Pro Wrestling Ponderings

Hello friends, it’s time for another WWE Pay-Per-View. Whoever scheduled this show on the same day as the first day of the NFL season should be shot.

-Opening melodramatic video package. Apparently, this concept is innovative. I thought it was gimmickly, but I guess that shows what I know.

-Live from Montreal, Bizarroland (Site of a rather famous event if I recall… that being Ring of Honor’s “The Hunt is On,” featuring some of the quietest fans ever)

-Your hosts are the only six people who chose to watch Breaking Point over opening night of the NFL season.

-Unified Tag Team Championships: The Big Show and Chris Jericho (champions) vs. Mark Henry and MVP

Let’s just get out of this way. MVP has no sleeves, and he starts with Chris Jericho. Announcers bring up Jericho denouncing Canada to remind everyone of WWE’s hatred of this country. Hiposs leads to a quick cover. Henry gets a shot in, and Jericho isn’t looking so good until a fist to the face changes things. Doesn’t last as MVP gets a neckbreaker. Tag to the big man. Jericho bolts for the corner and Show is tagged in. Oh God. Show and Henry have the slowest sequence this side of Kane and Khali. We’ll go to the other side of the match later. As Henry is about to slam Show, Jericho runs in and prevents the enormous slam. Henry is your dark-chocolate-in-peril. Double clothesline spot leads to Henry getting the hot tag to MVP. Jericho is also in. Throw, elbow, and a big lariat. Now it’s time to go ballin’. Long two count. MVP counters out of the “Walls of Jericho.” Spear by Show after a blind tag. MVP is now your ex-con-in-peril. What a dreadfully boring opener. MVP hits a DDT and makes a hot tag of his own to Henry. Jericho is stuck in the ring with the rather portly Henry. Press slam and a big splash. Show interrupts. MVP gets tossed out of the ring. Show does as well. Henry with a clothesline but as the referee is about to count to three, Jericho gets his foot on the ropes. Henry throws Jericho to counter the codebreaker. Show hits the power of the punch. Jericho gets three. I yawn.

Winner/Time/Rating: STILL Unified Tag Team Champions- Chris Jericho and The Big Show/13:12/*

-I think it’s time for this little experiment to end. Jericho has now been involved in two dreadfully boring matches on the last two Pay-Per-Views after having one of the best feuds of 2009 with Rey Mysterio. If it were to keep D-X out of the world title picture, I say let them have the tag belts. That way they can be on both shows, but don’t necessarily have to be in the main event all the time. I really just want Jericho to start having show-stealing matches again.

-Interview with Legacy. Apparently, D-X has never submitted. That’s high comedy right there. Seriously, what other sport or television show could get away with this level of changing history without getting torn apart by their fanbase? It says a lot about WWE fans that there isn’t even that level of awareness. Dibiase throwing the glow stick was awesome.

-United States Championship: Kofi Kingston (champion) vs. The Miz

Miz cuts a promo in French before we officially get started. You want a guy who should be wrestling for the world title in 2010? Kofi should most definitely be that man. He’s over. He has great matches. He appears to be clean. Why not? Can’t be any worse than that guy who wrestled CM Punk in the Summerslam main event. MIz takes the early advantage with a headlock. Miz goes for his finisher early, but Kofi reverses. Miz regains control with lefts, but two crossbodies switch things back. Kofi bounces off the ropes using his head. In the corner and Miz kicks away. Slingshot as the crowd treats this match like they treated Jimmy Jacobs against Tyler Black. Modified chickenwing. Announcers talk about how Miz’ matches with Cena elevated him. In what way? Nice boot to the face. Kofi is quite awesome. Faceplanter. Miz deposited to the outside. Miz grabs Kofi and causes him to land backfirst on the edge of the ring. Miz uses a double axehandle for two. He gets a little penisy and Kofi fires off a couple kicks. Kofi just can’t get anything going. Kofi finally gets a series of kicks. Miz goes for the finisher again, but Kofi counters out and hits… something. Not sure what it was but it looked cool. Backbreaker and a reverse DDT by Miz. Blind charge leads to a double boot. Leaping lariat. Boom drop doesn’t work out so well as Miz lefts his knees. Only a two count. Series of covers now. Russian legsweep and the boom drop. To the top and a crossbody is reversed into a two count for Miz. Roll-up with a handful of tights and Miz is not happy. High knee countered and sends Miz into the ropes. Trouble in Paradise kick. 1-2-3.

Winner/Time/Rating: STILL United States Champion- Kofi Kingston/11:59/***1/4

-I think these two guys were almost trying to have a great match instead of simply having a great match. Overall, the effort was certainly there, and there were enough quality moves and counters to make this a nice little match. I’m a huge proponent of seeing both guys elevated, and this did nothing to convince me otherwise. Here’s hoping both guys find their way into the upper card at some point in 2010.

-Submissions Count Anywhere: D-Generation X (Triple H and Shawn Michaels) vs. Legacy (Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes

Eleven years ago, these guys were cooking sausages. Now they’re tossing glow sticks.  Triple H mentions something while the crowd chants “You Screwed Rhett?” I’m confused. When was Rhett Titus in WWE? And I thought he was a virgin. Very confusing.

I think the problem with this match is that the babyfaces already won the first match, and no one actually believed Legacy has a chance in hell of winning that match or this match. The fact D-X so thoroughly dominates the first few minutes of this match only confirms what the crowd is likely thinking. They go out into the crowd and brawl, pretty dumb move considering Shawn Michaels is in this match and Canadians aren’t exactly in love with him. All we need is a spot in the bathroom and it’s Kevin Sullivan booking. Hunter and HBK go for figure fours in the freaking lobby. That was cool. Dibiase rakes the eyes. “Ole” chants by the crowd. Where’s El Generico? Back towards ringside and Legacy has had minimal offense. Triple H hooks Cody in a sharpshooter while Shawn gets a camel clutch. This all takes place with Cody tangled in a chair. That was also cool. Dibiase saves the day and rams Hunter into the stairs. Back inside with Dibiase working over Hunter untila spinebuster changes the advantage. Crossface but Rhodes saves the match now. Shawn skins the cat and gets a headscissors on Cody. Dibiase counters and Cody then hooks some sort of backbreaker. Hunter saves his buddy.

Hunter tells Dibiase to suck it as Shawn and Rhodes head to the backstage area. Now they go back into the crowd. Shawn chops his opponent as he sits in one of the seats. Shawn is sent flying out of the stands onto a table. Wasn’t that impressive looking. Hunter looks over his fallen comrade, and he hulks up. He goes to work on both members of Legacy. Dibiase gets backdropped on the stage. Rhodes gets Triple H to chase him backstage. FINALLY, Legacy gets the advantage. I bet the crowd loves having to watch one of the main event matches happen on a screen instead of live. Hunter hooks in a crossface, but Dibiase puts an end to that. Rhodes hits Hunter with a chair, and they leave to go back to work on Shawn Michaels. Now Legacy goes to work on Shawn Michaels. Back inside the ring. Michaels vainly tries to come back, but Rhodes hooks an anklelock. This match has NO HEAT. This really does feel like “The Hunt is On.” Michaels hits the superkick on Rhodes as Hunter tries to get back on his feet. Michaels grabs a figure four, a nice callback to Michaels picking up the win with this same move last Monday. Dibiase prevents his partner from tapping. Legacy tries a spike piledriver, but Michaels gets out of it. Rhodes and Michaels battle by a corner post before Rhodes applies a figure four on it. Dibiase hooks the Million Dollar Dream as Triple H tries to make his way to ringside. Michaels finally taps.

Winner/Time/Rating: Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes/21:43/***

I’m ecstatic about Legacy winning, but this match happened in front of the wrong crowd. There was zilch heat for this, and it went way too long. I’m giving it a good rating because the execution of the last ten minutes were excellent, and the drama was there. Too bad the crowd didn’t give a lick. At least Legacy got to actually win a match. Too bad this should have been their second straight victory because we all know what’s happening next month. Whether in Hell in a Cell or not, D-X is putting this feud to sleep.

-Randy Orton interview. He asks Josh Mathews to sit in a very Chris Hanson like way. I fall asleep. God, what a boring interview Orton is.

Kane vs. The Great Khali

I’m not going to make any jokes about the general crappiness of this match due to Khali’s health being so poor. I feel it would be truly unfair to rip a guy in this bad a shape. Needless to say, the match isn’t very good and Kane wins. Somehow, it was even worse then what I saw at Summerslam.

Winner/Time/Rating: Kane/4:53/-**

-I said no jokes, but seriously… We lost Dolph Ziggler against John Morrison for this garbage? This is why no one in the states wants to buy the Pay-Per-Views anymore.

-Eve Torres is now an interviewer again. CM Punk sounds as cocky ever, and he takes a shot at Jeff Hardy. What a great line about the mug shot. Lights go out but it’s just Jimmy Wang Yang. Punk beats him up. Poor Jimmy.

