Pro Wrestling Ponderings

Alright, here we go. Onto the wrasslin’…

Raw starts out with FREDDIE PRINZE JR.! OMG!!!~! Sorry. It’s the Sarah Michelle Gellar mark in me. Why can’t SHE host Raw? Freddie looks old. Which is weird. At least he’s stoked to be there. Seriously, that’s the difference between a celebrity who comes and gets paid, and a celebrity who is happy and PROUD to be there. Prinze wants to start Summerslam TONIGHT! Longest. Pay Per View. Ever. HA! Some ominous music hits, and they have someone who looks like the villain from I Know hat You Did Last Summer. It’s a hoax, as it’s just Santino. “FREDDIE THE PRINZE GERR! Mother of God, this is amazing. I just missed recapping ALL of that. He tried to audition for… well… every type of movie Prinze has been in “Look… I have glasses and a-baggy clothes… I must be a nerd… and you’re going to make a bet with The Fast And The Furious man…” “Or I could be in 24… WHERE IS THE BOMB LILLIANS!? YOU’RE GOING TO TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO KNOW!” Prinze is stoked “At least there wasn’t a Scooby Doo joke in there.” Prinze Jr. says he has a sick Main Event set up and isn’t going to wai-

Orton’s music hits, and he WILL make us wait. Orton doesn’t want to fight tonight, doesn’t HAVE to fight tonight, and WON’T fight tonight. “This is your HOMETOWN, Randy. And you don’t want to work?” He’s good, folks, and makes me wish he’d kept his spot on the booking team. Orton says he has nothing in common with these people, he doesn’t need them, it’s all about him. Yadda yadda yadda. “Randy… you know I respect you, but do I look like Seth Green? Jeremy Piven?” Amazing. Prinze goes to walk away, but Orton grabs him by the neck and gives him his awkward Back Breaker. Prinze probably BEGGED to take a bump, and I can’t blame him. He got to sell and do what he’s been wanting to do since he was a kid. GREAT opening to the show tonight. It was funny, productive, and started the show off perfectly. Hopefully this isn’t Prinze’s only segment of the match. That would make me a sad panda bear.

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Damnit. Prinze got taken to a medical facility. That means no more Freddie as guest host. Balls.

Also, I didn’t watch Superstars, but that dodge of Kofi’s mounting Ten Punch in the corner, and then bringing him down with the Back Stabber… that’s a PPV level finish. Really sad they wasted it on Superstars. Then again, that probably just means Carlito won’t be winning the belt.

Back and forth action until Carlito knocks Kingston out of the ring. Anyone remember reading The Rock’s book and how he did the Leapfrog/No look Leapfrog and Patterson immediately saw “STAR” in him? Yeah. Now Kofi is busting it out and it gets 0 reaction. Sad.

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We’re back and Carlito has on a wear down hold. During the break. Kofi went for a Springboard, but got caught in mid air with a dropkick. Me likee. Kofi starts making his comeback but that gets cut off with a Big Boot. Cover for a 2 count. Another comeback and this time Kofi makes it, hitting the Russian Leg Sweep. Really liking that Impact cover he has. Wish I could explain it. Leaping Clothesline gets followed up by the BOOM BOOM Leg Drop! Kofi hit’s the corner… and Springboards back for a Crossbody! Awkward spot that looked like Kofi was going to do a Push-Up European Uppercut! They bring it in big time with the false finishes, and I’m surprised. This reminded me of the match Miz had with Kofi earlier this year, when it got way more time than anyone expected, and really shined because of it. Kingston pulls the victory out, though, hitting the Trouble In Paradise for the 1-2-3!

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back and go over the history of DX. I’m surprised they showed the more crude ones of HBK. They’d been pretty good about giving him the “tamer” old footage.

Miz is out, now, and he’s got a new look. Downgraded to a Speedo. He reminds me of Punk, with the Speedo and kick pads for some reason. I thought he just got all dressed and oiled up to do a promo, but before we go to commercial, I’m told he’s fighting Evan Bourne. Sounds good to me, yo.

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Very sizeable pop for Bourne, which makes me happy. Miz starts out strong, stomping on Bourne in the corner. Body Slam attempt sees Bourne slide out, hit the ropes and nails an elbow. In the corner, he hit’s a leaping Dropkick. A lariat slows Bourne done a lot and Miz just works away at him. Slick submission, getting Bourne in a Double Underhook and just sitting down on his legs, pulling him up. He stays working on the back, and Bourne tries to mount some offense to no avail, however. Miz has Bourne in the corner and rushes in for the clothesline with his feet through the ropes. Which I find hilarious, since Sydal was the first person I ever saw do that. Spinning Heel Kick catches Miz in mid air, and Bourne follows Miz to the outside with double knees. A kick to the head and a rana get a close 2 count for Bourne. Standing Moonsault gets 2. Crowd is popping for Bourne to hit the Shooting Star Press, but Miz sweeps the legs. Bourne goes for a Victory Roll, but Miz pushes him forward and hit’s the Reality Check for the 1-2-3!

COMMERCIAL!

A Recap of last week’s search for HBK.

HHH and HBK arrive to Raw, and have a pretty damn entertaining walk. Yeah, seriously. HBK Superkicks Jillian Hall, and Santino sneaks up from behind “FREEZE! CTU!” Superkick. “You know he wasn’t trying to hurt you, right?” “Oh, yeah, I know.” “Oh, ok. That was pretty cool, right? Didn’t even lose your hat” “Yup.” “It’s like your hair is attached to the hat” “Yup, that’s it.”

DX make their way to the ring and get a slow-starting “DX” chant. The crowd is mildly ready. And by mildly, I mean 100%. The crowd pandering is a distraction, though, and Legacy attack HHH and HBK from behind! Sure it telegraphs HHH and HBK winning (Which should be obvious to everyone anyways) but heat is heat, and Legacy got some solid heat for this.

Oh, great. I go to take an ill-timed bowl movement, not sure what I missed, and come back to… a Women’s Title Match. Granted, Kim and Mickie could have a great match, but with all my woman-hating, I can’t help but think karma.

Just so I don’t become a hypocrite or a liar, I cannot in good conscience give this match PBP or star ratings. I said only when they do Phoenix vs. Kim. I will say, though, that Mickie’s counter from the Falling Boot to the face into the Single Leg Crab was really slick. Sadly, they botch not one, but TWO finishing spots, and even I have to feel sorry for them. Mickie went for the Leaping DDT, and Kim just kind of crumbled and it looked like a shitty DDT… but Kim didn’t even bother selling it. Then Mickie went to hit her spin kick, but whiffed horribly and followed up with a forearm. Crowd popped, but it was very anti-climactic. Both women looked really upset, and rightfully so.

Recap of earlier with Orton taking out Freddie Prinze Jr.

Backstage, Matthews interviews John Cena. HA! “Orton, we’ve all got problems! I’ve got a huge zit on my face!” “There’s no way I can tag with Orton, he’s too oiled up! There’s no way I can fight The Big Show! I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO READ!” Crowd was actually mostly for Cena. Nice change of pace. Jericho interrupts, as does Big Show. Good promo from Cena, but the crowd was absolutely silent at Show and Jericho trying to intimidate Cena. That was sad.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back from the commercial, JIP. MVP is fired up and really bringing the intensity to Swagger, never giving him a chance to catch his breath. And right as I say that, Swagger starts to take control of the match. Thanks jackass. Swagger just PUNISHES MVP in the corner but doesn’t break at 5, so the ref DQ’s him. Damnit, lame. I thought it would’ve been a better idea for MVP to get DQed due to all the frustration he’s had bent up, but him immediately attacking after Swagger lets up was a good touch, and made it work. They really need to put this match on the Summerslam card, though. It’d e criminal if they didn’t.

Backstage, IT’S YOUR HERO AND MINE! FREDDIE PRINZE JR! WHOO! That’s a MAN, baby!

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On the flip-side, how god damn long are these two going to keep fighting each other? It’s still mildly entertaining, but good lord this has been going on way too long. Horny scrambles to beneath the ring, and Chavo oddly follows. What’s he thinking? Chavo chases Horny up the ramp, and we cut to the backstage cameras. I was about to say this is the most unfunny match yet, but Chavo gets HOME THE FUCK ALONED! Horny set up a bucket on the other side of a door and got hit in the head! HAHAHAHA! Holy shit! McCauley Culkin! “That’s hot funny.”

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back and the guest host of Raw will be… FLOYD MONEY MAYWEATHER! That should be interesting, if nothing else.

Before the match begins, Freddie Prinze Jr. announces that he’s going to take a page out of Orton’s book! This just got changed to a Lumberjack match! Hand picked by Prinze! Whoo!

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We’re JIP with Cena in a bear hug from Big Show. He tries his Superman comeback, but a Flying Shoulder Tackle gets him nowhere, and Show drops him with one of his own. Cena goes for a tag but Orton is having none of it, so Big Show gets to go back to work on Cena. Show charges in the corner, but Cena dropkicks his knee out and Show hit’s the second turnbuckle! Cena slaps Orton in the back pretty damn hard, and Orton immediately gets DRILLED with a spear from Show! Orton rolls to the outside, which is a TERRIBLE idea. I guess he has a shitty short term memory. Orton takes a beat down, now, which is just weird to see as it’s a heel taking a heat segment from… another heel. So the crowd decides to be quiet instead of getting behind any of the heel vs. heel stuff. Again I’m made to look a fool, as the crowd pops for Orton’s desperate Power Slam. This match has had a bunch of false hot tags, and I love it. Cena is REALLY amped for the hot tag, and the crowd pops appropriately loud as they teased it just enough to make the crowd really want Cena in the ring. Cena obviously comes in a house of fire, and promptly hit’s the Attitude Adjustment on Jericho for the 1-2-3!

Almost immediately after the bell, Orton comes in and hits an RKO on Cena! Jericho and Show start to pick off all the Lumberjacks at ringside, but Cena gets to his feet and runs them both off, closing the show.

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We start the show off with WWE Heavyweight Champion, Randy Orton. He says he’s been hearing rumors that he’s afraid of defending his title against John Cena. Not to mention that he bullied Jeremy Piven into taking care of his own dirty work. He’s passionate about his apathetic stance towards the fans.

John Cena breaks up the promo in short order, coming out completely focused on Randy Orton. That probably did more to put the belt over than anything they’ve done in months. He’s so dialed in on that Championship and Randy Orton, he doesn’t pander to the crowd, try to pose and get cheers. He beelines it for Orton. I love it. GREAT promo from Cena. After seeing the card so far, and how great this opening segment is, it’s really apparent that WWE is doing all they can to give Summerslam that Wrestlemania shine and aura. Good for them. Cena and Orton get in an intense stared own, but now THAT is interrupted by the Unified Tag Team Champions, Chris Jericho and The Big Show. Both are lookin’ slick in their suits.

Big Show says neither Cena, nor Orton, know the first thing about intimidation. Sizeable “Y2J” chant. Cena says it’s obvious why everyone’s intimidated by Big Show. It’s because his breath smells like Shaquille O’Neil’s jock strap. BURNED! Jericho actually acknowledges the fact that the fans love him. He says he went to Slaughter and proposed a match, and Slaughter agreed to it. Jericho vs. Cena tonight! And Big Show vs. Orton! Well, one of those should be good. I’ll leave it up to you to figure it out. One guess. No mulligan’s or do-overs.

ATTEEEENNNNTTIIIOIOOONNNNNN!

COMMERCIAL!

Here’s the thing. I don’t like doing commentary for women’s matches. I’m almost never into them (hiyyoooooooo) but this was a pretty solid match. It lasted more than 3 minutes, and they were doing some stuff that GUYS don’t even do in their matches. The two cross bodys by Kim and Kelly Kelly were greatness, Fox kicking Kelly Kelly in mid air was greatness, and this one just really surpassed my expectations. Gail Kim gets the win with her Falling Boot to the face.

Post match, Sgt. Slaughter is out to the entrance ramp. And getting booed up a shit creek. He definitely redeems himself via flattery and Canadian Patriotism with a salute to the Canadian fla- DAMN! We got set up with an anti-Canada sign. I was certainly hoping he’d play a heel, seeing as they’re in Canada and all, but didn’t think we’d actually get it. Excellent. He demands everyone stand and give respect to the US Flag! I approve. WITH the Pledge of Allegiance! That goes about as well as you’d expect. This should be a good guest host episode, with that kind of crowd heat and intensity.

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We’re back with a recap of last week with HHH/Legacy. Apparently HHH went to Texas earlier today to look for Shawn. Ya know, for being such close friends, you’d think he’d know where Shawn lived. I mean he CALLED him last week AT HOME.

Hopefully, like I wanted last week, this will get more time than the first two matches. It’s thankfully more lucky, seeing as they cared enough to put out a rubber match between the two. Swagger starts out quick, using his power to dominate. Bourne uses his speed and leverage to come back. WHOA! Bourne dives over the ropes, and lands with his knees on Swagger’s chest. Haven’t seen that variation of it, yet. Bourne goes for another move over the top rope, but he just flips onto Swagger’s knee! Also cool. Swagger works on the back, pulls Bourne’s shoulders back with a knee to the spine. Bourne attacks the knees and gets an elbow to the face, only gets 2 though. Rana by Bourne! NO! POWERBOMB! NO! SMALL PACKAGE! ONE! TWO! THRE- KICKOUT! Bourne knocks Swagger into the corner with a knee, but gets Hip Tossed into the corner! DR. BOMB! ONE! TWO! THREE!

