Pro Wrestling Ponderings

Welcome back to the only weekly column where yours truly rants and raves about the mental impairment of those in the wrestling world! It’s been quite the week both in the ring and in the news, but before I jump in, I have to announce a new feature for “I’m With Stupid.”

When I first got the idea to do this column, I wanted to list the dumbest moments of the week, with the thing I deemed “most stupid” getting an award. When I re-tooled the column before publication, gone was the list and instead the recap format was chosen. Events this week have convinced me to bring one aspect of the original idea to your computer screens. So, starting this week, I will crown one person The Stupidest Person of the Week!

Since this is only the second column, I can take the liberty to go back in time and crown someone from last week the first ever winner. I barely mentioned this person in the inaugural edition, but this particular person managed, in the span of only a few seconds, to completely ruin one of the World Title matches at Summer Slam. So, Week 1’s Stupidest Person of the Week is none other than Lilian Garcia! Congratulations on COMPLETELY botching the result of the WWE Championship match, confusing the crowd, and taking a lot of momentum away from the entire show, Ms. Garcia! As a plus, given your propensity for botches on pay-per-view, I’m sure this will not be your last time winning this award!

Now, on to the week in stupidity!

TNA: Before I discuss Impact, let’s start with some wrestling news. Just two weeks removed from Kurt Angle’s arrest, the one-and-only Daniels got caught driving while impaired. According to reports, Daniels registered a 0.14 on a Breathalyzer while in North Carolina on Friday.

Hasn’t TNA gotten enough bad press in the last few weeks? Their road agents need to really hammer in that the boys need to be on their best behavior for the next few months. The last thing they need is more of this kind of press.

Impact was, again, quite good. If you didn’t catch my Impact review from late last week, you’ll see that I enjoyed the hell out of the in-ring product in almost all cases. Hamada’s debut was excellent and the six man main event worked well. There were, however, two moments that demand my attention.

In retrospect, I understand why Rhino destroyed Jesse Neal the way he did. If Rhino’s going to face Bobby Lashley, he needs to be built up. Having him destroy Neal and then lose via DQ isn’t the way to do it. Rhino looks like he has problems controlling himself against jobbers; he doesn’t look like someone who’s going to seriously challenge Bobbo.

The real crap of this week’s Impact was the segment with Foley, Abyss, ODB, and Cody Deaner. Abyss’s role wasn’t that bad, plus he got some groceries out of it. This ODB/Deaner stuff HAS to stop, though. It just has to. Deaner referencing The Hangover and then making a Chuck Norris reference to justify his getting the Knockouts Title caused my already precariously low IQ to drop significantly. The fact that the belt is being held up and that TNA might actually consider making a man the champion of the Knockouts Division makes me think that they want to kill it while they’re trying to build it up with their Tag Titles. It reminds me of when WCW instituted the Cruiserweight Tag Titles because they had killed the real Cruiserweight Title dead.

WWE: Again, let’s split it by show.

Superstars: Superstars bounced back in a big way this week, but this “Ask the Divas” garbage needs to never happen again. I do not need to hear Alicia Fox’s big hint about when a girl is into me, nor do I care what Mickie James thinks on the subject. Moving on!

Smackdown: No Kane-Khali? NO COMPLAINTS. Smackdown was excellent this week.

Raw: Too bad the same can’t be said for Raw. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I was actually entertained by Raw this week (an odd break from the norm) and I loved the Dusty/DX comedy stuff (especially with a reference to the Shockmaster!), but there was still a whole lot of stupidity.

I don’t know what happened to Gail Kim. When she was on TNA she was one of the premier women’s wrestlers in the world. Now? She’s seriously delving into Rhaka Khan territory after Monday’s six diva battle royal and the disaster a few weeks back with Mickie James. Is her gimmick that she’s forgotten how to wrestle and needs to be re-taught? Honestly, I can get down with that, but I need to know. I’m sure the segments of her learning how to wrestle again would be a hell of a lot funnier than the next segment I simply must talk about.

I know I mentioned it last week, but I’m sick of Hornswoggle/Chavo. It now feels like these matches have been going on for an eternity. We get it. Chavo keeps getting outsmarted and nobody backstage likes him. I’m sure next week when Hornswoggle bests Chavo at Plinko, only Michael Cole will be laughing, and that’s only because Vince will be screaming “LAUGH DAMMIT” into the headset. Everyone else will just be sitting, waiting for these painful segments to end.

ECW: When it was announced on Raw that Taker-Michaels from Mania XXV would be shown on ECW, besides immediately thinking ‘RATINGS GRAB,’ I had to think that WWE’s opinion of the Extreme Brand was even lower than assumed.

WWE: “We’re gonna use a portion of your show to rebroadcast a match from WrestleMania. You know, that show where your title wasn’t defended!”

ECW: “We’ve sort of got a lot going on right now. We’re building a Christian-Regal feud and we need time to develop it. Plus we need to get Regal’s stable over.”

WWE: “Regal has a stable?”

ECW: “Yeah, with Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov.”

WWE: “…Those guys are still employed?”

ECW: “Didn’t you watch our match at SummerSlam?”

WWE: “To be honest, we took a bathroom break.”

ECW: “Right. So anyway, we’re also trying to build up Sheamus.”

WWE: “Who the Hell is Sheamus?”

ECW: “The Irish guy.”

WWE: “Finlay?”

ECW: “No. The young Irish guy.”

WWE: “Hornswoggle?”

ECW: “No. He’s not young, he’s a dwarf. The tall, young Irish guy.”

WWE: “Are you sure this guy’s under contract?”

ECW: “Trust us. We’re developing him.”

WWE: “Sure you are. And if he does get built up like you’re saying, we’ll just take him off your hands!”

ECW: “Isn’t this why our ratings are down? Our brand getting raided, leaving us with nothing and then forcing us to rebuild?”

WWE: “Yeah. Pretty much. But your fix of making people care about the guys you’ve got is gonna take too long, so forget what you’re doing; we’re gonna show clips of Taker-Michaels.”

ECW: “Clips?”

WWE: “Yeah! I mean, we’ve got to give you some time for your show, right? We’ll show five minutes of it set to music.”

ECW: “You think ratings will be spiked by advertising a five minute clip of Taker-Michaels?”

WWE: “Well, we’re gonna imply it’s the full match in advertising.”

ECW: “You really want to just piss off everyone who watches us so we can be cancelled. That’s got to be it.”

WWE: “Pretty much. Yeah.”

That conversation happened almost word for word. I’m sure of it.

Oh yeah; Tony Atlas needs to be punched in the voice box.

All of this brings us to The Stupidest Person of the Week. While Daniels nearly got it with his DWI, the simple fact of the matter is that this week’s SPOTW has to be, without question, Rey Mysterio!

Wellness violations are bad, but probably not worthy of being called “stupid” on the level of a DWI. But Rey’s is a special case. Let’s examine:

First, and this is probably the least important reason Rey deserves this week’s award, Rey is forced into dropping the Intercontinental Title much, much sooner than he wanted. For those that don’t know, (according to dirt sheets) he petitioned to keep the title, holding off on the Dolph Ziggler title win because he felt his previous reign was too short. Getting popped for Wellness now, in the middle of that reign he petitioned for, makes him look like an idiot.

Second, Mysterio should know better given the people he has surrounded himself with in the past. While steroids were probably not the primary factor in the death of Eddie Guerrero, they most certainly played a part. Likewise, given that Mysterio was a patient of Dr. Phil Astin (the guy who gave a whole lot of steroids to Chris Benoit), he should have considered himself lucky for not getting in huge trouble then and stayed away. I admit this isn’t as bad as when Harry Smith got busted for steroids even though they killed his father, but come on. The man should know better.

Third, the excuse he gave to Record, a Mexican newspaper, cemented his status as Stupid Wrestler of the Week. I know that when I’m on vacation and doing promotional tours that I’m just having too much fun to care about my pending suspension and can’t be bothered to show the prescription for the banned substances I’m taking. Apparently, I’m not alone. Seriously: Mysterio knows what’s on the list of banned substances for WWE. If he had a prescription like he claims (and believe me, I don’t buy that for one second), he probably should have provided it when he took the drug test, rather than try to blame the company for giving him a vacation right when they were about to suspend him. Give me a break.

Finally, the fact that his other reaction to getting caught involved throwing a hissy fit and nearly quitting (as was the word during Tuesday’s Smackdown taping) just puts the icing on the stupid cake.

With that, I bid you all a good week. Hopefully next week, my Stupid Person of the Week will win the award for something in kayfabe as opposed to a real life screw-up but knowing wrestling, I doubt it.

Share This

Key Arena – Seattle, Washington – 2.15.09

DVD Release Date: March 17, 2009

MATCH #1: Elimination Chamber Match for the WWE Championship – Edge vs. Triple H vs. Undertaker vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Big Show vs. Vladimir Kozlov

