Pro Wrestling Ponderings

Hello friends, it’s time for another WWE Pay-Per-View. Whoever scheduled this show on the same day as the first day of the NFL season should be shot.

-Opening melodramatic video package. Apparently, this concept is innovative. I thought it was gimmickly, but I guess that shows what I know.

-Live from Montreal, Bizarroland (Site of a rather famous event if I recall… that being Ring of Honor’s “The Hunt is On,” featuring some of the quietest fans ever)

-Your hosts are the only six people who chose to watch Breaking Point over opening night of the NFL season.

-Unified Tag Team Championships: The Big Show and Chris Jericho (champions) vs. Mark Henry and MVP

Let’s just get out of this way. MVP has no sleeves, and he starts with Chris Jericho. Announcers bring up Jericho denouncing Canada to remind everyone of WWE’s hatred of this country. Hiposs leads to a quick cover. Henry gets a shot in, and Jericho isn’t looking so good until a fist to the face changes things. Doesn’t last as MVP gets a neckbreaker. Tag to the big man. Jericho bolts for the corner and Show is tagged in. Oh God. Show and Henry have the slowest sequence this side of Kane and Khali. We’ll go to the other side of the match later. As Henry is about to slam Show, Jericho runs in and prevents the enormous slam. Henry is your dark-chocolate-in-peril. Double clothesline spot leads to Henry getting the hot tag to MVP. Jericho is also in. Throw, elbow, and a big lariat. Now it’s time to go ballin’. Long two count. MVP counters out of the “Walls of Jericho.” Spear by Show after a blind tag. MVP is now your ex-con-in-peril. What a dreadfully boring opener. MVP hits a DDT and makes a hot tag of his own to Henry. Jericho is stuck in the ring with the rather portly Henry. Press slam and a big splash. Show interrupts. MVP gets tossed out of the ring. Show does as well. Henry with a clothesline but as the referee is about to count to three, Jericho gets his foot on the ropes. Henry throws Jericho to counter the codebreaker. Show hits the power of the punch. Jericho gets three. I yawn.

Winner/Time/Rating: STILL Unified Tag Team Champions- Chris Jericho and The Big Show/13:12/*

-I think it’s time for this little experiment to end. Jericho has now been involved in two dreadfully boring matches on the last two Pay-Per-Views after having one of the best feuds of 2009 with Rey Mysterio. If it were to keep D-X out of the world title picture, I say let them have the tag belts. That way they can be on both shows, but don’t necessarily have to be in the main event all the time. I really just want Jericho to start having show-stealing matches again.

-Interview with Legacy. Apparently, D-X has never submitted. That’s high comedy right there. Seriously, what other sport or television show could get away with this level of changing history without getting torn apart by their fanbase? It says a lot about WWE fans that there isn’t even that level of awareness. Dibiase throwing the glow stick was awesome.

-United States Championship: Kofi Kingston (champion) vs. The Miz

Miz cuts a promo in French before we officially get started. You want a guy who should be wrestling for the world title in 2010? Kofi should most definitely be that man. He’s over. He has great matches. He appears to be clean. Why not? Can’t be any worse than that guy who wrestled CM Punk in the Summerslam main event. MIz takes the early advantage with a headlock. Miz goes for his finisher early, but Kofi reverses. Miz regains control with lefts, but two crossbodies switch things back. Kofi bounces off the ropes using his head. In the corner and Miz kicks away. Slingshot as the crowd treats this match like they treated Jimmy Jacobs against Tyler Black. Modified chickenwing. Announcers talk about how Miz’ matches with Cena elevated him. In what way? Nice boot to the face. Kofi is quite awesome. Faceplanter. Miz deposited to the outside. Miz grabs Kofi and causes him to land backfirst on the edge of the ring. Miz uses a double axehandle for two. He gets a little penisy and Kofi fires off a couple kicks. Kofi just can’t get anything going. Kofi finally gets a series of kicks. Miz goes for the finisher again, but Kofi counters out and hits… something. Not sure what it was but it looked cool. Backbreaker and a reverse DDT by Miz. Blind charge leads to a double boot. Leaping lariat. Boom drop doesn’t work out so well as Miz lefts his knees. Only a two count. Series of covers now. Russian legsweep and the boom drop. To the top and a crossbody is reversed into a two count for Miz. Roll-up with a handful of tights and Miz is not happy. High knee countered and sends Miz into the ropes. Trouble in Paradise kick. 1-2-3.

Winner/Time/Rating: STILL United States Champion- Kofi Kingston/11:59/***1/4

-I think these two guys were almost trying to have a great match instead of simply having a great match. Overall, the effort was certainly there, and there were enough quality moves and counters to make this a nice little match. I’m a huge proponent of seeing both guys elevated, and this did nothing to convince me otherwise. Here’s hoping both guys find their way into the upper card at some point in 2010.

-Submissions Count Anywhere: D-Generation X (Triple H and Shawn Michaels) vs. Legacy (Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes

Eleven years ago, these guys were cooking sausages. Now they’re tossing glow sticks.  Triple H mentions something while the crowd chants “You Screwed Rhett?” I’m confused. When was Rhett Titus in WWE? And I thought he was a virgin. Very confusing.

I think the problem with this match is that the babyfaces already won the first match, and no one actually believed Legacy has a chance in hell of winning that match or this match. The fact D-X so thoroughly dominates the first few minutes of this match only confirms what the crowd is likely thinking. They go out into the crowd and brawl, pretty dumb move considering Shawn Michaels is in this match and Canadians aren’t exactly in love with him. All we need is a spot in the bathroom and it’s Kevin Sullivan booking. Hunter and HBK go for figure fours in the freaking lobby. That was cool. Dibiase rakes the eyes. “Ole” chants by the crowd. Where’s El Generico? Back towards ringside and Legacy has had minimal offense. Triple H hooks Cody in a sharpshooter while Shawn gets a camel clutch. This all takes place with Cody tangled in a chair. That was also cool. Dibiase saves the day and rams Hunter into the stairs. Back inside with Dibiase working over Hunter untila spinebuster changes the advantage. Crossface but Rhodes saves the match now. Shawn skins the cat and gets a headscissors on Cody. Dibiase counters and Cody then hooks some sort of backbreaker. Hunter saves his buddy.

Hunter tells Dibiase to suck it as Shawn and Rhodes head to the backstage area. Now they go back into the crowd. Shawn chops his opponent as he sits in one of the seats. Shawn is sent flying out of the stands onto a table. Wasn’t that impressive looking. Hunter looks over his fallen comrade, and he hulks up. He goes to work on both members of Legacy. Dibiase gets backdropped on the stage. Rhodes gets Triple H to chase him backstage. FINALLY, Legacy gets the advantage. I bet the crowd loves having to watch one of the main event matches happen on a screen instead of live. Hunter hooks in a crossface, but Dibiase puts an end to that. Rhodes hits Hunter with a chair, and they leave to go back to work on Shawn Michaels. Now Legacy goes to work on Shawn Michaels. Back inside the ring. Michaels vainly tries to come back, but Rhodes hooks an anklelock. This match has NO HEAT. This really does feel like “The Hunt is On.” Michaels hits the superkick on Rhodes as Hunter tries to get back on his feet. Michaels grabs a figure four, a nice callback to Michaels picking up the win with this same move last Monday. Dibiase prevents his partner from tapping. Legacy tries a spike piledriver, but Michaels gets out of it. Rhodes and Michaels battle by a corner post before Rhodes applies a figure four on it. Dibiase hooks the Million Dollar Dream as Triple H tries to make his way to ringside. Michaels finally taps.

Winner/Time/Rating: Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes/21:43/***

I’m ecstatic about Legacy winning, but this match happened in front of the wrong crowd. There was zilch heat for this, and it went way too long. I’m giving it a good rating because the execution of the last ten minutes were excellent, and the drama was there. Too bad the crowd didn’t give a lick. At least Legacy got to actually win a match. Too bad this should have been their second straight victory because we all know what’s happening next month. Whether in Hell in a Cell or not, D-X is putting this feud to sleep.

-Randy Orton interview. He asks Josh Mathews to sit in a very Chris Hanson like way. I fall asleep. God, what a boring interview Orton is.

Kane vs. The Great Khali

I’m not going to make any jokes about the general crappiness of this match due to Khali’s health being so poor. I feel it would be truly unfair to rip a guy in this bad a shape. Needless to say, the match isn’t very good and Kane wins. Somehow, it was even worse then what I saw at Summerslam.

Winner/Time/Rating: Kane/4:53/-**

-I said no jokes, but seriously… We lost Dolph Ziggler against John Morrison for this garbage? This is why no one in the states wants to buy the Pay-Per-Views anymore.

-Eve Torres is now an interviewer again. CM Punk sounds as cocky ever, and he takes a shot at Jeff Hardy. What a great line about the mug shot. Lights go out but it’s just Jimmy Wang Yang. Punk beats him up. Poor Jimmy.

-We see the ECW title match from Summerslam. All eight seconds of it.

-ECW Title: Christian (champion) vs. William Regal (Vladamir Kozlov and Exekiel Jackson)

We really needed a Kozlov interview talking about breaking Christian. Little Rocky IV for everyone out there. Jackson and Kozlov are banned from ringside, meaning Christian gave Tiffany something French. What that is I leave up to the reader. Stryker mentions a major title in 1997 changing hands in Montreal. What is he talking about? Crowd seems into this match which is a change of pace. The match thankfully goes more than eight seconds, and there’s a basic wrestling sequence to start. Christian hits a crossbody, but is pushed off the other corner to the outside. Modified chinlock. Regal stretches Christian out with a modified surfboard, but he eats some elbows to the face. Leap off the second rope into a sunset flip. Regal quickly recovers and hits a knee. Vicious. Regalplex gets two. Submission hold focusing on the neck. Left forearms followed by a European uppercut. Christian comes back with a tornado DDT. Left hand again by Regal that almost gets two. Another beautiful Regalplex gets two. Wow. Christian with a flurry of offense now. A big elbow to the face gets two. Regal hits a rolling senton again only two. Killswitch attempt sends Christian to the ropes throat first. Regal bounces off the ropes, but Christian counters into the killswiitch for the victory.

Winner/Time/Rating: STILL ECW Champion-Christian/11:16/***1/2

-See what happens when you give these two time. You get a fucking great match.

-RAW promo. Batista has announcement. Don’t care. Trish Stratus is coming back. Okay, that I care about. Her presence will literally keep me away from Monday Night Football.

-Pat Patterson comes out… not the first time that’s happened. There doesn’t seem to be a reason for this until Dolph Ziggler comes out… not in the same way I don’t believe… and Morrison makes the save. What an incredibly lame segment with unfunny scripted lines that make Ziggler seem like the biggest geek in the world. Considering how low on time we’re running, this should have been cut immediately.

-“I Quit” WWE Championship: Randy Orton (champion) vs. John Cena

Five letters. Two words. Let’s see how WWE squeaks out of this one without having one of these guys say those magic words. Hot and heavy to start. Cena quickly misses a dive and gets knocked into the RAW announce table. Orton takes one of the monitors and nails Cena with it. Orton hits the DDT from the middle rope. He grabs a chair and places it right in the middle of the ring. Crowd has woken up and is going with duel chants. Orton tries the RKO into the chair again, but Cena hits his usual offense before hitting the five knuckle shuffle. Attitude Adjustment thwarted as Orton rams Cena’s neck on the top rope. Orton preps for the punt. He misses but Cena tries to hook in the STF. Both men end up on the outside and Orton throws Cena into the steps. Cena gets those same steps right in the face. Orton places Cena on the bottom two steps that remain, and he kicks him right in the head. Cena still won’t quit.

I’m actually digging this match because they’re playing off what happened on Monday. They’re actually using storytelling. Orton grabs a bag, but thankfully they aren’t thumb tacks. Instead, Orton has handcuffs. He puts the key around his neck in a mistake every other supervillian I’ve ever seen make. Orton goes to town on the handcuffed Cena. Microphone shot which unfortunately doesn’t make a good noise. Orton handcuffs Cena’s hands together and hangs him from the top rope. Oh boy. This is rapidly becoming that one scene in Pulp Fiction. You know what I’m talking about if you’ve seen it. Orton punches Cena and spills water in his face to make sure his opponent doesn’t pas out. When the referee asks Cena if he wants to quit, he spits water in Orton’s face. Awesome. Now it’s kendo stick time. Some pretty vicious shots, including one to the skull. Cena… will… not… quit. Low blow by the challenger, and Cena is scarred up.

Orton hits Cena with a chair and handcuffs him to the bottom turnbuckle. Another chairshot. Cena says no. Orton misses a second shot and gets backdropped. Cena finally gets the key and unhandcuffs himself. The hands shaking were an excellent touch. And in the bitterest of ironies, Cena handcuffs Orton to himself. Cena beats Orton up outside and inside the ring. Attitude Adjustment is turned into an RKO. Orton has to drag Cena over to get the key. Cena begins struggling and just chokes Orton with the handcuff. Wow. Orton QUITS. He said the words. Holy shit.

Winner/Time/ Rating: NEW WWE Champion-John Cena/19:50/****1/4

-I’m not kidding with that rating folks. This was one of the finest bits of storytelling you’ll ever see in a match. As far as moves, it might not have been spectacular, but it was more than made up for with the camerawork and the facials. Whoever conceived this match deserves a raise because I guarantee you this is one of the best executed matches of 2009. This is easily the best WWE match since Undertaker/Shawn Michaels. Props to both Cena and Orton. And considering how much I hate Orton, that takes a lot for me to say.

-We’re rapidly running out of time, but of course we get another long ass video package. Seriously, why are Punk/Taker main eventing? There’s not a chance in hell of them topping Cena/Orton. And believe me, that is not easy for me to say either.

-World Heavyweight Championship: CM Punk (champion) vs. The Undertaker

Undertaker’s entrance also takes forever. Jesus, what a waste of time. Punk flees to start. Tick. Tick. Tick. I’m still somewhat receovering the last match. Taker and Punk just go back and forth until Taker just throws Punk out of the ring. Impressive. Taker goes to work with right hands. He absolutely dominates this match and Punk gets a minimum amount of offense until Punk finally hits the dead man with chairshots. Big knee shot, but Punk is sent to the corner. Shoulders by Taker and it’s time to go old school. Punk uses a counter and fires elbows and rights. Headbutt but a running kick stops the Taker rally. Superplex by Punk. More back and forth. Taker rams him into both corners, hits the snake eyes, hits the boot, and finally hits the leg drop. Chokeslam countered by a kick. Gogoplex and Punk taps. Oh, fuck you WWE.

