Pro Wrestling Ponderings

Hello all!

Unfortunately this week I need to do a shortened edition of I’m With Stupid. There’s a lot of stuff going on outside of the wrestling world and I simply do not have the time to write out a full column of my gripes with dumb booking decisions. Next week, things should be back to normal.

So instead of my usual battery of complaints, I’ll keep this simple with a countdown of the 10 stupidest people of the week.

10: Rhett Titus (ROH) - On last week’s edition of ROH on HDNet, which I did not see until this week, Rhett (along with partner Kenny King) put on one of the worst matches I’ve ever seen in ROH. Hideously ugly stuff, Titus.

9: Chavo Guerrero and Hornswoggle (WWE) - It just wouldn’t be “I’m With Stupid” without these two. The storyline that absolutely refuses to end just keeps on going. The Chavo/’Swoggle feud is basically a lock for my “Stupid Feud of the Year” award come December.

8: Everyone Involved in the First 2/3 of this Week’s ECW (WWE) - Those first tow matches this week actually hurt my brain. Then again, what else should I expect from a broken down Tommy Dreamer, a green Yoshi Tatsu, and the Roundtable?

7: The Divas (WWE) - The entire division gets called out; if I have to see one more “Ask the Divas” segment on Superstars, I’m gonna rip my hair out. And the Diva Bowl…dear God.

6: Traci Brooks and Christy Hemme (TNA) - Not so much stupid on their part, but that Bunnies match from Impact was a chore to watch. I don’t find Traci Brooks all that attractive and I *hate* Christy Hemme, so it was skippable in the first place. Then I remembered that Hemme was a Bunny from WWE, and it took my gripes to a whole new level.

5: WWE (WWE) - For trying to compete with Monday Night Football this week. I mean, the rating DID go up, but it had nowhere to go but up after half the audience turned off Al Sharpton after five minutes.

4: The Genius That Booked Hell in a Cell (WWE) - Forget opening a show with a Hell in a Cell match, which is pretty stupid when you think about it. Why, why, why, why, WHY would anyone put the title on The Undertaker right now? Look, don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been a huge Taker mark, but the man simply cannot put on the kinds of matches that are required of a champion any more. Plus, the World Heavyweight Title is quickly being booked into oblivion with all the title changes…why not just give Punk a few months? We all know the title is going to change hands again in three weeks anyway, so why bother doing it at HIAC?

3: Vince Russo (TNA) - I HATED Impact this week. Why on earth would Russo put on that ladder match (which was admittedly good) for free with no prior mention of it? It’s not like the damn match was built to over the last few weeks or even announced the week prior, so why do it?!?

2: The Genius Behind Bragging Rights (WWE) - The idea of all Raw vs. Smackdown matches with a final main event showdown intrigued me, even though ECW would again be getting the shaft. The actual concept, though, leaves a lot to be desired.

Stupid Person of the Week: Ric Flair (WOOOOOOO!) - Ric, for wasting all of your hard earned money for the last few decades and losing a quite expensive belt, I’ve got no choice but to give you SPOTW. You can pick up your award when you pay me back. By the way, the fact that Highspots expects to get $75,000+ for it in this economy gives them the honorable mention award.

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Welcome to “I’m With Stupid,” where this week, I make use of four really clichéd smark terms. Try and find them!

Before anyone asks, this week’s subtitle is in regard to the ROH World Championship debacle in New York on Saturday. Listen to the podcast to get my full opinion on the snorefest of a title bout, but the Twinkies related chanting was perhaps the best part of the entire match.

For the second straight week, no one did anything boneheaded enough for me to automatically anoint a “Stupid Person of the Week,” so the dreaded nominee list will be back! Who is it? Well, obviously, you’ll need to READ ON, HOMIES!

And I promise I’ll never do that again.

Oh! By the way…as a special bonus this week, since I’m relatively short on content, I give Hell in a Cell predictions (in a relatively serious tone), because I’m gonna be there live (possibly wearing my Hydra mask)!

TNA: Oh. My. God.

First, the positive: for the first time in seemingly forever, we got NO Cody Deaner pervading our television screens. Nothing. Nada. Unless I went blind halfway through the show, I didn’t have to catch a look at him. That automatically makes it the best Impact since I started “I’m With Stupid.”

In addition, we had a solid X Division match, a great promo from AJ, and a lot of mediocre stuff that didn’t offend the senses…until the main event.

Seriously…the Tag Team Championship Match was probably the worst match I have seen all year (and one of the worst I’ve ever seen), and that’s saying something from a guy who’s planning on eventually starting a side column called “Masochist Theater.”

Let’s forget for a second that the main event of the show went about three minutes, which is always a negative for me. We had a really predictable and yet REALLY stupid swerve with Foley turning on Abyss. Then, in the post match stupidity, we managed to see Abyss hit about a 3 on the Muta Scale because he got hit with a VHS tape.

Now kids, I don’t blame you if you don’t watch Impact, but words cannot describe how mind-numbingly painful it is to watch something like this. While I’ve never been hit with a videocassette, I imagine that being hit with one at full force would still not be enough for me to bleed buckets. Yes, there was barbed wire involved after the fact, but even barbed wire probably would not get as much blood as Abyss managed to get flowing.