In qualifying matches: Undertaker beat Mark Henry (Smackdown 1/30); Big Show beat Festus (Smackdown 1/30); Triple H beat Vladimir Kozlov and The Great Khali in a three-way match (Smackdown 1/30); and Vladimir Kozlov won a 15-man battle royal (Smackdown 2/6). Edge has been the champion since 1.25.09, and this is his first defense. It’s not too often that Undertaker comes out first on a pay-per-view. Edge gets fantastic heel heat; I miss him. Hardy and Edge start the match, and Hardy wants revenge. The challenger is on a roll right away, knocking Edge down with a series of clotheslines. Edge comes back with a big boot. He tries to put Hardy away but can’t do so just yet. Hardy comes back with a headscissors, and hits his legdrop and a dropkick to the face. He’s able to hit the Twist of Fate, but then misses the Swanton. Edge tries a Spear, but Hardy rolls him up in an inside cradle and Edge is gone at about 3:04! The crowd pops huge as they both get the satisfaction of Edge getting some comeuppance and the realization that a new WWE Champion will be crowned. Edge is livid. Hardy gets a few moments to rest before Kozlov is released from his cage. Kozlov levels Hardy with a big boot and then drives shoulders into his midsection. Hardy fights back and tries a leap off the second rope but Kozlov gets a battering ram right into the sternum. Kozlov takes the fight to Hardy outside the ring, ramming him into the chamber wall, and then dumping him back in the ring for a two-count. The Moscow Mauler is dominating here. Hardy slips out of a powerslam and dropkicks Kozlov into the turnbuckle and hits the corner dropkick. He follows up with Whisper in the Wind, and while both men are down Big Show enters the fray. Show goes right after Hardy while Kozlov regroups. Hardy is in big trouble now, getting double-teamed by Show and Kozlov. After several minutes of working together, Kozlov knocks Show down with a shoulderblock. Show gets up and they trade shots. The next man in the match is the Game. He goes right after Show with a knee to the face, and has one for Kozlov as well. He even hits Show with a spinebuster! Hardy comes in and tries the Twist of Fate on Triple H, but the freshest man in the match avoids it and hits a clothesline. He then dumps Kozlov to the steel and tries a Pedigree, but Show breaks it up for some reason. Show hits a side suplex on Triple H for a two-count. The crowd gets fired up for the waiting Undertaker, while Show hits a press slam on Triple H and Kozlov abuses Hardy. Show takes Hardy and Triple H outside the ring, and misses a charge into the wall. Triple H and Hardy then double-suplex Kozlov, and then Hardy hits Whisper in the Wind. Finally Undertaker comes out and he tears into Show. The crowd is pleased. Undertaker is an equal opportunity butt-kicker here, going after everyone. He takes Show down with a big clothesline and then grabs Triple H and goes for Old School. He changes flight mid-move and jumps onto Show outside the ring, and hits a devastating DDT! That was awesome. Kozlov stops Undertaker’s momentum and drives him into the corner. He stupidly goes for mounted punches and Undertaker hits the Last Ride to eliminate Kozlov at 23:00. Show recovers and hits Undertaker with a Chokeslam. Triple H goes for a Pedigree, but Show backdrops him onto the steel. Show then hurls Hardy right into Triple H as Kozlov is making his way out of the chamber. Hardy winds up getting crotched on top of one of the pods in an awesome spot. Show tries to grab Hardy off the top of the pod, but Undertaker comes up and hits a superplex. Triple H nails Show with the Pedigree. Hardy then comes off the top of the pod with a Swanton Bomb, and Triple H grabs the pin to eliminate Show at 26:13. Undertaker whips Triple H over the corner and onto the steel, and then turns his attention to Hardy, who has been in this match much longer than either of the other two competitors left. Triple H breaks up an Old School attempt and everyone is down. Moments later Undertaker nails Hardy with the Tombstone to eliminate him at 28:32. Undertaker takes first advantage, slugging away at Triple H in the corner. He misses a charge in the corner and they take the fight to the steel outside the ring. Triple H whips Undertaker into the wall and they go back to the ring. He tries jumping off the top rope but he gets caught in an Undertaker chokeslam for a two-count. Undertaker hits Snake Eyes, but Triple H comes back with a spinebuster for two. They migrate back to the steel and Triple H tries a Pedigree. Undertaker blocks it and catapults Triple H into the wall. He then pulls Triple H back into the ring with a Tombstone, but Triple H gets hit foot on the bottom rope! They struggle back to their feet and Triple H hits a Pedigree, but Undertaker kicks out! They get up and trade punches. For some reason Triple H goes for the Mounted Punches and Undertaker tries the Last Ride but Triple H avoids it! Triple H hits another Pedigree and this time gets the pin and wins the Title for the thirteenth time at 35:58. That was an awesome match with some really cool spots both involving and not involving the chamber. I also love the booking of taking Edge out just minutes into the match. Everyone worked hard here, and the final stuff between Triple H and Undertaker was great stuff.
Rating: ****¼

MATCH #2: No Holds Barred Match – Shane McMahon vs. Randy Orton

Orton walks right into a punch in the face to start the match, and then another one. Shane hits more punches and Orton doesn’t hit any. Alas, I spoke too soon – Orton comes back with a bunch of punches. They take it to the floor and start bringing the weapons out. Orton hits that inverted backbreaker he does, and then rams Shane into the ring apron. Back in the ring the fight continues, slowly. Shane fights back with a kendo stick, and the fight spills back to the floor. He takes Orton down with a clothesline, and then cranks him in the face with a TV monitor. He sets Orton on the table and goes up top for the big elbow, but Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase come out and put the boots to him. Legacy tries to use a chair, but Super Shane fights them off while Stephanie watches on backstage. Orton is a bloody mess. Shane sets Rhodes up for the Coast to Coast and hits it. Since Orton is still lying on the table, Shane goes back up top and goes for the elbow, but Orton moves and Shane crashes through the table. Orton gets back in the ring and sends Legacy to the back to make sure Rhodes is okay. Shane struggles back to the ring, and Orton hits the spike DDT for two, of course. Orton sets up a table and superplexes Shane through it. That gets just another two-count. Orton sets up for the Punt but Shane stops him with a spear. Shane grabs the chair and goes after Orton’s ankle. He’s set to pounce on Orton, but he comes charging in and Orton grabs an RKO to get the pin at 18:15. They tried hard and did a lot of big spots, but the match as a whole wasn’t very cohesive.
Rating: **¼

MATCH #3: ECW Championship Match – Jack Swagger vs. Finlay

Swagger has been the champion since 1.13.09, and this is his second defense. Why is the champion coming out first? Finlay is accompanied by Hornswoggle. He takes Swagger down right away and goes to work on the champion’s left leg. Swagger comes back and targets the arm. The crowd is not interested at all. Finlay counters a powerslam with an inverted DDT on the knee for a two-count. Swagger comes back and drives Finlay into the corner. He charges and Finlay sort of gets a rollup for a sort of near-fall. Swagger once again drives Finlay into the corner. He sets Finlay on the top turnbuckle, and Finlay knocks the champion down. Finlay gets control and goes up to the second rope for a cross body block for two. Hornswoggle comes out from under the ring apron and briefly distracts his dad. Finlay hits an Earthquake splash for two. Hornswoggle gets up on the apron, and ends up getting knocked down by his own father. That gives Swagger the opportunity to hit the Gut Wrench Powerbomb (that thing needs a name) to get the pin and retain the title at 7:59. I really like Swagger, but following a match with as many gimmicks as Orton and Shane had didn’t do any favors for the ECW Title match. And the Hornswoggle stuff just needs to stop.
Rating: *¾

MATCH #4: All or Nothing Match – Shawn Michaels vs. JBL

I think everyone breathed a sigh of relief when they announced they were blowing this match off on this show instead of WrestleMania. JBL tries to intimidate his employee, but Michaels fires back with a series of shots much to the crowd’s delight. He goes to the floor and tries to bait Michaels into using a chair, but HBK will have none of it. Back in the ring JBL blocks a sunset flip for a two-count. Michaels gets a backslide for one, and then JBL knocks him down with a shoulderblock. JBL hits an elbow drop for two. Michaels comes back and goes for the leg, locking JBL in the figure-four. JBL reaches the ropes, so Michaels then locks on the Crossface, which JBL counters to a pinning predicament for two. Michaels tries an Irish whip into the buckle but JBL reverses it and Michaels crashes to the floor. Back in the ring JBL hits a series of elbow drops for a near-fall. The much larger JBL overpowers Michaels for several minutes as the crowd tries to encourage HBK. JBL locks Michaels in a bearhug, but Michaels powers out and hits a swinging neckbreaker. Both men get back to their feet and Michaels gets a few shots in. JBL reverses a whip and sends Michaels flipping into the turnbuckle. He sets Michaels up top and goes for a superplex. Michaels blocks it and sends JBL down to the canvas. He tries the top-rope elbow but JBL moves out of the way. They get back to their feet and JBL hits the Clothesline from Hell for a two-count! JBL hits another one, and shoves Michaels to the floor. Michaels barely makes it back to the ring at the count of nine. JBL hurls Michaels back to the floor, and follows him out. He goes over to Shawn’s wife Rebecca, who slaps him right in the face. That fires her husband up, and they take it back to the ring. It’s Vintage Shawn Michaels all over the place. Michaels hits the Sweet Chin Music to get the pin and earn his independence at 13:19. The finish was fun because the crowd always gets hyped up for Shawn’s comebacks, but most of the match was as dull as most of JBL’s matches are.
Rating: **

MATCH #5: Elimination Chamber Match for the World Heavyweight Championship – John Cena vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Kofi Kingston Edge vs. Chris Jericho vs. Mike Knox vs. Kane

In qualifying matches, Kofi Kingston beat Kane (Raw 1/26); John Cena beat Shawn Michaels (Raw 1/26); Rey Mysterio beat William Regal (Raw 1/26); Chris Jericho beat CM Punk (Raw 1/26); Mike Knox won a battle royal (house show 2/1); and Kane got into the match by convincing his half-brother Undertaker to fight Randy Orton on Raw (Raw 2/2). Cena has been the champion since 11.23.08 and this is his third defense. When Kofi Kingston makes his entrance, former WWE Champion Edge appears and throws Kofi into the stairs and cracks a steel chair across his head! Edge then takes Kofi’s place in the pod! That’s awesome. Mysterio and Jericho will start the match. They trade some holds, and Mysterio gets the first advantage. Mysterio goes for an early 619 but Jericho avoids it. Even so Mysterio stays in control until he tries running into Jericho in the corner but Jericho moves and Mysterio crashes into Kane’s pod! That was cool. Jericho is firmly in control now, back dropping Mysterio onto the steel outside the ring. He tries a catapult, but Mysterio catches onto the wall and climbs up it to deliver an awesome headscissors. Back in the ring Mysterio hits a seated senton for two. Mysterio hits a bulldog, and Kane joins the match. Kane goes after everyone, and even intimidates Edge. He hits Mysterio with a side suplex for two. He then hits a low dropkick (!) for two. He clotheslines Jericho over the ropes to the steel and follows him out. It’s all Kane for several minutes until Jericho catches him with a Code Breaker. Mysterio dumps Jericho out of the ring, and then climbs to the top of a pod to hit Kane with a seated senton to eliminate him at 9:36! Moments later Knox joins the match and goes right after Mysterio. He also goes after Jericho, throwing everybody around. Knox goes for a Shellshock on Mysterio, but Jericho catches him with a Code Breaker to get the elimination at 14:40. Edge is the next one out, and Mysterio doesn’t wait for him to escape the pod! Mysterio is avenging his friend Kofi Kingston. Edge lies in wait and takes advantage when both Jericho and Mysterio are vulnerable. He tries a Spear on Mysterio, who moves, and Jericho tries the Code Breaker but Edge avoids it. Mysterio gets Edge in position for a 619, and Jericho again blocks it with a Spear. They do a Tower of Doom spot and everyone is down. Edge gets control and the Champ Is Here! Cena goes right after Edge, and has plenty for Jericho too. He goes for the Attitude Adjustment on Edge, but Jericho breaks it up with a Code Breaker. That sets Cena up to take the 619 from Mysterio. Edge then pins Cena to eliminate the champ at 22:18. It hasn’t been a good night for the champions. Mysterio fights off both opponents. He hits a 619 on Jericho, but when he goes for a springboard rana Jericho catches him in the Walls of Jericho. Mysterio reverses that to a rollup and Jericho is eliminated at 23:50! Edge sets up for a Spear but Mysterio avoids it and gets a rollup for two! A moonsault gets another two-count. A kick to the face gets yet another near-fall for Mysterio. He tries another moonsault but Edge catches him, and Mysterio reverses again for a DDT for another near-fall. Mysterio goes to the top rope and Edge knocks him down to the steel. Edge tries a powerbomb but Mysterio reverses it to a facebuster! Mysterio executes a reverse 619. Mysterio charges at Edge and gets thrown into the pod! Back in the ring Edge hits a Spear to get the pin at win his eighth World Title at 29:43. Edge losing his title early on but then leaving with the other belt is pretty awesome, and builds intrigue, since both World Titles are in the hands of Smackdown wrestlers now. I thought they’d have trouble living up to the first chamber match, but they did it.
Rating: ****¼

Share This

-Video package showing D-Generation X mocking the montage of matches. This is how you open the second biggest Pay-Per-View of the year? Comedy. No buys. Three world title matches and these goofs are in the video package.