Post-match, MVP gets some pretty good digs on Swagger. Namely the lithp. MVP challenges Swagger to a match tonight, and Swagger says MAYBE… next week. MVP has had enough of the douche-baggery, and pushes Swagger to the canvas.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back, and HHH just sounds like that nagging, annoying wife. He spots HBK, or so he thinks, as it’s just a homosexual man with similar hair. Honest mistake! Across the room, a little girl is ringing a bell, when she gets cut off by THE REAL SHAWN MICHAELS! He doesn’t seem too pleased at the noise. HHH is way more than perplexed at HBK being… a chef?

Back at the arena, Slaughter brings out Celine Dio-… Jillian Hall to sing the American National Anthem! That was beautiful, man!

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Well this is really random and odd. You’d think Eugene is the jobber in this match, since he didn’t even get an entrance, but Calgary Kid? ROCK BOTTOM! ROCK BOTTOM! PEOPLE’S ELBOOOOOOOOWWWWW! Somehow, this doesn’t kill Calgary Kid dead, as he stops Eugene from getting the contract. And gets it for himself.

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This is about as entertaining as we all thought it would be. That’s to say I’ve seen 4 year olds on Razor scooters that are quicker than Big Show is in this match. If Orton was a face, this would work a lot better, but it’s just a heel beating up another heel. Big Show does NOT get residual heat because he’s teamed with Jericho. Now if Jericho came out with Show as his “second”, this would probably work a lot better. As is, the crowd is cheering for Orton’s comeback because Show is just THAT slow and boring. Orton goes for the RKO, but Show tosses him and then hit’s the Chokeslam. He should’ve just hit the Chokeslam in the first place, while Orton was still in the air. Ah well. I really hope this finishes with Show going for another Chokeslam and Orton reversing it into an RKO, ala his match with Undertaker at Wrestlemania 21. It’s not to be, however, as Orton ducks the “Big fat bald” punch by Show, and slides to the outside and takes the Count Out loss.

We go back to HHH and HBK. He says HHH just wouldn’t understand why he left wrestling. He says he gets respect here, but… well… it IS “Bring Your Daughter to work” day, and he gets some tots to the face. He’s just good at what he does though! Well if that’s true, then why is his GRILL on fire? This sadly sounds like the crowd is heatless for all of this, which disappoints me. I think these are pretty funny. Not amazing or anything, but I’m entertained.

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Good. This is a rematch I wanted to see after their Beat The Clock match a few weeks ago. They slug it out to start, only for MVP to go to the second rope and get dragged off by the foot, crashing to the mat. Dropkick by Masters. Crowd gets behind MVP, leading to him tossing Masters with a Belly To Belly. Firmly in control of the match now, with the knee to the face and… and… and… BALLIN’! Playmaker! ONE! TWO! THREE!

After the match, Swagger… swaggers down the entrance ramp and diverts MVP’s attention long enough for Masters to slap on the MASTERLOCK! Swagger grabs the waist… DR. BOMB! This should be a good addition to Summerslam, if they do intend to carry this onto PPV. I certainly hope they do.

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We’re back for more HHH/HBK stuff. Hahaha “I thought it was SummerFEST?” Hickenbottom? IT’S A SHOOT! IT’S A SHOOT! SUPERKICK TO THE MANAGER! SUPER KICK TO THE LITTLE ANNOYING GIRL!!! WHOO! Now that was great stuff.

Slaughter is out, again, to bring out… BRET HART!? Or not. HHHOOOOOOO!!! It’s “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan! Well, if nothing else, that made ME happy.

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Fine by me. Henry begs Cody to hit him, so he does. The effect is less than desirable. Legacy ends up isolating Henry, which is probably the last thing I expected going into this one. Sure the heat segment lasted a minute TOPS, but Henry still played the face in peril while partnering with HORNSWAGGLE. Hell, Henry is even his own personal hot tag. WORLDS STRONGEST SLAM! TAD POLE SPLA- nope. DREAMSTREET TO HORNSWAGGLE! ONE! TWO! THREE!

Post match, Legacy says at Summerslam, we’ll witness the shortest lived comeback in history. If we’re not down with that, they’ve got two words for us… TOO BAD!

Backstage, Jericho cuts a promo about getting his first win over Cena in his hometown of Calgary. Show comes in and is butt hurt that Orton took the CO victory. Jericho says not to worry, because tonight, he gets to see the crowd boo Cena out of the building. Camera’s are still on, though, buddy. He runs down Canadians everywhere. He’s not even from Canada! He was born in America! HA! Josh Matthews comes back to let Jericho know the cameras were still running. This was a sad segment. I know Jericho is a heel, but it’s Canada. Let him be a face to his hometown/country for one night. It won’t hurt his heel-dom. And now, he’ll probably get booed every time in Canada, even if he turns face again. You’d think I’m overexhagerating, but Canadians are pretty bad at letting shit go. Ask Shawn Michaels and Earl Hebner.

COMMERCIAL!

Next week, we get Freddie Prinze Jr. as a special guest host. Well, anyone who didn’t see that coming eventually is just retarted. Plain and simple.

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We’re back right at the bell. Jericho knocks Cena down with a Shoulder Tackle, and they do some small spots, leading into an attempted Walls of Jericho. Cena bails, though, just to clear his head, and he’s back in the ring pretty quickly. Lock-up and Jericho backs Cena into the corner. Semi-clean break as he just sort of paint brushes him. Cena isn’t pleased by that, and slaps on a Headlock. Jericho backs him into the ropes, but he’s the one getting Shoulder Tackled this time. Cena slows it back down with another headlock. Jericho is out and they struggle for a Keylock. Jericho backs Cena into the ropes, and Cena goes for his flying Shoulder Tackle, but Jercho ducks and kicks Cena to the outside. Cena keeps in control of the match with a rest hold. Cena fights up to his feet and they get into a “YAY-BOO” slugfest. This time Cena hits his flying Shoulder Tackle, twice, and then the Blue Thunder Bomb… YOU CAN’T SEE ME! False. Jericho can. He gets a couple quick roll ups before nailing Cena with a Bulldog but doesn’t hit the Lionsault. Cross Body by Jericho! NO! Cena rolls through! ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT! NO! JERICHO GETS OUT! WALLS OF JERICHO! He’s in that for a while, until Cena slips out and gets the STF! Randy Orton is out and the ref calls for the bell. Why so quick? He didn’t even do anything. Orton makes a pretty stupid move, getting in the ring and tipping his hand before he can get the Head Punt on Cena. Jericho waits for Cena to turn around and hit’s the Code Breaker, and gets in Orton’s face for costing him his first win against Cena! Orton tosses him, though, when Big Show comes down! CHOKE SLAM TO ORTON! I actually really like that, since it plays off their match earlier where Show was pissed Orton ran away. Slaughter is out and makes Jericho and Big Show vs. Orton and Cena next week! Orton and Cena use the distraction to toss Show! ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT to Jericho! NO! Orton actually takes him down with an RKO off of Cena’s shoulders. That was pretty damn rad, actually. Inadvertent team work. Show ends with Cena and Orton in a stand off.

Overall… eh. The Slaughter stuff got a lot of heat, but he didn’t have to be the guest host to do that. The only worthwhile thing he did in a wrestling capacity was set up the tag match for next week. This was probably a money conserving decision, since the last two weeks they had big stars like Piven and Shaq. Prinze being next week’s host adds a little more credence to that. Either way, this was a middle of the road show. The only thing that blew me away was the opening segment with Orton/Cena/Big Show/Jericho. The HHH/HBK stuff was funny, and the short matches littered throughout the show just annoyed me, because they had a build up and back story, yet got even less time than a Divas match. Whatever. I’ll see everybody next week. Until then, take it easy folks.

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The Miz comes out to interrupt, and this should be good as well. Miz tries to pass himself off as an acclaimed TV star. Piven makes sure Miz knows he DOESN’T have the goods. Ken interrupting Miz gets huge pops. But Miz isn’t out here for Piven. He’s out for Cena. He wants a rematch, and is ordering Piven to get it happening. Dr. Ken’s pacifier is so pimp.

Now CENA comes out, and the crowd is (thankfully) pro-Cena instead of 50/50. Cena thanks Ken for the prescription, the rash cleared up nicely. Dr. Ken: MIZ BAD. He’s got a face for radio, says Cena. If anyone can make Cena vs. Miz interesting again, it’s Piven, and the crowd knows it! Lumberjack match! And if Miz loses, he’s banned from Summerslam! AND Summerfest! AND WWE Raw for all of eternity! Well that’s just extreme. I can see why this whole thing might turn people off, as it was a little long and random, but I loved it, it had me rolling. MORE!

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After that long opening of promo time, I hope we get a 10 minute match to clean the pallet and balance things out. My hopes are high, but then I’m an optimist so whatever. Bourne starts it fast, but Swagger goes to the ropes to get some distance, and executes a takedown to ground the high flier. Swagger just throws him around like nothing. Bourne sweeps the feet out and goes for his standing Moonsault, but Swagger gets the knees up. Dr. Bomb attempt is countered by Bourne into a CLOSE near fall for 2. Swagger quickly takes over again and hit’s the Dr. Bomb… for 3? What? After the match, Swagger hits two Vader Bombs, but MVP slides in to break all this up.

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We’re back, and Jeremy Piven certainly knows how to avoid bloodshed. Big Show comes in, to Dr. Ken’s shagrin, and he deflects a Big Show vs. Jeremy Piven match with Big Show getting a shot at the US Title tonight against Kofi Kingston!

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Nope.

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I understand they’re heels, but it’s a handicap match. Why did Rhodes and DiBiase leave the ring? They’ve got the numbers, and you’ve got King talking them up that this isn’t going to be a walk in the park for HHH. HHH dominates early, hitting a Shoulder Tackle, Suplex and Knee Drop on Rhodes. Rhodes cuts off a Back Body Drop attempt, and tags in to DiBiase, who runs in to a punch. HHH goes for the Pedigree on DiBiase, when Rhodes comes in to break that up. He only gets Back Dropped, however, and HHH then clotheslines him out of the ring, and tosses DiBiase onto Rhodes as we go to commercial.

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We’re back, and Rhodes has HHH in a Cravate. We find out that during the break, DiBiase hit a Stunner on the top rope to HHH to get them the advantage. HHH mounts a comeback but a blind tag by Rhodes sets up a Clothesline/Chop Block double team to HHH. I love it. Legacy continues to make quick tags, just laying in stomps to HHH and staying fresh. Love that, too. Rhodes distracts the ref so that DiBiase can choke HHH. Double team punches to the guy and Double Suplex get two for DiBiase, and he slaps on a rest hold. Again HHH tries to mount a comeback, but DiBiase cuts him off with a Powerslam for 2. Rhodes drops a knee of his own after getting tagged in, and puts on a variation of the Camel Clutch. HHH once AGAIN tries to mount a comeback, but this time Rhodes stops that dead in it’s tracks with a DDT. Rhodes goes up top for a weird looking moonsault, it had height but his arms were funky, and he would’ve missed even if HHH hadn’t moved. This is the double down, so to speak, with the only tag going to Rhodes and DiBiase. But no! HHH cuts it off and knocks DiBiase off the apron. He’s back in and hit’s a high knee to Rhodes! Knee to the face! DiBiase gets up on the apron but gets Rhodes tossed into him, and HHH hit’s the Spinebuster! Pedigree! NO! DiBiase cuts that off from behind and hit’s the Dream Street on HHH! Rhodes covers! ONE! TWO! THR- KICKOUT! Wow, I could’ve seen that being it. I know it’s HHH, and he’s going to win, but that was a well done False finish. Rhodes picks HHH up… CROSS RHODES! ONE! TWO! THREE! Whoa!

Post-match, HHH says things aren’t the way they used to be. Maybe he should start a group? Evolution? No. Randy’s a jerk, Batista is always hurt, and Flair is signing autographs at the VFW or something. Maybe… just maybe… HHH just needs to make one phone call. And if we’re not down with that, he’s got two words for them! Rad. Well at least they had Legacy win this match, so that the Summerslam match vs. HHH and HBK will be at least a LITTLE bit in doubt. Not much, but a little.

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We’re back and Piven and Ken are watching a promo for their movie. Charo walks in and gets into a wrong name competition with Hiro and Jon Favreau… er, Dr. Kim and Jeremy Piven. He gives Chavo a match with Horn Gobbler, but has some tricks up his sleeves…

Primo starts out hot with a Head Scissors and some punches. Carlito tries to toss him out of the ring, but Primo stays on the apron and slingshots himself back in, hitting the ropes and nailing a Clothesline, then diving through the ropes onto Carlito! Only gets 2, however. Carlito gets a snap Neck Breaker off the ropes, Arik Cannon/Chris Sabin style. He slows the pace down with a rest hold, but Primo doesn’t stay there long. He hit’s the ropes for a back elbow, clothesline and Dropkick. He charges at Carlito and hit’s a Monkey Flip, but gets his shoulder tossed into the ring post to cut off the momentum! Back Stabber! NO! ROLL UP! ONE! TWO! THR- NO! Kickout! Both are right up to their feet and Carlito hit’s the Back Stabber this time! ONE! TWO! THREE!

