Pro Wrestling Ponderings

We start out with a bunch of black people dancing… uh… white people playing football? And a white old woman. And a rabbi giving a baby a circumcision. And a farmer with a goat. Cedric did NOT know that, however, and will not pay for his drink tab. Cedric and the Bella Twins walk out. That was awkward as hell, but got progressively… more awkward? It wasn’t exactly funny. Definitely wasn’t funny. Not to me, at least.

We start out proper with DX, which is much better. In a match? Whoa. HHH in the opener? That’s pretty interesting.

Yes, I’m a guy, so take this with as much respect as possible. Did anyone else notice the insanely bouncy tah-tah’s? In the blue Hard Rock Café t-shirt? If you did, you certainly must’ve smiled.

DX talk about how Shawn was in the first Hell In A Cell, and HHH has won the most Hell In A Cell matches. Cody and Ted? Never been in one, ever. I like this, because if Legacy loses, they lose to two BEASTS in Hell In A Cell Matches. If they win? They just beat two BEASTS in Cell matches. They get over regardless, because you know HHH and HBK are going to make them look great.

Match starts with immediate cheating from Rhodes and DiBiase. Rhodes is just SMOTHERING HHH with strikes, even getting a boot up to stop a comeback. HHH lays on the brutality, though, tossing Rhodes into the post THREE times, then bringing him down with a Cross Face! Rhodes bails to the outside, and DiBiase walks over to stop HBK from attacking Rhodes on the outside… but HHH takes them BOTH out with a Baseball slide Dropkick! NICE! Didn’t expect that at all.

We’re back and Rhodes has a wear down hold on HHH. HHH tries a comeback, but gets taken down with a Swinging Neck Breaker. DiBiase cheats a little with a punch to HHH with the ref’s back turned. Another comeback gets snuffed out by Rhodes, who hit’s a Russian Leg Sweep for 2. Cravate and some forearms keep HHH down and a BEAUTIFUL Springboard Moonsault Press off the top rope gets 2 for Rhodes. Rhodes charges in at HHH in the ropes, but gets back dropped to the outside! HBK thinks about attacking, but decides against it. Rhodes SLAPS HBK, and runs! HBK ducks a clothesline from DiBiase, and goes for a Superkick on Rhodes. But that leaves him open to a Flapjack from DiBiase onto the announce table! CLOTHESLINE/CHOP BLOCK COMBO TO HBK! Back in the ring, HHH ducks a clothesline and goes for the Pedigree, but DiBiase is in to stop that with a chair shot to the back! Post-match, Legacy hit their finishers on HHH and go to PILLMANIZE his throat, but HBK makes the save WITH THE SLEDGEHAMMER!

COMMERCIAL!

Note: Skillet getting the theme song for Hell In A Cell is awesome. GREAT band.

We’re back and we get Cedric The Entertainer. He loves WWE Raw. He saw Big Show roll up to the arena… did you know he drives a Prius? Hahaha. He starts making fun of WWE wrestlers.

Andre The Giant+King Kong Bundy=The Big Show

Kool-Aid Man=Mark Henry

Jackass=The Miz

Awesome. Santino’s out, now, and he wants to be a stand-up comedy man! Frederick the Entertainment lets him. Santino gets a gloriously bad fat joke.

Chavo is out, and Frederick says it’s nice of him to let a Leprechaun beat him every week. Santino lets Frederick know he’s losing while trying. He challenges Frederick to a match, and Santino accepts for him!

Backstage, Miz says he only stole what’s going to be his anyways. The US Champ should be from the USA! He was born and raised in Cleveland, Ohio. He didn’t float over on a raft with a Bob Marley CD in his ha- KOFI KINGSTON ATTACKS MIZ FROM BEHIND! And takes his title back. That was… odd. I’m guessing Miz just steals the title back during the US Title Match again. Otherwise this was largely useless.

Evan Bourne vs. The Miz

It’s probably be a short match, but this always has potential. Miz starts the match off using his power to take control. Bourne EXPLODES out of the corner with a dropkick, but gets crotched. Kick to the head gets a 2 count for Miz, and he put on a Double Arm Camel Clutch. Bourne takes a Bret Hart bump into the corner, but ducks a clothesline and gets a REALLY slick roll-up for 2. Twisting Face Buster to the knee gets 2 for The Miz, followed up by a Vertical Suplex for another 2 count. Now he gets a conventional Camel Clutch, followed up by the Double Arm Camel Clutch. Miz sets Bourne half in/half out on the apron and DRILLS HIM with a knee lift. 2 count! Back in the ring and he gets ANOTHER Double Arm Camel Clutch, and I’m really digging it. Bourne leads him head first into the corner! Several kicks to the legs, but Miz reverses an Irish Whip! CLOTHESLINE in the corner! Miz up top, but Bourne crotches him! TOP ROPE RANA! Bourne up top… SHOOTING STAR PRESS! NO! MIZ MOVES! BUT BOURNE LANDS ON HIS FEET! REALITY CHECK FROM MIZ! ONE! TWO! THREE!

Backstage, Orton gives Rhodes and DiBiase the night off. He wants to go to the contract signing alone.

We’re back, and it’s time for the contract signing to the Hell In A Cell WWE Championship match. Randy Orton is out first. Cena obviously next. I love the difference in demeanor. Orton is all business. He lost his belt. He wants it back. Cena is all smiles, swinging back and forth in his chair. I mean, he’s the champ. He did what he said he would do and didn’t quit. Why shouldn’t he be all smiles? Orton signs and tells Lawler to get out of the ring.

Orton makes it known that he’s not at his lowest point, but at his highest. He’s more dangerous than ever. Cena has never been in a Hell In A Cell match before, he doesn’t know what’s coming. Orton does. And after this match, Cena will never be the same. This brings Cena to his feet, who asks if Orton was saying something. He made a compilation of Orton quitting. Cena lets Orton know he tortured him, and he’s still standing. He’s the WWE Champion, and he’s standing strong.

And I came back in with Alicia Fox standing over Mickie James and draping the Diva’s Championship in front of her. OK.

COMMERCIAL!

US Championship Match: Kofi Kingston © vs. Jack Swagger

Odd that Kofi came out first. Both men display their strong suits early. I mean late, as this match is short as shit. Miz comes out to steal the belt, but Swagger sees him, clotheslines him from behind, and takes the belt and leaves himself. OK?

COMMERCIAL!

Frederick The Entertainment vs. Chavo Guerrero

Special Guest Referee: Santino Marella

I know he’s a heel, and he’s damn good at what he does, but even heel’s getting humiliated every single week gets boring and tedious. Cedric wearing a mask is fucking great, though. They do a hilariously bad mix-n-match of Cedric going under the ring, only for a bigger, thicker “Cedric” to come out and beat down Chavo… while he slides under the ring and then Horny comes out in a much smaller costume to hit the Tad Pole Splash… and then HE goes under the ring, and the original Cedric comes back out and gets the pin.

COMMERCIAL!

Next week’s guest host: Rev. Al Sharpton. Huh?

In the ring, Lillian gets a proper send-off. She’s been with WWE for 10 years, now, and she’s pretty emotional. Nothing but nice things to say about everyone in this organization. Man, she is showing more pure emotion here than you normally see in months of real TV. Even I’m getting a little misty. You don’t see many people who genuinely CARE about what they do like Lillian seems to. Good luck to her in the future. Thanks for having a program with Viscera where you reassured us the only way you could have sex is if you were on top. Too soon?

6-man Tag Match: Randy Orton, Chris Jericho and The Big Show vs. John Cena, MVP and Mark Henry

Faces win: Orton gets put in a 3 on 1 Gauntlet Match vs. Cena, MVP and Henry

Heels win: Cena gets put in a 3 on 1 Gauntlet Match vs. Orton, Jericho and Big Show

Could probably go either way. I’m sure Cena will lose though as that will put the Title Match at Hell In A Cell more in doubt. Jericho and Cena start the match out. The heels use the numbers game to take over on Cena, taking and keeping control for a while. Cena creates an opening, though, hitting Orton with a Belly to Belly Suplex. MVP is in, as well as Jericho, and he is just a house of fire! Belly to Belly Suplex, clothesline! Face Buster! BALLIN’! ONE! TWO! THR- KICKOUT! The heels overwhelm MVP, and they get another heat segment on him, now. Sizeable “MVP” chant, which is always good to hear. The one thing these multi-man matches are missing is complete anarchy. I remember when every night of Raw would end with just a crowd-deafening brawl where it would just be chaos and madness. I miss it. I loved those. Right now, they’re building up to Henry getting the hot tag, and it’s working, because the cameras are literally shaking when they think a hot tag is coming. I love that, but it’s just too slow. Too much deliberate heat getting, not enough craziness and unpredictability. MVP gets knocked to the outside, but makes the tag to Henry! Crowd are slow to react, as it wasn’t really clear if he’d made the tag. But Henry is actually fired up, which makes the crowd much more fired up. The heels stop that dead in it’s tracks, though, as Orton hits Henry with an RKO for the 1-2-3!

Up and down Raw, this week… like every week. The downs just outnumbered the ups this week. Up until the Miz/Bourne match, this was a largely solid and impressive show. Past that, though, it was largely crap, and petered out to an underwhelming ending. Not looking forward to next week, either, with Sharpton being the guest host. See you all next week, though!

 

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Oh, and Batista has a life altering decision… TRISH STRATUS IS HERE!

We start the show off with highlights of Cena and Orton’s WWE Title I Quit Match, spliced in with Cena and Orton talking. I didn’t get to watch the PPV, but it sounds like it was a pretty damn solid show. How do you not give a thumps up to a PPV with a Ring Post Figure Four+ Million Dollar Dream? That’s pretty damn swank.

Batista is out first, arm still in a cast… ish type apparatus. It’s not a sling, that’s for sure. Brace? Whatever. Batista looks a little emotional, even with the sun glasses on. He starts it off with a “Thank you” to the crowd, and us watching at home. It isn’t how he wanted to come back… because he’s come back to say goodbye. Randy Orton’s music hits and he interrupts Batista is grand fashion. He looks about as happy as he did when he was still WWE Champion.

He’s VERY unhappy about it, but he’s taking solace in the fact that Batista is retiring. After all, Orton is the one who put Batista out of action in the first place. Orton advises Batista to hang his head and cry, like he was about to before he came out. Wait a minute. Does Batista have a fucking nose ring? I don’t even get enough time to let that sink in, because Batista tells Orton there’s two things that are funny.

1. He’s predictable.

2. His arm isn’t hurt anymore.

He then FLATTENS Orton with a clothesline, Powerslam, and clothesline over the top rope. He’s not retiring, he’s just going to Smackdown! Crowd is a little mixed about that. What they’re NOT mixed about, is that Batista talked to our guest host tonight (TRISH STRATUS!!!) and he’s got one more match… tonight… No Holds Barred… against Randy Orton! That should be fun. I wonder if they keep Orton strong and give him the win over the exiting Batista, or if they let Dave have his last moment in the sun on Raw. It could go either way, really.

TRISH FUCKING STRATUS!!!!! And she’s a brunette!! Can you tell I’m excited? Just a little bit? Trish doesn’t want to toot her own horn… gonna try to be a bigger person and leave that alone… but she’s going to be a great host. She thought Bob Barker did a great job, especially making Chris Jericho almost cry. Yeah, that was pretty solid. She knows what we want? I really hope she’s not reading my mind. Or my readers’ minds. All 17 of you. It’d be embarrassing, and rude. Trish knows what else we want… and she’s gonna give it all to us. Stratus-fucking-faction. At the next PPV, it’s going to be John Cena vs. Randy Orton in a Hell in a Cell! Should be epic, though it just doesn’t warrant it. Legacy didn’t come in and cost

This is a rematch from Superstars last week. Primo tries to do a head stand in the corner, but Miz just pulls him down and drops him on his front. Swagger and Miz take over in quick order, and Miz makes me smile by actually getting heat while on the apron. Most guys just stand there and wait for the tag. Anyways, Swagger goes for his Vader Bomb but hits knees, and Kofi gets the hot tag and is just really taking it to Swagger and Miz. Kofi hit’s a pretty rad STO-variation, landing Swagger in a cover attempt, but it only gets 2. Kofi goes for his mounted punches in the corner on Swagger, but Miz grabs the US Title and starts walking out with it. This is obviously distracting, allowing Swagger to drop him face first in the corner, and then hit the Dr. Bomb for the 3!