-We see the ECW title match from Summerslam. All eight seconds of it.

-ECW Title: Christian (champion) vs. William Regal (Vladamir Kozlov and Exekiel Jackson)

We really needed a Kozlov interview talking about breaking Christian. Little Rocky IV for everyone out there. Jackson and Kozlov are banned from ringside, meaning Christian gave Tiffany something French. What that is I leave up to the reader. Stryker mentions a major title in 1997 changing hands in Montreal. What is he talking about? Crowd seems into this match which is a change of pace. The match thankfully goes more than eight seconds, and there’s a basic wrestling sequence to start. Christian hits a crossbody, but is pushed off the other corner to the outside. Modified chinlock. Regal stretches Christian out with a modified surfboard, but he eats some elbows to the face. Leap off the second rope into a sunset flip. Regal quickly recovers and hits a knee. Vicious. Regalplex gets two. Submission hold focusing on the neck. Left forearms followed by a European uppercut. Christian comes back with a tornado DDT. Left hand again by Regal that almost gets two. Another beautiful Regalplex gets two. Wow. Christian with a flurry of offense now. A big elbow to the face gets two. Regal hits a rolling senton again only two. Killswitch attempt sends Christian to the ropes throat first. Regal bounces off the ropes, but Christian counters into the killswiitch for the victory.

Winner/Time/Rating: STILL ECW Champion-Christian/11:16/***1/2

-See what happens when you give these two time. You get a fucking great match.

-RAW promo. Batista has announcement. Don’t care. Trish Stratus is coming back. Okay, that I care about. Her presence will literally keep me away from Monday Night Football.

-Pat Patterson comes out… not the first time that’s happened. There doesn’t seem to be a reason for this until Dolph Ziggler comes out… not in the same way I don’t believe… and Morrison makes the save. What an incredibly lame segment with unfunny scripted lines that make Ziggler seem like the biggest geek in the world. Considering how low on time we’re running, this should have been cut immediately.

-“I Quit” WWE Championship: Randy Orton (champion) vs. John Cena

Five letters. Two words. Let’s see how WWE squeaks out of this one without having one of these guys say those magic words. Hot and heavy to start. Cena quickly misses a dive and gets knocked into the RAW announce table. Orton takes one of the monitors and nails Cena with it. Orton hits the DDT from the middle rope. He grabs a chair and places it right in the middle of the ring. Crowd has woken up and is going with duel chants. Orton tries the RKO into the chair again, but Cena hits his usual offense before hitting the five knuckle shuffle. Attitude Adjustment thwarted as Orton rams Cena’s neck on the top rope. Orton preps for the punt. He misses but Cena tries to hook in the STF. Both men end up on the outside and Orton throws Cena into the steps. Cena gets those same steps right in the face. Orton places Cena on the bottom two steps that remain, and he kicks him right in the head. Cena still won’t quit.

I’m actually digging this match because they’re playing off what happened on Monday. They’re actually using storytelling. Orton grabs a bag, but thankfully they aren’t thumb tacks. Instead, Orton has handcuffs. He puts the key around his neck in a mistake every other supervillian I’ve ever seen make. Orton goes to town on the handcuffed Cena. Microphone shot which unfortunately doesn’t make a good noise. Orton handcuffs Cena’s hands together and hangs him from the top rope. Oh boy. This is rapidly becoming that one scene in Pulp Fiction. You know what I’m talking about if you’ve seen it. Orton punches Cena and spills water in his face to make sure his opponent doesn’t pas out. When the referee asks Cena if he wants to quit, he spits water in Orton’s face. Awesome. Now it’s kendo stick time. Some pretty vicious shots, including one to the skull. Cena… will… not… quit. Low blow by the challenger, and Cena is scarred up.

Orton hits Cena with a chair and handcuffs him to the bottom turnbuckle. Another chairshot. Cena says no. Orton misses a second shot and gets backdropped. Cena finally gets the key and unhandcuffs himself. The hands shaking were an excellent touch. And in the bitterest of ironies, Cena handcuffs Orton to himself. Cena beats Orton up outside and inside the ring. Attitude Adjustment is turned into an RKO. Orton has to drag Cena over to get the key. Cena begins struggling and just chokes Orton with the handcuff. Wow. Orton QUITS. He said the words. Holy shit.

Winner/Time/ Rating: NEW WWE Champion-John Cena/19:50/****1/4

-I’m not kidding with that rating folks. This was one of the finest bits of storytelling you’ll ever see in a match. As far as moves, it might not have been spectacular, but it was more than made up for with the camerawork and the facials. Whoever conceived this match deserves a raise because I guarantee you this is one of the best executed matches of 2009. This is easily the best WWE match since Undertaker/Shawn Michaels. Props to both Cena and Orton. And considering how much I hate Orton, that takes a lot for me to say.

-We’re rapidly running out of time, but of course we get another long ass video package. Seriously, why are Punk/Taker main eventing? There’s not a chance in hell of them topping Cena/Orton. And believe me, that is not easy for me to say either.

-World Heavyweight Championship: CM Punk (champion) vs. The Undertaker

Undertaker’s entrance also takes forever. Jesus, what a waste of time. Punk flees to start. Tick. Tick. Tick. I’m still somewhat receovering the last match. Taker and Punk just go back and forth until Taker just throws Punk out of the ring. Impressive. Taker goes to work with right hands. He absolutely dominates this match and Punk gets a minimum amount of offense until Punk finally hits the dead man with chairshots. Big knee shot, but Punk is sent to the corner. Shoulders by Taker and it’s time to go old school. Punk uses a counter and fires elbows and rights. Headbutt but a running kick stops the Taker rally. Superplex by Punk. More back and forth. Taker rams him into both corners, hits the snake eyes, hits the boot, and finally hits the leg drop. Chokeslam countered by a kick. Gogoplex and Punk taps. Oh, fuck you WWE.

BUT WAIT!

Teddy Long comes out and announces that this hold was banned by Vickie Guerrero, and it is still banned. So the match gets restarted. Punk hooks in the Anaconda Vice. It doesn’t appear Taker taps, but for some strange reason the ref call for the bell? Huh? What the hell is going on? Too hard to time this with the bell ringing and the restart.

Winner/Time/Rating: STILL World Heavyweight Champion- CM Punk/N/A/ *1/2

-I need to go to Wikipedia and do some research on this because I’m really confused. I’ll have more on this ending and a couple of other strange comments coming up Thursday in “This Week in Wrestling.” Boy am I confused.

-What I do know is this match didn’t get near enough time, and you’d think WWE would be smart enough to know how to time these Pay-Per-Views after 25 years of doing them. Seriously, look at a clock or stopwatch. It’s not that difficult. I assure you.

Final Thoughts: With the exception of a strange ending, this was a fairly good WWE Pay-Per-View. There was some good and creative booking. In the greatest of all ironies, RAW and ECW actually produced the good matches on this card while Kane/Khali sucked a big one and the world title match was cut short because of incompetence. I’d definitely recommend the DVD for the WWE title match and ECW title match. Also, D-X does the job. When does that ever happen?

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-Video package showing D-Generation X mocking the montage of matches. This is how you open the second biggest Pay-Per-View of the year? Comedy. No buys. Three world title matches and these goofs are in the video package.

-Your hosts are six former Ring of Honor wrestlers that got raided by WWE.

-Intercontinental Championship: Rey Mysterio (champion) vs. Dolph Ziggler

Ziggler starts out hot and heavy before Mysterio kicks and punches his back. Ziggler immediately starts going for covers. Considering he’s going for the belt, that actually makes sense. Nice moonsault by Mysterio. Hurancanrana from the apron to the floor. I’m now wondering where the hell Maria is. Didn’t they make a big deal of her presence? Bucklebomb by Ziggler, thus eliminating that from Tyler Black’s repertoire when he signs with WWE. Ziggler chinlock followed by a side suplex. Mysterio with a drop toehold only gives him the advantage momentarily. Right back to the chinlock, little modified this time. I’m sorry, but did I just turn on a Randy Orton match? Ziggler misses a Stinger Splash and Mysterio hits a seated senton. Sunset flip is reversed into a big kick by Rey Rey. Ziggler gets a good shot on the abomen and almost wins with a roll-up. Rey Rey just won’t die. Story of this match is similar to “Night of Champions,” but it’s slightly better. Kick to the temple by Rey Rey but Ziggler dodges the 619. 619? There goes the 61knee of Brent Albright when he signs with WWE. Right leg drop gets two for Ziggler. Mysterio almost wins on a roll-up of his own. Ziggler’s bodyslam attempt turns into a DDT for a two count. Dropkick into the 619 position. He hits it… but misses the Springboard. Ziggler gets 2.999999998. Stupid Los Angeles crowd chants for Ziggler. God, I hate Los Angeles. Ziggler kicks Rey Rey and goes to the second rope. Hurancanrana from the position ends Dolph’s night, Great opener.