BUT WAIT!

Teddy Long comes out and announces that this hold was banned by Vickie Guerrero, and it is still banned. So the match gets restarted. Punk hooks in the Anaconda Vice. It doesn’t appear Taker taps, but for some strange reason the ref call for the bell? Huh? What the hell is going on? Too hard to time this with the bell ringing and the restart.

Winner/Time/Rating: STILL World Heavyweight Champion- CM Punk/N/A/ *1/2

-I need to go to Wikipedia and do some research on this because I’m really confused. I’ll have more on this ending and a couple of other strange comments coming up Thursday in “This Week in Wrestling.” Boy am I confused.

-What I do know is this match didn’t get near enough time, and you’d think WWE would be smart enough to know how to time these Pay-Per-Views after 25 years of doing them. Seriously, look at a clock or stopwatch. It’s not that difficult. I assure you.

Final Thoughts: With the exception of a strange ending, this was a fairly good WWE Pay-Per-View. There was some good and creative booking. In the greatest of all ironies, RAW and ECW actually produced the good matches on this card while Kane/Khali sucked a big one and the world title match was cut short because of incompetence. I’d definitely recommend the DVD for the WWE title match and ECW title match. Also, D-X does the job. When does that ever happen?

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Reliant Stadium – Houston, Texas – 4.5.09

DVD Release Date: May 19, 2009

MATCH #1: Money in the Bank Ladder Match – CM Punk vs. Kofi Kingston vs. MVP vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Kane vs. Mark Henry vs. Finlay vs. Christian

It’s nice to have Christian back. As usual with these types of matches I don’t expect to do much play-by-play. Henry and Kane clear the ring and go at it early on. Shelton and Christian team up to introduce the first ladder, taking Kane and Henry down. Kingston then dropkicks it back onto both of them and hits the Boom-Boom legdrop. Kane and Henry recover and make the first attempt to climb the ladder, but the other six guys all team up to take them down. They all climb the ladders now, and Henry and Kane return the favor by knocking them down. Punk and Kofi wind up in the ring together, and instead of fighting they hit stereo suicide dives onto Christian, MVP, and Kane. Shelton climbs to the top of a very tall ladder and somersaults off it into the crowd, and it doesn’t look like they did a very good job catching him. Henry then teases a dive off the top rope, but Finlay stops him with his shillelagh. Hornswoggle introduces a step-ladder, and uses it to help catapult himself off the top rope onto the mass of competitors on the floor. Finlay is left alone in the ring and brings a ladder in. Kofi knocks him off the ladder with a Trouble in Paradise. I’m having trouble keeping up with everything. Punk and MVP wind up on the ladder and Christian pulls MVP down. Christian goes after Punk and gets kicked in the face. He perseveres though, and takes Punk off the ladder with the Un-Prettier. Shelton and MVP unfortunately blow a sunset bomb off the ladder. Bummer dudes. Shelton then hits a powerbomb on MVP to the floor, right onto Henry and Tony Atlas. He then knocks Finlay off the ladder, and Christian pulls Shelton down. Shelton and Christian climb up a ladder together, and Christian sends Shelton crashing to the floor. The crowd goes nuts as Christian gets close to the briefcase. Punk swoops in out of nowhere but Christian is able to get Punk’s leg tied up in the ladder. Kane joins them and Chokeslams Christian down to the mat. Punk untangles his foot and kicks Kane down and grabs the briefcase to become the first-ever two-time Money in the Bank winner at 14:23. Money in the Bank is one of the more reliable WWE matches, and this one was no different. Amazing spots and I certainly didn’t predict Punk winning, so great stuff all around.
Rating: ****

MATCH #2: 25-Diva Battle Royal to Determine the First-Ever Miss WrestleMania

We skip over the entrances and right into the awkward brawling. A bunch of divas get eliminated and the crowd does not care. It’s nice that Victoria, who was so irritated with WWE when she left and still talks crap about them now that she’s in TNA, found it in her heart to take a WrestleMania payday. Phoenix gets rid of a few divas. Santina Marella simultaneously eliminates Phoenix and Melina to become Miss WrestleMania at 6:11. That was just all kinds of boring and pointless. You couldn’t even tell who was in the match.
Rating: DUD

MATCH #3: 3-on-1 Handicap Elimination Match – Rowdy Roddy Piper, Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka & Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat with “Nature Boy” Ric Flair in their corner vs. Chris Jericho

Piper starts the match for the Hall of Fame team. He clotheslines Jericho to the floor and follows him out. He slaps Jericho around a bit. Back in the ring Piper gets a sunset flip and a sort of dropkick. He brings Jericho over to the corner and tags Snuka. Jericho can’t get any offense going here. Snuka tags Steamboat, who hits a cross body block off the top rope and starts going to work on the arm. Steamboat looks amazing, like he can totally still go. He tags Snuka back in, and within moments Jericho sweeps the legs and locks on the Walls of Jericho and Snuka taps out at 3:45. Piper rejoins the match and puts on the Sleeper. Jericho escapes and hits a running enziguiri to eliminate Piper at 4:46. Steamboat comes in with a high cross body block off the top rope but Jericho kicks out at two. Jericho wears Steamboat down, but the veteran is still able to skin the cat and back drops Jericho to the floor. The Dragon follows Jericho out with a slingshot dive. The crowd goes nuts for Steamboat. He goes up and hits the chop off the top rope, and he’s rolling. He gets an O’Connor Roll for two. Jericho comes back with a bulldog, but misses the Lionsault. He charges at Steamboat and gets caught in a powerslam for two. Jericho puts the Walls of Jericho on, and Steamboat gets an inside cradle for two! Moments later Jericho hits the Code Breaker to get the pin and win the match at 8:58. As soon as Piper and Snuka got out of the way, this got very entertaining. Steamboat looked like he could go in a singles match; Piper and Snuka not so much.
Rating: **¼

MATCH #4: Extreme Rules Match – Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy

Jeff starts off by slapping his older brother in the face, and the brawl is on. It quickly spills to the floor, where Jeff is firmly in control. Back in the ring Jeff tries Whisper in the Wind but Matt swats him out of the air with a chair and gets a two-count. Matt goes to work on his younger brother, hitting the Side Effect on a chair for two. A table is set up on the floor, but no one goes through it just yet. Jeff recovers and knocks Matt off the apron, and he follows him down with a clothesline. Back in the ring Jeff uses a trash can to abuse his older brother. The corner dropkick gets two. Jeff hits a gourdbuster and goes up top and tries the Swanton. Matt moves and then hits the Twist of Fate for two. He goes up top but Jeff knocks him down and hits a superplex. Jeff then clobbers Matt with a chair, and takes him to the floor to set him up on the table. He sets a chair on his brother, and then another table on top of the first one. Jeff goes to the top rope and crashes through the table. Back in the ring Jeff gets a two-count. Jeff hits a legdrop off a steel chair and sets up a ladder. He tries another legdrop over a really tall ladder, but Matt moves and Jeff crashes down hard to the canvas. Matt gets up and traps Jeff’s head in a steel chair and hits a Twist of Fate to get the pin at 13:14. They did some creative spots but it somehow lacked the intensity I thought it would have. Some day these guys are bound to have a great match with each other, but it hasn’t happened yet.
Rating: ***¼

MATCH #5: Intercontinental Championship Match – JBL vs. Rey Mysterio

JBL has been the champion since 3.9.09, and this is his first defense. Mysterio’s gear tonight is an interpretation of Heath Ledger’s Joker, which is pretty cool. Lawler notes the homage, to which JR replies, “I think Rey’s career is alive and well,” which is kind of offensive. JBL hits a boot to Rey’s face before the bell can ring and works him over in the corner. The referee lets Rey recover and then rings the bell. Rey gets an enziguiri, the 619, and a splash off the top rope to get the pin and win the Intercontinental Title at 0:21. Not much of a match, but a fitting match for JBL to go out on.
Rating: ¼*

MATCH #6: Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels

Shawn tries to use his speed early on, and Undertaker counters with his extraordinary power. Undertaker takes control early on, working on Shawn’s back. He hits Old School but misses a charger in the corner and Michaels goes after the knee. They trade control back and forth a few times. Michaels locks on the Crossface and Undertaker powers out with a side slam for two. The ever-resilient Michaels storms back with a flurry of offense. Michaels tries an axe handle off the top rope but Undertaker catches him by the throat. He avoids that and knocks Undertaker down with a kick and tries the Figure-Four. Undertaker counters and locks on Hell’s Gate. Michaels reaches the ropes. Undertaker tries the legdrop on the apron but Michaels moves, and then follows up with a baseball slide to knock Undertaker back. Michaels tries a moonsault but misses and lands hard on the floor. Undertaker recovers and launches himself over the top rope but Michaels pulls a cameraman in front of him and the cameraman does a horrible job of catching Undertaker, who appears to land directly on his skull. Michaels revives the referee and tries to get him to count Undertaker out, but the Dead Man just barely makes it back to the ring before the count of 10. He sets up for Sweet Chin Music but Undertaker counters with a chokeslam and Michaels kicks out at two! Undertaker looks incredulous. He tries the Tombstone but Michaels counters to hit the Sweet Chin Music and Undertaker kicks out! Michaels gets back to his feet but Undertaker grabs him by the throat and goes for the Last Ride. After several counters Undertaker hits the move but Michaels kicks out at two! Undertaker hooking the leg and overtly showing his frustration is great touches. He goes to the top rope and misses a big elbow drop. They get back to their feet and Undertaker throws Michaels over the ropes. Michaels skins the cat, but Undertaker catches him with the Tombstone but Michaels kicks out! The look on Undertaker’s face is priceless. Undertaker pulls the straps down and goes for the Tombstone but Michaels counters to a DDT. Michaels goes up top and hits the elbow. He sets up for Sweet Chin Music and nails it, but Undertaker kicks out at two! They get back to their feet and trade blows. Michaels counters another Tombstone attempt and kicks a charging Undertaker in the face. He tries a Moonsault but Undertaker hits the Tombstone to get the win in this absolutely epic match at 30:41. If anything even comes close to this in Match of the Year voting I’ll be stunned. This is the real match of the year, because the fans aren’t chanting “Match of the Year” and the wrestlers didn’t hug each other and talk about the great match they just had. Everyone in the building simply knew. I think this might be the greatest match of All Time.
Rating: *****

MATCH #7: Triple Threat Match for the World Heavyweight Championship – Edge vs. John Cena vs. Big Show

Edge has been the champion since 2.15.09, and this is his second defense. I must say that Edge comparing himself to Jesus is pretty awesome. Cena goes right after Edge but gets steamrolled by Show. Edge tries to make an arrangement with Show, and his nuts pay for it. Cena tries an early Attitude Adjustment on Edge but Show breaks it up. Show is dominant over both men in the early going. Cena recovers and knocks Show to the floor, and follows him out with a legdrop off the top rope. That was cool. Edge and Cena get back in the ring, and Cena tries the Attitude Adjustment but Edge counters to the Edgecution for a two-count. The champion goes up top and Cena knocks him to the floor. Meanwhile Show gets back in the ring and hits a side slam on Cena for two. Cena recovers and goes on offense, but Chavo pulls him to the floor. That’s bad news for Chavo though, as Cena hits him with the Attitude Adjustment. Show gets tied up in the ropes and Cena takes advantage by hitting the Proto-Plex on Edge and the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Vickie gets up on the apron and Edge accidentally Spears her. Cena gets a rollup for two. Show finally escapes and resumes his domination. He goes for a double chokeslam and only Cena avoids it. Cena can’t avoid the right hand though, and he falls to the floor. Edge is out there too, so Show joins the party. Show tries to Chokeslam Edge on the floor, but Edge counters to a DDT. Edge sets up the steps and uses them for extra momentum to hit a Spear on Show, sending them both crashing through the guardrail and into the crowd. Back in the ring Edge goes for a cover on Cena but only gets two. Edge tries a Spear but Cena counters to the STF. Show breaks it up and tosses Cena to the floor. Back in the ring Show tries a Vader Bomb but Edge moves out of the way. Cena gets back in the ring and along with Edge suplexes Show down. They seem to make a tenuous agreement to get rid of the big man, and they clothesline him to the floor. The second Show is gone Edge boots Cena in the face for a two-count. Edge tries to hit the Edge-o-Matic but Cena avoids it and hits the Throwback. Cena goes up top and Show pushes him directly into a Spear. Show breaks up the count. Back in the ring Edge gets Show in a sleeper, and Cena picks both of them up! He hits Show with the Attitude Adjustment, and then hits one on Edge, landing him on top of Show. Cena then pins Show to win the title for the second time at 14:43. That match doesn’t get much love, but I thought it was a lot fun and had some really creative spots. I also liked the finish.
Rating: ***½

MATCH #8: WWE Championship Match – Triple H vs. Randy Orton

Triple H has been the champion since 2.15.09 and this is his first defense. If Triple H gets counted out or disqualified, he will lose the title. The champion starts out hot, throwing punch after punch in the early going. The referee tries to restrain the champion, reminding him of the DQ clause. That gives Orton the chance to recover and he hits an RKO! Orton sets up for the Punt Kick but Triple H avoids it and hits the Pedigree! They both roll to the floor and Triple H clobbers Orton from behind and slams him into the announce table. Orton rolls back in the ring and Triple H dumps a bottle of water on himself to try and revive himself. Back in the ring the champion resumes throwing punches at the challenger. Orton tries begging off, but Triple H will have none of it. Back on the floor Orton reverses an Irish whip and sends Triple H crashing into the steel steps. Orton then throws Triple H over the guardrail and the referee starts the count. Triple H makes it back in the ring at seven, and the challenger is all over him. The crowd totally becomes interested in something else at this point. Triple H makes the comeback I think, but I’m about as interested as the crowd. Orton hits a powerslam for two. They counter each other a few times and Triple H ends the series with a clothesline for two. They’re just trading moves and counters back and forth, and sometimes the crowd reacts. Triple H jumps off the top rope but Orton catches him with a dropkick. Orton tries the Punt Kick again but Triple H catches the boot and flips Orton over the top rope to the floor. Triple H follows Orton to the floor and teases using a TV monitor, but the referee reminds him that he’ll lose the title and he thinks better of it. Way to deflate the crowd with that stipulation. Triple H goes for a Pedigree on the announce table but Orton counters with a back drop. Orton then hits the DDT to the floor and rolls back in the ring. Triple H barely makes it back in the ring and Orton stomps away at him. The champion starts making the comeback so Orton manipulates the referee to take him out. Orton then hits an RKO and goes under the ring to grab the sledgehammer. Before he can use it Triple H punts him in the head, and then uses the sledgehammer himself. They roll around for another few minutes for some reason, and then Triple H hits a simple Pedigree to get the pin at 23:34. The match was long and pretty dull. The crowd would have probably popped louder if they had streamlined the Triple H Punt Kick/Sledgehammer/Pedigree combo. I like both guys but they never really have very good matches against each other.
Rating: **½