COMMERCIAL!

#1 Contenders Match for Women’s Championship: Gail Kim vs. Alicia Fox

Kim and James had a botchy match a month of so back, and I’m not into Alicia Fox at all, so either of these matches aren’t really doing much for me. As always, you will get no match PBP. I could really care less about this match and who wins.

COMMERCIAL!

According to Beth Phoenix and Trish Stratus, tube tops are IN these days. Jericho brings up his past with Trish, and that makes me happy. Beth really heels it up, saying Trish retired because she didn’t want to face her. “Um, well, no, I didn’t even know you” Great delivery, there. Trish says she’s DEFINITELY not afraid to fight Beth, OR Jericho, and tonight she’s going to get a partner to fight them! TONIGHT! Oh it’s fucking ON. This Raw just got an insta-thumbs up. Awesome.

DiBiase and Rhodes come out to gloat, and immediately make me smile with Rhodes mocking the normal DX pre-match spiel. Are we ready for the dawning of a new era? Because last night, they made DX tap out. Who HASN’T tapped them out? The Rock, Steve Austin, The Undertaker, hell, Orton never did. Neither did Edge. DiBiase says it surprised a lot of people, but why? They’re the better men, and last night HBK had no choice but to tap out. Rhodes says they’re no longer the sons of Hall Of Famers Dusty Rhodes and Ted DiBiase. They’re now the fathers… of the Legacy. Ho. Ly. Fuck. That was a great promo from both guys, especially Rhodes. That last line gave me some pretty mean chills. If it hasn’t become very apparent, these two are in the front running for WWE’s future top guys. And that says a lot, because WWE has a lot of young guys right now who are being groomed for a top spot down the line. I love it.

Definitely looking forward to this one. And if anyone is going to give DiBiase a great match on free TV, it’s HBK. Should be a great Hour 1 Main Event. Lock up and DiBiase immediately powers HBK to the corner and SMOTHERS him with punches and kicks. Whip to the ropes, but HBK stops a Back Body Drop with a knee lift. Power Slam attempt by Ted is stopped by HBK, who hit’s a Swinging Neck Breaker. HBK gets a whip reversed, and DiBiase hits his Power Slam this time. DiBiase gets some ground and pound in, with a noticeable “You Screwed Bret” chant in the background. HBK gets sent to the outside, and Rhodes goes to swarm on him, but HHH saunters over and makes sure that doesn’t happen. Million Dollar Fist Drops! They get a 2 count, and DiBiase locks on a Chin Lock. HBK fights out with some chops, but DiBiase drops him with a Drop Kick. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I like that. Their leader, Orton, does a Drop Kick. It’s only natural that he’d teach it to them and they’d pick it up. Back to the Chin Lock for DiBiase. HBK fights back up again and avoids a Drop Kick, and goes for THE SHARPSHOOTER!? Crowd HATES that, and DiBiase rolls him up for a close 2 count. HBK now goes for his modified Figure Four, but Rhodes distracts the ref so DiBiase can rake the eyes and take control of the match again. HBK makes a valiant effort to stop DiBiase’s momentum, and just throws a wild Haymaker and it connects! Both men are up and DiBiase locks in the Million Dollar Dream! HBK fights out of it, though, pulls him face first into the top turnbuckle! Another double down spot, and both men are up at 4. DiBiase goes for a Piledriver but gets Back Dropped to the outside! Rhodes again goes to help, but HHH backs him off again. DiBiase rolls into the ring to avoid HHH, but gets caught with an Atomic Drop, and the Flying Forearm! NIP UP by HBK! Thesz Press and punches! HBK ascends to the top… ELBOW DROP! HBK is STILL selling the eye rake, getting wobbly up top, and constantly trying to clear up his vision for the Sweet Chin Music. Rhodes sweeps his leg out! The referee calls for the DQ!

Rhodes goes for the Ring Post Figure Four, but HHH cuts him off, and we get a HUGE brawl between the two teams! HBK and DiBiase go to the crowd, while HHH just owns Rhodes until THEY go into the crowd, now. HHH throws Rhodes into a cameraman as we go to commercial! That was a great way to do a cheap finish, but still give the fans something worthwhile. I know they did a lot of crowd brawling last night, but it still makes sense. Just great ordered chaos.

Hornswaggle and Evan Bourne vs. Chavo Guerrerro and Carlito

I don’t know if it’s sad or funny that I wrote Carlito before Bourne and Horny were even halfway down the ramp. At least it’s not another Hornswaggle vs. Chavo singles match. Horny starts out, but tags out to Bourne. Carlito is on the receiving end of a sweet Sunset Flip, and seated Drop Kick. Chavo tries to get momentum but Horny dropkicks his legs out from under him. Bourne is back on the offensive, but it’s short lived as Chavo drops him with a Spinning Heel Kick. Tag and Carlito is in, hitting a Body Slam and Elbow Drop for 2. Chavo gets the tag in and hit’s the Eddie Senton from the apron. Wear down hold to keep Bourne grounded, but Bourne fights out with leg kicks and a SLICK Hurricanrana. Flying Elbow to Chavo! Spinning Heel Kick of his own to Chavo! Bourne sets him up and tags in Horny, then hit’s a Cross Body OVER the top rope, taking him and Carlito to the outside! Horny is up top, but Chavo stops him. APPLE SPIT TO THE FACE! TO THE FAAAAAAAACE! TAD POLE SPLASH! ONE! TWO! THREE!

Post match Chavo concedes that Horny is the better man. No double speak, no excuses, nothing. Well… al right then.

Awesome subtle one liner.

Josh Matthews gets a backstage interview with new WWE Champion, John Cena. He promised he wouldn’t quit, and he came through. He didn’t quit. I know it’ll be a good match, maybe even great and epic. But there HAD to be another way to get to a Hell In A Cell match with these two. It’s supposed to keep people out so Orton can’t play the numbers game, and to give the face, Cena, a just and fair and completely convincing win. But… they already got that last night in their I Quit Match, and Cena won without a shred of doubt. At least the Legacy vs. DX Hell In A Cell match makes sense. DX won at Summerslam, Legacy won at Breaking Point. HHH and HBK are the ABSOLUTE veterans of HIAC, with Rhodes and DiBiase being the overwhelming underdogs and rookies. But then nobody gave them a chance in the Submission match, either. I don’t see any way they beat DX in Hell In A Cell, but just the idea of it continues to elevate Legacy as a team, and as single’s stars.

Trish Stratus and MVP vs. Beth Phoenix and Chris Jericho

Why not make it a 6-person match with Henry and Big Show being added, as well. Seeing a Tag Team Champion in a tag team match WITHOUT his tag partner, inter gender/non-title or not, is just weird. I guess they wanted to feature the Trish/Beth/Jericho issue than continue the MVP/Henry/Jericho/Show issue. Oh well.

Trish and Beth start it off, which again is weird to me. Why not build to letting Trish being involved in the match so her hot tag gets a pop, and then the crowd can get behind her for her beat down/comeback spots. HAHAHA Jericho comes into the ring just to shove Trish. Fantastic. MVP is having none of that and he clothesline himself and Jericho out of the ring! Show is out now and attacks MVP, for the DQ.

I was ready to get really annoyed about that, and ask what the point was, but Trish makes it a six person (Didn’t specify tag or match, so we could be in store for an orgy if we play our cards right) RIGHT NOW. And we go to commercial

Trish Stratus, MVP and Mark Henry vs. Beth Phoenix, Chris Jericho and The Big Show

There we go. That’s more like it. We’re JIP and MVP being worked over by the heels. I’m surprised Jericho is pulling down boos in Canada, but he’s a master heel so it really shouldn’t surprise me. MVP gets a desperation roll-up and Clothesline to try and get the momentum back on his team’s side. Jericho puts a halt to that an pulls MVP back to his own corner, and slaps on a wear down hold. Solid “MVP” chant brings him to his feet, and he powers out of the hold and hits Jericho with a Belly to Belly Suplex, followed by some elbows. Jericho tags out to Beth, and she wants a piece of MVP. He’s no woman beater, however, and tags in Trish. Thesz Press! Punches! DOUBLE TEAM BALLIN’! Yes, that’s what I said. MVP is in now and Sling Shots into a dive onto Jericho! On the other side, however, Show sweeps out Trish’s legs out while she’s running the ropes! Beth covers… CLOSE 2 count! On the outside, Henry charges and TACKLES Big Show! That got a good pop. Back in the ring, Trish hit’s the Stratusfaction! ONE! TWO! THREE!

COMMERCIAL!

Next week’s guest host: Cedric The Entertainer. Well, that’ll either be very fun, or very drawn out. Obviously I’m hoping for the former.

No Holds Barred: Randy Orton vs. Batista

I haven’t been writing them, but they’ve been doing a show-long build up to this match with videos of their past, with Orton taking Batista out not once but twice in the past year or so. I can’t imagine many new fans coming in, that wouldn’t know their history, but it was a nice reminder to those who may have forgotten.

Less than 10 minutes left, so I hope this is all energy and not a stall fest with a couple big spots. Could go either way. The bell sounds and Orton immediately bails to get a chair. Batista stops that, and Orton’s DDT in the ropes. They trade some strikes back and forth, until Batista explodes off the ropes with a clothesline. Orton slides to the outside again, only to take another Clothesline. Looked like Orton pulled something out from under the ring, but I can’t see anything at this point. Back in the ring, Orton gets an eye poke and his Back/Neck Breaker variation. Stomps all around the body, followed up by a Knee Drop. Seeing an opening, Orton goes outside to bring a chair in, but he takes too much time. SPEAR by Batista! Orton bails AGAIN, but this time Batista keeps the fight outside, and keeps the pressure on strong. He drops Orton chest first onto the crowd barrier. Orton tries to keep Batista away, but gets whipped into the steel steps in the progress. Back in the ring, RKO! NO! Batista blocks it, and drops Orton with a Belly To Back Suplex! Orton bails fucking AGAIN, up the ramp, but this time Cena’s music hits and he blocks Orton’s escape route! CLOTHESLINE ON THE RAMP! Cena rolls Orton back into the ring to a waiting Batista, who hit’s a Spinebuster! THUMBS DOWN! BATISTA BOMB! ONE! TWO! THREE!

There’s a really subtle underlining problem I have with Raw. I know I normally praise them in these little final paragraphs, but for me, Raw always seems to go downhill after the first hour. Sure, there’s times where they finish strong (And one could argue this finished strong for the live crowd) but my interest dwindles after the first 60 minutes. And that’s not something I like to notice, because shows are supposed to build on themselves until the climax at the end… not the middle. Either way, the first hour was still really good. Just a disappointing 2^nd half. See everyone next week!

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We start Raw off with The Price is RAW. No bitch, yet. He’s even got his slender mic, with Howard Finkel playing the unseen voice. Barker wishes he had a refrigerator for every fan in attendance. Good God, Bob Barker is getting a mega-pop. Bob starts things off with a PRICING game! SANTINO MARELLA! JILLIAN HALL! IRWIN R. SHYSTER! CHRIS JERICHO! COME ON DOOOOWWWWNNN! Jericho is shirtless and oiled up and has a Chris nametag on. That’s pretty fantastic.

They’re going to bid on the Best of Smackdown 3-disc set. Santino is first… AND HE WANTS A VOWEL! Bob Barker is not amused. Santino bets $1,465 American Style Dollars. Bob doesn’t think he’s over bet. Jillian sings her bet of $75. IRS bids $50, WITH taxes. Jericho’s bid consists o him walking menacingly up to Bob Barker. Barker is just treating him with 0 respect, totally treating Jericho like nothing, and it’s pretty great. I’m waiting for him to punchisize his face FOR FREE. Barker baits Jericho into betting ONE DOLLAR. The actual retail price… $18.90! Chris Jericho wins! He goes to the ring for his actual prize… a paid vacation to Hawaii! But to win the prize, he has to beat… MVP!

