Pro Wrestling Ponderings

Welcome to The Young CHIKARMY Insider Chronicles! I wish I had some kind of witty inside reference to the show about the early years of Indiana Jones, but I didn’t watch it. It was before my time. Sean Patrick Flanery played the young Henry. He was in The Boondock Saints. There’s a sequel to that film coming out this month called The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day. Everybody’s back from the first film except for Willem Dafoe, who probably laughed until he passed out when they asked him to do it. Even David Della Rocco is back…somehow. While I can’t really recommend you see the first film or its sequel (they’re both ridiculously stupid, but pretty fun), I can definitely advocate Overnight, the documentary that followed Boondock Saints creator, writer, and director Troy Duffy as he slowly devolved from Hollywood golden boy to an egomaniacal jerk that alienated everyone around him. It’s fascinating, but it has nothing to do with Chikara.

This week’s issue takes one final look at the October shows, where only one match remains unannounced. Then, Eddie Kingston would like a word with us. It’s about Claudio Castagnoli…and it’s not very pleasant. Those two need to hug it out. Lastly, I’ve a got a new Horrible Gimmick~! for your viewing pleasure. So buckle up and get ready…’cause this column ain’t got airbags. Seriously, the column would NOT pass highway safety inspection. Read at your own risk.

At Hiding in Plain Sight, Chikara’s September show in New Hampshire, Sal Rinauro showed up alongside Bryan Danielson and Colt Cabana, most likely filming for their documentary Wrestling Road Diaries. He apparently went a little banana when he wasn’t instantly offered a contract with the company. He then grabbed a camera and demanded a bout against Mike Quackenbush. Not just any match, either; a match for Quack’s NWA World Jr. Title! Well Leonard F. Chikarason was apparently impressed with Sal’s moxie, so the match is on! Last time these two faced each other, Quackenbush survived Sal’s devastating springboard corkscrew enzuigiri and tapped Rinauro out using a modified Boston Crab. Rinauro will have to take control early, otherwise his Chikara debut will be one to forget.

Opponents in the Cibernetico match, Matt and Nick Jackson will team up the night before in a match that will see The Young Bucks challenge three other teams in a Four-Corners Elimination Tag Match. The team with the most to gain here is The Osirian Portal, who lost the tag belts at Hiding in Plain Sight. They have been put in a great position here, along with their tag the next night against The Roughnecks, to get their belts back. If they were to somehow run the table, getting all three falls, and if The Roughnecks beat the Colony for the belts, The Portal might have to cash in their points and demand a title shot! Icarus & Chuck Taylor are also coming off of a loss at Hiding in Plain Sight, so a win here will put them back on track to total tag team domination. With Icarus & Akuma already in line for a shot and Akuma & Taylor sitting comfortably at two points, F.I.S.T. could be looking to mount something crazy against the tag champs. The wildcard in all of this would be the new team of Dasher Hatfield and Sugar Dunkerton. This one should be as unpredictable as it is explosive!

As you can see, there have been several line-up changes on both sides of this year’s Cibernetico match. The drama behind it adds another personal element to the match. See, Fire Ant was given the option of moving his team around, shifting his batting order. He declined, so Soldier Ant made several adjustments, most notably pitting top pick Mike Quackenbush against team captain Fire Ant and putting Hallowicked as the next-in-line against Jigsaw. Then, Fire Ant changed his mind, requesting to shift his batting order. Soldier Ant agreed to let it go, but it was a bush-league move by Fire Ant to make that play. Still, it worked out for him, and he got his way. The most significant change Fire Ant made was placing Player Dos a step behind Player Uno, keeping them staggered in the batting order.

It’ll be put up or shut up time for Sal Rinauro at Cibernetico Increible. Already with a title match the night before against Quackenbush, Sal will then have to contend with Claudio Castagnoli the next. Some might argue that Sal has bitten off more than he can chew, but I doubt Sal would be one of those people. He’s his biggest fan and someone who truly believes his own hype, but if he doesn’t find a way to steer clear of Claudio’s nasty strikes, he might get a Giant Swing right out of the building.

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I promised it to you last week, and I delivered: a fresh baked edition of Horrible Gimmicks Run Amok~! This is an idea I had while watching another wrestler work in his gimmick. I am probably the biggest Kenichiro Arai mark on this planet. He works mainly in Dragon Gate, had has the gimmick of an old, tired, drunk who never feels like wrestling. He always cheats, will occasionally fall asleep during matches, and is just a gigantic evildoer most of the time. I was watching a match he had with Anthony W. Mori, and I had a thought: “Wouldn’t this be funny if he was dressed like a clown?” And that was the launching pad for Zobo, the Happiest Clown. To get an idea of how Zobbo handles his business, you can watch the match that helped me conceive him RIGHT HERE! Just picture Araken (the guy in the jumpsuit) as a sad clown.

Lawrence “Larry” Wendell was born in Chicago, Illinois. His father was a third generation butcher, so when he was growing up, that is what Larry was expected to become. His family labeled him “Happy Larry” became there seemingly was not a thing on Earth that could break his spirit. Even on the day his first pet died (a gerbil named Toothy), Larry simply declared, “Yay! We can get a new gerbil!” He went on to attend high school in the same spirits, but by that time, he had fallen in love with making other people smile just as much as he did. It was at the end of his junior year that he created Zobo, a character that was created initially just for entertaining residents at orphanages and retirement homes. He married his high school sweetheart directly after graduating and began his life as a butcher in the family business.

Larry continued to entertain people, and on one fateful day at a nursing home on the north side, he discovered pro wrestling on TV. He loved the action and the sportsmanship, but he loved the drama as well, finding it to be a much better platform for his pursuit. He wanted to please a larger audience, and wrestling was the ticket. After months of saving and deliberation, Larry started training to become a pro wrestler. He was a natural, and within a year, he was already getting bookings local, awaiting the call to get into the big leagues. His energy and enthusiasm were so infectious that he caught fire with fans from the get-go. After only two years on the Chicago circuit, Larry got the call: he would be on national television every week in a worldwide federation, entertaining fans all over the country. He quit his job as a butcher and became a wrestler full-time. It was the last time in his life that Larry would catch an honest break.

Upon arriving in the big leagues, Larry noticed how difficult it was to circumvent the politics of the business. When he finally got his chance to shine, audiences latched on. It amazed even Larry how quickly fans everywhere picked up on his liveliness. He felt like the luckiest guy in the world. Then, for reasons that were never explained to Larry, his house exploded. It just…it just exploded. Every possession he had was destroyed in the fire. He and his wife stayed in an apartment, where Larry tripped over a loose tile and injured his knee. Two weeks later, after a whirlwind rise to fame, Larry was fired. Apparently, another wrestler with backstage pull got Larry axed to make room for his buddy to start a clown character named Doink. Everybody hated it and still hates it. It was and is really stupid.

After years of failed attempts to make a child with his wife, Larry (now a hardware salesman since his father’s butcher business went under) got tested, which revealed that Larry was unable to bear one. Larry’s wife left him shortly after. After a spat with his family that involved Larry’s impotency, he found himself alone and resorting to alcohol to relieve stress. Five years passed without incident before Larry’s liquor abuse blended into his work, where he berated a customer for being, “really short and dumb-looking.” The ten year old girl’s parents filed a lawsuit. Larry was out of a job.

Unemployed, depressed and alone, Larry got a call at three in the afternoon from an old friend about a wrestling reunion show at a rodeo. Larry suited up right away, make-up, red nose and all, and went to the show, where he wrestled a really big guy who worked stiff. That’s all Larry could remember. He woke up in a hospital bed a day later. Apparently, Larry imagined the phone call, went down to the local rodeo, and fought a bull in front of a couple thousand people. He became a YouTube sensation, and suddenly there was interest in Larry again on the wrestling independent scene again, which had grown by leaps and bounds since his days. Larry, it seemed, was back.

Sober and excited, Zobo, The Happiest Clown, made his redebut in New York as a part of a legends wrestling show. Larry came out to a thunderous clamor, and as he made his way down the ramp, he tripped and fell flat on his face. He hadn’t worn his big shoes in years, so it was somewhat understandable. However, when Larry looked up, he saw kids pointing, laughing, and shouting terrible, unrepeatable things at him. Larry continued to play to the crowd happily, but his join soon died. No one clapped. No one cheered. No one cared. They just insulted him right to his face. The fans, it seemed, had become cynical and self-important. They didn’t care about him anymore. That’s when Larry decided to return the favor.

He wrestled at half-speed that night, drawing amazing heat from the crowd. He didn’t care anymore. Larry got paid that night, and the promoter told him there was more work in the future if he could get fans riled up like that. Larry wanted to wrestle under his own name, but the promoter said that he would only hire him if he was in the make-up. So that’s Larry’s curse; the only way he can get back at the world is to anger them in the ring, where he is forced to wear a persona that doesn’t apply to him anymore. Larry turned back to booze, even carrying a flask to the ring with him. He joined Chikara soon at the behest of fans that wanted to genuinely cheer him on. Larry didn’t believe them, thinking it was just some sort of game to further humiliate him. Larry would swig from his “water” bottle (Chikara officials didn’t want him drinking from a flask) and continue on his mission: make everyone as mad and bitter as he is. There’s no happy ending here; just an ending.

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実際に重要なニュース!

- Chikara will return to Easton and Philadelphia in November with Throwing Life’s Instructions Away on Saturday, November 21st and the Season 8 Finale show Three-Fisted Tales on Sunday, November 22nd. These shows will be discussed here at-length in the coming weeks!

- Next week, I’ll have results from the two October shows, some November show updates, and some Classic Chikara! I’ll be at the Florida/Arkansas football game in Gainesville, so I’ll be back the next day. You can expect the column to be up Sunday night. See ya then!

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Hello all, and welcome to CHIKARMY Insider, in the Conservatory, with the Lead Pipe. Yeah, that’s how we do. We do lead pipe. As you may or may not have noticed, this week’s Insider is two days late. Now, I really wish that I had some sort of grand explanation for it: my wife died, a plane hit my favorite restaurant, there was a good football game on, etc. The truth is much simpler, and pretty embarrassing: I forgot to post it. I wrote it up and…forgot a very important step! Yep, it was my lunch hour earlier today and I wanted to see what others had written. Well, much to my surprise…my article wasn’t there. Nicely done, me. Had to wait ‘til now to post. Sorry fans…er, fan. To make up for this, next’s week article WILL be on time and WILL feature an all-new Horrible Gimmick~! Rejoice! This week’s episode features a DVD review of “The Bobliographon”, more poorly-conceived threats from UltraMantis Black, and info on the October shows, including a look at the final four teams in this year’s Cibernetico, with one HUGE surprise team that…You. Won’t. See. Coming. Look at me! I’m the ending to a bad horror trailer!

Chikara DVD Review:

The Bobliographon

The Bobliographon might as well have been called “Night of the Grudges”, as there were four matches that had heated back-stories with issues that needed settling. Some of the conflicts were ended…others continued to burn. Incoherence looked to end their feud with The Roughnecks, Vin Gerard continued his feud with Glacier, and The Future is Now looked to tear The Osirian Portal apart. The main event saw the biggest feud in Chikara explode into all-out war as The Colony, looking to avenge their fallen brother Worker Ant, teamed with Mike Quackenbush and Jigsaw to face Buck Hawke and the men who ended their brother’s career: F.I.S.T.

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1. Claudio Castagnoli vs. Shadow Phoenix - ***1/2

Really good contest between these two, which is NOT a surprise if you’ve ever seen a match pitting Claudio against any small, athletic, flying wrestler. This match was much crisper than Shadow’s bout the night before against Gran Akuma. Finish was good, but I was shocked that it only took a Bicycle Kick to cut Shadow Phoenix down. It made Claudio look beastly, which was the point I guess.

PROMO - The Super Smash Brothers

These guys always slay me when they get time to talk. This was the first time I took notice of how thick Dos’ French-Canadian accent is. It was startling.

PROMO - 2.0

See Above. Well, not the French-Canadian thing. That’s exclusive to Mr. Dos.

2. Elimination Match - Cheech & Cloudy vs. 2.0 vs. The UnStable vs. The SSB - ***1/4

Good match. I really wasn’t into a lot of the stuff at the beginning, but after the 2.0 elimination, things picked up nicely. There was an absolutely huge moment that occurs after the second elimination and would foreshadow events to come in Chikara. But the really meat here was the exchanges between the Smash Brothers and Cheech & Cloudy. They had a terrific match last year at Aniversarioct, and they picked up right where they left off here.

PROMO - The Order of the Neo-Solar Temple

I don’t even remember this promo to be honest, so it couldn’t have been that important. I remember UltraMantis said something about wielding the “ultimate power”, which would be big later on in the show and in Chikara as well.

3. Create-A-Wrestler vs. UltraMantis Black w/ Crossbones - *3/4

Well, you knew the quality couldn’t stay that high forever. This served no real purpose other than driving the point home that CAW sucks without a fan-made gimmick…which we already knew. Pay attention to the commentary though, as some previously unknown info sees the light of day.

4. Grudge Match #1 - Incoherence vs. The Roughnecks - ***3/4

This is the night’s first grudge match, and it was awesome. Some of the cheap double team moves from the Roughnecks had me in stitches. At one point, Brodie sat on the top turnbuckle and lifted Frightmare in the air by his head. Kingston then started peppering his midsection with fists and elbows. Highlight of the match was seeing a Go 2 Sleep Hollow on Kingston, followed by Shadows Over Heck by Delirious and the Kneecolepsy by Frightmare. It’s a shame these guys didn’t get more time as a trio; after the match, UltraMantis kidnapped Delirious using what appeared to be the Eye of Tyr.

