Pro Wrestling Ponderings

Welcome to The Young CHIKARMY Insider Chronicles! I wish I had some kind of witty inside reference to the show about the early years of Indiana Jones, but I didn’t watch it. It was before my time. Sean Patrick Flanery played the young Henry. He was in The Boondock Saints. There’s a sequel to that film coming out this month called The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day. Everybody’s back from the first film except for Willem Dafoe, who probably laughed until he passed out when they asked him to do it. Even David Della Rocco is back…somehow. While I can’t really recommend you see the first film or its sequel (they’re both ridiculously stupid, but pretty fun), I can definitely advocate Overnight, the documentary that followed Boondock Saints creator, writer, and director Troy Duffy as he slowly devolved from Hollywood golden boy to an egomaniacal jerk that alienated everyone around him. It’s fascinating, but it has nothing to do with Chikara.

This week’s issue takes one final look at the October shows, where only one match remains unannounced. Then, Eddie Kingston would like a word with us. It’s about Claudio Castagnoli…and it’s not very pleasant. Those two need to hug it out. Lastly, I’ve a got a new Horrible Gimmick~! for your viewing pleasure. So buckle up and get ready…’cause this column ain’t got airbags. Seriously, the column would NOT pass highway safety inspection. Read at your own risk.

At Hiding in Plain Sight, Chikara’s September show in New Hampshire, Sal Rinauro showed up alongside Bryan Danielson and Colt Cabana, most likely filming for their documentary Wrestling Road Diaries. He apparently went a little banana when he wasn’t instantly offered a contract with the company. He then grabbed a camera and demanded a bout against Mike Quackenbush. Not just any match, either; a match for Quack’s NWA World Jr. Title! Well Leonard F. Chikarason was apparently impressed with Sal’s moxie, so the match is on! Last time these two faced each other, Quackenbush survived Sal’s devastating springboard corkscrew enzuigiri and tapped Rinauro out using a modified Boston Crab. Rinauro will have to take control early, otherwise his Chikara debut will be one to forget.

Opponents in the Cibernetico match, Matt and Nick Jackson will team up the night before in a match that will see The Young Bucks challenge three other teams in a Four-Corners Elimination Tag Match. The team with the most to gain here is The Osirian Portal, who lost the tag belts at Hiding in Plain Sight. They have been put in a great position here, along with their tag the next night against The Roughnecks, to get their belts back. If they were to somehow run the table, getting all three falls, and if The Roughnecks beat the Colony for the belts, The Portal might have to cash in their points and demand a title shot! Icarus & Chuck Taylor are also coming off of a loss at Hiding in Plain Sight, so a win here will put them back on track to total tag team domination. With Icarus & Akuma already in line for a shot and Akuma & Taylor sitting comfortably at two points, F.I.S.T. could be looking to mount something crazy against the tag champs. The wildcard in all of this would be the new team of Dasher Hatfield and Sugar Dunkerton. This one should be as unpredictable as it is explosive!

As you can see, there have been several line-up changes on both sides of this year’s Cibernetico match. The drama behind it adds another personal element to the match. See, Fire Ant was given the option of moving his team around, shifting his batting order. He declined, so Soldier Ant made several adjustments, most notably pitting top pick Mike Quackenbush against team captain Fire Ant and putting Hallowicked as the next-in-line against Jigsaw. Then, Fire Ant changed his mind, requesting to shift his batting order. Soldier Ant agreed to let it go, but it was a bush-league move by Fire Ant to make that play. Still, it worked out for him, and he got his way. The most significant change Fire Ant made was placing Player Dos a step behind Player Uno, keeping them staggered in the batting order.

It’ll be put up or shut up time for Sal Rinauro at Cibernetico Increible. Already with a title match the night before against Quackenbush, Sal will then have to contend with Claudio Castagnoli the next. Some might argue that Sal has bitten off more than he can chew, but I doubt Sal would be one of those people. He’s his biggest fan and someone who truly believes his own hype, but if he doesn’t find a way to steer clear of Claudio’s nasty strikes, he might get a Giant Swing right out of the building.

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I promised it to you last week, and I delivered: a fresh baked edition of Horrible Gimmicks Run Amok~! This is an idea I had while watching another wrestler work in his gimmick. I am probably the biggest Kenichiro Arai mark on this planet. He works mainly in Dragon Gate, had has the gimmick of an old, tired, drunk who never feels like wrestling. He always cheats, will occasionally fall asleep during matches, and is just a gigantic evildoer most of the time. I was watching a match he had with Anthony W. Mori, and I had a thought: “Wouldn’t this be funny if he was dressed like a clown?” And that was the launching pad for Zobo, the Happiest Clown. To get an idea of how Zobbo handles his business, you can watch the match that helped me conceive him RIGHT HERE! Just picture Araken (the guy in the jumpsuit) as a sad clown.

Lawrence “Larry” Wendell was born in Chicago, Illinois. His father was a third generation butcher, so when he was growing up, that is what Larry was expected to become. His family labeled him “Happy Larry” became there seemingly was not a thing on Earth that could break his spirit. Even on the day his first pet died (a gerbil named Toothy), Larry simply declared, “Yay! We can get a new gerbil!” He went on to attend high school in the same spirits, but by that time, he had fallen in love with making other people smile just as much as he did. It was at the end of his junior year that he created Zobo, a character that was created initially just for entertaining residents at orphanages and retirement homes. He married his high school sweetheart directly after graduating and began his life as a butcher in the family business.

Larry continued to entertain people, and on one fateful day at a nursing home on the north side, he discovered pro wrestling on TV. He loved the action and the sportsmanship, but he loved the drama as well, finding it to be a much better platform for his pursuit. He wanted to please a larger audience, and wrestling was the ticket. After months of saving and deliberation, Larry started training to become a pro wrestler. He was a natural, and within a year, he was already getting bookings local, awaiting the call to get into the big leagues. His energy and enthusiasm were so infectious that he caught fire with fans from the get-go. After only two years on the Chicago circuit, Larry got the call: he would be on national television every week in a worldwide federation, entertaining fans all over the country. He quit his job as a butcher and became a wrestler full-time. It was the last time in his life that Larry would catch an honest break.

Upon arriving in the big leagues, Larry noticed how difficult it was to circumvent the politics of the business. When he finally got his chance to shine, audiences latched on. It amazed even Larry how quickly fans everywhere picked up on his liveliness. He felt like the luckiest guy in the world. Then, for reasons that were never explained to Larry, his house exploded. It just…it just exploded. Every possession he had was destroyed in the fire. He and his wife stayed in an apartment, where Larry tripped over a loose tile and injured his knee. Two weeks later, after a whirlwind rise to fame, Larry was fired. Apparently, another wrestler with backstage pull got Larry axed to make room for his buddy to start a clown character named Doink. Everybody hated it and still hates it. It was and is really stupid.

After years of failed attempts to make a child with his wife, Larry (now a hardware salesman since his father’s butcher business went under) got tested, which revealed that Larry was unable to bear one. Larry’s wife left him shortly after. After a spat with his family that involved Larry’s impotency, he found himself alone and resorting to alcohol to relieve stress. Five years passed without incident before Larry’s liquor abuse blended into his work, where he berated a customer for being, “really short and dumb-looking.” The ten year old girl’s parents filed a lawsuit. Larry was out of a job.

Unemployed, depressed and alone, Larry got a call at three in the afternoon from an old friend about a wrestling reunion show at a rodeo. Larry suited up right away, make-up, red nose and all, and went to the show, where he wrestled a really big guy who worked stiff. That’s all Larry could remember. He woke up in a hospital bed a day later. Apparently, Larry imagined the phone call, went down to the local rodeo, and fought a bull in front of a couple thousand people. He became a YouTube sensation, and suddenly there was interest in Larry again on the wrestling independent scene again, which had grown by leaps and bounds since his days. Larry, it seemed, was back.

Sober and excited, Zobo, The Happiest Clown, made his redebut in New York as a part of a legends wrestling show. Larry came out to a thunderous clamor, and as he made his way down the ramp, he tripped and fell flat on his face. He hadn’t worn his big shoes in years, so it was somewhat understandable. However, when Larry looked up, he saw kids pointing, laughing, and shouting terrible, unrepeatable things at him. Larry continued to play to the crowd happily, but his join soon died. No one clapped. No one cheered. No one cared. They just insulted him right to his face. The fans, it seemed, had become cynical and self-important. They didn’t care about him anymore. That’s when Larry decided to return the favor.

He wrestled at half-speed that night, drawing amazing heat from the crowd. He didn’t care anymore. Larry got paid that night, and the promoter told him there was more work in the future if he could get fans riled up like that. Larry wanted to wrestle under his own name, but the promoter said that he would only hire him if he was in the make-up. So that’s Larry’s curse; the only way he can get back at the world is to anger them in the ring, where he is forced to wear a persona that doesn’t apply to him anymore. Larry turned back to booze, even carrying a flask to the ring with him. He joined Chikara soon at the behest of fans that wanted to genuinely cheer him on. Larry didn’t believe them, thinking it was just some sort of game to further humiliate him. Larry would swig from his “water” bottle (Chikara officials didn’t want him drinking from a flask) and continue on his mission: make everyone as mad and bitter as he is. There’s no happy ending here; just an ending.

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実際に重要なニュース!

- Chikara will return to Easton and Philadelphia in November with Throwing Life’s Instructions Away on Saturday, November 21st and the Season 8 Finale show Three-Fisted Tales on Sunday, November 22nd. These shows will be discussed here at-length in the coming weeks!

- Next week, I’ll have results from the two October shows, some November show updates, and some Classic Chikara! I’ll be at the Florida/Arkansas football game in Gainesville, so I’ll be back the next day. You can expect the column to be up Sunday night. See ya then!

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Hello all, and welcome to CHIKARMY Insider, in the Conservatory, with the Lead Pipe. Yeah, that’s how we do. We do lead pipe. As you may or may not have noticed, this week’s Insider is two days late. Now, I really wish that I had some sort of grand explanation for it: my wife died, a plane hit my favorite restaurant, there was a good football game on, etc. The truth is much simpler, and pretty embarrassing: I forgot to post it. I wrote it up and…forgot a very important step! Yep, it was my lunch hour earlier today and I wanted to see what others had written. Well, much to my surprise…my article wasn’t there. Nicely done, me. Had to wait ‘til now to post. Sorry fans…er, fan. To make up for this, next’s week article WILL be on time and WILL feature an all-new Horrible Gimmick~! Rejoice! This week’s episode features a DVD review of “The Bobliographon”, more poorly-conceived threats from UltraMantis Black, and info on the October shows, including a look at the final four teams in this year’s Cibernetico, with one HUGE surprise team that…You. Won’t. See. Coming. Look at me! I’m the ending to a bad horror trailer!

Chikara DVD Review:

The Bobliographon

The Bobliographon might as well have been called “Night of the Grudges”, as there were four matches that had heated back-stories with issues that needed settling. Some of the conflicts were ended…others continued to burn. Incoherence looked to end their feud with The Roughnecks, Vin Gerard continued his feud with Glacier, and The Future is Now looked to tear The Osirian Portal apart. The main event saw the biggest feud in Chikara explode into all-out war as The Colony, looking to avenge their fallen brother Worker Ant, teamed with Mike Quackenbush and Jigsaw to face Buck Hawke and the men who ended their brother’s career: F.I.S.T.

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1. Claudio Castagnoli vs. Shadow Phoenix - ***1/2

Really good contest between these two, which is NOT a surprise if you’ve ever seen a match pitting Claudio against any small, athletic, flying wrestler. This match was much crisper than Shadow’s bout the night before against Gran Akuma. Finish was good, but I was shocked that it only took a Bicycle Kick to cut Shadow Phoenix down. It made Claudio look beastly, which was the point I guess.

PROMO - The Super Smash Brothers

These guys always slay me when they get time to talk. This was the first time I took notice of how thick Dos’ French-Canadian accent is. It was startling.

PROMO - 2.0

See Above. Well, not the French-Canadian thing. That’s exclusive to Mr. Dos.

2. Elimination Match - Cheech & Cloudy vs. 2.0 vs. The UnStable vs. The SSB - ***1/4

Good match. I really wasn’t into a lot of the stuff at the beginning, but after the 2.0 elimination, things picked up nicely. There was an absolutely huge moment that occurs after the second elimination and would foreshadow events to come in Chikara. But the really meat here was the exchanges between the Smash Brothers and Cheech & Cloudy. They had a terrific match last year at Aniversarioct, and they picked up right where they left off here.