COMMERCIAL!

Is it ok with everyone if I give this match ***** for Henry’s outfit? No? Damnit. That hat is the pimp shit. Gigantor World’s Strongest Slam to Charo! One! Two! Three!

THEY FOOLED US! THEY FOOLED US ALL ALONG! HORNSWAGGLE WAS UNDER THE RING! MY GAWD! MY GAWD! TADPOLE SPLASH! WITH GOD AS MY WITNESS CHARO GUERRERRO IS BROKEN IN HAAAAAAALF! MARKSWAGGLE AND HORNSWAGGLE DANCE! IRISH JIIIIIIIIIG! MARKSWAGGLE JUST CLICKED HIS HEELS!

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back and Cher looks like Randy Orton, so says Mr. Piven. NO! DR. KEN’S PACIFIER! Shit got REAL right there. Orton doesn’t want to be the guest ring announcer for Cena vs. Miz. If he would kick VINCE MCMAHON’S skull, what exactly is stopping him from doing it to Piven and Ken? Good point, Randall.

I’d say Kofi doesn’t stand a chance, but then I didn’t think Rhodes and DiBiase would win, either. DDT to Kofi’s leg, which is great, because Kofi’s speed is all he has against Big Show. Jericho on commentary is great, because he puts Kofi over as a fine competitor, but makes Big Show sound even better. Show is certainly living up to it, completely dominating Kofi in the ring. Kofi gets a little momentum with some kicks, but a Springboard Cross Body gets stopped with a Body Slam. VADER SPLASH! ONE! TWO! THRE- FOOT ON THE ROPES! Big stomp to the mid section of Kofi Kingston. Jericho brings out a great notch on the Big Show/Jericho bed post, as together they’ve won 40+ titles. That’s impressive as hell. Big Show gets a great looking Submission on Kingston, and shouldn’t have let it go. Show goes for another Vader Bomb, but Kofi makes his comeback! Trouble In Paradise! HUGE Double LegDrop! ONE! TWO! THRE- NO! Big Show press slams him off! SPEAR BY BIG SHOW! Kofi is in the ropes and Big Show is just DISMANTLING him with kidney punches! TOO MUCH however! The ref DQ’s him!

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back, and HHH gets his one phone call. This person seems to be much less excited about a comeback than HHH is. He’s doing a job? He’s where? I thought he said he wasn’t doing anymore jobs! Yep, that’s definitely HBK he’s calling, in case anyone was still on the fence about it.

“GOOGLE IT! WHY WOULDN’T YOU GOOGLE IT!? I JUST TOLD YOU TO GOOGLE IT!?”

“I googled it. It said you fucking blow.”

WIN.

COMMERCIAL!

Next week we get SGT. SLAUGHTER! I’m excited for that. I’m also completely and totally surprised that Santino didn’t get any bits with Piven and Dr. Ken tonight. Really surprised at that one.

HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HEEEEEEEEEEEELS! Piven and Dr. Ken are HUGE Randy Orton fans! YOU SHUT UP FAT BOY! They’ve hand picked every Lumberjack for this match! My God this is pretty great and unexpected. Piven’s death stare was amazing, too. I shouldn’t be surprised, he IS an actor after all. CHRIS MASTERS! I’m happy. Well, if nothing else, this should guarantee Miz FINALLY gets to pin Cena. Right?

Cena takes the first shot, however, going to the outside and getting one punch before sliding back in and hitting a Bulldog on Miz, followed by a Clothesline to the outside. Miz charges in and gets Drop Toe Holded, followed by an STF! NO! Legacy is up on the apron and distracts Cena! Miz attacks him from behind and knocks Cena out… MASTERLOCK! FTW! Cena fails the Masterlock Challenge, WHOO! Cover by Miz but it only gets 2. Miz sends Cena into the turnbuckles, Hart-style, and hit’s a Lariat for another 2 count. Dr. Ken would be such a fucking great manager. “YOU’RE A WINNER!” Cena starts to mount some offense and sets up for the “You Can’t See Me!” but Orton pulls the top rope down and Legacy begins a mega-beat down on Cena, softening him up for a Miz victory and for their match at Summerslam. Dr. Ken slips Miz the pimp cane, but Cena catches him! ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT TO MIZ! ONE! TWO! THREE!

Post-match, Cena lays out everyone who tries to get into the ring. Piven seems to have grown some mega balls, and is up on the top rope! CROSS BODY! (And a fairly good looking one, too) NO! Cena catches him! Attitude Adjustment! NO! Dr. Ken has the cane! He blasts Cena with it! Who promptly no sells the shit out of it. Kim cries innocence and tries to celebrate with Cena! “WE WON! THE GOOD GUYS WON!” and they shake hands! Well that’s not going to last. Cena picks him up with a Gorilla Press and throws him onto some heels! Geez, three guys and they STILL don’t catch him properly and he hits his head on the outside. Way to go, guys. He’s a buck fifty, soaking wet, and you can’t protect his HEAD? Legacy is on the ramp looking pissed, while Cena is all smiles in the ring.

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HHH

MVP

Jack Swagger

Mark Henry

John Cena

Why not put them in a 5-man Elimination match? To see which one of them deserves it most? Either way, Jericho is out, and good LORD is he short compared to Shaq. He gets off on the wrong foot with Shaq, bringing up Kobe Bryant, so Shaq kisses him and calls him Christina. PYSCHE OOOOOOOOUT! Then he ruffles his hair. This is just really entertaining. Shaq knows how to play a role, and Jericho is… well, Jericho. And Jericho doesn’t like this one bit, but he’s not going to leave. No, he’s going to bring out his Tag Team partner… THE BIG SHOW! Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes. This is going to be a damn great stand off. Show thinks Shaq has more chances of hitting two free throws in a row than intimidating him. Names start flying, and I’m waiting for the fists to start flying, damnit! Show isn’t going to fight him… and hey, neither is Jericho! Nobody asked him, though. Shaq doesn’t need to fight anybody, either, as he brought two people over to take Jericho and Big Show out… Cryme Tyme! This was a fantastic opening segment. Jericho and Shaq had great verbal sparring, Show and Shaq had the stand off and great verbal sparring, it set up a tag match people are obviously jacked for now. Just well done by everybody involved.

COMMERCIAL!

COMMERCIAL!

COMMERCIAL!

Trust me, I know I’m pathetic, I don’t care. I’m a Masterpiece mark. Ya see, this match is much more suited towards the BTC idea. MVP is going as fast as he can with roll ups and trying to catch Masters off guard. And Masters is basically on cloud 9 to just get a chance at the spotlight again. “Ya gotta beat that time, boy”. The repeated attempts at the Masterlock makes me smile, and MVP has an interesting counter every single time. He takes Masters’ head off with Lariat, but it only gets 2. We’ve got 4 minutes left for MVP to beat Mark Henry’s time. The crowd is chanting “You can’t wrestle” but it’s during the wrong match. They should yell it at Mark Henry. Both men are on the outside trading shots, and MVP is trying desperately to get back into the ring, but Masters won’t let him! He locks on the Masterlock! THE REF COUNTS TO TEN! Double Count Out! MVP is out of the running!

COMMERCIAL!

Didn’t Rhodes learn anything from HHH’s match with MVP a few weeks back? You go for HHH’s knee, and he punches you. A lot. You’d think HHH’s strategy is terrible, with the headlock and headlock takedowns on Rhodes, but he needs his knee to continue healing. This match is doing a lot for Rhodes. It gives him believable ways to take over on HHH, who is obviously better than him. Rhodes continues his smart strategy on HHH, slapping on the Stretch Muffler to give even more abuse to HHH’s knee. Think about this: If he continues to work on the knee, and HHH somehow pulls off the quick win and goes on to Orton, will he even have a chance? Orton is wily, he’s crafty. He’ll pick the knee apart until HHH can’t even stand anymore. Rhodes goes up to the second rope for a Double Axe Handle, but gets booted by HHH! PEDIGREE! No! Rhodes counters out and puts HHH in the FIGURE FOUR! WHOO! HHH rolls it over, though, and puts the pressure on Rhodes. Rhodes goes for it again, but he gets pushed off into the turnbuckles. He turns around and gets Lariated by HHH! Crowd is pumped right now. Spinebuster! But DiBiase is up on the apron now! He wants him to hit him! HHH won’t bite! He takes Rhodes and throws him into DiBiase! PEDIGREE! BUT THE TIME RAN OUT!

COMMERCIAL!

On a random note, I find it odd that Undertaker and Edge are on the Sumerslam cups, considering neither will even be on the show.

COMMERCIAL!

Another random note, this has been a quick-feeling show. I didn’t realize it’d already been an hour and a half until I glanced at the clock. Maybe light on major angles moving forward and such, but very high on entertainment.

They start it out with Bourne avoiding a few takedowns, and hitting a Hurricanrana. It doesn’t take long for Swagger to take over, though, nailing a slick Ocean Cyclone Suplex (Or a Wheelbarrow German Suplex, for those who don’t know). Effortless Northern Lights Suplex for 2. Followed by a Vertical Suplex for 2 again. He puts Bourne in a Body Scissors with the arms, and goes for the Dr. Bomb… but Bourne reverses it into a Small Package! ONE! TWO! THREE! Holy shit!

Sorry folks, but I need to take a poop. Anything I miss, I apologize. It cannot be helped.

I’m a little worried that we’ve still got the Tag Match, and there’s only 15 minutes left on Raw. Miz is on the outside, but doesn’t know what to do when he realizes that getting counted out means Cena wins and gets to face Orton at Summerslam. So he slides back in, and Cena promptly takes over. When Miz gets his opening, he really takes it to Cena, and ends up tossing Cena to the outside. The ref makes it to a VERY long 9 count, but that only keeps him from getting counted out. Miz is still being aggressive and ties him up in the ropes. Cena breaks free and when Miz charges at him, he gets a Drop Toe Hold into the STF for the tapout! Cena is going to Summerslam to fight Orton for the WWE Title!

Either I’m retarded and he’s had them for a while, or this is the first time, but Show’s Singlet is just weird after all these years of the solid black one. Apparently Shaq is in the top 50 celebrity hosts Raw has had so far. 50? Really? Ignoring the fact that there is no way they’ve had 50 celebrity hosts in their ENTIRE run of Raw, but is that supposed to be a compliment? Top 50? The match is pretty bland, action wise, but the crowd seems to like it. That was a pretty damn great counter, though. Shad went for an STO, but Jericho slickly reversed out into the Walls Of Jericho. Shad tosses him off, though, and him and JTG hit their variation on the Doomsday Deice. It’s not meant to be, however, as Big Show comes in and cleans house, getting Jericho and himself DQed.

Not heavy on a lot of quality wrestling, but it was entertaining just about the entire way through, and that’s all you can ask for. It’s all I can, anyways. Hopefully you’re not just reading this Report, and watched the show yourself. You definitely wouldn’t have regretted it.

That’s it for me, folks. Take it easy, and see you all here next week for the Raw Report!

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Orton comes out to break up the mutual admiration society. With Seth in between HHH and Orton, it looks like two angry parents arguing over child custody. Poor guy. At least he’ll get double the presents for birthdays and Christmas’.

COMMERCIAL!

6-Diva Bikini match- Mickie James, Kelly Kelly and Gail Kim vs. Maryse, Alicia Fox and Rosa Mendes

Don’t care.

Winners: Maryse, Alicia Fox and Rosa Mendes

Backstage, Green is doing his private happy dance when Chris Jericho comes in. Jericho us upset with Seth, since he didn’t cater to him and try to impress him. Jericho’s got something to say later, and Seth better not get in his way.

COMMERCIAL!

Primo is out for a promo. Doesn’t waste anytime, either. He calls Carlito out right away. Well, he didn’t get that. He DID get The Miz, however. HA! Miz getting rid of the accent and emphasis in “Colon” is amazing.

Primo vs. Miz

Does anyone know why Primo does that ridiculously gay toe touch after his Back Body Drop? For not being much of a singles wrestler up until now, the crowd is pretty mightily into Primo. Carlito comes out to distract Primo, however, and Miz hit’s the Reality Check for the 1-2-3. Afterwards, Carlito gets in the ring to beat on his brother some more, and pulls out the apple! IN THE FACE! IN THE FAAAAACE!

Winner: The Miz, *. Not much of a match, but it certainly wasn’t bad.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back with Hornswaggle in Seth Green’s office. Horny gets a rematch with Chavo, and Chavo’s got to have one arm tied behind his back. Once he leaves, Big Show comes in and hilariously insults Seth Green with his Austin Powers impression. Just lovely.

MVP vs. Jack Swagger

This right here is a test to see if they can carry a feud, match quality-wise. I really hope they step up. Crowd with a very loud “MVP” chant. Swagger makes the first move, with a waist lock takedown and then rides MVP and paint brushes the back of his head. It doesn’t take MVP long to settle that one, and Swagger bails to the outside as we go to commercial.