-Your hosts are six former Ring of Honor wrestlers that got raided by WWE.

-Intercontinental Championship: Rey Mysterio (champion) vs. Dolph Ziggler

Ziggler starts out hot and heavy before Mysterio kicks and punches his back. Ziggler immediately starts going for covers. Considering he’s going for the belt, that actually makes sense. Nice moonsault by Mysterio. Hurancanrana from the apron to the floor. I’m now wondering where the hell Maria is. Didn’t they make a big deal of her presence? Bucklebomb by Ziggler, thus eliminating that from Tyler Black’s repertoire when he signs with WWE. Ziggler chinlock followed by a side suplex. Mysterio with a drop toehold only gives him the advantage momentarily. Right back to the chinlock, little modified this time. I’m sorry, but did I just turn on a Randy Orton match? Ziggler misses a Stinger Splash and Mysterio hits a seated senton. Sunset flip is reversed into a big kick by Rey Rey. Ziggler gets a good shot on the abomen and almost wins with a roll-up. Rey Rey just won’t die. Story of this match is similar to “Night of Champions,” but it’s slightly better. Kick to the temple by Rey Rey but Ziggler dodges the 619. 619? There goes the 61knee of Brent Albright when he signs with WWE. Right leg drop gets two for Ziggler. Mysterio almost wins on a roll-up of his own. Ziggler’s bodyslam attempt turns into a DDT for a two count. Dropkick into the 619 position. He hits it… but misses the Springboard. Ziggler gets 2.999999998. Stupid Los Angeles crowd chants for Ziggler. God, I hate Los Angeles. Ziggler kicks Rey Rey and goes to the second rope. Hurancanrana from the position ends Dolph’s night, Great opener.

Winner/Time/Rating: STILL Intercontinental Champion- Rey Mysterio/13:26/***1/2

-Ziggler is just getting better and better. You could see so much improvement, even in the last month. Ziggler will hopefully go over and be the champion by the end of the year, but I think it’s a positive to have Rey Rey hold the belt for a bit to establish a longish title reign.

-Josh Mathews interviews both MVP and Jack Swagger. This was somewhat unique. It’s a culture clash, and this was the interview that should have been done on Monday instead of having a lame 30 second match. Interviews six days before a Pay-Per-View work better then crappy matches. MVP’s delivery is probably the strongest it’s ever been for a babyface.

-Jack Swagger vs. MVP

Crowd is deadly silent to start. God, I hate Los Angeles. Side suplex by MVP but Swagger departs. MVP dives to the outside. Swagger throws MVP off the second rope and begins working over the back of MVP. MVP hits an elbow, but this only leads to an abdominal stretch. This match really should have opened the show cause the crowd could not possibly care less about what’s happening in the ring. Clothesline by Swagger gets a two. Camel Clutch. Trying make MVP humble there Swagger? MVP lifts him and slams him right on his back. Swagger misses rights, but MVP hits. Kneedrop. Time to go ballin’. Hooks the leg but doesn’t get two.Playmaker attempt is reversed into a roll-up. Tights held by Swagger but no diceSecond rope Vader bomb gets knees. Big boot by MVP. Playmaker. 1-2-3. If they wanted this feud to go on, this is an awful terrible way to start it. Even so, this match didn’t get near enough time to develop and the dead crowd certainly doesn’t help. Plus, Swagger is the better wrestler, and WWE desperately need new heels on RAW. They need faces too, but they desperately need new people on top as heels. Smackdown has done an excellent job with Punk, but RAW? Bad.

Winner/Time/Rating: MVP/6:24/*1/2

-A look back at the various guest hosts. Sure, let’s watch the various failures again.

-Nancy O’Dell is on camera now. I really really really want to make jokes, but she’s there for a good cause. Her mom unfortunately passed from ALS, and she’s helping to raise money along with WWE. The Los Angeles crowd boos this. Appalling. I hate Los Angeles. She interviews Freddie Prinze Jr. I’m surprised WWE didn’t ask him to remove the Jr.

-Chris Jericho and Big Show come out for their unified tag team title match. We even get a promo from Jericho. He calls all the celebrities hypocrites and parasites. Guess he forgot his thesaurus. He talks about how famous he and Show are. Someone needs to figure out this 40 title thing. Jericho calls himself the best in the world, thus eliminating Bryan Danielson from using that catchphrase when gets signed by WWE… What? He signed? Oh. Big Show is about to talk, but the spiteful sound guy plays Cryme Time’s music.

-Unifed Tag Team Championship Match: Chris Jericho and Big Show (champions) vs. Cryme Tyme (Shad and JTG)

Loud “Y2J” chants showing how over Cryme Tyme truly are. JTG and Jericho start and continue the goodness that started with their Smackdown match a few weeks ago.Walls of Jericho attempt but he turned into a slingshot. JTG then hits a sitdown senton for two. Grisham saying “flava” was a fail. Punch to the face and Show gets tagged in. He just stands on the leg of JTG. Man, did this match get boring in a hurry. Crowd died considerably too. Shad finally gets tagged in, and it’s at least a little bit more even. Shad lifts Jericho in the air and drops him. Show spears him in response. Now Shad is thug-in-peril. Jericho back in and he toys around with Shad. Big boot by Shad but as he’s about to tag, Jericho and Show cut the ring in half. Full nelson now. The hell year is this? 1987. Where’s Hercules? Jericho misses an elbow but prevents a tag with a double axehandle. Chinlock by Jericho. Both rise and Jericho is powerslammed. JTG is finally tagged in. Pace picks back up and a mugshot is hit. Modified facebuster. Big Show interrupts a cover but Shad clotheslines him. Roll-up on Jericho gets two. Jericho comes back and applies Walls of Jericho.JTG gets the ropes but Show punches him in the face. Jericho hooks the leg for three and they retain.

This match was decent when JTG and Jericho were in the ring together. Otherwise, this was nothing special. Show absolutely dragged this match down, and it’s time for this experiment to end. Jericho was having match of the year candidates with Rey Rey two months ago and now he’s wrestling Cryme Tyme at the second biggest Pay-Per-View of the year? No buys. Even seeing him both brands isn’t worth it, cause Big Slow is sure to follow.

Winner/Time/Rating: STILL Unified Tag Team Champions- Chris Jericho and The Big Show/9:45/**1/4

-Breaking Point promo. Well, the idea of the main events ending in submissions should be good for a laugh if nothing else.

-C.M. Punk interview. Greatest words you can possibly hear these days. Punk shows a screenplay about Jeff Hardy. Very creative. He calls himself the only real person and makes fun of the Twilight guy and Kate Gosselin. Fucking awesome.

Kane vs. The Great Khali

Highlight of this match is a sign that says “YOU CAN’T WRESTLE.” Kane wins with the DDT after five hours. That’s all this bullshit gets.

Winner/Time/Rating: Kane/5:57/-*

-They show a bunch of celebrities, including Robert Patrick. I kinda wish this show could get terminated at this point. Okay, that’s not fair since the show hasn’t been that bad. I really just wanted to make the joke.

-Long video package building up The Legacy/D-X match. So glad I fast-forwarded.

-D-X gets a ridiculously over-the-top entrance. I mean, even The Undertaker was telling them to cool it. Also, if you gave me that entrance, I’d get over too.I actually timed their entrance since it was so ridiculous. From the time the music started until the end of their promo, SEVEN MINUTES AND THIRTY-FIVE SECONDS. This does not even include the ridiculously long video package that went about five minutes too. Keep that in mind for later. Dibiase and Rhodes just walk out to the ring, thus looking like total jobbers.

-D-Generation X (Shawn Michaels and Triple H) vs. Legacy (Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes)

I’m dreading this match for a lot of reasons. See the Spirit Squad as Exhibit A. Hunter and Dibiase start things off. Exchange of right hands. Hunter hits a trademark knee, but not before using a crotch chop. Rhodes is tagged in and gets a high knee. Dibiase slaps Shawn. Well, that wasn’t very Christian of him. HBK tags in. He locks in with Rhodes, and Rhodes ends up slapping Michaels. This is off to a fairly good start. Michaels gets a Thesz Press and just punches him. Then a slap. Superkick set-up but Rhodes runs. Hunter send him back. Rhodes leaves. Legacy hangs out on the outside. Michaels goes to work with chops in Dibiase. Dibiase sends him flailing in the corner, then a lariat, thus eliminating Nigel McGuinness from using that move when he signs with WWE. Michaels is now a degenerate in peril. Crowd is chanting… “Suck it?” Neckbreaker by Michaels and a tag to Triple H. Right hands. Hunter gets slingshotted by Dibiase. No sold. Spinebuster on both members of Legacy. Pedigree stopped by Rhodes. All four men in briefly before Rhodes sent out. Hunter backdrops his partner over the top. Dibiase gets a ballshot. Hunter is now degenerate in peril. Rhodes and Dibiase go to work and actually offense in. Frequent tags made. Dibiase shows he’s learning from Orton since he uses the chinlock. Crowd gets back into it. Belly to back suplex by Hunter, but Dibiase gets a tag to Rhodes. Rhodes , who has looked the best he ever has in the ring, continues working on Hunter’s legs. Hunter counters out of it. Dibiase makes sure a tag is not made. Hunter and Dibiase get into a fist battle. After being thrown over the top rope, we’ve got duel tags. Michaels takes Rhodes out like he owns him. Michaels does the kip up, but Dibiase clotheslines him from behind. Hunter goes after Dibiase on the outside of the ring as Rhodes climbs up to the top rope. He tries to steal a flying elbow. Emphasis on try. Michaels goes up, but Rhodes knocks him off the top rope. Both men on the top rope. Michaels knocks him down. Elbow by Michaels is countered by the knees. Rhodes wants a tag but Dibiase is nowhere to ne found. Figure four by Michaels. There’s Dibiase. He ends the figure four. Pedigree attempt. Rhodes stops it. Lawler can’t believe Legacy has all these counters. Considering every major match is readily available on DVD, it’s not that difficult to figure out. Rhodes hits a crossroads (neckbreaker), but Triple H stops it. Pedigree. Dream Streets. Clothesline by Hunter. Now he and Dibiase end up on the outside and brawl over the announce table. Rhodes and Michaels are being counted out inside the ring. There’s the superkick and a three count. They had me for a second there. I thought WWE was about to show some guts and put Legacy over. But of course D-X gets over. Gotta get those merch sales. It really was a good match, but anyone who thinks the right team went over should consider themselves the biggest marks ever. And I mean that in the worst way possible.