PROMO - The Order of the Neo-Solar Temple

I don’t even remember this promo to be honest, so it couldn’t have been that important. I remember UltraMantis said something about wielding the “ultimate power”, which would be big later on in the show and in Chikara as well.

3. Create-A-Wrestler vs. UltraMantis Black w/ Crossbones - *3/4

Well, you knew the quality couldn’t stay that high forever. This served no real purpose other than driving the point home that CAW sucks without a fan-made gimmick…which we already knew. Pay attention to the commentary though, as some previously unknown info sees the light of day.

4. Grudge Match #1 - Incoherence vs. The Roughnecks - ***3/4

This is the night’s first grudge match, and it was awesome. Some of the cheap double team moves from the Roughnecks had me in stitches. At one point, Brodie sat on the top turnbuckle and lifted Frightmare in the air by his head. Kingston then started peppering his midsection with fists and elbows. Highlight of the match was seeing a Go 2 Sleep Hollow on Kingston, followed by Shadows Over Heck by Delirious and the Kneecolepsy by Frightmare. It’s a shame these guys didn’t get more time as a trio; after the match, UltraMantis kidnapped Delirious using what appeared to be the Eye of Tyr.

PROMO - Claudio Castagnoli

Claudio has always seemed a little clunky on promos, which is understandable given his grasp of English is not always an easy one. The heat he brought, however, was great, and I truly felt like Claudio had been disrespected.

ANNOUNCEMENT - A New Partnership Forms!

When this company was first announced, I said on a few forums that all they needed to be successful was some involvement from other indies, mainly Chikara. I feel brilliant.

5. Shark Girl vs. Sara Del Rey - **

I really enjoyed this despite the length. I’m a dirty mark for Daffney and Del Rey, so the three person shark bite spot had me giggling, as did the chant afterwards.

6. Grudge Match #2 - The Osirian Portal vs. The Future is Now - ***

The story of the match involved the strife within the Osirian Portal, as Escorpion had lost several contests and appeared to lack focus in some of his matches. While the wrestling was good, I felt that the story itself was forced. They really must have put this together at the last minute; at least that’s what it felt like. Still, it got the point across, albeit somewhat disappointingly, and the action was crisp.

PROMO - Vin Gerard

If you’ve seen one Vin promo, you’ve seen them all. I much prefer him with his UnStable brethren where those guys can really shine in their smug insecurity. But this was solo Vin, so it was just OK.

7. Grudge Match #3 - Vin Gerard vs. Glacier - **

I’ll admit I actually really enjoyed the early stuff. The old-school chicken heel stuff was layered on thick, and had they exploded in the end, I would have lauded this match. Instead, they kept it slow and boring almost constantly. It became tedious to the point of near fury, and not in a good way. Not in a way that made me appreciate Vin Gerard’s heel work. After the match, I decided to do something more interesting…so I watched bark fall off a tree. Weeeee.

8. Grudge Match #4 - Fire & Soldier Ant and QuackenSaw vs. Buck Hawke & F.I.S.T. - ***3/4

Great way to end the show. It’s just good business for your MOTN to be in main event. Shocking, right? Everybody did great, and the heat was awesome. It set the stage for the feud-ending match between F.I.S.T. and the Colony, but also added to a growing QuackenSaw vs. F.I.S.T. rivalry, which would be big in the coming months. My only complaint would be that there was too much Buck Hawke. He’s fun…in small doses. Great match though.

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Two of the best young wrestlers Chikara has to offer will be clashing in Easton, Pennsylvania on October 17^th. Frightmare, after emerging victorious over Brandon Jonathan Michael Taylor Thomas in a rematch from the Young Lions Cup Tournament, has earned a title shot again Player Dos for his Young Lions Trophy. Both guys can be considered risk takers, so it could be either guy walking away as champion. Dos has the experience and the size advantage, but Frightmare’s ferociousness may not have a rival in Chikara.

An intriguing match-up in Easton will pit two teams with internal issues against one another. Green Ant called out the mysterious Carpenter Ant on his perceived lack of motivation, while Crossbones, after losing in the main event of Never Kneel at the Altar of Conformity, was nearly kicked out of the Order before UltraMantis allowed him to stay. Now Crossbones will be looking for revenge and gain favor with his friend by taking down the two youngest members of The Colony. The key to the match appears to be whichever team can get along will win…but there are no guarantees that either team can keep their grumbling in check.

Dasher Hatfield had some trouble getting a hold of the Super Smash Brothers, so he decided to find a new partner in his quest for three points. Well, Sugar Dunkerton answered the call. Unfortunately, they have to go up against some Badd dudes in Philly. The Badd Boyz, after beating the Colony to get their first point, could be looking at a possible three-point match-up here if they get past Helios and Dorado the night before. With that extra incentive, it’ll be tough to get past Chad and Brad; but if anyone can do it, it’s Dash & Dunk. Team Sports. BASEketball. The Old-Schools. Cloak and Dagger. Dash of Sugar. The Hardy Boyz. Team Discovery Channel. Just pick a name already…

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After being left out of this year’s Cibernetico, both The Osirian Portal and the Roughnecks probably feel a little bitter. I mean, let’s face it; they know that neither of their respective teams is winning a popularity contest anytime soon due to their bad guy shenanigans. But it’s still gotta sting when you’re pass over for an outsider team. It’s like their being one spot left on a dodge ball team and, instead of choosing you, the captain chooses someone from another school. It’s exactly like that. But with wrestling. The two teams will look to take frustrations out on each other. Or maybe they’ll hug it out. Probably not though.

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New Chikara DVD Releases:

Man Makes Plans, And God Laughs

Springfield, MA ~ 09/12/2009

1. Brendan Michael Thomas vs. Frightmare

2. The Badd Boyz vs. Fire & Green Ant

3. Grizzly Redwood vs. Steve “The Turtle” Weiner

4. Colin Delaney vs. Dasher Hatfield

5. The Super Smash Brothers vs. UltraMantis Black & Delirious

6. SeaDonsters No More: Tim Donst vs. Hydra

7. Vin Gerard, STIGMA & ???? vs. Mike Quackenbush, Lince Dorado & Equinox

8. Ophidian Returns: The Osirian Portal vs. Icarus & Chuck Taylor

9. For The First Time: Hallowicked vs. Claudio Castagnoli

Hiding In Plain Sight

Nashua, NH ~ 09/13/2009

1. Icarus & Chuck Taylor vs. Incoherence

2. Ariel vs. Sara Del Ray

3. Champions Of Charity Award Presentation

4. Eddie Kingston & Grizzly Redwood vs. UltraMantis Black & Delirious

5. Dragon’s Farewell: Mike Quackenbush & Jigsaw vs. Claudio Castagnoli & Bryan Danielson

6. The UnStable & 2.0 vs. Dasher Hatfield, Equinox, Lince Dorado, Carpenter Ant, & Green Ant

7. Young Lion’s Cup: Player Uno vs. Player Dos

8. Campeonatos de Parejas: The Osirian Portal vs. Fire & Soldier Ant

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This week’s The Silence of the CHIKARMY Insider will be a special one for all those that think the popularity of yo-yos amongst preteen boys during the mid-nineties was an uproarious monument to poor judgment. Seriously, there was a time when I would trade a nice pair of shoes for the right yo-yo, the yo-yo that would sustain my reputation well into high school. We’d get in fights over yo-yos, to the point where, and I’m being totally truthful here, yo-yos were banned from our middle school. The funniest part was that none of us could actually do anything with yo-yos. They basically served the same purpose as belt buckles do in Texas; it’s just some weird status kick. The bigger and shiner, the…better human being you are? Meanwhile, the four foot tall Japanese kid that picked his nose a lot and sat at the back of the bus was getting major young tail pulling off Double Gerbils and Tidal Waves in his sleep using a wooden yo-yo he probably whittled from a bedpost or a tree. We would’ve beaten him up, but we all just assumed he knew karate. We also thought he could’ve easily killed us with a well-timed yo-yo strike, and he wouldn’t need to stop picking his nose to do it. We cheated off his math quizzes, too. He was a good person. So what does this have to do with Chikara, or Clarice Starling for that matter? The answer is nothing. Not a thing. I felt like talking about yo-yos.

First up is an update of Chikara’s upcoming October shows, with a lot of attention given to Cibernetico Increible, where the first eight competitors have already been announced. I’ll break it all down, partner match-up by partner match-up, and feed it to you like a momma bird. Then, I’ll eat you alive…because sometimes momma birds do that, too. Don’t freak out. Nature can be weird. Then, I’ll give you the news and notes that you love. It’s powerful, unwavering love, so who am I to deny you what you worship? I really need to come up with an ostentatious name for the general info. Maybe next week I’ll just call it Other Stuff, but the banner will look spectacular, like the fourth of July on hallucinogens. We’ll see. Lastly, you’re getting another week of Classic Chikara to go with your nice Chianti, this time focusing on Cibernetico and Robin, the Cibernetico event from 2007. I threw in two extra videos as well because…because I have that power. And I abuse it with upsetting regularity.

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Both Player Uno and Claudio Castagnoli have had their issues lately, causing both men act…shall we say grumpy? Claudio is still locked in a battle with Eddie Kingston over respect (or lack thereof) and Uno is convinced that, despite already losing the partner and friend Player Dos twice, he CAN beat him (more on that below). The two heavyweights will pause from their respective quarrels and take their frustrations out on each other. It’ll be “The Stalwart Swiss Skyscraper” versus the “Masked Master of the Mushroom Kingdom”.

You may have noticed that the scheduled match between Gran Akuma and Jigsaw has been changed, with STIGMA replacing the “Mysterious Mythological Warrior from Afar”. As storied as the bad blood between Akuma and Jigsaw is, the rivalry between Jig and his former partner is much more personal. Starting in 2006, Jigsaw and STIGMA, at the time known as Shane Storm, ShaneSaw collectively, would tag with their mentor, Mike Quackenbush. They feuded with Icarus and Akuma, emerging victorious in both Hair vs Mask and Mask vs Mask matches. In early 2007, they became the top trio in Chikara, tagging with Quackenbush to win that year’s King of Trios. But that year would have a bittersweet ending, as Jigsaw and Quackenbush had arguments that lead to Jigsaw’s departure from the company. In 2008, Quack and Storm would gain three points, earning a title shot. The title shot would never come, as Quack would find out that Shane Storm had betrayed him. This would lead to a feud between the two that saw Shane Storm become STIGMA and join The UnStable with Colin Delaney and leader Vin Gerard. At the end of 2008 show “Duel and Duality”, Quack’s tag partner was beaten and injured by his opponents, Colin Delaney and STIGMA, before the match began. Jigsaw would make his surprise return to team with Quackenbush, ending the feud with his former teacher. Now, for the first time in their history together, Jigsaw and STIGMA will go one-on-one.

It’s Badd news for The Future is Noww. On October 17^th in Easton, Helios and Lince Dorado will have to take on two of the tuffest men to ever walk this Earth: Brad and Chad Badd. The Badd Boyz strategy will be simple: groundd and poundd the ethnic high flyers ‘til they can’t take any more. Chad and Brad aren’t complicated guys; they simply demand yourr respect, and if they don’t get it…it’s clobberin’ time. Don’t like it? Tuff.

The first four competitors of each team has been announced. Team CHIKARMY takes on Team Firemen, with Soldier Ant and Fire Ant captaining their respective teams. By the way, I totally made up those team names. Also, Fire and Soldier may not even be captains. It’s a bit complex. Here’s a look at the first four partner versus partner match-ups, along with who might have the advantage in each confrontation.

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First up on Classic Chikara is a clip from 2007’s Cibernetico and Robin. This is a group promo by the Kings of Wrestling, one of the teams competing in the main event. The team is Larry Sweeney, Mitch Ryder, Shayne Hawke, Team F.I.S.T., Chris Hero, and Claudio Castagnoli. Notice how Claudio is not really feeling the rest of the group. This plays a major role in their main event Cibernetico match-up against the Lince Dorado-lead group, Team Mucha Lucha. “We got a time share!”

