Pro Wrestling Ponderings

Dunkin’ Donuts Center – Providence, Rhode Island – 4.26.09

DVD Release Date: May 26, 2009

MATCH #1: ECW Championship Match – Jack Swagger vs. Christian

Swagger has been the champion since 1.13.09, and this is his fourth defense. They take it right to the mat, where obviously Swagger dominates. Christian comes back with slaps and a headlock, but Swagger escapes and knocks Christian down with two straight shoulderblocks. Swagger then picks Christian up over his head and drops him over the top rope to the floor like a sack of potatoes. Back in the ring the ECW Champion is firmly in control. Christian tires that swinging kick out of the corner he does, but Swagger blocks it and slams Christian down to the mat for a two-count. Swagger Rules. He continues working over the ribs with various submission holds and strikes. Christian comes back and hits that swinging kick out of the corner this time, but Swagger drops him with a knee to the gut. Swagger then tries a Vader Bomb, but Christian gets his knees up. Christian fights back with forearms and tries a tornado DDT. Swagger blocks the DDT but can’t block a sunset flip off the second rope, which gets two. That near fall seems to have irked Swagger, who picks Christian up and slams him down to the mat. The champion tries the gut-wrench powerbomb, but the challenger blocks it. Swagger sets Christian up on the top rope, and this time Christian is able to hit the tornado DDT for a two-count. Once again Swagger is irked by the near-fall, and hits a belly-to-belly suplex to show his frustration. The battle spills to the floor and Swagger appears to be going for a German Suplex off the apron to the floor. Someone’s been watching old ROH tapes, and I approve. Christian dumps Swagger back in the ring and goes up top, but Swagger stops him and back body drops him! This time Swagger hits the Vader Bomb but Christian kicks out at two! Christian tries the Killswitch, but Swagger reverses that to half an Oklahoma Stampede, and Christian reverses that to a rolling prawn hold for two. Both men are back to their feet, and this time Swagger hits the full Oklahoma Stampede for a two-count. A frustrated Swagger removes one of the turnbuckle pads, and while the referee is distracted with that, Christian does the same. Swagger charges and runs into the exposed steel, and then Christian hits the Killswitch to win the title at 11:00. That was an absolutely tremendous match, and I love how both guys didn’t give up on hitting their big moves. I think Swagger is totally the future of the WWE.
Rating: ***¾

MATCH #2: Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat vs. Chris Jericho

I wonder if they were planning on doing this one-on-one match all along, or if everyone was just so blown away by Steamboat at WrestleMania that they had to do this. Either way I’m ecstatic. Steamboat has dyed his hair for his first singles match on pay-per-view since facing Steve Austin for the United States title at Bash at the Beach on July 17, 1994. Jericho tries to stall, so Steamboat takes him down. Steamboat avoids outmaneuvers Jericho and hits a slingshot dive to the floor, wiping out the first-ever Undisputed Champion. Back in the ring Steamboat continues to control the younger Jericho, working in a few of his signature armdrags. Jericho finally makes the comeback when Steamboat tries to skin the cat, and Jericho viciously clotheslines him back over the ropes and to the floor. He hits the springboard dropkick, and Jericho is firmly in control now. Jericho puts on a modified Cobra Clutch. Steamboat fights out of that and hits an armdrag, but Jericho puts him right back down with a clothesline for two. Jericho grinds him down with a headlock, and Steamboat can’t even break it with a belly-to-back suplex. He tries the bulldog, but Steamboat pushes him off, and Jericho lands on the top turnbuckle. Steamboat hits a belly-to-back superplex, and Jericho kicks out at two! I wonder if Steamboat learned that from Bryan Danielson. Steamboat is on fire now, hitting a series of chops for another two-count. A powerslam gets another close near-fall for the Hall of Famer. Jericho comes back with the enziguiri for two. He hits the bulldog this time, and goes for the Lionsault, but Steamboat catches him in an Electric Chair, which Jericho rolls through to the Walls of Jericho! Steamboat reverses that but has trouble putting on the modified Figure-Four Leglock. Jericho rolls to the ropes, and now they fight on the apron. Steamboat dumps Jericho to the mat and goes up top for a high cross body block, but it only gets two! He goes to the second rope for a chop to the head, but Jericho catches him with a Code Breaker, but Steamboat gets his foot on the bottom rope! Jericho goes for a slam but Steamboat rolls it into a small package just like WrestleMania III, but Jericho kicks out at two. Moments later Jericho locks on the Walls of Jericho, and Steamboat has to tap out at 12:32. Obviously it wasn’t the Ricky Steamboat from the ‘80s, but you never forget how to work, and Steamboat is one of the greatest of all time. That was probably his last match, and it was a good one to go out on. The crowd gives him a respectful round of applause and a “you still got it” chant.
Rating: ***

MATCH #3: CM Punk vs. Kane

This match came about because Punk and Kane were the last two men on a ladder during the Money in the Bank match at WrestleMania. Punk tries to avoid Kane early on, but Kane is able to use his strength to work Punk over. That doesn’t last too long though, as Punk catches Kane in a cross armbreaker in the ropes. Punk goes after Kane’s right arm and shoulder, and knocks Kane to the floor. He tries to hit a slingshot dive, but Kane grabs him by the throat for a chokeslam attempt, which Punk avoids. He’s then able to hit a clothesline off the apron. Back in the ring he once again goes after Kane’s shoulder. Kane reverses a whip and sort of sends Punk’s ribs into the ring post, and then Kane kicks Punk all the way to the floor. He follows Punk out and slams his back into the steel ring post. Back in the ring Kane gets a two-count. The Big Red Machine goes to work on Punk’s ribs, locking him in a body scissors. Kane hits a clothesline for two, and continues the assault. He tries a Chokeslam, but Punk counters it with a single-arm DDT. Punk then locks Kane in a kind of Tarantula in the ropes, using the referee’s five-count to great effectiveness. He has until five, referee. Punk hits a springboard clothesline to the back of the neck, and then runs right into a big boot. Kane goes up top, and Punk catches him with an enziguiri. Punk tries Go 2 Sleep, but Kane avoids it. Kane tries to retreat in the corner, but Punk follows him in with the knee to the face and a bulldog for two. Punk tries another springboard clothesline, but Kane swats him out of the air for a two-count. Kane tries a powerslam but Punk reverses it to a cross armbreaker, which Kane powers out of with a side suplex for two. Punk avoids another Chokeslam with a series of kicks and strikes. But he can only avoid the Chokeslam for so long, as when Kane finally hits a two-handed Chokeslam (which pays off Punk’s arm work nicely) that’s enough for the pin at 9:25. That was solid and featured some nice psychology, but it felt more like something that could have happened on TV. I remember marks on the internet freaking out about Punk jobbing clean here, but I’m pretty sure he wound up okay.
Rating: **½

MATCH #4: “I Quit” Match – Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy

The younger Hardy is the aggressor early on, trying to pay his older brother back for costing him the WWE Title and beating him at WrestleMania. They take it to the floor pretty quickly, and Jeff uses the ring steps to jump off and wipe out his brother against the security wall. Back in the ring it’s all Jeff working over his older brother Matt. Jeff puts on a sleeper, but Matt still won’t quit. Matt counters by dropping Jeff’s chin on the top turnbuckle. Jeff climbs up top and Matt shoves him to the floor, but Jeff won’t quit yet either. Matt joins his brother on the floor and rams Jeff’s leg into the ring post twice. Back in the ring Matt locks on the Figure-Four Leglock, but Jeff refuses to quit. Matt continues attacking the leg, once again locking on a Figure-Four, but this time Jeff reverses it and Matt won’t quit. The elder Hardy reaches the ropes, and he’s still in better shape than his brother, so he goes right back to work on the leg. The crowd seems to be distracted with something else, which is always a bummer for the guys in the ring. Anyway, Matt sets Jeff up on the top rope, and Jeff knocks him down and hits the Whisper in the Wind. They get back to their feet and Jeff slugs away, and then he hits his reverse enziguiri. Now Jeff goes after Matt’s leg, locking him in a sort of Texas Cloverleaf, and Matt taps out but he won’t say “I Quit.” Matt gets to the ropes, so Jeff breaks the hold, probably out of habit. Jeff tries a Twist of Fate, and they blow it, so they redo the spot and Jeff hits the move. He goes up top and hits the Swanton Bomb, but Matt still won’t quit, so Jeff hits another one. Jeff then goes to the floor and produces a table. Matt rolls to the floor to avoid the table, but Jeff hits a nice Twist of Fate instead. Back in the ring Jeff sets Matt on the table, and goes back under the ring for some duct tape and rope. Jeff duct tapes his brother’s legs and arms together, and then uses the rope to tie him to the table. Then he goes outside the ring again and brings in a ladder! He takes the shirt off so the girlies can scream, and starts climbing the ladder. Matt is completely helpless, duct taped and tied to the table, so he apologizes to his younger brother, tells him he loves him, pleads with him not to listen to the people, says that their mother and father would not approve, and then says “I Quit” to end the match at 19:06. I like the lengths that Jeff went to in order to get back at his brother. The finish was reminiscent of John Cena versus JBL from 2005, but I think it worked in the context of this story too. This was about on par with their WrestleMania match.
Rating: ***¼

