Pro Wrestling Ponderings

You see what I did there with the title? Because the TNA show was called “No Surren…” ah, forget it.

It’s time for yet another week of “I’m With Stupid,” and I’ve got to say…I don’t know what to do. For the FIRST time in the (admittedly brief) history of this column, yours truly had a difficult time selecting the “Stupid Person of the Week,” since we’ve gone a full seven days without some moron in the wrestling world publicly making a fool of themselves.

As a result, this week’s “Stupid Person of the Week” will get it for something more related to, you know, wrestling. Perhaps it will be a dumb booking decision; perhaps it will be a kayfabe thing. READ ON TO FIND OUT!!!

TNA: Before I talk about “No Surrender,” which I will be covered in depth in a few paragraphs, let me talk about the Impact that immediately preceded it. This was the first “bad” Impact in a while, but it wasn’t hideously awful. In general, I had problems with the fact that this is the show before a pay-per-view and yet the entire show seemed to be built around short matches with little hype and throwaway garbage.

And that leads me to the obligatory “Cody Deaner is Slowly Killing Me” moment for the week. I think we’ve gone into great detail about how much I loathe this entire storyline, and I know I’m not alone on this.

I get it – Deaner’s an idiot who wants the Knockouts Championship in an apparent effort to make every intelligent fan’s head explode. Or something. But is it really necessary to have him bury every woman on the roster?

Look TNA, let’s strike a deal – if you promise to keep Cody Deaner out of my line of sight, I’ll promise to make my Impact rundowns shorter.

Wait, TNA, you hired Ed Ferrara? Never mind.

Now that this angle is hopefully behind us forever though (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, KNOCK ON WOOD) because Deaner got beaten by ODB in a match that helped neither of them, there are some other problems. Namely Abyss. It’s like we went back in time to when every stupid angle was centered on “The Monster.” All the stupid backstage stuff is killing my interest (again) in the character. And to top it off, his match with Kevin Nash was absolutely God awful.

I’ll admit that that was what I was expecting, but still, if everyone knows a match is going to be hideously awful, then maybe, just maybe, it shouldn’t be booked.

“No Surrender” also had several other moments that were pure awful. Apart from the ODB/Deaner match and the Abyss/Nash debacle, I had two principle problems.

First off, the Bobby Lashley/Rhino match was pure stupidity. I know that Bobby needs to look strong, but his first match didn’t have to be against a guy who’s been a champion of the company. Anybody who bought the pay-per-view to see Bobby Lashley wrestle (and to be honest, I’m not one of them) did so because it was a chance to see him wrestle, not a chance to see Lashley wrestle. His match could have been against anyone. Hell, it could have been a squash against Cody Deaner.

I would have paid twice to see that.

The other complaint was the treatment of Hernandez. Why waste him cashing in to basically write him out of the title match? Is he getting another shot? Should I care? Honestly, I HATED the way this was booked.

WWE
Superstars: Welcome back to the “I’m With Stupid” fold, D-show! For the first time in a while, Superstars did something that got on my radar, and it was the same thing as the last time I mentioned: “Ask the Divas!”

Look, this was by no means awful, but I always have beef when a stupid segment is thrown onto a one hour show. You’ve got only a few minutes to build with, and segments like this do nothing for anyone.

Smackdown: Khali-Kane. Khali-Kane. Khali-Kane. Please, please, PLEASE let it be over.

In other news, I’ve really left the Dolph Ziggler stuff out of “IWS” for awhile now, but I’m getting sick of it. Where is this going? I’m assuming we’ll see a Diva feud develop out of this, but I honestly could not care any less than I do.

The Raw: Cedric the Entertainer sucked. I don’t like to talk Wrestlecrap too much, but if the whole “Raw Guest Host” thing doesn’t win Gooker of the Year, I will be amazed; yes, there have been some good hosts (Dusty, Bob Barker to an extent, DiBiase, Shaq) but for the most part, it’s taken most of my willpower to not fast forward through every time I see the Guest Host of the Week. And wouldn’t you know it, I didn’t watch Raw live this week!