Next up is the ending to the Cibernetico and Robin event. I wouldn’t leave you without an ending. “Mitch and Hero, basking in the glow…”

To round out the Cibernetico videos, here’s a montage of the best non-Cibernetico match to appear on a Cibernetico show. Once again from Cibernetico and Robin, here’s The Olsen Twins taking on Cheech & Cloudy.

Dasher Hatfield is apparently having some trouble getting a hold of the Super Smash Brothers. STOP He is taking matters into his own hands. STOP Watch this video right now! STOP

Finally, here’s a fantastic trailer for a recent Chikara show Never Kneel at the Altar of Conformity. It’s available right now at Smart Mark Video. Enjoy the retroness of it all.

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“American Dragon” Bryan Danielson is on his way to World Wrestling Entertainment. Say it out loud, right now. It still doesn’t sound right, does it? I mean, the first two words in the company’s name fit Dragon perfectly. He is “worldly”, honing his craft on every continent habitable, fighting within the borders of every country that truly cherishes this sport. And “wrestling”? For the last five years, on the independent circuit, he has been wrestling, perhaps the only legitimate coast-to-coast draw left in the indy business. But Bryan was more than just the best in the country. That ain’t how the nickname goes. It’s brazen, borderline arrogant…and as accurate as sun is scorching. “Best in the World”. World. This was not a man who settled upon dominating one country, oh no. He would travel to Europe with PWG as its world champion, infuriate the chant-crazed, diehard German über fans in wXw, and make the fans “oh” and “ah” on his biggest stage, Pro Wrestling NOAH. And it was in NOAH that he achieved some of his greatest moments: defending the GHC Jr. Heavyweight Title, challenging for the GHC Jr. Heavyweight Tag Titles, and facing off against legends of puroresu such as Jun Akiyama, Kenta Kobashi, Yoshihiro Takayama, and Mitsuharu Misawa. Here’s a look back at Dragon’s ride within the company, tour by tour.

……………Bryan Danielson’s first tour in NOAH can only be considered a success. After his confrontations with KENTA in Ring of Honor, during a three-way involving Samoa Joe and a ROH Title match in which Danielson, despite a severely separated shoulder, came out victorious, fans in Japan took notice of Dragon and treated him with uncommon respect for a debuting wrestler, let alone a debuting gaijin. Danielson spent a majority of the tour tagging with fellow gaijins and NOAH veterans Bison Smith and Eddie Edwards. His first match in the company saw the trio take on Akitoshi Saito, Ricky Marvin, and his international rival KENTA. He would go on to tap out Marvin in the match securing the win for his team. In the opening nine bouts on his first NOAH tour, Bryan would gain a total of six victories, five of which he earned himself with his feared Cattle Mutilation submission. His tenth and final match of the tour would be against KENTA in the Yokohama Cultural Hall. NOAH, perhaps sensing fan response growing for Dragon, declared the contest a “Special 45-minute Match”. Danielson would suffer his first and only fall on the tour after getting put down by KENTA with his Go 2 Sleep maneuver.

…………...Dragon’s second tour with NOAH started similarly to the previous one; he participated in a six-man tag, once again at the Korakuen Hall, once again gaining a victory, though he did not get the fall himself. In quite an odd pairing, Bryan teamed with Joe E. Legend and future WWE Tag Champion Ted DiBiase. It was Legend who got the pinfall that night, and Danielson would go on to tag with Joe E. and Ted in much the same frequency as he did Bison and Eddie on the previous tour. This tour would prove to be an up-and-down affair for Danielson; his record of 7-10 on this excursion was much worse than the 6-4 record from his previous tour, but unlike his first one, he took no falls. Furthermore, he participated in his first main event on a NOAH show, teaming with Bison and DiBiase in a losing effort against a trio lead by puroresu legend Mitsuharu Misawa. He would go on to main event three other shows that tour, all in six-man tag matches, all losses. His final match on the tour was his debut in the revered Nippon Budokan Hall, NOAH’s largest venue. Danielson’s triumvirate lost, but because he was never pinned or submitted, he lost no favor in the eyes of the Japanese fans.

……………Only two months later, Bryan began his third NOAH tour, this time as a participant in the NTV Junior Tag League Tournament. Once again, Danielson would take no falls on the entire tour. He and his partner, Davey Richards, would compete against some of the best junior tag teams in the world: Naomichi Marufuji and Kota Ibushi, Kotaro Suzuki & Ricky Marvin, fellow Ring of Honor roster members The Briscoes, and KENTA & Taiji Ishimori. Of the five tourney matches Bryan and Davey had, they had three losses. The two non-losses were against KENTA and Ishimori, which went to a draw, and Suzuki and Marvin, the latter of which Danielson pinned with a jackknife cut-back pin, Bryan’s first pinfall victory in NOAH. This would prove crucial, and would turn out to be the loss that cost Suzuki and Marvin the tournament, won in epic fashion by KENTA and Taiji after Suzuki and Marvin failed to beat the Brisoces before the match’s time limit expired. Danielson’s last match of the tour was contested at the Budokan and saw him team with Rocky Romero and ROH rival Nigel McGuinness. Once again his squad fell, this time to the team of Takeshi Morishima, Mohammed Yone, and Go Shiozaki.

……………In late March of 2008, Dragon began what would become his longest tour for Pro Wrestling NOAH: a nineteen-match, month-long stay in Japan. His time away proved fruitful, as this was statistically Bryan’s best NOAH tour to date. Of the 19 contests Danielson competed in, he won 14 of them, getting 10 of the falls himself, including one pinfall and 8 contests in which he tapped his opponent to Cattle Mutilation. Of note was the fact that, for the first time in his NOAH career, he landed a submission win without using his signature move: against Atsushi Aoki, using a modified neck lock. Despite his impressive 14-5 record on the tour, including an 11-2 start, he did have his share of downs. For the second time Dragon would be pinned, this time tagging with Go Shiozaki against the team of KENTA and Marufuji. Marufuji picked up the win, becoming only the second man to beat Dragon in a NOAH ring. The match, lauded by the fans in attendance, has yet to see the light of day, and will probably remain so. The tour ended on an all-too-familiar note: Danielson’s partner taking the fall at the Budokan Hall, this time in a standard tag match.

…………...A couple of weeks later, Dragon would be back in NOAH, starting the expedition in fantastic fashion. First, he tapped Atsushi Aoki at the Korakuen Hall with a triangle choke, followed by a submission victory via the neck lock over BJ Whitmer the next night in Differ Ariake. But it was his third night that proved most eventful for Bryan. Once again at Differ Ariake, Bryan would see his first victory in the main event of a NOAH show. Bison Smith, along with Bryan and Akitoshi Saito, bested a team lead by Jun Akiyama with his finishing maneuver, the Bisontennial. Danielson would go on to once again take no falls and amass an 8-4-1 record, the draw being a highly-touted contest with tag partner Yoshinobu Kanemaru against KENTA & Taiji Ishimori. This would lead to a tour-ending GHC Jr. Heavyweight Tag Title shot against KENTA & Ishimori at the Coventry Skydome in the United Kingdom. Unfortunately, Bryan’s partner, Eddie Edwards, would succumb to KENTA’s Go to Sleep, once again ending a tour on a sour note.

…………...62 days later, on his sixth tour, it was once again time for the NTV Junior Tag League. With partner Davey Richards returning with Danielson, both men set out to make a much bigger splash than they had in their previous attempts to win the tournament. Facing several of the same wrestlers as the previous tournament, the duo found much more success this time around. They would not reach the finals, but they did amass a 3-2-1 tourney record, their only losses being to the young duo of Katsuhiko Nakajima and Kota Ibushi, and to the eventual tournament winners, KENTA and Taiji Ishimori. Despite getting statistically knocked out of the competition rather early on, Dragon would persevere, winning his final three NTV Cup matches, his last five matches overall and, with the help of Davey Richards, finally netted his first win at the Budokan. Davey got the pinfall victory over Kento Miyahara as Danielson held Kento’s partner Naomichi Marufuji at bay. Bryan would finally depart a tour with a win, but that would not be the story upon his NOAH return. Less than a week later, after a hellacious title match with Yoshinobu Kanemaru at Ring of Honor’s Tokyo Summit event, Bryan Danielson won GHC Jr. Heavyweight champion.

…………...Danielson’s first defense of the GHC Jr. Title came at Ring of Honor’s Glory by Honor VII event against the man that pinned Davey Richards and accounted for one of Dragon’s two tournament loses during the second NTV Junior Tag League: Katsuhiko Nakajima. Dragon was victorious, earning the right to enter his next tour with NOAH as one of its champions. This was another tour that had its share of ups and downs. Unfortunately for Danielson, the first challenger for his GHC Jr. Heavyweight Title was a man that knew him all too well: KENTA, still the only man at that time who had bested Dragon in a singles match in NOAH. A Go 2 Sleep later and Danielson was now a former champion and 0-2 against his rival. Shockingly, this would also be the first time that Danielson took more than one fall on a tour; Bison Smith, the man that tagged with Danielson so frequently when he started out in NOAH, pinned him in a six-man tag using the Bisontennial. Things picked up directly afterwards; Dragon would main event the next two shows, teaming with Nigel McGuinness and Doug Williams. For the first time, Dragon picked up the fall in both main events, tapping Atsushi Aoki and Ricky Marvin using Cattle Mutilation. Once again, his tour ended with a loss at the Budokan Hall. It would be almost nine months before Danielson would return to tour with Pro Wrestling NOAH. Unbeknownst to fans at the time, it would also be his last.

…………...Bryan Danielson’s final ride in NOAH was, fittingly, his third attempt to win the NTV Cup. This time, his partner would be Roderick Strong. He started the tour with a six-man tag in his final appearance at the Korakuen Hall. New partner Strong picked up the win for partners Dragon and Akitoshi Saito. Once the tournament began, Dragon and Roderick won their first match-up against the bizarre tandem of Genba Hirayanagi and Kikutaro. Unfortunately, that would be their only win of the tournament. The other two tourney matches, against the teams of Kota Ibushi and Atsushi Aoki and, of course, KENTA & Taiji Ishimori, were hard-fought loses, the KENTA & Ishimori match actually main eventing a show in Akita. Dragon, who had taken his team’s fall the night before to Takeshi Rikioh, took the fall in his tag match against KENTA as well, the first time he took falls on back-to-back shows. His last match in NOAH was a victory over a trio lead by Tsuyoshi Kikuchi; he did not pick up the fall. (Roderick did, using a powerbreaker.)

There’s a scene in the film Good Will Hunting where Ben Affleck’s character Chuckie explains to Matt Damon’s character Will, the mathematical genius, why he can’t work construction for the rest of his life like Chuckie and his friends. “It’d be an insult to us if you’re still here in 20 years,” Chuckie declares, “Hangin’ around here is a…waste of your time.” This has been a long understood truth about Bryan Danielson since…hell, since the first time he faced KENTA one-on-one in New York City. You just knew that if he somehow, someway didn’t move higher in this business, it’d be an absolute tragedy. In the film, Chuckie would go on to express his desire to show up at Will’s door one day, like every day, and instead of coming out the front door…Will would be gone, having moved on to bigger and better things. That’s what it felt like when I first read that Dragon had signed; it was a bittersweet sense of pride. We, the independent faithful, had the privilege of watching a budding legend long past gratuity. He never got the chance to get a pinfall or submission in the Nippon Budokan Hall. He never beat KENTA in a Pro Wrestling NOAH ring. And, if there is any justice in the world, he never will. The “American Dragon” has ascended. The sky’s the limit.

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Welcome to CHIKARMY Insider vs Belfort, brought to you by Tequila Cazadores. Tequila Cazadores: our tequila is made out of the tears of children whose fathers died in drunk driving accidents. Feel like having some now, right? DO YOU!? STRAIGHT EDGE. Ha! Just kidding. I heart tequila. Man, it must take a lot of energy to be CM Punk on a daily basis. I’d need more prescription drugs than Rite Aid carries to function. This week, you get a DVD review of “Behind the 8-Ball”, followed by an all-new episode of Top of the Heap starring Joseph Bologna and Matt LeBlanc. Then, UltraMantis Black decides it’s a good idea to provoke a mystical order of ninjas. I’m sure that will pay off. Then, it’s on to Classic Chikara. I got that part covered. Remember to drink your Tequila Cazadores before each meal in order to achieve maximum numbness throughout the day. Science!