PROMO - Claudio Castagnoli

Claudio has always seemed a little clunky on promos, which is understandable given his grasp of English is not always an easy one. The heat he brought, however, was great, and I truly felt like Claudio had been disrespected.

ANNOUNCEMENT - A New Partnership Forms!

When this company was first announced, I said on a few forums that all they needed to be successful was some involvement from other indies, mainly Chikara. I feel brilliant.

5. Shark Girl vs. Sara Del Rey - **

I really enjoyed this despite the length. I’m a dirty mark for Daffney and Del Rey, so the three person shark bite spot had me giggling, as did the chant afterwards.

6. Grudge Match #2 - The Osirian Portal vs. The Future is Now - ***

The story of the match involved the strife within the Osirian Portal, as Escorpion had lost several contests and appeared to lack focus in some of his matches. While the wrestling was good, I felt that the story itself was forced. They really must have put this together at the last minute; at least that’s what it felt like. Still, it got the point across, albeit somewhat disappointingly, and the action was crisp.

PROMO - Vin Gerard

If you’ve seen one Vin promo, you’ve seen them all. I much prefer him with his UnStable brethren where those guys can really shine in their smug insecurity. But this was solo Vin, so it was just OK.

7. Grudge Match #3 - Vin Gerard vs. Glacier - **

I’ll admit I actually really enjoyed the early stuff. The old-school chicken heel stuff was layered on thick, and had they exploded in the end, I would have lauded this match. Instead, they kept it slow and boring almost constantly. It became tedious to the point of near fury, and not in a good way. Not in a way that made me appreciate Vin Gerard’s heel work. After the match, I decided to do something more interesting…so I watched bark fall off a tree. Weeeee.

8. Grudge Match #4 - Fire & Soldier Ant and QuackenSaw vs. Buck Hawke & F.I.S.T. - ***3/4

Great way to end the show. It’s just good business for your MOTN to be in main event. Shocking, right? Everybody did great, and the heat was awesome. It set the stage for the feud-ending match between F.I.S.T. and the Colony, but also added to a growing QuackenSaw vs. F.I.S.T. rivalry, which would be big in the coming months. My only complaint would be that there was too much Buck Hawke. He’s fun…in small doses. Great match though.

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Two of the best young wrestlers Chikara has to offer will be clashing in Easton, Pennsylvania on October 17^th. Frightmare, after emerging victorious over Brandon Jonathan Michael Taylor Thomas in a rematch from the Young Lions Cup Tournament, has earned a title shot again Player Dos for his Young Lions Trophy. Both guys can be considered risk takers, so it could be either guy walking away as champion. Dos has the experience and the size advantage, but Frightmare’s ferociousness may not have a rival in Chikara.

An intriguing match-up in Easton will pit two teams with internal issues against one another. Green Ant called out the mysterious Carpenter Ant on his perceived lack of motivation, while Crossbones, after losing in the main event of Never Kneel at the Altar of Conformity, was nearly kicked out of the Order before UltraMantis allowed him to stay. Now Crossbones will be looking for revenge and gain favor with his friend by taking down the two youngest members of The Colony. The key to the match appears to be whichever team can get along will win…but there are no guarantees that either team can keep their grumbling in check.

Dasher Hatfield had some trouble getting a hold of the Super Smash Brothers, so he decided to find a new partner in his quest for three points. Well, Sugar Dunkerton answered the call. Unfortunately, they have to go up against some Badd dudes in Philly. The Badd Boyz, after beating the Colony to get their first point, could be looking at a possible three-point match-up here if they get past Helios and Dorado the night before. With that extra incentive, it’ll be tough to get past Chad and Brad; but if anyone can do it, it’s Dash & Dunk. Team Sports. BASEketball. The Old-Schools. Cloak and Dagger. Dash of Sugar. The Hardy Boyz. Team Discovery Channel. Just pick a name already…

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After being left out of this year’s Cibernetico, both The Osirian Portal and the Roughnecks probably feel a little bitter. I mean, let’s face it; they know that neither of their respective teams is winning a popularity contest anytime soon due to their bad guy shenanigans. But it’s still gotta sting when you’re pass over for an outsider team. It’s like their being one spot left on a dodge ball team and, instead of choosing you, the captain chooses someone from another school. It’s exactly like that. But with wrestling. The two teams will look to take frustrations out on each other. Or maybe they’ll hug it out. Probably not though.

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New Chikara DVD Releases:

Man Makes Plans, And God Laughs

Springfield, MA ~ 09/12/2009

1. Brendan Michael Thomas vs. Frightmare

2. The Badd Boyz vs. Fire & Green Ant

3. Grizzly Redwood vs. Steve “The Turtle” Weiner

4. Colin Delaney vs. Dasher Hatfield

5. The Super Smash Brothers vs. UltraMantis Black & Delirious

6. SeaDonsters No More: Tim Donst vs. Hydra

7. Vin Gerard, STIGMA & ???? vs. Mike Quackenbush, Lince Dorado & Equinox

8. Ophidian Returns: The Osirian Portal vs. Icarus & Chuck Taylor

9. For The First Time: Hallowicked vs. Claudio Castagnoli

Hiding In Plain Sight

Nashua, NH ~ 09/13/2009

1. Icarus & Chuck Taylor vs. Incoherence

2. Ariel vs. Sara Del Ray

3. Champions Of Charity Award Presentation

4. Eddie Kingston & Grizzly Redwood vs. UltraMantis Black & Delirious

5. Dragon’s Farewell: Mike Quackenbush & Jigsaw vs. Claudio Castagnoli & Bryan Danielson

6. The UnStable & 2.0 vs. Dasher Hatfield, Equinox, Lince Dorado, Carpenter Ant, & Green Ant

7. Young Lion’s Cup: Player Uno vs. Player Dos

8. Campeonatos de Parejas: The Osirian Portal vs. Fire & Soldier Ant

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This week’s The Silence of the CHIKARMY Insider will be a special one for all those that think the popularity of yo-yos amongst preteen boys during the mid-nineties was an uproarious monument to poor judgment. Seriously, there was a time when I would trade a nice pair of shoes for the right yo-yo, the yo-yo that would sustain my reputation well into high school. We’d get in fights over yo-yos, to the point where, and I’m being totally truthful here, yo-yos were banned from our middle school. The funniest part was that none of us could actually do anything with yo-yos. They basically served the same purpose as belt buckles do in Texas; it’s just some weird status kick. The bigger and shiner, the…better human being you are? Meanwhile, the four foot tall Japanese kid that picked his nose a lot and sat at the back of the bus was getting major young tail pulling off Double Gerbils and Tidal Waves in his sleep using a wooden yo-yo he probably whittled from a bedpost or a tree. We would’ve beaten him up, but we all just assumed he knew karate. We also thought he could’ve easily killed us with a well-timed yo-yo strike, and he wouldn’t need to stop picking his nose to do it. We cheated off his math quizzes, too. He was a good person. So what does this have to do with Chikara, or Clarice Starling for that matter? The answer is nothing. Not a thing. I felt like talking about yo-yos.

First up is an update of Chikara’s upcoming October shows, with a lot of attention given to Cibernetico Increible, where the first eight competitors have already been announced. I’ll break it all down, partner match-up by partner match-up, and feed it to you like a momma bird. Then, I’ll eat you alive…because sometimes momma birds do that, too. Don’t freak out. Nature can be weird. Then, I’ll give you the news and notes that you love. It’s powerful, unwavering love, so who am I to deny you what you worship? I really need to come up with an ostentatious name for the general info. Maybe next week I’ll just call it Other Stuff, but the banner will look spectacular, like the fourth of July on hallucinogens. We’ll see. Lastly, you’re getting another week of Classic Chikara to go with your nice Chianti, this time focusing on Cibernetico and Robin, the Cibernetico event from 2007. I threw in two extra videos as well because…because I have that power. And I abuse it with upsetting regularity.

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Both Player Uno and Claudio Castagnoli have had their issues lately, causing both men act…shall we say grumpy? Claudio is still locked in a battle with Eddie Kingston over respect (or lack thereof) and Uno is convinced that, despite already losing the partner and friend Player Dos twice, he CAN beat him (more on that below). The two heavyweights will pause from their respective quarrels and take their frustrations out on each other. It’ll be “The Stalwart Swiss Skyscraper” versus the “Masked Master of the Mushroom Kingdom”.

You may have noticed that the scheduled match between Gran Akuma and Jigsaw has been changed, with STIGMA replacing the “Mysterious Mythological Warrior from Afar”. As storied as the bad blood between Akuma and Jigsaw is, the rivalry between Jig and his former partner is much more personal. Starting in 2006, Jigsaw and STIGMA, at the time known as Shane Storm, ShaneSaw collectively, would tag with their mentor, Mike Quackenbush. They feuded with Icarus and Akuma, emerging victorious in both Hair vs Mask and Mask vs Mask matches. In early 2007, they became the top trio in Chikara, tagging with Quackenbush to win that year’s King of Trios. But that year would have a bittersweet ending, as Jigsaw and Quackenbush had arguments that lead to Jigsaw’s departure from the company. In 2008, Quack and Storm would gain three points, earning a title shot. The title shot would never come, as Quack would find out that Shane Storm had betrayed him. This would lead to a feud between the two that saw Shane Storm become STIGMA and join The UnStable with Colin Delaney and leader Vin Gerard. At the end of 2008 show “Duel and Duality”, Quack’s tag partner was beaten and injured by his opponents, Colin Delaney and STIGMA, before the match began. Jigsaw would make his surprise return to team with Quackenbush, ending the feud with his former teacher. Now, for the first time in their history together, Jigsaw and STIGMA will go one-on-one.

It’s Badd news for The Future is Noww. On October 17^th in Easton, Helios and Lince Dorado will have to take on two of the tuffest men to ever walk this Earth: Brad and Chad Badd. The Badd Boyz strategy will be simple: groundd and poundd the ethnic high flyers ‘til they can’t take any more. Chad and Brad aren’t complicated guys; they simply demand yourr respect, and if they don’t get it…it’s clobberin’ time. Don’t like it? Tuff.

The first four competitors of each team has been announced. Team CHIKARMY takes on Team Firemen, with Soldier Ant and Fire Ant captaining their respective teams. By the way, I totally made up those team names. Also, Fire and Soldier may not even be captains. It’s a bit complex. Here’s a look at the first four partner versus partner match-ups, along with who might have the advantage in each confrontation.

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First up on Classic Chikara is a clip from 2007’s Cibernetico and Robin. This is a group promo by the Kings of Wrestling, one of the teams competing in the main event. The team is Larry Sweeney, Mitch Ryder, Shayne Hawke, Team F.I.S.T., Chris Hero, and Claudio Castagnoli. Notice how Claudio is not really feeling the rest of the group. This plays a major role in their main event Cibernetico match-up against the Lince Dorado-lead group, Team Mucha Lucha. “We got a time share!”

Next up is the ending to the Cibernetico and Robin event. I wouldn’t leave you without an ending. “Mitch and Hero, basking in the glow…”

To round out the Cibernetico videos, here’s a montage of the best non-Cibernetico match to appear on a Cibernetico show. Once again from Cibernetico and Robin, here’s The Olsen Twins taking on Cheech & Cloudy.

Dasher Hatfield is apparently having some trouble getting a hold of the Super Smash Brothers. STOP He is taking matters into his own hands. STOP Watch this video right now! STOP

Finally, here’s a fantastic trailer for a recent Chikara show Never Kneel at the Altar of Conformity. It’s available right now at Smart Mark Video. Enjoy the retroness of it all.

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Welcome to CHIKARMY Insider vs Belfort, brought to you by Tequila Cazadores. Tequila Cazadores: our tequila is made out of the tears of children whose fathers died in drunk driving accidents. Feel like having some now, right? DO YOU!? STRAIGHT EDGE. Ha! Just kidding. I heart tequila. Man, it must take a lot of energy to be CM Punk on a daily basis. I’d need more prescription drugs than Rite Aid carries to function. This week, you get a DVD review of “Behind the 8-Ball”, followed by an all-new episode of Top of the Heap starring Joseph Bologna and Matt LeBlanc. Then, UltraMantis Black decides it’s a good idea to provoke a mystical order of ninjas. I’m sure that will pay off. Then, it’s on to Classic Chikara. I got that part covered. Remember to drink your Tequila Cazadores before each meal in order to achieve maximum numbness throughout the day. Science!

Chikara DVD Review:

Behind the 8 Ball

The first post-King of Trios show, Behind the 8 Ball, was significant for several reasons. F.I.S.T., the 2009 King of Trios, continued their feud with The Colony, who lost both entry into King of Trios and their brother Worker Ant to the nefarious group. For the first time since “The Artistic Pursuit of Being Yourself” on September 20^th of the previous year, former friends and tag partners Jimmy “Equinox” Olsen and Colin Delaney went one on one. Finally, in the main event, Mike Quackenbush & Jigsaw got their first shot at the Campeonatos de Parejas against the Osirian Portal.

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GREATNESS - The DVD Menu

This is just awesome. It’s one of those unannounced, unexpected things that Chikara is known for. I could recommend this DVD for the Menu video alone. Poor Crossbones…

1. Entrance Theme Medley - *****

This is my favorite of all Louden’s songs. He worked really hard to get over every single portion of the song. The stuff about F.I.S.T. was inspired. Again, here’s more awesome non-wrestling stuff that Chikara gets right.

PROMO - Jagged and Shane Matthews

I like Jagged a little more than Shane on the shtick, but both guys are very good when given time to talk. Of course, even when they’re not given time…they’ll just take it.