Great Khali Kiss Cam with Santina Marella

This abomination of a segment leads to an impromptu match for the Miss WrestleMania crown, with Beth Phoenix challenging. Santina takes advantage of Khali bopping Beth on the head by calling for the bell and literally getting the win in 0:03. This segment would have been irritating on free TV, but on pay-per-view it’s inexcusable.
Rating: DUD

MATCH #5: 6-Man Tag Team Match for the WWE Championship – Triple H, Batista & Shane McMahon vs. Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase

Triple H has been the champion since 2.15.09, and this is his second defense. I guess Shane McMahon gets to be involved in every six-man tag team match that’s also for the WWE Title. The good guys attack right away and Triple H takes Orton up the aisle and seemingly disposes of him. The referee forces DiBiase and Rhodes to start the match in a three-on-two situation. The commentators don’t really make much of a big deal out of that. Batista and Rhodes start the match proper. If either Rhodes or DiBiase scores the pin, Orton will win the title, and if Shane or Batista scores the pin, Triple H will retain the title. Obviously Rhodes gets worked over pretty harshly in the opening minutes. DiBiase gets the same treatment, as it’s all babyfaces for a while. Batista takes the fight to DiBiase on the floor, and Orton comes back from out of nowhere and rams Batista into the steel ring post. Orton tags into the match officially and goes to work on Batista. The entire Legacy trio goes after the Animal’s head, and Orton hits the rope-assisted DDT (give that thing a name; in fact, there are many wrestling moves hanging around that need names) for two. DiBiase grinds away with a headlock, which Batista breaks with a belly-to-back suplex. They stop Batista from making a tag initially, but the next time he’s able to tag Shane as Orton tags Rhodes. Shane quickly takes it to the floor and starts rearranging the announce table, but DiBiase breaks that up. Back in the ring Shane hits an elbow off the top rope for two, as DiBiase pulls him to the floor and Orton whips him into the steel steps knees-first. Rhodes tags Orton to make him the legal man, and he commences working Shane over. Rhodes and DiBiase get their shots in too, as Legacy displays some impressive teamwork. I like the story of Triple H having to stand on the apron and watch his title being defended for him. Legacy keeps Shane isolated for many minutes, working him over in their half of the ring and making sure he doesn’t make the tag. DiBiase puts Shane in the Million Dollar Dream, but Shane escapes it and hits a DDT. Both men are down, and DiBiase makes the first tag to Orton, and then Shane makes the hot tag to the WWE Champion Triple H! The Game is on fire, pitching Rhodes and DiBiase to the floor, and nailing Orton with a huge spinebuster for two. Batista takes the battle to DiBiase on the floor, while Rhodes breaks up a Pedigree attempt with a DDT on the Game. Shane clotheslines Rhodes to the floor, leaving just Orton and Triple H in the ring. Somehow Triple H and Orton are both down in the ring, while Rhodes cracks Shane with a chair on the floor. Orton and Triple H rise, and Orton tries the RKO, which Triple H reverses to a Pedigree attempt. Triple H then sees Batista about to use a chair on the floor, and he stops him because a DQ in this case would result in a title change. The confusion leads to Orton hitting an RKO for a very near fall – so near in fact that the bell rings, but rest assured the match is not over yet. Seconds later Orton hits the Punt Kick to score the pin and win the WWE Championship at 22:49. The heat segments felt a little long, but overall the match was a fun chaotic brawl, and Triple H jobbed pretty clean.
Rating: ***½

MATCH #6: Last Man Standing Match for the World Heavyweight Championship – John Cena vs. Edge

Cena has been the champion since 4.5.09, and this is his first defense. The crowd is hot for the start of this one. They start pretty slowly, and counter each other’s signature moves, since they’ve battled so many times in the past three years. Edge gets the early advantage and gets ac couple of counts on Cena, but of course not a 10-count just yet. Last Monday on Raw Edge gave Cena a con-chair-toe, so they’re playing up Cena’s head trauma for this one. Edge locks Cena in a sleeper hold, but that can’t keep Cena down. In fact Cena fires up with one of his signature comebacks, and he tries the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Edge avoids it and locks on a Sharpshooter. That’s still not enough to keep Cena down for a 10-count, so Edge takes it to the floor, sets Cena’s head on the steel steps, and then misses a charge and rams his shoulder into the steel. Edge recovers and whips Cena into a different set of steps. Cena makes it back to his feet and this time he whips Edge into the steps. They go back to the ring, and Cena brings the steps with him. Unfortunately for Cena, that gave Edge time to recover, and he kicks Cena square in the face. Edge then uses the steps to his own advantage, ramming them into Cena and then dropkicking them into Cena’s body. Cena won’t stay down, so Edge charges and gets dumped over the ropes and to the floor. The champion then grabs the steps and whips them over the ropes and right into Edge’s face. Somehow Edge makes it back to the ring and they trade blows. Surprisingly the crowd is more in support of Edge at this point. Both competitors knock each other out with punches. They get back up and go for big moves, but it’s Edge hitting a belly-to-back suplex to take Cena down. Cena recovers and locks on the STF, and Edge taps out but it doesn’t matter in this Last Man Standing match. That doesn’t work so Cena tries the Attitude Adjustment, but Edge slips out and hits a Spear. Edge goes up top and Cena meets him up there for a Super Attitude Adjustment! Both men are down and the referee starts the count. Cena gets up before Edge, who barely gets up at the count of nine. The champ goes up to the top rope for the flying something, and Edge catches him out of the air with a Spear. They take the battle to the floor and onto the announce table, where Cena delivers the Attitude Adjustment onto a bunch of “fans.” Edge makes it back up at nine, and tries to run away through the concourse of the arena. Cena will have none of that, of course, and they fight through the arena floor. They make it to the entrance area, and Edge hits an Edgecution on the steel. Edge finds a chair and wallops Cena with it, and then hits him again in the head, but still can’t get the 10-count. The challenger tries a Spear, but Cena catches him in the Attitude Adjustment. Unfortunately for the champion, the Big Show comes out and delivers a thunderous Chokeslam through one of the searchlights in the entrance area. That’s enough to keep Cena down for the 10-count and give Edge his ninth World Title at 28:24. I’m not a huge fan of the finish, but the match was terrific, with all kinds of cool spots and brutality. Edge and Cena just have excellent chemistry together, and this match proved it.
Rating: ****¼

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Key Arena – Seattle, Washington – 2.15.09

DVD Release Date: March 17, 2009

MATCH #1: Elimination Chamber Match for the WWE Championship – Edge vs. Triple H vs. Undertaker vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Big Show vs. Vladimir Kozlov