I’m already loving this episode. They start off with some mat wrestling, which Jericho excels at so he takes the early advantage. MVP isn’t a slouch, himself, and gets a few reversals. They hit the ropes and Jericho gets a Shoulder Tackle. MVP cuts off that momentum with a Clothesline and works Jericho over in the corner with strikes. Drop Toe Hold puts Jericho in position to get Dropkicked. MVP charges in and gets back dropped to the apron. He lands on the apron, and takes a shoulder to the gut. Jericho goes for his Springboard Dropkick, but MVP ducks and Jericho goes crashing to the outside as we go to commercial.

We’re back and Jericho has a wear down hold. MVP charges out but Jericho pulls down the middle rope, sending MVP to the outside now. I kinda hope Jericho wins, so we can have him and Big Show on a beach together. No homo. After some more punishment outside, Jericho rolls MVP back into the ring. Jericho tries to cheat with a pin attempt with his foot on the ropes, but MVPs shoulder is up anyways. Jericho goes for a Body Slam, but MVP gets a Small Package! ONE! TWO! THR- NO! Jericho stops that comeback with a clothesline to the back of the head. He slaps on a Sleeper, now, and the crowd has a sizeable “MVP” chant going. MVP kicks his way out of the Sleeper and gets a Quick Roll Up for 2. He goes for a Double Axe Handle off the second rope, but Jericho ducks. MVP hit’s the ropes and nails a Flying Clothesline for 2. Jericho thwarts another comeback with a Bulldog, but misses the Lionsault! He lands on his feet, and gets a double thrust to the throat! Knee to the face! BALLIN! NO! Jericho sweeps the leg and gets the WALLS OF JERICHO! MVP IS CLOSE TO TAPPING OUT! But he doesn’t! ROLL UP! ONE! TWO! THRE- KICKOUT! MVP charges… BIG BOOT! ONE! TWO! THRE- NO! MVP goes for the Playmaker… Jericho reverses out! CODEBREAKER! NO! MVP holds onto the ropes! JACKNIFE COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE!

Recap of Dusty Rhodes as Guest Host last week. This was a great swerve and turn. It made sense, and it was logical, but nobody saw it coming. This sets up John Cena vs. Cody Rhodes tonight. I don’t see why they don’t just do DX and Cena vs. Legacy. That’d be a huge main event, and it’s set up perfectly. Whatever. Now we’ve got a probable squash over Rhodes, and it means less than it should.

Backstage, Kelly Kelly and Bob Barker go over one of his charities. HHH tries the “PRICE IS WRONG BITCH” but Shawn cuts him off. He poignantly asks if he can get Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase can get spayed and neutered? No, but DX CAN spin the wheel to pick their opponents tonight. The first? Chris Masters. The second? Randy Orton! That should be cool to see Orton have to team with someone who’s not a Second Generation Superstar like he is.

I missed something. Came in with Chavo being able to win a car if he beats his opponent… EVAN BOURNE! NO HONRSWAGGLE! FUCK YES! I’m excited.

Lock up to start, and Chavo gets in a cheap shot after a clean break. He’s suitably aggressive, he wants that damn car! AND he’s probably motivated due to not having to fight in a random comedy match. Chavo sets Bourne up top and kicks away at his ribs, and follows that up with an Abdominal Stretch. The man’s focused, that’s for sure. Bourne fights out and falls on top of Chavo for a 2 count. Chavo tries to stay on Bourne, but he just goes to town with kicks to the leg. Chavo catches one and tosses him up… Hurricanrana! Flying Elbow! Bourne goes to the second and hit’s a Springboard, turn around Enziguri! That was pretty rad. Chavo cuts off Bourne’s offense, but takes a knee to the face in the corner for his troubles! Bourne goes for a Top Rope Rana, but Chavo moves! Bourne BOUNCES off and Chavo covers! ONE! TWO! THR- KICKOUT! Chavo hit’s the Triple Vertical Suplexes, in honor of his Uncle, and the crowd doesn’t even care. No cheers, no boos, and that upsets me. Hornswaggle comes down and… squirts Chavo with water? Not that it was harmful… unless it was acid… but it wasn’t. Chavo goes to get some payback, but Bourne rolls him up! ONE! TWO! THREE! No car for you, Chavo.

Backstage, John Cena walks. Good for him.

Rhodes is out to justify what happened last week. He is still a member of Legacy, and his dad does NOT dictate whether he is a Main Eventer or not. He’s doing this all on his own, and he’s going to prove it when he makes Cena tap tonight. He reminds us that Dusty said there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for his son. Well, there’s nothing Cody wouldn’t do for his career. Really solid little promo that explains things, and gives Cody another layer of depth to his character.

In a few years, hell maybe even a couple, this is going to be a headliner match. A year ago, Cody would’ve been petrified to fight Cena. Now? He’s got the confidence and track record that makes him believe he’s got a chance. But we all know that this match isn’t to elevate Cody. It’s to try and injure Cena any way he can, to soften him up for Orton at Breaking Point in 6 days. Think of him as Austin Aries’ (Randy Orton’s) Roderick Strong. He’s talented and deadly, but he’s the road block for Cena. To the match. Cody starts out with a Headlock, but that’s quickly squashed and he gets Flap Jacked onto the canvas and bails as we go to commercial.

We’re back as Cena is hitting his Fisherman’s Suplex. Bulldog from Cena gets a 2 count. BAAAAAAACK BODY DROP sends Cody to the outside again, but this time Cena follows. That’s a terrible idea, as Cody moves, sending Cena head first into the announce table. Back in the ring, Cody stays right on Cena with some forearms, punches and kicks. Belly to Belly looks to turn the tide in Cena’s favor but Cody stops that with a clothesline. Rhodes is really keeping the pressure on. Rhodes gets a SWEET take down to stop another Cena come back. They both stop each others’ submissions by kicking the other away, and Cody gets a Russian Leg Sweep for 2. Cody slows things down with a Camel Clutch-ish move. Cena has the strength advantage, though, and just powers his way out of it. He misses a charge, however, and Cody puts on a Fujiwara Armbar! It takes him a while, but Cena fights out of that and hoists him up for the Attitude Adjustment, but Cody wiggles out. Cena makes his comeback, now, nailing Shoulder Tackles and the Throwback! Leg Drop to the back of the head misses! Rhodes now slaps on a Figure Four on Cena! You’d think this is terrible psychology by Rhodes, using so many random submissions, but it just shows off that he knows plenty of submissions that he can use at Breaking Point. Cena pretty calmly removes Cody’s leg from it’s grip and maneuvers to get Cody into the STF! Here’s Randy Orton, sliding into the ring! The ref rings for the bell right as Cena drops Orton to the mat for the STF, but Orton claws his way out and away from it. Rhodes attacks from behind! That doesn’t last long at all as he gets the Attitude Adjustment!

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back with more Bob Barker. Santino, Jillian Hall and IRS are all still at their positions for the show. The new contestant? Chicago White Sox’ own A.J. Pyrzinski…? Not confused about him being picked, just how to spell his name. The crowd, pro-Cubs, is booing him. AJ goes ahead and very obviously flips the crowd off, using the cover of showing off his World Series ring. That’s pretty awesome. They’re bidding on a trip to Wrestlemania XXVI! Kinda silly to do that with 3 wrestlers on the roster who are already going to be AT Mania. AJ bids $1000. IRS bids $2000. Jillian bids $5000. Santino bids 1$1200. Retail price is $1240! SANTINO WINS! The gift he’ll be bidding on? A hot tub! Does it come with the Bella twins? That’d be pretty nice. Santino asks “Roberto” if it comes with the Bella Twins so he can make some Santino and Bells soup. Good thinking, but the answer is a no. His game? BODY SLAM CHALLENGE! Whoever wins, is the first to Body Slam their opponent. His opponent? The Big Show! I personally was thinking it’d be Henry, but then I guess it probably works better if it’s a heel.

Attempt #1? Thwarted. Big Show hoists Santino up like he’s an empty backpack. Barker says Show now gets a chance to win the hot tub, and his new opponent is… Mark Henry! Pretty cool, I think. Again, this should have a pretty good aura about it.

Body Slam Challenge: Mark Henry vs. The Big Show

Why the hell was Big Show’s music playing when we got back from commercial? He was already out there when Henry was making his way down to the ring. They’re slugging it out, trying to soften the other up for a Body Slam attempt. Henry’s first attempt doesn’t even get Show off his feet. Show’s own attempts don’t get him much, either. Henry falls on top of Show after a failed attempt, but the ref reminds Henry he can’t win by pin fall. Show goes for some more Body Slams, but it’s Mark Henry who finally pulls it off! Good sized pop for that one.

Backstage, it’s Josh Matthews with Bob Barker. They go over some infamous moments on the Price Is Right.

Chavo is upset about losing. Bob Barker FUCKING DROPS HIM with a punch. William Regal who? Big Show who?

DX vs. Randy Orton and Chris Masters

After entrances and such, this should have 10-15 minutes. Cool with me. Masters and HBK start us out. Masters uses his power early to get an advantage, but HBK uses his speed to almost catch him with a Superkick. Masters bails, however, as we go to commercial. I like it when matches have a quick start to get the faces their shine, but does it have to happen multiple times every show?

Sorry, people. Power went out. I came back with HBK hitting a Backdrop Suplex, and HHH getting tagged in. He goes for the Pedigree, but Orton backdrops him out. RKO attempt is blocked, and HHH hits his “Suck It” Knee Drop. HBK is in, now. Orton blocks a charge with his boot, and Masters is tagged in. HBK tries to comeback with chops, but gets caught for a Back Breaker. Masters goes right to work on the back. Tag-out to Orton, who is slow and clinical like always. He drops a knee, now, on HBK for a 2 count. Masters in and whips HBK hard into the corner. 2 count. He tosses HBK to the outside, so Orton can capitalize and work HBK over some more while the ref’s back is turned. Back in the ring, Masters gets another 2 count. More ref distraction and Orton drops a multitude of forearms to the chest. Tag, and Orton’s legal now. Orton waits for HBK to slowly make it to his feet, making no attempt to pick him up. When HBK is finally up to his feet, Orton just drops him again with a perfectly placed Drop Kick. That’s just a cool, subtle way to tell the story of Orton being super and overly confident. HBK hits his Flying Forearm. Orton gets the hot tag first, but HBK nips up and tags in HHH! High Knee to Masters, and a Neck Breaker get 2! Masters reverses a whip but gets a knee to the face for his troubles. HHH turns around and hit’s a Spinebuster on Masters, followed by a tag to HBK and the ELBOW DROP! He’s tuning up the band! Orton tries to stop him, but HBK punches him off the apron! SWEET CHIN MUS- NO! Masters ducks the kick and slaps on the Masterlock! HBK is fading and slowly crumbling to the ground! HHH in with the save! HBK then IMMEDIATELY nails a Superkick on Masters! Orton charges but HHH drops him! SIMULTANEOUS SUBMISSIONS! MASTERS TAPS!

HHH has Orton in the Sharp Shooter, while HBK has Masters in the Figure Four! Rhodes and DiBiase come out to help Orton, but they’re chased and attacked by DX! Orton avoids the beat down and hides out at the top of the ramp. Backstage, DX are just unmercifully beating down Legacy. They end up making their way outside, and Cody gets a chair. HBK avoids it, however, and Cody runs away into a car! Not their car, though, which is pretty funny to me.

Meanwhile, Orton is back in the ring and puts over his will to keep the World Title, and that Rhodes and DiBiase will win as well. Cena is out and looking particularly pissed. He charges down the ramp and tackles Orton, giving us a taste of what it’ll be like between them at Breaking Point. But back in the ring, Orton outsmarts Cena and ends up hitting him with the Second Rope Assisted DDT! He goes and gets a chair on the outside and unfolds it in the ring. Slowly….. Slowly….. Slowly…. RKO ONTO THE OPEN CHAIR! Now THAT’S sending a message. Orton tells an unconscious Cena that on Sunday, he will say “I Quit!” And that’s the show, folks.

Another good, really fun episode of Raw. Two very good matches in the under card, the Bob Barker stuff was fun and never felt tedious, and it was a good hard sell for the PPV this Sunday. You’ll hear no complaints from me. See you all next week when TRISH STRATUS guest hosts Raw!

 

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The review will be brief. It’s late, I’m tired, completely spent from the show. Also, I’m using the English version of the name, because I like it better. Go figure.

First off, it was a really good show. Fun the entire way through, high energy, REALLY high highs, very few lows.