2. 2.0 vs. Incoherence - **3/4

This was solid action from both teams, especially Hallowicked. He hit a great Yakuza kick to the side of Shane’s face while Matthews was holding a Boston Crab on Frightmare. Speaking of which, is there any move more over in 2.0 than Shane’s Crab hold? The fans always pop big for it. Nice ending, too, setting up the next night’s encounter.

PROMO - Nevaeh

Ugh. Could this have been any less purposeful? No? Thanks a lot Nevaeh.

3. Nevaeh vs. Shark Girl - *

Can we get Daffney to wrestle as Daffney or are her chest cannons too PG-13 for Chikara? Either way, this was a waste of time. Sorry girls.

4. Escorpion Egipcio vs. Helios - ***

Wow, I was pleasantly surprised by this. I have absolutely nothing but bad things to say about Escorpion usually, but Helios is great and they actually had a nice match together. Helios has the best 630 Splash in the business in my opinion. Sorry Jackie Boy.

5. Uno, Hydra, Gerard & Hawke vs. Dos, Lee, Donst & STIGMA - ***1/4

I don’t know what to make of this match. All sorts of craziness happened in it, and some of it was really good. The STIGMA/Gerard stuff was funny, Hawke versus Donst was great, and Uno versus Dos should have given us an indication of what was to come later in the year. But there also seemed to be a lot of confusion as well. Still, lots of shenanigans here, so I dug it.

6. Shadow Phoenix vs. Gran Akuma - ***1/4

It was a little sloppy at times, but both guys really went at each other and I liked it a ton. Akuma can be very hit-and-miss with me, but he was on point here. His Spider Suplex into a Moonsault is quickly becoming one of my favorite spots in wrestling because he hits his moonsault right on target every time. Shadow Phoenix, while a little predictable, looked strong. Good match.

PROMO - Chuck Taylor and Icarus

I couldn’t kayfabe hate anyone more than I kayfabe hate Icarus. Good promo by both guys.

7. Grudge Match - F.I.S.T. (Icarus/Taylor) vs. The Colony - ***1/2

Man did they bring the hate. Some of Fire Ant’s kicks to Taylor looked absolutely devastating. I loved the finish, too. The Cross Crab is going to be on a Cattle Mutilation level of overness if they stick to pushing it this way. This was all a lead-in for the next phase of the feud, but it was still awesome by itself.

POSTMATCH - Chikarason Lays Down the Law

This was a very effective segment, and the crowd really loved it. The whole feud’s been very good throughout.

PROMO - Colin Delaney

A solid promo, but that’s not Colin’s forte. He’s a good talker, but in a group and/or in the ring.

8. Young Lions Cup – Equinox vs. Colin Delaney - ***1/4

The stuff where Delaney was getting in his former partner’s head at the beginning was done very well, but I didn’t feel like they did a ton during the match to pay it off. If anything, it seemed to backfire on Delaney…which kinda makes sense, but not in a way that makes Colin a credible challenger. Still, these guys have fantastic chemistry. I didn’t like the finish, though. Again, are we supposed to by this guy as the Young Lions Cup champion when he goes down to one punch? This match really just pantsed Colin, but they both worked well together and I enjoyed it.

9. Campeonatos de Parejas – The Osirian Portal vs. Mike Quackenbush & Jigsaw - ****

Man this was fun. Quack has come up with some of the best spots ever. Case in point: Amasis does the Hammer Dance on the apron with Mike on the outside. Quackenbush responds with, “STOP! Hammertime!” and trips him up, sending him crashing to the floor. He also hit the nastiest palm strike I’ve ever seen on “The Phunky Faraoh”. The communication between Jig and Quack also added a lot of credibility to supposed “spontaneous” tag maneuvers. I wish more teams would do that. Quack and Jigsaw weren’t alone in their; The Portal held their own very well. They are both so young, yet they already work heel better than most guys on the indy scene…and they’re only going to get better. I don’t like Amasis kicking out of the QD4, but Quacks always devalues his moves in putting over his students, so I guess it’s fine. Great stuff overall from all four guys, and must-see in my opinion.

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In my interview with him, Grizzly Redwood stated that he didn’t care who he and his partner faced for the Campeonatos because “no matter who is in front of us, Brodie will run em’ over and I’ll chop em’ to bits.” Well, the Roughnecks have to be in top form when they face the brand-spanking new champs, Fire Ant and Soldier Ant, in the main event of the October 17^th show. But don’t take my word for it; the ‘Necks have already put out some comments regarding their championship match here. Easton is in for a war!

Gran Akuma versus Jigsaw. These two gentlemen have a long and storied history with one another. Both graduated as students of the second class from the Chikara Wrestle Factory. They took very different paths; Jigsaw would go on to regularly team with Rorschach for a number of years while Akuma started as a lone wolf before defeating Mitch Ryder and joining Icarus in creating F.I.S.T. Their paths would cross in a major way during 2006, as Jigsaw and his partner Shane Storm feuded with Icarus and Akuma, resulting in Icarus losing his hair and Akuma losing his trademark mask. This year saw their rivalry grow again, as Akuma turned on Jigsaw and his trainer Mike Quackenbush, siding with YAMATO at DGUSA’s debut show. Akuma holds several victories over Jigsaw this year by way of his devastating new finisher, The Rubix Cube. They have battled again and again, but this is their first singles competition against one another in Chikara, and you better believe they’re going to bring the hate.

This year’s theme for Cibernetico is “partner versus partner”, hence the super cool avatar above. I mean, who doesn’t love Cable and Deadpool?! No participants announced so far. Sad face.

Eddie Kingston, probably still pissed off after losing to Claudio by count-out and The Order of the Neo Solar Temple due to his partners pinfall, will take it out on someone named Ryuichi Kawakami. He is apparently a BJW rookie, trained be Stretch Armstr…I mean Daisuke Sekimoto. I know nothing about him, other than he will be very sore on Monday after facing “The King of Diamonds”. Here’s a video highlighting Mr. Kawakami. Heh heh…he’s beating up 2.0…that’s always funny.

So this is what Daizee Haze and Sara Del Rey’s blog posts (HERE and HERE, respectively) lead to? THIS!? I was hoping they’d team up, try to get three points, and challenge for the Colony’s title belts. Well, they are instead tagging against one another. The Haze’s partner is Atsuko Emoto, who you can get a feel for in this video. As for Sara’s partner, El Malcriada…she faced and lost to Allison Danger at King of Trios 2007 in her only Chikara appearance. That’s all I got. Here’s a video of her facing someone named Baby A. Here’s a video of Haze vs Del Rey. Here’s a video of a monkey riding a dog at a rodeo. MWA-HA-HA! CHIKARA!

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Welcome to CHIKARMY Insider Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacka Highlander Elessar-Jankov. We’re big in Norway. First up are the results of Chikara’s two-night return to New England courtesy of ChikaraFans. There were some big changes to the cards, but both shows have gotten good reviews, especially all of the insanity that went down on Sunday. Next up is the first entry into what should become an ongoing series (unless everyone hates it, which is very possible) the appropriately anointed Horrible Gimmicks Run Amok~! Finally, we’ll take a look at the next shows coming up for Chikara, along with news and more shenanigans if I can fit them in. I’m going to go hike the Galdhopiggen Mountain, maybe listen to this rad Spelemannslag I found out about. Adjø!

“Man Makes Plans, and God Laughs” - Sept. 12th, 2009 – Results!

Preshow Notes: A nice venue here in West Springfield, with a beautiful disco ball above the ring. It’s small, but looks quite packed despite the small attendance of about 60-70. Louden has now asked fans to keep their phones on vibrate, quite odd.

1. Brendan Michael Thomas vs. Frightmare: Really fun and fast paced opener. Frightmare wins quickly in 3:14. Nothing to really write home about, fine for what it was but it wasn’t much.

2. Green Ant & Fire Ant vs. Brad Badd & Chad Badd: Chad and Brad’s big debut is refereed by Todd Sinclair, who is complete with his own CHIKARA shirt. The Badds come out strong and put the boots to the Colony. Green Ant ducked a clothesline and came back with a chop on Brad/Chad, but was stiffed hard with a clothesline by the other. He continued to get the beatdown until ducking out for the hot lucha tag to Fire Ant. The Badds put down Green Ant with their own version of the Demolition Decapitation. Fun match, though honestly, family-friendly Badds are nowhere near as fun.

3. Steve “The Turtle” Weiner vs. Grizzly Redwood: New England’s own Holyoke Joe is our ref. Turtle is wearing gear of a true pro wrestler, similar to a Gorilla Monsoon. Grizzly Redwood kicked Turtle down low in 1:51 to get DQ’d for a foul.

4. Dasher Hatfield vs. Colin Delaney: Dasher with a blue (possibly away?) jersey! Fun times, he’s over like a champ. A REALLY fun match, back and forth with a ton of near falls. Dasher was doing the gimmick stuff early, but came strong at the end, reversing the Attitude Adjuster with a Grand Slam for a win. Dasher Hatfield wins in 10:24, and the crowd rejoices!

5. Player Uno & Player Dos vs. UltraMantis Black & Delirious: Uno looking in even better shape than when I last saw him! The fans even paid him compliments in bunches. Uno and Delirious start off and both guys looked incredible…everyone’s on top of their game in this match, actually. The Order are ultra-rudo tonight, keeping the action on the ground as much as possible and cutting corners with back rakes and choking galore. The Smash Bros were about to hit a double team, but Mantis worked his way out of it before Mantis put Uno away with the Praying Mantis Bomb. Really awesome match, neck and neck with Dasher and Colin for the best so far. After the match, Dos seemed a bit peeved but it was nothing too serious.

6. Hydra vs. Tim Donst: The two brawled on the outside for a while, until Donst got him in the ring. Once the bell rang, Donst put Hydra in a submission for the win in 0:16. Kinda dumb.

7. Mike Quackenbush, Lince Dorado & Jimmy “Equinox” Olsen vs. Vin Gerard, STIGMA & X: Gerard smacked the piss out of the Greengo puppet, bringing smiles to my face. Mystery partner is…Angelina Love? Not in the country. “Duke of Dorchester”? Not here. Daizee Haze? Well, she’s here, and the UnStable have left. After taking a minute to be convinced to stay, the match is on. Quack with two dives on Vin and STIGMA, until Daizee kicks him in the gut to get the upper hand on him. Fun trios action all around here. Quack SMACKED THE LIVING HELL out of Daizee with a palm strike; what a woman beater. Daizee dropped Lince RIGHT on his head. Vin tapped out Equinox with the STF in 11:54. Jimmy’s ankle looks in seriously bad shape after the match; had to be carried to the back by his teammates.

8. The Osirian Portal vs. Icarus & Chuck Taylor: Chuck Taylor’s hair is back to normal and no longer leaking green. Ophidian asks to start the match off, looking to get some of that rust off before tomorrow’s big match against The Colony. However, Ophidian didn’t need it in the least, looking like he hadn’t spent a day out of the ring in the opening sequence. Fun stuff throughout! Icarus gets the surprise pin on Ophidian in 15:01 after a Chuck Taylor sole food targeted towards Ophidian’s arm.

9. Hallowicked vs. Claudio Castagnoli: Nothing out of the ordinary for these two – which is to say, this is probably one of the better technical matches in CHIKARA in a while, but nothing you wouldn’t expect from these two. Just a really fun singles exhibition. A grueling 20:47 sees Claudio get the win after a bit of an odd ending. Claudio went for the Ricola Bomb, Wicked tried to flip it with a ‘rana, they kinda fell under each other’s weight and Claudio landed on top for three seconds.

“Hiding in Plain Sight” - Sept. 13th, 2009 – Results!

Preshow: It’s a nice little basketball gym here packed with an attendance of around 225…well, nice until you want to do anything. A sweatbox with no accessible vending machines and no cell phone reception.

1. F.I.S.T (Icarus/Taylor) vs. Incoherence: Chuck donning a Frightmare replica mask stolen from a fan before the match. However he’s clearly not a fan of the lil’ monster, jaw jacking at him while Icarus and Wicked did battle early. Incoherence with some really fun and athletic bits early on. Frightmare goes nutty on Chuck Taylor and then plays up with the crowd maybe a bit too much, getting himself to an 11 count before Wicked picked him up and put him back in the ring. In a REALLY fun and hot opener, Wicked pins Icarus with a Graveyard Smash in 10:51 to put a point on the board for Incoherence. Great match!

2. Ariel vs. Sara del Rey: Sara is in AMAZING shape, probably the best that I’ve seen her in. Incredible. A lot of love shown all around as both women give hugs to ref John Barber, then to each other. How sweet. Actually a really good match, Sara shows why she’s easily the best woman they’ve got. She even found time to fix John Barber’s pant leg at the request of fans that were quote annoyed by his pant leg being pulled up awkwardly. Sara wins in 9:46 with the royal butterfly suplex. Really good!

Lobsterman Costa tribute. Chikarason, Hydra and Steve the Turtle Weiner award Lobsterman with the Champions of Charity award. Costa gives a really heartfelt speech, very nice sentiment…until 2.0 comes out to break up the party. Jagged claims he’s done his charity to get a plaque by throwing change at bums. Donst comes out and jumps Hydra, then 2.0 jumps Lobsterman and steal his plaque. Chikarason declares that Donst’s match with Vökoder is cancelled and that Donst is suspended for the rest of the season (60 days).