Chikara DVD Review:

Behind the 8 Ball

The first post-King of Trios show, Behind the 8 Ball, was significant for several reasons. F.I.S.T., the 2009 King of Trios, continued their feud with The Colony, who lost both entry into King of Trios and their brother Worker Ant to the nefarious group. For the first time since “The Artistic Pursuit of Being Yourself” on September 20^th of the previous year, former friends and tag partners Jimmy “Equinox” Olsen and Colin Delaney went one on one. Finally, in the main event, Mike Quackenbush & Jigsaw got their first shot at the Campeonatos de Parejas against the Osirian Portal.

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GREATNESS - The DVD Menu

This is just awesome. It’s one of those unannounced, unexpected things that Chikara is known for. I could recommend this DVD for the Menu video alone. Poor Crossbones…

1. Entrance Theme Medley - *****

This is my favorite of all Louden’s songs. He worked really hard to get over every single portion of the song. The stuff about F.I.S.T. was inspired. Again, here’s more awesome non-wrestling stuff that Chikara gets right.

PROMO - Jagged and Shane Matthews

I like Jagged a little more than Shane on the shtick, but both guys are very good when given time to talk. Of course, even when they’re not given time…they’ll just take it.

2. 2.0 vs. Incoherence - **3/4

This was solid action from both teams, especially Hallowicked. He hit a great Yakuza kick to the side of Shane’s face while Matthews was holding a Boston Crab on Frightmare. Speaking of which, is there any move more over in 2.0 than Shane’s Crab hold? The fans always pop big for it. Nice ending, too, setting up the next night’s encounter.

PROMO - Nevaeh

Ugh. Could this have been any less purposeful? No? Thanks a lot Nevaeh.

3. Nevaeh vs. Shark Girl - *

Can we get Daffney to wrestle as Daffney or are her chest cannons too PG-13 for Chikara? Either way, this was a waste of time. Sorry girls.

4. Escorpion Egipcio vs. Helios - ***

Wow, I was pleasantly surprised by this. I have absolutely nothing but bad things to say about Escorpion usually, but Helios is great and they actually had a nice match together. Helios has the best 630 Splash in the business in my opinion. Sorry Jackie Boy.

5. Uno, Hydra, Gerard & Hawke vs. Dos, Lee, Donst & STIGMA - ***1/4

I don’t know what to make of this match. All sorts of craziness happened in it, and some of it was really good. The STIGMA/Gerard stuff was funny, Hawke versus Donst was great, and Uno versus Dos should have given us an indication of what was to come later in the year. But there also seemed to be a lot of confusion as well. Still, lots of shenanigans here, so I dug it.

6. Shadow Phoenix vs. Gran Akuma - ***1/4

It was a little sloppy at times, but both guys really went at each other and I liked it a ton. Akuma can be very hit-and-miss with me, but he was on point here. His Spider Suplex into a Moonsault is quickly becoming one of my favorite spots in wrestling because he hits his moonsault right on target every time. Shadow Phoenix, while a little predictable, looked strong. Good match.

PROMO - Chuck Taylor and Icarus

I couldn’t kayfabe hate anyone more than I kayfabe hate Icarus. Good promo by both guys.

7. Grudge Match - F.I.S.T. (Icarus/Taylor) vs. The Colony - ***1/2

Man did they bring the hate. Some of Fire Ant’s kicks to Taylor looked absolutely devastating. I loved the finish, too. The Cross Crab is going to be on a Cattle Mutilation level of overness if they stick to pushing it this way. This was all a lead-in for the next phase of the feud, but it was still awesome by itself.

POSTMATCH - Chikarason Lays Down the Law

This was a very effective segment, and the crowd really loved it. The whole feud’s been very good throughout.

PROMO - Colin Delaney

A solid promo, but that’s not Colin’s forte. He’s a good talker, but in a group and/or in the ring.

8. Young Lions Cup – Equinox vs. Colin Delaney - ***1/4

The stuff where Delaney was getting in his former partner’s head at the beginning was done very well, but I didn’t feel like they did a ton during the match to pay it off. If anything, it seemed to backfire on Delaney…which kinda makes sense, but not in a way that makes Colin a credible challenger. Still, these guys have fantastic chemistry. I didn’t like the finish, though. Again, are we supposed to by this guy as the Young Lions Cup champion when he goes down to one punch? This match really just pantsed Colin, but they both worked well together and I enjoyed it.

9. Campeonatos de Parejas – The Osirian Portal vs. Mike Quackenbush & Jigsaw - ****

Man this was fun. Quack has come up with some of the best spots ever. Case in point: Amasis does the Hammer Dance on the apron with Mike on the outside. Quackenbush responds with, “STOP! Hammertime!” and trips him up, sending him crashing to the floor. He also hit the nastiest palm strike I’ve ever seen on “The Phunky Faraoh”. The communication between Jig and Quack also added a lot of credibility to supposed “spontaneous” tag maneuvers. I wish more teams would do that. Quack and Jigsaw weren’t alone in their; The Portal held their own very well. They are both so young, yet they already work heel better than most guys on the indy scene…and they’re only going to get better. I don’t like Amasis kicking out of the QD4, but Quacks always devalues his moves in putting over his students, so I guess it’s fine. Great stuff overall from all four guys, and must-see in my opinion.

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In my interview with him, Grizzly Redwood stated that he didn’t care who he and his partner faced for the Campeonatos because “no matter who is in front of us, Brodie will run em’ over and I’ll chop em’ to bits.” Well, the Roughnecks have to be in top form when they face the brand-spanking new champs, Fire Ant and Soldier Ant, in the main event of the October 17^th show. But don’t take my word for it; the ‘Necks have already put out some comments regarding their championship match here. Easton is in for a war!

Gran Akuma versus Jigsaw. These two gentlemen have a long and storied history with one another. Both graduated as students of the second class from the Chikara Wrestle Factory. They took very different paths; Jigsaw would go on to regularly team with Rorschach for a number of years while Akuma started as a lone wolf before defeating Mitch Ryder and joining Icarus in creating F.I.S.T. Their paths would cross in a major way during 2006, as Jigsaw and his partner Shane Storm feuded with Icarus and Akuma, resulting in Icarus losing his hair and Akuma losing his trademark mask. This year saw their rivalry grow again, as Akuma turned on Jigsaw and his trainer Mike Quackenbush, siding with YAMATO at DGUSA’s debut show. Akuma holds several victories over Jigsaw this year by way of his devastating new finisher, The Rubix Cube. They have battled again and again, but this is their first singles competition against one another in Chikara, and you better believe they’re going to bring the hate.

This year’s theme for Cibernetico is “partner versus partner”, hence the super cool avatar above. I mean, who doesn’t love Cable and Deadpool?! No participants announced so far. Sad face.

Eddie Kingston, probably still pissed off after losing to Claudio by count-out and The Order of the Neo Solar Temple due to his partners pinfall, will take it out on someone named Ryuichi Kawakami. He is apparently a BJW rookie, trained be Stretch Armstr…I mean Daisuke Sekimoto. I know nothing about him, other than he will be very sore on Monday after facing “The King of Diamonds”. Here’s a video highlighting Mr. Kawakami. Heh heh…he’s beating up 2.0…that’s always funny.

So this is what Daizee Haze and Sara Del Rey’s blog posts (HERE and HERE, respectively) lead to? THIS!? I was hoping they’d team up, try to get three points, and challenge for the Colony’s title belts. Well, they are instead tagging against one another. The Haze’s partner is Atsuko Emoto, who you can get a feel for in this video. As for Sara’s partner, El Malcriada…she faced and lost to Allison Danger at King of Trios 2007 in her only Chikara appearance. That’s all I got. Here’s a video of her facing someone named Baby A. Here’s a video of Haze vs Del Rey. Here’s a video of a monkey riding a dog at a rodeo. MWA-HA-HA! CHIKARA!

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Welcome to CHIKARMY Insider Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacka Highlander Elessar-Jankov. We’re big in Norway. First up are the results of Chikara’s two-night return to New England courtesy of ChikaraFans. There were some big changes to the cards, but both shows have gotten good reviews, especially all of the insanity that went down on Sunday. Next up is the first entry into what should become an ongoing series (unless everyone hates it, which is very possible) the appropriately anointed Horrible Gimmicks Run Amok~! Finally, we’ll take a look at the next shows coming up for Chikara, along with news and more shenanigans if I can fit them in. I’m going to go hike the Galdhopiggen Mountain, maybe listen to this rad Spelemannslag I found out about. Adjø!

“Man Makes Plans, and God Laughs” - Sept. 12th, 2009 – Results!

Preshow Notes: A nice venue here in West Springfield, with a beautiful disco ball above the ring. It’s small, but looks quite packed despite the small attendance of about 60-70. Louden has now asked fans to keep their phones on vibrate, quite odd.

1. Brendan Michael Thomas vs. Frightmare: Really fun and fast paced opener. Frightmare wins quickly in 3:14. Nothing to really write home about, fine for what it was but it wasn’t much.

2. Green Ant & Fire Ant vs. Brad Badd & Chad Badd: Chad and Brad’s big debut is refereed by Todd Sinclair, who is complete with his own CHIKARA shirt. The Badds come out strong and put the boots to the Colony. Green Ant ducked a clothesline and came back with a chop on Brad/Chad, but was stiffed hard with a clothesline by the other. He continued to get the beatdown until ducking out for the hot lucha tag to Fire Ant. The Badds put down Green Ant with their own version of the Demolition Decapitation. Fun match, though honestly, family-friendly Badds are nowhere near as fun.

3. Steve “The Turtle” Weiner vs. Grizzly Redwood: New England’s own Holyoke Joe is our ref. Turtle is wearing gear of a true pro wrestler, similar to a Gorilla Monsoon. Grizzly Redwood kicked Turtle down low in 1:51 to get DQ’d for a foul.

4. Dasher Hatfield vs. Colin Delaney: Dasher with a blue (possibly away?) jersey! Fun times, he’s over like a champ. A REALLY fun match, back and forth with a ton of near falls. Dasher was doing the gimmick stuff early, but came strong at the end, reversing the Attitude Adjuster with a Grand Slam for a win. Dasher Hatfield wins in 10:24, and the crowd rejoices!

5. Player Uno & Player Dos vs. UltraMantis Black & Delirious: Uno looking in even better shape than when I last saw him! The fans even paid him compliments in bunches. Uno and Delirious start off and both guys looked incredible…everyone’s on top of their game in this match, actually. The Order are ultra-rudo tonight, keeping the action on the ground as much as possible and cutting corners with back rakes and choking galore. The Smash Bros were about to hit a double team, but Mantis worked his way out of it before Mantis put Uno away with the Praying Mantis Bomb. Really awesome match, neck and neck with Dasher and Colin for the best so far. After the match, Dos seemed a bit peeved but it was nothing too serious.

6. Hydra vs. Tim Donst: The two brawled on the outside for a while, until Donst got him in the ring. Once the bell rang, Donst put Hydra in a submission for the win in 0:16. Kinda dumb.

7. Mike Quackenbush, Lince Dorado & Jimmy “Equinox” Olsen vs. Vin Gerard, STIGMA & X: Gerard smacked the piss out of the Greengo puppet, bringing smiles to my face. Mystery partner is…Angelina Love? Not in the country. “Duke of Dorchester”? Not here. Daizee Haze? Well, she’s here, and the UnStable have left. After taking a minute to be convinced to stay, the match is on. Quack with two dives on Vin and STIGMA, until Daizee kicks him in the gut to get the upper hand on him. Fun trios action all around here. Quack SMACKED THE LIVING HELL out of Daizee with a palm strike; what a woman beater. Daizee dropped Lince RIGHT on his head. Vin tapped out Equinox with the STF in 11:54. Jimmy’s ankle looks in seriously bad shape after the match; had to be carried to the back by his teammates.

8. The Osirian Portal vs. Icarus & Chuck Taylor: Chuck Taylor’s hair is back to normal and no longer leaking green. Ophidian asks to start the match off, looking to get some of that rust off before tomorrow’s big match against The Colony. However, Ophidian didn’t need it in the least, looking like he hadn’t spent a day out of the ring in the opening sequence. Fun stuff throughout! Icarus gets the surprise pin on Ophidian in 15:01 after a Chuck Taylor sole food targeted towards Ophidian’s arm.