BONUS MATCH: Lumberjack Match for the Unified Tag Team Championship – Carlito & Primo vs. The Miz & John Morrison

Carlito & Primo have been WWE Tag Team Champions since 9.26.08, and this is their fourth defense. Miz & Morrison have been World Tag Team Champions since 12.13.08 and this is their fourth defense. The lumberjacks are The Great Khali, Cryme Tyme, Jamie Noble, Charlie Haas, Hurricane Helms, Goldust, Jimmy Wang Yang, Tommy Dreamer, Evan Bourne, R-Truth, William Regal, Paul Burchill, Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler, The Brian Kendrick, Ezekiel Jackson, Curt Hawkins, Zack Ryder, Mike Knox, and Vladimir Kozlov. Grisham and Striker get the call on commentary. Primo and Morrison start the match with some back and forth. Morrison almost gets knocked to the floor but avoids it the first time. Moments later Primo hits a headscissors to send Morrison to the floor, and as soon as Morrison gets back in he gets clotheslined out again! The lumberjacks take some liberties and send Morrison back in the ring. The Colons are in firm control as Carlito gets tagged in. Morrison comes back with a back body drop and makes the tag. Miz comes in and sends Carlito to the floor, but Carlito soon comes back with a flurry of aerial offense. Carlito goes up top and Miz pulls him down onto the lumberjacks, causing a ruckus on the floor. Miz takes the opportunity to wear Carlito down now. Morrison tags in and they hit a double team face slam and Primo breaks up the cover. He hits a knee to Carlito’s face for another two-count. Carlito traps Morrison on his shoulders and drops him down to the mat. They both make the tag and Primo is fired up. He hits Miz with a springboard missile dropkick for two. Morrison makes a blind tag and levels Primo with a kick to the face. He goes for the Moonlight Drive but Primo counters to a rollup for two. Carlito spears Miz to the floor, while Primo hits a cross body off the top rope on Morrison, who reverses it for a two-count. Morrison goes for the Curtain Call but Primo reverses to a Backstabber for the upset pin at 8:21. That was unfortunately short, but they packed a lot of action in and got the crowd fired up. It certainly makes me wish WWE would do more with tag team wrestling.
Rating: ***¼

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Joe Louis Arena – Detroit, MI – 1.25.09

DVD Release Date: February 24, 2009

MATCH #1: ECW Championship Match – Jack Swagger vs. Matt Hardy

Swagger has been the champion since 1.13.09 when he beat Hardy, and this is his first defense, and Hardy’s rematch. The champion has only been on TV since September, by the way. The crowd is in full support of the challenger. Hardy outwits the champion in the early going, and Swagger takes a powder. That doesn’t last long, as Hardy chases Swagger outside and brings him back in the ring. Swagger once again takes a powder and this time creates some distance between himself and Hardy. Back in the ring Swagger takes Hardy down to the mat, which is his strong suit. Hardy tries to keep up but Swagger is an All-American. He does make a comeback though and hits a bulldog for two. He goes up to the top rope and Swagger dumps him to the floor. Swagger starts working on Hardy’s arm, which Hardy needs to execute the Twist of Fate. Hardy fights back, but Swagger weathers the blows and keeps going after the arm. He finally escapes the armbar with a clothesline and fires up, hitting what looks like the Eye of the Hurricane for two. He hits another bulldog for two. An elbow off the second rope gets another two-count. Swagger catches a boot and hits a belly-to-belly suplex for two. He follows up with a single-arm DDT for two. They fight up top as Swagger is going for a super back suplex, but Hardy avoids it and knocks Swagger back to the mat. Hardy hits a Moonsault but Swagger kicks out at two! The crowd bought that one. Hardy tries the Twist of Fate but Swagger avoids it and throws Hardy’s shoulder into the ring post. Swagger pulls Hardy out of the corner and hits the Gut-Wrench Powerbomb to score the pin and retain the title at 10:28. I like Swagger going over clean. That was a solid opener to get the crowd going.
Rating: **¾

MATCH #2: Women’s Championship Match – Beth Phoenix vs. Melina

Phoenix has been the champion since 8.17.08, and this is her fourth defense. Melina has been champion twice before. The champion overpowers the challenger early on, while the crowd chants for Phoenix’s valet, Santino Marella. Melina fights valiantly but Phoenix just throws her around and stretches her in unnatural ways. In fact, she stretches Melina’s leg back far enough so that she’s able to say “stop kicking yourself, stop kicking yourself!” Melina almost gets a comeback but Phoenix hits a side suplex for two. Phoenix gets Melina up for a Gorilla Press Slam but Melina slips out and eventually hits a chinbreaker. They trade more holds and Melina hits a spinning face slam for two. Melina hits a Thesz Press off the second rope. Phoenix reverses the momentum, but Melina catches her with a quick rollup to win the title at 5:58. That had the one neat spot but it was otherwise kind of sloppy.
Rating: *½

MATCH #3: World Heavyweight Championship Match – John Cena vs. JBL

Cena has been the champion since 11.23.08, and this is his second defense. JBL is accompanied by his employee, Shawn Michaels. Cena takes the early advantage so JBL takes a powder and confers with Michaels. Back in the ring JBL toes right after Cena with punches and kicks. Cena makes a brief comeback but gets distracted by Michaels and JBL goes back on offense. He hits a series of elbow drops for two. A side suplex gets another two-count. JBL knocks Cena to the floor, and follows him out to deliver more punishment, whipping the champion into the steel steps. The crowd is completely dead. Cena regains control and sort of hits his legdrop to the back of the neck. He hits some more of his signature moves, and the crowd has come alive a bit. He hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle. He tries the F-U but JBL avoids it. Cena is able to lock on the STF-U though, and once again gets distracted by Michaels. JBL kicks Cena to the floor and Cena can’t take his eyes off Michaels. Back in the ring JBL hits a Clothesline from Hell for two. The referee takes a bump to the floor and both men clothesline each other. Michaels gets in the ring and warms up the band. He nails JBL with the kick instead of Cena, much to the delight of the crowd. Cena then stupidly walks right into another Superkick, and Michaels drapes JBL’s arm over the champion. Another referee comes down finally and Cena kicks out at two. Both men get back to their feet and Cena hits a quick F-U to get the pin at 15:29. These two have had some great matches together but boy was this ever not one of them. The crowd was completely dead, and the whole match was just a backdrop for Shawn Michaels’s drama.
Rating: *¾

MATCH #4: WWE Championship Match – Jeff Hardy vs. Edge

Hardy has been the champion since 12.14.08, and this is his first defense. Vickie Guerrero comes out and makes this a no-disqualification match. Edge is accompanied by Chavo Guerrero. Hardy makes his entrance first, which I’m happy to report Jim Ross comments on. Hardy attacks Edge right away and it’s on. (7:48)He controls for the first few moments, and then Edge cuts him off and goes to work. Hardy comes back with a clothesline and a dropkick to the back for two. He sends Edge to the floor and hits a clothesline off the apron. He tries to springboard back into the ring but Edge hits a boot to the face and Hardy crashes to the floor. Edge hits a baseball slide to knock Hardy back down, and he joins the champion on the floor. He whips Hardy into the guardrail. Back in the ring it’s all Edge on offense. Edge goes out to the ring to grab a chair, which actually gives Hardy enough time to recover and hit a spear, sending Edge crashing from the apron to the floor. Hardy hits a slingshot dive to the floor, and then whips Edge back in. They battle on the apron, and Hardy hits a sweet Twist of Fate. Hardy clears off the announce table and sets Edge up. He then brings out a ladder, but Chavo stops him from jumping off. Hardy then whips Edge into the ring post and then sets Chavo up on the table. He climbs the ladder again and this time hits a splash on Chavo, breaking the table. He recovers rather quickly, and throws Edge back in the ring for a high cross body off the top rope for two. Back to their feet and Edge hits a big boot. Edge then exposes the turnbuckle, but Hardy hits the Whisper in the Wind for a near-fall. The challenger then comes back with a DDT for two. Hardy gets an inside cradle for two. He’s firing up and tries the dropkick in the corner, but Edge drops him face-first onto the exposed turnbuckle (cool spot). That only gets two. Edge tries a Spear but Hardy catches him with an awesome Twist of Fate. Hardy goes up for the Swanton Bomb but Vickie Guerrero interferes. He kicks her down and then hits the Swanton. Vickie pulls the referee out at two. Matt Hardy comes down to defend his brother and take care of the Smackdown General Manager. He gives Jeff a chair, and gets another one for himself. They set up for a con-chair-toe, but then Matt clobbers his own brother with the chair! The crowd is unhappy. Edge rolls over to get the pin and win his fourth WWE Championship (seventh World Title overall) at 19:23. Jeff and Edge might work together better than Matt and Edge did. That was a very entertaining match, and the finish worked for the story they were telling.
Rating: ***¾

MATCH #5: Royal Rumble Match

Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross are calling the action. Rey Mysterio draws #1 and John Morrison is #2. Intervals are 90 seconds, allegedly. Rey staves off elimination, delivers a headscissors, and almost eliminates Morrison. Carlito is the #3 entrant, and he spits apple in Morrison’s eyes. Morrison recovers and takes both babyfaces down. MVP is #4, and he takes shots at everybody. The Great Khali is #5, and have I mentioned how much I love his new music? He throws chops at everyone, and slams Morrison to the mat. Then he nails Carlito with the Punjabi Plunge. Khali stands alone as #6 is Vladimir Kozlov. The big Russian single-handedly eliminates Khali in seconds. MVP tries to hit Kozlov with the Drive-By but it misses and MVP is tossed over the top. Carlito makes a valiant effort, but he gets hit with the Iron Curtain and tossed to the floor. Triple H comes out at #7! He’s a former Rumble winner and has a bone to pick with Kozlov. They slug it out and Triple H takes the advantage and quickly eliminates Kozlov. Next out is Randy Orton at #8. Triple H obviously has a bone to pick with him, and they go right at it. Morrison and Rey rejoin the battle to take Triple H and Orton down, and then Rey hits Morrison with the 619. #9 is a member of Cryme Tyme, and they flip a coin to decide who gets to go. JTG wins the toss and enters the ring. Ted DiBiase comes out at #10, and now Orton has some backup. Morrison and JTG almost eliminate each other but manage to hang on. Ditto for Rey and DiBiase. The 2008 Superstar of the Year Chris Jericho is #11. He goes right after Orton. Mike Knox comes out at #12, and I have to admit that I like him. The Miz is lucky #13, and now both World Tag Team Champions are in the ring together. Orton starts dishing out RKO’s to everyone in sight. Triple H cuts him off with a Pedigree, and then the Game eliminates both tag champions at the same time. Of course he does. Finlay comes out at #14. Not much happens and then #15 comes out and it’s Cody Rhodes! Legacy is in full force now and they take advantage of it. Rey tries a springboard body press but Orton catches him with the RKO. We’re into the second half with Undertaker at #16! Undertaker, the 2007 Rumble winner, tosses JTG out right away. The bizarre Goldust is #17. He goes right after his Cody, his own flesh and blood. Straight Edge and Proud, Intercontinental Champion CM Punk comes out at #18. He throws kicks and knees, all while hearing his own name chanted by the Joe Louis Arena. He hits Triple H with the Go 2 Sleep! Mark Henry is the #19 entrant. He goes toe-to-toe with the Undertaker. The United States Champion, the “Gold Standard” Shelton Benjamin is #20. Next out at #21 is William Regal, the 2008 King of the Ring. Regal goes right after Punk, the man who took the Intercontinental Title from him. Mysterio is able to eliminate Henry, which is pretty impressive given the size differential. #22 is Kofi Kingston. The ring is looking pretty full. Kane is #23, and he happens to hold the record for most eliminations in a Rumble match (2001). He and his half-brother Undertaker work together. Punk eliminates Regal, and then R-Truth comes out at #24. Next up is #25, ROB VAN DAM! His home state reacts pretty favorable to him, and the wrestlers are so impressed that they stand there and let him take everyone out individually. The Brian Kendrick is #26. He eliminates Kofi right away, and then gets tossed over himself by Triple H. Dolph Ziggler is #27 and he’s quickly eliminated by Kane. Santino Marella comes out at #28 and Kane clotheslines him out immediately for a new record. The first-ever Rumble winner, Hacksaw Jim Duggan is entry #29 and the crowd digs him. The final entrant, #30, is the enormous Big Show. He tosses Duggan out. Moments later he slams R-Truth to the floor. Next to go is CM punk via a vicious right hand. Tired of eliminating just one man, next show tosses Mysterio and Knox out at the same time. Mysterio lasted an impressive 49 minutes. Hornswoggle tries to help Finlay by distracting Kane, but Finlay winds up getting eliminated by the Big Red Machine. Orton hits the DDT on Triple H. Undertaker and Show square off now. RVD hits Orton with the 5-Star Frog Splash, but then gets tossed out by Jericho. Unfortunately for Jericho, Undertaker is right behind him. Jericho is able to hit a Code Breaker, but Undertaker recovers and tosses Jericho to the floor. Legacy joins forces to eliminate Kane, and we’re down to the final six – Legacy, Triple H, Big Show, and Undertaker. Show hits Triple H with a Chokeslam. He then battles Show on the apron. Orton eliminates Show with an RKO, and then Show pulls Undertaker to the floor to eliminate the Dead Man. We’re down to the final four, and it doesn’t look good for Triple H. Legacy triple teams the Game for a while. But Triple H recovers long enough to eliminate Rhodes and DiBiase, but then Orton gets the last laugh, eliminating Triple H for the win at 58:34. I’m pretty easy to please with Royal Rumbles, and this one was a lot of fun. I love the story of Legacy surviving throughout the match, and there was lots of other fun stuff throughout the match. I think Orton going over was definitely the right move.
Rating: ****¼

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-Video package showing D-Generation X mocking the montage of matches. This is how you open the second biggest Pay-Per-View of the year? Comedy. No buys. Three world title matches and these goofs are in the video package.