3. UltraMantis Black & Delirious [Order of the Neo-Solar Temple] vs. Eddie Kingston & Grizzly Redwood [Roughnecks]: Delirious takes out Grizzly early; Mantis lures King into the ring and the fans pop for the potential, but Delirious attacked Eddie from behind. After taking out Delirious, Eddie and Mantis hit the lucha as Kingston gets him some armdrags, dropdowns, leapfrogs and dropkicks aplenty. Delirious and Grizz then in, tons of beard-centric attacks from both guys. King and Mantis back at it with chops and strikes all over the place. Temple break every rule in the book to keep the boots on Kingston before he hulks up and throws some suplexes and Yakuzas galore…then Kingston hits a big time tope on both guys! With that lucha tag Grizzly gets in and tries to go toe to toe with Delirious while Mantis and King brutalize each other. Delirious hits the Praying Mantis Bomb on Grizz in 10:37 for the Order’s second point. Really good match yet again! After the match, Grizzly blames Kingston for not being there for him.

4. Mike Quackenbush & Jigsaw vs. Claudio Castagnoli & Bryan Danielson: Jig and Claudio start it off; Jig gets the upper hand, Danielson tags in, but Jig says that he thinks that Quack might wanna wrestle him. Some great mat wrestling between the two masters. Team Uppercut target both Quack’s back and Jig’s knee; clearly they read the sheets. Claudio with a knee wrenching one legged giant swing on Jig. This match, especially with all the work on his knee, is a real reminder on how great Danielson is. Claudio taking a page out of Bull Nakano’s playbook with some of the stretches here, ridiculous stuff. Quack had enough of the abuse on Jig and rushed the ring, slapping Danielson straight in the face, which led to Quack lighting him up with palm strikes. In 21:47, Quack catches Danielson with a flash pin to get the win in a great match. Easily the best of the weekend so far; Danielson and Jig’s sequences were above and beyond anything else in this match. “Thank you Bryan” chants ring him out. Danielson puts over the crowd, his partner, opponents. Says he hasn’t been the Best in the World for about a year now. Puts over various talent he’s worked with in the past on the same card. Challenges every indy worker to be the best in the world. Really cool speech, leaves by putting over his “incredibly heterosexual t-shirts at the merch table”.

5. The UnStable and 2.0 vs. Dasher Hatfield, Lince Dorado, Carpenter Ant, Green Ant & X: Jimmy is out due to last night’s ankle injury. Jimmy’s replacement is…Matt Classic? Not here. Scott Goldman? Nope. Colt Cabunny? He’s not here. Colt Cabana? HE’S HERE! Classic Colt is the replacement partner, to a huge ovation. Colony doing work on Jagged to start it off, followed by some Lince and Gerard stuff. Finally, a battle of the future endeavored as Colin and Cabana square off. A ton of Cabana comedy with these two, good times. This match is 100% CHIKARA – fun comedy, great high-speed action, and oh my god Louden doing baseball commentary and there is a full blown baseball game going on in the ring! Dasher’s at third, Cabana at bat. Gerard pitching with STIGMA at catcher in the bottom of the ninth. First pitch…ball. Second pitch…strike. Count is 1-1. Crowd starts a “We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher” chant. Pitch three…it’s a long fly ball deep to right! The technico squad all run the bases with dropkicks on Colin at home! CABANA’S SAFE AT HOME! Shane Matthews objects and dumps water on umpire Bryce Remsburg…the ump ejects him! Bench clearing brawl ensues! Dasher with a baseball slide and the technicos all make dives! Shane Matthews threatens to dive as everyone’s laid out, and LOBSTERMAN’S OUT FOR REVENGE! Hits Matthews with a brass knuck loaded lobster claw. Lince gets a moonsault in 16:17 after all this madness for the win. Absolutely amazing!

6. Young Lions Cup ~ V1: Player Dos© vs. Player Uno: Crowd is hot and split right down the middle for this one. A true battle of power vs. speed; Uno hitting big moves like a beast while Dos is doing all the big dives. They definitely brought out the competitive fire in each other with hard strikes and huge moves from both guys. UNO takes to the skies with a huge moonsault for 2.9. Amazing match, Dos wins in an unknown time with a Spanish fly.

7. CHIKARA Campeonatos de Parejas ~ V4: The Osirian Portal© vs. Fire Ant & Soldier Ant:

Primera Caida: Very basic stuff early, Colony lit up Amasis with chops. The Portal really looked exceptional early on, fluid as all hell with everything they do. Portal puts the boots down on Soldier Ant until he gets the tag to Fire, who nearly gets the same treatment but fights out safely. Twin dives by The Colony, Soldier Ant KILLING a chair in the process. Soldier Ant hits a TKO on Amasis in 13:25 to go up 1-0. Ophidian is incredibly angry.

Segunda Caida: Ophidian rushes Soldier for the death grip but they both fall out of the ring. Fire and Amasis brawl all over in the meantime. Nearly a double countout as all four guys run around the outside killing one another. Crazy stuff here, awesome match with the crowd firmly behind the Colony. Ophidian may have hurt his arm again, no good. Amasis goes for the 450 and misses, Soldier Ant puts him in the Special but Ophidian helps him escape. Roundhouse head kicks between Ophidian and Fire. Fire Ant with the Beach Break for two. Armbar on Ophidian! He taps! The Colony win the Campeonatos de Parejas in two straight falls! Final time of 24:35. Incredible match! After the match, the Portal handed over the belts, admitting defeat.

OK, so this first creation is…not my most inspired work. I’m not sure why I lead with my strangest creation, but I did. Maybe I just want to make sure everyone understands just exactly how unusual I can be, so there will be no surprises in that regard. The artwork is done by Bailey Sharp, an up-and-coming artist who will take the world by storm, so long as the rest of us don’t blow it up before she gets the chance. Please visit her recently-created blog Red Fed Head to see what she’s up to. And now, without further rambling, I present to you my first horrible gimmick: “The Spirit of the West” Noisy Farts, half-man, half-tumbleweed!

The unfortunately named Noisy Farts, a family appellation taken from his great grandfather, Noisington Farts, was born in Loveland, Oklahoma, a town of 16 people. The son of a plumber and a school teacher, Noisy went out of county to Grandfield Elementary School, and later, Grandfield High School. For obvious reasons, he was picked on mercilessly in middle school, and it only got worse in high school. Kids would throw their lunch at him, spit on him…they would even fart on him, shouting “Now that’s a noisy fart!”. This was particularly sad since Noisy was not a very gassy individual. When he finally stood up for himself, he was soundly beaten by a six-foot tall ninth grader named Latch. After the altercation, Noisy begged his parents for self-defense classes, which they refused. His mother offered an alternative however: gymnastics. As a former gymnast herself, she felt this was a fantastic opportunity to live vicariously through her son.

After two months of closed-door practice, Noisy’s mother finally got the chance to see her son fulfill her own dreams. Much to her dismay, he did not appear to be with the team during their exhibition. Afterwards, she accosted the coach, wanting an explanation. She was told that Noisy didn’t take to gymnastics very well, but he turned out to be an excellent tumbler. “He has the most fluid rolls of any human being I’ve ever seen”, the coach remarked, “but he mostly just rolls a lot and watches wrestling in the corner.” Noisy’s mother, confused and bitter once again, took her son out of the class the next day.

Though he had no future in gymnastics, Noisy realized his coach was right: he was a natural tumbler. He used this new-found skill at school to defend himself again his many bullies. He learned how to roll his way out of any punch, kick, or pizza tossed his way. One particularly notable fight came against his mortal enemy Latch, now a 6’ 3” sophomore. Latch chased Noisy outside, where the youngster showed off his first-rate front rolls. As he began to do this, the dry roots of plants began to accumulate on his rather economical clothing. When Latch finally caught up with Noisy and delivered a hurricane punch to gut, it was Latch who got the worst of the exchange, hand throbbing from the spiny ends of the shrubbery. He became a cult hero in the school for defeating Latch, meaning that he still wasn’t very popular. People stopped throwing food at him, though.

After he graduated high school, Noisy joined a local wrestling academy, where he had limited success. He found that his equilibrium was easily lost when he tried to run the ropes or even walk inside the ring. After weeks of frustration, he decided to start rolling again. Now that he had mastered moving around the ring, he found himself as one of the top talents at the school. He was still plagued by the insults and barbs of fellow students, a fact that made it hard for him to keep focus. Instead of recoiling, he decided to embrace what he did best. Before every match, he would roll in the tumbleweeds around the gym, even covering his face with a well-sculpted one that he made himself. Once he made the tumbleweed his identity, he felt no fear in the ring, and now…the Oklahoma sky’s the limit!

THIS IS NOT NEWS…OK IT IS.

- Remember, Chikara has two shows in October: “An Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World” Saturday, October 17th in Easton & “Cibernetico Increible” Sunday, October 18th in Philadelphia. Jigsaw vs. Gran Akuma has been announced for Saturday’s show, but both are still recovering from injuries, so I’ll wait to flesh out that long and storied rivalry until I’m sure the match will remain.

- I did an interview with Grizzly Redwood a while back, and just in case you missed it, you can read it HERE. He talks about fake wood, beard grooming, Bryan Danielson, and his own sandwich. READ IT!

- The Chikara Store will be stocking Dasher Hatfield replica masks very soon. Be excited.

- Next week’s column will feature a DVD review of Behind the 8-Ball, October show news, and Classic Chikara. How are you still not excited?! Fine, whatever. Enjoy your week…jerk.

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Welcome to CHIKARMY Insider and Sensibility, two things that don’t exactly go together smoothly. Lamb and tuna fish they are not. I was going to use another Jane Austen suffix to the column name, but I didn’t like the idea of the word prejudice in the title. Also, you know how you know you’ve made your mark on the world with your writing? When the last name of one of your characters is universally associated with being, like the character, an unwavering prick. I have been accused of being a “Darcy” in the past, but I disagreed vehemently. Still do. This week, you get the King of Trios: Night 3 DVD Review, news about next week’s Chikara shows in the north-east, and some Classic Chikara moments for your viewing pleasure.

Chikara DVD Review:

King of Trios: Night 3

On the final night of King of Trios 2009, the four remaining teams battled over who would be called the greatest triumvirate on the globe. The first semifinal match featured the dominant Team Uppercut taking on The UnStable. The second match featured massive rudo team F.I.S.T. facing the high-flying team The Future is Now. The winners of each match would face each other in the Main Event Finals. Also on Night 3: the finals of the 2009 Rey de Voladores, featuring Player Dos as a massive underdog against the exhilarating Kota Ibushi.

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PROMO - The UnStable

This was just kind of there. Wasn’t funny or interesting. It perfectly fit the UnStable: I don’t hate them, but I wouldn’t miss them if they magically disappeared.

1. The UnStable vs Team Uppercut - ***3/4

Great match that told a simple story: The UnStable suck, Uppercut doesn’t, and the weaselly rudos will do anything to get a win. Some of the early near-falls were fantastic and everyone did a great job. Cool seeing Dave hit his finisher, the dreaded float-over, bridging double underhook suplex!

2. F.I.S.T. vs The Future Is Now - ****1/4

This was my favorite match of the entire weekend. Seriously. You know when the fans get behind TFIN, even for a few minutes, something must be going right. Lince had to have broken a few ribs on his dive to the outside. His backflip uranage was good, but the 630 Senton Helios followed it with was even better. Great finish, too. Some people will argue that I’ve overrated this, but everyone played their roles to perfection, hit some innovative spots, and got TONS of heat. I’m also a sucker for a good heat segment (see: Finals).

3. El Generico vs Arik Cannon - ***1/4

Good back and forth action from these two. I’m not a huge “Anarchist” fan and he didn’t really do anything here to change my opinion. His punches are the only thing he adds to a match, but Generico trying (and failing) to brawl back was so cool. Hot finish, though the Glimmering Warlock is pretty stupid. It should be called “Fat Black Magic”. I think I’m being too hard on the guy. He really is a good grappler. I must be prejudicial for some reason.

4. Tag Team Gauntlet - ***1/4

This was SO long. It went at least 40 minutes, and only the last 10 or so were even worth watching. That said, it was an outstanding last few minutes. We got Soul Touchaz/Young Bucks, Bucks/Up in Smoke, UIS/Brodie & Grizzly, and The Roughnecks facing QuackenSaw to end it on a high. Still…TOO DAMN LONG.

PROMO - The North Star Colony

While the Ants order Green Ant to do up-downs, Darin Corbin and Ryan Cruz said…something. I was too busy giggling at Fire Ant listening to his iPod using his long ant ears to hear what they were saying.

5. Amasis, Ophidian, KUDO & Michael Nakazawa vs The Colony & North Star Express - ***1/2

Pretty funny match. Amasis and Chucky T should have a girlish scream-off. Dunno who’d win (lose?). KUDO hit some really nasty stuff. NSE hit a move called Shellshock, a double hip attack. It’s incredibly stupid (not in a good way) and the Express hit the damn thing in EVERY match they were in. Needs to go. Nakazawa’s Slippery Ring of Impassability was a sight to behold, as was his less successful Slippery Suplex. KUDO’s finish was nice. I’d like to see he and Akuma go at it one-on-one.

PROMO - Eddie Kingston

I personally think King is very COMFORTABLE in front of a microphone, if not always very passionate. I know, criminal right? Well, it’s my opinion and I stand behind it, just out of backfist range. He was fine here, but sometimes when he’s not SUPER PISSSSSED and just being himself, he can lose focus.

6. Austin Aries vs Eddie Kingston - ***1/2

Awesome fun from both guys. The early going saw Aries force Eddie to keep running the ropes. When Kingston got too winded to move, Aries slapped him and took two victory laps. Then Eddie got mad. Some vicious strikes by both guys, and Kingston Sliding-D looked like it may have wrecked his elbow. Or Eddie sells like a master. Either could be true.