In qualifying matches: Undertaker beat Mark Henry (Smackdown 1/30); Big Show beat Festus (Smackdown 1/30); Triple H beat Vladimir Kozlov and The Great Khali in a three-way match (Smackdown 1/30); and Vladimir Kozlov won a 15-man battle royal (Smackdown 2/6). Edge has been the champion since 1.25.09, and this is his first defense. It’s not too often that Undertaker comes out first on a pay-per-view. Edge gets fantastic heel heat; I miss him. Hardy and Edge start the match, and Hardy wants revenge. The challenger is on a roll right away, knocking Edge down with a series of clotheslines. Edge comes back with a big boot. He tries to put Hardy away but can’t do so just yet. Hardy comes back with a headscissors, and hits his legdrop and a dropkick to the face. He’s able to hit the Twist of Fate, but then misses the Swanton. Edge tries a Spear, but Hardy rolls him up in an inside cradle and Edge is gone at about 3:04! The crowd pops huge as they both get the satisfaction of Edge getting some comeuppance and the realization that a new WWE Champion will be crowned. Edge is livid. Hardy gets a few moments to rest before Kozlov is released from his cage. Kozlov levels Hardy with a big boot and then drives shoulders into his midsection. Hardy fights back and tries a leap off the second rope but Kozlov gets a battering ram right into the sternum. Kozlov takes the fight to Hardy outside the ring, ramming him into the chamber wall, and then dumping him back in the ring for a two-count. The Moscow Mauler is dominating here. Hardy slips out of a powerslam and dropkicks Kozlov into the turnbuckle and hits the corner dropkick. He follows up with Whisper in the Wind, and while both men are down Big Show enters the fray. Show goes right after Hardy while Kozlov regroups. Hardy is in big trouble now, getting double-teamed by Show and Kozlov. After several minutes of working together, Kozlov knocks Show down with a shoulderblock. Show gets up and they trade shots. The next man in the match is the Game. He goes right after Show with a knee to the face, and has one for Kozlov as well. He even hits Show with a spinebuster! Hardy comes in and tries the Twist of Fate on Triple H, but the freshest man in the match avoids it and hits a clothesline. He then dumps Kozlov to the steel and tries a Pedigree, but Show breaks it up for some reason. Show hits a side suplex on Triple H for a two-count. The crowd gets fired up for the waiting Undertaker, while Show hits a press slam on Triple H and Kozlov abuses Hardy. Show takes Hardy and Triple H outside the ring, and misses a charge into the wall. Triple H and Hardy then double-suplex Kozlov, and then Hardy hits Whisper in the Wind. Finally Undertaker comes out and he tears into Show. The crowd is pleased. Undertaker is an equal opportunity butt-kicker here, going after everyone. He takes Show down with a big clothesline and then grabs Triple H and goes for Old School. He changes flight mid-move and jumps onto Show outside the ring, and hits a devastating DDT! That was awesome. Kozlov stops Undertaker’s momentum and drives him into the corner. He stupidly goes for mounted punches and Undertaker hits the Last Ride to eliminate Kozlov at 23:00. Show recovers and hits Undertaker with a Chokeslam. Triple H goes for a Pedigree, but Show backdrops him onto the steel. Show then hurls Hardy right into Triple H as Kozlov is making his way out of the chamber. Hardy winds up getting crotched on top of one of the pods in an awesome spot. Show tries to grab Hardy off the top of the pod, but Undertaker comes up and hits a superplex. Triple H nails Show with the Pedigree. Hardy then comes off the top of the pod with a Swanton Bomb, and Triple H grabs the pin to eliminate Show at 26:13. Undertaker whips Triple H over the corner and onto the steel, and then turns his attention to Hardy, who has been in this match much longer than either of the other two competitors left. Triple H breaks up an Old School attempt and everyone is down. Moments later Undertaker nails Hardy with the Tombstone to eliminate him at 28:32. Undertaker takes first advantage, slugging away at Triple H in the corner. He misses a charge in the corner and they take the fight to the steel outside the ring. Triple H whips Undertaker into the wall and they go back to the ring. He tries jumping off the top rope but he gets caught in an Undertaker chokeslam for a two-count. Undertaker hits Snake Eyes, but Triple H comes back with a spinebuster for two. They migrate back to the steel and Triple H tries a Pedigree. Undertaker blocks it and catapults Triple H into the wall. He then pulls Triple H back into the ring with a Tombstone, but Triple H gets hit foot on the bottom rope! They struggle back to their feet and Triple H hits a Pedigree, but Undertaker kicks out! They get up and trade punches. For some reason Triple H goes for the Mounted Punches and Undertaker tries the Last Ride but Triple H avoids it! Triple H hits another Pedigree and this time gets the pin and wins the Title for the thirteenth time at 35:58. That was an awesome match with some really cool spots both involving and not involving the chamber. I also love the booking of taking Edge out just minutes into the match. Everyone worked hard here, and the final stuff between Triple H and Undertaker was great stuff.
Rating: ****¼

MATCH #2: No Holds Barred Match – Shane McMahon vs. Randy Orton

Orton walks right into a punch in the face to start the match, and then another one. Shane hits more punches and Orton doesn’t hit any. Alas, I spoke too soon – Orton comes back with a bunch of punches. They take it to the floor and start bringing the weapons out. Orton hits that inverted backbreaker he does, and then rams Shane into the ring apron. Back in the ring the fight continues, slowly. Shane fights back with a kendo stick, and the fight spills back to the floor. He takes Orton down with a clothesline, and then cranks him in the face with a TV monitor. He sets Orton on the table and goes up top for the big elbow, but Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase come out and put the boots to him. Legacy tries to use a chair, but Super Shane fights them off while Stephanie watches on backstage. Orton is a bloody mess. Shane sets Rhodes up for the Coast to Coast and hits it. Since Orton is still lying on the table, Shane goes back up top and goes for the elbow, but Orton moves and Shane crashes through the table. Orton gets back in the ring and sends Legacy to the back to make sure Rhodes is okay. Shane struggles back to the ring, and Orton hits the spike DDT for two, of course. Orton sets up a table and superplexes Shane through it. That gets just another two-count. Orton sets up for the Punt but Shane stops him with a spear. Shane grabs the chair and goes after Orton’s ankle. He’s set to pounce on Orton, but he comes charging in and Orton grabs an RKO to get the pin at 18:15. They tried hard and did a lot of big spots, but the match as a whole wasn’t very cohesive.
Rating: **¼

MATCH #3: ECW Championship Match – Jack Swagger vs. Finlay

Swagger has been the champion since 1.13.09, and this is his second defense. Why is the champion coming out first? Finlay is accompanied by Hornswoggle. He takes Swagger down right away and goes to work on the champion’s left leg. Swagger comes back and targets the arm. The crowd is not interested at all. Finlay counters a powerslam with an inverted DDT on the knee for a two-count. Swagger comes back and drives Finlay into the corner. He charges and Finlay sort of gets a rollup for a sort of near-fall. Swagger once again drives Finlay into the corner. He sets Finlay on the top turnbuckle, and Finlay knocks the champion down. Finlay gets control and goes up to the second rope for a cross body block for two. Hornswoggle comes out from under the ring apron and briefly distracts his dad. Finlay hits an Earthquake splash for two. Hornswoggle gets up on the apron, and ends up getting knocked down by his own father. That gives Swagger the opportunity to hit the Gut Wrench Powerbomb (that thing needs a name) to get the pin and retain the title at 7:59. I really like Swagger, but following a match with as many gimmicks as Orton and Shane had didn’t do any favors for the ECW Title match. And the Hornswoggle stuff just needs to stop.
Rating: *¾

MATCH #4: All or Nothing Match – Shawn Michaels vs. JBL

I think everyone breathed a sigh of relief when they announced they were blowing this match off on this show instead of WrestleMania. JBL tries to intimidate his employee, but Michaels fires back with a series of shots much to the crowd’s delight. He goes to the floor and tries to bait Michaels into using a chair, but HBK will have none of it. Back in the ring JBL blocks a sunset flip for a two-count. Michaels gets a backslide for one, and then JBL knocks him down with a shoulderblock. JBL hits an elbow drop for two. Michaels comes back and goes for the leg, locking JBL in the figure-four. JBL reaches the ropes, so Michaels then locks on the Crossface, which JBL counters to a pinning predicament for two. Michaels tries an Irish whip into the buckle but JBL reverses it and Michaels crashes to the floor. Back in the ring JBL hits a series of elbow drops for a near-fall. The much larger JBL overpowers Michaels for several minutes as the crowd tries to encourage HBK. JBL locks Michaels in a bearhug, but Michaels powers out and hits a swinging neckbreaker. Both men get back to their feet and Michaels gets a few shots in. JBL reverses a whip and sends Michaels flipping into the turnbuckle. He sets Michaels up top and goes for a superplex. Michaels blocks it and sends JBL down to the canvas. He tries the top-rope elbow but JBL moves out of the way. They get back to their feet and JBL hits the Clothesline from Hell for a two-count! JBL hits another one, and shoves Michaels to the floor. Michaels barely makes it back to the ring at the count of nine. JBL hurls Michaels back to the floor, and follows him out. He goes over to Shawn’s wife Rebecca, who slaps him right in the face. That fires her husband up, and they take it back to the ring. It’s Vintage Shawn Michaels all over the place. Michaels hits the Sweet Chin Music to get the pin and earn his independence at 13:19. The finish was fun because the crowd always gets hyped up for Shawn’s comebacks, but most of the match was as dull as most of JBL’s matches are.
Rating: **