9. Hallowicked vs. Claudio Castagnoli: Nothing out of the ordinary for these two – which is to say, this is probably one of the better technical matches in CHIKARA in a while, but nothing you wouldn’t expect from these two. Just a really fun singles exhibition. A grueling 20:47 sees Claudio get the win after a bit of an odd ending. Claudio went for the Ricola Bomb, Wicked tried to flip it with a ‘rana, they kinda fell under each other’s weight and Claudio landed on top for three seconds.

“Hiding in Plain Sight” - Sept. 13th, 2009 – Results!

Preshow: It’s a nice little basketball gym here packed with an attendance of around 225…well, nice until you want to do anything. A sweatbox with no accessible vending machines and no cell phone reception.

1. F.I.S.T (Icarus/Taylor) vs. Incoherence: Chuck donning a Frightmare replica mask stolen from a fan before the match. However he’s clearly not a fan of the lil’ monster, jaw jacking at him while Icarus and Wicked did battle early. Incoherence with some really fun and athletic bits early on. Frightmare goes nutty on Chuck Taylor and then plays up with the crowd maybe a bit too much, getting himself to an 11 count before Wicked picked him up and put him back in the ring. In a REALLY fun and hot opener, Wicked pins Icarus with a Graveyard Smash in 10:51 to put a point on the board for Incoherence. Great match!

2. Ariel vs. Sara del Rey: Sara is in AMAZING shape, probably the best that I’ve seen her in. Incredible. A lot of love shown all around as both women give hugs to ref John Barber, then to each other. How sweet. Actually a really good match, Sara shows why she’s easily the best woman they’ve got. She even found time to fix John Barber’s pant leg at the request of fans that were quote annoyed by his pant leg being pulled up awkwardly. Sara wins in 9:46 with the royal butterfly suplex. Really good!

Lobsterman Costa tribute. Chikarason, Hydra and Steve the Turtle Weiner award Lobsterman with the Champions of Charity award. Costa gives a really heartfelt speech, very nice sentiment…until 2.0 comes out to break up the party. Jagged claims he’s done his charity to get a plaque by throwing change at bums. Donst comes out and jumps Hydra, then 2.0 jumps Lobsterman and steal his plaque. Chikarason declares that Donst’s match with Vökoder is cancelled and that Donst is suspended for the rest of the season (60 days).

3. UltraMantis Black & Delirious [Order of the Neo-Solar Temple] vs. Eddie Kingston & Grizzly Redwood [Roughnecks]: Delirious takes out Grizzly early; Mantis lures King into the ring and the fans pop for the potential, but Delirious attacked Eddie from behind. After taking out Delirious, Eddie and Mantis hit the lucha as Kingston gets him some armdrags, dropdowns, leapfrogs and dropkicks aplenty. Delirious and Grizz then in, tons of beard-centric attacks from both guys. King and Mantis back at it with chops and strikes all over the place. Temple break every rule in the book to keep the boots on Kingston before he hulks up and throws some suplexes and Yakuzas galore…then Kingston hits a big time tope on both guys! With that lucha tag Grizzly gets in and tries to go toe to toe with Delirious while Mantis and King brutalize each other. Delirious hits the Praying Mantis Bomb on Grizz in 10:37 for the Order’s second point. Really good match yet again! After the match, Grizzly blames Kingston for not being there for him.

4. Mike Quackenbush & Jigsaw vs. Claudio Castagnoli & Bryan Danielson: Jig and Claudio start it off; Jig gets the upper hand, Danielson tags in, but Jig says that he thinks that Quack might wanna wrestle him. Some great mat wrestling between the two masters. Team Uppercut target both Quack’s back and Jig’s knee; clearly they read the sheets. Claudio with a knee wrenching one legged giant swing on Jig. This match, especially with all the work on his knee, is a real reminder on how great Danielson is. Claudio taking a page out of Bull Nakano’s playbook with some of the stretches here, ridiculous stuff. Quack had enough of the abuse on Jig and rushed the ring, slapping Danielson straight in the face, which led to Quack lighting him up with palm strikes. In 21:47, Quack catches Danielson with a flash pin to get the win in a great match. Easily the best of the weekend so far; Danielson and Jig’s sequences were above and beyond anything else in this match. “Thank you Bryan” chants ring him out. Danielson puts over the crowd, his partner, opponents. Says he hasn’t been the Best in the World for about a year now. Puts over various talent he’s worked with in the past on the same card. Challenges every indy worker to be the best in the world. Really cool speech, leaves by putting over his “incredibly heterosexual t-shirts at the merch table”.

5. The UnStable and 2.0 vs. Dasher Hatfield, Lince Dorado, Carpenter Ant, Green Ant & X: Jimmy is out due to last night’s ankle injury. Jimmy’s replacement is…Matt Classic? Not here. Scott Goldman? Nope. Colt Cabunny? He’s not here. Colt Cabana? HE’S HERE! Classic Colt is the replacement partner, to a huge ovation. Colony doing work on Jagged to start it off, followed by some Lince and Gerard stuff. Finally, a battle of the future endeavored as Colin and Cabana square off. A ton of Cabana comedy with these two, good times. This match is 100% CHIKARA – fun comedy, great high-speed action, and oh my god Louden doing baseball commentary and there is a full blown baseball game going on in the ring! Dasher’s at third, Cabana at bat. Gerard pitching with STIGMA at catcher in the bottom of the ninth. First pitch…ball. Second pitch…strike. Count is 1-1. Crowd starts a “We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher” chant. Pitch three…it’s a long fly ball deep to right! The technico squad all run the bases with dropkicks on Colin at home! CABANA’S SAFE AT HOME! Shane Matthews objects and dumps water on umpire Bryce Remsburg…the ump ejects him! Bench clearing brawl ensues! Dasher with a baseball slide and the technicos all make dives! Shane Matthews threatens to dive as everyone’s laid out, and LOBSTERMAN’S OUT FOR REVENGE! Hits Matthews with a brass knuck loaded lobster claw. Lince gets a moonsault in 16:17 after all this madness for the win. Absolutely amazing!

6. Young Lions Cup ~ V1: Player Dos© vs. Player Uno: Crowd is hot and split right down the middle for this one. A true battle of power vs. speed; Uno hitting big moves like a beast while Dos is doing all the big dives. They definitely brought out the competitive fire in each other with hard strikes and huge moves from both guys. UNO takes to the skies with a huge moonsault for 2.9. Amazing match, Dos wins in an unknown time with a Spanish fly.

7. CHIKARA Campeonatos de Parejas ~ V4: The Osirian Portal© vs. Fire Ant & Soldier Ant:

Primera Caida: Very basic stuff early, Colony lit up Amasis with chops. The Portal really looked exceptional early on, fluid as all hell with everything they do. Portal puts the boots down on Soldier Ant until he gets the tag to Fire, who nearly gets the same treatment but fights out safely. Twin dives by The Colony, Soldier Ant KILLING a chair in the process. Soldier Ant hits a TKO on Amasis in 13:25 to go up 1-0. Ophidian is incredibly angry.

Segunda Caida: Ophidian rushes Soldier for the death grip but they both fall out of the ring. Fire and Amasis brawl all over in the meantime. Nearly a double countout as all four guys run around the outside killing one another. Crazy stuff here, awesome match with the crowd firmly behind the Colony. Ophidian may have hurt his arm again, no good. Amasis goes for the 450 and misses, Soldier Ant puts him in the Special but Ophidian helps him escape. Roundhouse head kicks between Ophidian and Fire. Fire Ant with the Beach Break for two. Armbar on Ophidian! He taps! The Colony win the Campeonatos de Parejas in two straight falls! Final time of 24:35. Incredible match! After the match, the Portal handed over the belts, admitting defeat.

OK, so this first creation is…not my most inspired work. I’m not sure why I lead with my strangest creation, but I did. Maybe I just want to make sure everyone understands just exactly how unusual I can be, so there will be no surprises in that regard. The artwork is done by Bailey Sharp, an up-and-coming artist who will take the world by storm, so long as the rest of us don’t blow it up before she gets the chance. Please visit her recently-created blog Red Fed Head to see what she’s up to. And now, without further rambling, I present to you my first horrible gimmick: “The Spirit of the West” Noisy Farts, half-man, half-tumbleweed!

The unfortunately named Noisy Farts, a family appellation taken from his great grandfather, Noisington Farts, was born in Loveland, Oklahoma, a town of 16 people. The son of a plumber and a school teacher, Noisy went out of county to Grandfield Elementary School, and later, Grandfield High School. For obvious reasons, he was picked on mercilessly in middle school, and it only got worse in high school. Kids would throw their lunch at him, spit on him…they would even fart on him, shouting “Now that’s a noisy fart!”. This was particularly sad since Noisy was not a very gassy individual. When he finally stood up for himself, he was soundly beaten by a six-foot tall ninth grader named Latch. After the altercation, Noisy begged his parents for self-defense classes, which they refused. His mother offered an alternative however: gymnastics. As a former gymnast herself, she felt this was a fantastic opportunity to live vicariously through her son.

After two months of closed-door practice, Noisy’s mother finally got the chance to see her son fulfill her own dreams. Much to her dismay, he did not appear to be with the team during their exhibition. Afterwards, she accosted the coach, wanting an explanation. She was told that Noisy didn’t take to gymnastics very well, but he turned out to be an excellent tumbler. “He has the most fluid rolls of any human being I’ve ever seen”, the coach remarked, “but he mostly just rolls a lot and watches wrestling in the corner.” Noisy’s mother, confused and bitter once again, took her son out of the class the next day.

Though he had no future in gymnastics, Noisy realized his coach was right: he was a natural tumbler. He used this new-found skill at school to defend himself again his many bullies. He learned how to roll his way out of any punch, kick, or pizza tossed his way. One particularly notable fight came against his mortal enemy Latch, now a 6’ 3” sophomore. Latch chased Noisy outside, where the youngster showed off his first-rate front rolls. As he began to do this, the dry roots of plants began to accumulate on his rather economical clothing. When Latch finally caught up with Noisy and delivered a hurricane punch to gut, it was Latch who got the worst of the exchange, hand throbbing from the spiny ends of the shrubbery. He became a cult hero in the school for defeating Latch, meaning that he still wasn’t very popular. People stopped throwing food at him, though.

After he graduated high school, Noisy joined a local wrestling academy, where he had limited success. He found that his equilibrium was easily lost when he tried to run the ropes or even walk inside the ring. After weeks of frustration, he decided to start rolling again. Now that he had mastered moving around the ring, he found himself as one of the top talents at the school. He was still plagued by the insults and barbs of fellow students, a fact that made it hard for him to keep focus. Instead of recoiling, he decided to embrace what he did best. Before every match, he would roll in the tumbleweeds around the gym, even covering his face with a well-sculpted one that he made himself. Once he made the tumbleweed his identity, he felt no fear in the ring, and now…the Oklahoma sky’s the limit!

THIS IS NOT NEWS…OK IT IS.

- Remember, Chikara has two shows in October: “An Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World” Saturday, October 17th in Easton & “Cibernetico Increible” Sunday, October 18th in Philadelphia. Jigsaw vs. Gran Akuma has been announced for Saturday’s show, but both are still recovering from injuries, so I’ll wait to flesh out that long and storied rivalry until I’m sure the match will remain.

- I did an interview with Grizzly Redwood a while back, and just in case you missed it, you can read it HERE. He talks about fake wood, beard grooming, Bryan Danielson, and his own sandwich. READ IT!

- The Chikara Store will be stocking Dasher Hatfield replica masks very soon. Be excited.

- Next week’s column will feature a DVD review of Behind the 8-Ball, October show news, and Classic Chikara. How are you still not excited?! Fine, whatever. Enjoy your week…jerk.

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I am the first one to admit that I am fairly green when it comes to writing about professional wrestling. Wrestling has been a passion of mine for as long as I can remember. The same can be said for writing, so I’m not sure why it took me this long to combine the two. Sometimes that enthusiasm can become detrimental, like when I’m trying to maintain a relationship, keep grades up in school, or when interviewing a wrestler for the first time. You see, the excitement overrides better judgment, and I end up making assumptions. I assumed my interviewee was, like Max Moon or Doink the Clown, a creation of some kind. Well, I was soundly put in my place by this man, who set the record straight on a number of topics. He does not respond well to shallow, Russo-like usage of locker room lingo, assumptions made about his origins, or fake wood. He is above this petty banter. He is currently in line for a shot at Chikara’s tag titles and is unbeaten this year in singles matches. He is, unquestionably, manlier than anyone reading this. Statistics show that, upon wearing flannel during his matches, said shirts become nearly impossible to supply in stores due to fervent demand. Chuck Norris fears his beard. He is GRIZZLY REDWOOD.