7. Rey de Voladores Final - Player Dos vs Kota Ibushi - ***1/2

“Holy Crap, Kota Ibushi has some crazy flips and dives! He’s so innovative!” That was me a year ago. Now? Eh. I’ve seen it all before. There’s no magic left in a lot of Ibushi’s tricks. Still, it was pretty exciting, and Dos added a nice underdog element. He nailed a crazy suicide corkscrew senton to a standing Ibushi, and worked in a few good spots between Kota’s. Not a classic, but still very fun, and once again the crowd really elevates the experience.

PROMO - Team Uppercut

Apparently, in a game of “Rock, F.I.S.T., Uppercut”, Uppercut beats F.I.S.T. every time. Seems like a poorly thought out game then. UPPERCUT!

8. King of Trios Final - F.I.S.T. vs Team Uppercut - ****

I really wanted to bump this higher, but it was criminally short at about eleven minutes. Still, it’s the third best match of all three nights, just below the Night 2 RVD match with Kota and Generico. As I mentioned before, the work over segment in this was really good. It wasn’t spectacular, but because no other teams did any long workovers in the tournament, F.I.S.T. doing it felt fresh and worked wonderfully. There were two absolutely amazing near falls in this and they really added to the drama. And the finish…my God the finish. Never in my life did I think I’d see it. The crowd exploded with shock. So did I. Great match. Great tournament.

Added to Man Makes Plans, and God Laughs:

Chikara’s return to Massachusetts wouldn’t be complete without one of their signature Six-Man Tag Matches. West Springfield will see “Lightning” Mike Quackenbush team with Golden Lynx and Aequus Nox to face STIGMA and two guys that are totally not related, Vin Gerard and Chuck Taylor. Hopefully, Chuck’s hair has turned back to his natural color. Chuck’s reward for trading Green Ant’s costume to a young Japanese wrestler was some funky Japanese hair tonic designed to grow hair back quickly, which turned his chocolate main into a grass green mess. Way to haggle, champ. As per usual with Chikara Pro, this randomly-assembled, completely unpredictable multi-man could very easily steal the show.

The ant is considered one of the most durable animals in creation. They are focused, can lift 20 times their own body weight, and they come in numbers. That being said, they have serious disadvantages and weaknesses. They are not fond of water or concentrated sunlight, have no defense for pest control chemicals, and they can be defeated with a swift series of shoe stomps. Well, Fire Ant and Green Ant will have to overcome these biological shortcomings when they face Brad and Chad Badd: The Badd Boyz, a tread-loving tandem if there ever was one. The Badd Boyz, regulars in Inter Species Wrestling, will look to do what 2.0, a ridiculous and completely unrelated tag team, couldn’t do back at YLC: Night 1: defeat the Colony. In that match, it was Soldier Ant teaming with Fire Ant. This time around, the very young Green Ant steps in and hopes to replicate his fellow Ant’s success against Chad and Brad.

It would appear that Player Uno and Player Dos, the Super Smash Brothers, have no ill will towards each other, despite Dos beating Uno on his way to The Young Lions Cup. They’ll need to stay a tight unit against the nefarious rudos from The Order of the Neo-Solar Temple, UltraMantis Black and his mind-controlled minion Delirious. But the Smash Brothers should be fine. They’re both men, almost brothers even, and they should be able to put aside any tension harbored from the YLC tournament in their effort to get back into tag team title contention. I mean, these guys love each other. They’re all BFF on MySpace, kicking back playing Missile Command in their leisure. There is absolutely no reason to believe that these two guys, despite Player Dos being the singles champion in Chikara, can’t come together as the powerful duo they once were and reclaim their Campeonatos de Parejas. Unless, you know…Player Uno challenges Dos for the Young Lions Cup. But even then, for there to be immediate tension, it’d have to take place on, like, the next night in New Hampshire.

Added to Hiding in Plain Sight:

WHAT!? Oh come on! Not cool, guys. Not cool! And it’s for the Young Lions Cup!? GUYS! My best friend Ally and I spent all that time on this week’s CHIKARMY Insider banner, and now it might serve as little more than a painful reminder of your eventual divorce. I’m so…ugh. OK, it’s alright. Like I was saying before, these two guys are friends and friends don’t take things personally. Like the time my brother took my Nintendo 64 with him on vacation and didn’t send it back like he said he would. I let that go, so Uno and Dos should…uh…you know what? I didn’t let that go. I mean, what kind of nonsense is that; to just take something, make a promise, and not honor it? It’s 62.5 MHz of malarkey, that’s what it is! See, now I’m really mad. Kyle, when I get my hands on you, I’ll, uh…well, I guess I wasn’t as over it as I thought I was. Hopefully, these two comrades are more mature than me and my brother, or else it’s R.I.P. SSB I guess.

If Delirious and his pompous puppeteer UltraMantis Black manage to get past The Colony in Springfield, then their match against Eddie Kingston and Grizzly Redwood, two-thirds of The Roughnecks, will take on greater meaning. A win over the Ants and a win over the ‘Necks would put The Order on the fast-track to a tag-team title fight. The Roughnecks have questions of their own. Ever since losing to Incoherence back at The Bobliographon, the ‘Necks have been a tag team, without third member Eddie Kingston. Whether there’s any animosity between the two is anyone’s guess. I probably should have asked Grizzly when I had the chance. Instead, I asked him what he “marked” for. Ugh. I may not be smart man, but…I got nothing here. I dropped the ball this time guys. I shall improve.

This is called karma, Mr. Tim Donst. First, you turn on your friend Hydra after a match, brutalizing him in the center of the ring. Then, you bury your teacher Mike Quackenbush in a blog post on Chikara’s main site. Well, turning rudo has its consequences, and that result is Vökoder. Vökoder has been on a warpath ever since debuting on Night 2 of the Young Lions Cup, where he rolled through the competition and nearly got to the finals before being stopped by the eventual winner, Player Dos. Both men have something to prove. For Donst, it’s whether he’s really better off turning his back on his friends. For Vökoder, it’ll be interesting to see if his dominance continues or whether he was just the right guy at the right time in the tournament. There were claims that Vökoder had started to gain “robot powers” right before he was pinned by Dos, a fact that does not bode well for young Donst. This is a good lesson for all you kids out there: if you turn on your friends, your boss will make you fight a robot. As classic a lesson as there has ever been.

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WSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNE!

- In October, Chikara is running two shows: “An Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World” Saturday, October 17th in Easton & “Cibernetico Increible” Sunday, October 18th in Philadelphia. It has been suggested that this year’s Cibernetico will be partner versus partner, continuing the theme from YLCV7. Wait, so Uno and Dos could face each other AGAIN!?!? EXPRESSION OF ANGER!

- The entire Young Lions Cup weekend is out now on DVD. Link at the bottom. Buy them all, or you won’t be able to get into The T-Birds or The Pink Ladies. The Cycle Lords will mock you. It’ll be a whole thing. Just buy them!

- DGUSA’s first PPV, Enter the Dragon, debuted on Friday night. It was outstanding, and the Chikara Showcase match stole the damn show. After the match, Quack challenged any DG wrestler to face any Chikara wrestler. YAMATO came out and kicked Mike low, a clear sign of disrespect. Jigsaw and Gran Akuma made the save…then Akuma turned on Jigsaw! Well, it seems that YAMA appreciated Akuma’s help, so at DGUSA’s second event, Open the Untouchable Gate in Chicago on September 6^th, it’s Mike Quackenbush and Jigsaw taking on YAMATO and Gran Akuma. If you’re in Chicago this weekend, there’s no reason to miss it!

- Next week’s column will be on Sunday, and will contain results from the two Chikara shows, and news that may rear its head, and the first installment of Horrible Gimmicks Run Amok~!

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Classic Chikara!

- Already seemingly a classic, this first video features the debut of Dasher Hatfield, CAW’s latest incarnation. His music is incredibly awesome, and here’s hoping the fans stay behind him.

- Next weekend’s shows will feature the return of The Osirian Portal now that Ophidian has healed up. Here’s a video montage of some of their wacky tandem offense, which includes dancing, lots of arm drags, and just a pinch of hypnosis.

- Finally, and perhaps most painfully, here’s a video on the Super Smash Brothers, who will probably break up before the year is out and I’ll cry and require therapy and get shock treatment and then I’ll be fine…if a little twitchier. Next week, I will see you.

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Welcome all ye who dare enter CHIKARMY Insider: Revolutions. Where the unbelievable is real and reality is…still very really. Don’t get any funny ideas. If you die in CHIKARMY Insider, you die in the real world. Your mind makes it real. Also, you know how your abilities only sensibly work within The Insider? Well, by the second movie, they’ll inexplicably work outside of it, too. Don’t question it, but when you realize it in a moment of panic, pass out directly afterward. Then, after your girlfriend dies, become some sort of bizarro world Jesus and die for our technological sins. Then repeat, if you believe the bearded voyeur guy in the room full of TVs. I think that’s how it happened. Man, this got weird quick. I don’t apologize.

So this week’s edition starts off with a blog post from Mike Quackenbush stating that, even though he’s only at 50%, he’ll still a fighter. Next comes the part where the QuackenSaw tag in Massachusetts is mysteriously cancelled. Confused? So was I. Well, it turns out that it all relates to the announcement of Bryan Danielson’s return to Chikara Pro, as part of his farewell tour that most are calling The Final Countdown. I think I’ll call it American Dragon’s Treacherous Traversing of Mount WWE (Why Doesn’t He Just Fly?). The answer to that is simple: now that Rey Mysterio has been suspended for “Spanky-ing”, only Evan Bourne may fly. Just so long as he doesn’t fly high, apparently. Anyway, Danielson requested a special match-up for his last Chikara match, revealed below. Finally, Chikara is running a massive secret but not-so-secret sale on their website. Information’s below. Visit their store and receive 5 cool points courtesy of Napa Auto Care. Napa: Now with 12% More Auto Care! Read on!

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Added to Man Makes Plans, and God Laughs:

If you plan on being anywhere in the Massachusetts area on September 19^th, around seven o’clock or so, be sure to stop by the Elk Lodge on Morgan Lake to witness…not the tag match a promised you a couple of weeks ago. I über hyped that sucker, and now it ain’t happenin’. I’m not going to revel in the past here, folks. I’ m gonna keep this hype train going strong, which is easy when the first replacement match-up announced is “Very European” Claudio Castagnoli vs. “The Pumpkined Punisher” Hallowicked. God I love monikers. Jerome recently allowed me to be Czar of Funk on our group Facebook page, so it’s only gonna get nuttier from here. As for the match-up, it ought to speak for itself, as both men not only rank among Chikara’s tallest opponents, but they are also two of the company’s most talented. This is Hallowicked’s first singles match this year, and he’ll look to make the most of it at the expense of a streaking Double C, who holds wins over Tim Donst and Eddie Kingston in his last few solo contests.

So we won’t get any Frightmare / Jigsaw exchanges just yet, but “The Little Lunatic” will get his hands on the guy who pulled off the biggest upset of Young Lions Cup VII: Brendan Michael Thomas (who, as it turns out, is not the guy from Home Improvement). Frightmare was unseated by the pink-clad fro-warrior in his Chikara debut, and another win over Frightmare would go a long way in ensuring consistent role in the company for BMT. By the way, I had a BMT today for lunch, and it was amazing. I’m not even kidding. My best friend works at Subway, and she hooks me up with a free sandwich whenever I behave or do something nice. I, uh…I don’t get as many sandwiches as you might think.

Well, it’s official: The Sea Donsters are no more. No more sing-a-longs. No more camaraderie. No more hugs. Tim Donst, after suffering defeat to Hydra at YLC7: Night 1, seemed to be genuinely happy for his young friend. Well it all went wrong on the third night of the Young Lions Cup, as Donst turned on his former sea mate, destroying him in the middle of the ring. Donst explained why in a blog post on a fan site supporting a Blade Runner remake. I killed them all. Donst rips Hydra on Chikara’s site, saying “When will you get it? You were nothing but comic relief with the Temple, and as a Sea Donster you made me nothing more than a joke! Well come September, no one is going to be laughing when I tear you limb from limb.” Wowsers. Sounds like someone needs to snack on some Combos, watch Twilight, have a good cry with his girlfriends, and eat pillow. Donst elaborated further, stating his agenda: First, I’m going to have my revenge for YLC: Night 1, and then I’m going take the Cup. By any means necessary. I think we can all get behind this chant: Go Hydra Go Hydra Go-Go-Go! Or something similar.

Colin Delaney, still reeling from his loss in the finals of the Young Lions Cup tournament to Player Dos, will have to try and avoid a slump if he’s to best the “Old Timey King of Swing” Dasher Hatfield. Create-A-Wrestler’s latest encarnation is his most successful yet, nearly getting to the finals of the YLC himself before getting thrown out at home…eliminated by Colin Delaney as the last man in the Six-Man Eliminator. Like a batter nailed in back after hitting a dinger, Dasher will be looking for vengeance against the man that had to throw absolutely every he had at him, including blatant Pete Rose-level cheating, to beat him. But it’s a fresh set of downs for Hatfield. Wait, that’s a football reference. Well, I only have so many baseball ones before I gotta tap a deeper well, and football’s a sport I just know a little better. There’s really nothing better than a cold beer on a hot summer’s day at Turner Field, though. Seriously, go outside. I betcha it’s beautiful out…unless you live on the East Coast, then you might wanna stay indoors. Someone named Danny might kick you right in the whole body if he gets a look at you.