MATCH #5: Elimination Chamber Match for the World Heavyweight Championship – John Cena vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Kofi Kingston Edge vs. Chris Jericho vs. Mike Knox vs. Kane

In qualifying matches, Kofi Kingston beat Kane (Raw 1/26); John Cena beat Shawn Michaels (Raw 1/26); Rey Mysterio beat William Regal (Raw 1/26); Chris Jericho beat CM Punk (Raw 1/26); Mike Knox won a battle royal (house show 2/1); and Kane got into the match by convincing his half-brother Undertaker to fight Randy Orton on Raw (Raw 2/2). Cena has been the champion since 11.23.08 and this is his third defense. When Kofi Kingston makes his entrance, former WWE Champion Edge appears and throws Kofi into the stairs and cracks a steel chair across his head! Edge then takes Kofi’s place in the pod! That’s awesome. Mysterio and Jericho will start the match. They trade some holds, and Mysterio gets the first advantage. Mysterio goes for an early 619 but Jericho avoids it. Even so Mysterio stays in control until he tries running into Jericho in the corner but Jericho moves and Mysterio crashes into Kane’s pod! That was cool. Jericho is firmly in control now, back dropping Mysterio onto the steel outside the ring. He tries a catapult, but Mysterio catches onto the wall and climbs up it to deliver an awesome headscissors. Back in the ring Mysterio hits a seated senton for two. Mysterio hits a bulldog, and Kane joins the match. Kane goes after everyone, and even intimidates Edge. He hits Mysterio with a side suplex for two. He then hits a low dropkick (!) for two. He clotheslines Jericho over the ropes to the steel and follows him out. It’s all Kane for several minutes until Jericho catches him with a Code Breaker. Mysterio dumps Jericho out of the ring, and then climbs to the top of a pod to hit Kane with a seated senton to eliminate him at 9:36! Moments later Knox joins the match and goes right after Mysterio. He also goes after Jericho, throwing everybody around. Knox goes for a Shellshock on Mysterio, but Jericho catches him with a Code Breaker to get the elimination at 14:40. Edge is the next one out, and Mysterio doesn’t wait for him to escape the pod! Mysterio is avenging his friend Kofi Kingston. Edge lies in wait and takes advantage when both Jericho and Mysterio are vulnerable. He tries a Spear on Mysterio, who moves, and Jericho tries the Code Breaker but Edge avoids it. Mysterio gets Edge in position for a 619, and Jericho again blocks it with a Spear. They do a Tower of Doom spot and everyone is down. Edge gets control and the Champ Is Here! Cena goes right after Edge, and has plenty for Jericho too. He goes for the Attitude Adjustment on Edge, but Jericho breaks it up with a Code Breaker. That sets Cena up to take the 619 from Mysterio. Edge then pins Cena to eliminate the champ at 22:18. It hasn’t been a good night for the champions. Mysterio fights off both opponents. He hits a 619 on Jericho, but when he goes for a springboard rana Jericho catches him in the Walls of Jericho. Mysterio reverses that to a rollup and Jericho is eliminated at 23:50! Edge sets up for a Spear but Mysterio avoids it and gets a rollup for two! A moonsault gets another two-count. A kick to the face gets yet another near-fall for Mysterio. He tries another moonsault but Edge catches him, and Mysterio reverses again for a DDT for another near-fall. Mysterio goes to the top rope and Edge knocks him down to the steel. Edge tries a powerbomb but Mysterio reverses it to a facebuster! Mysterio executes a reverse 619. Mysterio charges at Edge and gets thrown into the pod! Back in the ring Edge hits a Spear to get the pin at win his eighth World Title at 29:43. Edge losing his title early on but then leaving with the other belt is pretty awesome, and builds intrigue, since both World Titles are in the hands of Smackdown wrestlers now. I thought they’d have trouble living up to the first chamber match, but they did it.
Rating: ****¼

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Do you remember the first time you saw Monday Night RAW? Anyone who considers themselves a fan of professional wrestling or sports entertainment has to have seen RAW at least once in their life. For me, RAW has been more a habit and way of life moreso then just another television show. When I first became a wrestling fan back in 1995, RAW was among the first shows I started watching regularly. And no matter how bad it got and despite that little Nitro program, I remained loyal to the WWF brand. I sat through the T.L. Hoppers, The Goons, and Vince McMahon’s announcing because in my mind, this was the home team. Of course, it all also helped I was 11 and words like “workrate” and “moveset” entered my vernacular.

Forget the weekends. I love my Monday nights most of all because of what WWF had to offer. I was absolutely engrossed in the storylines involving Steve Austin, Mick Foley, The Rock, and even the real D-Generation X.

Over the last six months, my interest in RAW has eroded. I’d say slowly eroded, but at this point it just seems like I woke up one day and just began hating this program. There are a number of things I’ve grown tired of, three of which are the main eventers and alleged draws of this brand (and also the company).

I don’t know about you but it seems as though Triple H, Randy Orton, and John Cena have wrestled each other 500 times on Pay-Per-Views. I can’t even be made to care about yet another Orton/Cena match when the odds are good they’ll have another match, maybe as soon as September’s “Breaking Point.” And why should I care about Cena winning yet another world championship when’s been the champion so many times already. And who’s going to challenge him for said title? The Miz? Buried six feet under multiple times by Cena. Jack Swagger? Too busy in a mid-card feud with MVP. Big Show? No one wants to see that. That leaves Randy Orton and of course the king of this brand… Triple H.

And how about Triple H? Amazing how a guy could be on Smackdown for a year, yet it still feels like he’s been dominating RAW since the beginning of time. Of course he’s engaged in a rivalry with Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes. Since Hunter brought back his little buddy and trusty sidekick Shawn Michaels, you might as well just refer to The Legacy as The Spirit Squad. The group that I once was laughing with… I find myself laughing at. Here are two forty year old man acting like a pair of Looney Tunes. Beavis and Butthead have become Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. One can only hope Dibiase and Rhodes at least avoid being placed in a crate with the little F-C-W on the side.

As bad as the skits involving yet another reunion of D-X were, the more insulting aspects involved the guest hosts. It’s not that the concept of the hosts have ended up as a complete failure. It’s that the execution has led to some awful editions of the show I once made appointment television.

From Jeremy Piven referring to Summerslam as “Summerfest” to Dr. Ken being as annoying of a human being as you could possibly find , last week might have been rock bottom for this whole host thing. Seth Green was mildly entertaining, but he was only barely taller than the midget who wrestles on RAW Shaquille O’Neal has been the highlight so far in his appearance. That brings us to this week.

Sgt. Slaughter was the latest individual to ride the guest host carousel. I guess they were trying to capitalize on the film G.I. Joe coming out, but WWE was in Canada, making this decision all the more perplexing. Slaughter kept coming out to fool the fans of Canada into believing he was a babyface only to pull the rug from under the fans. It was two hours of WWE saying “Screw you Canada.” After everything that’s happened with the Hart clan and the Benoit tragedy, you’d think the WWE would show the loyal Canadian fans some live. But that would require WWE to care. It would require them to show some decency, to actually show some class in the face of everything that’s happened the last decade.

If there’s one thing WWE has shown, it’s that they don’t care about anyone. Not the workers who kill themselves for the fans. Not their announcers like Jim Ross who they’ve tried to fire multiple times. Not their fans who they make fun of and further insult by putting on crappy RAWs and ripping the fans off by charging 40 dollars for Pay-Per-Views that feature the same five guys over and over again. Summerslam is in some ways another example of this.