-Your hosts are six former Ring of Honor wrestlers that got raided by WWE.

-Intercontinental Championship: Rey Mysterio (champion) vs. Dolph Ziggler

Ziggler starts out hot and heavy before Mysterio kicks and punches his back. Ziggler immediately starts going for covers. Considering he’s going for the belt, that actually makes sense. Nice moonsault by Mysterio. Hurancanrana from the apron to the floor. I’m now wondering where the hell Maria is. Didn’t they make a big deal of her presence? Bucklebomb by Ziggler, thus eliminating that from Tyler Black’s repertoire when he signs with WWE. Ziggler chinlock followed by a side suplex. Mysterio with a drop toehold only gives him the advantage momentarily. Right back to the chinlock, little modified this time. I’m sorry, but did I just turn on a Randy Orton match? Ziggler misses a Stinger Splash and Mysterio hits a seated senton. Sunset flip is reversed into a big kick by Rey Rey. Ziggler gets a good shot on the abomen and almost wins with a roll-up. Rey Rey just won’t die. Story of this match is similar to “Night of Champions,” but it’s slightly better. Kick to the temple by Rey Rey but Ziggler dodges the 619. 619? There goes the 61knee of Brent Albright when he signs with WWE. Right leg drop gets two for Ziggler. Mysterio almost wins on a roll-up of his own. Ziggler’s bodyslam attempt turns into a DDT for a two count. Dropkick into the 619 position. He hits it… but misses the Springboard. Ziggler gets 2.999999998. Stupid Los Angeles crowd chants for Ziggler. God, I hate Los Angeles. Ziggler kicks Rey Rey and goes to the second rope. Hurancanrana from the position ends Dolph’s night, Great opener.

Winner/Time/Rating: STILL Intercontinental Champion- Rey Mysterio/13:26/***1/2

-Ziggler is just getting better and better. You could see so much improvement, even in the last month. Ziggler will hopefully go over and be the champion by the end of the year, but I think it’s a positive to have Rey Rey hold the belt for a bit to establish a longish title reign.

-Josh Mathews interviews both MVP and Jack Swagger. This was somewhat unique. It’s a culture clash, and this was the interview that should have been done on Monday instead of having a lame 30 second match. Interviews six days before a Pay-Per-View work better then crappy matches. MVP’s delivery is probably the strongest it’s ever been for a babyface.

-Jack Swagger vs. MVP

Crowd is deadly silent to start. God, I hate Los Angeles. Side suplex by MVP but Swagger departs. MVP dives to the outside. Swagger throws MVP off the second rope and begins working over the back of MVP. MVP hits an elbow, but this only leads to an abdominal stretch. This match really should have opened the show cause the crowd could not possibly care less about what’s happening in the ring. Clothesline by Swagger gets a two. Camel Clutch. Trying make MVP humble there Swagger? MVP lifts him and slams him right on his back. Swagger misses rights, but MVP hits. Kneedrop. Time to go ballin’. Hooks the leg but doesn’t get two.Playmaker attempt is reversed into a roll-up. Tights held by Swagger but no diceSecond rope Vader bomb gets knees. Big boot by MVP. Playmaker. 1-2-3. If they wanted this feud to go on, this is an awful terrible way to start it. Even so, this match didn’t get near enough time to develop and the dead crowd certainly doesn’t help. Plus, Swagger is the better wrestler, and WWE desperately need new heels on RAW. They need faces too, but they desperately need new people on top as heels. Smackdown has done an excellent job with Punk, but RAW? Bad.

Winner/Time/Rating: MVP/6:24/*1/2

-A look back at the various guest hosts. Sure, let’s watch the various failures again.

-Nancy O’Dell is on camera now. I really really really want to make jokes, but she’s there for a good cause. Her mom unfortunately passed from ALS, and she’s helping to raise money along with WWE. The Los Angeles crowd boos this. Appalling. I hate Los Angeles. She interviews Freddie Prinze Jr. I’m surprised WWE didn’t ask him to remove the Jr.

-Chris Jericho and Big Show come out for their unified tag team title match. We even get a promo from Jericho. He calls all the celebrities hypocrites and parasites. Guess he forgot his thesaurus. He talks about how famous he and Show are. Someone needs to figure out this 40 title thing. Jericho calls himself the best in the world, thus eliminating Bryan Danielson from using that catchphrase when gets signed by WWE… What? He signed? Oh. Big Show is about to talk, but the spiteful sound guy plays Cryme Time’s music.

-Unifed Tag Team Championship Match: Chris Jericho and Big Show (champions) vs. Cryme Tyme (Shad and JTG)

Loud “Y2J” chants showing how over Cryme Tyme truly are. JTG and Jericho start and continue the goodness that started with their Smackdown match a few weeks ago.Walls of Jericho attempt but he turned into a slingshot. JTG then hits a sitdown senton for two. Grisham saying “flava” was a fail. Punch to the face and Show gets tagged in. He just stands on the leg of JTG. Man, did this match get boring in a hurry. Crowd died considerably too. Shad finally gets tagged in, and it’s at least a little bit more even. Shad lifts Jericho in the air and drops him. Show spears him in response. Now Shad is thug-in-peril. Jericho back in and he toys around with Shad. Big boot by Shad but as he’s about to tag, Jericho and Show cut the ring in half. Full nelson now. The hell year is this? 1987. Where’s Hercules? Jericho misses an elbow but prevents a tag with a double axehandle. Chinlock by Jericho. Both rise and Jericho is powerslammed. JTG is finally tagged in. Pace picks back up and a mugshot is hit. Modified facebuster. Big Show interrupts a cover but Shad clotheslines him. Roll-up on Jericho gets two. Jericho comes back and applies Walls of Jericho.JTG gets the ropes but Show punches him in the face. Jericho hooks the leg for three and they retain.

This match was decent when JTG and Jericho were in the ring together. Otherwise, this was nothing special. Show absolutely dragged this match down, and it’s time for this experiment to end. Jericho was having match of the year candidates with Rey Rey two months ago and now he’s wrestling Cryme Tyme at the second biggest Pay-Per-View of the year? No buys. Even seeing him both brands isn’t worth it, cause Big Slow is sure to follow.

Winner/Time/Rating: STILL Unified Tag Team Champions- Chris Jericho and The Big Show/9:45/**1/4

-Breaking Point promo. Well, the idea of the main events ending in submissions should be good for a laugh if nothing else.

-C.M. Punk interview. Greatest words you can possibly hear these days. Punk shows a screenplay about Jeff Hardy. Very creative. He calls himself the only real person and makes fun of the Twilight guy and Kate Gosselin. Fucking awesome.

Kane vs. The Great Khali

Highlight of this match is a sign that says “YOU CAN’T WRESTLE.” Kane wins with the DDT after five hours. That’s all this bullshit gets.

Winner/Time/Rating: Kane/5:57/-*

-They show a bunch of celebrities, including Robert Patrick. I kinda wish this show could get terminated at this point. Okay, that’s not fair since the show hasn’t been that bad. I really just wanted to make the joke.

-Long video package building up The Legacy/D-X match. So glad I fast-forwarded.

-D-X gets a ridiculously over-the-top entrance. I mean, even The Undertaker was telling them to cool it. Also, if you gave me that entrance, I’d get over too.I actually timed their entrance since it was so ridiculous. From the time the music started until the end of their promo, SEVEN MINUTES AND THIRTY-FIVE SECONDS. This does not even include the ridiculously long video package that went about five minutes too. Keep that in mind for later. Dibiase and Rhodes just walk out to the ring, thus looking like total jobbers.

-D-Generation X (Shawn Michaels and Triple H) vs. Legacy (Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes)

I’m dreading this match for a lot of reasons. See the Spirit Squad as Exhibit A. Hunter and Dibiase start things off. Exchange of right hands. Hunter hits a trademark knee, but not before using a crotch chop. Rhodes is tagged in and gets a high knee. Dibiase slaps Shawn. Well, that wasn’t very Christian of him. HBK tags in. He locks in with Rhodes, and Rhodes ends up slapping Michaels. This is off to a fairly good start. Michaels gets a Thesz Press and just punches him. Then a slap. Superkick set-up but Rhodes runs. Hunter send him back. Rhodes leaves. Legacy hangs out on the outside. Michaels goes to work with chops in Dibiase. Dibiase sends him flailing in the corner, then a lariat, thus eliminating Nigel McGuinness from using that move when he signs with WWE. Michaels is now a degenerate in peril. Crowd is chanting… “Suck it?” Neckbreaker by Michaels and a tag to Triple H. Right hands. Hunter gets slingshotted by Dibiase. No sold. Spinebuster on both members of Legacy. Pedigree stopped by Rhodes. All four men in briefly before Rhodes sent out. Hunter backdrops his partner over the top. Dibiase gets a ballshot. Hunter is now degenerate in peril. Rhodes and Dibiase go to work and actually offense in. Frequent tags made. Dibiase shows he’s learning from Orton since he uses the chinlock. Crowd gets back into it. Belly to back suplex by Hunter, but Dibiase gets a tag to Rhodes. Rhodes , who has looked the best he ever has in the ring, continues working on Hunter’s legs. Hunter counters out of it. Dibiase makes sure a tag is not made. Hunter and Dibiase get into a fist battle. After being thrown over the top rope, we’ve got duel tags. Michaels takes Rhodes out like he owns him. Michaels does the kip up, but Dibiase clotheslines him from behind. Hunter goes after Dibiase on the outside of the ring as Rhodes climbs up to the top rope. He tries to steal a flying elbow. Emphasis on try. Michaels goes up, but Rhodes knocks him off the top rope. Both men on the top rope. Michaels knocks him down. Elbow by Michaels is countered by the knees. Rhodes wants a tag but Dibiase is nowhere to ne found. Figure four by Michaels. There’s Dibiase. He ends the figure four. Pedigree attempt. Rhodes stops it. Lawler can’t believe Legacy has all these counters. Considering every major match is readily available on DVD, it’s not that difficult to figure out. Rhodes hits a crossroads (neckbreaker), but Triple H stops it. Pedigree. Dream Streets. Clothesline by Hunter. Now he and Dibiase end up on the outside and brawl over the announce table. Rhodes and Michaels are being counted out inside the ring. There’s the superkick and a three count. They had me for a second there. I thought WWE was about to show some guts and put Legacy over. But of course D-X gets over. Gotta get those merch sales. It really was a good match, but anyone who thinks the right team went over should consider themselves the biggest marks ever. And I mean that in the worst way possible.

Winner/Time/Rating: Shawn Michaels and Triple H/19:59/***1/4

-ECW Championship Match: Christian (champion) vs. William Regal

Josh Mathews apparently borrowed a picnic table table cloth to use as a shirt. Before I can even make the timemark, Christian wins with the killswitch in five seconds. Then Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov immediately beat up Christian followed by Regal hooking in the STF. Fuck you WWE. This was some dumb bullshit. WWE gives 13 minutes to D-X in video packages and entrances, another 20 to a match where the winner is never in doubt, but they can’t give these guys even eight minutes.

Winner/Time/Rating: Christian/:05/N/R

Someone e-mail me the name of the people at the Peace Corps. Some palms need to be greased on behalf of one Bryan Danielson to insure he doesn’t get stuck in garbage like this. I’d rather not see him then see what happened to Regal and Christian happen to Danielson.

WWE Championship Match: Randy Orton (champion) vs. John Cena

Considering who’s involved, it doesn’t look like a four star match is happening. Crowd splits about 50/50 for each guy. Orton controls the early portion of this match but Cena quickly comes back with a flurry. Elbow by Orton. “RKO” chants. Orton works Cena over with his usual exciting i.e. boring offense. I’ve never been a fan of Orton. Ever. And after six years in WWE, I just don’t see it happening. Backbreaker (or Freddie Prinze Jr. killer) before the chinlock. Dueling chants. The hell is this, TNA? Is Russo going to start booking now?

Cena makes things a little more palpable with a modified suplex. He goes for the five knuckle shuffle and actually hits it. He prepares for the Attitude Adjustment, but Orton belly-to-belly suplexes him. He misses a knee drop. Cena dives after Orton but lands on the outside. Kick and the DDT as Cena tries to come back in. Two count. Orton prepares to strike. He pounds the mat a bunch of times because I guess that makes him a better worker. Punt attempt fails. Cena comes back with a legdrop from the second rope. Another two count. As he prepares for the AA once again, Orton holds the ropes and clotheslines him. Exchange of right hands while the crowd does the yay/boo thing. Least this match has heat. Back bodydrop. Orton just pushes the referee for a disqualification. Lillian Garcia fucks up the announcement and calls him the new champion. She says Vince wants the match re-started and if Orton is disqualified again, he loses the belt.

Orton back inside the ring and he gets side suplexed. Cena throws him into the corner and to the outside. Orton rams Cena into the stairs and puts him back in the ring. He insists on covering Cena, and Cena insists on not staying down. Orton goes outside and gets the belt. Count-out. Of course, the match gets started once again by Vince McMahon. If Orton gets counted out again, he will lose the championship.

Cena and Orton try to go for various finishers. Orton then gets a roll-up with his feet on the ropes for a three count. Another referee sprints into the ring. Guess what? Match starts again. Vince Russo really is booking. Why do I make these jokes?

Cena hooks an STF. Orton hangs on. Cena re-positions himself when a “fan” runs in. It’s Brett Dibiase but the announcers don’t acknowledge it so I guess it will come off as real. This is the dumbest match ever. Orton hits an RKO on the ropes, then an RKO in the ring, Finally, it’s over.

I don’t even know what to say. This was one of the dumbest, most poorly booked matches ever. After the disqualification and count-out, this was at least somewhat acceptable. Then they have the whole foot on the ropes pinned and then a “fan” running in. Forget the fact that having a plant run just encourages others to do the same. Unless there’s going to be a payoff, then this was useless. Dumb dumb dumb. Even worse than the match starting over three times was the fact that John Cena looked like the biggest idiot and geek ever.

Endings like these are why people would rather pay 50 bucks for a UFC show rather than 40 bucks for a WWE show.