I didn’t skirt my duties, though; I sat, and I watched, and I tried to not to hit the forward pointing arrows on my remote. So I got to hear about the son of Cowboy Bob Thorton, Mark Henry being the Kool Aid Man, and of course, how much Cedric loves “The Raw.”

And to make matters worse, Chavo Guerrero’s Burial of the Week continues with him now facing off with someone who has never wrestled before…AND his feud with Hornswoggle isn’t over at all!

For those that missed it (and be thankful you did), Chavo faced Cedric this week. Mid match, Cedric went under the ring, only for a large masked man dressed like Cedric to come out from underneath the ring. He beat up Chavo, only for Hornswoggle to jump out and hit the Tadpole Splash. So Cedric is now jobbing simultaneously to a midget and a guy who has never wrestled. Unbelievable.

I’ll ask it again: who did Chavo tick off? Why is it necessary to bury him every week when he’s actually a talented worker?

Before I move on to ECW, I would like to mention that despite the fact that she absolutely sucked on the microphone for the last two years plus, it is sad to see Lilian Garcia go; she has been a part of Raw for just way too long. Word is that the girl taking over Smackdown’s announcing duties is smoking hot, though, so I’ll likely be able to deal.

ECW: I honestly don’t care what anyone else says, I *hate* the Abraham Washington show. It’s just like Superstars. You get ONE HOUR to develop storylines and feuds, why waste time with this stupidity? I will admit that it led to more Sheamus stuff and that’s a good thing AND that it led to more Shelton stuff and that’s an AWESOME thing, but can anyone tell me why this needed to happen on this dumb segment?

On a positive note, Christian vs. Ryder kicked all kinds of rear end. I conditionally take back my badmouthing of Ryder. For now.

Stupid Person of the Week: As I’ve already mentioned, this week’s “Stupid Person of the Week” is the first to earn the dubious distinction solely on the merits of what they did in their respective company in front of the entire world (not counting Lilian Garcia’s horrible botch at SummerSlam.)

In honor of the Emmys, the nominees are:
TNA: Hernandez – for cashing in his title shot, only to get taken out of the match and looking like an idiot.

Cody Deaner – for wasting valuable airtime on Impact AND on pay-per-view.

Whoever Hired Ed Ferrara (probably Vince Russo) – for hiring Ed Ferrara, and for that matter, for probably being Vince Russo.

WWE: Chavo Guerrero – for taking a dump on Vince McMahon’s salad (the only explanation I’ve got right now).

Cedric the Entertainer – for horribly botching his opening promo AND being involved in a debacle of a match.

Jeff Hardy – because it was such a slow week, he might just deserve it again!

Miscellaneous: Me – for watching all of this crap every week.

While I’m strongly tempted to go with either myself or Cody Deaner (who, I feel will get Stupid Person of the Year even if I never give him the weekly award), I have to go with Cedric the Entertainer! You can pick up the award when you finally become entertaining.

That’s it for this week. Hopefully someone in the wrestling world will commit a crime so I don’t have to do a nominee list again, because I’m sure Ernst and Young botched the ballot counting.

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Welcome back to the only weekly column where yours truly rants and raves about the mental impairment of those in the wrestling world! It’s been quite the week both in the ring and in the news, but before I jump in, I have to announce a new feature for “I’m With Stupid.”

When I first got the idea to do this column, I wanted to list the dumbest moments of the week, with the thing I deemed “most stupid” getting an award. When I re-tooled the column before publication, gone was the list and instead the recap format was chosen. Events this week have convinced me to bring one aspect of the original idea to your computer screens. So, starting this week, I will crown one person The Stupidest Person of the Week!