As far as the Wrestlemania of the summer goes, we’re ten days away and I feel no emotion towards it. There appear to be a few decent matches, but I just don’t have the confidence in this company to book a solid three hour show. I do know that if RAW continues its’ downward spiral, ESPN’s Monday Night Football will look all the more enticing.

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-Well, it’s time for another WWE Pay-Per-View. It’s the one night a year when all the championships are on the line. I’m not quite sure why a wrestling company would be proud of the fact that they have EIGHT title belts, but the WWE sure is. This card doesn’t look all that enticing but after Victory Road last week, I can almost guarantee this will be worlds better.

-Live from the same city Dragon Gate USA was taped the night before…

-Your hosts are Scooby-Doo, Fred, Welma, Daphne, Shaggy, and Scrappy

- Unified Tag Team Title Match: Chris Jericho and ???? © vs. Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes

Oooo, this isn’t good. This eliminates Dolph since he has to wrestle later on against Rey Rey. Jericho comes out to a rather large pop and it’s teased that he couldn’t find a partner. Oh God. Our first video package of the night as we see Edge’s injury. Do we really need to see that again? Even better is Jericho’s choice for a partner. The Big Show. What a fail to start this show.

- Unified Tag Team Title Match: Chris Jericho and The Big Show © vs. Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes

Show has a new singlet. Too bad he likely won’t have a new moveset. Show starts off against Rhodes and that goes as well as you might expect. Egads what a chop. Dibiase comes in and also doesn’t do very well. Jericho is tagged in and we see our first double team move. Crowd is absolutely silent for all of this. This is what happens when you have two heel tag teams starting the show off. Show almost kills Jericho by dropping him on DIbiase. Dibiase and Rhodes finally get the advantage when Dibiase pulls the top rope and Jericho flails over. They work him over a bit, but I think the problem is Legacy has been treated like such geeks that there is no credibility with the audience. Crowd appears to be behind Jericho and Show by default. Rhodes even breaks out a moonsault!!!! Wow, that was mildly interesting. The heat segment lasts seemingly forever although it’s the best Rhodes and Dibiase have looked in months. At least they managed to get some heat on their opponents. That lasts until Show gets tagged in. Spear gets a long two count. Rhodes is tossed but skins the cat. Dibiase dropkick but he suffers a Codebreaker. Show gets the Colossal Clutch for the submission.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 9:33/STILL Unified Tag Team Champions- Chris Jericho and The Big Show/**1/2

This was an alright match. Jericho really made this match as watchable as it was going to be. The pick of Show is a major disappointment. While he may at least wrestle mostly in tag matches, he also has the potential of wrestling on multiple brands. Very scary thought to be certain.

-Josh Mathews is in the back and brings in C.M. Punk. Punk then cuts one of the biggest promos of his entire career as he runs down the fans for their support of Jeff Hardy. He absolutely owned that audience for this segment. The only critique I have is this should have been on Smackdown Friday instead of the Pay-Per-View. Still this was excellent and adds a lot of interest (at least for me) to the world heavyweight championship match.

- ECW Title Match: Tommy Dreamer © vs. Christian

Guess that interview was a little too exciting since it’s back down the ladder we go. Even in Philadelphia, Dreamer can’t get a decent crowd reaction. Also, despite Christian being on the ECW brand, he still gets a pretty big star reaction. Slaps to start followed by a little back and forth. Christian takes over briefly as a smattering of “ECW” chants break out. Christian misses a dive to the outside as Dreamer then cannonballs his opponent. After a two count, Dreamer hits a powerslam. Christian comes back and starts working on the neck. He goes for the KIllswitch. That’s reversed but Christian then applies a sleeper. Dreamer does the old Vader/Cactus Jack spot, but Christian tenaciously locks the sleeper on again. This time both men end up on the outside of the ring. Christian misses an axehandler and is facebustered. Dreamer sets Christian in the tree of woe and gets the dropkick. Reverse DDT and a missile dropkick by Christian. He missed whatever from the top and Dreamer applies a terrible-looking Cloeverleaf. Series of pinning reversals before another dropkick. Both then go for their finishers. Christian gets the Killswitch at least for the 1-2-3.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 9:31/NEW ECW Champion- Christian/**

-Nothing special her, but Dreamer was just an atrocious champion. I’m very glad Christian is the ECW champion. Unfortunately, he’s now got the unenviable task of wrestling Kozlov. If he carries that lump to a good match, he’s the wrestler of the year for 2009.

-Dreamer and Christian share a moment.

-Summerslam commercial as they show all the stars of the company. Interesting to note Jeff Hardy is one of those featured.

-Tool Grisham interviews the Unified Tag Team Champions. This relationship is all about business. Jericho mentions Edge’s name again. That feud will be epic when it happens next year. Jericho needs to keep mentioning Edge’s name and keep the heat alive.

- US Title Six Pack Challenge Match: Kofi Kingston © vs. The Big Show vs. MVP vs. The Miz vs. Carlito vs. Jack Swagger

Lillian Garcia doesn’t royally screw up the rules at least. I also like how Show completely buried all of his opponents and is now not even in the match. Way to completely bury the United States. title. Least the match will be better. I’m not even going to try and describe all the action as all six men are just going at it in the ring. Things do settle down a bit as Primo takes some amount of control. He actually looks quite good until a Gutwrench powerbomb b y Swagger. MVP and Swagger continue their ongoing rivalry with some brawling. Nice dive by Carlito onto MVP. Kofi gets Swagger one-on-one momentarily, but Miz  goes after both men. Four men then do the required suplex/powerbomb spot that comes off as being very contrived. More brawling between the six men. Finally, we get Carlito and Kofi in the ring. Then Primo interjects himself. These three have a hell of a sequence with some nearfalls. Carlito and Primo begin double-teaming, but Swagger clotheslines both men. MVP takes control. Miz stops that in short order. The Colon Brothers work… nope, Carlito turns on his brother. Kofi finally gets Trouble in Paradise for a 1-2-3.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 8:37/STILL United States champion- Kofi Kingston/**3/4

This was an okay match, but I would have preferred to see two of these guys get cut so it could just be four guys instead of six. There was almost too much action to keep track of, but at least the action was good. It’d also be nice to see these six guys get elevated since these six being paired off in television feuds could provide a great deal of freshness to RAW. It’s amazing how sucky RAW has been the last couple months, but the reality is these six guys and Evan Bourne can inject life to this very stale show. Enough Hunter, Orton, Cena, Hornswaggle, and even Santino every single week. More Kofi, Miz, Swagger, and Bourne.

-Josh Mathews interviews Randy Orton. He says stuff. I zone out.

-WWE Women’s Title Match: Michelle McCool © vs. Melina

I thought this show was going to come to a complete halt with this match. I was wrong. Michelle immediately hits a dropkick on Melina while she’s doing her splits thing. Well, that’s a star right there and this is right away better than Jenna and Sharmell. Melina gets a little too fancy with some attempted maneuvers, but both of these girls at least are working hard. Melina misses a move on the second rope and ends up on the floor. McCool takes advantage as Melina gets to do the one thing she excels at. Selling. McCool hooks a half crab. McCool and Melina somehow end up on the security wall. Nasty-looking DDT by McCool. Damn, Melina’s head bounced. Melina comes back with screams and uses her leg strength. This is followed by a dive. Drop toehold on the second rope followed by a two knees by Melina. These two girls are really beating the tar out of each other. McCool gets a belly-to-belly suplex for two. Spear into the corner but Melina heel chops, dives, but McCool reverse into a roll-up for the three.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 6:13/STILL Women’s Champion- Michelle McCool/**3/4

-That rating is not a typo. This was probably one of the most enjoyable women’s matches I’ve ever seen from the WWE. It was physical and these two girls tried to do some different things. It wasn’t exactly pretty all the time, but I’ll give them points for trying. Also, you got the sense that these two girls really hated each other, and there was an heir of intensity that 99% of these women’s matches don’t have. Big surprise here.