Match 1: Johnny Goodtime, Jerome Robinson and Shayne Haste def. The Cutlers and Charles Mercury, and Los Luchas and Malachi Jackson

Crazy match, started out with the highspots immediately. They kept the action flowing throughout, with only a short beat down section from the Cutlers and Mercury. Really solid opener that started the energy off right away. ***

Match 2: Candace LeRae def. Christie Von Eerie

Very stiff match from the ladies. Christie is a punk rocker looking chick. Surprisingly, she busted out a Pedigree on the ring apron. Sick stuff. I hope Christie gets another shot, though I can’t imagine it being against anyone other than Candace. **

Match 3: Scott Lost def. Human Tornado

Solid match on the card. Not overwhelmingly great, but that isn’t a knock on it. Not every match has to be a show stealer. I had fun watching it, and I’m sure it’ll come off pretty well on DVD as well. **½

Match 4: Roderick Strong def. Karl Anderson

GREAT match, it was back and forth and give and take and just worlds ahead of what happened so far on the show. They had an unpredictable finishing stretch, and Karl Anderson looked really good here even while taking a loss. ****

Match 5: Naruki Doi def. Joey Ryan

Sort’ve an unassuming type of match. Not bad by any stretch of the imagination, I’m sure some would get more out of this than me, but it didn’t do a lot for me. I guess it would’ve been better if it hadn’t come after the fantastic Strong/Anderson match. It’ll probably come off better on DVD. **½

Match 6: SHINGO def. El Generico

FANTASTIC match, my pick for match of the night up to this point. The beginning was solid enough, but this just shined when it got to the finishing stretch. Absolutely amazing, with unbelievable kick outs (In the good way) and a frenetic pace. The intensity in this match was impressive and frightening. I could’ve watched this for days and not gotten bored of it. ****¼

Match 7: CIMA and The Motor City Machine Guns def. Brian Kendrick and The Young Bucks

This match was actually fairly low on false finishes, which I thought was fantastic. It used a lot of innovation, a lot of spots and a LOT of damn stiff kicks. Nothing I can say would do this much justice . Suffice to say, you won’t e disappointed. ***¾

Match 8: PWG World Title Match: Bryan Danielson def. Chris Hero to become the NEW PWG WORLD CHAMPION

Yes, you read that right. Danielson won his second PWG World Title in pretty damn grand fashion. He broke out, what I can only think to call it, a Chicken Wing Submission using his legs to trap Hero’s arm, and then just PULLED on his chin with both hands. It was a fantastic match, and clearly biased by a live impression that it left on me, but my rating of it, I feel, is spot on. The emotion, the intensity and everything just fed into this match and the thought that Chris Hero would win and retain his title, like he should have. Like we all figured he would. We in the crowd went pretty ballistic at this point, as I just couldn’t believe they actually let him win the belt on his way out. Really, really classy. ****½

After the match, Danielson got on the mic and said that he just felt humbled by the reception he always gets in PWG. He’s a small town guy from Aberdeen, Washington, and he’s 1100 miles away from home when he comes to PWG. But we make him feel like family, and it’s an honor to hold the World Title to prove he’s still the best in the world. But he cannot defend the belt, and we deserve a quality Main Event World Title Match every show. So he decides to relinquish the title. But not after informing us that the belt will be up for grabs in the 2009 BATTLE OF LOS ANGELES! I’m not going to lie, I called this the second I came down from my high of Danielson winning. I’m super excited, and with that added importance, I think it more than makes up for the losses of Danielson and McGuiness to the mix. Not that they were official or written in stone, but Nigel has been in the last two, and Danielson would for sure otherwise be in the mix.

Really, really good show tonight. The beginning of the show wasn’t amazing, didn’t really stand out much like, say, Threemendous II or DDT4 this year. From Strong/Anderson and on, besides Doi/Ryan, this was a spectacular show and keep up the run of good-amazing shows PWG has been putting on this past year.

OH! And PWG announced a show on October 2^nd (My birthday, people.) with one match already announced: PWG World Tag Team Title Match. The Young Bucks vs. Men of Low Moral Fiber (Chuckie T and Kenny O) which should be a spectacular match, if their DDT4 match is any indication. Anyways, that’s all, folks. See you on Monday for the Raw Report!

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We start the show off with the guest host… DUSTY RHODES! How do you not move a little bit in your seat when you hear this song? It’s impossible. 100% not possible. I really hope he goes the same way as Ted DiBiase, furthering the Legacy tension. It’s not likely, but it would be really nice. Hell, maybe have Rhodes and DiBiase fight in a partner vs. partner match. I think that would be a good match. That or he has an awkward moment with his son, Goldust. That one certainly didn’t turn out the way he wanted.

Dusty has a mic, which is always a good thing, and he defends his son, Cody, a little bit. He says he’s proud of him and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for his son. WHAT ABOUT DUSTIN!? WHYS HE WEARING WIGS, GOD DAMNIT! And, hey, Dusty makes a Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes WWE Championship match for tonight! Glad I called that one. And he’ll be in his son’s corner! The referee? John Cena!

The American Dream is cut off by Randy Orton, however, who comes out and is pretty miffed about that for obvious reasons. He looks like a cancer patient when his head is that shaved. A really ripped cancer patient, but still. Orton says Cody looks up to him more than he ever did his own father. SNAP. Dusty thinks Cody is better and more athletically gifted. Orton asks for one good reason why he shouldn’t punt Dusty in the head again like he did 2 years ago.

Cody Rhodes’ music hits, and call me a sucker but I’m really digging this. Cody says himself and Orton are associates, but Dusty? He’s family. And this is an opportunity he simply can’t pass up. But it’s not personal. This is only business. Orton’s reaction? “So the fix is in!?” Dusty’s response? “Oh, you better believe the fix is in!” Hell yes. Another solid opening to Raw and already used it’s guest host to a really great degree.

COMMERCIAL!

Nope.

COMMERCIAL!

Apologies. I had a phone call and missed the beginning of this match. I come back in when MVP is making his comeback. Right hands, a Belly to Belly suplex and the dropping knee! NO! Walls Of Jericho! That was slick. MVP fights it off, and ends up getting the Big Boot! ONE! TWO! THR- KICKOUT! Jericho takes us into the commercial break with dodging the Yakuza Kick in the corner, and hitting the Springboard Dropkick.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back and Jericho is fighting up out of a wear down hold. Irish Whip to the corner but Jericho gets a boot up. Double Axe Handle attempt is blocked from MVP, who gets a punch to the gut. Jericho hit’s a Bulldog, but misses the Lionsault! Jericho is down and MVP gets that smirk on his face… BALLIN’! ONE! TWO! THRE- NO! Crowd thought that was it. MVP goes for the Playmaker! NO! Jericho reverses out into the Walls Of Jericho again! That was slick. SMALL PACKAGE! ONE! TWO! THRE- KICKOUT! Now I thought THAT was it. Both men are up and Jericho hit’s the Codebreaker out of nowhere! ONE! TWO! THREE!

Backstage, HBK, HHH and Dusty Rhodes provide one of the funniest backstage segments in a while. And HHH has a pretty damn impressive Duthty Rhodeth impression. I mean this had no impression on anything long term, but it had me rolling. That’s what I’m all about, daddy. Baby? Sucka? Chump? So many random and general names can end a sentence there, in wrestling.

COMMERCIAL!

Little bit of a different rule, here, as you have to tie up your opponent. Question, though: Why doesn’t Chavo just attack Hornswaggle from behind when Horny is the first to enter the ring? Whatever. Wrestling logic. Chavo is out in a a cow suit, and I’m A-OK with that. Ref says he has something for him… THE TOP! Chavo is less than enthused. Horny gets some comedy in, pulling his tail and riding him. Chavo stops that shit right quick with a big boot. He makes the same mistake he does every match with Horny, though, and goes for the Frog Splash. Horny pulls him down by the rope, and hog ties him for the win.

Aftermatch, Horny gets a Toad Splash on Chavo. OK.

COMMERCIAL!

This should have a great aura surrounding it. They even did a tale of the tape. I dig that. The match itself probably won’t be amazing, and I have no problem with it. The stare down should be more than enough to get the crowd (and myself) hyped up for this one. Henry is ready for Henry to bring it. They lock up, and Henry pushes him away. Nice. Show is annoyed. Lock up again, and Show pushes him away again. This time, Show asks for a test of strength. Despite the 8” of height he’s got on Henry, he gets pushes down, so he takes the heel way out and cheats. He tries for some head butts, but that does NOTHING. Show goes for the SHHHH chop, but Henry stops that! HEADLOCK! Show just can’t break it. He finally gets to the ropes, clean break… kick to the gut by Show! Whips him into the ropes, but NO! Henry blocks it, and whips Show into the ropes…. FUCKIN’ SPEAR! That takes down Henry REAL quick. Show dominates for a little bit but Henry makes a quick comeback. Splashes in the corner! SPLASH knocks Big Show down! BIG SPLASH! ONE! TWO! THR- KICKOUT! Show sells to the corner and stars taking off a turnbuckle pad, and the ref sees it. Henry charges in… SPLASH! RIGHT to the metal turnbuckle! Bell rings and this match is over!

After the match, Show loads up… BIG PUNCH knocks Henry right down. I’m looking forward to that tag match at the PPV.

Backstage, Orton reminds Cody that what happens in the ring tonight is just business. Nothing personal.

COMMERCIAL!

Backstage, HHH, HBK and Dusty Rhodes top the first segment with… just look for it online. Seriously. Words can’t do it justice. Not one bit.

This should be spotty fun, maybe more if it gets some time. We start out fast and furious with the spots Kofi takes us to the commercial break with a no-hands tope onto the three heels. Very impressive, he didn’t even snip the ropes or anything.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back and Swagger has Kofi in a Single Leg Boston Crab. Miz breaks that up with a neck breaker to Swagger. Miz whips Kofi into the corner but gets Springboard Dropkicked by Carlito! This action is pretty damn fast, hard to keep up with. Kofi is playing a great baby face here, getting most of the high spots and breaking up the pinfall attempts. The finishers come in droves, now, with Miz hitting the Reality Check on Swagger, getting a 2-count, with Carlito breaking that up and hitting the Back Stabber on Miz, and Kofi sliding in and hitting the TROUBLE IN PARADISE! ONE! TWO! THREE!

COMMERCIAL!

Whoo. Look at me care.

Backstage, more absolute greatness. SHOCKMASTER! SHOCKMASTER! ARN ANDERSON! DUSTY RHODES! HHH! HBK! SHOCKMASTER! SANTINO MARELLA! Wow. I…I don’t know. What’d we do to deserve such an amazing episode of Raw?

COMMERCIAL!

Backstage, John Cena talks to Josh Matthews. If you don’t get pumped up by a John Cena promo, you’re just actively looking for things to hate the guy for. He’s got “it”, and he proves it just about every week.

COMMERCIAL!

Special Guest Host next week? BOB FUCKING BARKER! LET’S MAKE A DEAL! ….Bitch.

I’ll be honest, I was hoping Cena would have a green and black referee shirt. His pat down on Orton is pretty funny. Dusty Rhodes gets on the steps and simply says “Cena, I’m sorry. But I’d do anything as a father to help out my son” AND RHODES AND ORTON BEAT DOWN CENA! That was actually pretty unexpected, even though it isn’t the first time they’ve done that with a guest host. ORTON WITH AN RKO ON DUSTY! Cody is PISSED and looks like he’s going to tear a hole in Orton, who isn’t even looking at him. Crowd is loudly chanting “CODY!”

Think about that for a second. He just beat down HHH, HBK and Cena. Arguably the top 3 faces in WWE, with Undertaker (And Jeff Hardy) in the mix as well. He’s in the ring with those three, and the crowd is chanting for CODY. THAT, friends, is what you call a well-booked angle, and a great “tune in next week” type of ending.

Sure, they might not follow up on it next week, but they will eventually, and the beginnings are there. That’s all I can ask for, because they’re clearly shooting for a long-term angle with Legacy. The rest of the show was actually really, really solid, with very little in the way of filler. Every show will have filler, but this show accentuated the positive. We had two solid mid card matches in the Jericho/MVP match and US Title 4-way, alongside Big Show/Henry being fine in it’s own right, and the Women’s Title match wasn’t bad at all. The in between backstage spots with DX and Rhodes was hilarious. This was just one of my favorite Raw’s in a long time, and if you read my reports, I’ve liked quite a few lately. And backed it up with WHY. Hope you all liked the show as well, and I’ll see you next week!