Winner/Time/Rating: Randy Orton/19:59/DUD

TLC World Heavyweight Championship Match: Jeff Hardy (champion) vs. C.M. Punk

Punk not only needs to win the match, but he’s got to also save the show. Good luck Punker. Pretty basic lock-up. Punk aggressively hits knees, rights, and kicks. Punk introduces a chair and hits him in the stomach. Shot to the back. Punk goes on the inside with the ladder. Hardy stops him, goes for the twist of fate, gets countered, and ends up beating him down in the corner. Punk sent outside now as Hardy sets the ladder up. He heads upstairs, but Punk kicks the ladder out from underneath him. Go 2 Sleep attempt leads to Punk being rammed into the ladder. Hardy charges Punk in the corner, but he gets dropped on to a steel chair. Punk grabs the ladder now and hits Hardy with it. More usage of the ladder. Punk kicks him and deposits him outside. Dive between the top two ropes. Table set up on the outside. Punk has the chair. He puts his neck, but Hardy wants no part of that. Instead we get Punk missing a chairshot and hitting the post. Punk about to get rammed into the stairs, but he climbs them up. Hardy has a chair ready. Hardy moves furniture and throws another chair. Punk is set up on a table as Hardy splashes… and misses badly. Ow. Bet he’s glad he’s taking time off after that bump. Punk carries another ladder into the ring.

Punk climbs up the ladder, but Hardy follows and almost gains possession of the belt. Punk with a Go 2 Sleep attempt on the ladder doesn’t work as Hardy reverses it into a powerbomb. Hardy climbs the ladder gingerly, but Punk pushes him off. Another nasty bump as Punk hits the turnbuckles legs first. Suplex attempt from the top. Another ouch as Hardy is rammed on to the ladder. Punk doesn’t look much better either. Hardy hits a twist of fate, but he hits the knees of Punk. These guys are having a match that no one else has even touched all night. Bulldog… WOW. Hardy tosses Punk on the bulldog attempt right through a table. Oh my. Both guys look the worse for wear. Hardy sets up the gigantic ladder while Punk slowly climbs up the ropes. Springboard clothesline by Punk. Hardy thrown outside again as Punk takes a steel chair. Like a noose around the neck, Hardy almost gets rammed into the stairs. Hardy stops this and hits Punk with a chair of his own three times. Another table set up . Now Hardy is clearing the ring announce table and gives Punk a good monitor shot. Chairshot to the head. Hardy grabs another huge ladder to set up for a dive through the announce table. He takes off his shirt for a cheap pop. Referees hold the ladder at least. Yeah, it’s kind of stupid, but considering what might happen if Hardy falls off the ladder, I’ll take my chances. Hardy jumps and does indeed put Punk through the table. Incredible. Medical folks come out to check on both guys. They try to put Hardy on a stretcher, but he refuses. Punk can’t even climb the ladder. He sees Hardy and limps up the ladder. Both men at the top of the ladder now. Each men gets their hands on the belt. Punk gets one good right hand and it’s over. CM PUNK WINS THE MAIN EVENT OF SUMMERSLAM!!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!! Pardon me while I get a Pepsi to celebrate.

Winner/Time/Rating: C.M. Punk/21:35/****1/4

-We’re not done yet. Punk celebrates over Hardy until… the lights go out. The Undertaker is ready to make his return. Punk doesn’t seem scared. UNTIL UNDERTAKER COMES FROM UNDER THE RING. CHOKESLAM. Sending the crowd happy is all well and good, but you could have just had the bong and brought back ‘Taker on television so Punk could celebrate.

Final Thoughts: Congratulations to Punk and Hardy for saving Summerslam. This was a thumbs down show until the main event. Thanks to their effort, I give this show a thumbs in the middle. I’d recommend going out of your to see that match and the opener. The RAW portion of this show hurt the show a lot, but that should come as no surprise. Orton and Cena may not have technically been a DUD, but the booking did a lot of the work. Just a horrible way to end a world title match for the Wrestlemania of the summer. Christian and Regal could have had a nice three star match if they had ten minutes, but Kane and Khali has to settle their precious feud. In fact, Kofi and Miz could have been on this show as a way of pushing new talent. But that would require the creative team to be… creative.

Thumbs in the middle for Summerslam, but I just don’t know about WWE sometimes.

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Do you remember the first time you saw Monday Night RAW? Anyone who considers themselves a fan of professional wrestling or sports entertainment has to have seen RAW at least once in their life. For me, RAW has been more a habit and way of life moreso then just another television show. When I first became a wrestling fan back in 1995, RAW was among the first shows I started watching regularly. And no matter how bad it got and despite that little Nitro program, I remained loyal to the WWF brand. I sat through the T.L. Hoppers, The Goons, and Vince McMahon’s announcing because in my mind, this was the home team. Of course, it all also helped I was 11 and words like “workrate” and “moveset” entered my vernacular.

Forget the weekends. I love my Monday nights most of all because of what WWF had to offer. I was absolutely engrossed in the storylines involving Steve Austin, Mick Foley, The Rock, and even the real D-Generation X.

Over the last six months, my interest in RAW has eroded. I’d say slowly eroded, but at this point it just seems like I woke up one day and just began hating this program. There are a number of things I’ve grown tired of, three of which are the main eventers and alleged draws of this brand (and also the company).

I don’t know about you but it seems as though Triple H, Randy Orton, and John Cena have wrestled each other 500 times on Pay-Per-Views. I can’t even be made to care about yet another Orton/Cena match when the odds are good they’ll have another match, maybe as soon as September’s “Breaking Point.” And why should I care about Cena winning yet another world championship when’s been the champion so many times already. And who’s going to challenge him for said title? The Miz? Buried six feet under multiple times by Cena. Jack Swagger? Too busy in a mid-card feud with MVP. Big Show? No one wants to see that. That leaves Randy Orton and of course the king of this brand… Triple H.

And how about Triple H? Amazing how a guy could be on Smackdown for a year, yet it still feels like he’s been dominating RAW since the beginning of time. Of course he’s engaged in a rivalry with Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes. Since Hunter brought back his little buddy and trusty sidekick Shawn Michaels, you might as well just refer to The Legacy as The Spirit Squad. The group that I once was laughing with… I find myself laughing at. Here are two forty year old man acting like a pair of Looney Tunes. Beavis and Butthead have become Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. One can only hope Dibiase and Rhodes at least avoid being placed in a crate with the little F-C-W on the side.

As bad as the skits involving yet another reunion of D-X were, the more insulting aspects involved the guest hosts. It’s not that the concept of the hosts have ended up as a complete failure. It’s that the execution has led to some awful editions of the show I once made appointment television.

From Jeremy Piven referring to Summerslam as “Summerfest” to Dr. Ken being as annoying of a human being as you could possibly find , last week might have been rock bottom for this whole host thing. Seth Green was mildly entertaining, but he was only barely taller than the midget who wrestles on RAW Shaquille O’Neal has been the highlight so far in his appearance. That brings us to this week.

Sgt. Slaughter was the latest individual to ride the guest host carousel. I guess they were trying to capitalize on the film G.I. Joe coming out, but WWE was in Canada, making this decision all the more perplexing. Slaughter kept coming out to fool the fans of Canada into believing he was a babyface only to pull the rug from under the fans. It was two hours of WWE saying “Screw you Canada.” After everything that’s happened with the Hart clan and the Benoit tragedy, you’d think the WWE would show the loyal Canadian fans some live. But that would require WWE to care. It would require them to show some decency, to actually show some class in the face of everything that’s happened the last decade.

If there’s one thing WWE has shown, it’s that they don’t care about anyone. Not the workers who kill themselves for the fans. Not their announcers like Jim Ross who they’ve tried to fire multiple times. Not their fans who they make fun of and further insult by putting on crappy RAWs and ripping the fans off by charging 40 dollars for Pay-Per-Views that feature the same five guys over and over again. Summerslam is in some ways another example of this.

As far as the Wrestlemania of the summer goes, we’re ten days away and I feel no emotion towards it. There appear to be a few decent matches, but I just don’t have the confidence in this company to book a solid three hour show. I do know that if RAW continues its’ downward spiral, ESPN’s Monday Night Football will look all the more enticing.

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-Well, it’s time for another WWE Pay-Per-View. It’s the one night a year when all the championships are on the line. I’m not quite sure why a wrestling company would be proud of the fact that they have EIGHT title belts, but the WWE sure is. This card doesn’t look all that enticing but after Victory Road last week, I can almost guarantee this will be worlds better.

-Live from the same city Dragon Gate USA was taped the night before…

-Your hosts are Scooby-Doo, Fred, Welma, Daphne, Shaggy, and Scrappy

- Unified Tag Team Title Match: Chris Jericho and ???? © vs. Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes

Oooo, this isn’t good. This eliminates Dolph since he has to wrestle later on against Rey Rey. Jericho comes out to a rather large pop and it’s teased that he couldn’t find a partner. Oh God. Our first video package of the night as we see Edge’s injury. Do we really need to see that again? Even better is Jericho’s choice for a partner. The Big Show. What a fail to start this show.

- Unified Tag Team Title Match: Chris Jericho and The Big Show © vs. Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes

Show has a new singlet. Too bad he likely won’t have a new moveset. Show starts off against Rhodes and that goes as well as you might expect. Egads what a chop. Dibiase comes in and also doesn’t do very well. Jericho is tagged in and we see our first double team move. Crowd is absolutely silent for all of this. This is what happens when you have two heel tag teams starting the show off. Show almost kills Jericho by dropping him on DIbiase. Dibiase and Rhodes finally get the advantage when Dibiase pulls the top rope and Jericho flails over. They work him over a bit, but I think the problem is Legacy has been treated like such geeks that there is no credibility with the audience. Crowd appears to be behind Jericho and Show by default. Rhodes even breaks out a moonsault!!!! Wow, that was mildly interesting. The heat segment lasts seemingly forever although it’s the best Rhodes and Dibiase have looked in months. At least they managed to get some heat on their opponents. That lasts until Show gets tagged in. Spear gets a long two count. Rhodes is tossed but skins the cat. Dibiase dropkick but he suffers a Codebreaker. Show gets the Colossal Clutch for the submission.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 9:33/STILL Unified Tag Team Champions- Chris Jericho and The Big Show/**1/2

This was an alright match. Jericho really made this match as watchable as it was going to be. The pick of Show is a major disappointment. While he may at least wrestle mostly in tag matches, he also has the potential of wrestling on multiple brands. Very scary thought to be certain.

-Josh Mathews is in the back and brings in C.M. Punk. Punk then cuts one of the biggest promos of his entire career as he runs down the fans for their support of Jeff Hardy. He absolutely owned that audience for this segment. The only critique I have is this should have been on Smackdown Friday instead of the Pay-Per-View. Still this was excellent and adds a lot of interest (at least for me) to the world heavyweight championship match.

- ECW Title Match: Tommy Dreamer © vs. Christian

Guess that interview was a little too exciting since it’s back down the ladder we go. Even in Philadelphia, Dreamer can’t get a decent crowd reaction. Also, despite Christian being on the ECW brand, he still gets a pretty big star reaction. Slaps to start followed by a little back and forth. Christian takes over briefly as a smattering of “ECW” chants break out. Christian misses a dive to the outside as Dreamer then cannonballs his opponent. After a two count, Dreamer hits a powerslam. Christian comes back and starts working on the neck. He goes for the KIllswitch. That’s reversed but Christian then applies a sleeper. Dreamer does the old Vader/Cactus Jack spot, but Christian tenaciously locks the sleeper on again. This time both men end up on the outside of the ring. Christian misses an axehandler and is facebustered. Dreamer sets Christian in the tree of woe and gets the dropkick. Reverse DDT and a missile dropkick by Christian. He missed whatever from the top and Dreamer applies a terrible-looking Cloeverleaf. Series of pinning reversals before another dropkick. Both then go for their finishers. Christian gets the Killswitch at least for the 1-2-3.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 9:31/NEW ECW Champion- Christian/**

-Nothing special her, but Dreamer was just an atrocious champion. I’m very glad Christian is the ECW champion. Unfortunately, he’s now got the unenviable task of wrestling Kozlov. If he carries that lump to a good match, he’s the wrestler of the year for 2009.

-Dreamer and Christian share a moment.

-Summerslam commercial as they show all the stars of the company. Interesting to note Jeff Hardy is one of those featured.

-Tool Grisham interviews the Unified Tag Team Champions. This relationship is all about business. Jericho mentions Edge’s name again. That feud will be epic when it happens next year. Jericho needs to keep mentioning Edge’s name and keep the heat alive.

- US Title Six Pack Challenge Match: Kofi Kingston © vs. The Big Show vs. MVP vs. The Miz vs. Carlito vs. Jack Swagger

Lillian Garcia doesn’t royally screw up the rules at least. I also like how Show completely buried all of his opponents and is now not even in the match. Way to completely bury the United States. title. Least the match will be better. I’m not even going to try and describe all the action as all six men are just going at it in the ring. Things do settle down a bit as Primo takes some amount of control. He actually looks quite good until a Gutwrench powerbomb b y Swagger. MVP and Swagger continue their ongoing rivalry with some brawling. Nice dive by Carlito onto MVP. Kofi gets Swagger one-on-one momentarily, but Miz  goes after both men. Four men then do the required suplex/powerbomb spot that comes off as being very contrived. More brawling between the six men. Finally, we get Carlito and Kofi in the ring. Then Primo interjects himself. These three have a hell of a sequence with some nearfalls. Carlito and Primo begin double-teaming, but Swagger clotheslines both men. MVP takes control. Miz stops that in short order. The Colon Brothers work… nope, Carlito turns on his brother. Kofi finally gets Trouble in Paradise for a 1-2-3.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 8:37/STILL United States champion- Kofi Kingston/**3/4

This was an okay match, but I would have preferred to see two of these guys get cut so it could just be four guys instead of six. There was almost too much action to keep track of, but at least the action was good. It’d also be nice to see these six guys get elevated since these six being paired off in television feuds could provide a great deal of freshness to RAW. It’s amazing how sucky RAW has been the last couple months, but the reality is these six guys and Evan Bourne can inject life to this very stale show. Enough Hunter, Orton, Cena, Hornswaggle, and even Santino every single week. More Kofi, Miz, Swagger, and Bourne.

-Josh Mathews interviews Randy Orton. He says stuff. I zone out.