COMMERCIAL!

Back, and we see MVP hit a clothesline, only for Swagger to bail again. Back in the ring, MVP goes for the Playmaker, but Swagger reverses that and sends MVP shoulder first into the ring post. Cover gets a 2 count. Swagger nails the ode to Vader, but soon after MVP starts coming back. He hit’s a clothesline, knee to the face and gets his BALLIN’ elbow drop. Crowd is really into that, and I love it. Swagger charges but gets back dropped to the apron. He then counters whatever MVP was going for, and pulls his arm down across the top rope. He follows that up with the Gutwrench Powerbomb for… 3?

Winner: Jack Swagger, *½.

COMMERCIAL!

Jericho out for a promo. Says this is the first time the Unified titles are being defended by one man. He’s the best wrestler in the world, and Edge is just injury prone and holding him back. Instead of forfeiting them, Jericho says he’s found a replacement partner. Jericho is running down his new partner’s strong points and… Mark Henry comes out? Every time I see him, he reminds me of this girl I went to Elementary school with. Yes, I said GIRL. Jericho is pretty impressed and happy with Henry being his partner. Except Henry didn’t come out here to tag with him, he came out to have a match with him. Whoo!

Chris Jericho vs. Mark Henry

Henry dominates from the start, if you can believe that. Jericho bails though and goes up the ramp. He wants absolutely nothing to do with him. Jericho stalls for a while, and when he finally slides back in, he gets avalanched in the corner. Hip toss, as well. Going for the World’s Strongest Slam, Jericho slides out behind Henry and clubs the back, only to get hit with a big running body block. This time he retreats all the way up the ramp, giving Henry the win via CO.

Winner: Mark Henry, ½*. Again, like most Henry matches, it wasn’t super exciting, but it did a lot to put him over as an unstoppable chocolate beast.

COMMERCIAL!

Hornswaggle vs. Chavo Guerrerro

If Hornswaggle loses this match, it will make no sense, since he beat Chavo fair and square with no arm tied behind his back. Then again, Chavo getting beat by a midget cleanly doesn’t make the most sense, either. Hornswaggle busts out the nostalgia and gives Chavo the Stink Face. Goes for the Bronco Buster, as well, but Chavo boots him down and takes over the match. That doesn’t last long, as Hornswaggle gets a Small Package for the 1-2-3!

Winner: Hornswaggle, ¼*. Whatever.

Backstage, Orton commends DiBiase Jr. for slapping his own father. Rhodes comes in and gets a little jab at Jr. and they have a stare down. Orton says to divide and conquer, but leave Seth Green for him.

COMMERCIAL!

Evan Bourne vs. The Big Show

Bourne tries to stick and move on Big Show, but that really doesn’t work out for him. A chop brings Evan to his knees, only for Show to dead lift him and throw him across the ring. A Missile Dropkick does nothing to Show, and Bourne charges but gets met with a Spear. He took a pretty sick bump for that. Show follows it up and chokes him out for the win.

Winner: The Big Show, ½*. The match was nothing, just there to get Show over as a monster. Not sure why, though, as Show has done this so many times, it’s drilled into our heads that he can be an unstoppable monster whenever he wants to be. Whatever.

COMMERCIAL!

Backstage, Santino makes my night by playing with action figures. He asks Seth Green if he can get a spot in his next movie. Cena and HHH enter the ring, Santino exit stage left. He’s in the best shape of his life… not counting his asthma. It was a clarity breath, damnit! “There’s no need to argue about this… he‘s gonna get killed” “… Yeah that’s true.

COMMERCIAL!

Legacy vs. Seth Green, HHH and John Cena

COMMERCIAL!

Yeesh, that’s terrible organization and production when you have to cut out for a commercial AS THE MATCH IS STARTING! I mean at least most matches get a minute or two in before the break. Crowd with a “We want Seth” chant. He actually gets a decent looking punch in! Rhodes is hardly phased though, so Green slides to the outside, and leads him right into a strike from HHH. He tags out quick to Cena, who gets beat down relatively quickly. Cena with the hot tag to HHH, and he’s a house of fire. He goes for the Pedigree on Orton, but Rhodes and Jr. come in to break that up. A mini brawl starts, distracting HHH! He gets RKOed! ONE! TWO! THRE- SETH GREEN BREAKS IT UP! Huge pop for that. Orton has much different feelings about it. He sets up for the punt on Green, but Cena tackles him down to prevent it. Legacy are back in for a 3-on-1 on Cena, and they get a chair, but HHH brings in the sledgehammer! The ref calls for the bell and HHH is swinging for anything that moves! Even Cena! They have a good stare down as the crowd chants “Seth” haha. The two biggest stars in the company are having a stare down, building their program for the PPV and… the crowd is chanting for the midget celebrity. Awesome.

Winners: No Contest, *¾. As was the trend tonight, the match itself wasn’t that great, but it get angles over and advanced the issues.

This was one of the first Raws in a really long time that I just did not enjoy much. It’s a rarity for me, but hey, it had to happen sometime. I’ll see you guys next week for the Raw Report!

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The show begins with “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase being introduced. That laugh is just iconic in the wrestling industry. HOLY SHIT! HE’S GOT THE MILLION DOLLAR BELT! I can’t explain how happy I am about that. You should be too. The good feelings don’t last long, though, as DiBiase brings out Cody Rhodes and his son, Ted DiBiase Jr. After all these years, the man can cut a great promo. Such a smooth talker. I mean he went from being beloved from nostalgia, to praising Priceless and getting them to boo him like hell. Rhodes and DiBiase Jr. pray for the day they’ll be able to get this amount of heat on their own. DiBiase isn’t allowed to make title matches, but he’s still got a lot in store for Raw tonight. Due to Henry putting a real hurting on Orton last week, DiBiase gives Cody Rhodes a match with MARK HENRY! As for his son, he saw the way he looked at Orton at The Bash. Because of it, he’s giving him a match tonight… against Randy Orton! Right before we go to commercial break, Edge and Chris Jericho make their way out for a stand-off with Rhodes and DiBiase Jr.

COMMERCIAL!

Loved their match last week, hopefully it’s more of the same. We start out with Carlito and Edge this week. Carlito controls early, but gets cut off with a Big Boot from Edge. Edge tags out, with Jericho coming in and hitting a back elbow and Belly-To-Back Suplex for a 2 count. This match is going a lot different than last week. Carlito and Primo didn’t have the hot start, because Edge and Jericho have a 2 vs. 2 match under their belt against them, and know what to do to avoid that. Jericho slaps on a wear down hold, but Carlito fights up, hit’s the ropes, and gets his Springboard Back Elbow. Primo with the hot tag and he just takes the Tag Team Champions DOWN. As well he should, he’s been on the apron the whole match! Primo gets locked up in the ropes and Carlito frees his arms up. Edge charges in for the Spear, but Primo moves out of the way, leaving CARLITO on the apron to take the charge! Primo gets a quick roll-up on Edge for 2. Carlito tries to come back into the ring but this just distracts the ref. Edge pushes Primo towards Jericho, who hit’s the CODE BREAKER! Primo is still on his feet, staggered, and Edge drills him with the Spear! ONE! TWO! THREE! Post match, Carlito LOSES it and tosses Primo into the turnbuckle, to the outside, over the announce table, and just generally fucks his shit up.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back and the five people traded to Raw are glossed over again. Evan Bourne, Gail Kim, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry and Alicia Fox. I’d like to note that of them all, Bourne got far and away the biggest reaction. That pleases me. Henry didn’t do too bad, either, in the cheers department. Swagger got some solid boos. Alicia Fox got a whooooole lot of nothing.

If you don’t know the drill by now, I just don’t bother with PBP or star ratings for women’s matches. Call me whatever you want to, I’m just not interested. I still watch, but I’m never inclined to do write-ups for them. I’ll say this, though, Gail Kim did an awesome Cross Body through the ropes in the corner, and then sat on Alicia’s head when she went for a shoulder to the gut through the ropes. Not to mention that pulled in Big Boot to the face that she stole from Chuck Taylor (Who probably stole that from someone else)

Backstage, Rhodes tries to buy Ted DiBiase off so he doesn’t have to wrestle Mark Henry tonight. Seriously? Really? Did he run that idea by anyone else before actually putting it in motion. Seeing him try to sing Dusty Rhodes’ song was pretty great. Too bad Ted DiBiase HATES Dusty Rhodes, due to him being in the Hall of Fame, and not DiBiase. I really hope he makes Cody wear the polka dots. That way his Yellow and Green “Robin” trunks won’t be at the top of the list of “Shit outfits I’ve worn while getting my ass kicked.” What would DiBiase want to have to do with The son of a son of a plumber, anyways?

COMMERCIAL!

It still makes my head want to explode that just standing up to Randy Orton can get Mark Henry so over as a face. But then again, barring a swerve later on where Ted turns on his dad, DiBiase might get pretty over too. I guess Orton is the heel to get new faces over. I can deal with that. I’m sure he can, too, you can never have enough of a heel like that. Oh, right, there’s a match going on. Well there was, but Henry catches Rhodes off a Cross Body, and hit’s the World’s Strongest Slam! Rhodes very, very smartly rolls to the outside and takes the count out loss. Looks better on his record than taking a pin fall, that’s for sure.

COMMERCIAL!

Something small, but DiBiase is wearing red tights as opposed to Orton and Rhodes who had black. You might not always recognize it, but those are little things that you store in the back of your mind to differentiate people in the ring. Orton dominates early, having the experience, size, and power advantage. Another cool little thing: They do the indy standoff Headlock/Head Scissors spot, and they separate and stare head other down but don’t wait for the crowd to applaud. This isn’t about the crowd. This is between the two of them. Orton backs Ted into the ropes and yells “WHY?” and Ted simply responds with a punch! A Dropkick sends Orton to the outside, and that’s quickly followed up with a Baseball Slide sending Orton on his ass! He’s stunned as Teddy Jr. is intense and ready in the ring.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back with Orton in control with his chin lock. I think I’ll always love Orton’s stomps around the body. It’s just such a heel-ish thing to do. DiBiase gets a few quick roll-ups but Orton kicks out of them, and lays him OUT with a straight punch to the head. Randy is being really disrespectful with the unnecessary kicks to the ribs. Great character moment as Orton has Ted ready for the DDT in the ropes and he says “I didn’t want to do this Ted…” and just waits there, knowing he has Ted exactly where he wants him. Match should be over, but Ted kicks out at 2! Orton is shocked, and goes for another cover. He only gets 2 again. High Knee Drop gets another 2 count, making Randy go back to the chin lock to try and wear DiBiase down more. DiBiase starts his comeback, going to the second rope and nailing a Flying Forearm to Orton! ONE! TWO! THR- KICKOUT! A Neck Breaker to his back sets up the RKO… NO! BACKSLIDE! ONE! TWO! THRE- KICKOUT! Orton hit’s the ropes but gets caught with a Power Slam by DiBiase! ONE! TWO! THRE- KICKOUT! Ted goes for his Cobra Clutch Leg Sweet (Dream Street) but Orton throws him forward, and when they get back to their feet, immediately hits an RKO! ONE! TWO! THREE!

Backstage, HHH vows to do whatever it takes to whoever is in front of him to get a shot at Orton for the WWE Title at Night Of Champions. All bets are off.

COMMERCIAL!

His guest is “The All-American American” Jack Swagger. MVP’s first question is how it felt to make his debut and show his cowardice by taking a Count Out. “I went to the University of Oklahoma! Do you know what that means!?” “That you couldn’t get into a better school?” Win. Swagger goes below the belt, calling MVP out on being in jail for 10 years. MVP takes it in stride, though, admitting his past failures, and how he uses it to influence teens now to help them make the choices he didn’t. Holy sweet God, did Jack Swagger just say “Dawg”? Win again. MVP says Swagger must’ve never learned the difference between an excuse and an explanation. There’s another big difference between them. MVP has NEVER backed down from a fight… and there goes Swagger out of the ring. That was a downright amazing segment. The crowd now has more of a chance to get over, because the crowd relates to him past saying “BALLIN’!” MVP is now an honest man, who admits his faults (Which everyone has. Faces are perfect, either), owns up to them, and explains how it’s changed his life for the better. I love it!

Backstage, Jr. is distraught and Sr. is all smiles. He gave it all he could, and he’s very, very proud of his son. Jr. doesn’t see it that way, though, and SLAPS THE SHIT out of his dad. Again, he got cheered during the match for going up against Orton, but he’s not a face. And now he’s listened to his dad, and tried to fight the leader of the group he’s in, and lost, just like he figured he would before his dad gave him the pep talk. Now what does he do? Apologize? Go it alone? Just great story telling.

COMMERCIAL!