1. What are your first memories of wrestling and when did you realize it was something you wanted to pursue further?

My very first memory was seeing my friends outside playing with some crazy toys in a ring. From there it was history. I always thought it would be something fun to do but, didn’t come to fully pursue it until I was fifteen or sixteen.

2. Who did you train under at the Ring of Honor Wrestling Academy and how was that experience?

I trained under then head trainer Austin Aries. It was an experience I wouldn’t trade for the world. Austin Aries gave me (and Rhett Titus) a great foundation on which to build and hone our craft.(wrestling not tree chopping) Training under Aries at the ROH school to this day supplies me with a wealth of insight and knowledge from one of the best minds in the business today. It was a great time.

3. How did the “Grizzly Redwood” character come about? Did you choose the beard, or did the beard choose you?

First off this beard is an enduring symbol of the pride and grit of the lumberjacks. Second, I’m not a “character”, this isn’t the USA Network! Times were tuff and I needed a change of scenery. Rhett Titus pointed me to the Yukon after several other attempts to find my place in life. I stumbled upon a lumber camp and the rest………is written in my “BLOG” at Grizzly Redwood on myspace.com.

4. How did you first get involved with Chikara?

On my debut show I was supposed to just be in for a battle royal. I was a body just to make the event seem that much more spectacular I guess. What Chikara didn’t plan on was the impact Grizzly Redwood was about to make. Choppin’ my way to the big “W” in Easton, PA.

5. How did The Roughnecks idea come about in Chikara?

Simple really. On my debut I proved that I was a fan of hurting people. The big man himself Brodie Lee needed a hand choppin’ that freak duo of Frightmare and Hallowicked down to size. I was just the man to do it. Add the last of a dying breed Eddie Kingston to the mix, and you have the baddest Trio Chikara has ever seen.

6. You currently work heel in Chikara and face in Ring of Honor. Do you have a preference?

Excuse me? I “work” what? Look bud, I wrestle. In ROH I may be in a little better mood than elsewhere. Is that a problem for you? The truth is it’s a lot easier for me to kick people’s teeth in here in Chikara, and I love kickin’ teeth in.

7. At “Never Kneel at the Altar of Conformity”, a fan made a tremendous monument to you, and you smashed it to pieces in front of their eyes. Do you ever find it hard to stay in that chip-on-your-shoulder, heel mentality?

Again with these made up words. Look that sign very much took my breath away. To see such a majestic, hardy piece of wood engraved with my name was a sight to see. But you know what? It wasn’t even wood!!!!!! IT WAS FAKE!!! I HATE FAKE WOOD!!!!

8. At Night One of King of Trios 2009, you received a one-hundred second Giant Swing courtesy of Team Uppercut member Claudio Castagnoli. What were the lingering effects, if any, of this deadly maneuver?

It was about as fun as a long walk through a muddy forest. As for lingering effects, yeah it took about a month for me to get my balance back.

9. On the topic of Team Uppercut and me being the king of segues, how do you think Bryan Danielson will fair in the WWE? Do you think their policy on the size of their athletes will hinder him at all?

I don’t know much about whatever policy they have in the WWE but, Bryan is an exceptional talent. No matter what company Bryan is with he’s a star. I’m sure he’ll do just fine.

10. You and Brodie Lee have a shot at the Campeonatos de Parejas coming up in the near future. Out of the three teams that could be holding the straps when your turn comes, The Colony, F.I.S.T., and the Osirian Portal, who would you like face and why?

It just doesn’t matter. There’s not a team in all of Chikara that can hang with the two of us. We’re the hardest hitting team in Pro wrestling, no matter who is in front of us Brodie will run em’ over and I’ll chop em’ to bits.

11. In addition to earning a tag title shot, you are undefeated in Chikara singles contests this year. How does it feel to currently be Chikara’s most dominant wrestler?

Hahaha! It feels better than fresh split wood. With Steve the Turtle coming up I don’t think I’ll be losing any time soon.

12. Have you mastered the double axe-handle, or do you feel you have more to learn?

I’m the best axe handler in wrestling. As far as lumberjacking goes….I could use a little work I guess.

13. You wrestle barefoot a lot now. How hard was it to adjust to being in the ring without boots?

Not half as hard as adjusting to being in the woods with no boots. Being bootless in the ring gets more and more comfortable every day.

14. What do you “mark” for in wrestling nowadays?

“Mark”? What? OOOOkay guy keep making up words why don’t ya.

15. What dream opponents, in Chikara and elsewhere, would like to take on?

I would love to take on The Big Show. That slow Galoof wouldn’t stand a chance against me axe choppin’ arms. It would be the biggest timber I ever toppled.

16. You are, quite frankly, jacked. How do you stay so ripped? My method of Volcano Tacos and sleeping a lot hasn’t worked so far.

No that wouldn’t work now would it? I have a fairly steady diet of Flapjacks and Chicken with rice. There’s not a moment in the day that I’m not running around doing something active.

17. You also have fantastic face fur, a man-beard of legends. I have a beard as well, though not nearly the length of yours. Some general tips about growing and maintaining a magnificent mug mane would be helpful.

I put some time into it. I comb it out twice a day with a wooden comb I made. On top of that I condition it with sap from only the finest of Dutch River Trees.

18. How long can food be on the ground and you can still reasonably consume it? What’s your personal food-second rule?

I don’t eat any food that’s been on the ground that’s not at my house. In that case ten seconds is the limit.

19. A guy punches you in the face on the street, unwarranted. Do you kick his teeth in or do coolers head prevail?

If you refer to one of my other answers, I love kicking teeth in.

20. A name like Grizzly Redwood deserves a sandwich named after him. You’re at a Subway restaurant. What would be in “The Grizzly Redwood”?

Mmmmmm….Subway. Well: two oven-roasted chicken breast, American cheese, spinach, banana peppers, salt, pepper, oregano and flapjacks.

Before you ask: yes, I actually ate the sandwich. I had a crazy stomach ache before I took the first bite, but I ate it all the same. That’s my commitment to frivolocity, which is a word I just invented that means anything pointless or crazy done very quickly so that you don’t have time for common sense to kick in. So I ate the damn sandwich. I gotta admit though, it was pretty good. The flapjacks, courtesy of IHOP, actually did bring something to the table. Thanks again to the Grizz for answering all my questions. Go see him wrestle for Chikara Pro this Saturday in Massachusetts against Steve Weiner and again Sunday in New Hampshire, where he’ll tag with Eddie Kingston against Delirious and UltraMantis Black, The Order of the Neo Solar Temple! Now, go forth and demand a “Grizzly Redwood” at your local Subway!

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Welcome to CHIKARMY Insider and Sensibility, two things that don’t exactly go together smoothly. Lamb and tuna fish they are not. I was going to use another Jane Austen suffix to the column name, but I didn’t like the idea of the word prejudice in the title. Also, you know how you know you’ve made your mark on the world with your writing? When the last name of one of your characters is universally associated with being, like the character, an unwavering prick. I have been accused of being a “Darcy” in the past, but I disagreed vehemently. Still do. This week, you get the King of Trios: Night 3 DVD Review, news about next week’s Chikara shows in the north-east, and some Classic Chikara moments for your viewing pleasure.

Chikara DVD Review:

King of Trios: Night 3

On the final night of King of Trios 2009, the four remaining teams battled over who would be called the greatest triumvirate on the globe. The first semifinal match featured the dominant Team Uppercut taking on The UnStable. The second match featured massive rudo team F.I.S.T. facing the high-flying team The Future is Now. The winners of each match would face each other in the Main Event Finals. Also on Night 3: the finals of the 2009 Rey de Voladores, featuring Player Dos as a massive underdog against the exhilarating Kota Ibushi.

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PROMO - The UnStable

This was just kind of there. Wasn’t funny or interesting. It perfectly fit the UnStable: I don’t hate them, but I wouldn’t miss them if they magically disappeared.

1. The UnStable vs Team Uppercut - ***3/4

Great match that told a simple story: The UnStable suck, Uppercut doesn’t, and the weaselly rudos will do anything to get a win. Some of the early near-falls were fantastic and everyone did a great job. Cool seeing Dave hit his finisher, the dreaded float-over, bridging double underhook suplex!

2. F.I.S.T. vs The Future Is Now - ****1/4

This was my favorite match of the entire weekend. Seriously. You know when the fans get behind TFIN, even for a few minutes, something must be going right. Lince had to have broken a few ribs on his dive to the outside. His backflip uranage was good, but the 630 Senton Helios followed it with was even better. Great finish, too. Some people will argue that I’ve overrated this, but everyone played their roles to perfection, hit some innovative spots, and got TONS of heat. I’m also a sucker for a good heat segment (see: Finals).

3. El Generico vs Arik Cannon - ***1/4

Good back and forth action from these two. I’m not a huge “Anarchist” fan and he didn’t really do anything here to change my opinion. His punches are the only thing he adds to a match, but Generico trying (and failing) to brawl back was so cool. Hot finish, though the Glimmering Warlock is pretty stupid. It should be called “Fat Black Magic”. I think I’m being too hard on the guy. He really is a good grappler. I must be prejudicial for some reason.

4. Tag Team Gauntlet - ***1/4

This was SO long. It went at least 40 minutes, and only the last 10 or so were even worth watching. That said, it was an outstanding last few minutes. We got Soul Touchaz/Young Bucks, Bucks/Up in Smoke, UIS/Brodie & Grizzly, and The Roughnecks facing QuackenSaw to end it on a high. Still…TOO DAMN LONG.

PROMO - The North Star Colony

While the Ants order Green Ant to do up-downs, Darin Corbin and Ryan Cruz said…something. I was too busy giggling at Fire Ant listening to his iPod using his long ant ears to hear what they were saying.

5. Amasis, Ophidian, KUDO & Michael Nakazawa vs The Colony & North Star Express - ***1/2

Pretty funny match. Amasis and Chucky T should have a girlish scream-off. Dunno who’d win (lose?). KUDO hit some really nasty stuff. NSE hit a move called Shellshock, a double hip attack. It’s incredibly stupid (not in a good way) and the Express hit the damn thing in EVERY match they were in. Needs to go. Nakazawa’s Slippery Ring of Impassability was a sight to behold, as was his less successful Slippery Suplex. KUDO’s finish was nice. I’d like to see he and Akuma go at it one-on-one.

PROMO - Eddie Kingston

I personally think King is very COMFORTABLE in front of a microphone, if not always very passionate. I know, criminal right? Well, it’s my opinion and I stand behind it, just out of backfist range. He was fine here, but sometimes when he’s not SUPER PISSSSSED and just being himself, he can lose focus.

6. Austin Aries vs Eddie Kingston - ***1/2

Awesome fun from both guys. The early going saw Aries force Eddie to keep running the ropes. When Kingston got too winded to move, Aries slapped him and took two victory laps. Then Eddie got mad. Some vicious strikes by both guys, and Kingston Sliding-D looked like it may have wrecked his elbow. Or Eddie sells like a master. Either could be true.

7. Rey de Voladores Final - Player Dos vs Kota Ibushi - ***1/2

“Holy Crap, Kota Ibushi has some crazy flips and dives! He’s so innovative!” That was me a year ago. Now? Eh. I’ve seen it all before. There’s no magic left in a lot of Ibushi’s tricks. Still, it was pretty exciting, and Dos added a nice underdog element. He nailed a crazy suicide corkscrew senton to a standing Ibushi, and worked in a few good spots between Kota’s. Not a classic, but still very fun, and once again the crowd really elevates the experience.

PROMO - Team Uppercut

Apparently, in a game of “Rock, F.I.S.T., Uppercut”, Uppercut beats F.I.S.T. every time. Seems like a poorly thought out game then. UPPERCUT!

8. King of Trios Final - F.I.S.T. vs Team Uppercut - ****

I really wanted to bump this higher, but it was criminally short at about eleven minutes. Still, it’s the third best match of all three nights, just below the Night 2 RVD match with Kota and Generico. As I mentioned before, the work over segment in this was really good. It wasn’t spectacular, but because no other teams did any long workovers in the tournament, F.I.S.T. doing it felt fresh and worked wonderfully. There were two absolutely amazing near falls in this and they really added to the drama. And the finish…my God the finish. Never in my life did I think I’d see it. The crowd exploded with shock. So did I. Great match. Great tournament.