Now we’re set up for a Foley-Abyss match at Bound for Glory that absolutely no sane person would ever want to see.

Thanks Russo! Thanks Ferrara!

WWE
Superstars: “Ask the Divas” was once again a complete waste of everyone’s time, but at least they had the good sense to hide it with the Recap section of the episode. Perhaps, just PERHAPS, this segment will soon make its departure from my weekly list of hatred, but don’t hold your breath Divas division. You might pop an implant.

A lot of people hated the Regal-Goldust match, but in a rare moment of sympathy, I’m going to defend it. While I hate DQ finishes as much as the next card-carrying IWC member, I’ll say that the match at least built to an angle for ECW, and that’s always a plus.

Smackdown: Overall, a fairly solid Smackdown this week. Other than a perfectly meaningless Kane squash of Jesse – pardon, Jeezy – that wasted valuable air time, we didn’t get much else that was offensive to the eyes, ears, and heart of yours truly.

Raw: I’m reasonably sure that when all is said and done, the guest host concept will go down as one of WWE’s greatest blunders, the publicity surrounding the hosts notwithstanding. Al Sharpton wasn’t that bad in terms of what he did on the show (since I think he appeared only three times and two of the three times were for short, meaningless backstage segments), but the crowd’s reaction of X-Pac Heat should have been a signal as to how much the “WWE Universe” disliked the decision to let him host. The final sign that it was a mistake, though, was the 3.1 rating for the show, down from the 3.4 for the previous two weeks.

As I was saying, he wasn’t THAT bad (but he was still bad), and there was far more to complain about for this week’s Raw.

First off, I’m convinced that the Divas Championship is cursed. The Butterfly Belt seems to make the women of whatever brand have it suck out loud. Seriously, since Mickie James won it, I don’t think she’s put on a single good match. I wasn’t expecting much out of her match with Rosa, but I got even less than expected.

Second, I’m officially narrowing down “Stupid Person of the Year” to three groups: Cody Deaner, The Raw Guest Hosts, and Chavo Guerrero. Never mind the fact that somehow, Chavo won a match that featured Hornswoggle (though it was a tag match and neither factored into the decision). The fact that the cause of Chavo’s burial was put into the Masterlock and Chavo actually HELPED him made absolutely no sense. I’m sure this means that Chavo has now developed a soft spot for the dwarf and this will lead to a face turn, but is anyone going to care?

It’s rare for a turn to happen in this manner, following a long losing streak, because it rarely works. MVP’s turn after months of jobbing was a fluke, not a way to build credible new stars. Turning Chavo, who has spent the better part of ten weeks continuously jobbing to a little person, isn’t going to help him get over with the crowds in either the short run or the long run.

Not a good Raw by any means, but there have been far worse with the guest hosts. I’m actually looking forward to Ben Roethlisberger next week, even if I won’t watch it ‘til Tuesday (not the band that sings ‘Voices Carry’).

ECW: There was nothing particularly bad about this ECW show, but is it so much to ask for an ECW title match at Hell in a Cell?!? I mean, honestly, I realize there’s no credible opponent for Christian to face right now, but at least give the people who buy the pay-per-view SOME reason to tune in next Tuesday. Is that so much to ask?

ROH: Look, Glory by Honor VIII was an alright show, as I noted in the podcast, and the Ladder War for the Tag Team Championship was EXCELLENT. That said, though, given that Eddie Edwards’ elbow condition may actually be worse than initially expected (as he reportedly has a SECOND fracture there), it becomes increasingly apparent that keeping the Tag Team Championship on the American Wolves was a flat out moronic decision.

Oh, and have I made it clear how much Aries-Williams sucked? It was so bad, that I’m going to a coin a new word for the match’s lack of quality: Atrocination. This thing was so bad that it was both an atrocity AND an abomination.

Hell in a Cell Predictions: Really fast:

World Heavyweight Championship (Hell in a Cell): CM Punk © defeats The Undertaker to retain, although I have no idea how in the hell he will ever pull it off. I just desperately want SOMEONE to hold the World Heavyweight Title for more than three months, something that hasn’t happened since 2007.

WWE Championship (Hell in a Cell): John Cena © defeats Randy Orton to retain, despite attempted interference from Legacy.

Hell in a Cell Match: D-Generation X defeats Legacy; in a perfect world, Legacy would continue gaining momentum, but in all likelihood, DX gets their win back after Breaking Point.

Unified Tag Team Championship: Batista and Rey Mysterio defeat Chris Jericho and Big Show © to become new champions; I’ve just got a feeling about this one, though I’d be thrilled if this DIDN’T happen.

United States Championship: The Miz defeats Kofi Kingston © and Jack Swagger to become new champion; a man can dream!

Intercontinental Championship: John Morrison © defeats Dolph Ziggler to retain. I could see this going either way, but I think Dolph gets the IC belt next month in their inevitable rematch.

Divas Championship: Mickie James © v. Alicia Fox – who cares?

If I manage to go 0-fer for these predictions, I will be making myself Stupid Person of the Week, by the way.

Stupid Person of the Week: AND THE NOMINEES ARE:

TNA: Abyss – for apparently thinking that outdated media = buckets of blood.

WWE: Whoever asked Al Sharpton to come to Raw – ‘nuff said.