 

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Floyd “Money” Mayweather is our host tonight.

We start Raw off with Orton explaining last night’s match. The “fan” that interfered last night and attacked the ref was Ted DiBiase Jr.’s younger brother, Brett DiBiase. Well that’s nice, at least. Orton isn’t as happy and tells him to NEVER do that again.

We start Raw off PROPER now with Vince McMahon! Vince seems pretty sprightly, and why shouldn’t he? These guest Gm’s have been working out pretty well, all things considered. He wants to introduce the guest host himself, who is pretty soundly booed from the crowd. And while it was controversial, the ref’s decision is final. There will be a rematch, though, in 3 weeks at WWE’s new PPV, Breaking Point. It will be a Submission Match, or hey, even an I Quit match. Vince goes to leave… AND DX IS OUT! HBK’s camo pants rules the world, folks. Accept it.

I love the concept of DX, by the way. They get huge money from the nostalgia, HHH and HBK get to have fun while not necessarily being in the title hunt. So while they might be the focus of shows, it’s in a different capacity. HHH doesn’t like happy-Vince, though. It’s like Michael Vick at a PETA convention. HA! HBK has it! It’s SOMEBODIES BIRTHDAY! HHH isn’t perceptive enough to get it on the 1^st or 2^nd try, though.

They give Vince a video tribute that slowly turns into a mocking type of video. Which has amazing dancing spliced in with HHH and HBK dancing next to Vince. So good.

Next out, is a Birthday cake! But they’re in Vegas, and they do things differently here! Apparently, I’m not sure if this is true or not, but you can’t have a birthday without Showgirls. For the first time in his life, Vince is NOT appeased by boobies. Maybe he’ll be appeased by…. CIRQUE DE SOLEI! Damnit I really wish one of them had fallen.

Vince: Those masks are really gay.

Next out… THE KING HIMSELF! ELVIS! Son of a bitch, they landed the real Elvis! And now…

THE FAT OILY GUY! Sorry, I got in the routine of caps. Vince is pissed, and tosses him out. HHH and HBK kick everyone else out of the ring, because they want this to be a private thing. And they’re being pretty picky about the positioning. It makes NO difference! Rhodes and DiBiase come in and attack DX! Orton slowly walks down the ramp and HHH says since Mayweather isn’t here yet, he’ll make a match himself. Legacy vs. DX… AND VINCE MCMAHON! NO DISQUALIFICATION MATCH! Oh, now that is just going to be fun. That might have been needlessly long, as it was ¼ of the show, but it’s clear that they had to do that because Mayweather isn’t there yet. So making the best out of a bad situation, I really enjoyed that.

COMMERCIAL!

The match won’t be much, but it’ll help Miz get more heat, which is good. Santino gets in a couple moves, but Miz quickly takes over and slaps on a wear down hold. The crowd gets behind him but Miz cuts off the comeback. Only for a minute, and Santino gets in some crowd-friendly offense in. Miz dodges a dive and then hit’s the Reality Check for the 1-2-3!

Backstage, absolutely yes for Mickie James, Kelly Kelly and Gail Kim in boxing outfits. Hell yes.

COMMERCIAL!

Sure, of course the black woman in the match had to look like Apolla Creed. That is all.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back and HHH and HBK are doing a cheap plug for their new shirts and the Rise and Fall of WCW. HBK thinks they need Vince to get mad for the match, and HHH has it covered right… about… now.

We switch to Vince’s room and Jillian Hall starts singing happy birthday, Marilyn Monroe style! “GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!” Win.

Big Show and Chris Jericho are out, and he calls Mayweather out. He’s not leaving until Mayweather comes out here! YEAH! AND NO ONE CAN MAKE JERICHO LEAVE EITHER! TELL ‘EM CHRIS JERICHO!

There’s Mayweather walking through the back, talking to… I don’t even know. But he says yeah, a lot, so I guess he’s happy. He’s got the entourage with him, as well.

COMMERCIAL!

Back, and Floyd shows no fear, getting right up in Big Show’s face. Jericho thinks he’s a great self promoter and nothing else. They get up in his face, when MVP comes out. Great, great, great promo from MVP. He asks Mayweather to make a match tonight, and if MVP and his partner win, they get a Title Shot at Breaking Point. His partner? MARK FUCKING HENRY! HELL YEAH!

COMMERCIAL!

This should be another match that isn’t amazing quality wise, but the crowd is into everyone in there so they’ll respond and be lively to keep the energy high. We’re JIP to MVP hitting a huge Yakuza Kick to Jericho in the corner, but a blind-tag gets Big Show in the ring to take over the pace. MASTERLOC- Wrong wrestler, I apologize. Full Nelson on MVP, followed by a Full Nelson Slam. Jericho in and he covers MVP for 2. Jericho and MVP work a great double down, as MVP keeps going for the tag but Jericho keeps grabbing his leg and pulling him back. That’s going to get the crowd REALLY molten for the hot tag. Jericho stays on MVP, stopping yet ANOTHER hot tag and the crowd is still staying hot for the tag. Big Show gets tagged in and starts working over MVP’s knee, getting him some good sympathy heat. It doesn’t hurt that MVP is selling really well. Jericho gets the tag in and we get a double down as we go to commercial!

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back and MVP is STILL getting worked over. I would love to see this match live, as it’s getting a pretty sizeable amount of time. Jericho spends too much time jawing with the crowd, and misses the Lionsault. MVP FINALLY makes the tag and Henry is in a house of fire! Code Breaker! NO! Henry catches him! WORLDS STRONGEST SLAM! NO! DDT by Jericho! Things completely break down at this point, which is code for me being so into the match instead of just reviewing it. The finish came when Mayweather slipped MVP the knux and he drilled Jericho for the 1-2-3!

COMMERCIAL!

Chavo gets special sized gloves. I know these are wearing thin on a bunch of people, but these all make me laugh. And hey, this is my review, so that’s all that matters. Chavo gets sick of this fighting fair shit, takes the gloves off, and Body Slams Horny for the DQ. Evan Bourne comes out to stop a beat down, though, and pops the crowd with his SHOOTING STAR PRESS!

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back, and Vince is training with Mayweather. Carlito comes in and says Floyd is doing a terrible job as Guest Host. DX comes in and begs to differ. Vince needs to pay attention to training, though, and HHH astutely points out “Yeah, so I can get more time to have sex with your daughter.” Floyd puts his punch pad to Carlito’s face. Down goes Carlito.

HHH: Ya know, I was just kidding, but it’s good to know you’re paying attention.

HBK: Now THAT was cool.

Fantastic. I love it.

COMMERCIAL!

Quick start as HBK gets back dropped over the top rope to the outside onto Legacy. Rhodes gets tossed over the top and he hit’s a just standing again Orton and DiBiase, as we go to break.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back and DiBiase has HHH in a wear down hold. DiBiase goes for the Dream Street but gets DDTed. HBK gets the hot tag and he’s all over DiBiase. ELBOW DROP BY HBK! But RIGHT as he gets up, Rhodes runs in and drills him with a Bulldog! That is a great sequence of spots to set up the second beat down and second hot tag of the match. Orton is in, and makes every one of his foot stomps look so lethal, because he keeps his foot there, and just walks over him to glare at the crowd. Little things, people, little things. Rhodes is in, now, and slaps on a Cravate. HBK powers out of it to the delight of the crowd, and evades a Reverse DDT only to get stomped. I love that, because it makes the match seem more like a fight and not a series of spots. Rhodes drags HBK over and gets in Orton. He slaps on his trademark working Chinlock, and he REALLY cranks the shit out of it. Crowd is getting lively again, and the crowd wills him to his feet to hit a Backdrop Suplex on Orton! There are few better in this business at dramatic selling than HBK. Orton gets the tag first and Rhodes knocks HBK and Vince off the apron. That lasts all of 4 seconds, and HHH gets the hot tag. He cleans house and hit’s the big knee and Spinebuster! VINCE WANTS IN! PEDIGREE TO RHODES! TAG! ONE! TWO! THRE- NO! ORTON IN AND SAVES! HE GETS READY FOR THE PUNT TO VINCE’S HEAD! NO! HBK STOPS IT WITH A FLYING FOREARM! Orton says FUCK THIS SHIT and bails… CENA’S MUSIC HITS! He punches Orton back down to ringside and slides him into the ring, SUPERKICK! ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT! VINCE with the cover! ONE! TWO! THREE!

I really liked this Raw. Mayweather was hardly there, but he did set up the Tag Title Match at Breaking Point, and that’s a good thing. The rest was either fairly solid or wildly entertaining. Nothing atrocious this week, for sure, and this was just a super fun week. Nothing earth shattering, but it never dragged for me.

 

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Alright, here we go. Onto the wrasslin’…

Raw starts out with FREDDIE PRINZE JR.! OMG!!!~! Sorry. It’s the Sarah Michelle Gellar mark in me. Why can’t SHE host Raw? Freddie looks old. Which is weird. At least he’s stoked to be there. Seriously, that’s the difference between a celebrity who comes and gets paid, and a celebrity who is happy and PROUD to be there. Prinze wants to start Summerslam TONIGHT! Longest. Pay Per View. Ever. HA! Some ominous music hits, and they have someone who looks like the villain from I Know hat You Did Last Summer. It’s a hoax, as it’s just Santino. “FREDDIE THE PRINZE GERR! Mother of God, this is amazing. I just missed recapping ALL of that. He tried to audition for… well… every type of movie Prinze has been in “Look… I have glasses and a-baggy clothes… I must be a nerd… and you’re going to make a bet with The Fast And The Furious man…” “Or I could be in 24… WHERE IS THE BOMB LILLIANS!? YOU’RE GOING TO TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO KNOW!” Prinze is stoked “At least there wasn’t a Scooby Doo joke in there.” Prinze Jr. says he has a sick Main Event set up and isn’t going to wai-

Orton’s music hits, and he WILL make us wait. Orton doesn’t want to fight tonight, doesn’t HAVE to fight tonight, and WON’T fight tonight. “This is your HOMETOWN, Randy. And you don’t want to work?” He’s good, folks, and makes me wish he’d kept his spot on the booking team. Orton says he has nothing in common with these people, he doesn’t need them, it’s all about him. Yadda yadda yadda. “Randy… you know I respect you, but do I look like Seth Green? Jeremy Piven?” Amazing. Prinze goes to walk away, but Orton grabs him by the neck and gives him his awkward Back Breaker. Prinze probably BEGGED to take a bump, and I can’t blame him. He got to sell and do what he’s been wanting to do since he was a kid. GREAT opening to the show tonight. It was funny, productive, and started the show off perfectly. Hopefully this isn’t Prinze’s only segment of the match. That would make me a sad panda bear.

COMMERCIAL!

Damnit. Prinze got taken to a medical facility. That means no more Freddie as guest host. Balls.

Also, I didn’t watch Superstars, but that dodge of Kofi’s mounting Ten Punch in the corner, and then bringing him down with the Back Stabber… that’s a PPV level finish. Really sad they wasted it on Superstars. Then again, that probably just means Carlito won’t be winning the belt.

Back and forth action until Carlito knocks Kingston out of the ring. Anyone remember reading The Rock’s book and how he did the Leapfrog/No look Leapfrog and Patterson immediately saw “STAR” in him? Yeah. Now Kofi is busting it out and it gets 0 reaction. Sad.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back and Carlito has on a wear down hold. During the break. Kofi went for a Springboard, but got caught in mid air with a dropkick. Me likee. Kofi starts making his comeback but that gets cut off with a Big Boot. Cover for a 2 count. Another comeback and this time Kofi makes it, hitting the Russian Leg Sweep. Really liking that Impact cover he has. Wish I could explain it. Leaping Clothesline gets followed up by the BOOM BOOM Leg Drop! Kofi hit’s the corner… and Springboards back for a Crossbody! Awkward spot that looked like Kofi was going to do a Push-Up European Uppercut! They bring it in big time with the false finishes, and I’m surprised. This reminded me of the match Miz had with Kofi earlier this year, when it got way more time than anyone expected, and really shined because of it. Kingston pulls the victory out, though, hitting the Trouble In Paradise for the 1-2-3!