They do some hold for hold into a quick pin fall sequence, until Bourne misses an Enziguri, allowing Kofi to lock on a Single Leg Boston Crab. That was pretty spiffy. They trade Headlocks again, but not for long, both wanting to speed up the pace. Kofi hit’s a Springboard Cross Body and goes for his leap up 10 punches in the corner, but Bourne gets a knee up! Kofi is down! SHOOTING STAR PRESS BY BOURNE! ONE! TWO! THREE! After the match, The Big Show comes out and just lays Bourne and Kingston to waste. I loved Bourne getting the win, but this would’ve worked better if Show had come out during a hot portion of the match with lots of action, that way the crowd felt cheated out of a great match. As it is, he came out after everything was said and done and the crowd was more indifferent than emotionally involved.

COMMERCIAL!

Backstage, Cena says tonight has turned into Wrestlemania. It’s about the WWE Universe. Cena agrees that all bets are off tonight. It’s two forces clashing and only one can come out the victor.

I love that this match will be getting 15-20 minutes. It’s pretty much the biggest match WWE can do. Take that how you want, seeing as it’s been the biggest match they could do since 2006, too. I got to see this match live at Wrestlemania 22. It was insane to be a part of that crowd.

On topic, this has a really, really, really big feel to it. They both stand off in the middle of the ring. Just a slow look to the crowd gets huge ovations. Neither needs to take a cheap shot. They gain nothing by cutting corners, because they want to be able to say they beat the other man fair and square. More shit talking from both men, and they trade punches. The crowd is super into this. Cena goes for his comeback sequence with the multiple Shoulder Tackles, but HHH isn’t worn down nearly enough, getting a High Knee. HHH goes to whip Cena into the corner, but Cena reverses, sending HHH into the corner AND UP AND OVER THE ROPES TO THE OUTSIDE! Always a great bump to keep the crowd on their feet and not settle into only watching, not participating and reacting. Cena goes to follow up with an Attitude Adjustment on the outside, but again, HHH isn’t nearly worn down enough, and he sends Cena’s head into the steel steps!

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back and HHH puts all he has into whipping Cena into the turnbuckles. It’s little things like that, that separate a HHH from the rest. He knows how to work the crowd and makes things look as believable as you can in a very publicly announced fake sport. Cena gets a small glimmer of hope with a comeback, but HHH cuts that shit off like a Jew and his foreskin. Too Much? HHH is really working over Cena’s back, which is smart. Not due to the Pedigree, but if you take out the core, it’s a lot harder to kick out, or lift someone up for say, an Attitude Adjustment? These two guys make something so mundane like trading punches into a must-see, can’t-miss EVENT. The crowd is game, too, cheering or booing for just about anything. No dead spots because the crowd is constantly involved. Cena starts his comeback sequence again, but HHH kills that shit dead with a big Clothesline, and a Spinebuster. Pedigree attempt by HHH, but Cena back drops him out. That had to be hell on his back. Cena hit’s the ropes for another Shoulder Tackle but HHH cuts it off with a Sleeper! Freakin’ brilliant. Use his momentum against him, and regain some composure for yourself. But Cena powers out, and pushes HHH into the ropes… AND SLAPS ON A SLEEPER OF HIS OWN! It’s so basic, but they work it so well, with HHH fighting desperately to get out. He knows how powerful the Sleeper is, he just tried to use it to win! It takes him a little while, but HHH breaks out of it, dropping Cena with a Belly-To-Back Suplex. Cena and HHH are slow to their feet, getting up at 7 and 8 respectively. They trade punches again, and this has to be euphoria for these two men. They’re just trading punches, and the crowd is eating it up with a spoon and asking for thirds. Cena breaks that shit up, though, and nails his Flipping Neck Breaker, but misses his Leg Drop to the back of the head! Pedigree! NO! JACK KNIFE COVER BY CENA! ONE! TWO! THR- NO! ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT! NO! HHH WITH THE ROLL UP! ONE! TWO! THR- NO! Drop Toe Hold! STF TO HHH! But he’s so close to the ropes, he grabs them relatively quickly! Cena pulls him away from the ropes and goes for the STF again but gets School Boyed! ONE! TWO! THR- NO! Slingshot into the corner to HHH! HHH staggers out… ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT! NO! HHH holds onto the ropes! Both men charge and hit a double Clothesline! These two are SPENT, but the crowd being so into it is probably helping them recharge quite a lot. SHIT! Orton sends out Rhodes and DiBiase to stop the match!

Orton says it’s a double DQ, but Ted DiBiase is out to squash that! Orton says neither man won, but DiBiase says neither man LOST! It’s a Triple Threat Match against Cena and HHH at Night Of Champions! His plan backfired!

This was a great Raw. Solid matches all the way through to the exciting conclusion, DiBiase Sr. really added to the show very time he was on screen (like old times) and I’m looking forward to next week. See everybody next Monday!

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-The opening video still gets me pumped up to watch wrestling. Not the Papa Roach one, the very initial one. It’s just well done.

-Raw starts out with Vince looking very casual and… bright. Powder blue, Vince, I’m impressed. He can’t give a commercial free Raw, but he CAN give the fans their money back. He’s simply just not going to. Keep that pimp hand strong, Vince. He’s going to shake things up, though, and the special guest host of Raw this week… “The Animal” Dave Batista! He’s out complete with suit and arm… cast? Brace? Apparatus. It’s color coordinated for our viewing pleasure. He starts things off pretty quick. We’ve got The Miz vs. John Cena and MVP vs. HHH in a mini-tournament for who gets a shot at Randy Orton at Night Of Champions.

-Randy Orton interrupts. It’s really badly advised, as Batista is in charge and he can fire ALL of Legacy tonight if he wanted! Apparently, Trump made a trade to bring 5 people to Raw. Tonight, Orton faces 3 of them in a gauntlet-style match!

COMMERCIAL!

-MVP vs. HHH

I’m actually very much looking forward to this. This could be a solid face vs. face match. I wonder if anyone ever gets pissed off when HHH throws his water into the crowd and they get drenched. Anyways, they start slow and HHH has the power advantage, but he is selling his knee from the previous week’s battles with Orton. HHH is giving some warning shots to MVP to stay off of the knee, but MVP is not so easily swayed. It’s slow and not so glamorous, but this is a good story. MVP isn’t doing anything heel-ish, he’s just capitalizing on something in his favor. He puts HHH in the Figure Four, making me smile when he tries to point out HHH’s shoulders on the canvas. HHH gets his face slammed into the knee, followed by the BALLIN’! Elbow Drop. MVP hit’s the Yakuza Kick in the corner for a really nice near fall. Playmaker gets reversed to the Pedigree and HHH picks up the 1-2-3!

COMMERCIAL!

-Putting the Unified Tag Belts on Jericho and Edge was really, really smart. You can now put two of your best heels on every show. That could never be a bad move.

-Unified Tag Team Championship Match: Chris Jericho and Edge © vs. The Colons (Primo and Carlito)Jericho starts it out with, what else, a promo. It’s like he spends all day looking up the biggest words possible. I’m begging this match to get time, as it good do a lot for Carlito and Primo as faces. There’s no reason they should win this match, but that doesn’t mean you can’t give the illusion that they could. Primo and Jericho start us out. It doesn’t take long for Edge to try and cheat for his team, but that backfires as Primo knocks him off the apron, and then Back Body Drops Jericho down onto him on the outside! And that gets followed up with a Double Baseball Slide Dropkick by Primo and Carlito! I like it, solid start to the match.

COMMERCIAL!

-We’re back, and Jericho is now with an advantage over Primo due to do double flapjack during the break. Primo tries a comeback but eats an Enziguri from Chris Jericho. Primo makes the comeback and Carlito and Jericho do some pretty good back and forth. Jericho misses his Lionsault, but Carlito hit’s an Asai Moonsault for a great near fall! Jericho goes for a Slingshot, but Carlito punches Edge off the apron and then hit’s a Springboard Crossbody onto Jericho for another hot near fall! Jericho makes the tag and Edge goes for a Spear, but Primo saves that. Edge is pissed, and knocks Primo down, which just leaves him open to the Back Stabber from Carlito! ONE! TWO! THR- JERICHO breaks it up! That right there was great, because Edge made no motion at all to kick out. Normally you get the guy kicking out, making the break-up of the cover absolutely worthless. Primo dives out onto Jericho, taking him out of the match. In the ring, Carlito goes for his Springboard Back Elbow, but Jericho shoves Primo into the ropes, screwing that up. Carlito is pissed, and turns around RIGHT into a Spear! ONE! TWO! THREE!

COMMERCIAL!

-We’re back, and Batista lets Orton know that if Legacy interferes at all in the gauntlet, they’ll be fired on the spot.

-Great highlight package for the Cena/Miz feud. Say what you will about Miz being “buried” in all this, but he is getting major exposure. In WWE, perception is reality, and they are trying to push the fact that Miz has a chance against John Cena. Not everybody can hang with him. The Miz is. Think about that.

COMMERCIAL!

-John Cena vs. The MizMiz, to his credit, weathers the early storm and takes over on John Cena. BAAAAAAAAACCCKCKKKKKACKCKCK BODY DROP to Miz! Does anybody else miss Vince as an announcer? I don’t want to be the only one. Cena hits his Fisherman’s Suplex and slaps on a Chinlock. Odd. Miz gets the break from the ref, and does not give a clean break, hitting a Suplex and slapping on a Chinlock of his own. Cena pretty easily powers out of that, so Miz lifts a knee to the mid-section and keeps control. Neckbreaker gets 2 for Miz. Cena starts his comeback, but Miz stops it by shoving Cena off from a Bulldog! He then hit’s a Spinning Neckbreaker and damnit, this is exactly how you put over a heel trying to get credibility.

COMMERCIAL!

-We’re back and Miz got a Double Axe Handle to the back of the neck during the break. Again Miz cuts off a Cena comeback by avoiding a charge and then hitting a high powered Clothesline for a 2 count. One thing Miz has, compared to most other young guys, is the fact he gives facial expressions to his surroundings in the match. He REACTS to what is happening to him, and what he is doing. Cena finally looks to get a comeback but Miz cuts it off AGAIN, hitting an Electric Chair Drop for a couple close 2 counts! I can’t explain how well this match has been worked up until now. No one expected Miz to come in aggressive. No one expected Miz to come in and dominate. To ward off so many John Cena comebacks. It makes both guys looks better, as Miz is getting a believable beat down and Cena is going to look even better from coming back from such a beat down. After being put down with a sleeper, Cena makes the comeback we all saw coming, and finishes the match off with the STF.

COMMERCIAL!

-We’re back and Legacy are worried. Well, DiBiase isn’t. His dad, Ted DiBiase, is going to host Raw next week! I’m excited.

-Fatal 4-way Divas MatchI’m not interested, I don’t care. I have nothing to say about this match. I’m missing my millionth re-watch of the 2008 World Series Of Poker!

COMMERCIAL!

-Non-Title Match: The Big Show vs. Kofi Kingston ©This starts out, as you would imagine, with Big Show dominating Kofi in every which way. Nothing Kofi does is really taking The Big Show down. It takes a Springboard Dropkick to take him down, which is pretty impressive in and of itself. He hit’s the BOOM Leg Drop for 2, but Show kicks out and almost presses him to the ceiling. Kofi hits his leap-up 10 punches in the corner, but Big Show has enough of that about 2 punches in and just throws Kofi to the outside. And the ref…counts to 10?

COMMERCIAL!

Match 1: Randy Orton vs. EVAN BOURNE!

Alright, I’m excited already. Bourne could get squashed here, and I’m just happy that he’s on Raw, finally. He gets a fair sized amount of offense, though, making me even happier. It’s good to see Bourne use his high impact offense on a guy like Orton, because it shows he can do it safely. TOWER OF LONDON! HA! That was actually pretty great. For those that don’t want ROH, Bourne went for his Shooting Star Press, but Orton pushed the legs out. With Bourne draped over the ropes, Orton pulled him off and drilled him with an RKO. That gets the 3 count on Evan Bourne.

Another huge coup. That‘s two big young stars. This is going to change Raw a lot. Not tonight, however, as Swagger simply goes to the apron and gets counted out. His reasoning? He wanted to make an impression on Randy Orton. Orton certainly appreciates that.

Orton is, understandably, scared as shit. But Henry grabs a mic and says he wants to make an impression too! He… also goes to the apron to get counted out. Or not! Well, this is a great way to get Henry some face heat. Orton slumps to his knees and is begging Henry not to do anything. This means shit to the Strongest Man In The World, who proceeds to run a train on Orton. Orton tries for the RKO, but Henry blocks it. WORLDS STRONGEST SLAM! ONE! TWO! THREE!

-Post match, Batista is out and he looks very happy with himself.

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This is, of course, the night Raw reviewers have been dreading since the idea was confirmed: 2 hours, no commercials. And of course this is only my second Raw Review ever, my first being the 3 hour episode last week. You can’t see it, but I’m frowning right now. Believe it. I’ll try to get as much as I can but, I’ll be honest, there might be stuff I miss. My apologies in advance. Let’s get to it!
Recap of Orton winning the WWE Title last week. Also a recap of Vince announcing Trump as the new owner of Monday Night Raw. Then HHH winning the battle royale for a shot at Orton as The Bash. Then Trump announcing the match for this week, not the PPV. You’d think Trump would like money more than his actions indicate. What giving away your PPV Main Event on a free TV show with no commercials. Guess not.