Since this is only the second column, I can take the liberty to go back in time and crown someone from last week the first ever winner. I barely mentioned this person in the inaugural edition, but this particular person managed, in the span of only a few seconds, to completely ruin one of the World Title matches at Summer Slam. So, Week 1’s Stupidest Person of the Week is none other than Lilian Garcia! Congratulations on COMPLETELY botching the result of the WWE Championship match, confusing the crowd, and taking a lot of momentum away from the entire show, Ms. Garcia! As a plus, given your propensity for botches on pay-per-view, I’m sure this will not be your last time winning this award!

Now, on to the week in stupidity!

TNA: Before I discuss Impact, let’s start with some wrestling news. Just two weeks removed from Kurt Angle’s arrest, the one-and-only Daniels got caught driving while impaired. According to reports, Daniels registered a 0.14 on a Breathalyzer while in North Carolina on Friday.

Hasn’t TNA gotten enough bad press in the last few weeks? Their road agents need to really hammer in that the boys need to be on their best behavior for the next few months. The last thing they need is more of this kind of press.

Impact was, again, quite good. If you didn’t catch my Impact review from late last week, you’ll see that I enjoyed the hell out of the in-ring product in almost all cases. Hamada’s debut was excellent and the six man main event worked well. There were, however, two moments that demand my attention.

In retrospect, I understand why Rhino destroyed Jesse Neal the way he did. If Rhino’s going to face Bobby Lashley, he needs to be built up. Having him destroy Neal and then lose via DQ isn’t the way to do it. Rhino looks like he has problems controlling himself against jobbers; he doesn’t look like someone who’s going to seriously challenge Bobbo.

The real crap of this week’s Impact was the segment with Foley, Abyss, ODB, and Cody Deaner. Abyss’s role wasn’t that bad, plus he got some groceries out of it. This ODB/Deaner stuff HAS to stop, though. It just has to. Deaner referencing The Hangover and then making a Chuck Norris reference to justify his getting the Knockouts Title caused my already precariously low IQ to drop significantly. The fact that the belt is being held up and that TNA might actually consider making a man the champion of the Knockouts Division makes me think that they want to kill it while they’re trying to build it up with their Tag Titles. It reminds me of when WCW instituted the Cruiserweight Tag Titles because they had killed the real Cruiserweight Title dead.

WWE: Again, let’s split it by show.

Superstars: Superstars bounced back in a big way this week, but this “Ask the Divas” garbage needs to never happen again. I do not need to hear Alicia Fox’s big hint about when a girl is into me, nor do I care what Mickie James thinks on the subject. Moving on!

Smackdown: No Kane-Khali? NO COMPLAINTS. Smackdown was excellent this week.

Raw: Too bad the same can’t be said for Raw. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I was actually entertained by Raw this week (an odd break from the norm) and I loved the Dusty/DX comedy stuff (especially with a reference to the Shockmaster!), but there was still a whole lot of stupidity.

I don’t know what happened to Gail Kim. When she was on TNA she was one of the premier women’s wrestlers in the world. Now? She’s seriously delving into Rhaka Khan territory after Monday’s six diva battle royal and the disaster a few weeks back with Mickie James. Is her gimmick that she’s forgotten how to wrestle and needs to be re-taught? Honestly, I can get down with that, but I need to know. I’m sure the segments of her learning how to wrestle again would be a hell of a lot funnier than the next segment I simply must talk about.

I know I mentioned it last week, but I’m sick of Hornswoggle/Chavo. It now feels like these matches have been going on for an eternity. We get it. Chavo keeps getting outsmarted and nobody backstage likes him. I’m sure next week when Hornswoggle bests Chavo at Plinko, only Michael Cole will be laughing, and that’s only because Vince will be screaming “LAUGH DAMMIT” into the headset. Everyone else will just be sitting, waiting for these painful segments to end.

ECW: When it was announced on Raw that Taker-Michaels from Mania XXV would be shown on ECW, besides immediately thinking ‘RATINGS GRAB,’ I had to think that WWE’s opinion of the Extreme Brand was even lower than assumed.

WWE: “We’re gonna use a portion of your show to rebroadcast a match from WrestleMania. You know, that show where your title wasn’t defended!”