Winner/Time/Rating: STILL Intercontinental Champion- Rey Mysterio/13:26/***1/2

-Ziggler is just getting better and better. You could see so much improvement, even in the last month. Ziggler will hopefully go over and be the champion by the end of the year, but I think it’s a positive to have Rey Rey hold the belt for a bit to establish a longish title reign.

-Josh Mathews interviews both MVP and Jack Swagger. This was somewhat unique. It’s a culture clash, and this was the interview that should have been done on Monday instead of having a lame 30 second match. Interviews six days before a Pay-Per-View work better then crappy matches. MVP’s delivery is probably the strongest it’s ever been for a babyface.

-Jack Swagger vs. MVP

Crowd is deadly silent to start. God, I hate Los Angeles. Side suplex by MVP but Swagger departs. MVP dives to the outside. Swagger throws MVP off the second rope and begins working over the back of MVP. MVP hits an elbow, but this only leads to an abdominal stretch. This match really should have opened the show cause the crowd could not possibly care less about what’s happening in the ring. Clothesline by Swagger gets a two. Camel Clutch. Trying make MVP humble there Swagger? MVP lifts him and slams him right on his back. Swagger misses rights, but MVP hits. Kneedrop. Time to go ballin’. Hooks the leg but doesn’t get two.Playmaker attempt is reversed into a roll-up. Tights held by Swagger but no diceSecond rope Vader bomb gets knees. Big boot by MVP. Playmaker. 1-2-3. If they wanted this feud to go on, this is an awful terrible way to start it. Even so, this match didn’t get near enough time to develop and the dead crowd certainly doesn’t help. Plus, Swagger is the better wrestler, and WWE desperately need new heels on RAW. They need faces too, but they desperately need new people on top as heels. Smackdown has done an excellent job with Punk, but RAW? Bad.

Winner/Time/Rating: MVP/6:24/*1/2

-A look back at the various guest hosts. Sure, let’s watch the various failures again.

-Nancy O’Dell is on camera now. I really really really want to make jokes, but she’s there for a good cause. Her mom unfortunately passed from ALS, and she’s helping to raise money along with WWE. The Los Angeles crowd boos this. Appalling. I hate Los Angeles. She interviews Freddie Prinze Jr. I’m surprised WWE didn’t ask him to remove the Jr.

-Chris Jericho and Big Show come out for their unified tag team title match. We even get a promo from Jericho. He calls all the celebrities hypocrites and parasites. Guess he forgot his thesaurus. He talks about how famous he and Show are. Someone needs to figure out this 40 title thing. Jericho calls himself the best in the world, thus eliminating Bryan Danielson from using that catchphrase when gets signed by WWE… What? He signed? Oh. Big Show is about to talk, but the spiteful sound guy plays Cryme Time’s music.

-Unifed Tag Team Championship Match: Chris Jericho and Big Show (champions) vs. Cryme Tyme (Shad and JTG)

Loud “Y2J” chants showing how over Cryme Tyme truly are. JTG and Jericho start and continue the goodness that started with their Smackdown match a few weeks ago.Walls of Jericho attempt but he turned into a slingshot. JTG then hits a sitdown senton for two. Grisham saying “flava” was a fail. Punch to the face and Show gets tagged in. He just stands on the leg of JTG. Man, did this match get boring in a hurry. Crowd died considerably too. Shad finally gets tagged in, and it’s at least a little bit more even. Shad lifts Jericho in the air and drops him. Show spears him in response. Now Shad is thug-in-peril. Jericho back in and he toys around with Shad. Big boot by Shad but as he’s about to tag, Jericho and Show cut the ring in half. Full nelson now. The hell year is this? 1987. Where’s Hercules? Jericho misses an elbow but prevents a tag with a double axehandle. Chinlock by Jericho. Both rise and Jericho is powerslammed. JTG is finally tagged in. Pace picks back up and a mugshot is hit. Modified facebuster. Big Show interrupts a cover but Shad clotheslines him. Roll-up on Jericho gets two. Jericho comes back and applies Walls of Jericho.JTG gets the ropes but Show punches him in the face. Jericho hooks the leg for three and they retain.

This match was decent when JTG and Jericho were in the ring together. Otherwise, this was nothing special. Show absolutely dragged this match down, and it’s time for this experiment to end. Jericho was having match of the year candidates with Rey Rey two months ago and now he’s wrestling Cryme Tyme at the second biggest Pay-Per-View of the year? No buys. Even seeing him both brands isn’t worth it, cause Big Slow is sure to follow.

Winner/Time/Rating: STILL Unified Tag Team Champions- Chris Jericho and The Big Show/9:45/**1/4

-Breaking Point promo. Well, the idea of the main events ending in submissions should be good for a laugh if nothing else.

-C.M. Punk interview. Greatest words you can possibly hear these days. Punk shows a screenplay about Jeff Hardy. Very creative. He calls himself the only real person and makes fun of the Twilight guy and Kate Gosselin. Fucking awesome.

Kane vs. The Great Khali

Highlight of this match is a sign that says “YOU CAN’T WRESTLE.” Kane wins with the DDT after five hours. That’s all this bullshit gets.

Winner/Time/Rating: Kane/5:57/-*

-They show a bunch of celebrities, including Robert Patrick. I kinda wish this show could get terminated at this point. Okay, that’s not fair since the show hasn’t been that bad. I really just wanted to make the joke.

-Long video package building up The Legacy/D-X match. So glad I fast-forwarded.

-D-X gets a ridiculously over-the-top entrance. I mean, even The Undertaker was telling them to cool it. Also, if you gave me that entrance, I’d get over too.I actually timed their entrance since it was so ridiculous. From the time the music started until the end of their promo, SEVEN MINUTES AND THIRTY-FIVE SECONDS. This does not even include the ridiculously long video package that went about five minutes too. Keep that in mind for later. Dibiase and Rhodes just walk out to the ring, thus looking like total jobbers.

-D-Generation X (Shawn Michaels and Triple H) vs. Legacy (Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes)

I’m dreading this match for a lot of reasons. See the Spirit Squad as Exhibit A. Hunter and Dibiase start things off. Exchange of right hands. Hunter hits a trademark knee, but not before using a crotch chop. Rhodes is tagged in and gets a high knee. Dibiase slaps Shawn. Well, that wasn’t very Christian of him. HBK tags in. He locks in with Rhodes, and Rhodes ends up slapping Michaels. This is off to a fairly good start. Michaels gets a Thesz Press and just punches him. Then a slap. Superkick set-up but Rhodes runs. Hunter send him back. Rhodes leaves. Legacy hangs out on the outside. Michaels goes to work with chops in Dibiase. Dibiase sends him flailing in the corner, then a lariat, thus eliminating Nigel McGuinness from using that move when he signs with WWE. Michaels is now a degenerate in peril. Crowd is chanting… “Suck it?” Neckbreaker by Michaels and a tag to Triple H. Right hands. Hunter gets slingshotted by Dibiase. No sold. Spinebuster on both members of Legacy. Pedigree stopped by Rhodes. All four men in briefly before Rhodes sent out. Hunter backdrops his partner over the top. Dibiase gets a ballshot. Hunter is now degenerate in peril. Rhodes and Dibiase go to work and actually offense in. Frequent tags made. Dibiase shows he’s learning from Orton since he uses the chinlock. Crowd gets back into it. Belly to back suplex by Hunter, but Dibiase gets a tag to Rhodes. Rhodes , who has looked the best he ever has in the ring, continues working on Hunter’s legs. Hunter counters out of it. Dibiase makes sure a tag is not made. Hunter and Dibiase get into a fist battle. After being thrown over the top rope, we’ve got duel tags. Michaels takes Rhodes out like he owns him. Michaels does the kip up, but Dibiase clotheslines him from behind. Hunter goes after Dibiase on the outside of the ring as Rhodes climbs up to the top rope. He tries to steal a flying elbow. Emphasis on try. Michaels goes up, but Rhodes knocks him off the top rope. Both men on the top rope. Michaels knocks him down. Elbow by Michaels is countered by the knees. Rhodes wants a tag but Dibiase is nowhere to ne found. Figure four by Michaels. There’s Dibiase. He ends the figure four. Pedigree attempt. Rhodes stops it. Lawler can’t believe Legacy has all these counters. Considering every major match is readily available on DVD, it’s not that difficult to figure out. Rhodes hits a crossroads (neckbreaker), but Triple H stops it. Pedigree. Dream Streets. Clothesline by Hunter. Now he and Dibiase end up on the outside and brawl over the announce table. Rhodes and Michaels are being counted out inside the ring. There’s the superkick and a three count. They had me for a second there. I thought WWE was about to show some guts and put Legacy over. But of course D-X gets over. Gotta get those merch sales. It really was a good match, but anyone who thinks the right team went over should consider themselves the biggest marks ever. And I mean that in the worst way possible.