Raw is from Green Bay, Wisconsin tonight. Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole your announcers. As well as Jim Ross and Todd Grisham.

Raw starts out with Donald Trump. He welcomes us to Monday Night Raw. This is really weird to see him as such a face. The new mic’s have “TRUMP RAW” on them. SHEESH! He’s giving a full refund to everyone who paid for this show. Well, it might not be fiscally sound for WWE, but it’s a pretty great thing to do as a face.

Out now is John Cena, and he’s rockin’ the shitty corn… er…. Green and Yellow. So far this is quite the crowd pleasing show. Cena says he’s got a match with The Big Show tonight. He says Trump has made a statement in 2 minutes, while some have tried and tried and haven’t attained it. He shows us some clips of The Miz trying to get over. I thought it worked, to be honest. He’s been getting pretty steadily more over every week. He calls out Miz, who gets met with some solid boos. Man, Miz really isn’t scared of Cena. I love it. He calls him a coward at the top of the ramp and Cena calls him out on that. Miz walks to the ring, gets in his face, and reiterates that point. “Normally, this is the portion of the show where The Miz would be picking up his teeth off the floor”. Cena’s good news and bad news sound a lot alike. All I know is I want to get The Bash solely for that match. I’m hyped for it. 6 more days and Miz will realize this isn’t The Real World. And he’ll find out that he isn’t a celebrity has been. He’s a wrestling never was. Great hype promo from Cena. Miz gets in a cheap shot but Cena is hardly phased.

And now we go to commerci- DAMNIT!

We change to Vince stranded on the side of the road. Trump has his limo, Vince has the back up. The driver suggests walking. Vince doesn’t walk. BUT… he does PIGGY BACK! Holy crap that was amazing. The arena is like a few hundred feet away. That was wonderful. Who knew Vince McMahon was down for a piggy back ride? His face, like always, was golden.

Jeff Hardy, The Great Khali and Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho ©, Dolph Ziggler and Edge
Punk is out w/ Camo Cargo shorts for commentary. I like it. Why do all wrestlers legs seem to be SO small outside of the kick pads and boots? Jericho’s game plan of slapping Khali works as well as you might think. Khali tosses all three men to the outside which is followed up by a big dive from Jeff Hardy! Mysterio gets up onto Khali’s shoulders and dives! KHALI GOES UP TOP AS WELL! Damnit, Jericho breaks it up. Asshole. I like that Punk wants to win at The Bash fairly against Jeff Hardy. It does him nothing to defend the belt against someone who isn’t 100%. HA! “What’s the story with this chicken? Can I partake in some?” I really miss Punk on commentary. The heels get a quick heat segment on Mysterio, but he gets the very hot tag to Jeff Hardy, who takes over on Ziggler. Ouch, that actually looked like a not so fun Atomic Drop. SPEAR by Edge to Hardy! Khali goes for the Double Chokeslam to Edge! But Jericho breaks it up! Codebreaker to Khali! SPEAR to Khali! DOUBLE 6-1-9 set up for Rey! Jericho moves out of the way! Rey goes for the Springboard Splash but Jericho stops him. ASAI MOONSAULT TO THE OUTSIDE ON JERICHO! Back inside the ring, Hardy hit’s the Twist Of Fate and Swanton for the 1-2-3! Post match, Punk comes in to congratulate Hardy, and Hardy certainly doesn’t like that.
Winners: Jeff Hardy, The Great Khali and Rey Mysterio Jr., *½. Too short to be anything special, but it was fun, and I really liked watching it. This has been a very crowd pleasing show, so far.

Backstage, Vince can’t get into Trump’s office. He’s approached from the rear by Santina Marella. I’d be worried, too. He… she offers some advice that Vince should share an office with the Donald. It could be called “McDonalds!” Trump’s deadpan delivery works well with Santina… FIRED! HOLY SHIT! Santino runs in to the camera view! I know that was a camera trick, but it made me laugh pretty unexpectedly. Say what you will, but Santino saying “Ah well, she had a good run” makes me happy that they are bringing Santina’s run to an end. It’s an abrupt end, but the crowd liked it, and that’s what they’re going for.

Primo and Carlito Colon are out for a little promo hyping their match against Priceless. They get some funny digs on them, and I’m looking forward to this match, as well. The Bash is actually shaping up to be a really, really quality PPV.

Cody Rhodes vs. Primo Colon
They trade holds and forearms until Cody gets the upper hand with a hot shot to Primo Colon. Rhodes drops a knee and slaps on a Cravate to wear down Primo. He gets tossed out, but Primo skins the cat… no! Rhodes runs and drives a knee to the back of the head, sending Primo face first to the outside. Rhodes gets a Chinlock and works it like Orton, making me happy. Head Scissors and a Drop Kick by Primo! Jack Knife cover on Rhodes! One! Two! Thr- NO! I bought that as a finish, only because these matches are always so short. Rhodes gets a Russian Leg Sweep! One! Two! Thr- NO! Primo with a Small Package! ONE! TWO! THR- NO! Primo goes up top and nails Rhodes with a Cross Body Press! Rhodes rolls through! ONE! TWO! HE’S GOT THE TIGHTS! THREE!
Winner: Cody Rhodes, *. The match was fine, just short like almost all Raw matches.

Vince backstage again, and this time he runs into Goldust and Hornswaggle. Goldust wants to test out his blond wig on Vince. I can’t tell, but I don’t think Vince liked that. He looks into the bathroom, and sees his office has been moved to a bathroom stall. Strike that, a USED bathroom stall, as Festus comes out reading the Wall Street Journal. That’s a great little touch.

We get a recap video of the Orton saga against the McMahon family.

WWE Championship Last Man Standing Match: Randy Orton © vs. HHH
Ya know, if I’m Orton, I attack HHH while he’s at the top of the ramp during his stare out into the crowd. He’s so focused on getting his mind set and doing the entrance he’s been doing for over a decade. You could beat the SHIT out of him with a chair and win the Last Man Standing match without one blow to yourself. But then that’s just me, and I’m here sitting on my ass writing a non-stop review.

A quick aside while Orton is walking to the ring: I think they’ve written this show really well, so far, as this hour went by very quickly and I never once realized we only got two short matches as of now. That’s the mark of an entertaining show.

Anyways, back to the match. Seeing as this was supposed to be a PPV Main Event, I’d like to think they’ve got a pretty epic match in store for us. I’m an optimist, mind you. Orton tries to start out quick, but HHH cuts him off. Orton’s spaghetti legs sell of the punches is really good. He slams Orton’s head down on the announce table on the outside, and follows up inside with a Spine Buster. HHH is out for the quick win and goes for the Pedigree, but that’s blocked and he gets whipped into and over the corner to the outside. He seems to be favoring his left knee from the fall. It doesn’t phase him much, yet, as he drops Orton does chest first onto the barrier. It gets a 4 count, only because HHH can’t hold himself back and starts attacking Orton in the crowd. It backfires, as Orton whips HHH over the barrier back to ringside. Chopblock to HHH’s knee. HHH beats the count but he gets sent knee first into the steel steps. Orton then LEVELS HHH in the head with the steel steps! Orton has a great game plan, so far, though he is still clutching his ribs. HHH beats the count. Back inside, more working over the knee. Orton goes to get a chair, but HHH kicks it right into his face to buy himself some time. Not enough, however, as Orton picks the chair back up and CRACKS it over HHH’s head! They’re doing a good job of taking spots that most would think are the comeback spots, but just extending the heat, building up the anticipation of the real comeback by HHH. He’s up by 7, but Orton is right on top of him with punches. He starts clearing off an announce table, going for an RKO, but HHH low blows him! Pedigree through the table! BUT IT’S BLOCKED! Orton hit’s the RKO onto (not through. Those announce tables never break at the right time for HHH) the table! Orton gets a LONG 9 count, but HHH just slides off the table to beat the count. Really smart. Back Body Drop onto the announce table to Orton this time! The count now is for both men. They both make the count at 9. TV monitor to the skull of Orton! HHH is having a difficult time staying on his feet, right now.

The brawl goes up the entrance ramp, with HHH staying on the offensive. SPINEBUSTER on the entrance ramp! Orton takes a lot of punishment with that one, but HHH’s knee also took some brunt off of that, as well. Orton is up after a long 9 count. HHH goes for the Pedigree on the ramp! NO! Back Body Drop by Orton! HHH stays down for a long 9 count, but this time uses the ramp to his advantage and slides off of it onto the floor to beat the 9 count. Those kind of little things really put Orton over as a killer and HHH over as a smart guy, as that’s twice HHH got saved by using his brains over his brawns when he should have lost. Orton goes for the RKO but gets pushed away, into the crowd! The ref starts his count again. They also put over the other by getting to their feet to beat the count, but immediately crumbling as if it’s taking everything they have to beat the count. HHH gets a LADDER out, only for Orton to duck! HHH takes out two tech guys in a spot akin to HBK Super Kicking the ring bell guy at Wrestlemania 12 vs. Bret Hart in that Ironman match. Orton has the ladder, now, tossing it onto the stage. Ladder shot to HHH’s injured knee! He puts HHH’s knee inside the ladder and starts stomping on it, like Rock did to HHH at SummerSlam ‘98. Orton isn’t done with the match, however, and tells the ref to stop the count at 9! That would’ve been it. Orton sets the ladder up and goes for an RKO off the ladder… sort of. I mean Orton just took a few steps up. If anything, that would’ve hurt Orton more than if he’d just started on the ground. HHH blocks it though and tosses the ladder into Orton’s face! PEDIGREE ON THE STEEL RAMP! The ref starts his count… HHH is fighting to his feet… he’s using the ladder to help himself up… one foot… but he falls to the ground! The ref gets to 10! But both men are down!
Winner: Double CO; Randy Orton retains the WWE Championship, ***½. It was a slower match, but that’s alright with me. Most will take points off for the cop-out finish, but it works, and if you expected a decisive finish, you’re obviously not much a fan or followed of WWE. This was still a good brawl with a good story, and HHH’s fight to beat the count and JUST coming up short was a good Rocky-type moment.

Backstage Miz tries to get with Maryse. I’ve gotta piss badly, so you get no details.

And I’m back, what’d I miss?

Trump is out again. No more GM’s for Raw. Instead, we get celebrity hosts every single week. The fact that he mentioned “WWE Champions” being a possibility makes me laugh. Apparently we’re going to be getting a lot of freebies from Donald Trump. I’m a smidge worried at that one. The biggest thing, though, is what we’ll be getting for Wrestlemania 26. Ya know, I’m sure he’ll do something to piss me off, and he’s doing pretty much everything that could be considered sucking up and pandering to an audience, but he is really endearing himself as a new face looking out for the fans.

Vince is out, and Trump’s job as a face has made it even easier for Vince to be a heel. He says if Trump doesn’t stop this commercial free stuff, and giving audiences refunds, he’ll be broke in 6 months. Trump says the amount he’s losing for this is peanuts. HEY! This was all a plan to bankrupt Vince! I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t see it coming. Vince sees that now and wants to buy Raw back, but Trump ain’t havin’ that shit. If this had happened closer to Wrestlemania 23, it would be a lot bigger deal. As it is, it’s a pretty solid story, swerve and payoff to this whole shebang. Vince is irate, and offers to buy Raw back from Trump for DOUBLE the money it cost Trump to buy it. And Trump accepts! The crowd is still chanting “Donald Trump!” though, which makes my head spin in ways I never thought it could. Does this mean the crowd no longer gets it’s refund?

Backstage, Vince kicks Priceless out of the arena. His first order of business? A 3 Stages of Hell match between Randy Orton and HHH at the PPV! I don’t like Stretcher Matches, but this one actually makes sense, as Orton has injured the McMahon’s and HHH to the point of having to get stretchered out in the recent past. The match quality might not be top notch, but I can’t fault the reasoning.

6-Diva Tag Match: Mickie James and the Bella Twins vs. DIVAS Champion Maryse ©, Beth Phoenix and Rosa Mendes.
Call me misogynistic. Call me lazy. Either way, I have no desire to review this match, so I’m not going to. King makes me smile with his “Russian hands and Roman fingers” line. If you’re gonna be creepy and gross, at least be funny about it. I’m way more interested with King and Cole and their random comments more towards each other than towards the match. I liked the finish, though, with the double team dropkick from the Bella Twins, and the SICK Superkick by Mickie to Rosa. Really King? The best Superkick you’ve ever seen? Really?
Winners: Mickie James and the Bella Twins.

A tangent, but who doesn’t love that new commercial for Dos Equis? “People hang on his every word… even the prepositions.” “He can speak Russian… in French”. So great.

King and Cole hype the Backlash card:
3 Stages of Hell WWE Title Match: Randy Orton © vs. HHH
World Heavyweight Title Match: CM Punk © vs. Jeff Hardy
Mask vs. IC Title, IC Title Match: Chris Jericho © vs. Rey Mysterio Jr. (m)
John Cena vs. The Miz
Unified Tag Team Title Match: The Colons (Primo and Carlito) vs. The Priceless Legacy (Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase Jr.)