-WWE Women’s Title Match: Michelle McCool © vs. Melina

I thought this show was going to come to a complete halt with this match. I was wrong. Michelle immediately hits a dropkick on Melina while she’s doing her splits thing. Well, that’s a star right there and this is right away better than Jenna and Sharmell. Melina gets a little too fancy with some attempted maneuvers, but both of these girls at least are working hard. Melina misses a move on the second rope and ends up on the floor. McCool takes advantage as Melina gets to do the one thing she excels at. Selling. McCool hooks a half crab. McCool and Melina somehow end up on the security wall. Nasty-looking DDT by McCool. Damn, Melina’s head bounced. Melina comes back with screams and uses her leg strength. This is followed by a dive. Drop toehold on the second rope followed by a two knees by Melina. These two girls are really beating the tar out of each other. McCool gets a belly-to-belly suplex for two. Spear into the corner but Melina heel chops, dives, but McCool reverse into a roll-up for the three.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 6:13/STILL Women’s Champion- Michelle McCool/**3/4

-That rating is not a typo. This was probably one of the most enjoyable women’s matches I’ve ever seen from the WWE. It was physical and these two girls tried to do some different things. It wasn’t exactly pretty all the time, but I’ll give them points for trying. Also, you got the sense that these two girls really hated each other, and there was an heir of intensity that 99% of these women’s matches don’t have. Big surprise here.

- WWE Title Match: Randy Orton © vs. HHH vs. John Cena

An epicly long video package sets this match up. Then we get the longest entrances in the history of match. There’s 15 minutes right there that could have been used to give more time to some of the earlier matches. The other galling part of this match is the build-up actually included mention of this match taking place at Wrestlemania 24. Two years ago is forever in this era of television. Yet here these three are wrestling again. Orton leaves the ring, but the faces go after him. Chase is on inside the ring as well.  Faces work well together early as Orton can’t get any sort of advantage.  Finally, Orton knocks Cena to the outside off the apron onto Triple H. Orton brings Cena into the ring and goes to work. Cena comes back but as he’s about to finish the match, Hunter send Cena out. Orton gains the advantage once again. The heat just immediately dies. I mean absolutely leaves the building. Orton and Triple H have their usual sequence, and you can just tell that people are burned out. Oh lovely.  A chinlock by Orton. That will help the match quality out. The two punch back and forth and Orton hits a scoop slam. As he’s ready to hit the RKO, Hunter send him into the corner before hitting the DDT. Both struggle to get up. Cena climbs to the top rope and legdrops both men… barely.

Cena fires away but falls to a neckbreaker. Back to the outside goes Cena. Triple H tries a pedigree, but he’s also deposited to the outside as well. Cena climbs in and gets kicked in the chest. As Orton is about to DDT both men, he’s sent to the outside. Cena and Hunter glare at each other. They clash like two titans. We even get the whole “yay” “boo” thing. They counter through their usual including their finishers. Hunter takes definitive control with a spinbuster. Pedigree finally gets hit, but Orton pulls Triple H out of the ring. After being sent into the stairs, Orton gets the Smackdown announce table ready for usage. All three end up around the table. Orton is sent flying into the crowd. Cena hooks the STF ON THE TABLE (cause it’s more painful there). Orton punches Cena and throws him back inside.. More punching. RKO attempt is denied as Cena tosses Orton. Both end up at the top, but Hunter runs in. Hunter is sent into the top rope crotching Orton. STF finally locked in by Cena, but Superman powers out. Cena re-applies the hold. Orton misses the punt, but not before giving one of the oddest expressions I’ve ever seen in the history of wrestling. I wish you could all see what he did. Oy vey. It looked like he wanted to rape Cena. Roll-up (way he defeated Orton Monday) only gets two. Orton clotheline and beats up both heroes.

After the most boring beatdown ever, Cena chopblocks the left knee. Triple H also goes to work on the knee. Cena charges at Hunter, but the top rope is pulled down. Triple H applies the SHARPSHOOTER. Oh my God.  It’s fairly awful too. Cena finds his way back into the ring and applies the STF. Orton taps. Instead of ringing the bell, holding the belt up, and creating some drama for RAW, the referee stands there like a jackass. Legacy runs in. Orton hits an RKO  as Cena is about to give Cody an Attitude Adjustment for the three count.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 22:22/STILL WWE Champion- Randy Orton/***

-Nothing terribly wrong with the match but itself as all three guys know how to save a sound match. The ending was a little too cute for my liking since it essentially sets up yet another match between these three men again for Summerslam. I can’t see much more heat being built up between these three since everyone is so tired of these guys wrestling each other in various combinations. I know that I want to see them separated for a long long time and see someone… ANYONE… get elevated.

-Funny backstage skit with Maryse and Miz.  These two are such douches that they need to be put together. Miz calls Maryse a tease and rips on her. Awesome.

- Divas Title Match: Maryse © vs. Mickie James

I had high hopes for this match since Mickie is one of the better female talents in WWE and Maryse is one of the more charismatic Divas in the company. The problem is Maryse cannot wrestle at all. The crowd, which actually showed some enthusiasm in the last match, took this opportunity to cool down big time. Faint “We want puppies” chant. Other than that, no dice. Crowd doesn’t care. I don’t care, Maryse applies a resthold. Still, it’s better than Jenna and Sharmell. This match is getting an awful lot of time. Maryse gets the hairspray, but James counters. Referee takes the can away. Mickie beats on Maryse outside the ring. Back inside and Maryse does more restholds. Oh boy. Mickie is pissed. She stiffs her with a punch and clothesline. Maryse just won’t die. Ugh. FINALLY a leaping DDT gets three.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 8:38/NEW Divas Champion-Mickie James/*

-This match was absolutely abysmal. Maryse is horrible, and she really needs to be used as a manager or a non-wrestler. Even using her in tag team situations is preferable to this. Also, whoever gave this eight minutes was a complete fool. Five of these minutes should have been given to one of the next two matches since it appears they’re once again going to get shorted. You’d think a company that’s been doing three hour Pay-Per-Views for 25 years would have this figured out by now.

-Interview with the Legacy geeks. Apparently, it’s just swell they didn’t win the tag team titles because Orton retained his belt. Dibiase even buries the tag belts in the middle of all of this.

- WWE IC Title Match: Rey Mysterio © vs. Dolph Ziggler

No idea what they went ahead and aired the stupid video package for this match. Jesus. Maria accompanies Dolph. I can’t believe they’re actually going to go with that pairing. Maria is a pretty girl, but does she actually have any discernible talent other than being hot?

Dropkick by Dolph starts things off. He basically uses aggressiveness and some power moves early on. Rey comes back with an f’ed up headscissors before Ziggler reverses things with a powerbomb into the turnbuckle. Headlock by Dolph and this crowd is either burned out or they’re not buying a title switch. My hunch is this is a combination of both. Another headscissors sends Ziggler into the corner. Legdrop and crossbody gets two for Rey Rey. . Powerslam by Dolph gets a two. Attempted suplex gets reversed and Ziggler is sent outside. Rey Rey leaps on him. Dolph kicks Rey in the face but a Tiger Bomb fails. 619 countered and now Rey Rey gets tossed outside the ring. Punches lead into a chinlock. Another powerslam only gets two. Leaping elbow drop also gets two. Really nothing technically wrong with the match, but no one is buying a title switch.  Full nelson. Ziggler tries more power moves but cannot get the three. Even the beginnings of a Mysterio comeback doesn’t get much of a pop. HUGE  dropkick by Ziggler as Mysterio jumps off the top rope. Only a two count again. Ziggler misses a charge, but manages to hit a top rope gutbuster. 619 and splash come out of nowhere and get three

-Time/Winner/Rating: 14:23/STILL IC champion- Rey Mysterio/***

If the crowd gave a lick about this match or there was the sense that the championship could possibly change hands, I would give this ***1/2 without feeling much guilt about it. As it is, it was just a good match and not much more.

- World Title Match: CM Punk © vs. Jeff Hardy

Pretty incredible that these two guys are closing the show. Good for both involved, especially Punk since this is his first main event on a Pay-Per-View. Crowd chants for Hardy pretty emphatically. Punk is just absolutely playing the smarmy heel at this point and doing a lot of trash-talking early on in the match. Good fast-paced start before Punk applies a chinlock. Missed dive by Punk of all people and Hardy capitalizes with a neckbreaker. He goes for the swanton, but Punk rolls outside. Hardy misses a dive of his own. Punk wants the referee to count Hardy out.  Hardy comes in at eight, and Punk works him over some more. Three people in the front row take Jeff Hardy very seriously as they stomp their feet and pound the security wall with a fiery passion. If only the rest of the crowd was this passionate about anything that’s happened tonight. Hardy with a second rope implant DDT and the crowd goes… apathetic. Ugh. I hate Philadelphia. Both guys are on their feet and they exchange rights. Hardy tries the swanton again and Punk knocks him down. Running knee but the bulldog fails. Whisper in the wind only gets two. By the way, the look of feigned shock on Punk’s face when he hit the knee was brilliant. Swanton misses again. Welcome to Chicago leads to a modified dragon sleeper. Hardy gets to the ropes Punk is ready with more kicks and strikes. Hardy gets a Twist of Fate. He takes his shirt off and the swanton fails again. This time, Punk gets the knees up. Punk goes to the top now. Series of reversals leads to a Go 2 Sleep. ONLY TWO. Another try and again only two. Third time once again gets only two.  Punk grabs his title belt and heads to the back. Ross accidentally says the word belt, and Grisham quickly mentions Punk taking his title back. Hardy send Punk back into the ring and finally hits the swanton. 1-2-3. New champion.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 14:58/NEW World Heavyweight Champion- Jeff Hardy/***1/2

I love how they have a brand new heel who they gave a ton of promo time to earlier in the show… and have him job. They had him lose two non-title matches to John Morrison. Now this. What the hell is WWE thinking about? Do they even care about giving their heels heat? I guess not since he got jobbed out here. The match itself was really quite good, but why should I want to see yet another match between these two when it’s obvious to a lot of people Hardy is leaving but Punk has basically been treated like a loser the last month.

Final Thoughts: The crowd hurt this show a lot as many of the matches had zero heat. Nothing was overtly bad except the Divas title match, and even in that case the right woman won. I guess the problem with WWE right now is I have a complete dispassionate response to much of what they do. Instead of letting a young guy team with Jericho, they put the very stale Big Show in the slot. The same three guys were the RAW main event that have been in the main event the last three years.

My thumb is firmly in the middle for Night of Champions. Nothing really spectacular but not anything offensive . Only real pleasant surprise turned out to be the women’s title match. And again, I’m not kidding about that.

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I know what you’re thinking. Jerome bragged and bragged about not spending 40 bucks for this Pay-Per-View. Yet here I am reviewing the show just 24 hours later. I’ll let you use your imaginations on how yours truly is reviewing the show. And to show you what a swell guy I am, you’re even getting STAR RATINGS. With all that in mind…

We begin with one of those overdone overdramatic video packages that still doesn’t make me care about Randy Orton and Triple H in the slightest.

-Live from Philadelphia, California (I’ll explain this as the show goes on.)

-Your hosts are the six dwarves. The seventh got future endeavored before the show.

- ECW Title Scramble Match: Tommy Dreamer © vs. Christian vs. Finlay vs. Jack Swagger vs. Mark Henry

I’d say I’m glad to get the crap out of the way, but I get the sense that this might be at the top of the heap quality wise. I like how they explain the rules but won’t use the word time limit. Swagger and Christian start. Good idea since they’re probably the best workers on the brand right now. These two have their usual match and a SWANK takedown is done by Swagger. “Let’s go Christian” chants as the net entrant comes in. Fit Finlay runs in and he nails Christian . He just goes nuts on Swagger and Christian. I only wish it could be these three for the remainder of the match. Christian comes back but Swagger drags him outside. Swagger gets a three count on a roll-up and is now the “current ECW champion.” Finlay is getting his eye examined as Christian gets The Kill Switch reversed. Crowd is very into this, very good since the ECW guys never get this much heat. Tommy Dreamer now runs in and goes mad as Finlay did moments ago. Man, even Dreamer is getting heat. Something in the air tonight. Something gets really botched with Christian in the tree of woe and Swagger tries to throw Dreamer. Things just stop for a second. The four competitors wonder around the outside before Finlay hits the Celtic Cross for three. Now he is the current champion. No word yet on the “allotted time” at any point. These guys seem to be walking around like lost puppies. Must have run out of stuff to do before Mark Henry walks in. He sucks as a wrestle, but his theme music is awesome. Big suplex spot as we’ve got five minutes left in something WWE won’t call a time limit. Henry hits The World’s Strongest Slam for three. Now they focus on Henry for a tic and send him outside. Swagger is deposited as well. Christian is sent out while Finlay and Dreamer each separately dive onto Swagger. Christian feels left out and dives. Mark Henry also wants to join the party but Swagger chop blocks him, reverse splashes him, and pins him. Christian engages the Kill Switch but Dreamer breaks up the pin. He gets the DDT and three. The crowd DIES. Wow. Dreamer bcame the champion, and this crowd went absolutely apathetic. They’re not even popping for the numerous two counts done in the final minute. Why is Dreamer covering people?

What a poorly booked match. The ending was completely anti-climatic and the wrong guy one. Crowd seemed to want of these other four guys to win but Dreamer slithers away with the belt. Four more weeks of him as champion? No buys.

Time/Winner/STAR RATING: 14:57/Tommy Dreamer (still ECW champion)/*1/2

-Referee takes forever to give Dreamer the belt for whatever reason. This would start the theme of wasting a ton of time.

-We get a GODDAMN TELEVISION COMMERCIAL ON A WWE PAY-PER-VIEW. WHAT?

-Edge complains to Teddy Long about not being on the Pay-Per-View, more specificallywanting the world title match made into a world title three way. Edge says Long will end up like Vickie, without a job. Nice suit on Long.

