got the pin for ODB. Now give her the Knockouts Title without conflict so I don’t have to sit through an uncomfortable manager v. woman match that demeans both the title and the fans. Please.

Speaking of women’s titles…it’s one thing to have two women’s titles in WWE, given that they have two rosters of women that don’t compete against one another (unless WWE has decided to yet again ignore the brand split). TNA DOES NOT need a Knockouts Tag Title. I don’t care how many women they bring in or even if they wind up getting their own show down the line; use an influx of female talent to re-establish the importance of the Knockouts belt, which has fallen by the wayside in recent months, and hold off on the ladies’ tag belts.

Finally, I’ve got to say this because it’s been bugging me for a few weeks now. I like Matt Morgan. I really do. I want to see him succeed because, quite frankly, he’s pretty close to a total package (not Lex Luger): the man is enormous, can cut a good promo, and is pretty good in the ring. That said, right now, I don’t think he’s ready to be TNA World Champion. On the same note, I don’t think Hernandez is ready yet, either. And that leads to a problem, because right now they’re the obvious go-to guys for Angle to feud with. I just don’t see either one being the champ any time soon.

WWE: Busy week from WWE when it comes to stupidity, so I’m going to go from show to show.

Superstars: Superstars was trash. Usually, there’s one or two good matches that make it worth watching, but this week, there was none of that to be found. We had an hour of matches that were best watched in fast forward on the old DVR. There’s really very little to talk about, and that’s a problem. Remember kids, Superstars is still a very young show. It needs to give us a reason to keep watching every week, and Chris Masters losing via countout is not exactly must watch. It’ll be interesting to see where Superstars goes in the coming weeks, but I hope this was just a one off bad show.

Smackdown: Let me start by saying that I’ve loved what the blue show has been putting on since the draft; I’d venture to say that I haven’t enjoyed a wrestling show this consistently since the days of the original ECW. That said, I genuinely hope and pray that the Kane-Khali stuff ended at SummerSlam. Other than JR’s verbal flubs, which are becoming a bit more common each week, there’s little else that can be called stupid on Friday nights, except that John Morrison needs to be World Champ now.

Raw: Raw is becoming a chore to watch. Segments like the opening of this week’s episode are major reasons why. Look, I loved the Rock-Mankind “This Is Your Life” segment that went a good twenty minutes, but this was just tedious. Any time I see Big Dick Johnson on my TV screen, I want to burn my eyeballs out, so just realize that I sat through this Raw and kept my retinas intact for the sake of you readers. And was there really a need for that segment to go that long? They couldn’t trim it by fifteen minutes and still set up the main event for the night? Then, TO TOP IT OFF, we get even more segments during the show about it being Vince’s birthday? I must be a masochist to sit through this.

In other news, I’m officially sick and tired of this Hornswoggle-Chavo stuff. I think it’s been nine weeks in a row now where these two have wasted precious TV time with a silly gimmick match. It was barely funny the first few times, now it’s just got me itching to change the channel. This reminds me of the Hornswoggle “Looney Tunes” stuff from (I think) last summer. Just end it, and for the love of God, stop burying Chavo. At least ECW was alright this week.

SummerSlam: SummerFest gave me one minor gripe and one huge complaint. Right off the bat, I can’t understand why Dolph Ziggler cannot get the Intercontinental Title. Don’t get me wrong, Rey Mysterio has been great this year, but Ziggler has caught my attention since coming over to Smackdown. I was positive when the year started that the former Spirit Squad member would be gone from WWE by year’s end; now I’m sure he’s got a bright future ahead of him, so pull the trigger and give the man the belt!

The ECW Championship match was a disaster. I like Christian. I LOVE William Regal. I was looking forward to a good match between the two. Instead, we got six seconds and a beat down on Captain Charisma. So let’s get it straight: the ECW title is again made to look worthless, Regal is made to look like an idiot, and the champ is destroyed. I understand that they’re building to a rematch, but the title match could have been given more than SIX SECONDS.

One last WWE thing to mention: potentially changing and re-theming yet another pay-per-view is a terrible idea. We don’t need a three hour show featuring three TLC matches. Those things are fun in part because they’re so rare. Don’t overdo a cool match to pop a buyrate, WWE, because I can tell you for certain I won’t be sitting around on my couch to watch Hell in a Cell…although I assure everyone that it’s a coincidence that I have tickets to that very show.

ROH: Not much to report for ROH since I don’t have HDNet and don’t attend Philadelphia tapings any more. Ring of Honor didn’t really do anything stupid this week, but it’s worth mentioning that they did something VERY stupid a few months ago and HD Net decided to screw them over a few weeks ago and those two things came back to bite them this week.

By moving ROH’s show to Mondays, the little promotion that could officially got the notice of WWE. And when a company is on WWE’s radar, that means only one thing: talent raids. With the fact that just about no one reportedly re-signed their contracts a few months ago because of a number of problems (including cut pay and a loss of health care), it’s only inevitable that people will leave when offered a chance to make it to the big time, and the first of these losses came over the weekend.

I’m not going to talk about it in excessive detail, but to me, Bryan Danielson IS Ring of Honor. With him leaving, I don’t see a strong future ahead for the company. It’s fought through a lot of adversity in the past, but this year it seems like ROH has taken a lot of blows all at once. And with rumors of more people leaving soon (plus Jimmy Jacobs), one has to wonder if they can get up from those blows.

With that, I wrap up the first edition of “I’m With Stupid.” Join me next week for more of me pointing out the failings of others!

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