Winner/Time/Rating: Shawn Michaels and Triple H/19:59/***1/4

-ECW Championship Match: Christian (champion) vs. William Regal

Josh Mathews apparently borrowed a picnic table table cloth to use as a shirt. Before I can even make the timemark, Christian wins with the killswitch in five seconds. Then Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov immediately beat up Christian followed by Regal hooking in the STF. Fuck you WWE. This was some dumb bullshit. WWE gives 13 minutes to D-X in video packages and entrances, another 20 to a match where the winner is never in doubt, but they can’t give these guys even eight minutes.

Winner/Time/Rating: Christian/:05/N/R

Someone e-mail me the name of the people at the Peace Corps. Some palms need to be greased on behalf of one Bryan Danielson to insure he doesn’t get stuck in garbage like this. I’d rather not see him then see what happened to Regal and Christian happen to Danielson.

WWE Championship Match: Randy Orton (champion) vs. John Cena

Considering who’s involved, it doesn’t look like a four star match is happening. Crowd splits about 50/50 for each guy. Orton controls the early portion of this match but Cena quickly comes back with a flurry. Elbow by Orton. “RKO” chants. Orton works Cena over with his usual exciting i.e. boring offense. I’ve never been a fan of Orton. Ever. And after six years in WWE, I just don’t see it happening. Backbreaker (or Freddie Prinze Jr. killer) before the chinlock. Dueling chants. The hell is this, TNA? Is Russo going to start booking now?

Cena makes things a little more palpable with a modified suplex. He goes for the five knuckle shuffle and actually hits it. He prepares for the Attitude Adjustment, but Orton belly-to-belly suplexes him. He misses a knee drop. Cena dives after Orton but lands on the outside. Kick and the DDT as Cena tries to come back in. Two count. Orton prepares to strike. He pounds the mat a bunch of times because I guess that makes him a better worker. Punt attempt fails. Cena comes back with a legdrop from the second rope. Another two count. As he prepares for the AA once again, Orton holds the ropes and clotheslines him. Exchange of right hands while the crowd does the yay/boo thing. Least this match has heat. Back bodydrop. Orton just pushes the referee for a disqualification. Lillian Garcia fucks up the announcement and calls him the new champion. She says Vince wants the match re-started and if Orton is disqualified again, he loses the belt.

Orton back inside the ring and he gets side suplexed. Cena throws him into the corner and to the outside. Orton rams Cena into the stairs and puts him back in the ring. He insists on covering Cena, and Cena insists on not staying down. Orton goes outside and gets the belt. Count-out. Of course, the match gets started once again by Vince McMahon. If Orton gets counted out again, he will lose the championship.

Cena and Orton try to go for various finishers. Orton then gets a roll-up with his feet on the ropes for a three count. Another referee sprints into the ring. Guess what? Match starts again. Vince Russo really is booking. Why do I make these jokes?

Cena hooks an STF. Orton hangs on. Cena re-positions himself when a “fan” runs in. It’s Brett Dibiase but the announcers don’t acknowledge it so I guess it will come off as real. This is the dumbest match ever. Orton hits an RKO on the ropes, then an RKO in the ring, Finally, it’s over.

I don’t even know what to say. This was one of the dumbest, most poorly booked matches ever. After the disqualification and count-out, this was at least somewhat acceptable. Then they have the whole foot on the ropes pinned and then a “fan” running in. Forget the fact that having a plant run just encourages others to do the same. Unless there’s going to be a payoff, then this was useless. Dumb dumb dumb. Even worse than the match starting over three times was the fact that John Cena looked like the biggest idiot and geek ever.

Endings like these are why people would rather pay 50 bucks for a UFC show rather than 40 bucks for a WWE show.

Winner/Time/Rating: Randy Orton/19:59/DUD

TLC World Heavyweight Championship Match: Jeff Hardy (champion) vs. C.M. Punk

Punk not only needs to win the match, but he’s got to also save the show. Good luck Punker. Pretty basic lock-up. Punk aggressively hits knees, rights, and kicks. Punk introduces a chair and hits him in the stomach. Shot to the back. Punk goes on the inside with the ladder. Hardy stops him, goes for the twist of fate, gets countered, and ends up beating him down in the corner. Punk sent outside now as Hardy sets the ladder up. He heads upstairs, but Punk kicks the ladder out from underneath him. Go 2 Sleep attempt leads to Punk being rammed into the ladder. Hardy charges Punk in the corner, but he gets dropped on to a steel chair. Punk grabs the ladder now and hits Hardy with it. More usage of the ladder. Punk kicks him and deposits him outside. Dive between the top two ropes. Table set up on the outside. Punk has the chair. He puts his neck, but Hardy wants no part of that. Instead we get Punk missing a chairshot and hitting the post. Punk about to get rammed into the stairs, but he climbs them up. Hardy has a chair ready. Hardy moves furniture and throws another chair. Punk is set up on a table as Hardy splashes… and misses badly. Ow. Bet he’s glad he’s taking time off after that bump. Punk carries another ladder into the ring.

Punk climbs up the ladder, but Hardy follows and almost gains possession of the belt. Punk with a Go 2 Sleep attempt on the ladder doesn’t work as Hardy reverses it into a powerbomb. Hardy climbs the ladder gingerly, but Punk pushes him off. Another nasty bump as Punk hits the turnbuckles legs first. Suplex attempt from the top. Another ouch as Hardy is rammed on to the ladder. Punk doesn’t look much better either. Hardy hits a twist of fate, but he hits the knees of Punk. These guys are having a match that no one else has even touched all night. Bulldog… WOW. Hardy tosses Punk on the bulldog attempt right through a table. Oh my. Both guys look the worse for wear. Hardy sets up the gigantic ladder while Punk slowly climbs up the ropes. Springboard clothesline by Punk. Hardy thrown outside again as Punk takes a steel chair. Like a noose around the neck, Hardy almost gets rammed into the stairs. Hardy stops this and hits Punk with a chair of his own three times. Another table set up . Now Hardy is clearing the ring announce table and gives Punk a good monitor shot. Chairshot to the head. Hardy grabs another huge ladder to set up for a dive through the announce table. He takes off his shirt for a cheap pop. Referees hold the ladder at least. Yeah, it’s kind of stupid, but considering what might happen if Hardy falls off the ladder, I’ll take my chances. Hardy jumps and does indeed put Punk through the table. Incredible. Medical folks come out to check on both guys. They try to put Hardy on a stretcher, but he refuses. Punk can’t even climb the ladder. He sees Hardy and limps up the ladder. Both men at the top of the ladder now. Each men gets their hands on the belt. Punk gets one good right hand and it’s over. CM PUNK WINS THE MAIN EVENT OF SUMMERSLAM!!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!! Pardon me while I get a Pepsi to celebrate.

Winner/Time/Rating: C.M. Punk/21:35/****1/4

-We’re not done yet. Punk celebrates over Hardy until… the lights go out. The Undertaker is ready to make his return. Punk doesn’t seem scared. UNTIL UNDERTAKER COMES FROM UNDER THE RING. CHOKESLAM. Sending the crowd happy is all well and good, but you could have just had the bong and brought back ‘Taker on television so Punk could celebrate.

Final Thoughts: Congratulations to Punk and Hardy for saving Summerslam. This was a thumbs down show until the main event. Thanks to their effort, I give this show a thumbs in the middle. I’d recommend going out of your to see that match and the opener. The RAW portion of this show hurt the show a lot, but that should come as no surprise. Orton and Cena may not have technically been a DUD, but the booking did a lot of the work. Just a horrible way to end a world title match for the Wrestlemania of the summer. Christian and Regal could have had a nice three star match if they had ten minutes, but Kane and Khali has to settle their precious feud. In fact, Kofi and Miz could have been on this show as a way of pushing new talent. But that would require the creative team to be… creative.

Thumbs in the middle for Summerslam, but I just don’t know about WWE sometimes.

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-Well, it’s time for another WWE Pay-Per-View. It’s the one night a year when all the championships are on the line. I’m not quite sure why a wrestling company would be proud of the fact that they have EIGHT title belts, but the WWE sure is. This card doesn’t look all that enticing but after Victory Road last week, I can almost guarantee this will be worlds better.

-Live from the same city Dragon Gate USA was taped the night before…

-Your hosts are Scooby-Doo, Fred, Welma, Daphne, Shaggy, and Scrappy

- Unified Tag Team Title Match: Chris Jericho and ???? © vs. Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes

Oooo, this isn’t good. This eliminates Dolph since he has to wrestle later on against Rey Rey. Jericho comes out to a rather large pop and it’s teased that he couldn’t find a partner. Oh God. Our first video package of the night as we see Edge’s injury. Do we really need to see that again? Even better is Jericho’s choice for a partner. The Big Show. What a fail to start this show.