Big Show vs. John Cena
Cena starts out hot, Shoulder Tackling Big Show to the outside, but Show tosses him chest first onto the barrier. Cena tries to get some momentum but Big Show DRILLS him with a Spear! Big time Suplex gets 2 for Big Show. If this match seems light on content, it’s because I don’t want to type out “Big Show punches” or “John Cena punches”. Show nails an Alley-Oop, something I don’t think he’s done in a long time. I missed him doing that one. Cena went for another Shoulder Tackle to get his momentum back but Show shrugs it off like nothing. There’s not much of a story to speak of for the match, as it’s just the same ‘ole same ‘ole with Show targeting the ribs and Cena getting multiple comeback spots before it finally pays off. I loved when Cena went for the STF, and elbowed show in the shoulder blade to make him look up just a second, giving him the opportunity to slap on the STF. Finish comes when Miz runs down to ringside, while Cena has Show up for the Attitude Adjustment, and shoves Cena over, causing Show to fall on top of him for the pin fall.
Winner: Big Show, *½. Another bleh match in a series of them between these two. At least it put more heat on the Miz/Cena match for the PPV.

Backstage, Orton is walking to his car and gets ambushed by HHH. End show.

This wasn’t nearly as tough to recap as I thought it would be. I liked this show a lot up until the last half hour with the Divas and Show/Cena matches. HHH/Orton would’ve been a much better Main Event. Both matches had underwhelming finishes where the face didn’t get their revenge, so it’s not like it was due to not wanting to end the show on a low note. Either way, the first hour and a half was quality TV. It just had the misfortune of sputtering to a disappointing finish, rather than building up to a crescendo for the end. See you guys next week, and take it easy.

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6-15-09 WWE Raw Report

Hello all. I’m Matt Winton, subbing in for Zane Thornsberry for the Raw Report. This is the 3-hour edition, so let’s hope they go all out. There are 3 World Title Matches on tap tonight. Let’s get to it!

-We start the show with a recap of last week. The assault on Batista. HHH coming back and whooping ass on Orton. That was just a great segment, I don’t really care if the rest of the show was iffy.

-WOW, I know this is random, but Tommy Dreamer looks pretty homosexual in his picture with the belt. I get that he’s supposed to be excited and happy and unable to contain his joy, but that… was probably not the best way to convey it.

-We start out with Chris Jericho running down Raw since he left. Jericho says that one day, Rey will realize his mask is his downfall and that Jericho will be the only one to set him free.

Intercontinental Title Match- Chris Jericho © vs. Rey Mysterio Jr.

Rey starts out hot, tackling Jericho down and hitting some punches. Comes out of the corner with a Headscissors and Clotheslines Jericho out of the ring. Jericho tries to get back in but gets kicked, and Mysterio hit’s a leg drop to Jericho! No cover, and Rey charges at Jericho but hits his shoulder on the ring post. Jericho sets up for his Springboard Dropkick to Rey on the apron, but Rey dropkicks Jericho! Rey gets back up to his feet jumps off at Jericho… but gets caught in a Powerbomb Position and gets dropped back face first into the announce table! That was a really rad sequence of spots. I also love that little timer in the corner. It really adds an aura of importance over the WWE Championship Match. COMMERCIAL!

We come back and Rey fights out of a Chicken Wing. Enziguri! Sets Jericho up for the 6-1-9! NO! Jericho gets a really, really slick counter and starts another beat down on Rey, trying to peel the mask off. Again Rey fights out, but Jericho goes for a Sunset Flip. No! Rey rolls through to his feet and hit’s a Dropkick! Headscissors by Rey! Springboard Butt Splash for 2! Bulldog by Jericho! NO! Rey pushes Jericho ribs first into the turnbuckles! Dropkick sends Jericho to the outside! TOPE THROUGH THE ROPES IN THE CORNER! I always loved that dive especially. It really gives off the impression that the wrestler doesn’t care about his body, he just wants to hurt his opponent. SUNSET FLIP POWERBOMB! ONE! TWO! THR- NO! Damn. ROLL UP BY JERICHO! ONE! TWO! THR- also no! WALLS OF JERICHO! NO! He gets set up for the 6-1-9! NO! He dropkicks Mystero’s knee out! Now MYSTERIO is set up for the 6-1-9! NO! HE HITS A SPRINGBOARD MOONSAULT! COVER! ONE! TWO! THRE- NO! Rey hit’s the 6-1-9! Springboard Hurricanrana! NO! Jericho catches him and twists his mask! Rey can’t see! CODEBREAKER! ONE! TWO! THREE! Jeicho retains!

Winner and STILL Intercontinental Champion: Chris Jericho, ***¾. Some might think I’m overrating the match, but here I am, not caring. This was really good stuff, with lots of innovative spots and sequences that just played off what most would’ve expected these two men to do. And that Asai Moonsault was a hell of a near fall. Great opener. I really, really liked this match.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back and it’s an interview with Randy Orton. Orton says this is how HHH always come back, all fired up. But he knows he can’t beat Orton one on one, fair fight. JOHN CENA is here. Grand Wizard of the Baby Oil Boys Club. That should really stick. That was amazing.

Recap of Vicki Guerrerro quitting last week. It’s sad to me, because she’s a really good heel.

Interview with Vince McMahon! There will be a new GM tonight, says Vince… or not. He says he has SOLD Monday Night Raw! And we’ll find out who it is… after the WWE Title Match. Well alright then. At least they didn’t make us wait another week. That would’ve just been annoying.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back, replay of Vince selling Raw. Now, though, it’s the ECW Championship Match!

ECW Championship Match: Tommy Dreamer © vs. Christian

Matt Striker says that after 20 years, Dreamer finally gets to wear the ECW Championship. Um, yeah, he’s been champ before. Match starts out with Christian hitting a quick Spinning Heel Kick for 1. Kick to the face is blocked by Dreamer into a Neckbreaker. Flying European Uppercut by Christian for 2! He tosses Dreamer to the outside and sets himself… Springboard over the top rope to Dreamer outside! Good dive, I haven’t really ever seen someone else use it. Tornado DDT by Christian gets blocked and Dreamer tosses him hard onto his front. Flap Jack for 2. Dreamer DDT! No! Christian backs him into the corner and charges but gets caught with a Lariat for 2! Christian his kick to the face! Sunset Flip starts a small series of near falls. Christian goes up top… but misses! Killswitch! NO! Roll up by Dreamer! ONE! TWO! THREE!

Winner and STILL ECW Champion: Tommy Dreamer, *¼. The match certainly wasn’t bad. The crowd just wasn’t much into it and they seemed to be moving slow the whole time.

COMMERCIAL!

Divas discuss such possible GM choices like… Oprah… and Paris Hilton… and the President. I’m all for titties, but what exactly was the point of that?

Next up, they show photos from Batista’s surgery. Cole is pretty unintentionally funny, stating that the pictures were graphic and not for everyone AS the pictures start coming up on the screen. Way to give a warning, champ.

WWE Championship Match: John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. HHH vs. Big Show

Orton/HHH and Cena/Show pair off. I’ll try for as much PBP as possible but I’m pretty damn tired as it is. HHH clotheslines Orton over the guardrail, and Show clothesline Cena over. Standoff for HHH-Big Show as we go to COMMERCIAL!

We’re back with the heels dominating. Big time Knee Drop by Orton to HHH. Orton misses a second one, however, as Show charges in on Cena but meets a boot! Knee Lift by HHH! Show gets sent ot the outside. Now it’s a HHH-Cena standoff. The crowd is pumped. Two Shoulder Tackles and a Blue Thunder Powerbomb by Cena! Five Knuckle Shuffle! NO! Spinebuster! PEDIGREE! NO! ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT! NO! Show comes in and gets that off. Suplex to Cena while Orton tosses HHH into the steps. BODYSLAM TO SHOW! NO! He falls on top of Cena! ONE! TWO! TH- Orton comes in and breaks it up! Now another standoff, with Show and Orton. Double Suplex to Big Show by HHH and Cena! PUNT TO BIG SHOW! No! He grabs Orton’s foot and clotheslines him down! Show is now just running wild on all three of the other wrestlers. VADER SPLASH TO CENA! ONE! TWO! THR- Orton with the breaker up again! Show tosses him to the outside! SPEAR FROM SHOW TO HHH! ONE! TWO! THR- NO! Another Vader Splash! But HHH moves! Orton sets up… RKO! Show pushes him away! PEDIGREE TO BIG SHOW! ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT TO HHH! CENA COVERS SHOW! ONE! TWO! THRE- NO! Really, really great near fall there. Cena has Show up and hits HIM with the Attitude Adjustment! COVER! ONE! TWO! THRE- Orton breaks it up! RKO TO THE BIG SHOW! ONE! TWO! THREE!

Winner and NEW WWE Champion: Randy Orton, ***¼. That was a pretty good match and had some very hot near falls. I definitely liked this match.

COMMERCIAL!

On the replay of Orton hitting the RKO on Show, I noticed him just spitting at Big Show. That is a really, really cool and subtle heel action. I love it.

McMahon is out, to announce who he sold Raw to. I’d be shocked if it isn’t Flair, but hey, I guess I’ll be shocked. It’s Donald J. Trump. I’m sure a lot of people will hate this, and probably rightfully so. But it’s not so offensive to me. Go figure. Trump says next week, Raw will be aired live, commercial free. Well, just about every Raw Recapper on the net just groaned, unless they’ve got TiVO/DVR/ whatever else. He announces a Battle Royale for #1 Contendership for Orton’s WWE Title at The Bash.

COMMERCIAL!

Mickie James vs. Rosa Mendes

Clubs to the back by Rosa, but Mickie fires back. She goes up top, but Rosa rolls to the outside to avoid possible harm. Mickie tries to bring her back in but gets her throat pulled into the top rope. Two covers by Rosa. She then back mounts Mickie and… gives a tender loving massage? She front mounts her next, and that has no massage, just fists. She definitely looked good fisting Mickie. She slaps on a Rest Hold to keep sucking the life out of Mickie James. Charge into the corner gets nothing, and James starts building up a come back. Rosa goes for a Neck Breaker but Mickie pushes her off and then catches her with the Leaping DDT! One! Two! Three!

Winner: Mickie James, ½. Whatever. Next.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back and Goldust and Hornswaggle are shooting T-Shirts out into the crowd. They are just such a fun pairing, they help Raw have a few light hearted moments every week to keep things from being 100% serious. Miz is out, now, and good for him. I hate to call him out, but last week Zane tore down Miz’ whole angle concerning Cena and how he’s 7-0 against him. Obviously he’s not, but he’s being a HEEL for crying out loud. And what a heel he is. FUCK, Goldust. You just had to bring up kissing Ahmed. I did like the match they had at Summerslam 96, though.

The Miz apparently should change his name to The Wiz, since that’s what everyone does when he comes out. FREAK BACK! Miz says he could take Goldust out right now, but no one would care. He’s a waste of The Miz’s time. Cheapshot to Goldust! Hornswaggle is all alone. I REALLY wish he would’ve gotten that T-Shirt thrower and blasted Miz. HA! Miz did it to Hornswaggle! I love it. And I love Miz right now. He’s getting himself over almost solely on promos. And I dig that.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back with a recap of the Ladder Match between Edge and Jeff Hardy at Extreme Rules, followed by YOUR Straight Edge Messiah cashing in his Money In The Bank briefcase on Jeff and winning the belt for himself.

Punk reminisces how the first time he cashed it in, nobody questioned how he felt about taking advantage of Edge being hurt. Now, he did the same thing to Jeff, and people care way more now just because it’s Hardy. But he felt zero regret before, and feels zero regret now. Matt Hardy comes in and congratulates Punk and that he would‘ve done the same thing, but Punk says he knows Matt wouldn’t. Couldn’t. Because Matt’s never won a Money In The Bank Ladder Match, and he sure hasn’t been a World Champion, let alone a two time World Champion.

Recap of last week and Edge divorcing Vicki Guerrerro. I still hold that was just sad, even though the heel totally got the short end of the stick.

WWE World Heavyweight Championship: CM Punk © vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Edge

Match starts with Hardy going right after Punk, as you’d expect. Quick roll up gets 2 for all three of them. Punk with a clothesline, sending Edge to the outside. TOPE TO EDGE! Punk goes to bring him back in, but Hardy hit’s a dive of his own onto both of his opponents! Dropkick to the back of the head to Punk gets Hardy a 2 count. Clotheslines stops Hardy’s momentum and Punk gets a 2 count. Body Slam and a snap Elbow Drop gets 2. Punk slaps on a Chinlock to keep the pace slower than Hardy wants/needs. Edge finally comes back in and nails two Big Boots to both Punk and Hardy! DOOMSDAY DEVICE TO HARDY! NO! He drops down into a Victory Roll on Edge for a 2 count as Punk goes flying to the canvas from the top rope! COMMERCIAL!