- IC Title vs. Mask Match: Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio

Swear to God, if this doesn’t get 15 minutes, this show is an automatic thumbs down. No arguments. They show some of the greatness that’s led into this match. No video package for this of course despite the fact that this has been the best angle in WWE during 2009. Jim Ross spouts off some mask history. See, we need Mike Tenay circa 1998 for this match. Charles Robinson is the referee, so this is a WCW reunion. Bell rings and there are some LOUD “Y2J” chants. Really? In California? Someone needs to tell these fans that Jericho is a heel and should be booed. Jericho holds the early advantage before a rana takes him outside. Mysterio attacks but is viciously thrown into the rail. Wow. Continued “Y2J” chants. Jericho takes Rey Rey to school now with a suplex and then a reverse chinlock. Mysterio briefly shows signs of life but a backbreaker snuffs that out. Dropkick to the outside and Jericho just looks at the crowd with the smuggest look ever. Mysterio with a kick and a series of forearms. Jericho with a one-footed dropkick into the chinlock again. Mysterio back kicks and Jericho is sent flying. Big dive onto the outside. Cross body gets two back in the ring. Mysterio springboard moonsaults off two of the ropes. 1-2-NO! Powerslam. 1-2-NOO! Jericho slows the pace down as the Mysterio fans make their presence known. Moonsault by Mysterio gets two. Attempted facebuster turned into the Walls of Jericho. Mysterio… just… gets…to the ropes. 619 misses and Jericho hits a vicious clothesline. Both guys at the top. Hurancanrana turned into a powerbomb from the top. Even with his feet on the ropes, Jericho gets two. Lionsault misses. Hurancanrana is hit this time and gets two. Dropkick to the back . Jericho reverses the 619, but Mysterio reverses the reversal. OH MY GOD! Jericho gets the codebreaker off another reversal. 1-2-NOOOOOOO! Jericho is indignant. Mysterio is rammed into the top turnbuckle. Both guys are at the top again. Doesn’t work out well. Mysterio finally hits the 619 but the West Coast Pop is REVERSED. WALLS OF JERICHO! Series of pinfalls now. Jericho rips Mysterio’s mask, but he’s wearing ANOTHER ONE! 1-2-3!

Jim Ross called this a main event, and I was not inclined to disagree. Regardless of how good or bad this show, you need to see this match. This is the second best match WWE has produced this year. I’m not even gonna nitpick about time or the angle being short-shrifted. This was an awesome match, and nothing could possibly follow it.

Time/Winner/STAR RATING: 15:44/Rey Mysterio (New Intercontinental Champion)/****1/2

-Advertisement for Summerslam… Aren’t they forgetting about a Pay-Per-View or is that one going to be a secret too?

- A look at this past Monday. Amazing how they’ve shown it on ECW, Superstars, and Smackdown yet I still don’t care and have fast-forwarded through it each and every time.

-Jericho now complains to Teddy Long about Mysterio having two masks. Long says in one month, it’ll be five years for him as GM. Suddenly, I get a very sick feeling.

-Dolph Ziggler video package. Wait… he gets one but mask versus title doesn’t? That’s also no buys

- NO DQ Match: Dolph Ziggler vs. The Great Khali

I don’t mind this on free television but paying for this is a whole nother story. All I ask is that they keep it short.

Ziggler bumps like a champ, but Khali’s attempts at selling are comical. Pretty vicious champs too. Ziggler does some leg work and introduces a chair. Uh oh. FAMEASSER! FAMEASSER! Leave the memories alone there Dolph. Billy Gunn reminders are not appreciated, especially considering how much you look like him. Oh God. Kane is back. Ziggler blitzes with a chair. Now Kane takes the chair and beats up Khali. Crowd cheers this even though Kane is clearly a heel and Khali is a face. It’s academic as Ziggler gets a BS victory. Way to push the young talent WWE. Just wait. It gets worse.

While I’m happy Dolph is moving on to something bigger (hopefully) and better, we now get a Khali/Kane feud. It sucked at Wrestlemania 23 and it will likely suck more now.

Time/Winner/STAR RATING: 5:01/Dolph Ziggler/ ½*

-Vince and Teddy talk some more. Vince says Teddy has accomplished nothing and says that numerous other unemployed GMs have done better. Vince says he would shoot himself from boredom if he was in a foxhole with Teddy and mocks his dance. Yeah Vince, go fuck yourself. Teddy must be leaving WWE, and they’re giving him one of their grand send-offs.

-12 Rounds DVD Commercial

-Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole talk while the Carlitos come to ringside. They make a note about them being able to defend against teams from any other brand. Michael Cole also says he can identify with Teddy Long after a question by Lawler. Hilarious.

- Unified Tag Team Title Match: Carlito and Primo Colon © vs. Legacy

Should be noted that Dibiase is wearing different colored tights then Rhodes. Teddy Long appears and adds a new team. Edge comes out, and the first name that pops to my mind… CHRISTIAN. Awwww. It’s Jericho. First time I’ve ever said that. So now we have:

- Unified Tag Team Title Match: Carlito and Primo Colon © vs. Legacy vs. Rated Y2J

The other teams are not happy. Basically, the Legacy/Colons issue is out the window at this point. They do get to start, but Jericho tags in. He doesn’t last long as it’s once again Legacy and Primo. “We want Christian” chants. Who died and made the California fans snarky? Does Matt Winton know this? Clearly this was a last minute decision because most of the spots are being done by the two RAW teams. Strictly back and forth as they’re on the other side of Rated Y2J. Edge finally tags in to a huge babyface pop. He misses a spear and Dibiase tags in. Crowd is asleep except when the main eventers enter. “Edge” chants now with some “Edge and Christian” chants mixed in as well. I just watched the American Wolves against Bryan Danielson and Tyler Black from the Markham show. This isn’t even half as good as that match. Doesn’t help the two best workers in the match have spent the majority of the match on the outside. Carlito picks the pace up when he gets tagged in. Uh oh. Jericho runs in and gets the codebreaker. Carlito punches Edge. As Carlito takes Dibiase out of the corner, Edge tags him Carlito hits the Backcracker. Edge then tags Carlito with a spear. Three count and we have NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!!!!

If these guys don’t wrestle on every brand for the next six months, WWE fails. I don’t even care so much that they essentially buried the RAW duos because I’d rather see Jericho and Edge on RAW, ECW, and Smackdown anyway.

Time/Winner/STAR RATING: 9:39/Edge and Chris Jericho (NEW Unified Tag Team Champions)/**

-Randy Orton doesn’t care about Dibiase and Rhodes not winning the tag belts. Dibiase yells at Randy. It’s far too early for tension between these guys. These Legacy guys are dorks. Build them up. Then have Dibiase go bonkers and become the babyface you think he can be for the company.

- WWE Women’s Title Match: Melina © vs. Michelle McCool

Maryse has a great personality. Beth Phoenix and Mickie James are fine women’s professional wrestlers. Yet McCool and Melina get on the Pay-Per-View. Must be nice banging wrestler in high places. I leave it to the reader to figure out the context of that statement. This might be a Pay-Per-View, but I’m still not doing play-by-play. All that needs to be said is these girls stiffed the bajesus out of each other and there was lots of screaming. I’ll also point out that these girls got to wrestle in complete silence. How is becoming the women’s champion of each brand prestigious? They’re both WWE belts, and it’s case of circumstances allowing someone to be able to hold both belts, not skill. This match is going on forever. At least it’s not as bad as you would think and I feared. McCool wins with the match and the championship with the STYLES CLASH. Hey, when you can’t even execute the damn thing properly, you don’t get to call it the dumbass name WWE gave it.

Time/Winner/STAR RATING: 6:35/Michelle McCool (new women’s champion)/Michelle McCool/*

-Jim Ross says it’s time for the main event. Nice dig at RAW there.

- World Title Match: CM Punk © vs. Jeff Hardy

Punk gets boss, and Hardy gets the cheers. Punk kisses the belt ala Bret Hart. Crowd is chanting Hardy heavily while Punk just smiles smugly. Feeling out process. Thank God Hardy dumped the goofy facepaint. arHard Hardy works a headlock and gets the crowd to chant for him. Punk hooks in his own headlock. Shoulder tackle. Punk sets up for the Go 2 Sleep but is reversed. Hardy tries the Twist of Face but no dice. Punk ends up outside the ring. Hardy dives on Punk and rams him into the rail. He misses whatever, and Punk goes back inside the ring. Punk interferes with the count because he’s such a swell guy… or he wants the ref to count faster. Two count as Punk yells at referee Scott Armstrong. Yeah, I said his name. Wanna fight about it? Punk figure fours the head now, and Punk follows up with a backbreaker. Back to the figure four but Hardy reaches the rope. Punk misses a second rope leg drop and then a Stinger splash. Hardy gets the Whisper in the Wind for two. Clothesline. Another one. Hardy then gets atomic drop. Legdrop followed by a dropkick to the head. Then a front forward suplex. Punk gets out of the way but Hardy hits another clothesline. Dropkick into the corner but this almost turns out badly. Punk stiffs hardy with a kick and knee. Ouch. Bulldog gets another two count. Kicks to the knees but the roaring elbows (MISAWA!)don’t work. Hardy takes his shirt off but misses the Swanton. Punk makes the sign for Go 2 Sleep but Hardy gets an inside cradle for another two. Another stiff kick but another Go 2 Sleep attempt is turned into a Swanton. He connects this time and gets three. GOD- Wait. Punk’s foot was underneath the rope. Armstrong says the match must continue. Hardy is obviously not happy

We re-start. Now it’s on, but Punk gets an elbow to the eye. He sells it very well. And he kicks Armstrong in the back. That was actually a very creative finish. If you paid 40 dollars for the show, I imagine you’re not happy, but this was a great way to further Punk’s heel turn (if that’s where they’re going with this). Punk continues to oversell the eye.

Time/Winner/STAR RATING: 15:04/Jeff Hardy by DQ/***

-Hardy shows poor sportsmanship by attacking Punk after the match. What a jerk. Referees break it up as Punk continues to sell the eye. This is so awesome.

-The Colons complain to Teddy Long about getting hosed. The Colons speak Spanish. Guess we know what’s going to happen tomorrow night. Rated Y2J vs. Colons. Count me in.

- I know I called Tyler Black the Lex Luger of our generation, but Hardy is absolutely challenging him for that title. It’s going to be a race, but one of these two men will receive this honor in the year end awards.

-Randy Orton is… CALLING SCODY RHODES ON HIS CELLPHONE. What a heel.

We’re running woefully short on time, but we get an extended video package showcasing the John Cena/Miz feud. Dumb.

- John Cena vs. The Miz

This feud could have been so great and really elevated Miz to unprecedented levels. I’ve got very little hope that WWE does the right thing here and puts Miz over.

The announcers make it clear Miz isn’t in Cena’s league. Then five minutes later, it’s made clear Miz isn’t in Cena’s league because he’s jobbed out. Even worse, he taps with both hands like a jobber when he’s put into the STF. What is this? Fucking ROH on HDnet? Superstars? Way to bury someone who could have been a star. Fucking awesome WWE. You give Cena a victory against someone he could have had an extended program with because… you’re afraid? WCW did this same bullshit on Pay-Per-View after Pay Per-View, and they’re dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. But I guess seeing another Cena/Big Show match is more important than elevating people.

Time/Winner/STAR RATING: 5:40/John Cena/*

-One more thing. John Morrison should hug Chris Jericho, Edge, and CM Punk because as awkward as his face turn has been, he’s at least being elevated. He’s having very good matches and even got to pin the world champion clean as a whistle. Miz? Just another geek mid-carder.

-Another extended video package despite the fact that there’s about a half hour left for this show. Someone should tell Kevin Dunn people pay to see the matches, not the pretty little video packages that are put together.

-WWE Title Three Stages of Hell Match: Randy Orton © vs. HHH

- (The 1st Fall is a Regular Match, The 2nd Fall is Falls Count Anywhere Match, If Needed, the 3rd Fall is a Stretcher Match.)

That last match completely turned me off to this show. I’d complain about the time again, but I have no interest in watching Triple H and Orton. They actually get to call this a wrestling match. Wonder if Vince is backstage pouting because that evil word has to be used. Orton and Triple H have a rather weak start with some not so intense brawling. Orton starts working the leg. I roll my eyes. B-O-R-I-N-G. Orton works the leg a lot. Triple H gets sent to the outside. He then grabs a chair and nails Orton. Orton wins the first fall at 4:52 by disqualification. Hunter uses the chair to further destroy Orton. Since it’s Falls Count Anywhere, it doesn’t matter. Orton is so beat up that he goes outside. Triple H follows him, hits the pedigree on the outside, and wins the second fall in 1:24. That thump Orton’s head made was just plain nasty. The stretcher is brought out and the line is established. Orton gets up and kicks the stretcher at Hunter’s leg. Back to the leg work now. Lovely. They take their fight into the crowd. Of course the PG rating means no blood and things not getting too intense. Orton gets so frustrated at one point he rips the padding off the rails. He hits Hunter with them, and it makes a far better sound then you’d think. He then rams Triple H into the steel a few times for good measure. Orton continues to dominate the fall. Orton begins moving furniture and send s the steps into the ring. As he’s about to hit Hunter, he feels the wrath of a drop toehold. That was pleasant. Orton gets nailed with the stairs. Now it’s time to go for a ride. Orton prevents the loss barely. Hunter and Orton end up on the stretcher, and they roll. Wow, what an incredibly dangerous maneuver. Orton DDTs Hunter off the stretcher onto the steel ramp. Back body drop sets Triple H up right on the stretcher. He rolls, but Hunter manages to get himself off. Orton readies the RKO but Hunter sends him into the sign. Pedigree but both men are down. As Triple H is finally about to end this feud, Cody Rhodes interferes. Again, Triple H is about to win, but Dibiase makes his triumphant return. Rhodes joins him. Triple H manages to fight all three guys. Cody must be having flashbacks to his father and his ability to fight off the odds. Hunter introduces Mr. Slegdey, but Orton hits a low blow and nails him with a piece of the stage. He finally pulls Hunter over the yellow line at 15:06.

This was barely better then the Wrestlemania main event, but there was a little drama thanks to the interference by the Legacy dorks. Still, I have a hunch these two are getting another match at “Night of Champions.” Hell in a Cell maybe? Anyway you slice it, I’m not looking forward to ever seeing these guys against each other ever again.

Time/Winner/STAR RATING: 21:22/Randy Orton (still WWE champion)/**1/2

After the match, Triple H hits Orton in the back with the sledgehammer because God forbid this feud ever ends, and God forbid Orton gets any heat whatsoever.

Final Thoughts: I have to give this show a thumbs down because there was far too much stupidity for me to justify saying “Spend 40 bucks on this.” I do have high standards for these shows primarily because of the expense. The Cena squash was very anger inducing and soured me on the show a great deal. Orton and Hunter was at least better then Mania but not even as good as the match they had Monday. Guess which one people had to pay for though? There were also a couple matches (Melina/McCool and Ziggler/Khali) that had no business on this show when guys like Edge, John Morrison, the Hart Dynasty, and John Morrison weren’t booked.