Added to Man Makes Plans, and God Laughs:

Chikara’s return to Massachusetts wouldn’t be complete without one of their signature Six-Man Tag Matches. West Springfield will see “Lightning” Mike Quackenbush team with Golden Lynx and Aequus Nox to face STIGMA and two guys that are totally not related, Vin Gerard and Chuck Taylor. Hopefully, Chuck’s hair has turned back to his natural color. Chuck’s reward for trading Green Ant’s costume to a young Japanese wrestler was some funky Japanese hair tonic designed to grow hair back quickly, which turned his chocolate main into a grass green mess. Way to haggle, champ. As per usual with Chikara Pro, this randomly-assembled, completely unpredictable multi-man could very easily steal the show.

The ant is considered one of the most durable animals in creation. They are focused, can lift 20 times their own body weight, and they come in numbers. That being said, they have serious disadvantages and weaknesses. They are not fond of water or concentrated sunlight, have no defense for pest control chemicals, and they can be defeated with a swift series of shoe stomps. Well, Fire Ant and Green Ant will have to overcome these biological shortcomings when they face Brad and Chad Badd: The Badd Boyz, a tread-loving tandem if there ever was one. The Badd Boyz, regulars in Inter Species Wrestling, will look to do what 2.0, a ridiculous and completely unrelated tag team, couldn’t do back at YLC: Night 1: defeat the Colony. In that match, it was Soldier Ant teaming with Fire Ant. This time around, the very young Green Ant steps in and hopes to replicate his fellow Ant’s success against Chad and Brad.

It would appear that Player Uno and Player Dos, the Super Smash Brothers, have no ill will towards each other, despite Dos beating Uno on his way to The Young Lions Cup. They’ll need to stay a tight unit against the nefarious rudos from The Order of the Neo-Solar Temple, UltraMantis Black and his mind-controlled minion Delirious. But the Smash Brothers should be fine. They’re both men, almost brothers even, and they should be able to put aside any tension harbored from the YLC tournament in their effort to get back into tag team title contention. I mean, these guys love each other. They’re all BFF on MySpace, kicking back playing Missile Command in their leisure. There is absolutely no reason to believe that these two guys, despite Player Dos being the singles champion in Chikara, can’t come together as the powerful duo they once were and reclaim their Campeonatos de Parejas. Unless, you know…Player Uno challenges Dos for the Young Lions Cup. But even then, for there to be immediate tension, it’d have to take place on, like, the next night in New Hampshire.

Added to Hiding in Plain Sight:

WHAT!? Oh come on! Not cool, guys. Not cool! And it’s for the Young Lions Cup!? GUYS! My best friend Ally and I spent all that time on this week’s CHIKARMY Insider banner, and now it might serve as little more than a painful reminder of your eventual divorce. I’m so…ugh. OK, it’s alright. Like I was saying before, these two guys are friends and friends don’t take things personally. Like the time my brother took my Nintendo 64 with him on vacation and didn’t send it back like he said he would. I let that go, so Uno and Dos should…uh…you know what? I didn’t let that go. I mean, what kind of nonsense is that; to just take something, make a promise, and not honor it? It’s 62.5 MHz of malarkey, that’s what it is! See, now I’m really mad. Kyle, when I get my hands on you, I’ll, uh…well, I guess I wasn’t as over it as I thought I was. Hopefully, these two comrades are more mature than me and my brother, or else it’s R.I.P. SSB I guess.

If Delirious and his pompous puppeteer UltraMantis Black manage to get past The Colony in Springfield, then their match against Eddie Kingston and Grizzly Redwood, two-thirds of The Roughnecks, will take on greater meaning. A win over the Ants and a win over the ‘Necks would put The Order on the fast-track to a tag-team title fight. The Roughnecks have questions of their own. Ever since losing to Incoherence back at The Bobliographon, the ‘Necks have been a tag team, without third member Eddie Kingston. Whether there’s any animosity between the two is anyone’s guess. I probably should have asked Grizzly when I had the chance. Instead, I asked him what he “marked” for. Ugh. I may not be smart man, but…I got nothing here. I dropped the ball this time guys. I shall improve.

This is called karma, Mr. Tim Donst. First, you turn on your friend Hydra after a match, brutalizing him in the center of the ring. Then, you bury your teacher Mike Quackenbush in a blog post on Chikara’s main site. Well, turning rudo has its consequences, and that result is Vökoder. Vökoder has been on a warpath ever since debuting on Night 2 of the Young Lions Cup, where he rolled through the competition and nearly got to the finals before being stopped by the eventual winner, Player Dos. Both men have something to prove. For Donst, it’s whether he’s really better off turning his back on his friends. For Vökoder, it’ll be interesting to see if his dominance continues or whether he was just the right guy at the right time in the tournament. There were claims that Vökoder had started to gain “robot powers” right before he was pinned by Dos, a fact that does not bode well for young Donst. This is a good lesson for all you kids out there: if you turn on your friends, your boss will make you fight a robot. As classic a lesson as there has ever been.

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WSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNE!

- In October, Chikara is running two shows: “An Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World” Saturday, October 17th in Easton & “Cibernetico Increible” Sunday, October 18th in Philadelphia. It has been suggested that this year’s Cibernetico will be partner versus partner, continuing the theme from YLCV7. Wait, so Uno and Dos could face each other AGAIN!?!? EXPRESSION OF ANGER!

- The entire Young Lions Cup weekend is out now on DVD. Link at the bottom. Buy them all, or you won’t be able to get into The T-Birds or The Pink Ladies. The Cycle Lords will mock you. It’ll be a whole thing. Just buy them!

- DGUSA’s first PPV, Enter the Dragon, debuted on Friday night. It was outstanding, and the Chikara Showcase match stole the damn show. After the match, Quack challenged any DG wrestler to face any Chikara wrestler. YAMATO came out and kicked Mike low, a clear sign of disrespect. Jigsaw and Gran Akuma made the save…then Akuma turned on Jigsaw! Well, it seems that YAMA appreciated Akuma’s help, so at DGUSA’s second event, Open the Untouchable Gate in Chicago on September 6^th, it’s Mike Quackenbush and Jigsaw taking on YAMATO and Gran Akuma. If you’re in Chicago this weekend, there’s no reason to miss it!

- Next week’s column will be on Sunday, and will contain results from the two Chikara shows, and news that may rear its head, and the first installment of Horrible Gimmicks Run Amok~!

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Classic Chikara!

- Already seemingly a classic, this first video features the debut of Dasher Hatfield, CAW’s latest incarnation. His music is incredibly awesome, and here’s hoping the fans stay behind him.

- Next weekend’s shows will feature the return of The Osirian Portal now that Ophidian has healed up. Here’s a video montage of some of their wacky tandem offense, which includes dancing, lots of arm drags, and just a pinch of hypnosis.

- Finally, and perhaps most painfully, here’s a video on the Super Smash Brothers, who will probably break up before the year is out and I’ll cry and require therapy and get shock treatment and then I’ll be fine…if a little twitchier. Next week, I will see you.

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Welcome all ye who dare enter CHIKARMY Insider: Revolutions. Where the unbelievable is real and reality is…still very really. Don’t get any funny ideas. If you die in CHIKARMY Insider, you die in the real world. Your mind makes it real. Also, you know how your abilities only sensibly work within The Insider? Well, by the second movie, they’ll inexplicably work outside of it, too. Don’t question it, but when you realize it in a moment of panic, pass out directly afterward. Then, after your girlfriend dies, become some sort of bizarro world Jesus and die for our technological sins. Then repeat, if you believe the bearded voyeur guy in the room full of TVs. I think that’s how it happened. Man, this got weird quick. I don’t apologize.

So this week’s edition starts off with a blog post from Mike Quackenbush stating that, even though he’s only at 50%, he’ll still a fighter. Next comes the part where the QuackenSaw tag in Massachusetts is mysteriously cancelled. Confused? So was I. Well, it turns out that it all relates to the announcement of Bryan Danielson’s return to Chikara Pro, as part of his farewell tour that most are calling The Final Countdown. I think I’ll call it American Dragon’s Treacherous Traversing of Mount WWE (Why Doesn’t He Just Fly?). The answer to that is simple: now that Rey Mysterio has been suspended for “Spanky-ing”, only Evan Bourne may fly. Just so long as he doesn’t fly high, apparently. Anyway, Danielson requested a special match-up for his last Chikara match, revealed below. Finally, Chikara is running a massive secret but not-so-secret sale on their website. Information’s below. Visit their store and receive 5 cool points courtesy of Napa Auto Care. Napa: Now with 12% More Auto Care! Read on!

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Added to Man Makes Plans, and God Laughs:

If you plan on being anywhere in the Massachusetts area on September 19^th, around seven o’clock or so, be sure to stop by the Elk Lodge on Morgan Lake to witness…not the tag match a promised you a couple of weeks ago. I über hyped that sucker, and now it ain’t happenin’. I’m not going to revel in the past here, folks. I’ m gonna keep this hype train going strong, which is easy when the first replacement match-up announced is “Very European” Claudio Castagnoli vs. “The Pumpkined Punisher” Hallowicked. God I love monikers. Jerome recently allowed me to be Czar of Funk on our group Facebook page, so it’s only gonna get nuttier from here. As for the match-up, it ought to speak for itself, as both men not only rank among Chikara’s tallest opponents, but they are also two of the company’s most talented. This is Hallowicked’s first singles match this year, and he’ll look to make the most of it at the expense of a streaking Double C, who holds wins over Tim Donst and Eddie Kingston in his last few solo contests.

So we won’t get any Frightmare / Jigsaw exchanges just yet, but “The Little Lunatic” will get his hands on the guy who pulled off the biggest upset of Young Lions Cup VII: Brendan Michael Thomas (who, as it turns out, is not the guy from Home Improvement). Frightmare was unseated by the pink-clad fro-warrior in his Chikara debut, and another win over Frightmare would go a long way in ensuring consistent role in the company for BMT. By the way, I had a BMT today for lunch, and it was amazing. I’m not even kidding. My best friend works at Subway, and she hooks me up with a free sandwich whenever I behave or do something nice. I, uh…I don’t get as many sandwiches as you might think.

Well, it’s official: The Sea Donsters are no more. No more sing-a-longs. No more camaraderie. No more hugs. Tim Donst, after suffering defeat to Hydra at YLC7: Night 1, seemed to be genuinely happy for his young friend. Well it all went wrong on the third night of the Young Lions Cup, as Donst turned on his former sea mate, destroying him in the middle of the ring. Donst explained why in a blog post on a fan site supporting a Blade Runner remake. I killed them all. Donst rips Hydra on Chikara’s site, saying “When will you get it? You were nothing but comic relief with the Temple, and as a Sea Donster you made me nothing more than a joke! Well come September, no one is going to be laughing when I tear you limb from limb.” Wowsers. Sounds like someone needs to snack on some Combos, watch Twilight, have a good cry with his girlfriends, and eat pillow. Donst elaborated further, stating his agenda: First, I’m going to have my revenge for YLC: Night 1, and then I’m going take the Cup. By any means necessary. I think we can all get behind this chant: Go Hydra Go Hydra Go-Go-Go! Or something similar.

Colin Delaney, still reeling from his loss in the finals of the Young Lions Cup tournament to Player Dos, will have to try and avoid a slump if he’s to best the “Old Timey King of Swing” Dasher Hatfield. Create-A-Wrestler’s latest encarnation is his most successful yet, nearly getting to the finals of the YLC himself before getting thrown out at home…eliminated by Colin Delaney as the last man in the Six-Man Eliminator. Like a batter nailed in back after hitting a dinger, Dasher will be looking for vengeance against the man that had to throw absolutely every he had at him, including blatant Pete Rose-level cheating, to beat him. But it’s a fresh set of downs for Hatfield. Wait, that’s a football reference. Well, I only have so many baseball ones before I gotta tap a deeper well, and football’s a sport I just know a little better. There’s really nothing better than a cold beer on a hot summer’s day at Turner Field, though. Seriously, go outside. I betcha it’s beautiful out…unless you live on the East Coast, then you might wanna stay indoors. Someone named Danny might kick you right in the whole body if he gets a look at you.