MyNetwork TV - for getting one step closer to the abyss (not Chris Parks) that is non-existence.

Chavo Guerrero - for making my head asplode on Raw.

ROH: Adam Pearce - for keeping the tag belts on the Wolves despite Eddie Edwards’ injury AND for making me sit through that twenty minute atrocination of a World Championship match.

And the Winner Is…: Though it was a close one this week, the winner is Chavo Guerrero, barely edging out Adam Pearce! Chavo, you can pick up your trophy when any and all involvement with Hornswoggle finally comes to an end…which is to say about two weeks after the apocalypse.

Pearce, you can take solace in the fact that you’re still a better booker than Vince Russo and that at least you can build up quality World Title matches thanks to a budding feud between Aries and Cornette.

Until next week, stay stupid!

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You see what I did there with the title? Because the TNA show was called “No Surren…” ah, forget it.

It’s time for yet another week of “I’m With Stupid,” and I’ve got to say…I don’t know what to do. For the FIRST time in the (admittedly brief) history of this column, yours truly had a difficult time selecting the “Stupid Person of the Week,” since we’ve gone a full seven days without some moron in the wrestling world publicly making a fool of themselves.

As a result, this week’s “Stupid Person of the Week” will get it for something more related to, you know, wrestling. Perhaps it will be a dumb booking decision; perhaps it will be a kayfabe thing. READ ON TO FIND OUT!!!

TNA: Before I talk about “No Surrender,” which I will be covered in depth in a few paragraphs, let me talk about the Impact that immediately preceded it. This was the first “bad” Impact in a while, but it wasn’t hideously awful. In general, I had problems with the fact that this is the show before a pay-per-view and yet the entire show seemed to be built around short matches with little hype and throwaway garbage.

And that leads me to the obligatory “Cody Deaner is Slowly Killing Me” moment for the week. I think we’ve gone into great detail about how much I loathe this entire storyline, and I know I’m not alone on this.

I get it – Deaner’s an idiot who wants the Knockouts Championship in an apparent effort to make every intelligent fan’s head explode. Or something. But is it really necessary to have him bury every woman on the roster?

Look TNA, let’s strike a deal – if you promise to keep Cody Deaner out of my line of sight, I’ll promise to make my Impact rundowns shorter.

Wait, TNA, you hired Ed Ferrara? Never mind.

Now that this angle is hopefully behind us forever though (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, KNOCK ON WOOD) because Deaner got beaten by ODB in a match that helped neither of them, there are some other problems. Namely Abyss. It’s like we went back in time to when every stupid angle was centered on “The Monster.” All the stupid backstage stuff is killing my interest (again) in the character. And to top it off, his match with Kevin Nash was absolutely God awful.

I’ll admit that that was what I was expecting, but still, if everyone knows a match is going to be hideously awful, then maybe, just maybe, it shouldn’t be booked.

“No Surrender” also had several other moments that were pure awful. Apart from the ODB/Deaner match and the Abyss/Nash debacle, I had two principle problems.

First off, the Bobby Lashley/Rhino match was pure stupidity. I know that Bobby needs to look strong, but his first match didn’t have to be against a guy who’s been a champion of the company. Anybody who bought the pay-per-view to see Bobby Lashley wrestle (and to be honest, I’m not one of them) did so because it was a chance to see him wrestle, not a chance to see Lashley wrestle. His match could have been against anyone. Hell, it could have been a squash against Cody Deaner.

I would have paid twice to see that.

The other complaint was the treatment of Hernandez. Why waste him cashing in to basically write him out of the title match? Is he getting another shot? Should I care? Honestly, I HATED the way this was booked.

WWE
Superstars: Welcome back to the “I’m With Stupid” fold, D-show! For the first time in a while, Superstars did something that got on my radar, and it was the same thing as the last time I mentioned: “Ask the Divas!”

Look, this was by no means awful, but I always have beef when a stupid segment is thrown onto a one hour show. You’ve got only a few minutes to build with, and segments like this do nothing for anyone.

Smackdown: Khali-Kane. Khali-Kane. Khali-Kane. Please, please, PLEASE let it be over.

In other news, I’ve really left the Dolph Ziggler stuff out of “IWS” for awhile now, but I’m getting sick of it. Where is this going? I’m assuming we’ll see a Diva feud develop out of this, but I honestly could not care any less than I do.

The Raw: Cedric the Entertainer sucked. I don’t like to talk Wrestlecrap too much, but if the whole “Raw Guest Host” thing doesn’t win Gooker of the Year, I will be amazed; yes, there have been some good hosts (Dusty, Bob Barker to an extent, DiBiase, Shaq) but for the most part, it’s taken most of my willpower to not fast forward through every time I see the Guest Host of the Week. And wouldn’t you know it, I didn’t watch Raw live this week!

I didn’t skirt my duties, though; I sat, and I watched, and I tried to not to hit the forward pointing arrows on my remote. So I got to hear about the son of Cowboy Bob Thorton, Mark Henry being the Kool Aid Man, and of course, how much Cedric loves “The Raw.”

And to make matters worse, Chavo Guerrero’s Burial of the Week continues with him now facing off with someone who has never wrestled before…AND his feud with Hornswoggle isn’t over at all!