ECW: “We’ve sort of got a lot going on right now. We’re building a Christian-Regal feud and we need time to develop it. Plus we need to get Regal’s stable over.”

WWE: “Regal has a stable?”

ECW: “Yeah, with Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov.”

WWE: “…Those guys are still employed?”

ECW: “Didn’t you watch our match at SummerSlam?”

WWE: “To be honest, we took a bathroom break.”

ECW: “Right. So anyway, we’re also trying to build up Sheamus.”

WWE: “Who the Hell is Sheamus?”

ECW: “The Irish guy.”

WWE: “Finlay?”

ECW: “No. The young Irish guy.”

WWE: “Hornswoggle?”

ECW: “No. He’s not young, he’s a dwarf. The tall, young Irish guy.”

WWE: “Are you sure this guy’s under contract?”

ECW: “Trust us. We’re developing him.”

WWE: “Sure you are. And if he does get built up like you’re saying, we’ll just take him off your hands!”

ECW: “Isn’t this why our ratings are down? Our brand getting raided, leaving us with nothing and then forcing us to rebuild?”

WWE: “Yeah. Pretty much. But your fix of making people care about the guys you’ve got is gonna take too long, so forget what you’re doing; we’re gonna show clips of Taker-Michaels.”

ECW: “Clips?”

WWE: “Yeah! I mean, we’ve got to give you some time for your show, right? We’ll show five minutes of it set to music.”

ECW: “You think ratings will be spiked by advertising a five minute clip of Taker-Michaels?”

WWE: “Well, we’re gonna imply it’s the full match in advertising.”

ECW: “You really want to just piss off everyone who watches us so we can be cancelled. That’s got to be it.”

WWE: “Pretty much. Yeah.”

That conversation happened almost word for word. I’m sure of it.

Oh yeah; Tony Atlas needs to be punched in the voice box.

All of this brings us to The Stupidest Person of the Week. While Daniels nearly got it with his DWI, the simple fact of the matter is that this week’s SPOTW has to be, without question, Rey Mysterio!

Wellness violations are bad, but probably not worthy of being called “stupid” on the level of a DWI. But Rey’s is a special case. Let’s examine:

First, and this is probably the least important reason Rey deserves this week’s award, Rey is forced into dropping the Intercontinental Title much, much sooner than he wanted. For those that don’t know, (according to dirt sheets) he petitioned to keep the title, holding off on the Dolph Ziggler title win because he felt his previous reign was too short. Getting popped for Wellness now, in the middle of that reign he petitioned for, makes him look like an idiot.

Second, Mysterio should know better given the people he has surrounded himself with in the past. While steroids were probably not the primary factor in the death of Eddie Guerrero, they most certainly played a part. Likewise, given that Mysterio was a patient of Dr. Phil Astin (the guy who gave a whole lot of steroids to Chris Benoit), he should have considered himself lucky for not getting in huge trouble then and stayed away. I admit this isn’t as bad as when Harry Smith got busted for steroids even though they killed his father, but come on. The man should know better.

Third, the excuse he gave to Record, a Mexican newspaper, cemented his status as Stupid Wrestler of the Week. I know that when I’m on vacation and doing promotional tours that I’m just having too much fun to care about my pending suspension and can’t be bothered to show the prescription for the banned substances I’m taking. Apparently, I’m not alone. Seriously: Mysterio knows what’s on the list of banned substances for WWE. If he had a prescription like he claims (and believe me, I don’t buy that for one second), he probably should have provided it when he took the drug test, rather than try to blame the company for giving him a vacation right when they were about to suspend him. Give me a break.

Finally, the fact that his other reaction to getting caught involved throwing a hissy fit and nearly quitting (as was the word during Tuesday’s Smackdown taping) just puts the icing on the stupid cake.

With that, I bid you all a good week. Hopefully next week, my Stupid Person of the Week will win the award for something in kayfabe as opposed to a real life screw-up but knowing wrestling, I doubt it.

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