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back and go over the history of DX. I’m surprised they showed the more crude ones of HBK. They’d been pretty good about giving him the “tamer” old footage.

Miz is out, now, and he’s got a new look. Downgraded to a Speedo. He reminds me of Punk, with the Speedo and kick pads for some reason. I thought he just got all dressed and oiled up to do a promo, but before we go to commercial, I’m told he’s fighting Evan Bourne. Sounds good to me, yo.

COMMERCIAL!

Very sizeable pop for Bourne, which makes me happy. Miz starts out strong, stomping on Bourne in the corner. Body Slam attempt sees Bourne slide out, hit the ropes and nails an elbow. In the corner, he hit’s a leaping Dropkick. A lariat slows Bourne done a lot and Miz just works away at him. Slick submission, getting Bourne in a Double Underhook and just sitting down on his legs, pulling him up. He stays working on the back, and Bourne tries to mount some offense to no avail, however. Miz has Bourne in the corner and rushes in for the clothesline with his feet through the ropes. Which I find hilarious, since Sydal was the first person I ever saw do that. Spinning Heel Kick catches Miz in mid air, and Bourne follows Miz to the outside with double knees. A kick to the head and a rana get a close 2 count for Bourne. Standing Moonsault gets 2. Crowd is popping for Bourne to hit the Shooting Star Press, but Miz sweeps the legs. Bourne goes for a Victory Roll, but Miz pushes him forward and hit’s the Reality Check for the 1-2-3!

COMMERCIAL!

A Recap of last week’s search for HBK.

HHH and HBK arrive to Raw, and have a pretty damn entertaining walk. Yeah, seriously. HBK Superkicks Jillian Hall, and Santino sneaks up from behind “FREEZE! CTU!” Superkick. “You know he wasn’t trying to hurt you, right?” “Oh, yeah, I know.” “Oh, ok. That was pretty cool, right? Didn’t even lose your hat” “Yup.” “It’s like your hair is attached to the hat” “Yup, that’s it.”

DX make their way to the ring and get a slow-starting “DX” chant. The crowd is mildly ready. And by mildly, I mean 100%. The crowd pandering is a distraction, though, and Legacy attack HHH and HBK from behind! Sure it telegraphs HHH and HBK winning (Which should be obvious to everyone anyways) but heat is heat, and Legacy got some solid heat for this.

Oh, great. I go to take an ill-timed bowl movement, not sure what I missed, and come back to… a Women’s Title Match. Granted, Kim and Mickie could have a great match, but with all my woman-hating, I can’t help but think karma.

Just so I don’t become a hypocrite or a liar, I cannot in good conscience give this match PBP or star ratings. I said only when they do Phoenix vs. Kim. I will say, though, that Mickie’s counter from the Falling Boot to the face into the Single Leg Crab was really slick. Sadly, they botch not one, but TWO finishing spots, and even I have to feel sorry for them. Mickie went for the Leaping DDT, and Kim just kind of crumbled and it looked like a shitty DDT… but Kim didn’t even bother selling it. Then Mickie went to hit her spin kick, but whiffed horribly and followed up with a forearm. Crowd popped, but it was very anti-climactic. Both women looked really upset, and rightfully so.

Recap of earlier with Orton taking out Freddie Prinze Jr.

Backstage, Matthews interviews John Cena. HA! “Orton, we’ve all got problems! I’ve got a huge zit on my face!” “There’s no way I can tag with Orton, he’s too oiled up! There’s no way I can fight The Big Show! I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO READ!” Crowd was actually mostly for Cena. Nice change of pace. Jericho interrupts, as does Big Show. Good promo from Cena, but the crowd was absolutely silent at Show and Jericho trying to intimidate Cena. That was sad.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back from the commercial, JIP. MVP is fired up and really bringing the intensity to Swagger, never giving him a chance to catch his breath. And right as I say that, Swagger starts to take control of the match. Thanks jackass. Swagger just PUNISHES MVP in the corner but doesn’t break at 5, so the ref DQ’s him. Damnit, lame. I thought it would’ve been a better idea for MVP to get DQed due to all the frustration he’s had bent up, but him immediately attacking after Swagger lets up was a good touch, and made it work. They really need to put this match on the Summerslam card, though. It’d e criminal if they didn’t.

Backstage, IT’S YOUR HERO AND MINE! FREDDIE PRINZE JR! WHOO! That’s a MAN, baby!

COMMERCIAL!

On the flip-side, how god damn long are these two going to keep fighting each other? It’s still mildly entertaining, but good lord this has been going on way too long. Horny scrambles to beneath the ring, and Chavo oddly follows. What’s he thinking? Chavo chases Horny up the ramp, and we cut to the backstage cameras. I was about to say this is the most unfunny match yet, but Chavo gets HOME THE FUCK ALONED! Horny set up a bucket on the other side of a door and got hit in the head! HAHAHAHA! Holy shit! McCauley Culkin! “That’s hot funny.”

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back and the guest host of Raw will be… FLOYD MONEY MAYWEATHER! That should be interesting, if nothing else.

Before the match begins, Freddie Prinze Jr. announces that he’s going to take a page out of Orton’s book! This just got changed to a Lumberjack match! Hand picked by Prinze! Whoo!

COMMERCIAL!

We’re JIP with Cena in a bear hug from Big Show. He tries his Superman comeback, but a Flying Shoulder Tackle gets him nowhere, and Show drops him with one of his own. Cena goes for a tag but Orton is having none of it, so Big Show gets to go back to work on Cena. Show charges in the corner, but Cena dropkicks his knee out and Show hit’s the second turnbuckle! Cena slaps Orton in the back pretty damn hard, and Orton immediately gets DRILLED with a spear from Show! Orton rolls to the outside, which is a TERRIBLE idea. I guess he has a shitty short term memory. Orton takes a beat down, now, which is just weird to see as it’s a heel taking a heat segment from… another heel. So the crowd decides to be quiet instead of getting behind any of the heel vs. heel stuff. Again I’m made to look a fool, as the crowd pops for Orton’s desperate Power Slam. This match has had a bunch of false hot tags, and I love it. Cena is REALLY amped for the hot tag, and the crowd pops appropriately loud as they teased it just enough to make the crowd really want Cena in the ring. Cena obviously comes in a house of fire, and promptly hit’s the Attitude Adjustment on Jericho for the 1-2-3!

Almost immediately after the bell, Orton comes in and hits an RKO on Cena! Jericho and Show start to pick off all the Lumberjacks at ringside, but Cena gets to his feet and runs them both off, closing the show.

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We start the show off with WWE Heavyweight Champion, Randy Orton. He says he’s been hearing rumors that he’s afraid of defending his title against John Cena. Not to mention that he bullied Jeremy Piven into taking care of his own dirty work. He’s passionate about his apathetic stance towards the fans.

John Cena breaks up the promo in short order, coming out completely focused on Randy Orton. That probably did more to put the belt over than anything they’ve done in months. He’s so dialed in on that Championship and Randy Orton, he doesn’t pander to the crowd, try to pose and get cheers. He beelines it for Orton. I love it. GREAT promo from Cena. After seeing the card so far, and how great this opening segment is, it’s really apparent that WWE is doing all they can to give Summerslam that Wrestlemania shine and aura. Good for them. Cena and Orton get in an intense stared own, but now THAT is interrupted by the Unified Tag Team Champions, Chris Jericho and The Big Show. Both are lookin’ slick in their suits.

Big Show says neither Cena, nor Orton, know the first thing about intimidation. Sizeable “Y2J” chant. Cena says it’s obvious why everyone’s intimidated by Big Show. It’s because his breath smells like Shaquille O’Neil’s jock strap. BURNED! Jericho actually acknowledges the fact that the fans love him. He says he went to Slaughter and proposed a match, and Slaughter agreed to it. Jericho vs. Cena tonight! And Big Show vs. Orton! Well, one of those should be good. I’ll leave it up to you to figure it out. One guess. No mulligan’s or do-overs.

ATTEEEENNNNTTIIIOIOOONNNNNN!

COMMERCIAL!

Here’s the thing. I don’t like doing commentary for women’s matches. I’m almost never into them (hiyyoooooooo) but this was a pretty solid match. It lasted more than 3 minutes, and they were doing some stuff that GUYS don’t even do in their matches. The two cross bodys by Kim and Kelly Kelly were greatness, Fox kicking Kelly Kelly in mid air was greatness, and this one just really surpassed my expectations. Gail Kim gets the win with her Falling Boot to the face.

Post match, Sgt. Slaughter is out to the entrance ramp. And getting booed up a shit creek. He definitely redeems himself via flattery and Canadian Patriotism with a salute to the Canadian fla- DAMN! We got set up with an anti-Canada sign. I was certainly hoping he’d play a heel, seeing as they’re in Canada and all, but didn’t think we’d actually get it. Excellent. He demands everyone stand and give respect to the US Flag! I approve. WITH the Pledge of Allegiance! That goes about as well as you’d expect. This should be a good guest host episode, with that kind of crowd heat and intensity.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back with a recap of last week with HHH/Legacy. Apparently HHH went to Texas earlier today to look for Shawn. Ya know, for being such close friends, you’d think he’d know where Shawn lived. I mean he CALLED him last week AT HOME.

Hopefully, like I wanted last week, this will get more time than the first two matches. It’s thankfully more lucky, seeing as they cared enough to put out a rubber match between the two. Swagger starts out quick, using his power to dominate. Bourne uses his speed and leverage to come back. WHOA! Bourne dives over the ropes, and lands with his knees on Swagger’s chest. Haven’t seen that variation of it, yet. Bourne goes for another move over the top rope, but he just flips onto Swagger’s knee! Also cool. Swagger works on the back, pulls Bourne’s shoulders back with a knee to the spine. Bourne attacks the knees and gets an elbow to the face, only gets 2 though. Rana by Bourne! NO! POWERBOMB! NO! SMALL PACKAGE! ONE! TWO! THRE- KICKOUT! Bourne knocks Swagger into the corner with a knee, but gets Hip Tossed into the corner! DR. BOMB! ONE! TWO! THREE!

Post-match, MVP gets some pretty good digs on Swagger. Namely the lithp. MVP challenges Swagger to a match tonight, and Swagger says MAYBE… next week. MVP has had enough of the douche-baggery, and pushes Swagger to the canvas.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back, and HHH just sounds like that nagging, annoying wife. He spots HBK, or so he thinks, as it’s just a homosexual man with similar hair. Honest mistake! Across the room, a little girl is ringing a bell, when she gets cut off by THE REAL SHAWN MICHAELS! He doesn’t seem too pleased at the noise. HHH is way more than perplexed at HBK being… a chef?

Back at the arena, Slaughter brings out Celine Dio-… Jillian Hall to sing the American National Anthem! That was beautiful, man!

COMMERCIAL!

Well this is really random and odd. You’d think Eugene is the jobber in this match, since he didn’t even get an entrance, but Calgary Kid? ROCK BOTTOM! ROCK BOTTOM! PEOPLE’S ELBOOOOOOOOWWWWW! Somehow, this doesn’t kill Calgary Kid dead, as he stops Eugene from getting the contract. And gets it for himself.

COMMERCIAL!

This is about as entertaining as we all thought it would be. That’s to say I’ve seen 4 year olds on Razor scooters that are quicker than Big Show is in this match. If Orton was a face, this would work a lot better, but it’s just a heel beating up another heel. Big Show does NOT get residual heat because he’s teamed with Jericho. Now if Jericho came out with Show as his “second”, this would probably work a lot better. As is, the crowd is cheering for Orton’s comeback because Show is just THAT slow and boring. Orton goes for the RKO, but Show tosses him and then hit’s the Chokeslam. He should’ve just hit the Chokeslam in the first place, while Orton was still in the air. Ah well. I really hope this finishes with Show going for another Chokeslam and Orton reversing it into an RKO, ala his match with Undertaker at Wrestlemania 21. It’s not to be, however, as Orton ducks the “Big fat bald” punch by Show, and slides to the outside and takes the Count Out loss.