However, there was still some goodness to be found amidst the maddening sucktitude. Jericho and Rey had a definite match of the year candidate with all kinds of reverals, nearfalls, and a really good finish that has been built up from past matches. I’m also coming under the assumption that Edge is hurt based on him being used in a tag match and only really doing the spear. Edge and Jericho as a team is very interesting, and they NEED to be used on every brand. They can feud with anyone or team and make them better. Finally, Punk is the most interesting he’s ever been as he leans closer to being a heel. I liked the ending but can see why people would get mad about it.

Hopefully, we can make this a monthly deal where the site can produce a report every month. Until then, we’ll see you for RAW tonight.

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Hello everybody, welcome back to “In the Raw”. Going into this week I was optimistic, you might even say joyful. You see, I was under the assumption that after last week’s horrid episode, that it couldn’t get any worse and truly was going to be better this week. Why did I think this you ask? Because, I’m an optimist and a moron. That my friend is what we call a “deadly combination” (like a hot chick who is really smart). So let’s get to this episode of TV. 

Batista Promo

Batistia is out in the ring cutting a promo saying he did all of this for the fans and for Ric Flair. He did it for those of us who are sick and tired of the antics of “The Viper” Randy Orton (why didn’t that nickname stick?), this of course is when Orton comes out. Once in the ring Orton stares a hole through Batista’s head (figuratively but you have to admit that’d be pretty sweet), and that is when Rhodes and DiBiase come on out and they ambush Batista. What ensues is pretty cool because the WWE is allowing these three men to get heat! No way quicker to get heat than to take out the top babyface. Of course this was all done to cover up Batista’s very really tendon tear in his bicep. They finally stretcher Batista out, and moments after “having his armed snapped” (King’s words not mine), he seems very very calm and like he is no pain at all. As he’s being put into the ambulance he keeps saying that he wants his title. Let me tell you something, I’ve broken both of my elbows in my life and for the hour after the incident happened all I could think about was “Oh my god, oh my god, this hurts like hell!!!”. Not once did my mind wander, and Big Dave’s shouldn’t after he GOT HIS ARMED SNAPPED!!!! Welcome to Bad Booking 101 today’s subject: under-selling!

Kofi Kingston VS William Regal

Regal says that during this trying times, we don’t need a Jamaican as our United States Champion. We need someone with class, and he can be our savior (not to be confused with Enrique Ingleses who can be our hero baby). Something occurred to me during his promo, what if Regal wins and then throws the United States Championship to the ground saying he doesn’t wish to hold the piece of garbage, then the following week brings back the European Championship? Not only would this get him over as an arrogant prick, but it’d also bring back a title more prestigious (to me anyways) than the US Championship. Anyways, Kofi wins the match and retains his championship with the Trouble In Paradise.

Legacy promo

Orton informs everyone that tonight he’s invoking his rematch clause, and that Batista has until the count of ten to make it to the ring or Randy Orton is champion. This perplexed me due to WWE having the rule that belts cannot change hands under count out. What is this TNA? Anyways, Josh Matthews (who is conducting the interview) doesn’t believe Orton, and Orton tells him to go ask Vickie. Honestly, that part of the promo truly felt like a little child talking to his sibling.

Maryse VS Kelly Kelly

Mickie James was the special guest commentator for this match (which is always nice seeing her), and it was mentioned if Mickie were to win the Diva’s Championship, she’d be the first woman to hold both the Women’s Championship, and the Diva’s Championship. Marsye ended up defeating Kelly Kelly. They plugged how next week’s Raw is 3 hours long and all 3 titles will be defended. This is bad news for me, because 2 hours of Raw booking drives me insane, so three hours will have me turning into Michael Myers (the killer not the comedian who was once funny).

Lawler and Cole (VINTAGE!) make some swine flu jokes and show highlights from Vickie VS Santina. Actually, it seemed like they showed the entire thing to me, which is sad because that sucked just about as much as that Jackie Gayda match. This segment proved that WWE is out of touch with what’s funny these days, as swine flu jokes stopped being funny about a week after it all started.

Vickie Interview

Vickie says that indeed Batista will “defend” his championship against Orton tonight, and that she also has a huge announcement that will “change Raw forever”. They’re firing the writing staff?!

Jamie Noble, Brian Kendrick, and Chavo Gurrero VS Santino Marella, Goldust, and Festus

A few interesting things in this match, one of them being that apparently this Festus character (who I was unfamiliar with but apparently had been with WWE for quite sometime) seems to have stolen a bit of Delirious’ shtick. When the bell rings, both men go crazy. I’m calling gimmick infringement. The other interesting thing was the heel team, my god they could do wonders together. The thought of these three being a normal team sounds very good to me. Hell, the thought of Kendrick and Noble being a solid tag team sounds very very good to me. Santino beats Jamie Noble with a rollup.

John Cena VS The Miz

The match never got started due to Big Show coming on down and putting the hurt on Cena. Big Show puts Cena in the Camel Clutch, then Miz nails Big Show with multiple chair shots before turning his attention to an out cold Cena. Something I don’t like about this “feud” is The Miz claiming he’s undefeated against Cena. Of course you’re undefeated, you’ve never truly faced one another. I’m 100-0 in matches against Terry Funk so shut it Miz.

MVP VS Matt Hardy

You know, out of all the terrible things in WWE right now, this is something I can get behind. The United States Championship is being built up week in and week out with young guys vying for it. It’s simple and straight to the point. No need for convoluted storylines of why Wrestler A is facing Wrestler B, just good old fashioned wrestling. Now if they could only give the matches more than five minutes, I’d be happy as hell. MVP wins via pinfall after the Playmaker.

Vickie Gurrero promo

Vickie comes out and announces that she’s stepping down as Raw General Manager, which is a mixed bag for me. On one hand, I hate her; on the other she is the biggest constant source of heat in the company. Edge comes out and makes fun of Vickie, which provides more evidence of my theory that they’re going to turn Edge face very soon.

John Cena promo

Cena cuts his usual promo, but with one minor change: he’s not selling a damn thing that just took place. Instead he’s standing there with sweat, not even a tad bit of pain on his face after being assaulted by a steel chair. Maybe he IS Superman after all.

Ted DiBiase JR and Cody Rhodes VS Carlito and Primo Colon

Nice little tag team contest in this. DiBiase and Rhodes win it when DiBiase pins Primo. Apparently, now next week DiBiase and Rhodes get a shot at the Unified Tag Team Championship. If they win, or even have a long feud with Carlito and Primo, then that’d be another good thing WWE does.

Randy Orton VS Batista

Orton comes down to the ring and is flanked by DiBiase and Rhodes. After the introductions for both men, the ref signals for the bell and begins to count. They show backstage that the ambulance is back, and this prompts the ref to stop counting at 9, which pissed me off. Just because he MIGHT be there doesn’t mean you stop counting. The rules stated that he must be IN THE RING by the count of ten, not outside in a gods damned ambulance. The camera then cuts back and forth from the ring to the ambulance several times, finally revealing that it’s Triple H and not Batista. Oh joy. Triple H comes to the ring, but Rhodes and DiBiase run up the ramp in an attempt to stop him. Silly tag team, he’s on the booking team he can’t be stopped by you guys! HHH quickly lays out both men, and then focuses his attention on Orton. Before getting in the ring, Trips drops his trusty sledgehammer to the ground, which made me hopeful that he’d decide to turn heel in that very moment. Sadly, he rushes the ring and then kills all heat that Orton worked so very hard to gain earlier in the night. The show then ends when Triple H gives Orton the Pedigree onto a steel chair. Once the WWE logo flashed, I lost it. In no way whatsoever does that solve their problem of their Champion being on the injured list. Why the f*** would you book the stipulation that Batista had to make it to the ring by ten, only to throw the match out? A better way would have been at the top of the show once Legacy destroyed Batista, have Orton invoke his rematch clause then and there and pin Batista to regain his championship. Instead, we’ve got a hurt champion, a heel with 0% heat, and the boss’s daughter’s husband as the top face once more. Sometimes I wish I had decided to cover TNA instead.

Well, that’s all for this week folks. I hope you enjoyed Raw more than I did, and I’ll see you back here next week for the three-hour edition. Until then, good night and good luck.

 

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Hello everyone, welcome back to “In the Raw”. Let’s get this thing started:

 

The Legacy (Orton, DiBiase Jr, and Rhodes) are in the ring cutting a promo. The usual schtick of how he’s going to beat Batista, then he flips a coin to see who will face Batista tonight. Rhodes “wins” the coin toss”.  Orton then exits the cage to signify his victory this Sunday, and Ric Flair comes out. Flair proceeds to cut a promo calling Orton a punk several times and challenges Orton to a fight in the parking lot later tonight. Orton of course accepts.

Batista VS Cody Rhodes: Batista hits the spear and the Batista Bomn on Rhodes to win a short match.

Backstage Big Show is in Vickie’s office along with Chavo. Big show complains about having to team with The Miz tonight. They both say that’s fine because Cena is going to have a partner he doesn’t like. Vickie produces a bag full of names of “everyone on the Raw roster”, and tells Show to reach on in and grab one. Show reaches in and pulls out Chavo’s name.

Kelly Kelly and Mickie James VS Maryse and Beth Phoenix: Maryse pins Kelly with a DDT.

The Colon’s VS Matt Hardy and William Regal: Carlito hits the backstabber for the win in a tag match that I enjoyed.

The Miz and Big Show VS John Cena and Chavo Gurrero: The finish comes when Big Show knocks The Miz out, and Chavo grabs the pinfall victory. Chavo tries to celebrate with Cena, but Cena gives him the FU. Cena and Show then fight, until Show is able to knock out Cena with a big punch. He then proceeds to put on the Camel Clutch. This match shows how far ahead WWE thinks. They have these two booked in a Submission match, and the week before the PPV they realize Big Show has no submission moves established.

Kofi Kingston VS MVP United States Championship match: Kofi wins with a rollup in a nice match that was clearly the match of the night.

Vickie VS Santio Marella: Vickie brings two buckets of “slop” to the ring with her. Santino tries to throw one of them on Vickie, but Hardy and Regal take the brunt of it. After being covered with “slop” Regal and Hardy proceed to beat Santino down. Once he’s laid out in the middle of the ring, Vickie pours the other bucket onto Santino.

Randy Orton VS Ric Flair: Well, now I can really rant. This match was a bad idea from the second whatever moron writer thought of it. Orton goes to the parking lot and is looking around as if he’s scared….and yet he’s the heel in all this. Flair comes out of nowhere and dominates Orton more or less all the way out to the ring area. Flair slaps the Figure Four onto Orton on the announce table, prompting DiBiase and Rhodes to run down and put the beatdown on Flair. So, the WWE Champion couldn’t beat up the man who qualifies for AARP, but the two midcarders who get destroyed week in and week out can? They throw Flair into the ring (where the cage has been lowered), and then lock Orton in there with Flair all alone. Batistsa runs down to ringside once the door is locked, chasing off DiBiase and Rhodes. Batista then shakes the cage trying to break the walls, and/or break the lock on the cage. I guess the big dumby didn’t think of CLIMBING THE CAGE!!! Orton nails the RKO on Flair, and a very weak weak punt. The show goes off the air with Batista and Orton staring one another down with Batista yelling at Orton “I’m going to break you in half!!” which is HIGHLY unlikely.

To express how much this show sucked is nearly impossible. I guess the best way I can describe it is imagine if THAT Jackie Gayda match had a child with the movie Glitter. Yeah, it was bad. Clearly not the best “Go Home” show they’ve ever done. Until next week, I’m Zane Thornsberry.

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Hello everyone, I hope you all enjoyed your Memorial Day (unless you’re not American, then I hope you had a nice Monday). This weeks column is going to be different than the first, as I want to find my niche with this column. This week I’m just planning on ranting and raving about what upset me, and praising the (very few) good things. Without further ado, let’s get to the crazy man blabbering.

So of course, the big thing going into Raw last night was the building issue. For those of you who don’t know, Vince had the stadium in Denver booked for Raw, but had to move it do to a Nuggets VS Lakers playoff game. So what does a wrestling promoter do when he gets a new rival? Why he runs in their town (see the death of the territories)!

Naturally, Vince failed to do his research and blamed the building owner Stan Kroenke for not believeing his team would make the playoffs. What Vince either failed to realize, or did and decided to ignore it, is that the team managers don’t schedule the games, it’s the NBA. So if he is to blame anyone for this fiasco it’d be the National Basketball Association.

So last night, Vince decided to have “fun” with this situation. He had someone come out to start the show off dressed as Stan Kroenke, then Vince came out. Do you see where this is going? No? Well, Vince proceeded to make childish jokes about Stan, and if you didn’t see it, I’m happy for you.

Anyways, they announced a 5 on 5 tag match with Lakers VS Nuggets. The Nuggets in this instance are (SURPRISE!) the heel team. This team consisted of The Miz, Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase JR, Big Show, and Randy Orton.  The faces were the Lakers with MVP, the returning Mr. Kennedy, John Cena, Jerry Lawler, and Batista.

So this match went on for about 10 minutes with (SURPRISE AGAIN!) the “Lakers” winning it. Surpsingly, it didn’t suck too bad, and MVP was way over with the crowd tonight.

Speaking of MVP, he just seems to be the one of the few things on Raw these days that make me tune in each week. Next week he’s scheduled to face Kofi Kingston in a United States Championship bout. I don’t even need to hype the amount of athleticism in this match do I? What Jerome? I do? Well, its going to be INSANE and CRAZY. I know thats redundant, but it serves a purpose.

The other shining star on Raw (excluding Legacy, Kendrick, Orton, and “Vintage” Michael Cole) is none other than Mr. Kennedy………..KENNEDY! After being out way too long, he made his return in great fashion. Sadly, he reportedly ijured himself last night while taking the RKO. While it’s not serious, it’s still scary that on the night he returns he gets injured. Here’s hoping he doesn’t miss anytime, because it looks like he’s getting a push.

That’s it for this week kiddos. Keep an eye out in the next few days for my monthly column “Pure Puro” which covers Dragon Gate, Pro Wrestling Noah, Dragon Gate USA, and every now and then the other two big promotions. Until then, good night and good luck.

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