For those that missed it (and be thankful you did), Chavo faced Cedric this week. Mid match, Cedric went under the ring, only for a large masked man dressed like Cedric to come out from underneath the ring. He beat up Chavo, only for Hornswoggle to jump out and hit the Tadpole Splash. So Cedric is now jobbing simultaneously to a midget and a guy who has never wrestled. Unbelievable.

I’ll ask it again: who did Chavo tick off? Why is it necessary to bury him every week when he’s actually a talented worker?

Before I move on to ECW, I would like to mention that despite the fact that she absolutely sucked on the microphone for the last two years plus, it is sad to see Lilian Garcia go; she has been a part of Raw for just way too long. Word is that the girl taking over Smackdown’s announcing duties is smoking hot, though, so I’ll likely be able to deal.

ECW: I honestly don’t care what anyone else says, I *hate* the Abraham Washington show. It’s just like Superstars. You get ONE HOUR to develop storylines and feuds, why waste time with this stupidity? I will admit that it led to more Sheamus stuff and that’s a good thing AND that it led to more Shelton stuff and that’s an AWESOME thing, but can anyone tell me why this needed to happen on this dumb segment?

On a positive note, Christian vs. Ryder kicked all kinds of rear end. I conditionally take back my badmouthing of Ryder. For now.

Stupid Person of the Week: As I’ve already mentioned, this week’s “Stupid Person of the Week” is the first to earn the dubious distinction solely on the merits of what they did in their respective company in front of the entire world (not counting Lilian Garcia’s horrible botch at SummerSlam.)

In honor of the Emmys, the nominees are:
TNA: Hernandez – for cashing in his title shot, only to get taken out of the match and looking like an idiot.

Cody Deaner – for wasting valuable airtime on Impact AND on pay-per-view.

Whoever Hired Ed Ferrara (probably Vince Russo) – for hiring Ed Ferrara, and for that matter, for probably being Vince Russo.

WWE: Chavo Guerrero – for taking a dump on Vince McMahon’s salad (the only explanation I’ve got right now).

Cedric the Entertainer – for horribly botching his opening promo AND being involved in a debacle of a match.

Jeff Hardy – because it was such a slow week, he might just deserve it again!

Miscellaneous: Me – for watching all of this crap every week.

While I’m strongly tempted to go with either myself or Cody Deaner (who, I feel will get Stupid Person of the Year even if I never give him the weekly award), I have to go with Cedric the Entertainer! You can pick up the award when you finally become entertaining.

That’s it for this week. Hopefully someone in the wrestling world will commit a crime so I don’t have to do a nominee list again, because I’m sure Ernst and Young botched the ballot counting.

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Welcome back once again to “I’m With Stupid!” This week, I’m still coping with the fact that the feud that has fueled my ire for weeks is now dragging even more people into it. I’m almost at a loss for what to say. Almost.

TNA: You all know I’m going to start with my main source of TNA hatred, Mr. Cody Deaner. Seriously…Impact was awesome this week save for his match with Tara, which may have caused my brain to congeal. Let’s go over all the reasons why it was incredibly dumb to do this match:

1. It was an MMA match, which is always a red flag; I don’t care that Tara is training to do MMA – an inter-gender MMA match is a dumb idea and makes TNA look stupid.

2. Cody Deaner is actively competing against Knockouts. When a guy is competing against the women for the women’s title, who does it help? It’s not helping Deaner, who will likely be released this time next year due to complete apathy from the fans. It’s not helping the women; nobody is going to take the division seriously, which leads to point 3:

3. YOU’RE TRYING TO BUILD THE WOMEN’S DIVISION! Why bother if the focal point of the division is going to be a man? Are they preemptively creating the Knockout Tag Titles because they know they’re going to kill the singles title dead in a few weeks?

The only other problem I had with Impact was with Abyss and Dr. Stevie; the match has been built up for weeks, and while I expected the result, I figured it would at least be put on pay-per-view. I know some of you are scratching your heads, but seriously…a hardcore rules match would have been great.

WWE
Smackdown: What’s this? Complaints about Smackdown? Indeed, I do have a complaint about Smackdown, but it’s just one. Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with Kane and the Great Khali, even though any time the two of them interact, I want to shudder.

No, my problem with the blue show is with Drew McIntyre. Don’t get me wrong, the dude’s gonna be a star, but this whole “beat down R-Truth” thing has to go somewhere soon (and by soon, I mean this week). At this point, the match-up between the two of them is going to stink because either Truth will be buried because he can’t get it done in a match or Drew will lose in his debut and look like an idiot who’s all talk. Please, for the sake of both of them, end this.

Breaking Point: Ugh. What an awful show. Seriously, I didn’t enjoy it. I’d say I’m not going to order Hell in a Cell, but the problem is that I actually have tickets to be there live.
I’ll admit that some of the matches were in the pretty good to very good range (The US Title match, DX/Legacy, Christian/Regal, Cena/Orton), but everything else was unwatchable.