Winner/Time/Rating: Shawn Michaels and Triple H/19:59/***1/4

-ECW Championship Match: Christian (champion) vs. William Regal

Josh Mathews apparently borrowed a picnic table table cloth to use as a shirt. Before I can even make the timemark, Christian wins with the killswitch in five seconds. Then Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov immediately beat up Christian followed by Regal hooking in the STF. Fuck you WWE. This was some dumb bullshit. WWE gives 13 minutes to D-X in video packages and entrances, another 20 to a match where the winner is never in doubt, but they can’t give these guys even eight minutes.

Winner/Time/Rating: Christian/:05/N/R

Someone e-mail me the name of the people at the Peace Corps. Some palms need to be greased on behalf of one Bryan Danielson to insure he doesn’t get stuck in garbage like this. I’d rather not see him then see what happened to Regal and Christian happen to Danielson.

WWE Championship Match: Randy Orton (champion) vs. John Cena

Considering who’s involved, it doesn’t look like a four star match is happening. Crowd splits about 50/50 for each guy. Orton controls the early portion of this match but Cena quickly comes back with a flurry. Elbow by Orton. “RKO” chants. Orton works Cena over with his usual exciting i.e. boring offense. I’ve never been a fan of Orton. Ever. And after six years in WWE, I just don’t see it happening. Backbreaker (or Freddie Prinze Jr. killer) before the chinlock. Dueling chants. The hell is this, TNA? Is Russo going to start booking now?

Cena makes things a little more palpable with a modified suplex. He goes for the five knuckle shuffle and actually hits it. He prepares for the Attitude Adjustment, but Orton belly-to-belly suplexes him. He misses a knee drop. Cena dives after Orton but lands on the outside. Kick and the DDT as Cena tries to come back in. Two count. Orton prepares to strike. He pounds the mat a bunch of times because I guess that makes him a better worker. Punt attempt fails. Cena comes back with a legdrop from the second rope. Another two count. As he prepares for the AA once again, Orton holds the ropes and clotheslines him. Exchange of right hands while the crowd does the yay/boo thing. Least this match has heat. Back bodydrop. Orton just pushes the referee for a disqualification. Lillian Garcia fucks up the announcement and calls him the new champion. She says Vince wants the match re-started and if Orton is disqualified again, he loses the belt.

Orton back inside the ring and he gets side suplexed. Cena throws him into the corner and to the outside. Orton rams Cena into the stairs and puts him back in the ring. He insists on covering Cena, and Cena insists on not staying down. Orton goes outside and gets the belt. Count-out. Of course, the match gets started once again by Vince McMahon. If Orton gets counted out again, he will lose the championship.

Cena and Orton try to go for various finishers. Orton then gets a roll-up with his feet on the ropes for a three count. Another referee sprints into the ring. Guess what? Match starts again. Vince Russo really is booking. Why do I make these jokes?

Cena hooks an STF. Orton hangs on. Cena re-positions himself when a “fan” runs in. It’s Brett Dibiase but the announcers don’t acknowledge it so I guess it will come off as real. This is the dumbest match ever. Orton hits an RKO on the ropes, then an RKO in the ring, Finally, it’s over.

I don’t even know what to say. This was one of the dumbest, most poorly booked matches ever. After the disqualification and count-out, this was at least somewhat acceptable. Then they have the whole foot on the ropes pinned and then a “fan” running in. Forget the fact that having a plant run just encourages others to do the same. Unless there’s going to be a payoff, then this was useless. Dumb dumb dumb. Even worse than the match starting over three times was the fact that John Cena looked like the biggest idiot and geek ever.

Endings like these are why people would rather pay 50 bucks for a UFC show rather than 40 bucks for a WWE show.

Winner/Time/Rating: Randy Orton/19:59/DUD

TLC World Heavyweight Championship Match: Jeff Hardy (champion) vs. C.M. Punk

Punk not only needs to win the match, but he’s got to also save the show. Good luck Punker. Pretty basic lock-up. Punk aggressively hits knees, rights, and kicks. Punk introduces a chair and hits him in the stomach. Shot to the back. Punk goes on the inside with the ladder. Hardy stops him, goes for the twist of fate, gets countered, and ends up beating him down in the corner. Punk sent outside now as Hardy sets the ladder up. He heads upstairs, but Punk kicks the ladder out from underneath him. Go 2 Sleep attempt leads to Punk being rammed into the ladder. Hardy charges Punk in the corner, but he gets dropped on to a steel chair. Punk grabs the ladder now and hits Hardy with it. More usage of the ladder. Punk kicks him and deposits him outside. Dive between the top two ropes. Table set up on the outside. Punk has the chair. He puts his neck, but Hardy wants no part of that. Instead we get Punk missing a chairshot and hitting the post. Punk about to get rammed into the stairs, but he climbs them up. Hardy has a chair ready. Hardy moves furniture and throws another chair. Punk is set up on a table as Hardy splashes… and misses badly. Ow. Bet he’s glad he’s taking time off after that bump. Punk carries another ladder into the ring.

Punk climbs up the ladder, but Hardy follows and almost gains possession of the belt. Punk with a Go 2 Sleep attempt on the ladder doesn’t work as Hardy reverses it into a powerbomb. Hardy climbs the ladder gingerly, but Punk pushes him off. Another nasty bump as Punk hits the turnbuckles legs first. Suplex attempt from the top. Another ouch as Hardy is rammed on to the ladder. Punk doesn’t look much better either. Hardy hits a twist of fate, but he hits the knees of Punk. These guys are having a match that no one else has even touched all night. Bulldog… WOW. Hardy tosses Punk on the bulldog attempt right through a table. Oh my. Both guys look the worse for wear. Hardy sets up the gigantic ladder while Punk slowly climbs up the ropes. Springboard clothesline by Punk. Hardy thrown outside again as Punk takes a steel chair. Like a noose around the neck, Hardy almost gets rammed into the stairs. Hardy stops this and hits Punk with a chair of his own three times. Another table set up . Now Hardy is clearing the ring announce table and gives Punk a good monitor shot. Chairshot to the head. Hardy grabs another huge ladder to set up for a dive through the announce table. He takes off his shirt for a cheap pop. Referees hold the ladder at least. Yeah, it’s kind of stupid, but considering what might happen if Hardy falls off the ladder, I’ll take my chances. Hardy jumps and does indeed put Punk through the table. Incredible. Medical folks come out to check on both guys. They try to put Hardy on a stretcher, but he refuses. Punk can’t even climb the ladder. He sees Hardy and limps up the ladder. Both men at the top of the ladder now. Each men gets their hands on the belt. Punk gets one good right hand and it’s over. CM PUNK WINS THE MAIN EVENT OF SUMMERSLAM!!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!! Pardon me while I get a Pepsi to celebrate.

Winner/Time/Rating: C.M. Punk/21:35/****1/4

-We’re not done yet. Punk celebrates over Hardy until… the lights go out. The Undertaker is ready to make his return. Punk doesn’t seem scared. UNTIL UNDERTAKER COMES FROM UNDER THE RING. CHOKESLAM. Sending the crowd happy is all well and good, but you could have just had the bong and brought back ‘Taker on television so Punk could celebrate.

Final Thoughts: Congratulations to Punk and Hardy for saving Summerslam. This was a thumbs down show until the main event. Thanks to their effort, I give this show a thumbs in the middle. I’d recommend going out of your to see that match and the opener. The RAW portion of this show hurt the show a lot, but that should come as no surprise. Orton and Cena may not have technically been a DUD, but the booking did a lot of the work. Just a horrible way to end a world title match for the Wrestlemania of the summer. Christian and Regal could have had a nice three star match if they had ten minutes, but Kane and Khali has to settle their precious feud. In fact, Kofi and Miz could have been on this show as a way of pushing new talent. But that would require the creative team to be… creative.

Thumbs in the middle for Summerslam, but I just don’t know about WWE sometimes.

Share This

-Well, it’s time for another WWE Pay-Per-View. It’s the one night a year when all the championships are on the line. I’m not quite sure why a wrestling company would be proud of the fact that they have EIGHT title belts, but the WWE sure is. This card doesn’t look all that enticing but after Victory Road last week, I can almost guarantee this will be worlds better.

-Live from the same city Dragon Gate USA was taped the night before…

-Your hosts are Scooby-Doo, Fred, Welma, Daphne, Shaggy, and Scrappy

- Unified Tag Team Title Match: Chris Jericho and ???? © vs. Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes

Oooo, this isn’t good. This eliminates Dolph since he has to wrestle later on against Rey Rey. Jericho comes out to a rather large pop and it’s teased that he couldn’t find a partner. Oh God. Our first video package of the night as we see Edge’s injury. Do we really need to see that again? Even better is Jericho’s choice for a partner. The Big Show. What a fail to start this show.

- Unified Tag Team Title Match: Chris Jericho and The Big Show © vs. Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes

Show has a new singlet. Too bad he likely won’t have a new moveset. Show starts off against Rhodes and that goes as well as you might expect. Egads what a chop. Dibiase comes in and also doesn’t do very well. Jericho is tagged in and we see our first double team move. Crowd is absolutely silent for all of this. This is what happens when you have two heel tag teams starting the show off. Show almost kills Jericho by dropping him on DIbiase. Dibiase and Rhodes finally get the advantage when Dibiase pulls the top rope and Jericho flails over. They work him over a bit, but I think the problem is Legacy has been treated like such geeks that there is no credibility with the audience. Crowd appears to be behind Jericho and Show by default. Rhodes even breaks out a moonsault!!!! Wow, that was mildly interesting. The heat segment lasts seemingly forever although it’s the best Rhodes and Dibiase have looked in months. At least they managed to get some heat on their opponents. That lasts until Show gets tagged in. Spear gets a long two count. Rhodes is tossed but skins the cat. Dibiase dropkick but he suffers a Codebreaker. Show gets the Colossal Clutch for the submission.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 9:33/STILL Unified Tag Team Champions- Chris Jericho and The Big Show/**1/2

This was an alright match. Jericho really made this match as watchable as it was going to be. The pick of Show is a major disappointment. While he may at least wrestle mostly in tag matches, he also has the potential of wrestling on multiple brands. Very scary thought to be certain.