Standing Shining Wizards to both Hardy and Edge, followed by a Bulldog/Clothesline combo. Punk with the Go 2 Sleep! No! Edge Chop Blocks him and cinches in the Sharpshooter! But Hardy comes up behind him and puts Edge in a Sleeper! Edge lets go of the Sharpshooter and is almost pinned. Hardy helps Punk nail a Sunset Flip, but realized that Punk can win and breaks the cover up. Jaw Breaker by Punk! NO! He simply lifts a knee into Hardy’s face. That was a great counter. Hardy goes to the Swanton but Edge pushes him crotch first into the ropes! Edge waits for Punk to get up… SPEAR! NO! Punk reverses it with a Snap Power Slam for TWO! TWIST OF FATE! NO! GO 2 SLEEP! NO! Edge charges with a Spear but Punk leap frogs it and Hardy gets DRILLED with the Spear! Punk goes up top but gets tossed off and lands TERRIBLY on the ring steps, fucking his knee up. Back in the ring, Hardy and Edge hit double Cross Bodies for the double down. Punk’s left leg is being checked on the outside. WHISPER IN THE WIND TO EDGE! ONE! TWO! THRE- NO! Punk breaks it up! Hardy goes back up top…SWANTON TO EDGE! ONE! TWO THREE- NO! PUNK DRAGS HARDY OUT AGAIN! He tosses Hardy into the Steel Steps and gets back into the ring to cover Edge! ONE! TWO! THREE! Punk retains!

Winner and STILL World Heavyweight Champion: CM Punk, ***½. This told a pretty good story with Punk never out and out cheating, but he did anything he could to win. The camera work on the second Swanton and Punk pulling him out was great, you never saw Punk until he pulled Hardy out.

T-Long is out to say that Punk’s opponent at The Bash is going to be Jeff Hardy! That should definitely be good. I love how Punk never cheats, he just does what’s best for him. If the fans consider it heel ish, whatever. So be it. As long as he’s winning.

COMMERCIAL!

Non-Title Match: Tyson Kidd and David Hart Smith (The Hart Dynasty) vs. The Colons ©

Using Bret Hart’s intro to their theme is a pretty genius heel move. Smith overpowers Primo early, only to get matched by Primo’s speed. They botch a Rana, but Smith at least covers a little bit by taking a quick face bump. Kidd wraps Primo up in the ropes, and Smith hit’s a Back Breaker. He goes up top, but miss a Leg Drop, leading to Carlito getting the hot tag. Dropkick takes Smith down. Springboard Back Elbow for 2! Primo takes out Kidd as Smith goes for the Running Powerslam. Carlito reverses out and hit’s the Back Stabber! LEGACY run in though to attack and the match is thrown out.

Winners by DQ: The Colons ©, ¼*. Short and not interesting. So long as it’s short, I guess.

COMMERCIAL!

We’re back, and it’s some highlights of the European Tour last week.

Recap of McMahon/Trump from earlier tonight. Personally, I’d like to see Vince explain that he used this to get Trump to come on the show, just so Vince could get payback for getting his head shaved at Mania 23. But that’s just way too long ago, so I doubt they’d even think of using that as a possibility.

HA! Testicales. Awesome. McMahon gets a call from Trump and Santino yelling and waving at the phone is priceless. The crowd wasn’t popping for anything Santino did but I was laughed pretty hard.

Ten-Man Battle Royale for #1 Contendership to WWE Championship: Cody Rhodes vs. Ted DiBiase Jr. vs. MVP vs. Matt Hardy vs. William Regal vs. US Champion Kofi Kingston © vs. The Miz vs. The Big Show vs. HHH vs. John Cena

Anyone who can tell me what that weird pose during Miz’ entrance is supposed to be gets 5 Schrute Bucks and 1,000 Stanley Nickels. I’m not gonna do PBP for everyone brawling. Just imagine it in your head. You’ll be fine. Orton does walk out though to scout his competition, which I always dig. Gives more importance to what would normally be just another Battle Royale. Big Show is, as I’m sure you guessed, dominating. Big Show eliminated Hardy!

MVP charges Show! HE gets tossed to the outside and he’s eliminated as well. We’re down to 8!

All six men team up to eliminate The Big Show! He’s gone! Were down to 6! (Yes, I know that I skipped from 8 to 6, but I didn’t see Miz eliminated until it did a wide shot and only showed six guys in there. Unless Cena wins, it would’ve been smart of them to have Miz toss Cena out to add onto their simmering rivalry.) COMMERCIAL!

We’re back and Rhodes almost gets eliminated. ANOTHER standoff for Cena and HHH. If they hadn’t touched in the 4-Way match, that would’ve meant a lot more. Kofi hops up to the top rope, and even though he doesn’t get eliminated from that, he’s a damn moron. LEGACY eliminate Kofi! DANCING~!

Priceless eliminate William Regal! We’re down to 4 guys. Rhodes, DiBiase, Cena and HHH.

Once again Rhodes and DiBiase do good heel double teams that are all impact and no flash to get pops. DAMN that was a big Back Body Drop! DIBIASE ELIMINATED!

RHODES ELIMINATED!

NO! Rhodes skins the cat and comes back in! BUT HHH JUST ELIMINATES HIM ANWAYS! We’re down to Cena vs. HHH!

Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment! NO! HHH with a Pedigree! IT HITS! But Legacy are back into the ring and assault both men. MIZ! MIZ WAS UNDER THE RING! I guess I retract my prior statement. PLEASE ELIMINATE CENA! PLEASE! Damnit hell fuck shit Miz gets eliminated.

HHH eliminates Cena!

Winner and #1 Contender: HHH, **. All on crowd reaction, really, as they were more into it than I was.

Trump comes up on the Titantron to announce Randy Orton vs. HHH next week for the WWE Championship on the line in a Last Man Standing Match! That should be good. Hopefully as good as their last one from ‘07.

Final Analysis: Big step up from last week’s show. While not always at it’s best, it felt important, and there was a lot going on. There were only a few time wasting things (Like the Divas backstage doing absolutely nothing) and for the most part, they took the 3 hours they got and made it worth it. Thumbs up from me this week, for sure.

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Hello everybody, welcome back to “In the Raw”. Going into this week I was optimistic, you might even say joyful. You see, I was under the assumption that after last week’s horrid episode, that it couldn’t get any worse and truly was going to be better this week. Why did I think this you ask? Because, I’m an optimist and a moron. That my friend is what we call a “deadly combination” (like a hot chick who is really smart). So let’s get to this episode of TV. 

Batista Promo

Batistia is out in the ring cutting a promo saying he did all of this for the fans and for Ric Flair. He did it for those of us who are sick and tired of the antics of “The Viper” Randy Orton (why didn’t that nickname stick?), this of course is when Orton comes out. Once in the ring Orton stares a hole through Batista’s head (figuratively but you have to admit that’d be pretty sweet), and that is when Rhodes and DiBiase come on out and they ambush Batista. What ensues is pretty cool because the WWE is allowing these three men to get heat! No way quicker to get heat than to take out the top babyface. Of course this was all done to cover up Batista’s very really tendon tear in his bicep. They finally stretcher Batista out, and moments after “having his armed snapped” (King’s words not mine), he seems very very calm and like he is no pain at all. As he’s being put into the ambulance he keeps saying that he wants his title. Let me tell you something, I’ve broken both of my elbows in my life and for the hour after the incident happened all I could think about was “Oh my god, oh my god, this hurts like hell!!!”. Not once did my mind wander, and Big Dave’s shouldn’t after he GOT HIS ARMED SNAPPED!!!! Welcome to Bad Booking 101 today’s subject: under-selling!

Kofi Kingston VS William Regal

Regal says that during this trying times, we don’t need a Jamaican as our United States Champion. We need someone with class, and he can be our savior (not to be confused with Enrique Ingleses who can be our hero baby). Something occurred to me during his promo, what if Regal wins and then throws the United States Championship to the ground saying he doesn’t wish to hold the piece of garbage, then the following week brings back the European Championship? Not only would this get him over as an arrogant prick, but it’d also bring back a title more prestigious (to me anyways) than the US Championship. Anyways, Kofi wins the match and retains his championship with the Trouble In Paradise.

Legacy promo

Orton informs everyone that tonight he’s invoking his rematch clause, and that Batista has until the count of ten to make it to the ring or Randy Orton is champion. This perplexed me due to WWE having the rule that belts cannot change hands under count out. What is this TNA? Anyways, Josh Matthews (who is conducting the interview) doesn’t believe Orton, and Orton tells him to go ask Vickie. Honestly, that part of the promo truly felt like a little child talking to his sibling.

Maryse VS Kelly Kelly

Mickie James was the special guest commentator for this match (which is always nice seeing her), and it was mentioned if Mickie were to win the Diva’s Championship, she’d be the first woman to hold both the Women’s Championship, and the Diva’s Championship. Marsye ended up defeating Kelly Kelly. They plugged how next week’s Raw is 3 hours long and all 3 titles will be defended. This is bad news for me, because 2 hours of Raw booking drives me insane, so three hours will have me turning into Michael Myers (the killer not the comedian who was once funny).

Lawler and Cole (VINTAGE!) make some swine flu jokes and show highlights from Vickie VS Santina. Actually, it seemed like they showed the entire thing to me, which is sad because that sucked just about as much as that Jackie Gayda match. This segment proved that WWE is out of touch with what’s funny these days, as swine flu jokes stopped being funny about a week after it all started.

Vickie Interview

Vickie says that indeed Batista will “defend” his championship against Orton tonight, and that she also has a huge announcement that will “change Raw forever”. They’re firing the writing staff?!

Jamie Noble, Brian Kendrick, and Chavo Gurrero VS Santino Marella, Goldust, and Festus

A few interesting things in this match, one of them being that apparently this Festus character (who I was unfamiliar with but apparently had been with WWE for quite sometime) seems to have stolen a bit of Delirious’ shtick. When the bell rings, both men go crazy. I’m calling gimmick infringement. The other interesting thing was the heel team, my god they could do wonders together. The thought of these three being a normal team sounds very good to me. Hell, the thought of Kendrick and Noble being a solid tag team sounds very very good to me. Santino beats Jamie Noble with a rollup.

John Cena VS The Miz

The match never got started due to Big Show coming on down and putting the hurt on Cena. Big Show puts Cena in the Camel Clutch, then Miz nails Big Show with multiple chair shots before turning his attention to an out cold Cena. Something I don’t like about this “feud” is The Miz claiming he’s undefeated against Cena. Of course you’re undefeated, you’ve never truly faced one another. I’m 100-0 in matches against Terry Funk so shut it Miz.

MVP VS Matt Hardy

You know, out of all the terrible things in WWE right now, this is something I can get behind. The United States Championship is being built up week in and week out with young guys vying for it. It’s simple and straight to the point. No need for convoluted storylines of why Wrestler A is facing Wrestler B, just good old fashioned wrestling. Now if they could only give the matches more than five minutes, I’d be happy as hell. MVP wins via pinfall after the Playmaker.

Vickie Gurrero promo

Vickie comes out and announces that she’s stepping down as Raw General Manager, which is a mixed bag for me. On one hand, I hate her; on the other she is the biggest constant source of heat in the company. Edge comes out and makes fun of Vickie, which provides more evidence of my theory that they’re going to turn Edge face very soon.

John Cena promo

Cena cuts his usual promo, but with one minor change: he’s not selling a damn thing that just took place. Instead he’s standing there with sweat, not even a tad bit of pain on his face after being assaulted by a steel chair. Maybe he IS Superman after all.

Ted DiBiase JR and Cody Rhodes VS Carlito and Primo Colon

Nice little tag team contest in this. DiBiase and Rhodes win it when DiBiase pins Primo. Apparently, now next week DiBiase and Rhodes get a shot at the Unified Tag Team Championship. If they win, or even have a long feud with Carlito and Primo, then that’d be another good thing WWE does.

Randy Orton VS Batista

Orton comes down to the ring and is flanked by DiBiase and Rhodes. After the introductions for both men, the ref signals for the bell and begins to count. They show backstage that the ambulance is back, and this prompts the ref to stop counting at 9, which pissed me off. Just because he MIGHT be there doesn’t mean you stop counting. The rules stated that he must be IN THE RING by the count of ten, not outside in a gods damned ambulance. The camera then cuts back and forth from the ring to the ambulance several times, finally revealing that it’s Triple H and not Batista. Oh joy. Triple H comes to the ring, but Rhodes and DiBiase run up the ramp in an attempt to stop him. Silly tag team, he’s on the booking team he can’t be stopped by you guys! HHH quickly lays out both men, and then focuses his attention on Orton. Before getting in the ring, Trips drops his trusty sledgehammer to the ground, which made me hopeful that he’d decide to turn heel in that very moment. Sadly, he rushes the ring and then kills all heat that Orton worked so very hard to gain earlier in the night. The show then ends when Triple H gives Orton the Pedigree onto a steel chair. Once the WWE logo flashed, I lost it. In no way whatsoever does that solve their problem of their Champion being on the injured list. Why the f*** would you book the stipulation that Batista had to make it to the ring by ten, only to throw the match out? A better way would have been at the top of the show once Legacy destroyed Batista, have Orton invoke his rematch clause then and there and pin Batista to regain his championship. Instead, we’ve got a hurt champion, a heel with 0% heat, and the boss’s daughter’s husband as the top face once more. Sometimes I wish I had decided to cover TNA instead.

Well, that’s all for this week folks. I hope you enjoyed Raw more than I did, and I’ll see you back here next week for the three-hour edition. Until then, good night and good luck.

 

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