Once again, I’ll skip the Kane-Khali stuff because honestly it’s too easy to make fun of and below my level. Let’s talk about that ridiculous segment with Pat Patterson. First off, Ziggler and Morrison deserved a match. There was time for it on the card (especially if they got rid of Kane and Khali) and having them be involved in a segment with Pat Patterson was moronic. I get the idea, since Patterson was the first IC champ and the show was in his hometown of Montreal, but the entire segment just stunk the place up. Nobody really cared when Patterson came out, nobody cared about Dolph, and nobody cared when Morrison made the save. In the end, this hurt the two guys that were supposed to be helped by the segment. I wouldn’t be surprised if Dolph suddenly didn’t get his IC Title match or if Morrison quickly dropped the belt. Or both for that matter.

Of course, this wasn’t my real gripe with the show. Not by a long shot. I can’t even believe I’m mentioning The Undertaker and CM Punk as being involved in something stupid, and yet here I am. WWE needed a cop out way to get out of this match since there’s a pay-per-view in three weeks, the Undertaker hasn’t submitted to anyone not named Kurt Angle, and the show was in Montreal.

Because it’s so much fun, I’m going to list my problems:

1. Punk looked like a loser for tapping in eight minutes.

2. The restart wasn’t a bad idea in theory, but the premise was dumb. Let’s see…Taker used a move that was banned by Vickie Guerrero. Okay. That would be fine (and a great call back to some history, which I always approve of), except that Taker’s used the move multiple times without consequence since Vickie Guerrero left Smackdown. In other words, at some point, the move was unbanned. So all those past developments were forgotten by creative.

“Let’s have Teddy Long come out and say that Taker’s move is banned.”

“But it’s not any more. He’s used it.”

“Please. No one’s going to remember that he’s used it. Wrestling fans have the attention spans of goldfish.”

Before anyone complains about me being nitpicky, it’s not like it’s that hard to justify it. Hell, why not have Teddy Long just come out after the match and say that he’s following in Vickie Guerrero’s footsteps and re-banning the move? Yes, it would still be a stupid copout, but it’s a little better than what WWE did.

3. WE GET IT. THE SHOW’S IN MONTREAL. HOORAY FOR YET ANOTHER FAKE SCREWJOB!
If not for some news that came out this week, whatever idiot that thought redoing Montreal was a good idea would have won my award easily.

Raw: Right off the bat, I’ve got a problem. It’s not that I hate Batista, it’s that I want him to retire and go away. I (unfortunately) called the move to Smackdown last week amongst my friends, and I’m kicking myself for releasing the thought into the air. I guess I understand why they’re moving him; despite the usual quality of Smackdown (the Breaking Point finish notwithstanding), the ratings stink out loud. But we can forget about Matt Hardy and John Morrison coming close to main eventing shows this year. Knowing Batista, Punk will probably be out of the main event picture himself by Survivor Series.

Yes, Batista-Taker was fun in 2007. I don’t need to see the feud yet again, though. Change things up! That’s why Punk being on top this summer has been so much fun; we get main events that are new and exciting.

This Miz-Kofi stuff is really starting to annoy me. I love ‘em both, but I think with each passing week, they’re both being booked into oblivion. I’m a firm believer that midcard titles should be emphasized (because what’s the point of having them if you’re not going to use them), and with the Miz saying he’s going to go after the US title a few weeks ago, I was pumped that the belt was getting attention. Now we’re getting three minute matches. In two weeks, I’m expecting Kofi to pin the Miz in seven seconds. No lie.

Gail Kim…wow. Two weeks ago, I said that I thought Gail forgot how to wrestle. At this point, I’m convinced of it. Her match two weeks ago was far, far worse, I’ll admit, but man; what is it with her? She was great in TNA and was great in her first run with WWE; what happened since her return that has caused her to be this god-awful?

Apparently, Carlito annoyed someone, because he’s now being dragged into the Bourne/Chavo/Hornswoggle vortex of suck. I’ve really got nothing else to say about this, except maybe, finally, mercifully, this whole feud is over, since Chavo has given up. I suspect that Carlito will be taking his place.

Speaking of Carlito, what on earth happened to Primo? I feel like I haven’t seen him in weeks. Did he get released and no one told me? I think we may need to file a missing persons report or something. We can do a manhunt or call out the bloodhounds.

ECW: Zach Ryder? Really?

Really?

Stupid Person of the Week: I’ll give you one guess. Go ahead. If you said anyone besides Jeff Hardy, you’re going to share in the award with him.

Let’s see…the dude gets busted with a cornucopia of drugs in his house, so much so that he may in fact be facing fourteen years of prison. What else can you say? That kind of stupidity makes you a lock for this award.

Jeff, you can pick the award up whenever you’re out of prison. While Kurt Angle may have dodged a huge bullet this week by getting three of the four counts against him dropped or thrown out, chances are you’re going to be doing time. Maybe not the full fourteen years, but I’ve got a feeling you won’t be seen on WWE TV next year. And I’ve also got a feeling that Vince McMahon is thanking his lucky stars that Hardy didn’t get busted while he was on the roster.

That’ll do it for this week. I promise I’ll stop being so serious soon.

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Welcome once again to another edition of “I’m With Stupid,” or as the kids (don’t) call it, “I’m with Stu!” This week wasn’t the craziest week of wrestling stupidity out there, but that doesn’t mean there weren’t moments worth chronicling! Just as a note about this week’s edition: it’s the first week of school for yours truly, so while I will gladly chronicle the week in idiocy, I have my serious doubts that this will be a laugh riot. So please just bear with me for this week and I’ll make with the ha-has again next week.