-Josh Mathews is in the back and brings in C.M. Punk. Punk then cuts one of the biggest promos of his entire career as he runs down the fans for their support of Jeff Hardy. He absolutely owned that audience for this segment. The only critique I have is this should have been on Smackdown Friday instead of the Pay-Per-View. Still this was excellent and adds a lot of interest (at least for me) to the world heavyweight championship match.

- ECW Title Match: Tommy Dreamer © vs. Christian

Guess that interview was a little too exciting since it’s back down the ladder we go. Even in Philadelphia, Dreamer can’t get a decent crowd reaction. Also, despite Christian being on the ECW brand, he still gets a pretty big star reaction. Slaps to start followed by a little back and forth. Christian takes over briefly as a smattering of “ECW” chants break out. Christian misses a dive to the outside as Dreamer then cannonballs his opponent. After a two count, Dreamer hits a powerslam. Christian comes back and starts working on the neck. He goes for the KIllswitch. That’s reversed but Christian then applies a sleeper. Dreamer does the old Vader/Cactus Jack spot, but Christian tenaciously locks the sleeper on again. This time both men end up on the outside of the ring. Christian misses an axehandler and is facebustered. Dreamer sets Christian in the tree of woe and gets the dropkick. Reverse DDT and a missile dropkick by Christian. He missed whatever from the top and Dreamer applies a terrible-looking Cloeverleaf. Series of pinning reversals before another dropkick. Both then go for their finishers. Christian gets the Killswitch at least for the 1-2-3.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 9:31/NEW ECW Champion- Christian/**

-Nothing special her, but Dreamer was just an atrocious champion. I’m very glad Christian is the ECW champion. Unfortunately, he’s now got the unenviable task of wrestling Kozlov. If he carries that lump to a good match, he’s the wrestler of the year for 2009.

-Dreamer and Christian share a moment.

-Summerslam commercial as they show all the stars of the company. Interesting to note Jeff Hardy is one of those featured.

-Tool Grisham interviews the Unified Tag Team Champions. This relationship is all about business. Jericho mentions Edge’s name again. That feud will be epic when it happens next year. Jericho needs to keep mentioning Edge’s name and keep the heat alive.

- US Title Six Pack Challenge Match: Kofi Kingston © vs. The Big Show vs. MVP vs. The Miz vs. Carlito vs. Jack Swagger

Lillian Garcia doesn’t royally screw up the rules at least. I also like how Show completely buried all of his opponents and is now not even in the match. Way to completely bury the United States. title. Least the match will be better. I’m not even going to try and describe all the action as all six men are just going at it in the ring. Things do settle down a bit as Primo takes some amount of control. He actually looks quite good until a Gutwrench powerbomb b y Swagger. MVP and Swagger continue their ongoing rivalry with some brawling. Nice dive by Carlito onto MVP. Kofi gets Swagger one-on-one momentarily, but Miz  goes after both men. Four men then do the required suplex/powerbomb spot that comes off as being very contrived. More brawling between the six men. Finally, we get Carlito and Kofi in the ring. Then Primo interjects himself. These three have a hell of a sequence with some nearfalls. Carlito and Primo begin double-teaming, but Swagger clotheslines both men. MVP takes control. Miz stops that in short order. The Colon Brothers work… nope, Carlito turns on his brother. Kofi finally gets Trouble in Paradise for a 1-2-3.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 8:37/STILL United States champion- Kofi Kingston/**3/4

This was an okay match, but I would have preferred to see two of these guys get cut so it could just be four guys instead of six. There was almost too much action to keep track of, but at least the action was good. It’d also be nice to see these six guys get elevated since these six being paired off in television feuds could provide a great deal of freshness to RAW. It’s amazing how sucky RAW has been the last couple months, but the reality is these six guys and Evan Bourne can inject life to this very stale show. Enough Hunter, Orton, Cena, Hornswaggle, and even Santino every single week. More Kofi, Miz, Swagger, and Bourne.

-Josh Mathews interviews Randy Orton. He says stuff. I zone out.

-WWE Women’s Title Match: Michelle McCool © vs. Melina

I thought this show was going to come to a complete halt with this match. I was wrong. Michelle immediately hits a dropkick on Melina while she’s doing her splits thing. Well, that’s a star right there and this is right away better than Jenna and Sharmell. Melina gets a little too fancy with some attempted maneuvers, but both of these girls at least are working hard. Melina misses a move on the second rope and ends up on the floor. McCool takes advantage as Melina gets to do the one thing she excels at. Selling. McCool hooks a half crab. McCool and Melina somehow end up on the security wall. Nasty-looking DDT by McCool. Damn, Melina’s head bounced. Melina comes back with screams and uses her leg strength. This is followed by a dive. Drop toehold on the second rope followed by a two knees by Melina. These two girls are really beating the tar out of each other. McCool gets a belly-to-belly suplex for two. Spear into the corner but Melina heel chops, dives, but McCool reverse into a roll-up for the three.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 6:13/STILL Women’s Champion- Michelle McCool/**3/4

-That rating is not a typo. This was probably one of the most enjoyable women’s matches I’ve ever seen from the WWE. It was physical and these two girls tried to do some different things. It wasn’t exactly pretty all the time, but I’ll give them points for trying. Also, you got the sense that these two girls really hated each other, and there was an heir of intensity that 99% of these women’s matches don’t have. Big surprise here.

- WWE Title Match: Randy Orton © vs. HHH vs. John Cena

An epicly long video package sets this match up. Then we get the longest entrances in the history of match. There’s 15 minutes right there that could have been used to give more time to some of the earlier matches. The other galling part of this match is the build-up actually included mention of this match taking place at Wrestlemania 24. Two years ago is forever in this era of television. Yet here these three are wrestling again. Orton leaves the ring, but the faces go after him. Chase is on inside the ring as well.  Faces work well together early as Orton can’t get any sort of advantage.  Finally, Orton knocks Cena to the outside off the apron onto Triple H. Orton brings Cena into the ring and goes to work. Cena comes back but as he’s about to finish the match, Hunter send Cena out. Orton gains the advantage once again. The heat just immediately dies. I mean absolutely leaves the building. Orton and Triple H have their usual sequence, and you can just tell that people are burned out. Oh lovely.  A chinlock by Orton. That will help the match quality out. The two punch back and forth and Orton hits a scoop slam. As he’s ready to hit the RKO, Hunter send him into the corner before hitting the DDT. Both struggle to get up. Cena climbs to the top rope and legdrops both men… barely.

Cena fires away but falls to a neckbreaker. Back to the outside goes Cena. Triple H tries a pedigree, but he’s also deposited to the outside as well. Cena climbs in and gets kicked in the chest. As Orton is about to DDT both men, he’s sent to the outside. Cena and Hunter glare at each other. They clash like two titans. We even get the whole “yay” “boo” thing. They counter through their usual including their finishers. Hunter takes definitive control with a spinbuster. Pedigree finally gets hit, but Orton pulls Triple H out of the ring. After being sent into the stairs, Orton gets the Smackdown announce table ready for usage. All three end up around the table. Orton is sent flying into the crowd. Cena hooks the STF ON THE TABLE (cause it’s more painful there). Orton punches Cena and throws him back inside.. More punching. RKO attempt is denied as Cena tosses Orton. Both end up at the top, but Hunter runs in. Hunter is sent into the top rope crotching Orton. STF finally locked in by Cena, but Superman powers out. Cena re-applies the hold. Orton misses the punt, but not before giving one of the oddest expressions I’ve ever seen in the history of wrestling. I wish you could all see what he did. Oy vey. It looked like he wanted to rape Cena. Roll-up (way he defeated Orton Monday) only gets two. Orton clotheline and beats up both heroes.

After the most boring beatdown ever, Cena chopblocks the left knee. Triple H also goes to work on the knee. Cena charges at Hunter, but the top rope is pulled down. Triple H applies the SHARPSHOOTER. Oh my God.  It’s fairly awful too. Cena finds his way back into the ring and applies the STF. Orton taps. Instead of ringing the bell, holding the belt up, and creating some drama for RAW, the referee stands there like a jackass. Legacy runs in. Orton hits an RKO  as Cena is about to give Cody an Attitude Adjustment for the three count.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 22:22/STILL WWE Champion- Randy Orton/***

-Nothing terribly wrong with the match but itself as all three guys know how to save a sound match. The ending was a little too cute for my liking since it essentially sets up yet another match between these three men again for Summerslam. I can’t see much more heat being built up between these three since everyone is so tired of these guys wrestling each other in various combinations. I know that I want to see them separated for a long long time and see someone… ANYONE… get elevated.

-Funny backstage skit with Maryse and Miz.  These two are such douches that they need to be put together. Miz calls Maryse a tease and rips on her. Awesome.

- Divas Title Match: Maryse © vs. Mickie James

I had high hopes for this match since Mickie is one of the better female talents in WWE and Maryse is one of the more charismatic Divas in the company. The problem is Maryse cannot wrestle at all. The crowd, which actually showed some enthusiasm in the last match, took this opportunity to cool down big time. Faint “We want puppies” chant. Other than that, no dice. Crowd doesn’t care. I don’t care, Maryse applies a resthold. Still, it’s better than Jenna and Sharmell. This match is getting an awful lot of time. Maryse gets the hairspray, but James counters. Referee takes the can away. Mickie beats on Maryse outside the ring. Back inside and Maryse does more restholds. Oh boy. Mickie is pissed. She stiffs her with a punch and clothesline. Maryse just won’t die. Ugh. FINALLY a leaping DDT gets three.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 8:38/NEW Divas Champion-Mickie James/*

-This match was absolutely abysmal. Maryse is horrible, and she really needs to be used as a manager or a non-wrestler. Even using her in tag team situations is preferable to this. Also, whoever gave this eight minutes was a complete fool. Five of these minutes should have been given to one of the next two matches since it appears they’re once again going to get shorted. You’d think a company that’s been doing three hour Pay-Per-Views for 25 years would have this figured out by now.

-Interview with the Legacy geeks. Apparently, it’s just swell they didn’t win the tag team titles because Orton retained his belt. Dibiase even buries the tag belts in the middle of all of this.

- WWE IC Title Match: Rey Mysterio © vs. Dolph Ziggler

No idea what they went ahead and aired the stupid video package for this match. Jesus. Maria accompanies Dolph. I can’t believe they’re actually going to go with that pairing. Maria is a pretty girl, but does she actually have any discernible talent other than being hot?