Added to Hiding in Plain Sight:

For Bryan Danielson’s final match in Chikara, he requested a very special match-up. Apparently, this plea involved teaming with long-time buddy and increasingly heelish Swiss giant, Claudio Castagnoli. Their opponents might be the most underappreciated tag team anywhere in the States, a fact which should change come September 6^th in Chicago at DGUSA’s second event. On that show, Mike Quackenbush and Jigsaw will tag together in a heated and bitter match with company versus company implications. A week later, on September 13^th in Nashua, things look a tad brighter, but make no mistake: Bryan Danielson is a competitor. Exit or no exit, wins and losses matter to him. Whether this will play as a friendly rivalry or heated reflection of their history, one thing for certain is that NEW HAMPSHIRE IS FULL OF SOME LUCKY FOLKS. LUCKY, LUCKY FOLKS. DRAGON. QUACK. CLAUDIO. JIGSAW. I HATE NEW HAMPSHIRE. Apparently, they also have the absolute best prices for all forms of alcohol anywhere in country, according to my expert research. This means I DOUBLE HATE NEW HAMPSHIRE! [/jealousy]

Holy Carp! Chikara’s debut in Nashua, already boasting an impressive line-up, gets a little more impressive with the announcement of a Ten-Man Technico vs Rudo Tag Team Match. Team Good Guys sees the youngest half of the Colony, Green Ant and his not so BFF Carpenter Ant, teaming together for the first time with Dasher Hatfield and The Future is Now members Jimmy “Equinox” Olsen and Lince Dorado. Team Rudo consists of the wacky 2.0 and the much less wacky trio, The UnStable. It is a rare occurrence that Chikara puts on Five on Five tags, so this could have Cibernetico implications for next month’s Cibernetico Incredible event. Both teams will have their share of intersquad issues that must be resolved, with Green Ant and Carpenter ant not seeing eye-to-eye and Two Point Oh not exactly working the way the usually smileless UnStable does. This will also be the second time Dasher Hatfield has a chance to get his hands on the man that robbed him of a trip to the YLC finals, Colin Delaney. Hopefully, he’ll come through in the clutch for his team. Had to get one more baseball reference in.

Chuck Taylor’s first Chikara singles match since losing to Fire Ant back at Vanity and Violence (unless you count the two he had on the BJW Tour…I don’t.) is against the dangerous, rambunctious youngster Frightmare. Frightmare, depressed and suicidal following the recent death of his wife, nearly killed a disarmed suspect after entering a psychotic rage during a drug bust. Wait…that might have been Mel Gibson’s character Riggs in Lethal Weapon. Yeah, it was Riggs. I’m on a roll so I can’t stop to backspace, nor would I want to even if I could. Actually, I got nothing else to say about Frightmare facing Chuck Taylor other than Chucky works well with the tiny guys, so I have high expectations. Here are some more “fun” facts about New Hampshire: Tupperware originated there, as well as America’s first modern lottery, ski lift, and LED traffic lights. For more information…go to New Hampshire I guess. While you’re there, watch Frightmare take on Chuck Taylor. Should be a good one.

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RANDOM NEWS FOR READING PURPOSES~!

- Tired of searching the internet for great ways to spend your money? Well, you’re in luck! All three nights of the Young Lions Cup tournament will be available for purchase at Smark Mark Video on Tuesday. Get’em while they’re hot!

- The Chikara Store is having a sale on all masks and t-shirts to make room for new merchandise. It’s a Buy 2, Get 1 Free Sale! Mix and match two shirts or masks, and simply put your desired free item of equal value in the comments section of the PayPal order! Plus, they’ll be stuffing each order with retro Chikara goodies, and one lucky orderererer will win an Autographed Copy of the 2009 Chikara Yearbook that got lost in the shuffle! ORDER THINGS!

- Next week, right here at CHIKARMY Insider (waits for pop), the final King of Trios DVD Review, Night 3, will be put up with more updates from the September shows, and some Classic Chikara to cherry that sundae. I’m hoping to do my first installment of Horrible Gimmicks Run Amok~! the following week, but we shall see. Goodnight Canada!

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This week’s CHIKArtie, the Strongest Man in the Insider features a dazzling review of King of Trios: Night 2, an update on all upcoming shows in Chikara, and…that’s it. Yeah, so not my strongest outing ever, but it was inventory this week, so I was swamped. Plus, Chikara’s between shows, so it can get a little slim in the news department. I wanted to debut a new bit here on these pages but I couldn’t decide which one was worse: Horrible Gimmicks Run Amok! where I feature a really awful, eye-rolling gimmicks for Chikara fans to mock mercilessly, or Six Degrees of Chikara, where I attempt to connect a Chikara regular with a famous person in six degrees or less. That last one sounds like way more fun with e-mails from fans (Fans? What fans?) so I’ll probably end up doing the gimmick one starting in a week or so. As it stands, enjoy what I done for ya. ENJOY IT!

Chikara DVD Review:

King of Trios: Night 2

On the second night of the 2009 King of Trios tournament, the eight winning teams from Night 1 did battle to secure spots in the final four on Night 3. Here were the teams:

Also taking place on Night 2: the 2009 Rey de Voladores, a tournament designed to pit the best high flyers in the business against one another. That’s right: a tournament within a tournament! Two four-man elimination matches would determine which two wrestlers went to the finals on Night 3. Here were the competitors:

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1. Austin Aries vs Matt Jackson vs Player Dos vs Fire Ant - ***3/4

Lots of energy in this one, and it was a great way to kick off the show. I was actually most impressed by Matt Jackson. Never thought I’d see the day Player Dos pinned A-Double, who reverted to his heel character inexplicably.

PROMO - The F1RST Family

This was going ok…then Darin Corbin went crazy. He went “Macho Man” and threatened all manner of violence. His stablemates had a hard time restraining him. Very funny.

2. The F1RST Family vs F.I.S.T. - ***1/2

A very solid match between two of the longest tagging trios in Chikara. Everybody hit their stuff, and I love it when Icarus picks up a win off a pedigree. That always pisses the crowd right off. A six-man triangle choke makes an appearance as well.

3. The Submission Squad vs Davey Vega & Gary the Barn Owl - *

I originally wrote this a couple months ago, and I summed up this match with a one-word slur used by Cartman on the episode of South Park entitled “Fatbeard”. I found it hilariously accurate at the time, but the reference now seems dated, so I’ll say instead, “Man these guys is foos. They should not come back to Chikara. They would be just turrible.” Round Mound for all win ever.

PROMO - The Future is Now

This was as generic as it gets, although I was impressed with how comfortable Jimmy Ol…I mean Equinox…was in the promo.

4. The Osirian Portal vs The Future Is Now - **3/4

Look, I actually like TFIN, but you gotta hit your spots, guys. Escorpion’s suckitude was not as prevalent in this. Still, I liked this just as much as the Future’s first-round match…in that I didn’t. Lince nearly killing himself on a dive was pretty funny though. Also, I just added the word “suckitude” to my Microsoft Word dictionary. Something tells me I will need it from time to time, especially when dealing with singles matches from STIGMA. Heh-heh, a Shane Storm potshot. I’m so cool…

5. El Generico vs Nick Jackson vs Jigsaw vs Kota Ibushi - ****1/4

Sweaty Balls! This was insane! I thought the entire crowd was going to drop dead of an overdose of kickassery. The Kota/Generico stuff was legend, again. This is one of those matches that sneaks up on you, because you don’t think that the sum parts could possibly all maximize their potential in one glorious moment of wrestling glory…but it does. It so totally does. My only complaint would be that the pinfalls happened too quickly, but it was still the best frickin’ match of Night 2.

PROMO - The UnStable

This was slightly better than TFIN’s promo, if only for the entire team constantly stroking their mustaches. Vin’s was pretty impressive, but Aries should have showed up with an electric razor threatening a “lip stripping”. Oh well.

6. The UnStable vs. Da Soul Touchaz - ***1/4

Gotta be honest, the only thing I remember from this was Willie and Marshe pulling out a russian leg sweep / lungblower combo. It was bananas. Oh, and Willie applying a sick double stacked boston crab. I think Gerard got a flash roll-up. *shrugs*

PROMO - The Super Smash Bros.

Uno was boring me until Dos showed up with a present. I really like both of those guys, and the new outfits were pretty damn sharp.

7. Twiggy vs. Player Uno - ***

This was fine, I guess. I’m a fan of Uno and I liked his and Dos’ new ring gear. Twiggy’s finisher was called “The Al Bundy Fan Club”. No Ma’am references were a’ plenty. I giggled.

PROMO - Team Uppercut

Dave Taylor can’t wait to take on Johnny Saint. Claudio wants a piece of Quack. Danielson…well…he doesn’t know Skayde…but he can’t wait to get his hands on him! UPPERCUT!

8. Team Uppercut vs Masters Of A Thousand Holds - ****1/4

The first time I watched this match, for some reason, I was really let down by it. I remember being completely underwhelmed, and at times a tad bored. Having rewatched the match for this review, I’ve come to the conclusion that I fell asleep and dreamt of a different, much less interesting match. This match is great. There’s some surprising sloppiness from Quack and Claudio, but nothing too distracting. Claudio actually said recently that, when all is said and done, he may be most proud of this contest. There were tons of wrestling nerd moments. Saint facing Dragon and Taylor was just so cool. Hot finish to this as well. BRING. DAVE. TAYLOR. BACK. ALWAYS.

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Added to Man Makes Plans, and God Laughs:

During a recent sit-down interview, “Lightning” Mike Quackenbush mentioned Steve “The Turtle” Weiner with great fondness, stating that he “deserves every booking that he gets”. Well, Leonard F. Chikarason must feel the same way, because “The Turtle” isn’t booked against any opponent. He’s got to tangle with the red-hot Grizzly Redwood. The “Littlest Lumberjack” is unde-fricken-feated this year in singles matches. I’m dead serious. So it will take all Weiner has if he is to best the Grizz. I would bring fancy technology to confuse Redwood, like a robot dog or a Neo Geo, and hope to secure a roll-up. But I’m a coward. I’m no man. I’m not…Steve “The Turtle” Weiner.

Well there ain’t no rest for the wicked, as Ophidian will have to jump right back in the saddle and make his long-awaited return to Chikara as The Osirian Portal defend their belts against 66.6% of F.I.S.T., Icarus and Gran Akuma. It has been about four and a half months since the Portal have defended their straps, and with several other challengers on the horizon, Amasis and Ophidian cannot make the mistake of overlooking Chikara’s veteran duo, who will be challenging for the belts for the first time in over a year. A win here would make F.I.S.T. the first two-time holder of the tag titles in Chikara, but a Portal victory would tie them with Incoherence as the team with the most tag title defenses. History will be made in Massatu…Massetchu… the Elks Lodge.

Added to Hiding in Plain Sight:

LFC continues to pile on the fun in New Hampshire, where the main event will see The Colony challenge for the Campeonatos de Parejas. Their opponents will be determined in the main event of the previous night’s shows, as the winner of Portal vs F.I.S.T. not only gets the gold, they get to face Fire and Soldier Ant the next night! Let us take a look at our options here:

A) The Colony face The Osirian Portal in a rematch of their tremendous match back at Revelation X, only this time it will be contested under standard 2 out of 3 Falls rules and the Ant won’t have to worry about Escorpion…yeah, let’s not mention him again. Who this favors is anyone’s guess, but the Portal will have the advantage going into the contest having already beat bested The Colony previously.

B) Fire and Soldier Ant take on Icarus and Akuma in a reigniting of their blood-feud that seemingly ended at Aniversario Yang with Icarus and Chuck Taylor losing their respective manes. However, these two teams have not actually faced each other in a tag match since Two Eyebrows are Better than One back in January of 2008. That contest ended with the Ants going over, but it’s been a while since then, and F.I.S.T. is on fire this year, so it’s anyone’s game.

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There has been a change to the show names of upcoming Chikara events. On October 17^th and 18^th, in Easton and Philadelphia, Chikara presents An Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World followed by the annual Torneo Cibernetico event Cibernetico Incredible. A month later on November 21^st and 22^nd, Chikara will run Eaton and Philly again, this time for Throwing Life’s Instructions Away on Saturday and Three-Fisted Tales as the Season Finale show on Sunday. Se yu net wek1

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This week’s “Super-Special Sunday with Secret Sauce” edition of CHIKARMY Insider features full results from Young Lions Cup VII, with comments on each night, a look at the next two upcoming Chikara shows in September, and Classic Chikara segments that should be better than anything you’ve ever seen. Unless you’ve been to movies or have cable or have seen Chikara live or own a dog, in which case it’s right on par with all of that good stuff. On to more of my crappy Photoshop creations!

Young Lions Cup VII: Night One

August 14th, 2009

Preshow Notes: Doors have opened and plenty of first row seats still available at the door; the first Friday show with front row seating for $20, though, so hopefully that’s the reason. Crowd seems very hushed entering the building as the Cup itself sits high upon a platform in center ring. Louden comes out to the ring with a puppet made in the likeness of himself – incredibly accurate, “very well done”. Attendance is low, typical for a Friday night show. Under 100, though people are still coming in. Also of note – a new ring! Blue mat and ropes, black posts, apron and turnbuckles. The competitors for night one are being introduced now. Stinky the Homeless Guy is incredibly over with the crowd, getting a pretty big pop. The typical picture of that night’s competitors is taken, minus Create-a-Wrestler and his new gimmick.

1. Young Lions Cup ~ Opening Round: Brendan Michael Thomas vs. Frightmare: The first upset of the weekend comes in the very first match, as Frightmare is defeated by BMT in about eight minutes! Frightmare missed his patented double knee moonsault from the top rope, then BMT took advantage and hit a cross body from the same corner to make his name in CHIKARA with a huge win over one of the top names in the tournament.