- WWE Title Match: Randy Orton © vs. HHH vs. John Cena

An epicly long video package sets this match up. Then we get the longest entrances in the history of match. There’s 15 minutes right there that could have been used to give more time to some of the earlier matches. The other galling part of this match is the build-up actually included mention of this match taking place at Wrestlemania 24. Two years ago is forever in this era of television. Yet here these three are wrestling again. Orton leaves the ring, but the faces go after him. Chase is on inside the ring as well.  Faces work well together early as Orton can’t get any sort of advantage.  Finally, Orton knocks Cena to the outside off the apron onto Triple H. Orton brings Cena into the ring and goes to work. Cena comes back but as he’s about to finish the match, Hunter send Cena out. Orton gains the advantage once again. The heat just immediately dies. I mean absolutely leaves the building. Orton and Triple H have their usual sequence, and you can just tell that people are burned out. Oh lovely.  A chinlock by Orton. That will help the match quality out. The two punch back and forth and Orton hits a scoop slam. As he’s ready to hit the RKO, Hunter send him into the corner before hitting the DDT. Both struggle to get up. Cena climbs to the top rope and legdrops both men… barely.

Cena fires away but falls to a neckbreaker. Back to the outside goes Cena. Triple H tries a pedigree, but he’s also deposited to the outside as well. Cena climbs in and gets kicked in the chest. As Orton is about to DDT both men, he’s sent to the outside. Cena and Hunter glare at each other. They clash like two titans. We even get the whole “yay” “boo” thing. They counter through their usual including their finishers. Hunter takes definitive control with a spinbuster. Pedigree finally gets hit, but Orton pulls Triple H out of the ring. After being sent into the stairs, Orton gets the Smackdown announce table ready for usage. All three end up around the table. Orton is sent flying into the crowd. Cena hooks the STF ON THE TABLE (cause it’s more painful there). Orton punches Cena and throws him back inside.. More punching. RKO attempt is denied as Cena tosses Orton. Both end up at the top, but Hunter runs in. Hunter is sent into the top rope crotching Orton. STF finally locked in by Cena, but Superman powers out. Cena re-applies the hold. Orton misses the punt, but not before giving one of the oddest expressions I’ve ever seen in the history of wrestling. I wish you could all see what he did. Oy vey. It looked like he wanted to rape Cena. Roll-up (way he defeated Orton Monday) only gets two. Orton clotheline and beats up both heroes.

After the most boring beatdown ever, Cena chopblocks the left knee. Triple H also goes to work on the knee. Cena charges at Hunter, but the top rope is pulled down. Triple H applies the SHARPSHOOTER. Oh my God.  It’s fairly awful too. Cena finds his way back into the ring and applies the STF. Orton taps. Instead of ringing the bell, holding the belt up, and creating some drama for RAW, the referee stands there like a jackass. Legacy runs in. Orton hits an RKO  as Cena is about to give Cody an Attitude Adjustment for the three count.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 22:22/STILL WWE Champion- Randy Orton/***

-Nothing terribly wrong with the match but itself as all three guys know how to save a sound match. The ending was a little too cute for my liking since it essentially sets up yet another match between these three men again for Summerslam. I can’t see much more heat being built up between these three since everyone is so tired of these guys wrestling each other in various combinations. I know that I want to see them separated for a long long time and see someone… ANYONE… get elevated.

-Funny backstage skit with Maryse and Miz.  These two are such douches that they need to be put together. Miz calls Maryse a tease and rips on her. Awesome.

- Divas Title Match: Maryse © vs. Mickie James

I had high hopes for this match since Mickie is one of the better female talents in WWE and Maryse is one of the more charismatic Divas in the company. The problem is Maryse cannot wrestle at all. The crowd, which actually showed some enthusiasm in the last match, took this opportunity to cool down big time. Faint “We want puppies” chant. Other than that, no dice. Crowd doesn’t care. I don’t care, Maryse applies a resthold. Still, it’s better than Jenna and Sharmell. This match is getting an awful lot of time. Maryse gets the hairspray, but James counters. Referee takes the can away. Mickie beats on Maryse outside the ring. Back inside and Maryse does more restholds. Oh boy. Mickie is pissed. She stiffs her with a punch and clothesline. Maryse just won’t die. Ugh. FINALLY a leaping DDT gets three.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 8:38/NEW Divas Champion-Mickie James/*

-This match was absolutely abysmal. Maryse is horrible, and she really needs to be used as a manager or a non-wrestler. Even using her in tag team situations is preferable to this. Also, whoever gave this eight minutes was a complete fool. Five of these minutes should have been given to one of the next two matches since it appears they’re once again going to get shorted. You’d think a company that’s been doing three hour Pay-Per-Views for 25 years would have this figured out by now.

-Interview with the Legacy geeks. Apparently, it’s just swell they didn’t win the tag team titles because Orton retained his belt. Dibiase even buries the tag belts in the middle of all of this.

- WWE IC Title Match: Rey Mysterio © vs. Dolph Ziggler

No idea what they went ahead and aired the stupid video package for this match. Jesus. Maria accompanies Dolph. I can’t believe they’re actually going to go with that pairing. Maria is a pretty girl, but does she actually have any discernible talent other than being hot?

Dropkick by Dolph starts things off. He basically uses aggressiveness and some power moves early on. Rey comes back with an f’ed up headscissors before Ziggler reverses things with a powerbomb into the turnbuckle. Headlock by Dolph and this crowd is either burned out or they’re not buying a title switch. My hunch is this is a combination of both. Another headscissors sends Ziggler into the corner. Legdrop and crossbody gets two for Rey Rey. . Powerslam by Dolph gets a two. Attempted suplex gets reversed and Ziggler is sent outside. Rey Rey leaps on him. Dolph kicks Rey in the face but a Tiger Bomb fails. 619 countered and now Rey Rey gets tossed outside the ring. Punches lead into a chinlock. Another powerslam only gets two. Leaping elbow drop also gets two. Really nothing technically wrong with the match, but no one is buying a title switch.  Full nelson. Ziggler tries more power moves but cannot get the three. Even the beginnings of a Mysterio comeback doesn’t get much of a pop. HUGE  dropkick by Ziggler as Mysterio jumps off the top rope. Only a two count again. Ziggler misses a charge, but manages to hit a top rope gutbuster. 619 and splash come out of nowhere and get three

-Time/Winner/Rating: 14:23/STILL IC champion- Rey Mysterio/***

If the crowd gave a lick about this match or there was the sense that the championship could possibly change hands, I would give this ***1/2 without feeling much guilt about it. As it is, it was just a good match and not much more.

- World Title Match: CM Punk © vs. Jeff Hardy

Pretty incredible that these two guys are closing the show. Good for both involved, especially Punk since this is his first main event on a Pay-Per-View. Crowd chants for Hardy pretty emphatically. Punk is just absolutely playing the smarmy heel at this point and doing a lot of trash-talking early on in the match. Good fast-paced start before Punk applies a chinlock. Missed dive by Punk of all people and Hardy capitalizes with a neckbreaker. He goes for the swanton, but Punk rolls outside. Hardy misses a dive of his own. Punk wants the referee to count Hardy out.  Hardy comes in at eight, and Punk works him over some more. Three people in the front row take Jeff Hardy very seriously as they stomp their feet and pound the security wall with a fiery passion. If only the rest of the crowd was this passionate about anything that’s happened tonight. Hardy with a second rope implant DDT and the crowd goes… apathetic. Ugh. I hate Philadelphia. Both guys are on their feet and they exchange rights. Hardy tries the swanton again and Punk knocks him down. Running knee but the bulldog fails. Whisper in the wind only gets two. By the way, the look of feigned shock on Punk’s face when he hit the knee was brilliant. Swanton misses again. Welcome to Chicago leads to a modified dragon sleeper. Hardy gets to the ropes Punk is ready with more kicks and strikes. Hardy gets a Twist of Fate. He takes his shirt off and the swanton fails again. This time, Punk gets the knees up. Punk goes to the top now. Series of reversals leads to a Go 2 Sleep. ONLY TWO. Another try and again only two. Third time once again gets only two.  Punk grabs his title belt and heads to the back. Ross accidentally says the word belt, and Grisham quickly mentions Punk taking his title back. Hardy send Punk back into the ring and finally hits the swanton. 1-2-3. New champion.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 14:58/NEW World Heavyweight Champion- Jeff Hardy/***1/2

I love how they have a brand new heel who they gave a ton of promo time to earlier in the show… and have him job. They had him lose two non-title matches to John Morrison. Now this. What the hell is WWE thinking about? Do they even care about giving their heels heat? I guess not since he got jobbed out here. The match itself was really quite good, but why should I want to see yet another match between these two when it’s obvious to a lot of people Hardy is leaving but Punk has basically been treated like a loser the last month.