Dropkick by Dolph starts things off. He basically uses aggressiveness and some power moves early on. Rey comes back with an f’ed up headscissors before Ziggler reverses things with a powerbomb into the turnbuckle. Headlock by Dolph and this crowd is either burned out or they’re not buying a title switch. My hunch is this is a combination of both. Another headscissors sends Ziggler into the corner. Legdrop and crossbody gets two for Rey Rey. . Powerslam by Dolph gets a two. Attempted suplex gets reversed and Ziggler is sent outside. Rey Rey leaps on him. Dolph kicks Rey in the face but a Tiger Bomb fails. 619 countered and now Rey Rey gets tossed outside the ring. Punches lead into a chinlock. Another powerslam only gets two. Leaping elbow drop also gets two. Really nothing technically wrong with the match, but no one is buying a title switch.  Full nelson. Ziggler tries more power moves but cannot get the three. Even the beginnings of a Mysterio comeback doesn’t get much of a pop. HUGE  dropkick by Ziggler as Mysterio jumps off the top rope. Only a two count again. Ziggler misses a charge, but manages to hit a top rope gutbuster. 619 and splash come out of nowhere and get three

-Time/Winner/Rating: 14:23/STILL IC champion- Rey Mysterio/***

If the crowd gave a lick about this match or there was the sense that the championship could possibly change hands, I would give this ***1/2 without feeling much guilt about it. As it is, it was just a good match and not much more.

- World Title Match: CM Punk © vs. Jeff Hardy

Pretty incredible that these two guys are closing the show. Good for both involved, especially Punk since this is his first main event on a Pay-Per-View. Crowd chants for Hardy pretty emphatically. Punk is just absolutely playing the smarmy heel at this point and doing a lot of trash-talking early on in the match. Good fast-paced start before Punk applies a chinlock. Missed dive by Punk of all people and Hardy capitalizes with a neckbreaker. He goes for the swanton, but Punk rolls outside. Hardy misses a dive of his own. Punk wants the referee to count Hardy out.  Hardy comes in at eight, and Punk works him over some more. Three people in the front row take Jeff Hardy very seriously as they stomp their feet and pound the security wall with a fiery passion. If only the rest of the crowd was this passionate about anything that’s happened tonight. Hardy with a second rope implant DDT and the crowd goes… apathetic. Ugh. I hate Philadelphia. Both guys are on their feet and they exchange rights. Hardy tries the swanton again and Punk knocks him down. Running knee but the bulldog fails. Whisper in the wind only gets two. By the way, the look of feigned shock on Punk’s face when he hit the knee was brilliant. Swanton misses again. Welcome to Chicago leads to a modified dragon sleeper. Hardy gets to the ropes Punk is ready with more kicks and strikes. Hardy gets a Twist of Fate. He takes his shirt off and the swanton fails again. This time, Punk gets the knees up. Punk goes to the top now. Series of reversals leads to a Go 2 Sleep. ONLY TWO. Another try and again only two. Third time once again gets only two.  Punk grabs his title belt and heads to the back. Ross accidentally says the word belt, and Grisham quickly mentions Punk taking his title back. Hardy send Punk back into the ring and finally hits the swanton. 1-2-3. New champion.

-Time/Winner/Rating: 14:58/NEW World Heavyweight Champion- Jeff Hardy/***1/2

I love how they have a brand new heel who they gave a ton of promo time to earlier in the show… and have him job. They had him lose two non-title matches to John Morrison. Now this. What the hell is WWE thinking about? Do they even care about giving their heels heat? I guess not since he got jobbed out here. The match itself was really quite good, but why should I want to see yet another match between these two when it’s obvious to a lot of people Hardy is leaving but Punk has basically been treated like a loser the last month.

Final Thoughts: The crowd hurt this show a lot as many of the matches had zero heat. Nothing was overtly bad except the Divas title match, and even in that case the right woman won. I guess the problem with WWE right now is I have a complete dispassionate response to much of what they do. Instead of letting a young guy team with Jericho, they put the very stale Big Show in the slot. The same three guys were the RAW main event that have been in the main event the last three years.

My thumb is firmly in the middle for Night of Champions. Nothing really spectacular but not anything offensive . Only real pleasant surprise turned out to be the women’s title match. And again, I’m not kidding about that.

Share This

-We should be having a new Smackdown reviewer for next week, so this will likely be my last one. Last week, Jeff Hardy and CM Punk each defeated the men involved in the “Mask vs. Title” Intercontinental championship match. This week, we get a cage match and Punk in a non-title match with John Morrison. Sounds like more goodness. With that being said…

-Taped from just another Chicago suburb

-Your hosts those guys… you know the ones

Vince McMahon opens things up. Well, there goes this show. I’m reviewing the show off Hulu this week, so there might be a little less detail this week. Boy, that evil face of Vince McMahon really is too creepy. He makes fun of Wisconsin. He says the crowd is scared of him. He talks about jobs. Two days from a Pay-Per-View and we get this garbage. I know McMahon would never ever read this article or this review. I know he’s a successful businessman who’s re-made the wrestling business and killed WCW. I also know’s an egomaniac and that his continued presence onscreen only reveals his insecurities. Speaking of revealing insecurities, he then dresses Teddy Long down. And since we can’t call it a “cage match” because it’s too southern wrasslin’ it’s a “Rage in the Cage” match. Great, Teddy Long is on probation You know, fuck Vince and fuck this shit. Moving on…

-R-Truth comes out rapping, but Vince won’t say What’s up. After a commercial, Sheldon Benjamin comes out and speaks. Benjamin says some stuff that confirms that all the writers have to be white. Stuff about education and speaking properly. The delivery wasn’t so bad. What he was saying just continued to drag down this show further.

- R Truth vs. Shelton Benjamin

Since I can’t rewind or fast forward that easily, no times this week. The good news is this match got a fair amount of time and had a chance to develop. The bad news is that it was dreadfully boring because Sheldon Benjamin on offense does not equal success. He wrestles with so little aggressiveness and passion that it’s hard for me not to tune out. The best example was this backbreaker that he executed. He put so little effort into it that it killed the match even further. R-Truth might not be technically sound sometimes, but at least he’s exciting and brings some personality forward. R-Truth wins with what JR called “The Lie Detector.” It’s just his spinkick thing.

Winner: R-Truth

-More Vince. He talks to Rey Rey. Rey Rey speaks Spanish. Teddy Long is next to Vince as Vince points out we only speak English on Smackdown. Racial overtones and now this? What did President Obama do to piss him off now?

- Alicia Fox and Michelle McCool vs. Gail Kim and Melina

Cause this is going to help the show out at this point. Melina and McCool will meet at “The Bash.” I’m sooooooooooo excited for that. Melina gets kicked in the face by McCool, and her post-show plans must now be changed. I love how Gail Kim, chick who can actually wrestle, gets jobbed out. McCool wins with the Fairthbreaker. Gim loses to the bastardized version of the Styles Clash for a third time. I really hate Vince McMahon.

-Two worst words in the English language put together at this point. More Vince. This time he talks with CM Punk. Punk gives this look at the camera as if to say “Look at this goof.” I laughed heartily at this. That redeemed this segment, even when Punk spouted the garbage about being addicted to competition. He says it in such a mocking way that I can’t even be angry anymore.

-Brief discussion of The Great Khali vs. Dolph Ziggler  match that takes place Sunday. Again, thank God I’m not spending forty bucks on that show.

-It’s now time for the first edition of Cryme Time’s Word Up. I guess this is a new weekly segment that’s intended to be funny but isn’t. This was so mind-boggingly awful. They basically rip off Urban Dictionary by defining some word that is something resembling English but really just further bastardizes our language. Jesse interrupts and raps. Great, we have another John Cena rip-off. Where’s Vince to fire all three of these yabos?

- NON-TITLE MATCH: CM Punk © vs. John Morrison

Thank God. Very slow build before the commercial. Always appreciated since that means this is getting 15 minutes. The crowd kinda sat on their hands, but by the end they were going bonkers. Some great maneuvers here as they improved on their series of matches from 2007 ECW.  The ending was also very creative as it ended up being a series of reversals leading into Morrison holding Punk’s  shoulders together for three. Great great match that I almost enjoyed more than Morrison’s with Edge because it leaves the door wide open for these guys to do a match at the following Pay-Per-View. They didn’t even hit any of their big moves, but found a way to have a great wrestling match. Morrison is not all the way there as a babyface, but by continuing to have these kinds of matches, he’s going to be a world champion very soon. The show is saved from an abyss of suck.

Winner: CM Punk

-Punk goes to shake Morrison’s hand… and he plants with a Go 2 Sleep. He then puts his hands to his head as if to wonder what he has just done. This only leaves more doubts about whether he’ll turn or not. Honestly, I don’t think the WWE is quite sure at this point. If Mysterio and Hardy were staying for sure, I think Punk would complete this subtle turn Sunday, but I’m not quite sure at this point. He could still very easily turn, but I’d rather see them wait.

-Josh Mathews interviews Chris Jericho. He asks a dumb question about why Jericho wants to unmask Mysterio. Josh has been paying far too much attention to ECW and not enough Smackdown obviously. One final go home promo that serves its’ purpose as Jericho adds another layer by pointing out how he saved himself and wants to save Mysterio once and for all.

-JR and Tool Grisham talk about “The Bash.” Glad it’s no longer a secret. Here’s the card:

- John Cena vs. The Miz

- NO DQ Match: Dolph Ziggler vs. The Great Khali

- WWE Women’s Title Match: Melina © vs. Michelle McCool
- IC Title vs. Mask Match: Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio
- Unified Tag Team Title Match: Carlito and Primo Colon © vs. Legacy
- ECW Title Scramble Match: Tommy Dreamer © vs. Christian vs. Finlay vs. Jack Swagger vs. Mark Henry
- World Title Match: CM Punk © vs. Jeff Hardy
-WWE Title Three Stages of Hell Match: Randy Orton © vs. HHH
- (The 1st Fall is a Regular Match, The 2nd Fall is Falls Count Anywhere Match, If Needed, the 3rd Fall is a Stretcher Match.)

-The cage comes down, and here we go.

-Vince and Teddy talk to Jeff Hardy.

-Punk looks like a moron in the referee’s shirt with no pants.

- CAGE MATCH: Chris Jericho and Edge vs.  Rey Mysterio and Jeff Hardy

Very odd rules since you could by pinfall, submission, or one person escaping the cage. This was another really good match as the heat segment was on Mysterio. Basic tag team wrestling within the cage as Jericho and Edge work quite well together. Of course, the guest referee becomes involved as Punk gets speared by Edge after Hardy ducks. Punk sells the rib injury for the rest of the match. Hardy hits a Twist of Fate but with Punk behind him isn’t trusting enough to finish the job. Edge hits the spear on Hardy for the three count. Punk was noticeably reluctant to make the count.

Winners: Edge and Chris Jericho

Final Thoughts: Between Sheldon Benjamin’s speech, the way Vince was treating Teddy Long, and Cryme Time, that was an awfully uncomfortable first half. The Vince McMahon stuff was awfully disturbing too. I’m just so tired of his ego infesting every show he’s on. Honestly, he screeches to a halt any show he’s on. I can see the ending a mile away. Teddy keeps trying to impress, but it doesn’t matter. Teddy is going to get fired. He’s going to get humiliated. Vince will entertain himself, play the bully once again and no one else care.