2. Young Lions Cup ~ Opening Round: Hydra vs. Tim Donst: In about nine minutes, the Sea Monster Hydra fools Tim Donst into a loss. Lots of comedy all around, including Bryce being thrown into a headlock. Finish saw Donst apply the Hydralock on Donst, but Hydra backed him into the corner and dazed Donst long enough to roll him up for the win.

3. Young Lions Cup ~ Opening Round: Dasher Hatfield vs. Jason Hades: Dasher Hatfield is this year’s Create-a-Wrestler winning gimmick. Hatfield comes out on top after kicking out of Jason Hades’ Killswitch maneuver, then hitting the reversal that he hit back at Aniversario weekend on Mantis to get the win!

4. Young Lions Cup ~ Opening Round: K.C. “Cloudy” Day vs. Chimaera: Cloudy comes down to the ring with the theme from the television show “Baywatch” playing over the PA, performing a quite fitting slo-mo run. Cloudy beats Chimaera in what was arguably the best match of the night so far, clocking in at about 11 minutes. Cloudy went for a headscissor, Chimaera reverse into a tombstone, but Cloudy reversed said reversal into a spike ‘rana for the win.

5. Young Lions Cup ~ Opening Round: Stinky the Homeless Guy vs. Colin Delaney: An awesome match that showcased Stinky’s skills as a big man against Colin’s wacky bumping. Stinky goes for a top rope shoulderblock, but Colin grabs him in mid-air with an RKO for the win in under eight minutes.

6. Young Lions Cup ~ Opening Round: Lince Dorado vs. Prince Mustafa Ali: These two went all out, including a spot where Lince headscissored Ali off the apron and to the floor. Lince having more issues jumping outwards, but at least he has the height on his jump to avoid being the next Marek Brave. Lince over Ali in what is EASILY the best match of the night so far, Ali is so awesome. Lince missed the SSP, Ali missed his WMD…Ali goes to the top again, Lince leaped up to the top and hit him with a Spanish Fly for the pin.

7. Brodie Lee vs. Cheech: A close match with Cheech nearly getting the win with an armbar, only for Brodie to counter that to a Michinoku Driver II. Brodie continued with his winning ways from the last Reading show here, coming out on top with a deadlift powerbomb in around 10 minutes.

8. Fire Ant & Soldier Ant vs. 2.0: With points in play, Fire and Soldier emerged as the winners after using the Ants Go Marching neckbreaker/powerbomb combo on Jagged in around 13 minutes. That’s their third point if you consider the Japanese shows!

9. Young Lions Cup ~ Semi-Final ~ 6-Way Elimination Match: Brendan Michael Thomas vs. Hydra vs. Dasher Hatfield vs. K.C. “Cloudy” Day vs. Colin Delaney vs. Lince Dorado: Lince stuck to the sidelines in the early going, playing it safe and spending limited time in the ring. That worked for a while, as Lince eliminated Hydra with the Lynxsault, only for Colin to sneak up behind him and immediately force him to tape out to the STF. Dasher then upped his chances considerably, wiping out Cloudy and eliminating him from the match with a top rope powerslam. Not only that, but he reduced the field to him and Colin, using the CHIKARA Special and forcing BMT to give up! Colin countered the sheer-drop Beach Break and used numerous finishers on Dasher – the temple punt, the Twist of Fate and the Swanton Bomb – but Dasher kicked out of the lot. He also countered a tornado DDT, an FU and a Dreamer DDT, but Colin reversed the top rope powerslam into an avalanche-style Canadian Destroyer for the win. Colin Delaney will be going to the finals of the Young Lions Cup but Dasher Hatfield, the rebranded Create-A-Wrestler, arguably put in the best performance of his career.

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Young Lions Cup VII: Night Two

August 15th, 2009

Preshow Notes: Show’s starting a bit late than usual. Lince Dorado is out for his match with Arik Cannon after last night’s knee injury suffered in his match with Prince Mustafa Ali. Also, Turbo is out after some issues traveling into the country. Replacements will be made for both matches. All 12 of tonight’s competitors are brought out; Bret Race mysteriously didn’t come out when his name was announced.

1. Young Lions Cup ~ Opening Round: Bret Race vs. Yellow Dog: Bret Race is, in fact, Lester Crabtree trying to sneak his way into the YLC. He came out to “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” and proclaimed himself to be young and cool. He was disqualified, and his replacement was pulled out of a hat – Vökoder, the secret agent detective that’s been at recent CHIKARA shows, working a very heelish manner. Vökoder gets the win over Yellow Dog in quick fashion, around three and a half minutes with a move that was “set up like a DDT, but he fell forward”.

2. Young Lions Cup ~ Opening Round: Soldier Ant vs. Carpenter Ant: A very competitive match between the two members of the Colony. Soldier Ant hit a top rope belly to belly suplex, while Carpenter Ant matched him with a ton of neat and wacky submissions. However, it was Soldier Ant that came out on top, tapping out Carpenter with the CHIKARA Special. Fun match!

3. Young Lions Cup ~ Opening Round: Darin Corbin vs. Ryan Cruz: Match kicks into gear with a tribute to Young Lions Cup as Corbin and Cruz hit slo-mo against one another, complete with slo-mo “this is awesome” chant. Surely done just to get under the skin of Les Thatcher yet again. In a bit of an upset, Ryan Cruz puts down Corbin in 12 minutes. The less successful member of NSE in singles action reigns supreme tonight!

4. Young Lions Cup ~ Opening Round: Shane Hollister vs. Trik Davis: Fun match with both guys busting out their usual stuff. Exactly what you’d expect, except for a finish that is guaranteeing that Trik never works in this town again. Trik Davis gets the win over Shane Hollister with a QD3.

5. Young Lions Cup ~ Opening Round: Grizzly Redwood vs. El Leonino: Very much your standard fare match, nothing spectacular. The Grizz advances to the six-way semis with a Fisherman’s DDT.

6. Young Lions Cup ~ Opening Round: Player Uno vs. Player Dos: Uno looking great, quite clearly training for this Super Smash square-off as he’s lost quite a bit of weight heading into this. Looks like a new man! The two of them packed a whole lot into their eight minute match that “felt like it went twenty”, when Dos put down Uno with a frog splash.

7. Arik Cannon vs. Jigsaw: Tag World ‘06 collision between two former Young Lions Cup holders here in this surprise singles matchup! Jigsaw gets the victory in ~10 minutes via superkick, very good match that may be the best of the night so far!

8. Mascarita Dorada vs. Pierrothito: Due to the unfortunate circumstances around Skayde and Turbo, Easton gets the benefit in the end and gets Philly’s big mini singles showdown that was set for tomorrow. An awesome match, Pierrothito wins in 11 minutes, tapping out Dorada with a cobra stretch. After the match, Pierrothito used some very foul language that would be a cardinal sin to repeat here. That may be your third Mexican down for the weekend after that.

9. Young Lions Cup ~ Semi-Final ~ 6-Way Elimination Match: Vökoder vs. Soldier Ant vs. Ryan Cruz vs. Trik Davis vs. Grizzly Redwood vs. Player Dos: The winner of this match goes on to face Colin Delaney tomorrow in the finals of the tournament. Vocatur wastes no time, eliminating Ryan Cruz with the move he beat Yellow Dog within four minutes. Soon after, Grizzly Redwood goes for a suplex on Soldier Ant, but Soldier rolls through to get the pin to eliminate the Grizz. Vocatur is “gaining robotic powers” as the match goes on. Vocatur pins Trik with the DDT-ish move, but then Player Dos takes him out with the Final Smash. Soldier Ant and Player Dos are the final two left…and Dos pins Soldier Ant with the Frog Splash to advance to the finals! Player Dos vs. Colin Delaney is your big main event for tomorrow’s third night of Young Lions Cup!

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Young Lions Cup VII: Night Three

August 16th, 2009

Preshow Notes: Really strong attendance today, the line outside longer than for your average Philly show on a Sunday. Might possibly be related to the rave reviews of the CHIKARA product at the Dragon Gate USA show last month. Estimated number is 350-375, not bad at all.

1. Dasher Hatfield, Player Uno & Yellow Dog vs. The Sea Donsters & Cloudy: How far Create-a-Wrestler has come in one weekend; the guy’s leading off his own trio now as the unofficial captain as his squad enters to the ring to the sounds of “Tessie”. The old timey king of swing backs up that nickname with pure strength, lifting the man-monster Hydra up and swinging him like a Louisville Slugger at Donst and Cloudy! Dasher maintains dominance by pinning Hydra following his patented Grand Slam. However all doesn’t stay happy for long as after the match, Tim Donst takes out his mounting frustrations by throwing Hydra with a German suplex, then hitting Cloudy with a belly-to-belly and heelin’ it up all over the place.

2. The Roughnecks vs. North Star Express: Another really fun match, though nothing too outstanding. However, the Roughnecks gain their third point and their own title shot as Grizzly comes off the top with the Axehandle Doomsday Device on Cruz to get them the win.

3. Four-Corners Elimination Tag Team Match: UltraMantis Black & Delirious vs. Gran Akuma & Icarus vs. Soldier Ant & Green Ant vs Halcon Guerrero & Chiva VI: Before we even had time to figure out if this was actually the sixth Chiva, Mantis put the goat away with a Cosmic Disaster to eliminate the random Mexican team. Not too long after, Delirious puts down Green Ant with the Praying Mantis Bomb. This now moves Mantis and Delirious up to two points, meaning that the winner of the fall between the Neo-Solar Temple and Team F.I.S.T. will also gain their third point. Icarus rolled up Ultramantis Black to get the win and F.I.S.T.’s third point as Mantis was distracted by a man in all white. This man delivered a mysterious white box with a note in it; Mantis threw the box into the crowd after the match.

4. Mascarita Dorada vs. Pierrothito: In a very similar match to the one in Easton the night before, Mascarita Dorada regained the honor of his mother by putting away Pierrothito with a wacky lucha pin.

5. Mike Quackenbush & Jorge “Skayde” Rivera vs. Frightmare & Turbo: Turbo fought down the dastardly border guards with the help of his friend in small stature Frightmare, and now they take on the biggest challenge yet – two thirds of the Masters of 1000 Holds! In a complete lucha clinic that saw all four guys push themselves to their limits, Quackenbush pinned Turbo with the Quackendriver. Best match so far tonight!

6. Grudge Match: Eddie Kingston vs. Claudio Castagnoli: One heck of a match here, tons of drama like you’d only expect these two to bring in the CHIKARA rings. Kingston hits a Backfist to the Future and a Saito Suplex, Claudio rolls out of the ring to recover. In a move of desperation, Kingston attempts a tope but misses. Claudio rolls back into the ring at the count of nineteen to win via countout.

7. Golden Dream Triple Threat Trios Match: Vin Gerard, STIGMA & Chuck Taylor vs. Jimmy “Equinox” Olsen, Helios & Jigsaw vs. Fire Ant, Hallowicked & Arik Cannon: Remember that hair tonic that Chuck Taylor got from the Big Japan young boy in exchange for the Green Ant costume? Well, it has turned his entire head green, much to the comedic delight of the tecnicos. Reportedly one of the best CHIKARA matches of the year! Fire Ant was launched to the outside by his teammates Wicked and Cannon, shooting him into the barricades so hard that they were bent to a ridiculous degree. Wicked pinned STIGMA with a top rope fisherman’s buster for the win. “This was awesome!”

- The Curse of the Golden Dream continues, as the ring was broken for the second time in a row in Golden Dream matches, the last one being when Max Boyer’s face broke the ring back in 2005. To make time for the ring crew, Bryce and Louden did a quick song and dance number.

8. Young Lions Cup ~ Final: Colin Delaney vs. Player Dos: Player Dos is your new Young Lions Cup champion, defeating Colin Delaney with a very bizarre move off the top rope. “Strangely anticlimactic” finish, though it seems that the Cup didn’t come without a price as Dos may have hurt his left shoulder in the process.

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Added to Man Makes Plans, and God Laughs:

If you plan on being anywhere in the Massachusetts area on September 19^th, around seven o’clock or so, be sure to stop by the Elk Lodge on Morgan Lake to witness, in this scribes not-so-humble estimation, a tag team contest of epic proportions that will smack you in the face with the right uppercut of high-speed lucha-libre and the left palm strike of high-flying excitement. OK, so maybe I’m hyping this a bit too much, but I’m a HUGE mark for all four of these guys, so my expectations could not be higher. Quackenbush is, well…he’s Quack. Jigsaw has been on a tear ever since getting his face back. Frightmare may be the best young wrestler on this blue marble we call…uh…I wanna say Jhazzala or Jhazzalan. But it’s Hallowicked that has me really psyched for this match. It is my opinion, and by extension YOUR new opinion, that Hallowicked is the most underrated wrestler on the independent scene. Countless times he’s seemed poised to leap towards stardom, and countless times they vanish without so much as a buh-bye. FIP, ROH, and PWG have all used ‘Wicked at various times, and he’s made a lasting impression in each company, but his services are usually rescinded after a match or two. He’s talented, over with fans, and now he may have the right partner to assist in his journey towards greatness. I just wish I knew why Hallowicked and Delirious weren’t used more often in other big indys. I’m going to blame rampant cucurbitophobia because I doubt anyone will know what that is.