Final Thoughts: The crowd hurt this show a lot as many of the matches had zero heat. Nothing was overtly bad except the Divas title match, and even in that case the right woman won. I guess the problem with WWE right now is I have a complete dispassionate response to much of what they do. Instead of letting a young guy team with Jericho, they put the very stale Big Show in the slot. The same three guys were the RAW main event that have been in the main event the last three years.

My thumb is firmly in the middle for Night of Champions. Nothing really spectacular but not anything offensive . Only real pleasant surprise turned out to be the women’s title match. And again, I’m not kidding about that.

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Last week was the best. This is the worst. Less formal and more of me getting on a soapbox.

Please Retire… PLEASE!- Kurt Angle, Mick Foley, Kevin Nash, Sting

Four people can share this award because they all need to retire once and for all. Some of the reasons are obvious, such as being old. In Mick Foley and Kurt Angle’s cases, it’s to the point where I’m legitmately concerned for their health. I don’t want to see what happened to Misawa happen to either of these guys. Angle is a guy who’s had a history of neck problems and just seems to be the walking wounded at all times. Mick Foley retired back in 2000, but for some reason has developed this idea in his head that he can still be just as good and do all kinds of crazy stuff. Mick is 44 years old. He’s got a beautiful wife and a litter of young children. What in the blue hell does he have to prove? You’re telling me that being yelled at Vince McMahon is worse than pissing away your legacy in a second rate company being propped up by an energy company. Mick could have inducted the Funk brothers this year, but instead he’s working in the damn circus. Fitting that he brought a clown to last week’s IMPACT.

Sting and Nash are just old. Nash does have his share of injuries, but he just looks like an old man while Sting won’t take a bump for anyone. I think all four of these gentlemen can still serve in some capactity like announcing, managing, or even training guys in the case of Kurt Angle, but they need to retire.

Worst Match of the Year- The Submission Squad vs. Davey Vega & Gary The Barn Owl (King of Trios 2009, Night 2)

This was an easy choice. I didn’t want to pick a match from an independent wrestling show because I think it’s unfair to hold these folks to the same standard as the wrestlers who appear for WWE and TNA. That being said, this match sucked. Sooooo much. On what turned out to be an amazing night of wrestling, this set a new standard for poor wrestling. There were botched spots galore, and the crowd was sitting on their hands or getting nachos. If this wasn’t a family show, the crowd would have told them to get out of the ring. I wish we could have channeled ECW for a brief moment and could see the Sandman beat all of these losers up. This was meant to be an “LWA showcase.” Well, the only thing it showcased was how bad this company must suck.

Worst Wrestler of the Year- The Bella Twins

I refuse to pick a wrestler from the independent wrestling scene for this award. To me, the Bellas represent everything wrong with the WWE women’s division. They’re absolutely terrible in the ring, sucking up match after match after match. Then outside the ring, they’re portrayed as basically being whores. The story of the incident in FCW with Bret Hart did not help their cause either.

Worst Company of the Year- CZW

See the Nick Gage incident for an illustration why this company is a boil on the ass of any real independent wrestling that tries to run a professional show. This company needs to die and the people who continue to support this crap should be ashamed of themselves.

Worst Non-Wrestling Personality- Mike Hogewood

At first, I was mildly amused by Mr. Hogewood on the ROH television show. Over the last few weeks, he’s just started to annoy the heck out of me. His lame catchphrases are only a small part of why he’s become one of the worst aspects of a television show that’s made ROH look more mundane then even the the two big companies. It’s not anything to do with his knowledge of the sport or anything like that. He’s just annoying and everything that ROH has become about lately. Goofy and more wacky. The company used to treat wrestling as a sport. Now it’s just product.

Worst Feud- John Cena vs. The Big Show

I’ve seen these guys wrestle about four or five times, and it just continues to be bad match after match. Cena has been hurt so badly by this garbage, and Show seems to get fatter and fatter. Michael Cole on commentary for many of these matches doesn’t help since he cannot credibility tell a decent story when these guys are in the ring. People likely stopped caring a long time ago, but WWE refuses to end this feud.

Biggest FAIL- RAW

I don’t really have a defined explanation for what this award means, but there is no consistently bad aspect of professional wrestling then WWE Monday Night RAW. This is a show that used to be the flagship and the highlight of my week. Now it’s a two hour chore. All of the upper card wrestlers are wicked stale. Michael Cole takes the announcing down about three pegs. Vince McMahon insists on making himself an active part of the show. And then there’s the feuds. There are two horrific feuds going, one of which I’ve already mentioned and the other being between Triple H and Randy Orton. There is no consistently worse booking (other thenIMPACT) the RAW. It’s made even worse considering how awesome this show used to be.

So that’s 2009 so far everyone. At the end of the year, you’ll hear from a lot of other folks who write for this website about the best and worse in professional wrestling. For now, enjoy the rest of 2009 and let me know what you guys think have been the best and worst parts of 2009.

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Hello everybody, welcome back to “In the Raw”. Going into this week I was optimistic, you might even say joyful. You see, I was under the assumption that after last week’s horrid episode, that it couldn’t get any worse and truly was going to be better this week. Why did I think this you ask? Because, I’m an optimist and a moron. That my friend is what we call a “deadly combination” (like a hot chick who is really smart). So let’s get to this episode of TV. 

Batista Promo

Batistia is out in the ring cutting a promo saying he did all of this for the fans and for Ric Flair. He did it for those of us who are sick and tired of the antics of “The Viper” Randy Orton (why didn’t that nickname stick?), this of course is when Orton comes out. Once in the ring Orton stares a hole through Batista’s head (figuratively but you have to admit that’d be pretty sweet), and that is when Rhodes and DiBiase come on out and they ambush Batista. What ensues is pretty cool because the WWE is allowing these three men to get heat! No way quicker to get heat than to take out the top babyface. Of course this was all done to cover up Batista’s very really tendon tear in his bicep. They finally stretcher Batista out, and moments after “having his armed snapped” (King’s words not mine), he seems very very calm and like he is no pain at all. As he’s being put into the ambulance he keeps saying that he wants his title. Let me tell you something, I’ve broken both of my elbows in my life and for the hour after the incident happened all I could think about was “Oh my god, oh my god, this hurts like hell!!!”. Not once did my mind wander, and Big Dave’s shouldn’t after he GOT HIS ARMED SNAPPED!!!! Welcome to Bad Booking 101 today’s subject: under-selling!

Kofi Kingston VS William Regal

Regal says that during this trying times, we don’t need a Jamaican as our United States Champion. We need someone with class, and he can be our savior (not to be confused with Enrique Ingleses who can be our hero baby). Something occurred to me during his promo, what if Regal wins and then throws the United States Championship to the ground saying he doesn’t wish to hold the piece of garbage, then the following week brings back the European Championship? Not only would this get him over as an arrogant prick, but it’d also bring back a title more prestigious (to me anyways) than the US Championship. Anyways, Kofi wins the match and retains his championship with the Trouble In Paradise.

Legacy promo

Orton informs everyone that tonight he’s invoking his rematch clause, and that Batista has until the count of ten to make it to the ring or Randy Orton is champion. This perplexed me due to WWE having the rule that belts cannot change hands under count out. What is this TNA? Anyways, Josh Matthews (who is conducting the interview) doesn’t believe Orton, and Orton tells him to go ask Vickie. Honestly, that part of the promo truly felt like a little child talking to his sibling.

Maryse VS Kelly Kelly

Mickie James was the special guest commentator for this match (which is always nice seeing her), and it was mentioned if Mickie were to win the Diva’s Championship, she’d be the first woman to hold both the Women’s Championship, and the Diva’s Championship. Marsye ended up defeating Kelly Kelly. They plugged how next week’s Raw is 3 hours long and all 3 titles will be defended. This is bad news for me, because 2 hours of Raw booking drives me insane, so three hours will have me turning into Michael Myers (the killer not the comedian who was once funny).