Thankfully the new Smackdown six of Edge, Jericho, Punk, Hardy, Mysterio, and Morrison save the show once again in the second half. I cannot emphasize enough how awesome these six guys have been with their matches. The interviews have a little to be desired in some cases, but the match quality makes up for it. And in some cases, Jericho is so awesome that Mysterio doesn’t need to say a word to get the fans on his side.

Share This

Hello everyone. It’s time for another week of Smackdown. Last week’s show was weak sauce, but the main event this week sounds awesome. There have already been two really good television matches with Kofi/MVP from RAW and Christian/Tyson Kidd from ECW. I would highly recommend seeking these out if you have not yet seen them. Even the tag match main event from Superstars was good.  Only wish it could have aired on Smackdown, especially considering there was a pre-match promo by Jericho that could have sold a few buys. Enough babble, on with the show

Last week, Chris Jericho perpetrated a vicious attack on Rey Mysterio and was wearing one of Rey Rey’s own masks. Jeff Hardy lost to both Jericho and Edge in the main event and was assaulted after the match by Edge with a ladder. Also, C.M. Punk finally got some measure of revenge on Umaga.

-Live to tape from anywhere they darn well please…

-Your hosts are Tool Grisham and Good Ole’ J.R.

Open with the announcers talking about the main event of tonight’s show. Edge vs. Mysterio in a champion vs. champion match. Awesome. Punk will wrestle Umaga? OOOOOOOOOOOk. The world heavyweight title is hung, and there are ladders EVERYWHERE. Seriously, Home Depot’s stock went up 20% while this show was going on. Apparently, it’s time for a very special “Ladder” edition of the “The Cutting Edge.”

Edge welcomes Jeff Hardy as a guest… again. Hardy runs under the ladders since he apparently isn’t superstitious. Didn’t we do this on Superstars a few weeks ago? Guess since no one saw it, they feel justified in repeating it. But this is like putting a hat on Malibu Stacy and expecting people to think of it as something new, both the segment and the match. Hardy climbs the ladder like an idiot to have his convo with Edge. He cuts a pretty generic babyface promo, and Edge responds with a solid promo about how dangerous this match is going to be. He illustrates the climbing of the ladder but says he will continue to knock him down. Kinda like Triple H and the glass ceiling. Edge eventually climbs to the top so he can look Hardy in the face. Hardy talks about legendary the match will be and  he’s just not as interesting as Edge. Edge hits Hardy with the belt and Hardy takes a pretty safe fall. Smart move by saving the crazy shit for Sunday. Edge holds up his belt and I guess “The Cutting Edge” is over.

- John Morrison vs. Shelton Benjamin

Perhaps we can end this feud once and for all. The funniest part of this deal has been Morrison winning literally every match between the two of them. Good back-and-forth to start but the Memphis crowd that was so hot for the opening segment doesn’t much seem to be in this match. Benjamin works Morrison’s leg as part of the heat segment. Morrison comes back with an enzuguri and a stiff right hand. He’s even selling the leg injury.  Tries a highspot but this leads into a half-crab by Benjamin. Morrison takes control with a DDT before hitting The Starship Pain for the win. Okay five minute match, but this needed more time to really mean anything. However, this feud should be over now.

Time/Winner: 4:51/John Morrison

Before his match with K-Kwik, Jericho cuts a very similar promo to the one he did on Superstars. Still, it’s a good idea for one more big promo since less people watch the Thursday night show. I do need to point out that a fair amount of people have already seen Rey Rey’s face, but Jericho’s awesomeness makes me forget it for the most part. This angle has been so awesome I can allllmost forgive it. K-Kwik interrupts a Jericho promo. Didn’t care about him in 2000 when he was a tag team partner of Road Dog. Didn’t care about him 2002 as the NWA champion. Don’t care about him as rapper guy in 2009. Jericho’s glare at K-Kwik was just awesome. Asking Jericho “What’s up? was also quite hilarious. Jericho responds in kind and says he wasn’t done talking. Lord knows I’d rather hear him talk then K-Kwik rap.

-  Chris Jericho vs. R-Truth

For the record, K-Kwik was the Ohio Valley Wrestling name for R-Truth. That name is so bad, I just have to use it every time I reference him. Kwik takes the early advantage  with some early offense and a dive to the outside.  He tries another highspot and that doesn’t go too well. Dropkick send Kwik back to the outside. Back inside and Jericho has control of the match and continues to shout “What’s up?” Awesome. Kwik gets a quick roll-up and comes back with clothesline. Nice splits followed by a leg lariat. Jericho snuffs that out but misses a Lionsault. Uh-oh. Kwik almost won another quick roll-up. Back-and-forth lead into a nice Codebreaker where Jericho hit Kwik as Kwik was coming off the second rope. Good little match, and I’d almost like to see them get more time down the road since they seemed to have good chemistry. Then again, Jericho is God.

Time/Winner: 4:00/Jericho

Jericho is walking backwards up the ramp. Uh Chris, yup Rey Rey attacks him.  Things appear to calm down but the Mysterio hits a move off the ramp. Wow, that was cool. Very good segment that built to the No Holds Barred match well.

- CM Punk vs Umaga

Why they’re meeting just two days before the Pay-Per View is anyone’s guess. I just noticed they changed Umaga’s awesome theme song. That makes me sad. Punk uses some strikes and speed to take control of the big man. He hits a crossbody for two. Commercial break… ALREADY??? COME ON! Come back with Punk still in control. Umaga hits a Samoan Spike to the throat as Punk leaps to the outside. Umaga is well in control of the match now. At least Umaga is avoiding the Vulcan Nerve Pinch. He still uses a variety of restholds as the crowd gets into it for Punk. More strikes as Punk tries to come back but a kick to the head ends that. Punk with two feet into the jaw leading to a clothesline. More kicks before Umaga hits a huge move. He drags Punk into the corner and it setting it up for an ass to the face. He misses and Punk hits a knee strike. Umaga no-sells and grabs the strap. Punk takes advantage by hitting the Go 2 Sleep for the win. Good match.

Time/Winner: 8:58 aired/C.M. Punk

No one is happier to see Punk win and have good matches then me, but this means Umaga is taking the match Sunday. Then I assume he’s either going to go into a program with The Undertaker or a world title program.

Ross and Grisham preview the card in the ring again. That was one of the better ideas WWE had, putting the announcers in the ring to talk about the card. It emphasizes their importance and serves the live audience and television audience to see the matches and hear crowd reactions.

 Maria comes out in an… odd referee’s outfit. This can only mean it’s time for a Diva’s match.

- Layla El, Michelle McCool and Alicia Fox vs. Melina, Gail Kim and Eve Torres

I knew Eve and Layla’s feud wasn’t over. Melina and Michelle will be having a championship match at some point while Gail Kim is being punished for having the gall to go to TNA and be successful. Alicia Fox still has big hair. I hate play-by-play normally but especially for these matches. My not caring has a lot to do with it. I also don’t like to write “botched” or “attempted” before move either. The only benefit I see to Maria refereeing is she doesn’t have to wrestle, and she appears to be able to count to three. Not a guarantee with some of these women. I do like Melina’s matrixy move though. Lots of screaming here too. Layla El hits… something and gets a 1-2-3. WHAT? That ending makes the least possible sense. At least have Michelle or Alicia get the win to forward the angle. Stupid stupid stupid.

Time/Winners:  3:30/ Layla El, Michelle McCool and Alicia Fox

- Dolph Ziggler vs. The Great Khali

Khali is already in the ring since we’re a bit short on time. These two have a bit of a rivalry based off the last four weeks of Smackdown. Not worth a Pay-Per-View but perfectly acceptable for television. Be interesting to see if Knox interferes. Anyway, Ziggler is not off to a good start. He bails out after being dominated. JUST RUN AROUND! Fairly simple strategy since Khali is slow… physically. Khali continues to dominate, and this show has grinded to a halt. Ziggler finally gets a dropkick but is quickly thrown off and elbowed in the face. Big boot and his modified chokeslam finisher. Khali wins. What? Did not like the booking of this at all. Ziggler is the one with the potential to be a future WWE superstar. Does anyone think Khali has a chance of being anything other than a comedy mid-carder? I liked this show a whole lot, but the last two segments have been failures. What happend to Knox?

Time/Winner: 2:50/The Great Khali

They show “Hall-of-Famer” Koko B. Ware in the audience, but thankfully Rey Rey’s music hits. As much as I don’t like his music, I’d rather see an actual good wrestler then this alleged “Hall-of-Famer.” Mysterio is even a little cautious coming down the aisle as he acknowledges those in their Mysterio masks. Nice touch.

- Edge vs. Rey Mysterio

I’ve always been disappointed in the matches these two have had with each other. However, both of them have been on a roll lately as far as match quality. Match of course features a COMMERCIAL BREAK. Better early on in this case since we’ve got about 15 minutes left. Oh I’m sorry, we get another COMMERCIAL BREAK later on in the match as well. Ugh. As far as quality goes, I thought this was one of the better matches these two have ever had with one another. A lot of really nice nearfalls early and Mysterio looked the best he’s looked in a long time.  This was very close to Kidd/Christian as far as quality goes and I’d need to see both again before making a full judgment. Edge picks up a clean win after a  spear. Clean win in a match like this is always appreciated. Guess this sets up victories for both babyfaces though. Guess we’ll find out about the contract status of Hardy based on the result Sunday

Time/Winner: 12:26/Edge

Edge tries to attack Rey Rey with the ladder, but Jeff Hardy runs in with a steel chair and hits Edge. He also hits a dive by leaping over the ladder as well to get some measure of revenge. Finally, he holds the world title match.

 Final Thoughts: Minor quibbles with the booking aside, this was another really good show. Some very good wrestling could be found here, even in the first two matches. The main event was not four stars like some have been saying, but it’s great for free television. RAW was a bad show Monday, but the other three WWE shows were really good. If the writers want to focus all the attention on what happens with Monday, I say go right ahead. I’d rather watch the quality wrestling that’s on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday nights. Big thumbs up for this week.

I’ll be back next week with another Smackdown recap and some thoughts on “Extreme Rules.”

Share This

Until we find a permanent reviewer, I feel an obligation for WWE Smackdown to be recapped on a weekly basis since it’s pretty much the best wrestling show of the week. I wrote about in my “Ring Around Wrestling” column last Thursday, which can be found elsewhere on the site. So until further I’m Jerome Cusson, and this… is… SMACKDOWN.