Added to Hiding in Plain Sight:

These two ladies have a history with one another and they’ll take their rivalry to Chikara as “The Portuguese Princess” Ariel will take on “I Eat Monikers for Breakfast” Sara Del Rey. OK, so they don’t have some long drawn-out history, but they have faced each other a few times, and in sports-entertainment, that’s grounds for a blood-feud. Back in 2007, Del Rey faced Ariel in a match for WrestleJam in Connecticut. The end result was less than kind for Ariel. They faced off at least twice in 2008, once at Ring of Honor’s show Return of the 187 show and again at SHIMMER’s Vol. 19. Ariel lost both encounters. So as far as I can tell, Ariel has come up with short against Sara three times…and since I can’t find any more contests between them, I can safely declare that Ariel has never beaten Sara Del Ray! Can Ariel finally get over her haunting losses to the “Death Rey”? Or will Sara Del Ray’s dominance once again shine, forcing Ariel to rethink her career, quit wrestling, get helpful advice from a wise, older wrestler, unretired, train really hard montage style, and summon the courage to face Del Rey again?!?! This hype train IS OUT OF CONTROL!!!

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Never Kneel At The Altar Of Conformity, Chikara’s July 31^st show, is out now on DVD. It features 8 exciting match-ups, including Amasis facing Lince Dorado, F.I.S.T. taking on Mike Quackenbush and Jigsaw, and two dynamic trios bouts: The Unstable vs. Incoherence & Hydra and in the main event, The Colony vs. The Order of the Neo Solar Temple. Also on the DVD: A video recapping the recent happenings in Chikara, a song by Louden Noxious, and Chikara Podcast Episodes 161-163. Buy it, or you’ll be really uncool. Or, if you’re already uncool, then you’ll, uh…something else will happen. Just buy it to be on the safe side.

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This week’s Classic Chikara features two videos. That’s right…two videos! You’re so happy you don’t even know what to do with yourself. The first video is the best montage I could find of the self-proclaimed “Patriarch of Chikara” and all-around awesome grappler, “Lightning” Mike Quackenbush. Without Quack, there’d be no Chikara Pro. Even sadder, there would be now CHIKARMY Insider. Yeah, you’re just a roller-coaster of emotions right now, aren’t you? TRIBUTE.

The second video is of the brand-spanking new Young Lion’s Cup holder, Player Dos. This was his debut in the Player Dos persona. Wrestling as Stupified, he and Player Uno tagged as the Super Smash Bros., experiencing moderate success and facing some inner turmoil. Just when it looked like both men might go their separate ways, Stupified decided to don a mask and the Player Dos character was born. Here’s a clip of his first encounter as Dos, facing Icarus and Gran Akuma. See you next week! WAX ON.

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This week’s CHIKARticle starts off with a DVD Review of King of Trios: Night 1, follows it up with some Young Lions Cup VII updates, and finishes with a great written piece by Mike Quackenbush in response to a crazy person’s wild, uninformed assertions about Chikara. Make sure you’re sitting down for this one folks. It’s just more comfortable to read that way.

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Chikara DVD Review:

King of Trios: Night 1

Chikara’s annual one-fall, three-man tag team tournament, a three day wrestling summit called the King of Trios, is arguably the company’s biggest event of the year. The 2009 King of Trios featured the Chikara debuts of several top independent wrestlers such as “American Dragon” Bryan Danielson, Austin Aries, and “The Golden Star” Kota Ibushi as well as one the strongest and most competitive fields in the tournament’s history. Here were the teams:

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PROMO - Team Epic War

This was pretty good, especially the Austin Aries stuff, who seemed to be playing the opposite of his ROH character. He was smiling and giving thumbs up, saying he was here for the fans. I think he’s lost his mind.

1. Team EPIC WAR vs The F1RST Family - ***

This was a solid opener with nice action throughout. Playing up Aries’ “Indian Heritage” was pretty damn funny. Good stuff, but predictable. I love the Cruz and Corbin’s finisher, I really do.

2. The Osirian Portal vs Team PWG - ***1/2

A bit disappointing, but I had very high expectations. I’m sure down the line that at least five of these guys will be major players on the indy scene or beyond, so it’s kind of special to see the young guys before they get big. Generico and the Young Bucks were great and Amasis and Ophidian were good. I was not impressed with Egipcio at all, and his botches and general stumbling really brought the match down.

PROMO - The Roughnecks

This was very good, with Eddie Kingston running down his less than orthodox trio. Brodie Lee still scares the crap out of me.

3. The Roughnecks vs Team Uppercut - ***1/4

This was too long with WAY too much stalling. No one really seemed to be interested in actually wrestling. A really fantastic finish saved this from becoming a disaster. This will not be the last time I type this: Dave Taylor should be a regular. He was having the time of his life and should be at every show. I’m sure he has a home promotion in England, but LFC needs to find a way to get this guy on more shows. For the children.

PROMO - Da Soul Touchaz

It’s always a good time when the Touchaz are on a Chikara show. Their energy is palpable and you can’t help but smile at the antics of C.Red and company.

4. Da Soul Touchaz vs Team CZW - ***3/4

Very good match with a ton of hilarious stuff, including Beef Wellington rapping, Pinkie and his ass, and an epic dance-off to Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Jump On It!” I had low expectations for this, so to say I was very surprised by how great it was would be an understatement.

5. F.I.S.T. vs The Death Match Kings - ***3/4

Shockingly, this was my favorite match of Night 1. Necro straight-up murdered every member of F.I.S.T. and had the most memorable moment of night one: a seated punch for kick brawl with Gran Akuma. Guess who won. Seriously, Akuma has got to be insane for trying to go face-to-face against the Butcher. Everyone played their roles well and if it was up Brain Damage, there’d be a rematch under Death Match rules. Here’s hoping.

6. Team DDT vs The Future is Now - **3/4

Bleh. This was very disjointed and sloppy. Nakazawa’s slip n’ slide double stomp senton was awesome, but nothing else really stood out for me. The finish could have been a sight to behold, but the guy with the ring bell screwed it up, so it failed, as did everything else in this match. Crowd hated it, too.

7. Incoherence vs The Masters of a Thousand Holds - ***3/4

Good stuff from both sides. I was as impressed with Frightmare as I was unimpressed with Escorpion. He looked so natural in there with Quack and Skayde. Some sloppiness brings it down, and the finish was out of nowhere. Delirious had some great lines when getting tied up by Saint, including “My nerves!” and “I hate this!” He tagged out, telling Hallowicked, “Watch him! He’s got tricks!” Hilarious. This should have been the Main.

PROMO - The Cold Front

Al Snow did a great job explaining why Iceberg was a no show: “He’s a slow moving block of ice.” Simple enough I guess, and it explained why this match was on last; they were waiting on his replacement…

8. The UnStable vs The Cold Front - **1/4

The segment to find a new partner was classic Chikara: a random hat drawing. Avatar? Al says no. Leif Cassidy? Al will kill Leonard. AMAZING RED? Not here. D’LO BROWN!?!? Not here…or is he!? YES! D’lo is in the house! Great segment…brutally awful match. No flow, reason, or purpose. This was the worst match of the show, and is only memorable for Snow telling Delaney, “Don’t worry, we all got fired, too.” and D’lo getting pinned. Ugh.

OVERALL - 7 / 10

This was a bit of a letdown, but a very fun show despite my high expectations. For some reason, the bad really ate away at the good. Moments like seeing Johnny Saint wiggle and Dave Taylor giggle were trumped by some epic crap from Lince Dorado and D’lo Brown. It’s a good show, no doubt, but only as a set-up for the rest of the tournament, which does improve on this for sure. Kudos to Gran Akuma for taking one of the nastiest pure beatings I’ve seen in a wrestling ring and Claudio Castagnoli for pulling off a great feat of stamina and strength to save an otherwise boring match. You can get this DVD at Smart Mark Video along with Nights 2 and 3, as well as past King of Trios DVDs.

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There have been several updates in the Young Lions Cup VII line-up in recent days, and I will go over them now. There will be a test afterward, with the winner receiving the gift of a go-get’em attitude. I’m not really using mine.

Added to Young Lions Cup VII – Night 1:

Well thanks a lot Chikarason. I had both Frightmare and Brendan Michael Thomas (wasn’t he on Home Improvement?) going to the Elimination match, and unless I find a loophole in the rules within the next week, I’ll look like a fool in my first column. A fool! Well, I’ll cut my losses and say that I think BMT’s advancing. I’m a really big fan of Frightmare and I think he has a helluva future on the indy circuit. He looked like a natural in his lucha exchanges with “The Masters of 1001 Holds” on Night 1 of King of Trios 2009. But he’s got a while before he’ll be advancing in anything, anywhere. I hear some good things about Thomas and I enjoy The Lion King so a winner is he.

Now here’s a lion that I won’t be rooting for. I’m a Grizzly Redwood mark anyway, and it doesn’t help Leonino’s case that he has a rep for being his own biggest fan. Not to say the guy doesn’t have talent…but I’ve never seen him wrestle, so he may be talentless. Whichever way you spin it—disliking ‘Nino or envying Redwood’s ferocious man-beard— I see GR chopping this cocky California cat down to a neat pile of whiskers and broken dreams. OK, seriously though, I don’t know Leo personally, so I’m talking out of my ass here. This is just an angle I’m setting up for a future massive feud. Gotta plant the seeds now.

Anyone holding out hope of a Miracle Ultraviolence Connection reunion may want to avert their eyes. Well, if you’re reading this, I guess it’s too late. That’s my bad. It all explodes on Night 1 as “The New Wave” Cheech Hernandez takes on “The Plow King” Brodie Lee, in a battle for honor, justice, and perhaps the last Corona. These guys used to be as tight as can be, but with Brodie and his partner Grizzly Redwood costing Cheech and his partner Cloudy a shot at the Campeonatos de Parejas, the battle, at least for Cheech, will be about revenge. For the 6’5” Brodie…it’s just another face to erase.

Added to Young Lions Cup VII – Night 2:

Things I’ve learned about Trik Davis upon googling his name: he’s a frequent travel buddy of Tyler Black and Danny Daniels, a former IWA Mid-South World Heavyweight champion, he’s been Arik Cannon’s roommate, and he sells awesome “Trickelodeon” gear using the old Nickelodeon logo. He also had this to say in a 2008 interview about his opponent and long-time friend, Shane Hollister: [He] is easily one of the top up and comers in all of the Midwest. With his quick feet and lightning-fast right hands, he can go strike for strike with pretty much anyone.” OK, so they seem to know each other pretty well, as evidenced by this picture as well. If I could change my pick, I would probably do so and choose Davis to advance. But I only backtrack when forced, and since I chose Hollister initially, I will maintain my choice and simply find a way to sabotage Trik somehow.

Yellow Dog is a gimmick that may or may not be lifted from the late, great frenzied high flyer, Brian Pillman. I expect a good showing from him against either Bret “Restle” Race, or if turns out to be a ruse and Crabtree gets replaced, against Amasis, Buck Hawke, or Ophidian returning from injury. I do not expect to see Dog’s valet appear at this event. Her name is Classie Lassie and she is quite the hot little number, but unfortunately about as family friendly as a crocodile. You know, a crocodile that you fantasize about while you’re bored at work. So unless they find a tasteful Muumuu in time for the event, this will be a solo affair for the Yellow One, and most probably a loss.

Added to Young Lions Cup VII – Night 3:

So obviously Mike Quackenbush and Jorge “Skayde” Rivera know each other pretty damn well. They have that whole Rivera taught Quack, teacher-student thing going on. Such a cliché. While their opponents remain a mystery, there’s no question that, barring a major surprise, these two will be the favorite going in due to their experience not only in the ring, but with each other as well. I’ll take a swing and say that either the Fabulous Two will be here in some from or The Osirian Portal will return in non-title action. Still, I can’t see either team besting “Lightning Skayde”. They don’t call themselves that, but I think it sounds awesome, so if I ever meet the two, I’ll just keep shouting it until it sticks.

Added to the previously announced team of Ultramantis Black and Delirious is two thirds of F.I.S.T., Gran Akuma and Icarus. This is a dangerous game F.I.S.T. is playing, as they already have two points and run the risk of losing them all in this match, which is much more unpredictable than your standard tag match. Still, Akuma and Icarus are one of the longest tagging teams in Chikara, so if anyone can weasel out a win here, it’s these two.

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Random News. Random News! EXCITED UTTERANCE!

- There’s something fishy going on within The Colony. Green Ant recently called out fellow anthill rookie and insect guy, Carpenter Ant. This is the second time someone has called out Carpenter Ant with Icarus making a few accusations of his own. While Chikarason shot down the claims of Icarus, it still seems like more is brewing with The Colony than just two rookies in-fighting.

- New merchandise is in and out now at the Chikara Store. Well, some stuff is going to come out soon, but there still sitting there, tantalizing us with their awesomeness. It’s kind of cruel. They’ve got the 2009 Chikara Yearbook available as well as new shirts for Cheech and Cloudy, the Super Smash Brothers and the entire 2009 roster. They’ve also got new replica masks in of Hydra’s smiling green facegear and Hallowicked’s new orange mask. They are both incredibly awesome and graciously request your money.

- Chikara recently announced their upcoming schedule. They will return to Massachusetts on September 12^th with Man Makes Plans, God Laughs. The following night will see Chikara’s debut in New Hampshire for some reason, with Hiding in Plain Sight. Their next double shot in October will be held in Pennsylvaina, as An Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World will take place on the 17^th in Easton and Three-Fisted Tales will be the next day in Philadelphia.

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I’ll end this week’s article with a response Mike Quackenbush posted after seeing comments made from a wrestling legend Les Thatcher. I mean “legend” in the WWE sense. He’s just old. So Thatcher was asked about Chikara and responded with ignorance, malice, and the verbal equivalent of a snot rocket ringing a spittoon. Mike Quackenbush explains as only he can. Seriously, read the whole damn thing. It’s absolutely inspired.

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