TNA: We got YET ANOTHER good Impact this week, one that featured two VERY good AJ Styles matches (that match with Williams is one of the better free TV matches TNA has ever put on). That said, though, there were, as always, moments worth pointing out as, well, stupid.

First and foremost, the Sting-Rhino opening match annoyed me to no end. Don’t get me wrong; I had no problem with the result or the post-match beatdown or anything like that. I suppose that my complaint is that, well, things were a bit rushed this week. Granted, that’s what happens when you have two rounds of a tournament in one week while trying to advance angles and storylines and all that. But maybe…just maybe…someone should have stopped and said “this is a stupid idea.”

The first rule of booking a tournament is normally “make what the guys are fighting for seem important.” It’s nearly impossible to do this when matches go less than five minutes, and that’s what has to happen when you book so many tournament matches in one show. What’s more is that the losers of these matches are made to look pathetic.

Take Rhino for instance. At the next pay-per-view, he’s in a pretty big match against Bobby Lashley. Now, I’m of the opinion that given the match he already has, he shouldn’t have been in this tournament at all, but since he was, having him lose in such a short amount of time really hurt him. I think most people have already figured out how this match will turn out, but at least make Rhino look like a credible threat! Is it so much to ask for a ten minute loss? Or hell, a DQ loss after he goes to far yet again? Did whoever book this tournament lose their common sense?

Up next…I’ve got to talk about the Main Event Mafia backstage segment. Look, there was nothing particularly bad about the backstage antics of Booker, Angle, and Steiner. However, I only say that because I had no idea what was going on. I rewatched the segment a good ten times and I still have no earthly idea what Booker T said. I don’t know if he was hopped up on speed during the segment, but his mouth was moving at a speed that would get him caught on the radar gun! Seeing as how Impact isn’t taped live, couldn’t they have reshot the segment? Is Booker T TV’s Calculon? Does he not do second takes? (Semi-obscure Futurama joke FTW!)

Seriously folks, if you have any idea what Booker was talking about, please comment!

Finally, while I didn’t particularly care for the main event of Impact, I understood that it needed to be where it was to lend way for the crazy brawl to finish the show.

There’s only one other TNA thing to mention, but you better believe I’m saving that for later.

WWE: No complaints at all about Superstars due to it being basically ALL-WRESTLING, and Smackdown continued with the awesomeness for yet another week. ECW really had nothing to complain about either! Too bad that had to be ruined by Raw.

Raw: Before I talk about the events of The Price Is Raw proper, I have to say that I’m filled with a sense of dread and foreboding. Next Monday, Batista will be appearing to make a special announcement. While some are speculating that “The Animal” will be retiring, I’m thinking that based on a teaser in this week’s Smackdown spoilers, we’re going to see Big Dave head back to the blue brand.

If this is the case, I feel as though a LOT of Smackdown’s momentum will disappear. While I’m sure he and Punk would have excellent matches, the only way for him to work would be as a heel due to the sheer lack of main event level heels besides Punk.

Whatever the announcement may be, I’ll talk about it more next week.

Onto The Price Is Raw! The opening segment was gold. You will not hear (or read, as the case may be) me complain about a Contestant’s Row with IRWIN R. SCHEYSTER, but I am going to have to moan about the continuing saga of Hornswoggle and Chavo.

Just when you think the feud couldn’t make Chavo come out worse, it swerves us and makes Evan Bourne look like a total loser. Remember kids, for the last ten weeks, Chavo has been beaten by a midget. Rather than win because he’s lucky, Hornswoggle has outsmarted Guerrero and made him look like a total idiot every week. He’s barely broken a sweat doing so and hasn’t suffered an offensive move. So this week, rather than face Hornswoggle, they had Chavo take on Evan Bourne. Now, Chavo lost, which is what should have happened, but Bourne got killed throughout the match. Guerrero looked dominant and looked to be in control throughout the match and only lost because Hornswoggle interfered for Bourne to help him get a roll-up. Are you kidding me? Evan Bourne needs the help of Hornswoggle to get a win?!?

I can deal with Chavo actually getting some offense in; the matches with Hornswoggle were all about Hornswoggle outsmarting Guerrero and getting a fluke victory. It’s only natural for him to be at an even level with Bourne since these matches actually involve wrestling. But come on! Did Evan Bourne really need to look like he needed a dwarf’s help him win? Who is that helping in the long run? Who is this feud helping in the long run? WHY DO I ALLOW MYSELF FIVE MINUTES OF THIS STUPIDITY EVERY MONDAY NIGHT?!?

The show went more or less fine after that, until all of a sudden, the show suddenly stopped being about wrestling. Out of nowhere, Raw cut to a backstage interview between Josh Mathews and Bob Barker. Barker hawked his new book and talked about memorable moments from The Price Is Right for a good five minutes. I was dumbfounded; while I’m sure this was part of the deal to get Barker in the guest hosting spot, I couldn’t believe that precious time was wasted on this segment. PEOPLE, YOU HAVE A PAY-PER-VIEW ON SUNDAY THAT NEEDS TO BE BUILT UP!