- Unified Tag Team Title Match: Chris Jericho and The Big Show © vs. Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes

Show has a new singlet. Too bad he likely won’t have a new moveset. Show starts off against Rhodes and that goes as well as you might expect. Egads what a chop. Dibiase comes in and also doesn’t do very well. Jericho is tagged in and we see our first double team move. Crowd is absolutely silent for all of this. This is what happens when you have two heel tag teams starting the show off. Show almost kills Jericho by dropping him on DIbiase. Dibiase and Rhodes finally get the advantage when Dibiase pulls the top rope and Jericho flails over. They work him over a bit, but I think the problem is Legacy has been treated like such geeks that there is no credibility with the audience. Crowd appears to be behind Jericho and Show by default. Rhodes even breaks out a moonsault!!!! Wow, that was mildly interesting. The heat segment lasts seemingly forever although it’s the best Rhodes and Dibiase have looked in months. At least they managed to get some heat on their opponents. That lasts until Show gets tagged in. Spear gets a long two count. Rhodes is tossed but skins the cat. Dibiase dropkick but he suffers a Codebreaker. Show gets the Colossal Clutch for the submission.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 9:33/STILL Unified Tag Team Champions- Chris Jericho and The Big Show/**1/2

This was an alright match. Jericho really made this match as watchable as it was going to be. The pick of Show is a major disappointment. While he may at least wrestle mostly in tag matches, he also has the potential of wrestling on multiple brands. Very scary thought to be certain.

-Josh Mathews is in the back and brings in C.M. Punk. Punk then cuts one of the biggest promos of his entire career as he runs down the fans for their support of Jeff Hardy. He absolutely owned that audience for this segment. The only critique I have is this should have been on Smackdown Friday instead of the Pay-Per-View. Still this was excellent and adds a lot of interest (at least for me) to the world heavyweight championship match.

- ECW Title Match: Tommy Dreamer © vs. Christian

Guess that interview was a little too exciting since it’s back down the ladder we go. Even in Philadelphia, Dreamer can’t get a decent crowd reaction. Also, despite Christian being on the ECW brand, he still gets a pretty big star reaction. Slaps to start followed by a little back and forth. Christian takes over briefly as a smattering of “ECW” chants break out. Christian misses a dive to the outside as Dreamer then cannonballs his opponent. After a two count, Dreamer hits a powerslam. Christian comes back and starts working on the neck. He goes for the KIllswitch. That’s reversed but Christian then applies a sleeper. Dreamer does the old Vader/Cactus Jack spot, but Christian tenaciously locks the sleeper on again. This time both men end up on the outside of the ring. Christian misses an axehandler and is facebustered. Dreamer sets Christian in the tree of woe and gets the dropkick. Reverse DDT and a missile dropkick by Christian. He missed whatever from the top and Dreamer applies a terrible-looking Cloeverleaf. Series of pinning reversals before another dropkick. Both then go for their finishers. Christian gets the Killswitch at least for the 1-2-3.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 9:31/NEW ECW Champion- Christian/**

-Nothing special her, but Dreamer was just an atrocious champion. I’m very glad Christian is the ECW champion. Unfortunately, he’s now got the unenviable task of wrestling Kozlov. If he carries that lump to a good match, he’s the wrestler of the year for 2009.

-Dreamer and Christian share a moment.

-Summerslam commercial as they show all the stars of the company. Interesting to note Jeff Hardy is one of those featured.

-Tool Grisham interviews the Unified Tag Team Champions. This relationship is all about business. Jericho mentions Edge’s name again. That feud will be epic when it happens next year. Jericho needs to keep mentioning Edge’s name and keep the heat alive.

- US Title Six Pack Challenge Match: Kofi Kingston © vs. The Big Show vs. MVP vs. The Miz vs. Carlito vs. Jack Swagger

Lillian Garcia doesn’t royally screw up the rules at least. I also like how Show completely buried all of his opponents and is now not even in the match. Way to completely bury the United States. title. Least the match will be better. I’m not even going to try and describe all the action as all six men are just going at it in the ring. Things do settle down a bit as Primo takes some amount of control. He actually looks quite good until a Gutwrench powerbomb b y Swagger. MVP and Swagger continue their ongoing rivalry with some brawling. Nice dive by Carlito onto MVP. Kofi gets Swagger one-on-one momentarily, but Miz  goes after both men. Four men then do the required suplex/powerbomb spot that comes off as being very contrived. More brawling between the six men. Finally, we get Carlito and Kofi in the ring. Then Primo interjects himself. These three have a hell of a sequence with some nearfalls. Carlito and Primo begin double-teaming, but Swagger clotheslines both men. MVP takes control. Miz stops that in short order. The Colon Brothers work… nope, Carlito turns on his brother. Kofi finally gets Trouble in Paradise for a 1-2-3.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 8:37/STILL United States champion- Kofi Kingston/**3/4

This was an okay match, but I would have preferred to see two of these guys get cut so it could just be four guys instead of six. There was almost too much action to keep track of, but at least the action was good. It’d also be nice to see these six guys get elevated since these six being paired off in television feuds could provide a great deal of freshness to RAW. It’s amazing how sucky RAW has been the last couple months, but the reality is these six guys and Evan Bourne can inject life to this very stale show. Enough Hunter, Orton, Cena, Hornswaggle, and even Santino every single week. More Kofi, Miz, Swagger, and Bourne.

-Josh Mathews interviews Randy Orton. He says stuff. I zone out.

-WWE Women’s Title Match: Michelle McCool © vs. Melina

I thought this show was going to come to a complete halt with this match. I was wrong. Michelle immediately hits a dropkick on Melina while she’s doing her splits thing. Well, that’s a star right there and this is right away better than Jenna and Sharmell. Melina gets a little too fancy with some attempted maneuvers, but both of these girls at least are working hard. Melina misses a move on the second rope and ends up on the floor. McCool takes advantage as Melina gets to do the one thing she excels at. Selling. McCool hooks a half crab. McCool and Melina somehow end up on the security wall. Nasty-looking DDT by McCool. Damn, Melina’s head bounced. Melina comes back with screams and uses her leg strength. This is followed by a dive. Drop toehold on the second rope followed by a two knees by Melina. These two girls are really beating the tar out of each other. McCool gets a belly-to-belly suplex for two. Spear into the corner but Melina heel chops, dives, but McCool reverse into a roll-up for the three.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 6:13/STILL Women’s Champion- Michelle McCool/**3/4

-That rating is not a typo. This was probably one of the most enjoyable women’s matches I’ve ever seen from the WWE. It was physical and these two girls tried to do some different things. It wasn’t exactly pretty all the time, but I’ll give them points for trying. Also, you got the sense that these two girls really hated each other, and there was an heir of intensity that 99% of these women’s matches don’t have. Big surprise here.

- WWE Title Match: Randy Orton © vs. HHH vs. John Cena

An epicly long video package sets this match up. Then we get the longest entrances in the history of match. There’s 15 minutes right there that could have been used to give more time to some of the earlier matches. The other galling part of this match is the build-up actually included mention of this match taking place at Wrestlemania 24. Two years ago is forever in this era of television. Yet here these three are wrestling again. Orton leaves the ring, but the faces go after him. Chase is on inside the ring as well.  Faces work well together early as Orton can’t get any sort of advantage.  Finally, Orton knocks Cena to the outside off the apron onto Triple H. Orton brings Cena into the ring and goes to work. Cena comes back but as he’s about to finish the match, Hunter send Cena out. Orton gains the advantage once again. The heat just immediately dies. I mean absolutely leaves the building. Orton and Triple H have their usual sequence, and you can just tell that people are burned out. Oh lovely.  A chinlock by Orton. That will help the match quality out. The two punch back and forth and Orton hits a scoop slam. As he’s ready to hit the RKO, Hunter send him into the corner before hitting the DDT. Both struggle to get up. Cena climbs to the top rope and legdrops both men… barely.

Cena fires away but falls to a neckbreaker. Back to the outside goes Cena. Triple H tries a pedigree, but he’s also deposited to the outside as well. Cena climbs in and gets kicked in the chest. As Orton is about to DDT both men, he’s sent to the outside. Cena and Hunter glare at each other. They clash like two titans. We even get the whole “yay” “boo” thing. They counter through their usual including their finishers. Hunter takes definitive control with a spinbuster. Pedigree finally gets hit, but Orton pulls Triple H out of the ring. After being sent into the stairs, Orton gets the Smackdown announce table ready for usage. All three end up around the table. Orton is sent flying into the crowd. Cena hooks the STF ON THE TABLE (cause it’s more painful there). Orton punches Cena and throws him back inside.. More punching. RKO attempt is denied as Cena tosses Orton. Both end up at the top, but Hunter runs in. Hunter is sent into the top rope crotching Orton. STF finally locked in by Cena, but Superman powers out. Cena re-applies the hold. Orton misses the punt, but not before giving one of the oddest expressions I’ve ever seen in the history of wrestling. I wish you could all see what he did. Oy vey. It looked like he wanted to rape Cena. Roll-up (way he defeated Orton Monday) only gets two. Orton clotheline and beats up both heroes.

