Pro Wrestling Ponderings

Welcome to The Young CHIKARMY Insider Chronicles! I wish I had some kind of witty inside reference to the show about the early years of Indiana Jones, but I didn’t watch it. It was before my time. Sean Patrick Flanery played the young Henry. He was in The Boondock Saints. There’s a sequel to that film coming out this month called The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day. Everybody’s back from the first film except for Willem Dafoe, who probably laughed until he passed out when they asked him to do it. Even David Della Rocco is back…somehow. While I can’t really recommend you see the first film or its sequel (they’re both ridiculously stupid, but pretty fun), I can definitely advocate Overnight, the documentary that followed Boondock Saints creator, writer, and director Troy Duffy as he slowly devolved from Hollywood golden boy to an egomaniacal jerk that alienated everyone around him. It’s fascinating, but it has nothing to do with Chikara.

This week’s issue takes one final look at the October shows, where only one match remains unannounced. Then, Eddie Kingston would like a word with us. It’s about Claudio Castagnoli…and it’s not very pleasant. Those two need to hug it out. Lastly, I’ve a got a new Horrible Gimmick~! for your viewing pleasure. So buckle up and get ready…’cause this column ain’t got airbags. Seriously, the column would NOT pass highway safety inspection. Read at your own risk.

At Hiding in Plain Sight, Chikara’s September show in New Hampshire, Sal Rinauro showed up alongside Bryan Danielson and Colt Cabana, most likely filming for their documentary Wrestling Road Diaries. He apparently went a little banana when he wasn’t instantly offered a contract with the company. He then grabbed a camera and demanded a bout against Mike Quackenbush. Not just any match, either; a match for Quack’s NWA World Jr. Title! Well Leonard F. Chikarason was apparently impressed with Sal’s moxie, so the match is on! Last time these two faced each other, Quackenbush survived Sal’s devastating springboard corkscrew enzuigiri and tapped Rinauro out using a modified Boston Crab. Rinauro will have to take control early, otherwise his Chikara debut will be one to forget.

Opponents in the Cibernetico match, Matt and Nick Jackson will team up the night before in a match that will see The Young Bucks challenge three other teams in a Four-Corners Elimination Tag Match. The team with the most to gain here is The Osirian Portal, who lost the tag belts at Hiding in Plain Sight. They have been put in a great position here, along with their tag the next night against The Roughnecks, to get their belts back. If they were to somehow run the table, getting all three falls, and if The Roughnecks beat the Colony for the belts, The Portal might have to cash in their points and demand a title shot! Icarus & Chuck Taylor are also coming off of a loss at Hiding in Plain Sight, so a win here will put them back on track to total tag team domination. With Icarus & Akuma already in line for a shot and Akuma & Taylor sitting comfortably at two points, F.I.S.T. could be looking to mount something crazy against the tag champs. The wildcard in all of this would be the new team of Dasher Hatfield and Sugar Dunkerton. This one should be as unpredictable as it is explosive!

As you can see, there have been several line-up changes on both sides of this year’s Cibernetico match. The drama behind it adds another personal element to the match. See, Fire Ant was given the option of moving his team around, shifting his batting order. He declined, so Soldier Ant made several adjustments, most notably pitting top pick Mike Quackenbush against team captain Fire Ant and putting Hallowicked as the next-in-line against Jigsaw. Then, Fire Ant changed his mind, requesting to shift his batting order. Soldier Ant agreed to let it go, but it was a bush-league move by Fire Ant to make that play. Still, it worked out for him, and he got his way. The most significant change Fire Ant made was placing Player Dos a step behind Player Uno, keeping them staggered in the batting order.

It’ll be put up or shut up time for Sal Rinauro at Cibernetico Increible. Already with a title match the night before against Quackenbush, Sal will then have to contend with Claudio Castagnoli the next. Some might argue that Sal has bitten off more than he can chew, but I doubt Sal would be one of those people. He’s his biggest fan and someone who truly believes his own hype, but if he doesn’t find a way to steer clear of Claudio’s nasty strikes, he might get a Giant Swing right out of the building.

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I promised it to you last week, and I delivered: a fresh baked edition of Horrible Gimmicks Run Amok~! This is an idea I had while watching another wrestler work in his gimmick. I am probably the biggest Kenichiro Arai mark on this planet. He works mainly in Dragon Gate, had has the gimmick of an old, tired, drunk who never feels like wrestling. He always cheats, will occasionally fall asleep during matches, and is just a gigantic evildoer most of the time. I was watching a match he had with Anthony W. Mori, and I had a thought: “Wouldn’t this be funny if he was dressed like a clown?” And that was the launching pad for Zobo, the Happiest Clown. To get an idea of how Zobbo handles his business, you can watch the match that helped me conceive him RIGHT HERE! Just picture Araken (the guy in the jumpsuit) as a sad clown.