Lawler and Cole (VINTAGE!) make some swine flu jokes and show highlights from Vickie VS Santina. Actually, it seemed like they showed the entire thing to me, which is sad because that sucked just about as much as that Jackie Gayda match. This segment proved that WWE is out of touch with what’s funny these days, as swine flu jokes stopped being funny about a week after it all started.

Vickie Interview

Vickie says that indeed Batista will “defend” his championship against Orton tonight, and that she also has a huge announcement that will “change Raw forever”. They’re firing the writing staff?!

Jamie Noble, Brian Kendrick, and Chavo Gurrero VS Santino Marella, Goldust, and Festus

A few interesting things in this match, one of them being that apparently this Festus character (who I was unfamiliar with but apparently had been with WWE for quite sometime) seems to have stolen a bit of Delirious’ shtick. When the bell rings, both men go crazy. I’m calling gimmick infringement. The other interesting thing was the heel team, my god they could do wonders together. The thought of these three being a normal team sounds very good to me. Hell, the thought of Kendrick and Noble being a solid tag team sounds very very good to me. Santino beats Jamie Noble with a rollup.

John Cena VS The Miz

The match never got started due to Big Show coming on down and putting the hurt on Cena. Big Show puts Cena in the Camel Clutch, then Miz nails Big Show with multiple chair shots before turning his attention to an out cold Cena. Something I don’t like about this “feud” is The Miz claiming he’s undefeated against Cena. Of course you’re undefeated, you’ve never truly faced one another. I’m 100-0 in matches against Terry Funk so shut it Miz.

MVP VS Matt Hardy

You know, out of all the terrible things in WWE right now, this is something I can get behind. The United States Championship is being built up week in and week out with young guys vying for it. It’s simple and straight to the point. No need for convoluted storylines of why Wrestler A is facing Wrestler B, just good old fashioned wrestling. Now if they could only give the matches more than five minutes, I’d be happy as hell. MVP wins via pinfall after the Playmaker.

Vickie Gurrero promo

Vickie comes out and announces that she’s stepping down as Raw General Manager, which is a mixed bag for me. On one hand, I hate her; on the other she is the biggest constant source of heat in the company. Edge comes out and makes fun of Vickie, which provides more evidence of my theory that they’re going to turn Edge face very soon.

John Cena promo

Cena cuts his usual promo, but with one minor change: he’s not selling a damn thing that just took place. Instead he’s standing there with sweat, not even a tad bit of pain on his face after being assaulted by a steel chair. Maybe he IS Superman after all.

Ted DiBiase JR and Cody Rhodes VS Carlito and Primo Colon

Nice little tag team contest in this. DiBiase and Rhodes win it when DiBiase pins Primo. Apparently, now next week DiBiase and Rhodes get a shot at the Unified Tag Team Championship. If they win, or even have a long feud with Carlito and Primo, then that’d be another good thing WWE does.

Randy Orton VS Batista

Orton comes down to the ring and is flanked by DiBiase and Rhodes. After the introductions for both men, the ref signals for the bell and begins to count. They show backstage that the ambulance is back, and this prompts the ref to stop counting at 9, which pissed me off. Just because he MIGHT be there doesn’t mean you stop counting. The rules stated that he must be IN THE RING by the count of ten, not outside in a gods damned ambulance. The camera then cuts back and forth from the ring to the ambulance several times, finally revealing that it’s Triple H and not Batista. Oh joy. Triple H comes to the ring, but Rhodes and DiBiase run up the ramp in an attempt to stop him. Silly tag team, he’s on the booking team he can’t be stopped by you guys! HHH quickly lays out both men, and then focuses his attention on Orton. Before getting in the ring, Trips drops his trusty sledgehammer to the ground, which made me hopeful that he’d decide to turn heel in that very moment. Sadly, he rushes the ring and then kills all heat that Orton worked so very hard to gain earlier in the night. The show then ends when Triple H gives Orton the Pedigree onto a steel chair. Once the WWE logo flashed, I lost it. In no way whatsoever does that solve their problem of their Champion being on the injured list. Why the f*** would you book the stipulation that Batista had to make it to the ring by ten, only to throw the match out? A better way would have been at the top of the show once Legacy destroyed Batista, have Orton invoke his rematch clause then and there and pin Batista to regain his championship. Instead, we’ve got a hurt champion, a heel with 0% heat, and the boss’s daughter’s husband as the top face once more. Sometimes I wish I had decided to cover TNA instead.

Well, that’s all for this week folks. I hope you enjoyed Raw more than I did, and I’ll see you back here next week for the three-hour edition. Until then, good night and good luck.

 

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Hello everyone, welcome back to “In the Raw”. Let’s get this thing started:

 

The Legacy (Orton, DiBiase Jr, and Rhodes) are in the ring cutting a promo. The usual schtick of how he’s going to beat Batista, then he flips a coin to see who will face Batista tonight. Rhodes “wins” the coin toss”.  Orton then exits the cage to signify his victory this Sunday, and Ric Flair comes out. Flair proceeds to cut a promo calling Orton a punk several times and challenges Orton to a fight in the parking lot later tonight. Orton of course accepts.

Batista VS Cody Rhodes: Batista hits the spear and the Batista Bomn on Rhodes to win a short match.

Backstage Big Show is in Vickie’s office along with Chavo. Big show complains about having to team with The Miz tonight. They both say that’s fine because Cena is going to have a partner he doesn’t like. Vickie produces a bag full of names of “everyone on the Raw roster”, and tells Show to reach on in and grab one. Show reaches in and pulls out Chavo’s name.

Kelly Kelly and Mickie James VS Maryse and Beth Phoenix: Maryse pins Kelly with a DDT.

The Colon’s VS Matt Hardy and William Regal: Carlito hits the backstabber for the win in a tag match that I enjoyed.

The Miz and Big Show VS John Cena and Chavo Gurrero: The finish comes when Big Show knocks The Miz out, and Chavo grabs the pinfall victory. Chavo tries to celebrate with Cena, but Cena gives him the FU. Cena and Show then fight, until Show is able to knock out Cena with a big punch. He then proceeds to put on the Camel Clutch. This match shows how far ahead WWE thinks. They have these two booked in a Submission match, and the week before the PPV they realize Big Show has no submission moves established.

Kofi Kingston VS MVP United States Championship match: Kofi wins with a rollup in a nice match that was clearly the match of the night.

Vickie VS Santio Marella: Vickie brings two buckets of “slop” to the ring with her. Santino tries to throw one of them on Vickie, but Hardy and Regal take the brunt of it. After being covered with “slop” Regal and Hardy proceed to beat Santino down. Once he’s laid out in the middle of the ring, Vickie pours the other bucket onto Santino.

Randy Orton VS Ric Flair: Well, now I can really rant. This match was a bad idea from the second whatever moron writer thought of it. Orton goes to the parking lot and is looking around as if he’s scared….and yet he’s the heel in all this. Flair comes out of nowhere and dominates Orton more or less all the way out to the ring area. Flair slaps the Figure Four onto Orton on the announce table, prompting DiBiase and Rhodes to run down and put the beatdown on Flair. So, the WWE Champion couldn’t beat up the man who qualifies for AARP, but the two midcarders who get destroyed week in and week out can? They throw Flair into the ring (where the cage has been lowered), and then lock Orton in there with Flair all alone. Batistsa runs down to ringside once the door is locked, chasing off DiBiase and Rhodes. Batista then shakes the cage trying to break the walls, and/or break the lock on the cage. I guess the big dumby didn’t think of CLIMBING THE CAGE!!! Orton nails the RKO on Flair, and a very weak weak punt. The show goes off the air with Batista and Orton staring one another down with Batista yelling at Orton “I’m going to break you in half!!” which is HIGHLY unlikely.

To express how much this show sucked is nearly impossible. I guess the best way I can describe it is imagine if THAT Jackie Gayda match had a child with the movie Glitter. Yeah, it was bad. Clearly not the best “Go Home” show they’ve ever done. Until next week, I’m Zane Thornsberry.

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