After the most boring beatdown ever, Cena chopblocks the left knee. Triple H also goes to work on the knee. Cena charges at Hunter, but the top rope is pulled down. Triple H applies the SHARPSHOOTER. Oh my God.  It’s fairly awful too. Cena finds his way back into the ring and applies the STF. Orton taps. Instead of ringing the bell, holding the belt up, and creating some drama for RAW, the referee stands there like a jackass. Legacy runs in. Orton hits an RKO  as Cena is about to give Cody an Attitude Adjustment for the three count.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 22:22/STILL WWE Champion- Randy Orton/***

-Nothing terribly wrong with the match but itself as all three guys know how to save a sound match. The ending was a little too cute for my liking since it essentially sets up yet another match between these three men again for Summerslam. I can’t see much more heat being built up between these three since everyone is so tired of these guys wrestling each other in various combinations. I know that I want to see them separated for a long long time and see someone… ANYONE… get elevated.

-Funny backstage skit with Maryse and Miz.  These two are such douches that they need to be put together. Miz calls Maryse a tease and rips on her. Awesome.

- Divas Title Match: Maryse © vs. Mickie James

I had high hopes for this match since Mickie is one of the better female talents in WWE and Maryse is one of the more charismatic Divas in the company. The problem is Maryse cannot wrestle at all. The crowd, which actually showed some enthusiasm in the last match, took this opportunity to cool down big time. Faint “We want puppies” chant. Other than that, no dice. Crowd doesn’t care. I don’t care, Maryse applies a resthold. Still, it’s better than Jenna and Sharmell. This match is getting an awful lot of time. Maryse gets the hairspray, but James counters. Referee takes the can away. Mickie beats on Maryse outside the ring. Back inside and Maryse does more restholds. Oh boy. Mickie is pissed. She stiffs her with a punch and clothesline. Maryse just won’t die. Ugh. FINALLY a leaping DDT gets three.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 8:38/NEW Divas Champion-Mickie James/*

-This match was absolutely abysmal. Maryse is horrible, and she really needs to be used as a manager or a non-wrestler. Even using her in tag team situations is preferable to this. Also, whoever gave this eight minutes was a complete fool. Five of these minutes should have been given to one of the next two matches since it appears they’re once again going to get shorted. You’d think a company that’s been doing three hour Pay-Per-Views for 25 years would have this figured out by now.

-Interview with the Legacy geeks. Apparently, it’s just swell they didn’t win the tag team titles because Orton retained his belt. Dibiase even buries the tag belts in the middle of all of this.

- WWE IC Title Match: Rey Mysterio © vs. Dolph Ziggler

No idea what they went ahead and aired the stupid video package for this match. Jesus. Maria accompanies Dolph. I can’t believe they’re actually going to go with that pairing. Maria is a pretty girl, but does she actually have any discernible talent other than being hot?

Dropkick by Dolph starts things off. He basically uses aggressiveness and some power moves early on. Rey comes back with an f’ed up headscissors before Ziggler reverses things with a powerbomb into the turnbuckle. Headlock by Dolph and this crowd is either burned out or they’re not buying a title switch. My hunch is this is a combination of both. Another headscissors sends Ziggler into the corner. Legdrop and crossbody gets two for Rey Rey. . Powerslam by Dolph gets a two. Attempted suplex gets reversed and Ziggler is sent outside. Rey Rey leaps on him. Dolph kicks Rey in the face but a Tiger Bomb fails. 619 countered and now Rey Rey gets tossed outside the ring. Punches lead into a chinlock. Another powerslam only gets two. Leaping elbow drop also gets two. Really nothing technically wrong with the match, but no one is buying a title switch.  Full nelson. Ziggler tries more power moves but cannot get the three. Even the beginnings of a Mysterio comeback doesn’t get much of a pop. HUGE  dropkick by Ziggler as Mysterio jumps off the top rope. Only a two count again. Ziggler misses a charge, but manages to hit a top rope gutbuster. 619 and splash come out of nowhere and get three

-Time/Winner/Rating: 14:23/STILL IC champion- Rey Mysterio/***

If the crowd gave a lick about this match or there was the sense that the championship could possibly change hands, I would give this ***1/2 without feeling much guilt about it. As it is, it was just a good match and not much more.

- World Title Match: CM Punk © vs. Jeff Hardy

Pretty incredible that these two guys are closing the show. Good for both involved, especially Punk since this is his first main event on a Pay-Per-View. Crowd chants for Hardy pretty emphatically. Punk is just absolutely playing the smarmy heel at this point and doing a lot of trash-talking early on in the match. Good fast-paced start before Punk applies a chinlock. Missed dive by Punk of all people and Hardy capitalizes with a neckbreaker. He goes for the swanton, but Punk rolls outside. Hardy misses a dive of his own. Punk wants the referee to count Hardy out.  Hardy comes in at eight, and Punk works him over some more. Three people in the front row take Jeff Hardy very seriously as they stomp their feet and pound the security wall with a fiery passion. If only the rest of the crowd was this passionate about anything that’s happened tonight. Hardy with a second rope implant DDT and the crowd goes… apathetic. Ugh. I hate Philadelphia. Both guys are on their feet and they exchange rights. Hardy tries the swanton again and Punk knocks him down. Running knee but the bulldog fails. Whisper in the wind only gets two. By the way, the look of feigned shock on Punk’s face when he hit the knee was brilliant. Swanton misses again. Welcome to Chicago leads to a modified dragon sleeper. Hardy gets to the ropes Punk is ready with more kicks and strikes. Hardy gets a Twist of Fate. He takes his shirt off and the swanton fails again. This time, Punk gets the knees up. Punk goes to the top now. Series of reversals leads to a Go 2 Sleep. ONLY TWO. Another try and again only two. Third time once again gets only two.  Punk grabs his title belt and heads to the back. Ross accidentally says the word belt, and Grisham quickly mentions Punk taking his title back. Hardy send Punk back into the ring and finally hits the swanton. 1-2-3. New champion.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 14:58/NEW World Heavyweight Champion- Jeff Hardy/***1/2

I love how they have a brand new heel who they gave a ton of promo time to earlier in the show… and have him job. They had him lose two non-title matches to John Morrison. Now this. What the hell is WWE thinking about? Do they even care about giving their heels heat? I guess not since he got jobbed out here. The match itself was really quite good, but why should I want to see yet another match between these two when it’s obvious to a lot of people Hardy is leaving but Punk has basically been treated like a loser the last month.

Final Thoughts: The crowd hurt this show a lot as many of the matches had zero heat. Nothing was overtly bad except the Divas title match, and even in that case the right woman won. I guess the problem with WWE right now is I have a complete dispassionate response to much of what they do. Instead of letting a young guy team with Jericho, they put the very stale Big Show in the slot. The same three guys were the RAW main event that have been in the main event the last three years.

My thumb is firmly in the middle for Night of Champions. Nothing really spectacular but not anything offensive . Only real pleasant surprise turned out to be the women’s title match. And again, I’m not kidding about that.

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I know what you’re thinking. Jerome bragged and bragged about not spending 40 bucks for this Pay-Per-View. Yet here I am reviewing the show just 24 hours later. I’ll let you use your imaginations on how yours truly is reviewing the show. And to show you what a swell guy I am, you’re even getting STAR RATINGS. With all that in mind…

We begin with one of those overdone overdramatic video packages that still doesn’t make me care about Randy Orton and Triple H in the slightest.

-Live from Philadelphia, California (I’ll explain this as the show goes on.)

-Your hosts are the six dwarves. The seventh got future endeavored before the show.