Lawrence “Larry” Wendell was born in Chicago, Illinois. His father was a third generation butcher, so when he was growing up, that is what Larry was expected to become. His family labeled him “Happy Larry” became there seemingly was not a thing on Earth that could break his spirit. Even on the day his first pet died (a gerbil named Toothy), Larry simply declared, “Yay! We can get a new gerbil!” He went on to attend high school in the same spirits, but by that time, he had fallen in love with making other people smile just as much as he did. It was at the end of his junior year that he created Zobo, a character that was created initially just for entertaining residents at orphanages and retirement homes. He married his high school sweetheart directly after graduating and began his life as a butcher in the family business.

Larry continued to entertain people, and on one fateful day at a nursing home on the north side, he discovered pro wrestling on TV. He loved the action and the sportsmanship, but he loved the drama as well, finding it to be a much better platform for his pursuit. He wanted to please a larger audience, and wrestling was the ticket. After months of saving and deliberation, Larry started training to become a pro wrestler. He was a natural, and within a year, he was already getting bookings local, awaiting the call to get into the big leagues. His energy and enthusiasm were so infectious that he caught fire with fans from the get-go. After only two years on the Chicago circuit, Larry got the call: he would be on national television every week in a worldwide federation, entertaining fans all over the country. He quit his job as a butcher and became a wrestler full-time. It was the last time in his life that Larry would catch an honest break.

Upon arriving in the big leagues, Larry noticed how difficult it was to circumvent the politics of the business. When he finally got his chance to shine, audiences latched on. It amazed even Larry how quickly fans everywhere picked up on his liveliness. He felt like the luckiest guy in the world. Then, for reasons that were never explained to Larry, his house exploded. It just…it just exploded. Every possession he had was destroyed in the fire. He and his wife stayed in an apartment, where Larry tripped over a loose tile and injured his knee. Two weeks later, after a whirlwind rise to fame, Larry was fired. Apparently, another wrestler with backstage pull got Larry axed to make room for his buddy to start a clown character named Doink. Everybody hated it and still hates it. It was and is really stupid.

After years of failed attempts to make a child with his wife, Larry (now a hardware salesman since his father’s butcher business went under) got tested, which revealed that Larry was unable to bear one. Larry’s wife left him shortly after. After a spat with his family that involved Larry’s impotency, he found himself alone and resorting to alcohol to relieve stress. Five years passed without incident before Larry’s liquor abuse blended into his work, where he berated a customer for being, “really short and dumb-looking.” The ten year old girl’s parents filed a lawsuit. Larry was out of a job.

Unemployed, depressed and alone, Larry got a call at three in the afternoon from an old friend about a wrestling reunion show at a rodeo. Larry suited up right away, make-up, red nose and all, and went to the show, where he wrestled a really big guy who worked stiff. That’s all Larry could remember. He woke up in a hospital bed a day later. Apparently, Larry imagined the phone call, went down to the local rodeo, and fought a bull in front of a couple thousand people. He became a YouTube sensation, and suddenly there was interest in Larry again on the wrestling independent scene again, which had grown by leaps and bounds since his days. Larry, it seemed, was back.

Sober and excited, Zobo, The Happiest Clown, made his redebut in New York as a part of a legends wrestling show. Larry came out to a thunderous clamor, and as he made his way down the ramp, he tripped and fell flat on his face. He hadn’t worn his big shoes in years, so it was somewhat understandable. However, when Larry looked up, he saw kids pointing, laughing, and shouting terrible, unrepeatable things at him. Larry continued to play to the crowd happily, but his join soon died. No one clapped. No one cheered. No one cared. They just insulted him right to his face. The fans, it seemed, had become cynical and self-important. They didn’t care about him anymore. That’s when Larry decided to return the favor.

He wrestled at half-speed that night, drawing amazing heat from the crowd. He didn’t care anymore. Larry got paid that night, and the promoter told him there was more work in the future if he could get fans riled up like that. Larry wanted to wrestle under his own name, but the promoter said that he would only hire him if he was in the make-up. So that’s Larry’s curse; the only way he can get back at the world is to anger them in the ring, where he is forced to wear a persona that doesn’t apply to him anymore. Larry turned back to booze, even carrying a flask to the ring with him. He joined Chikara soon at the behest of fans that wanted to genuinely cheer him on. Larry didn’t believe them, thinking it was just some sort of game to further humiliate him. Larry would swig from his “water” bottle (Chikara officials didn’t want him drinking from a flask) and continue on his mission: make everyone as mad and bitter as he is. There’s no happy ending here; just an ending.

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実際に重要なニュース!

- Chikara will return to Easton and Philadelphia in November with Throwing Life’s Instructions Away on Saturday, November 21st and the Season 8 Finale show Three-Fisted Tales on Sunday, November 22nd. These shows will be discussed here at-length in the coming weeks!

- Next week, I’ll have results from the two October shows, some November show updates, and some Classic Chikara! I’ll be at the Florida/Arkansas football game in Gainesville, so I’ll be back the next day. You can expect the column to be up Sunday night. See ya then!

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