We go back to HHH and HBK. He says HHH just wouldn’t understand why he left wrestling. He says he gets respect here, but… well… it IS “Bring Your Daughter to work” day, and he gets some tots to the face. He’s just good at what he does though! Well if that’s true, then why is his GRILL on fire? This sadly sounds like the crowd is heatless for all of this, which disappoints me. I think these are pretty funny. Not amazing or anything, but I’m entertained.

COMMERCIAL!

Good. This is a rematch I wanted to see after their Beat The Clock match a few weeks ago. They slug it out to start, only for MVP to go to the second rope and get dragged off by the foot, crashing to the mat. Dropkick by Masters. Crowd gets behind MVP, leading to him tossing Masters with a Belly To Belly. Firmly in control of the match now, with the knee to the face and… and… and… BALLIN’! Playmaker! ONE! TWO! THREE!

After the match, Swagger… swaggers down the entrance ramp and diverts MVP’s attention long enough for Masters to slap on the MASTERLOCK! Swagger grabs the waist… DR. BOMB! This should be a good addition to Summerslam, if they do intend to carry this onto PPV. I certainly hope they do.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back for more HHH/HBK stuff. Hahaha “I thought it was SummerFEST?” Hickenbottom? IT’S A SHOOT! IT’S A SHOOT! SUPERKICK TO THE MANAGER! SUPER KICK TO THE LITTLE ANNOYING GIRL!!! WHOO! Now that was great stuff.

Slaughter is out, again, to bring out… BRET HART!? Or not. HHHOOOOOOO!!! It’s “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan! Well, if nothing else, that made ME happy.

COMMERCIAL!

Fine by me. Henry begs Cody to hit him, so he does. The effect is less than desirable. Legacy ends up isolating Henry, which is probably the last thing I expected going into this one. Sure the heat segment lasted a minute TOPS, but Henry still played the face in peril while partnering with HORNSWAGGLE. Hell, Henry is even his own personal hot tag. WORLDS STRONGEST SLAM! TAD POLE SPLA- nope. DREAMSTREET TO HORNSWAGGLE! ONE! TWO! THREE!

Post match, Legacy says at Summerslam, we’ll witness the shortest lived comeback in history. If we’re not down with that, they’ve got two words for us… TOO BAD!

Backstage, Jericho cuts a promo about getting his first win over Cena in his hometown of Calgary. Show comes in and is butt hurt that Orton took the CO victory. Jericho says not to worry, because tonight, he gets to see the crowd boo Cena out of the building. Camera’s are still on, though, buddy. He runs down Canadians everywhere. He’s not even from Canada! He was born in America! HA! Josh Matthews comes back to let Jericho know the cameras were still running. This was a sad segment. I know Jericho is a heel, but it’s Canada. Let him be a face to his hometown/country for one night. It won’t hurt his heel-dom. And now, he’ll probably get booed every time in Canada, even if he turns face again. You’d think I’m overexhagerating, but Canadians are pretty bad at letting shit go. Ask Shawn Michaels and Earl Hebner.

COMMERCIAL!

Next week, we get Freddie Prinze Jr. as a special guest host. Well, anyone who didn’t see that coming eventually is just retarted. Plain and simple.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back right at the bell. Jericho knocks Cena down with a Shoulder Tackle, and they do some small spots, leading into an attempted Walls of Jericho. Cena bails, though, just to clear his head, and he’s back in the ring pretty quickly. Lock-up and Jericho backs Cena into the corner. Semi-clean break as he just sort of paint brushes him. Cena isn’t pleased by that, and slaps on a Headlock. Jericho backs him into the ropes, but he’s the one getting Shoulder Tackled this time. Cena slows it back down with another headlock. Jericho is out and they struggle for a Keylock. Jericho backs Cena into the ropes, and Cena goes for his flying Shoulder Tackle, but Jercho ducks and kicks Cena to the outside. Cena keeps in control of the match with a rest hold. Cena fights up to his feet and they get into a “YAY-BOO” slugfest. This time Cena hits his flying Shoulder Tackle, twice, and then the Blue Thunder Bomb… YOU CAN’T SEE ME! False. Jericho can. He gets a couple quick roll ups before nailing Cena with a Bulldog but doesn’t hit the Lionsault. Cross Body by Jericho! NO! Cena rolls through! ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT! NO! JERICHO GETS OUT! WALLS OF JERICHO! He’s in that for a while, until Cena slips out and gets the STF! Randy Orton is out and the ref calls for the bell. Why so quick? He didn’t even do anything. Orton makes a pretty stupid move, getting in the ring and tipping his hand before he can get the Head Punt on Cena. Jericho waits for Cena to turn around and hit’s the Code Breaker, and gets in Orton’s face for costing him his first win against Cena! Orton tosses him, though, when Big Show comes down! CHOKE SLAM TO ORTON! I actually really like that, since it plays off their match earlier where Show was pissed Orton ran away. Slaughter is out and makes Jericho and Big Show vs. Orton and Cena next week! Orton and Cena use the distraction to toss Show! ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT to Jericho! NO! Orton actually takes him down with an RKO off of Cena’s shoulders. That was pretty damn rad, actually. Inadvertent team work. Show ends with Cena and Orton in a stand off.

Overall… eh. The Slaughter stuff got a lot of heat, but he didn’t have to be the guest host to do that. The only worthwhile thing he did in a wrestling capacity was set up the tag match for next week. This was probably a money conserving decision, since the last two weeks they had big stars like Piven and Shaq. Prinze being next week’s host adds a little more credence to that. Either way, this was a middle of the road show. The only thing that blew me away was the opening segment with Orton/Cena/Big Show/Jericho. The HHH/HBK stuff was funny, and the short matches littered throughout the show just annoyed me, because they had a build up and back story, yet got even less time than a Divas match. Whatever. I’ll see everybody next week. Until then, take it easy folks.

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The Miz comes out to interrupt, and this should be good as well. Miz tries to pass himself off as an acclaimed TV star. Piven makes sure Miz knows he DOESN’T have the goods. Ken interrupting Miz gets huge pops. But Miz isn’t out here for Piven. He’s out for Cena. He wants a rematch, and is ordering Piven to get it happening. Dr. Ken’s pacifier is so pimp.

Now CENA comes out, and the crowd is (thankfully) pro-Cena instead of 50/50. Cena thanks Ken for the prescription, the rash cleared up nicely. Dr. Ken: MIZ BAD. He’s got a face for radio, says Cena. If anyone can make Cena vs. Miz interesting again, it’s Piven, and the crowd knows it! Lumberjack match! And if Miz loses, he’s banned from Summerslam! AND Summerfest! AND WWE Raw for all of eternity! Well that’s just extreme. I can see why this whole thing might turn people off, as it was a little long and random, but I loved it, it had me rolling. MORE!

COMMERCIAL!

After that long opening of promo time, I hope we get a 10 minute match to clean the pallet and balance things out. My hopes are high, but then I’m an optimist so whatever. Bourne starts it fast, but Swagger goes to the ropes to get some distance, and executes a takedown to ground the high flier. Swagger just throws him around like nothing. Bourne sweeps the feet out and goes for his standing Moonsault, but Swagger gets the knees up. Dr. Bomb attempt is countered by Bourne into a CLOSE near fall for 2. Swagger quickly takes over again and hit’s the Dr. Bomb… for 3? What? After the match, Swagger hits two Vader Bombs, but MVP slides in to break all this up.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back, and Jeremy Piven certainly knows how to avoid bloodshed. Big Show comes in, to Dr. Ken’s shagrin, and he deflects a Big Show vs. Jeremy Piven match with Big Show getting a shot at the US Title tonight against Kofi Kingston!

COMMERCIAL!

Nope.

COMMERCIAL!

I understand they’re heels, but it’s a handicap match. Why did Rhodes and DiBiase leave the ring? They’ve got the numbers, and you’ve got King talking them up that this isn’t going to be a walk in the park for HHH. HHH dominates early, hitting a Shoulder Tackle, Suplex and Knee Drop on Rhodes. Rhodes cuts off a Back Body Drop attempt, and tags in to DiBiase, who runs in to a punch. HHH goes for the Pedigree on DiBiase, when Rhodes comes in to break that up. He only gets Back Dropped, however, and HHH then clotheslines him out of the ring, and tosses DiBiase onto Rhodes as we go to commercial.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back, and Rhodes has HHH in a Cravate. We find out that during the break, DiBiase hit a Stunner on the top rope to HHH to get them the advantage. HHH mounts a comeback but a blind tag by Rhodes sets up a Clothesline/Chop Block double team to HHH. I love it. Legacy continues to make quick tags, just laying in stomps to HHH and staying fresh. Love that, too. Rhodes distracts the ref so that DiBiase can choke HHH. Double team punches to the guy and Double Suplex get two for DiBiase, and he slaps on a rest hold. Again HHH tries to mount a comeback, but DiBiase cuts him off with a Powerslam for 2. Rhodes drops a knee of his own after getting tagged in, and puts on a variation of the Camel Clutch. HHH once AGAIN tries to mount a comeback, but this time Rhodes stops that dead in it’s tracks with a DDT. Rhodes goes up top for a weird looking moonsault, it had height but his arms were funky, and he would’ve missed even if HHH hadn’t moved. This is the double down, so to speak, with the only tag going to Rhodes and DiBiase. But no! HHH cuts it off and knocks DiBiase off the apron. He’s back in and hit’s a high knee to Rhodes! Knee to the face! DiBiase gets up on the apron but gets Rhodes tossed into him, and HHH hit’s the Spinebuster! Pedigree! NO! DiBiase cuts that off from behind and hit’s the Dream Street on HHH! Rhodes covers! ONE! TWO! THR- KICKOUT! Wow, I could’ve seen that being it. I know it’s HHH, and he’s going to win, but that was a well done False finish. Rhodes picks HHH up… CROSS RHODES! ONE! TWO! THREE! Whoa!

Post-match, HHH says things aren’t the way they used to be. Maybe he should start a group? Evolution? No. Randy’s a jerk, Batista is always hurt, and Flair is signing autographs at the VFW or something. Maybe… just maybe… HHH just needs to make one phone call. And if we’re not down with that, he’s got two words for them! Rad. Well at least they had Legacy win this match, so that the Summerslam match vs. HHH and HBK will be at least a LITTLE bit in doubt. Not much, but a little.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back and Piven and Ken are watching a promo for their movie. Charo walks in and gets into a wrong name competition with Hiro and Jon Favreau… er, Dr. Kim and Jeremy Piven. He gives Chavo a match with Horn Gobbler, but has some tricks up his sleeves…

Primo starts out hot with a Head Scissors and some punches. Carlito tries to toss him out of the ring, but Primo stays on the apron and slingshots himself back in, hitting the ropes and nailing a Clothesline, then diving through the ropes onto Carlito! Only gets 2, however. Carlito gets a snap Neck Breaker off the ropes, Arik Cannon/Chris Sabin style. He slows the pace down with a rest hold, but Primo doesn’t stay there long. He hit’s the ropes for a back elbow, clothesline and Dropkick. He charges at Carlito and hit’s a Monkey Flip, but gets his shoulder tossed into the ring post to cut off the momentum! Back Stabber! NO! ROLL UP! ONE! TWO! THR- NO! Kickout! Both are right up to their feet and Carlito hit’s the Back Stabber this time! ONE! TWO! THREE!

COMMERCIAL!

Is it ok with everyone if I give this match ***** for Henry’s outfit? No? Damnit. That hat is the pimp shit. Gigantor World’s Strongest Slam to Charo! One! Two! Three!

THEY FOOLED US! THEY FOOLED US ALL ALONG! HORNSWAGGLE WAS UNDER THE RING! MY GAWD! MY GAWD! TADPOLE SPLASH! WITH GOD AS MY WITNESS CHARO GUERRERRO IS BROKEN IN HAAAAAAALF! MARKSWAGGLE AND HORNSWAGGLE DANCE! IRISH JIIIIIIIIIG! MARKSWAGGLE JUST CLICKED HIS HEELS!

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back and Cher looks like Randy Orton, so says Mr. Piven. NO! DR. KEN’S PACIFIER! Shit got REAL right there. Orton doesn’t want to be the guest ring announcer for Cena vs. Miz. If he would kick VINCE MCMAHON’S skull, what exactly is stopping him from doing it to Piven and Ken? Good point, Randall.