- ECW Title Scramble Match: Tommy Dreamer © vs. Christian vs. Finlay vs. Jack Swagger vs. Mark Henry

I’d say I’m glad to get the crap out of the way, but I get the sense that this might be at the top of the heap quality wise. I like how they explain the rules but won’t use the word time limit. Swagger and Christian start. Good idea since they’re probably the best workers on the brand right now. These two have their usual match and a SWANK takedown is done by Swagger. “Let’s go Christian” chants as the net entrant comes in. Fit Finlay runs in and he nails Christian . He just goes nuts on Swagger and Christian. I only wish it could be these three for the remainder of the match. Christian comes back but Swagger drags him outside. Swagger gets a three count on a roll-up and is now the “current ECW champion.” Finlay is getting his eye examined as Christian gets The Kill Switch reversed. Crowd is very into this, very good since the ECW guys never get this much heat. Tommy Dreamer now runs in and goes mad as Finlay did moments ago. Man, even Dreamer is getting heat. Something in the air tonight. Something gets really botched with Christian in the tree of woe and Swagger tries to throw Dreamer. Things just stop for a second. The four competitors wonder around the outside before Finlay hits the Celtic Cross for three. Now he is the current champion. No word yet on the “allotted time” at any point. These guys seem to be walking around like lost puppies. Must have run out of stuff to do before Mark Henry walks in. He sucks as a wrestle, but his theme music is awesome. Big suplex spot as we’ve got five minutes left in something WWE won’t call a time limit. Henry hits The World’s Strongest Slam for three. Now they focus on Henry for a tic and send him outside. Swagger is deposited as well. Christian is sent out while Finlay and Dreamer each separately dive onto Swagger. Christian feels left out and dives. Mark Henry also wants to join the party but Swagger chop blocks him, reverse splashes him, and pins him. Christian engages the Kill Switch but Dreamer breaks up the pin. He gets the DDT and three. The crowd DIES. Wow. Dreamer bcame the champion, and this crowd went absolutely apathetic. They’re not even popping for the numerous two counts done in the final minute. Why is Dreamer covering people?

What a poorly booked match. The ending was completely anti-climatic and the wrong guy one. Crowd seemed to want of these other four guys to win but Dreamer slithers away with the belt. Four more weeks of him as champion? No buys.

Time/Winner/STAR RATING: 14:57/Tommy Dreamer (still ECW champion)/*1/2

-Referee takes forever to give Dreamer the belt for whatever reason. This would start the theme of wasting a ton of time.

-We get a GODDAMN TELEVISION COMMERCIAL ON A WWE PAY-PER-VIEW. WHAT?

-Edge complains to Teddy Long about not being on the Pay-Per-View, more specificallywanting the world title match made into a world title three way. Edge says Long will end up like Vickie, without a job. Nice suit on Long.

- IC Title vs. Mask Match: Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio

Swear to God, if this doesn’t get 15 minutes, this show is an automatic thumbs down. No arguments. They show some of the greatness that’s led into this match. No video package for this of course despite the fact that this has been the best angle in WWE during 2009. Jim Ross spouts off some mask history. See, we need Mike Tenay circa 1998 for this match. Charles Robinson is the referee, so this is a WCW reunion. Bell rings and there are some LOUD “Y2J” chants. Really? In California? Someone needs to tell these fans that Jericho is a heel and should be booed. Jericho holds the early advantage before a rana takes him outside. Mysterio attacks but is viciously thrown into the rail. Wow. Continued “Y2J” chants. Jericho takes Rey Rey to school now with a suplex and then a reverse chinlock. Mysterio briefly shows signs of life but a backbreaker snuffs that out. Dropkick to the outside and Jericho just looks at the crowd with the smuggest look ever. Mysterio with a kick and a series of forearms. Jericho with a one-footed dropkick into the chinlock again. Mysterio back kicks and Jericho is sent flying. Big dive onto the outside. Cross body gets two back in the ring. Mysterio springboard moonsaults off two of the ropes. 1-2-NO! Powerslam. 1-2-NOO! Jericho slows the pace down as the Mysterio fans make their presence known. Moonsault by Mysterio gets two. Attempted facebuster turned into the Walls of Jericho. Mysterio… just… gets…to the ropes. 619 misses and Jericho hits a vicious clothesline. Both guys at the top. Hurancanrana turned into a powerbomb from the top. Even with his feet on the ropes, Jericho gets two. Lionsault misses. Hurancanrana is hit this time and gets two. Dropkick to the back . Jericho reverses the 619, but Mysterio reverses the reversal. OH MY GOD! Jericho gets the codebreaker off another reversal. 1-2-NOOOOOOO! Jericho is indignant. Mysterio is rammed into the top turnbuckle. Both guys are at the top again. Doesn’t work out well. Mysterio finally hits the 619 but the West Coast Pop is REVERSED. WALLS OF JERICHO! Series of pinfalls now. Jericho rips Mysterio’s mask, but he’s wearing ANOTHER ONE! 1-2-3!

Jim Ross called this a main event, and I was not inclined to disagree. Regardless of how good or bad this show, you need to see this match. This is the second best match WWE has produced this year. I’m not even gonna nitpick about time or the angle being short-shrifted. This was an awesome match, and nothing could possibly follow it.

Time/Winner/STAR RATING: 15:44/Rey Mysterio (New Intercontinental Champion)/****1/2

-Advertisement for Summerslam… Aren’t they forgetting about a Pay-Per-View or is that one going to be a secret too?

- A look at this past Monday. Amazing how they’ve shown it on ECW, Superstars, and Smackdown yet I still don’t care and have fast-forwarded through it each and every time.

-Jericho now complains to Teddy Long about Mysterio having two masks. Long says in one month, it’ll be five years for him as GM. Suddenly, I get a very sick feeling.

-Dolph Ziggler video package. Wait… he gets one but mask versus title doesn’t? That’s also no buys

- NO DQ Match: Dolph Ziggler vs. The Great Khali

I don’t mind this on free television but paying for this is a whole nother story. All I ask is that they keep it short.

Ziggler bumps like a champ, but Khali’s attempts at selling are comical. Pretty vicious champs too. Ziggler does some leg work and introduces a chair. Uh oh. FAMEASSER! FAMEASSER! Leave the memories alone there Dolph. Billy Gunn reminders are not appreciated, especially considering how much you look like him. Oh God. Kane is back. Ziggler blitzes with a chair. Now Kane takes the chair and beats up Khali. Crowd cheers this even though Kane is clearly a heel and Khali is a face. It’s academic as Ziggler gets a BS victory. Way to push the young talent WWE. Just wait. It gets worse.

While I’m happy Dolph is moving on to something bigger (hopefully) and better, we now get a Khali/Kane feud. It sucked at Wrestlemania 23 and it will likely suck more now.

Time/Winner/STAR RATING: 5:01/Dolph Ziggler/ ½*

-Vince and Teddy talk some more. Vince says Teddy has accomplished nothing and says that numerous other unemployed GMs have done better. Vince says he would shoot himself from boredom if he was in a foxhole with Teddy and mocks his dance. Yeah Vince, go fuck yourself. Teddy must be leaving WWE, and they’re giving him one of their grand send-offs.

-12 Rounds DVD Commercial

-Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole talk while the Carlitos come to ringside. They make a note about them being able to defend against teams from any other brand. Michael Cole also says he can identify with Teddy Long after a question by Lawler. Hilarious.

- Unified Tag Team Title Match: Carlito and Primo Colon © vs. Legacy

Should be noted that Dibiase is wearing different colored tights then Rhodes. Teddy Long appears and adds a new team. Edge comes out, and the first name that pops to my mind… CHRISTIAN. Awwww. It’s Jericho. First time I’ve ever said that. So now we have:

- Unified Tag Team Title Match: Carlito and Primo Colon © vs. Legacy vs. Rated Y2J

The other teams are not happy. Basically, the Legacy/Colons issue is out the window at this point. They do get to start, but Jericho tags in. He doesn’t last long as it’s once again Legacy and Primo. “We want Christian” chants. Who died and made the California fans snarky? Does Matt Winton know this? Clearly this was a last minute decision because most of the spots are being done by the two RAW teams. Strictly back and forth as they’re on the other side of Rated Y2J. Edge finally tags in to a huge babyface pop. He misses a spear and Dibiase tags in. Crowd is asleep except when the main eventers enter. “Edge” chants now with some “Edge and Christian” chants mixed in as well. I just watched the American Wolves against Bryan Danielson and Tyler Black from the Markham show. This isn’t even half as good as that match. Doesn’t help the two best workers in the match have spent the majority of the match on the outside. Carlito picks the pace up when he gets tagged in. Uh oh. Jericho runs in and gets the codebreaker. Carlito punches Edge. As Carlito takes Dibiase out of the corner, Edge tags him Carlito hits the Backcracker. Edge then tags Carlito with a spear. Three count and we have NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!!!!

If these guys don’t wrestle on every brand for the next six months, WWE fails. I don’t even care so much that they essentially buried the RAW duos because I’d rather see Jericho and Edge on RAW, ECW, and Smackdown anyway.

Time/Winner/STAR RATING: 9:39/Edge and Chris Jericho (NEW Unified Tag Team Champions)/**

-Randy Orton doesn’t care about Dibiase and Rhodes not winning the tag belts. Dibiase yells at Randy. It’s far too early for tension between these guys. These Legacy guys are dorks. Build them up. Then have Dibiase go bonkers and become the babyface you think he can be for the company.