Last week, Jeff Hardy defeated Edge and got to pick the stipulation of their upcoming match at “Extreme Rules.” They’re going to follow up a Pay-Per-View quality television match with a ladder match. I approve. Also Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio were booked for a No-Holds-Barred match. Pretty generic but the talent involved should make it a borderline MOTYC. Also, Youmanga SPOKE!!!! And challenged C.M. Punk to a Samoan Strap match. Wonder if it’s the same as the Yappapa strap match Flair and Hogan had back at Uncensored 2000. I sense half the audience just went “Huh?” so I move onto the show.

Rey Mysterio’s theme hits, and noticeably absent is the opening theme. Since it sucks, I approve. The bad part is I still have to Rey Rey’s music… which also sucks. Remember when wrestling shows used to open with wrestling matches. Every single WWE (and TNA program) just has to begin with a 20 minute promo. Tonight will be “Team Ego” (as Jim Ross puts it) of Edge and Jericho against Rey Rey and Jeff Hardy in the main event. This was supposed to be the main event a few weeks ago. Good match to build the Pay-Per-View. You’d think competent people were booking this show or something.

Mysterio talks some Spanish, but then gets to business as he talks about his match with Jericho. This promo is awful and really cookie cutter. Seriously, just let Jericho do all the promo work and let these two wrestle. Putting a microphone in front of Rey Rey has never led to anything good. Thankfully, your hero and mine Chris Jericho (w/suit) interrupts and he coldly calculatingly talks trash about Mysterio. Segment numero uno saved by Jericho. Remind me to send this man a thesaurus for Christmas. Rey Rey talks and says Jericho’s words don’t mean anything. Ha.

Mickey Rourke is in attendance for another WWE show. Oh, maybe he’ll “break his wrist” again. God, what a worker. Jericho goes to the outside and talks to Rourke, calling him worthless. Well, he must have followed Mickey’s boxing career too. Onto some mask talk as we ratchet up the goodness again. Jericho says he’s going to take the mask off and says it will be his downfall. He tries to cheap shot him, but Rey Rey responds but does not get the 619. Minor thumbs up for this because of Jericho’s awesomeness.

- R-Truth and The Great Khali vs. Dolph Ziggler and Mike Knox

I hate play-by-play, so look elsewhere if you want every single move described. A few weeks ago, I could have cared less about any of these four people. Okay, so I still don’t actually care, but at least this match makes sense, and the mid-carders have something to do. Plus, Ziggler COULD be a big star for WWE down the line.   R-Truth and Mike Knox have each defeated each other in singles matches the last two weeks while Ziggler and Khali have been playing cat and mouse games. Khali rapping is quite a site.

Truth and Ziggler thankfully start and have a nice exchange. The cat and mouse games continue with Ziggler avoiding Khali. Knox and Khali are in the same ring, and I wonder why I decided to review this show. This doesn’t last long before R-Truth gets tagged in, and we have our heat segment. R-Truth tags in Khali and we have the big man dream match once again. Khali finally gets his hands on Ziggler for a brief moment and almost kills him with an attempted chokeslam. Ziggler ditches his partner leading to a Khali pinfall victory. Not horrible or anything.

Time/Winner (s): 4:04/Khali and R-Truth

Truth and Khali dance some more.

Goody. Melina is up next.

- Non-Title Match: Alicia Fox w/Michelle McCool vs. Melina ©

This is basically a handicap match with Alicia Fox’s hair the way it is. They show a clip from the awful awful Melina promo from last week. There was a brief moment when Melina seemed to be getting better wrestlingwise. However, ever since coming back from her injury, she’s sucked a big one… in the ring you perverts. This is also building to some women’s title match between Michelle McCool and Melina at some point. Can’t wait to review that either.

Melina uses a nice matrix move early, so we’ve avoided negative stars. Fox takes over after a distraction by McCool. This is at least better then Kelly Kelly and Maryse’s match. Being taped no doubt helps. Melina gets the advantage back but once again loses it to due a distraction by McCool. Melina wins with what Ross calls a “Primal Scream.” Bet Morrison has heard that before. Match was too short to mean anything, but at least it was better than the Divas match on Monday.

Time/Winner (s): 2:32/Melina

McCool hands Melina her championship as Tool Grisham says these two will meet “sometime in the future.” What I took from that was, “The bookers have no idea what they’re doing week-to-week, so it could happen at any time.”

Josh Matthews interviews John Morrison who’s wrestling Umaga tonight. Morrison doesn’t cut a very sterling promo, and I think he comes off way too cocky to be a babyface. Sheldon Banjamin comes in and says they have unfinished business. Morrison rightfully points out he’s beaten Benjamin twice and beaten Haas too. Please let this program end.

Promotion of the Smackdown main event at “Extreme Rules.” We see a video package showcasing Jeff Hardy in various ladder matches. A very well done piece of business that serves to hype the show well. Only thing I wish they had pointed out is that Edge has won more ladder matches then just about anyone in WWE and has just as much experience as Hardy does in this type of match. Then Hardy comes to cut a promo. It’s too bad that Hardy is apparently leaving at the end of the summer because he’s become so much better on the stick and in the ring. Interesting to note that Hardy said the feud will end at the Pay-Per-View. That’s a lie since feuds never end in WWE. Then Hardy leaves. Couldn’t he have just said this in a backstage promo? Umaga comes out while Hardy is leaving. Wonder if they’re teasing a feud between these two. Anyway, this naturally segues into…

- John Morrison vs. Umaga

WWE still has so much work to do with Morrison as a babyface. Why in the hell are they having this match? There are like a billion people on the roster who could take what should be a pretty big beating. And believe me, I realize that Umaga needs this match more by virtue of the fact that he’s got the strap match at “Extreme Rules.” Oh. God. They’re doing the four corners rule. Well, that match is now officially a failure.

Morrison uses his resourcefulness to gain an early advantage and even leaps onto Umaga on the outside. Can’t believe Morrison is taking so much of this match. Just as I type that, Umaga takes over with a big samoan drop. Of course we take a commercial break. Grrrr. I hate that. Come back with Umaga in a resthold so I guess we didn’t miss a whole lot. Huge superkick send Morrison flying to the floor in a cool spot. Replays make it look (and sound) even better. Another huge move, this time a clothesline. Vulcan nerve pinch (Hey, certainly looks like that to me) by Umaga as the crowd… doesn’t do a whole lot. There’s about ten people cheering while everyone else is kinda sitting on their hands. Umaga almost injures Morrison on a botched throw, and he looks gassed. Morrison finally comes back with a DDT and then a nearfall. He uses his speed to try and get the big man down, but Umaga uses a chop to the throat and takes over. Miss in the corner and Morrison comes off the ropes with a kick. Umaga hits Morrison with the strap for a disqualification. So after some ten minutes, we get a crappy ending to end a boring match. I didn’t want Morrison to lose, but Umaga really needed an emphatic victory to build up the drama with he and Mr. Punk.

Time/Winner (s): 11:32 (9:32 shown)/John Morrison

Umaga continues to beat up Morrison with the strap in the corner until Punk uses the briefcase to finally get some measure of revenge against Umaga. Punk even gets to cut a promo, and he gets to show off some of the dickishness that made him awesome in Ring of Honor. One of the better promos he’s had since he came to WWE.

- Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas vs. Cryme Time

This actually has a reason for happening as Cryme Time came out during a tag match involving Primo and Carlito against The World’s Greatest Tag Team 24 hours earlier on “Superstars.” We see what happened, and I thought that ruined what was a decent tag team match. For the record, I can’t stand Cryme Time and think they’re highly annoying. Benjamin has had so many stops and starts a single that I’m hoping being reunited with Haas gives both of them something to do.

Pretty basic match that includes yet another freakin’ commercial break. They really need to cut this out. Not only because I try and time these matches, but because it’s hard to go in and out of trying to get into match. The Los Angeles crowd continues to be among the worst I’ve seen for a WWE show in quite some time. Man, I hate the west coast. It was at least nice to see this match get a little bit of time attached to it. I think a better crowd would have helped, but WWE was kicked out of Colorado, so we got stuck with a lame California crowd. Eventually, Benjamin hits his finisher (Pay Dirt) for the victory. Wow, he actually won a match. Can’t say that too often these days.

Time/Winner (s): 9:37 (7:37 shown)/Sheldon Benjamin and Charlie Haas

A recap of the scintillating feud between Eve and Layla. This might be the dumbest feud on Smackdown. After seeing the backstage fight from two weeks ago, I’ll go out on a limb and say it is the worst.

- Eve vs. Layla

I’m not bothering. I could not possible give a rat’s ass about this feud or this match. Three divas matches in one week is about two too many, especially considering five of the six women involved are terrible in the ring. In this situation, I can see why the crowd sat on their hands. Eve wins and one can only hope this feud is over. Sadly, I get the impression it isn’t .

Time/Winner (s): 3:08/ Eve

Up next is the main event. Edge and Jericho have an awkward confrontation. This is immediately better then just about anything on this show. Jericho says Edge should have the match by himself. Cause that’s what WWE needs. Yet another handicap match where the babyfaces have the advantage. Edge also gets time to talk and says the two words to describe Jeff Hardy are “wasted opportunities.” Edge brings up the point about owning the ladder match. THANK YOU. Someone in the WWE is actually thinking and using their brains. Great promo that also speaks the truth. I remember when I used to rag on this guy. Well, he’s probably the best reason to watch Smackdown (other than Jericho).

Jericho’s music plays, and there’s no site of him. Rey Mysterio comes out but is suddenly attacked by a masked man from the crowd. Wait, that’s Jericho attacking. Brilliant piece of business as more quality heat is built for their match. Only question is whether the mask is going to be put on the line at “Extreme Rules” or whether they smartly wait. Jericho tries to pull the mask off and Hardy finally makes the save.

- Rey Mysterio and Jeff Hardy vs. Edge and Chris Jericho

Sadly, this remains a handicap match, but at least the heels have the advantage this time. This is a step up for the WWE universe. It’s pretty run-of-the mill with Hardy getting some early spots beating up the heels before the numbers game becomes too much. Hardy comes back and heel miscommunication almost gets him the win. Jericho and Edge’s attempt at a double team fails and Hardy gets a Whisper in the Wind. Spear by Edge gets a three count for the heels. Grisham calling the heels “The Egomaniacs” was also

Time/Winner (s): 7:15/Edge and Chris Jericho

Edge brings out a ladder and nails Hardy with an awfully stiff shot. Then he sandwiches Hardy in the ladder and stands over him. I’d like to know where Jericho went. He just literally disappeared. End of show.

Final Thoughts: Los Angeles was the site for one of the worst weeks of television WWE has put on in quite some time. Chris Jericho and Edge did some decent promos and the beating of Rey Rey did a fine job of building to the Pay-Per-View, but there were no real quality wrestling matches. Also, a dead crowd did this show no favors since a dead crowd kills even the best of matches. Bad show this week, but I’ll just write it off as a bad week and get excited for the go home Smackdown next Friday.

Share This