I’d say Kofi doesn’t stand a chance, but then I didn’t think Rhodes and DiBiase would win, either. DDT to Kofi’s leg, which is great, because Kofi’s speed is all he has against Big Show. Jericho on commentary is great, because he puts Kofi over as a fine competitor, but makes Big Show sound even better. Show is certainly living up to it, completely dominating Kofi in the ring. Kofi gets a little momentum with some kicks, but a Springboard Cross Body gets stopped with a Body Slam. VADER SPLASH! ONE! TWO! THRE- FOOT ON THE ROPES! Big stomp to the mid section of Kofi Kingston. Jericho brings out a great notch on the Big Show/Jericho bed post, as together they’ve won 40+ titles. That’s impressive as hell. Big Show gets a great looking Submission on Kingston, and shouldn’t have let it go. Show goes for another Vader Bomb, but Kofi makes his comeback! Trouble In Paradise! HUGE Double LegDrop! ONE! TWO! THRE- NO! Big Show press slams him off! SPEAR BY BIG SHOW! Kofi is in the ropes and Big Show is just DISMANTLING him with kidney punches! TOO MUCH however! The ref DQ’s him!

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back, and HHH gets his one phone call. This person seems to be much less excited about a comeback than HHH is. He’s doing a job? He’s where? I thought he said he wasn’t doing anymore jobs! Yep, that’s definitely HBK he’s calling, in case anyone was still on the fence about it.

“GOOGLE IT! WHY WOULDN’T YOU GOOGLE IT!? I JUST TOLD YOU TO GOOGLE IT!?”

“I googled it. It said you fucking blow.”

WIN.

COMMERCIAL!

Next week we get SGT. SLAUGHTER! I’m excited for that. I’m also completely and totally surprised that Santino didn’t get any bits with Piven and Dr. Ken tonight. Really surprised at that one.

HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HEEEEEEEEEEEELS! Piven and Dr. Ken are HUGE Randy Orton fans! YOU SHUT UP FAT BOY! They’ve hand picked every Lumberjack for this match! My God this is pretty great and unexpected. Piven’s death stare was amazing, too. I shouldn’t be surprised, he IS an actor after all. CHRIS MASTERS! I’m happy. Well, if nothing else, this should guarantee Miz FINALLY gets to pin Cena. Right?

Cena takes the first shot, however, going to the outside and getting one punch before sliding back in and hitting a Bulldog on Miz, followed by a Clothesline to the outside. Miz charges in and gets Drop Toe Holded, followed by an STF! NO! Legacy is up on the apron and distracts Cena! Miz attacks him from behind and knocks Cena out… MASTERLOCK! FTW! Cena fails the Masterlock Challenge, WHOO! Cover by Miz but it only gets 2. Miz sends Cena into the turnbuckles, Hart-style, and hit’s a Lariat for another 2 count. Dr. Ken would be such a fucking great manager. “YOU’RE A WINNER!” Cena starts to mount some offense and sets up for the “You Can’t See Me!” but Orton pulls the top rope down and Legacy begins a mega-beat down on Cena, softening him up for a Miz victory and for their match at Summerslam. Dr. Ken slips Miz the pimp cane, but Cena catches him! ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT TO MIZ! ONE! TWO! THREE!

Post-match, Cena lays out everyone who tries to get into the ring. Piven seems to have grown some mega balls, and is up on the top rope! CROSS BODY! (And a fairly good looking one, too) NO! Cena catches him! Attitude Adjustment! NO! Dr. Ken has the cane! He blasts Cena with it! Who promptly no sells the shit out of it. Kim cries innocence and tries to celebrate with Cena! “WE WON! THE GOOD GUYS WON!” and they shake hands! Well that’s not going to last. Cena picks him up with a Gorilla Press and throws him onto some heels! Geez, three guys and they STILL don’t catch him properly and he hits his head on the outside. Way to go, guys. He’s a buck fifty, soaking wet, and you can’t protect his HEAD? Legacy is on the ramp looking pissed, while Cena is all smiles in the ring.

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Words can’t express the show us PWG fans in attendance got to witness, but I’m going to try regardless.

Have you ever had one of those nights that just remind you why you’re a wrestling fan? Through all of the shit we see, the botches and the terrible promos. The promotions that don’t know what they’re doing and the promoters who get it all wrong… tonight, it was everything wrestling should be about. Hard work, dedication, technical ability, high spots, brawling, comedy, intensity. Everything was accentuated in PWG’s Threemendous II. Let’s get into the results, shall we?

Actually, one quick point: the crowd tonight was absolutely on fire, and we had good reason to be. They were hot for EVERY SINGLE MATCH, with maaaaybe the exception of Cabana vs. Taylor. But it was almost exclusively a comedy match, and it’s hard to get a crowd hot for those.

1. The Cutlers and Charles Mercury vs. Jerome “LTP” Robinson, Brandon Gatson and Johnny Goodtime
-I was really looking forward to this match, mostly because Brandon Gatson was finally getting a shot to debut and impress PWG. When I was in wrestling, he was one of my trainers, and he’s good. Really good. He’s got all the spots people love, but he works an old school style with selling and baby face fire and he just makes you care about what he’s doing, past the spots. And he didn’t let us down. This match FAR exceeded my expectations, and live-wise, is one of the best openers in company history. All three baby faces were making their debuts, and all three had the crowd cheering for them from the get go. I’m not going to be telling moves in the matches, just the finishes and star ratings. The finish for this one was BRUTAL, as Brandon and Dustin Cutler nailed an absolutely sick Tombstone/leaping Piledriver double team for the victory, And remember, these are LIVE ratings. If I ever get to this point in my show reviewing history, the ratings will almost all likely be lower than they are now.
Winners: The Cutlers and Charles Mercury, ****. It was just THAT good of a spot fest for me. The crowd definitely brought that rating up, too. I could totally see LTP, Gatson and Goodtime all coming back due to their performances in this match.

2. Scott Lost vs. Alex Shelley
-A very good match. This was the start of a trend tonight, that being STIFF INTENSITY~! Seriously, these guys were striking the shit out of each other. Early on in the match, it felt like a legit fight. It wasn’t clean back and forth striking that let the crowd pop for either individual. They just kept up a flurry, leading to the outside with even more punches and kicks, and a really out of nowhere Spear by Scott Lost. From there, it was just an escalating battle and both of them had some very near near-falls. Alex Shelley ended up with the W, however, after TWO Frog Splash to a downed Scott Lost.
Winner: Alex Shelley, ***¾

3. Bryan Danielson vs. Chris Sabin
-This was an overall slower match than the previous 2, but still high on quality wrestling. Sabin controlled a majority of the match, which I was surprised about. He landed a lot of chops and kept his speed advantage, avoiding letting Dragon mount a string of offense. We all know that THAT can’t last long, and it didn’t. They traded some offense back and forth, with Danielson getting the better of Sabin via elbows and Cattle Mutilation.
Winner: Bryan Danielson, ***¼

4. Colt Cabana vs. Chuck Taylor
-This was all comedy. I really don’t have more words than that. There wasn’t much wrestling, there wasn’t much of a story outside of them trying to out funny each other. But you can’t have accepted much other than that with these two. I will tell you that Chuck Taylor pulled out the surprising upset, with a roll-up assisted by the ropes.
Winner: Chuck Taylor, I just feel dirty giving this star ratings. It was really entertaining.

5. Davey Richards vs. Roderick Strong
- My Co-Pick for Match of the Night. This took the intensity and high energy of the first set of matches and brought it to a completely different level. The match started out like most matches end, with them just throwing bombs for strikes and like they had nothing to lose. The finishing stretch to this match was all heart and drive. They beat the hell out of each other until the other had NOTHING left. That person was Davey Richards, as he took the Flying Kick from Roderick, and the Tiger Driver for the 1-2-3.
Winner: Roderick Strong, ****¼

6. Non-Title Match: The Young Bucks © vs. 2 Skinny Black Guys (Human Tornado and El Generico)
-This is my other Co-Pick for Match of the Night. First thing you need to know: The Human Tornado came out to “I’m On A Boat” by The Lonely Island. Win. The heat the Bucks were drawing, all stemming from DDT4, was just insane. And the best thing about it is, they didn’t really do that much heel-ish stuff. They were just themselves, worked their match, and the crowd didn’t care. They booed every move they made. A particularly genius part of the match happened when the Bucks did their Double Hiptoss/Backflip/Dropkick combo, and the crowd began to loudly chant “Same old shit!” So you know what they did? They did that exact same combination of moves again! This brought the match to an even higher level, as the crowd just wanted to see the Bucks lose even more than before. Tornado and Generico certainly obliged them. Again, like Strong vs. Richards, the finishing stretch to this match was incredible. The Young Bucks hit their finish, More Bang For Your Buck, which ALWAYS finishes matches. The crowd was despondent. Tornado was about to get pinned… when Generico dove THROUGH THE ROPES from the outside to break up the pin. To say that we marked out would be an understatement. What could the Bucks do for the victory? The exact same thing, of course! They went for another More Bang For Your Buck, but this time it was stopped before it could be finished. Tornado then hit the DND, while Generico hit the BRAINBUSTAAAAAHHHH on the top turnbuckle for the victory and MONSTER pop. If you’ve seen the Generico vs. Omega match from Express Written Consent, this rivals that pop, if not tops it. It was that big.
Winners: 2 Skinny Black Guys, ****¼

After the match, the Bucks shake their hands and make it known that 2 Skinny Black Guys get a title shot at the next show. They won tonight, but the Bucks are still the champs, and they make sure that’s known. Great heat again for this.

After THAT, Chuck Taylor came from the commentary booth and drilled an exhausted Generico with the OMEGA DRIVER, and challenged him to a match for #1 Contendership for the Bucks titles. Generico agreed.

Also at some point in the show, Excalibur announced two shows for PWG. One on Friday, August 28th and Friday, September 4th. The 28th will feature the return of BRIAN KENDRICK, while the 4th will feature Dragon Gate stars CIMA, SHINGO and NARUKI DOI! I miss the days of PWG announcing their next shows at the current shows. It streamlined a lot, and gave you something to immediately look forward to and keep PWG on your mind.

7. PWG World Championship Guerrilla Warfare Match
-This was a fairly long match, and me personally, I was completely worn out. I was so into the first 6 matches, I was going on E. I was still relatively into this match, and the rest of the crowd were hot, but I had less enthusiasm. They worked a slower pace in the beginning, obviously hinting at a longer match. It broke down, however, when Hero went for a charging Forearm to Joey Ryan, only to have a TRASH CAN thrown at his elbow! This was the driving story of the match, and kudos to Hero, he went a looooooong time without using his right arm. And when he did, say for a strike, it always hurt him. He didn’t CONSTANTLY use fighting spirit, which just gets old after a while. The finish came when Hero wrapped a chain around Ryan’s neck, and locked on an STF and made Joey tap out, retaining his title and completing the cycle, as he won the title at last year’s Anniversary show Life| During Wartime. It has to be noted that Hero was garnering some very strong heel heat from the crowd, and never ignored it. That plays a huge part for what came up next.
Winner and STILL PWG World Champion: Chris Hero, ***½

Post-match, the crowd is booing just unmercifully at Chris Hero. He’s got a smile on his face and really isn’t broken up about it. People were throwing cups and empty pitchers into the ring, with a few of the pitchers hitting Hero. He said love him or hate him, you have to respect him, and he’s proving that there’s no one in that locker room who can lace his boots. HUGE turn around from when he won the title, stating he wanted the best competition and that it was here in PWG. He called the haters faggots, and made sure to address the people that were still cheering him that he loved us, and this hate wasn’t directed at them.

Joey Ryan took the mic, and said before the match he made himself promise no matter what, he was going to shake Hero’s hand. He shook it, and all was right with the world… until Chris Hero NAILED Joey Ryan with the PWG Title! And oddly enough, that got a huge pop from the crowd, who had been pro Ryan and anti-Hero the entire match. Fickle bastards. You just love the heels.

Overall, this show was just phenomenal live. There wasn’t a bad match, nobody was off, everybody was on. Everyone had the crowd in the palm of their hand, and we were loving every minute of it. I can’t wait to see how this show comes off on DVD, because we were a large and loud crowd. I think it’s going to come off great. Take it easy, everybody, I’ll see you on Monday for my Raw Report!

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