- WWE Women’s Title Match: Melina © vs. Michelle McCool

Maryse has a great personality. Beth Phoenix and Mickie James are fine women’s professional wrestlers. Yet McCool and Melina get on the Pay-Per-View. Must be nice banging wrestler in high places. I leave it to the reader to figure out the context of that statement. This might be a Pay-Per-View, but I’m still not doing play-by-play. All that needs to be said is these girls stiffed the bajesus out of each other and there was lots of screaming. I’ll also point out that these girls got to wrestle in complete silence. How is becoming the women’s champion of each brand prestigious? They’re both WWE belts, and it’s case of circumstances allowing someone to be able to hold both belts, not skill. This match is going on forever. At least it’s not as bad as you would think and I feared. McCool wins with the match and the championship with the STYLES CLASH. Hey, when you can’t even execute the damn thing properly, you don’t get to call it the dumbass name WWE gave it.

Time/Winner/STAR RATING: 6:35/Michelle McCool (new women’s champion)/Michelle McCool/*

-Jim Ross says it’s time for the main event. Nice dig at RAW there.

- World Title Match: CM Punk © vs. Jeff Hardy

Punk gets boss, and Hardy gets the cheers. Punk kisses the belt ala Bret Hart. Crowd is chanting Hardy heavily while Punk just smiles smugly. Feeling out process. Thank God Hardy dumped the goofy facepaint. arHard Hardy works a headlock and gets the crowd to chant for him. Punk hooks in his own headlock. Shoulder tackle. Punk sets up for the Go 2 Sleep but is reversed. Hardy tries the Twist of Face but no dice. Punk ends up outside the ring. Hardy dives on Punk and rams him into the rail. He misses whatever, and Punk goes back inside the ring. Punk interferes with the count because he’s such a swell guy… or he wants the ref to count faster. Two count as Punk yells at referee Scott Armstrong. Yeah, I said his name. Wanna fight about it? Punk figure fours the head now, and Punk follows up with a backbreaker. Back to the figure four but Hardy reaches the rope. Punk misses a second rope leg drop and then a Stinger splash. Hardy gets the Whisper in the Wind for two. Clothesline. Another one. Hardy then gets atomic drop. Legdrop followed by a dropkick to the head. Then a front forward suplex. Punk gets out of the way but Hardy hits another clothesline. Dropkick into the corner but this almost turns out badly. Punk stiffs hardy with a kick and knee. Ouch. Bulldog gets another two count. Kicks to the knees but the roaring elbows (MISAWA!)don’t work. Hardy takes his shirt off but misses the Swanton. Punk makes the sign for Go 2 Sleep but Hardy gets an inside cradle for another two. Another stiff kick but another Go 2 Sleep attempt is turned into a Swanton. He connects this time and gets three. GOD- Wait. Punk’s foot was underneath the rope. Armstrong says the match must continue. Hardy is obviously not happy

We re-start. Now it’s on, but Punk gets an elbow to the eye. He sells it very well. And he kicks Armstrong in the back. That was actually a very creative finish. If you paid 40 dollars for the show, I imagine you’re not happy, but this was a great way to further Punk’s heel turn (if that’s where they’re going with this). Punk continues to oversell the eye.

Time/Winner/STAR RATING: 15:04/Jeff Hardy by DQ/***

-Hardy shows poor sportsmanship by attacking Punk after the match. What a jerk. Referees break it up as Punk continues to sell the eye. This is so awesome.

-The Colons complain to Teddy Long about getting hosed. The Colons speak Spanish. Guess we know what’s going to happen tomorrow night. Rated Y2J vs. Colons. Count me in.

- I know I called Tyler Black the Lex Luger of our generation, but Hardy is absolutely challenging him for that title. It’s going to be a race, but one of these two men will receive this honor in the year end awards.

-Randy Orton is… CALLING SCODY RHODES ON HIS CELLPHONE. What a heel.

We’re running woefully short on time, but we get an extended video package showcasing the John Cena/Miz feud. Dumb.

- John Cena vs. The Miz

This feud could have been so great and really elevated Miz to unprecedented levels. I’ve got very little hope that WWE does the right thing here and puts Miz over.

The announcers make it clear Miz isn’t in Cena’s league. Then five minutes later, it’s made clear Miz isn’t in Cena’s league because he’s jobbed out. Even worse, he taps with both hands like a jobber when he’s put into the STF. What is this? Fucking ROH on HDnet? Superstars? Way to bury someone who could have been a star. Fucking awesome WWE. You give Cena a victory against someone he could have had an extended program with because… you’re afraid? WCW did this same bullshit on Pay-Per-View after Pay Per-View, and they’re dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. But I guess seeing another Cena/Big Show match is more important than elevating people.

Time/Winner/STAR RATING: 5:40/John Cena/*

-One more thing. John Morrison should hug Chris Jericho, Edge, and CM Punk because as awkward as his face turn has been, he’s at least being elevated. He’s having very good matches and even got to pin the world champion clean as a whistle. Miz? Just another geek mid-carder.

-Another extended video package despite the fact that there’s about a half hour left for this show. Someone should tell Kevin Dunn people pay to see the matches, not the pretty little video packages that are put together.

-WWE Title Three Stages of Hell Match: Randy Orton © vs. HHH

- (The 1st Fall is a Regular Match, The 2nd Fall is Falls Count Anywhere Match, If Needed, the 3rd Fall is a Stretcher Match.)

That last match completely turned me off to this show. I’d complain about the time again, but I have no interest in watching Triple H and Orton. They actually get to call this a wrestling match. Wonder if Vince is backstage pouting because that evil word has to be used. Orton and Triple H have a rather weak start with some not so intense brawling. Orton starts working the leg. I roll my eyes. B-O-R-I-N-G. Orton works the leg a lot. Triple H gets sent to the outside. He then grabs a chair and nails Orton. Orton wins the first fall at 4:52 by disqualification. Hunter uses the chair to further destroy Orton. Since it’s Falls Count Anywhere, it doesn’t matter. Orton is so beat up that he goes outside. Triple H follows him, hits the pedigree on the outside, and wins the second fall in 1:24. That thump Orton’s head made was just plain nasty. The stretcher is brought out and the line is established. Orton gets up and kicks the stretcher at Hunter’s leg. Back to the leg work now. Lovely. They take their fight into the crowd. Of course the PG rating means no blood and things not getting too intense. Orton gets so frustrated at one point he rips the padding off the rails. He hits Hunter with them, and it makes a far better sound then you’d think. He then rams Triple H into the steel a few times for good measure. Orton continues to dominate the fall. Orton begins moving furniture and send s the steps into the ring. As he’s about to hit Hunter, he feels the wrath of a drop toehold. That was pleasant. Orton gets nailed with the stairs. Now it’s time to go for a ride. Orton prevents the loss barely. Hunter and Orton end up on the stretcher, and they roll. Wow, what an incredibly dangerous maneuver. Orton DDTs Hunter off the stretcher onto the steel ramp. Back body drop sets Triple H up right on the stretcher. He rolls, but Hunter manages to get himself off. Orton readies the RKO but Hunter sends him into the sign. Pedigree but both men are down. As Triple H is finally about to end this feud, Cody Rhodes interferes. Again, Triple H is about to win, but Dibiase makes his triumphant return. Rhodes joins him. Triple H manages to fight all three guys. Cody must be having flashbacks to his father and his ability to fight off the odds. Hunter introduces Mr. Slegdey, but Orton hits a low blow and nails him with a piece of the stage. He finally pulls Hunter over the yellow line at 15:06.

This was barely better then the Wrestlemania main event, but there was a little drama thanks to the interference by the Legacy dorks. Still, I have a hunch these two are getting another match at “Night of Champions.” Hell in a Cell maybe? Anyway you slice it, I’m not looking forward to ever seeing these guys against each other ever again.

Time/Winner/STAR RATING: 21:22/Randy Orton (still WWE champion)/**1/2

After the match, Triple H hits Orton in the back with the sledgehammer because God forbid this feud ever ends, and God forbid Orton gets any heat whatsoever.

Final Thoughts: I have to give this show a thumbs down because there was far too much stupidity for me to justify saying “Spend 40 bucks on this.” I do have high standards for these shows primarily because of the expense. The Cena squash was very anger inducing and soured me on the show a great deal. Orton and Hunter was at least better then Mania but not even as good as the match they had Monday. Guess which one people had to pay for though? There were also a couple matches (Melina/McCool and Ziggler/Khali) that had no business on this show when guys like Edge, John Morrison, the Hart Dynasty, and John Morrison weren’t booked.

However, there was still some goodness to be found amidst the maddening sucktitude. Jericho and Rey had a definite match of the year candidate with all kinds of reverals, nearfalls, and a really good finish that has been built up from past matches. I’m also coming under the assumption that Edge is hurt based on him being used in a tag match and only really doing the spear. Edge and Jericho as a team is very interesting, and they NEED to be used on every brand. They can feud with anyone or team and make them better. Finally, Punk is the most interesting he’s ever been as he leans closer to being a heel. I liked the ending but can see why people would get mad about it.

Hopefully, we can make this a monthly deal where the site can produce a report every month. Until then, we’ll see you for RAW tonight.

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