I mean, you wonder why buy rates are down for pay-per-views. I’d contend that with such little time between shows, part of the problem is that there’s precious little time to make every match on the card seem like a blowaway, must-see match (another reason is that so many shows make each one seem less special, but I digress). Every moment should in some way be building up to the pay-per-view, especially every moment on the show IMMEDIATELY BEFORE THE PAY-PER-VIEW! If the WWE needed Barker so badly and that was part of the deal, they could have waited until *after* the pay-per-view so that this show could focus on things that mattered.

ROH: Before anyone gets their panties in a twist, let me just say that this little thing is not really part of “I’m With Stupid.” Since I don’t have a column of random thoughts (and I missed the cutoff for the weekly review column), “I’m With Stupid” is the place where I come to vent about whatever I’m thinking about. This week, I need to mention that ROH did the right thing.

With Nigel McGuinness following Bryan Danielson out the door at Glory by Honor VIII, many fans (including yours truly) were clamoring for one last Dragon-Nigel match, despite both guys already having matches. Ring of Honor has done the right thing in my book by putting the two guys against one another and letting Aries and Roddy do whatever it is they’re supposed to be doing.

So bravo guys. While your financial position is currently unenviable, you made GBH8 even more awesome!

Stupid Person of the Week: Forget the teaser. I’m getting right to it. When you started reading this column, could there be ANY doubt that this week’s SPOTW would be Angelina Love? While the exact nature of her work visa problems eludes me, the fact that she didn’t ever go out of her way to get the issues resolved and lost her job with TNA as a result of it RIGHT when she was about to win the Knockouts Tag Titles made me slap my forehead with a ton of force.

Seriously Angelina, this was open and shut, even with Sean O’Haire’s push for the award yesterday with his arrest. You can claim you award whenever you get your work status figured out and can return to the country.

That’s gonna do it for me this week. Until next time, stay stupid!

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Welcome back to the only weekly column where yours truly rants and raves about the mental impairment of those in the wrestling world! It’s been quite the week both in the ring and in the news, but before I jump in, I have to announce a new feature for “I’m With Stupid.”

When I first got the idea to do this column, I wanted to list the dumbest moments of the week, with the thing I deemed “most stupid” getting an award. When I re-tooled the column before publication, gone was the list and instead the recap format was chosen. Events this week have convinced me to bring one aspect of the original idea to your computer screens. So, starting this week, I will crown one person The Stupidest Person of the Week!

Since this is only the second column, I can take the liberty to go back in time and crown someone from last week the first ever winner. I barely mentioned this person in the inaugural edition, but this particular person managed, in the span of only a few seconds, to completely ruin one of the World Title matches at Summer Slam. So, Week 1’s Stupidest Person of the Week is none other than Lilian Garcia! Congratulations on COMPLETELY botching the result of the WWE Championship match, confusing the crowd, and taking a lot of momentum away from the entire show, Ms. Garcia! As a plus, given your propensity for botches on pay-per-view, I’m sure this will not be your last time winning this award!

Now, on to the week in stupidity!

TNA: Before I discuss Impact, let’s start with some wrestling news. Just two weeks removed from Kurt Angle’s arrest, the one-and-only Daniels got caught driving while impaired. According to reports, Daniels registered a 0.14 on a Breathalyzer while in North Carolina on Friday.

Hasn’t TNA gotten enough bad press in the last few weeks? Their road agents need to really hammer in that the boys need to be on their best behavior for the next few months. The last thing they need is more of this kind of press.

Impact was, again, quite good. If you didn’t catch my Impact review from late last week, you’ll see that I enjoyed the hell out of the in-ring product in almost all cases. Hamada’s debut was excellent and the six man main event worked well. There were, however, two moments that demand my attention.

In retrospect, I understand why Rhino destroyed Jesse Neal the way he did. If Rhino’s going to face Bobby Lashley, he needs to be built up. Having him destroy Neal and then lose via DQ isn’t the way to do it. Rhino looks like he has problems controlling himself against jobbers; he doesn’t look like someone who’s going to seriously challenge Bobbo.

The real crap of this week’s Impact was the segment with Foley, Abyss, ODB, and Cody Deaner. Abyss’s role wasn’t that bad, plus he got some groceries out of it. This ODB/Deaner stuff HAS to stop, though. It just has to. Deaner referencing The Hangover and then making a Chuck Norris reference to justify his getting the Knockouts Title caused my already precariously low IQ to drop significantly. The fact that the belt is being held up and that TNA might actually consider making a man the champion of the Knockouts Division makes me think that they want to kill it while they’re trying to build it up with their Tag Titles. It reminds me of when WCW instituted the Cruiserweight Tag Titles because they had killed the real Cruiserweight Title dead.

WWE: Again, let’s split it by show.

Superstars: Superstars bounced back in a big way this week, but this “Ask the Divas” garbage needs to never happen again. I do not need to hear Alicia Fox’s big hint about when a girl is into me, nor do I care what Mickie James thinks on the subject. Moving on!

Smackdown: No Kane-Khali? NO COMPLAINTS. Smackdown was excellent this week.

Raw: Too bad the same can’t be said for Raw. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I was actually entertained by Raw this week (an odd break from the norm) and I loved the Dusty/DX comedy stuff (especially with a reference to the Shockmaster!), but there was still a whole lot of stupidity.