Added to Hiding in Plain Sight:

For Bryan Danielson’s final match in Chikara, he requested a very special match-up. Apparently, this plea involved teaming with long-time buddy and increasingly heelish Swiss giant, Claudio Castagnoli. Their opponents might be the most underappreciated tag team anywhere in the States, a fact which should change come September 6^th in Chicago at DGUSA’s second event. On that show, Mike Quackenbush and Jigsaw will tag together in a heated and bitter match with company versus company implications. A week later, on September 13^th in Nashua, things look a tad brighter, but make no mistake: Bryan Danielson is a competitor. Exit or no exit, wins and losses matter to him. Whether this will play as a friendly rivalry or heated reflection of their history, one thing for certain is that NEW HAMPSHIRE IS FULL OF SOME LUCKY FOLKS. LUCKY, LUCKY FOLKS. DRAGON. QUACK. CLAUDIO. JIGSAW. I HATE NEW HAMPSHIRE. Apparently, they also have the absolute best prices for all forms of alcohol anywhere in country, according to my expert research. This means I DOUBLE HATE NEW HAMPSHIRE! [/jealousy]

Holy Carp! Chikara’s debut in Nashua, already boasting an impressive line-up, gets a little more impressive with the announcement of a Ten-Man Technico vs Rudo Tag Team Match. Team Good Guys sees the youngest half of the Colony, Green Ant and his not so BFF Carpenter Ant, teaming together for the first time with Dasher Hatfield and The Future is Now members Jimmy “Equinox” Olsen and Lince Dorado. Team Rudo consists of the wacky 2.0 and the much less wacky trio, The UnStable. It is a rare occurrence that Chikara puts on Five on Five tags, so this could have Cibernetico implications for next month’s Cibernetico Incredible event. Both teams will have their share of intersquad issues that must be resolved, with Green Ant and Carpenter ant not seeing eye-to-eye and Two Point Oh not exactly working the way the usually smileless UnStable does. This will also be the second time Dasher Hatfield has a chance to get his hands on the man that robbed him of a trip to the YLC finals, Colin Delaney. Hopefully, he’ll come through in the clutch for his team. Had to get one more baseball reference in.

Chuck Taylor’s first Chikara singles match since losing to Fire Ant back at Vanity and Violence (unless you count the two he had on the BJW Tour…I don’t.) is against the dangerous, rambunctious youngster Frightmare. Frightmare, depressed and suicidal following the recent death of his wife, nearly killed a disarmed suspect after entering a psychotic rage during a drug bust. Wait…that might have been Mel Gibson’s character Riggs in Lethal Weapon. Yeah, it was Riggs. I’m on a roll so I can’t stop to backspace, nor would I want to even if I could. Actually, I got nothing else to say about Frightmare facing Chuck Taylor other than Chucky works well with the tiny guys, so I have high expectations. Here are some more “fun” facts about New Hampshire: Tupperware originated there, as well as America’s first modern lottery, ski lift, and LED traffic lights. For more information…go to New Hampshire I guess. While you’re there, watch Frightmare take on Chuck Taylor. Should be a good one.

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RANDOM NEWS FOR READING PURPOSES~!

- Tired of searching the internet for great ways to spend your money? Well, you’re in luck! All three nights of the Young Lions Cup tournament will be available for purchase at Smark Mark Video on Tuesday. Get’em while they’re hot!

- The Chikara Store is having a sale on all masks and t-shirts to make room for new merchandise. It’s a Buy 2, Get 1 Free Sale! Mix and match two shirts or masks, and simply put your desired free item of equal value in the comments section of the PayPal order! Plus, they’ll be stuffing each order with retro Chikara goodies, and one lucky orderererer will win an Autographed Copy of the 2009 Chikara Yearbook that got lost in the shuffle! ORDER THINGS!

- Next week, right here at CHIKARMY Insider (waits for pop), the final King of Trios DVD Review, Night 3, will be put up with more updates from the September shows, and some Classic Chikara to cherry that sundae. I’m hoping to do my first installment of Horrible Gimmicks Run Amok~! the following week, but we shall see. Goodnight Canada!

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This week’s CHIKArtie, the Strongest Man in the Insider features a dazzling review of King of Trios: Night 2, an update on all upcoming shows in Chikara, and…that’s it. Yeah, so not my strongest outing ever, but it was inventory this week, so I was swamped. Plus, Chikara’s between shows, so it can get a little slim in the news department. I wanted to debut a new bit here on these pages but I couldn’t decide which one was worse: Horrible Gimmicks Run Amok! where I feature a really awful, eye-rolling gimmicks for Chikara fans to mock mercilessly, or Six Degrees of Chikara, where I attempt to connect a Chikara regular with a famous person in six degrees or less. That last one sounds like way more fun with e-mails from fans (Fans? What fans?) so I’ll probably end up doing the gimmick one starting in a week or so. As it stands, enjoy what I done for ya. ENJOY IT!

Chikara DVD Review:

King of Trios: Night 2

On the second night of the 2009 King of Trios tournament, the eight winning teams from Night 1 did battle to secure spots in the final four on Night 3. Here were the teams:

Also taking place on Night 2: the 2009 Rey de Voladores, a tournament designed to pit the best high flyers in the business against one another. That’s right: a tournament within a tournament! Two four-man elimination matches would determine which two wrestlers went to the finals on Night 3. Here were the competitors:

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1. Austin Aries vs Matt Jackson vs Player Dos vs Fire Ant - ***3/4

Lots of energy in this one, and it was a great way to kick off the show. I was actually most impressed by Matt Jackson. Never thought I’d see the day Player Dos pinned A-Double, who reverted to his heel character inexplicably.

PROMO - The F1RST Family

This was going ok…then Darin Corbin went crazy. He went “Macho Man” and threatened all manner of violence. His stablemates had a hard time restraining him. Very funny.

2. The F1RST Family vs F.I.S.T. - ***1/2

A very solid match between two of the longest tagging trios in Chikara. Everybody hit their stuff, and I love it when Icarus picks up a win off a pedigree. That always pisses the crowd right off. A six-man triangle choke makes an appearance as well.

3. The Submission Squad vs Davey Vega & Gary the Barn Owl - *

I originally wrote this a couple months ago, and I summed up this match with a one-word slur used by Cartman on the episode of South Park entitled “Fatbeard”. I found it hilariously accurate at the time, but the reference now seems dated, so I’ll say instead, “Man these guys is foos. They should not come back to Chikara. They would be just turrible.” Round Mound for all win ever.

PROMO - The Future is Now

This was as generic as it gets, although I was impressed with how comfortable Jimmy Ol…I mean Equinox…was in the promo.

4. The Osirian Portal vs The Future Is Now - **3/4

Look, I actually like TFIN, but you gotta hit your spots, guys. Escorpion’s suckitude was not as prevalent in this. Still, I liked this just as much as the Future’s first-round match…in that I didn’t. Lince nearly killing himself on a dive was pretty funny though. Also, I just added the word “suckitude” to my Microsoft Word dictionary. Something tells me I will need it from time to time, especially when dealing with singles matches from STIGMA. Heh-heh, a Shane Storm potshot. I’m so cool…

5. El Generico vs Nick Jackson vs Jigsaw vs Kota Ibushi - ****1/4

Sweaty Balls! This was insane! I thought the entire crowd was going to drop dead of an overdose of kickassery. The Kota/Generico stuff was legend, again. This is one of those matches that sneaks up on you, because you don’t think that the sum parts could possibly all maximize their potential in one glorious moment of wrestling glory…but it does. It so totally does. My only complaint would be that the pinfalls happened too quickly, but it was still the best frickin’ match of Night 2.

PROMO - The UnStable

This was slightly better than TFIN’s promo, if only for the entire team constantly stroking their mustaches. Vin’s was pretty impressive, but Aries should have showed up with an electric razor threatening a “lip stripping”. Oh well.

6. The UnStable vs. Da Soul Touchaz - ***1/4

Gotta be honest, the only thing I remember from this was Willie and Marshe pulling out a russian leg sweep / lungblower combo. It was bananas. Oh, and Willie applying a sick double stacked boston crab. I think Gerard got a flash roll-up. *shrugs*

PROMO - The Super Smash Bros.

Uno was boring me until Dos showed up with a present. I really like both of those guys, and the new outfits were pretty damn sharp.

7. Twiggy vs. Player Uno - ***

This was fine, I guess. I’m a fan of Uno and I liked his and Dos’ new ring gear. Twiggy’s finisher was called “The Al Bundy Fan Club”. No Ma’am references were a’ plenty. I giggled.

PROMO - Team Uppercut

Dave Taylor can’t wait to take on Johnny Saint. Claudio wants a piece of Quack. Danielson…well…he doesn’t know Skayde…but he can’t wait to get his hands on him! UPPERCUT!

8. Team Uppercut vs Masters Of A Thousand Holds - ****1/4

The first time I watched this match, for some reason, I was really let down by it. I remember being completely underwhelmed, and at times a tad bored. Having rewatched the match for this review, I’ve come to the conclusion that I fell asleep and dreamt of a different, much less interesting match. This match is great. There’s some surprising sloppiness from Quack and Claudio, but nothing too distracting. Claudio actually said recently that, when all is said and done, he may be most proud of this contest. There were tons of wrestling nerd moments. Saint facing Dragon and Taylor was just so cool. Hot finish to this as well. BRING. DAVE. TAYLOR. BACK. ALWAYS.

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Added to Man Makes Plans, and God Laughs:

During a recent sit-down interview, “Lightning” Mike Quackenbush mentioned Steve “The Turtle” Weiner with great fondness, stating that he “deserves every booking that he gets”. Well, Leonard F. Chikarason must feel the same way, because “The Turtle” isn’t booked against any opponent. He’s got to tangle with the red-hot Grizzly Redwood. The “Littlest Lumberjack” is unde-fricken-feated this year in singles matches. I’m dead serious. So it will take all Weiner has if he is to best the Grizz. I would bring fancy technology to confuse Redwood, like a robot dog or a Neo Geo, and hope to secure a roll-up. But I’m a coward. I’m no man. I’m not…Steve “The Turtle” Weiner.

Well there ain’t no rest for the wicked, as Ophidian will have to jump right back in the saddle and make his long-awaited return to Chikara as The Osirian Portal defend their belts against 66.6% of F.I.S.T., Icarus and Gran Akuma. It has been about four and a half months since the Portal have defended their straps, and with several other challengers on the horizon, Amasis and Ophidian cannot make the mistake of overlooking Chikara’s veteran duo, who will be challenging for the belts for the first time in over a year. A win here would make F.I.S.T. the first two-time holder of the tag titles in Chikara, but a Portal victory would tie them with Incoherence as the team with the most tag title defenses. History will be made in Massatu…Massetchu… the Elks Lodge.

Added to Hiding in Plain Sight:

LFC continues to pile on the fun in New Hampshire, where the main event will see The Colony challenge for the Campeonatos de Parejas. Their opponents will be determined in the main event of the previous night’s shows, as the winner of Portal vs F.I.S.T. not only gets the gold, they get to face Fire and Soldier Ant the next night! Let us take a look at our options here:

A) The Colony face The Osirian Portal in a rematch of their tremendous match back at Revelation X, only this time it will be contested under standard 2 out of 3 Falls rules and the Ant won’t have to worry about Escorpion…yeah, let’s not mention him again. Who this favors is anyone’s guess, but the Portal will have the advantage going into the contest having already beat bested The Colony previously.

B) Fire and Soldier Ant take on Icarus and Akuma in a reigniting of their blood-feud that seemingly ended at Aniversario Yang with Icarus and Chuck Taylor losing their respective manes. However, these two teams have not actually faced each other in a tag match since Two Eyebrows are Better than One back in January of 2008. That contest ended with the Ants going over, but it’s been a while since then, and F.I.S.T. is on fire this year, so it’s anyone’s game.

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There has been a change to the show names of upcoming Chikara events. On October 17^th and 18^th, in Easton and Philadelphia, Chikara presents An Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World followed by the annual Torneo Cibernetico event Cibernetico Incredible. A month later on November 21^st and 22^nd, Chikara will run Eaton and Philly again, this time for Throwing Life’s Instructions Away on Saturday and Three-Fisted Tales as the Season Finale show on Sunday. Se yu net wek1

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