I don’t know what happened to Gail Kim. When she was on TNA she was one of the premier women’s wrestlers in the world. Now? She’s seriously delving into Rhaka Khan territory after Monday’s six diva battle royal and the disaster a few weeks back with Mickie James. Is her gimmick that she’s forgotten how to wrestle and needs to be re-taught? Honestly, I can get down with that, but I need to know. I’m sure the segments of her learning how to wrestle again would be a hell of a lot funnier than the next segment I simply must talk about.

I know I mentioned it last week, but I’m sick of Hornswoggle/Chavo. It now feels like these matches have been going on for an eternity. We get it. Chavo keeps getting outsmarted and nobody backstage likes him. I’m sure next week when Hornswoggle bests Chavo at Plinko, only Michael Cole will be laughing, and that’s only because Vince will be screaming “LAUGH DAMMIT” into the headset. Everyone else will just be sitting, waiting for these painful segments to end.

ECW: When it was announced on Raw that Taker-Michaels from Mania XXV would be shown on ECW, besides immediately thinking ‘RATINGS GRAB,’ I had to think that WWE’s opinion of the Extreme Brand was even lower than assumed.

WWE: “We’re gonna use a portion of your show to rebroadcast a match from WrestleMania. You know, that show where your title wasn’t defended!”

ECW: “We’ve sort of got a lot going on right now. We’re building a Christian-Regal feud and we need time to develop it. Plus we need to get Regal’s stable over.”

WWE: “Regal has a stable?”

ECW: “Yeah, with Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov.”

WWE: “…Those guys are still employed?”

ECW: “Didn’t you watch our match at SummerSlam?”

WWE: “To be honest, we took a bathroom break.”

ECW: “Right. So anyway, we’re also trying to build up Sheamus.”

WWE: “Who the Hell is Sheamus?”

ECW: “The Irish guy.”

WWE: “Finlay?”

ECW: “No. The young Irish guy.”

WWE: “Hornswoggle?”

ECW: “No. He’s not young, he’s a dwarf. The tall, young Irish guy.”

WWE: “Are you sure this guy’s under contract?”

ECW: “Trust us. We’re developing him.”

WWE: “Sure you are. And if he does get built up like you’re saying, we’ll just take him off your hands!”

ECW: “Isn’t this why our ratings are down? Our brand getting raided, leaving us with nothing and then forcing us to rebuild?”

WWE: “Yeah. Pretty much. But your fix of making people care about the guys you’ve got is gonna take too long, so forget what you’re doing; we’re gonna show clips of Taker-Michaels.”

ECW: “Clips?”

WWE: “Yeah! I mean, we’ve got to give you some time for your show, right? We’ll show five minutes of it set to music.”

ECW: “You think ratings will be spiked by advertising a five minute clip of Taker-Michaels?”

WWE: “Well, we’re gonna imply it’s the full match in advertising.”

ECW: “You really want to just piss off everyone who watches us so we can be cancelled. That’s got to be it.”

WWE: “Pretty much. Yeah.”

That conversation happened almost word for word. I’m sure of it.

Oh yeah; Tony Atlas needs to be punched in the voice box.

All of this brings us to The Stupidest Person of the Week. While Daniels nearly got it with his DWI, the simple fact of the matter is that this week’s SPOTW has to be, without question, Rey Mysterio!

Wellness violations are bad, but probably not worthy of being called “stupid” on the level of a DWI. But Rey’s is a special case. Let’s examine:

First, and this is probably the least important reason Rey deserves this week’s award, Rey is forced into dropping the Intercontinental Title much, much sooner than he wanted. For those that don’t know, (according to dirt sheets) he petitioned to keep the title, holding off on the Dolph Ziggler title win because he felt his previous reign was too short. Getting popped for Wellness now, in the middle of that reign he petitioned for, makes him look like an idiot.

Second, Mysterio should know better given the people he has surrounded himself with in the past. While steroids were probably not the primary factor in the death of Eddie Guerrero, they most certainly played a part. Likewise, given that Mysterio was a patient of Dr. Phil Astin (the guy who gave a whole lot of steroids to Chris Benoit), he should have considered himself lucky for not getting in huge trouble then and stayed away. I admit this isn’t as bad as when Harry Smith got busted for steroids even though they killed his father, but come on. The man should know better.

Third, the excuse he gave to Record, a Mexican newspaper, cemented his status as Stupid Wrestler of the Week. I know that when I’m on vacation and doing promotional tours that I’m just having too much fun to care about my pending suspension and can’t be bothered to show the prescription for the banned substances I’m taking. Apparently, I’m not alone. Seriously: Mysterio knows what’s on the list of banned substances for WWE. If he had a prescription like he claims (and believe me, I don’t buy that for one second), he probably should have provided it when he took the drug test, rather than try to blame the company for giving him a vacation right when they were about to suspend him. Give me a break.

Finally, the fact that his other reaction to getting caught involved throwing a hissy fit and nearly quitting (as was the word during Tuesday’s Smackdown taping) just puts the icing on the stupid cake.

With that, I bid you all a good week. Hopefully next week, my Stupid Person of the Week will win the award for something in kayfabe as opposed to a real life screw-up but knowing wrestling, I doubt it.

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